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Where My Country Gone?/Script

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Leopold "Butters" Stotch
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Craig Tucker
  • Token Black
  • Mr. Garrison
  • PC Principal
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Mr. Adler
  • Mr. Stkrdknmibalz
  • Randy Marsh
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Ned Gerblansky
  • President Barack Obama
  • Garrison Supporters
  • Canadians
  • Charlotte, her dad Thomas and her mom
  • The Canadian President, Johnson, and another aide
  • Anchor Tom
  • Field Reporter Dan
  • Caitlyn Jenner
  • Female politician
  • Male politician
  • Guard
  • Man

Script

[End of Where My Country Gone?.]
[The White House, day. President Obama delivers a speech in the East Room to the press]
President Obama: Now, last week we were all reminded that intolerance still exists in our country. It took a very special young student to light up social media, and we've invited him to the White House today to show our appreciation. Because never have there been more tolerant, more moving words than Kyle Broflovski's speech about his hero Caitlyn Jenner. [applause. Kyle is shown with his eyes half-closed - an indication that he doesn't want to be there.] Come on up here, Kyle.
[Crunchy's Micro Brew, during the speech. Mr. Garrison is seated with Mr. Adler and Jimbo at a table looking at a TV monitor above the bar.]
Mr. Garrison: You see?? There! This is why it's happening! Everyone's preachin' openness and acceptance, and so now millions of goddamned immigrants are comin' over the border and nobody seems to care!
Mr. Adler: Well what are you gonna do? In today's world it's like you can't even say anything negative about illegal immigrants.
Randy: [Approaching and gesturing like a siren] Weoo weoo weoo weoo weoo! Did somebody over here say "illegal immigrants"? Because the correct term is "undocumented immigrants," alright bro? [leaves]
Mr. Garrison: [hushed] It's like nobody cares! And they just keep comin'. Crossin' the border with their dirty families, playin' their stupid music! [looks to his left] I mean, look at 'em! I'll bet not ONE of them is here legally! [a group of Canadians is playing pool.]
Canadian 1: Alright guy!
Canadian 2: Hey buddih!
Canadian 3: Hey buddih!
Canadian 4: [the shooter] Hey, what's going on fwiend!
Canadian 5: [Wearing a Canada sweater] Hey, buddih! Another Moosehead, eh?
Mr. Garrison: We should have put up a goddamned wall. [Jimbo and Richard now look at the Canadians as well]
President Obama: But wait, there's still more, [the three man now look at the TV] because this country was built on dreamers, and Kyle, we want to make your dreams come true. And so here is your hero, Caitlyn Jenner. [applause as Caitlyn joins Barack and Kyle at the podium. Kyle is taken aback]
Caitlyn Jenner: [with a lisp] I just wanna say thank you Kyle for your beautiful words of support.
President Obama: Now Kyle, we've got another little surprise for you. We told you we were flying you back home, but the truth is, you're getting a ride back all the way with your hero! How do you like that?! [Ooohs and applause follow.]
[Caitlyn Jenner's car, outside, moments later. She's ready to take Kyle home, while Kyle looks bewildered.]
Caitlyn Jenner: Buckle up, buckaroo! [Revs up and speeds away. Almost immediately an elderly person crosses her path and she runs her over, thoroughly killing her under her wheels. The press applauds.]
[South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Garrison enters his classroom along with his students.]
Mr. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. As you've probably noticed, our government has decided to let anyone who wants to, cross the border and screw up our country! [before him is a crowded room, with more desks and lots of new Canadian students.] I know you're all as pissed off as I am, so why don't we begin today's lesson on why the once-great empire of Rome, fell to shit! Huh?! Who can tell my why Rome fell to shit?! [all the Canadian kids raise their hands] No, somebody who matters! [the Canadian students begin to clamor. Garrison puts his left hand over his nose and closes his eyes] Alright, fine, in the orange shirt.
Canadian Kid 1: [orange shirt] The Roman Empire, buddy, was facing ehh several issues, guy, as they reached the new millennium, friend, and rather-
Mr. Garrison: [irritated] Oh, speak in English! You see, [turns around and begins writing on the board] what happened is that these immigrants called Goths [writes the word and circles and underlines it] were welcomed into Roman territories [writes the word Roman on the board] because some people felt bad for them. [another Canadian boy checks his watch and hops off his seat, opens a small case and pulls out a trumpet] And then the Goths suddenly decided they were being oppressed, you see, and so then- [the boy begins to play a familiar tune, and Mr. Garrison turns around] What the hell are you doing?! [the other Canadian kids get out of their seats and whip out their trumpets to play the song]
Canadian Kid 2: [in a suit] It's 8am, guy.
Mr. Garrison: [loses his temper,throws his notes and chalk] Well that's it! Why don't you Canucks go back where you came from?! [they stop and look aghast at him]
[The Principal's office, moments later. PC Principal is behind his desk with Mr. Mackey at his right side. PC Principal is barely containing his temper. Mr. Garrison is looking at him defiantly with arms crossed]
PC Principal: You really think you can refer to an undocumented immigrant as a "Canuck"?!
Mr. Garrsion: PC Principal, they got up in the middle of my lecture and started playing music!
PC Principal: So did you forget that at eight and eleven all Canadians face east and play Chuck Mangione? [stands up and puts his hands on the desk] Or did you not care to find out about their religious customs?
Mr. Garrsion: Thuh, they don't even speak English!
PC Principal: Then you need to be teaching in both languages from now on! Mackey, sign the faculty up for Canadian-language night classes!
Mr. Garrsion: What?!
Mr. Mackey: [bowing profusely] Yes, PC Principal! R-right away! M'kay?
PC Principal: You're on thin ice, Garrison! Get in line or you'll be out of a job, bro!
[South Park Elementary cafeteria, lunchtime. Cartman, Kenny, Butters, and Token bring lunches from home while Stan, Kyle, Clyde and Craig get school lunches]
Stan: What are they doing now? [several tables have Canadian kids seated and eating. Butters stands up for a better look]
Butters: Well they're all eatin' together and praying. A-and they're puttin' syrup on their Mac & Cheese! [sits back down]
Clyde: Ugh, so weird!
Token: There's just so many of them.
Cartman: You guys, I think this whole thing is a conspiracy.
Token: Whattaya mean?
Cartman: Think about what happened: American has pretty secure border for years. Kyle gives a big speech about tolerance and acceptance that goes viral. A bunch of Canadians cross the border illegally. Kyle's brother is Canadian. What if Kyle knowingly gave that speech to get all the illegals in?
Kyle: [annoyed] I'm sitting right here.
Cartman: And he's sitting right here.
Kyle: You really think just my speech brought on a wave of illegal immigration?!
Stan: You did kind of go overboard, dude.
Kyle: [looks at Stan, betrayed] What?!
Stan: It's just... I know you like giving speeches and stuff, but not everything is black and white.
Clyde: Yeah, I mean, it's fine you wanna go preach about Caitlyn Jenner, but you can't just make blanket statements about letting anyone do whatever they want.
Kyle: I didn't even want to give that speech!
Cartman: [interrupting] Yeah, yeah, this is interesting. Have you guys read Genesis Thirty-four?
Butters: Uhn-un.
Cartman: Well, it's intriguing, because in Genesis Thirty-four, the Jews actually did something similar to what Kyle is doing now.
Kyle: Uh I'm not responsible for this! Illegal immigration has been happening forever.
Cartman: But it's happening a lot more now. After you decide to give a big speech about Caitlyn Jenner. Because you want to bring down the cultural fabric of America. 'Cause you're a Jew.
Kyle: You guys, immigrants, either legal or illegal, are always gonna find ways to cross into richer countries if they're not living-
Stan: [briefly puts his left hand over his nose] Oh boy, here we go again. [the other boys leave as well]
Cartman: Yeah, I'm out.
Butters: Yeah, sorry. I can't listen to another one either. [Kyle is left alone, bewildered]
[South Park Elementary, a different classroom, evening. There are watermarks everywhere, so this room hasn't been used for a while]
Mr. Stkrdknmibalz: Happy evening, friends. My name is Mr. Stkrdknmibalz ,(stick-yer-dick-in-my-balls) and we are going to learn Canadian. [Garrison shifts in his seat] With a lot of practice, you're going to find that speaking Canadian isn't so difficult. And in fact, our alphabet and yours are fairly similar. So why don't we begin singing it together? [Clears his throat]

A B C D E F Guy H I J K L M N O Buddih Q R S T U Fwiend W X Eh! And [farts] These are Canadian ABCs Susie likes hairy balls. Whattaya think of these? Alright, now everyone!

Class: [begins singing]

A B C D E F Guy H I J K L M N O Buddih Q R S T U Fwiend W X Eh And [Mr. Garrison begins to daydream]

[Montage: Mr. Garrison on a bridge overlooking a river. he sees several Canadians enjoying themselves in inner tubes in the river. He sighs and walks away. Next, he's in line to get into the DMV during the day, but the line is full of Canadians. Next, new STOP signs go up that now have BUDDY under the STOP. Mr. Garrison is at the intersection waiting for the green light. A truck pulls up with a bunch of kids in the truck bed, no seat belts. Next, he's at the old town bar singing on a corner stage and playing a guitar. The regulars hold up their fists in solidarity. Next, he passes by a food cart. The cook there is selling beaver tails for five dollars. Then he passes by a newly-sold house with a Canadian couple cheering their purchase. Then he's back at the bar, with more listeners holding up lighters in solidarity. Next, he looks out his window and finds a bunch of supporters on his lawn pleading for him to lead them. Next, he walks by some Canadian kids playing street hockey, then he passes by the school]
Mr. Garrison:

Where has my country gone?
Where has my country gone?
It was a land of opportunity that we held dear
But now all these other assholes are comin' here.
And where's my country gone?
It was just here like, two seconds ago.
'Cause when they said that this was the land of the free
I'm pretty sure that they were referring to me
And my country's gone!
It got upset and now it's wandered away
It took 43 Presidents to make us stand tall
And just one black guy to unravel it all
Country gone!
Please tell it that we need her back home.
There's a great big hole in the liberty bucket
'Cause someone forgot to tell the foreigners to suck it!
And now they're all hanging out on my lawn... [trumpets come up and play "Feels So Good"]
And now they're ruining my song
Makin' it sound like Chuck Mangione [trumpets fade out]
Where has my country gone?

[Montage ends, and the camera settles on Mr. Garrison leading a rally at the town square, with his supporters around him.]
Mr. Garrison: Seems like everyone's afraid to speak the truth around here! Well I'm throwin' my hat in and sayin' I'll figure this thing out! Now I might not understand politics, or immigration policies, or... the law. Or basic... ideological... concepts. But dammit I understand there there's a bunch of Canadians here and I'm gonna do somethin' about it! [applause and cheers]
[South Park Elementary gymnasium. PC Principal has called the student body in and put the Canadians on the basketball court and the Americans on the bleachers. The Canadian kids are standing in two lines. The front line wear different costumes that represent different time periods and icons in Canadian history, including the First Settlers of Canada, foreign explorers, a Mountie and a Canadian soldier. The second line consists of a band and choir.]
PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. In order for better understanding we've asked students of Canadian origin to introduce you to their culture and [spots a disturbance in the stands] HEY LESLIE! SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! [Leslie stops whispering into her friend's ear and looks at PC Principal] - to introduce you to their culture and customs. So let's give them our undivided attention as they take us on a whirlwind journey through their diverse history.
Three students dressed in Native American garb: We are the Hopewell and Abenaki, first settlers of Canadian soil--
Kindergartner: Guy.
Five students dressed in European clothing: We are French and British explorers, seeking furs and goods. [Mr. Garrison walks up and takes the mic]
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, and I'm Dan Rather, and I got news for you! Nobody wants you here! [the gym is silent] Sorry not sorry! It's time for someone to say it like it is, and make our country great again!
PC Principal: Garrison, what do you think you're-?
Mr. Garrison: And I'm also not afraid to stand up to PC Principal! You, sir, have a pizza face and you suck your mom's dick!
PC Principal: That's it Garrison! You are fired from South Park Elementary!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, see? And now I'm fired! That's the cold, hard truth of immigration! Well there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's fuck 'em all to death! [the students gasp] I'm just sayin' what everyone's thinkin' here kids!, Sorry not sorry!

[The school hallway, moments later. The Canadian kids walk out of school in anger]

Stan: Dude, the Canadians are pissed off.
Token: Can you really blame them?
Butters: What made Mr. Garrison do that?
Cartman: Guys, what if this was all exactly what Kyle planned? Get the Canadians here, make them feel persecuted, and then what? Uprisings? Rebellion? Next thing you know, they're sending us to camps and using us as livestock!
Butters: You really think Kyle would do that?
Stan: That doesn't matter. We have to think of a way to smooth this over, fast.
Cartman: Yeah, we're gonna need a symbolic union.
Token: A what?
Cartman: You know, what's that story about the two sides that were fighting and, then a guy from one side got with a girl from the other side and their love sort of brought the groups together?
Butters: Lion King II?
Cartman: [snaps his fingers and points to Butters] Yes, Lion King II. I mean, if we can get one of us to go out with one of them - probably, have sex - then it could be a symbol of us all getting along.
Craig: Yeah, it's kind of like when the princess of one country marries the prince of another.
Kyle: Oh, come on, this is stupid. You guys, when two groups of people don't understand each other you can't just try and diffuse the tension with a little-
Cartman: Is he seriously? Is he seriously giving a speech right now? [all quiet] Is he SERIOUSLY giving a speech right now?! [the other boys look back at Kyle angrily, and Kyle is left speechless] This is gonna have to happen pretty fast, so whoever's gonna do it needs to ask a Canadian girl out soon. 1 2 3 Not it.
Stan, Craig, Kenny, Clyde, Token: [one after the other] Not it!
Butters: No, no. Not it! Oh. OH SHIT!
[CNN report.]
Anchor Tom: Support is growing for a Colorado man who claims the way to deal with illegal immigrants is to fuck them all to death. We go live to Minnesota.
[Niagara Falls, Minnesota, day. Mr. Garrison goes around greeting supporters and waving to them or the camera]
Field Reporter: Tom, the political activist is going around the country to get support for his agenda, and- Uh Mr. Garrison, you believe the immigration problem is easy to solve?
Mr. Garrison: Yes. Fuck them all to death. Let'a make this country great again. [cheers swell from his supporters]
Field Reporter: And when you say "Fuck them all to death," what are you actually suggesting be done?
Mr. Garrison: I'm suggesting we round them all up, pull down their pants, and fuck them until their spirits leave their bodies!
Supporter 1: [wearing a Snap Right Tools cap] USA!
Mr. Garrison: And then, after we've fucked every last one of 'em to death, we build a big wall! And if anyone comes over the wall, we fuck them to death too! And then we fuck to death all the-
Tom: Uh Dan? Dan? We're getting word that a wall has already been built. [to the control booth] Is that right? Yes? Yeah- CNN is confirming that Canada has built a wall to keep us out.
Mr. Garrison: What do you mean they built a wall?! They can't build a fucking wall! Oh, fuck them to death!
[Moments later, Garrison and his supporters rush to the border in their cars, where they are met with a very tall wall. A lone guard sits atop the 40-foot wall, and the Americans get out of their cars]
Guard: Hey there! Beautiful day, isn't it?
Mr. Garrison: What the hell is this?!
Guard: Oh this? This is a wall. Sorry buddih, nobody allowed in.
Jimbo: Can they do that?
Mr. Garrison: Look, we came to speak with your government about that
Guard: Yeah, no, sorry! Everything past here is ours. You can't, you can't go past, past here.
Mr. Garrison: We're Americans! We don't even want to be over there! What do you think we're gonna do?
Guard: Well, you know, we just don't want you ... raping our women and stuff.
Supporter 2: That is ridiculous! [crosses his arms]
Mr. Garrison: All right, smartass! That's just about enough-
Guard: Look, there's just some really cool shit back here and we don't feel like sharing it.
Mr. Garrison: [suddenly curious] Cool shit like what?
Guard: Don't worry aboot it.
Mr. Garrison: No! What's back there? Let me see!
Jimbo: [pulling him back] It's all right, Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: No! Goddammit, let me see!
[South Park Elementary playground, day. The Americans and Canadians have separated into their own cliques. Cartman and Butters stand between the groups checking out the Canadian girls. Butters is still pissed that he lost]
Cartman: What about that one? In the glasses? She's kinda hot.
Butters: She's not hot! She looks like a messed-up cucumber with wieners on it!
Cartman: All right, how about the lanky one, there? Ooo, ooo, What about the one in the hat? She kind of looks like Alanis Morissette, huh?
Butters: Alanis Morissette is like 80 years old or something! [stomps his right foot down on the snow] Jeez!
Cartman: Okay, Bu-Butters, relax.
Butters: Well I don't want a Canadian girlfriend, Eric!
Cartman: Okay. Do you just want a race war?
Butters: No! The one in the white shoes isn't that ugly.
Cartman: Okay, go fuck the one in the white shoes.
Butters: Okay! [walks over to the bench with the girl in white shoes next to it] Hi, my name's Butters, what's yours.
Charlotte: I'm Charlotte. [her friends giggle]
Butters: Oh Charlotte, I've never done this before. You think Scar's up there? He wasn't my father, but he's still part of me. Oh no, Simba, we have barely begun. We'll run away together and ... and...?
Cartman: [satisfied with the way Butters interaction is playing out. To himself] And start a pride all of our own.
[CNN Report, at the Canadian border. Dan, the field reporter, is updating]
Dan: Tom, the scene at the Canadian border is electric as several political leaders try and strategize how to deal with being shut out of Canada. [in the background three podiums appear on the road right in front of the wall. Garrison and two other leaders step up to the mics.]
Male politician: If the Canadian government wants to put up a wall, they have every right.
Female politician: And yet, we must ask why they thought this to be necessary.
Mr. Garrison: No, fuck them and fuck you! [points at the female politician] I wanna see if they have really cool shit back there!
Female politician: What we need is a-
Mr. Garrison: No! [points at the female politician] You've got a gaping gash [points at the male politician] and you've got vinegary balls! The Canadians can't do this! Don't they realize that hundreds of thousands of their people are over here illegally?
Guard: Oh, you guys didn't put up a wall?
Mr. Garrison: And you keep your goddamned mouth shut, smart-ass! I'll deal with you! [cheers and applause from his supporters. He turns to face them.] I get things done, and I'm gettin' back there! [more cheers and applause]
[An outdoor mall in South Park. Butters returns with some ice cream for himself and Charlotte.]
Butters: Here you go.
Charlotte: Thanks, Butters. I'm sore-y I didn't know what ice cream was.
Butters: What's "sore-y"?
Charlotte: Well that's what Canadians say to express remorse.
Butters: Oh. Heh, he-hey, heh that's neato. [his cell phone rings] Oh. Eh, hang on Charlotte, one sec. [walks off a bit and picks up] What do you want?!
Cartman: Have you given her the old Hot Cosby yet?
Butters: No, we saw a movie and now we're goin' to the park.
Cartman: Butters, we don't have time for that! I told you you have to cut to the chase with a Hot Cosby!
Butters: If I'm gonna be with this girl, I don't want her someday thinking it was all super-rushed!
Cartman: Nobody cares about forty years from now when she suddenly changes her mind, Butters! Time is of the essence! We're all gonna die! [hangs up. Butters returns to Charlotte]
Charlotte: Everything all right?
Butters: Yeah, just some work-related stuff.
Charlotte: So hey, I wanted to see if you wanted to come over to my house for dinner tomorrow.
Butters: [getting nervous] Oh boy, yes I'd love to, here we go, oh God.
[Niagara Falls National Park. The camera looks at the falls and then pans to the left to show Mr. Garrison being lowered into a barrel by Jimbo and Ned.]
Mr. Garrison: Okay that's, that's good. Watch the balls. Okay, all right, give me the helmet. [Jimbo reaches down and hands the helmet to Mr. Garrison] We'll see what they've got behind that goddamned wall! [turns around to face his supporters] You know what I am, friends? I'm a doer.
Supporters: Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
Mr. Garrison: Canada says we can't go into their country, I'm going into their country! And when I do, I am fucking every last Canadian... so hard! [cheers and applause] All right, let's do this! [drops down into the barrel. Jimbo and Ned seal it up. Several supporters lift the barrel up over their shoulders and carry it to the railing]
Supporters: USA USA USA USA USA! [they throw it into the river and watch it approach the falls] USA USA USA! [the barrel goes over the falls and breaks up a few seconds later. Jimbo screams] USA US-!
Jimbo: Aww, he's dead.
[Charlotte's house, evening. Butters is her guest for dinner. She has a grandmother living with her, as well as a brother and sister]
Dad: So young man, I understand that you and my daughter have started a romance.
Butters: Well uh, well yes, sir.
Dad: And I suppose you have a thing for Canadian girls, huh? Is that it? You've got maple fever?
Charlotte: Ey, daddy!
Dad: I'm sore-y, Charlotte, but I get suspicious. It's bad enough we have to live in America, now all the boys with maple fever are gonna wanna have at our daughter.
Mom: That's enough, Thomas!
Butters: W-wait, you don't wanna be here?
Charlotte: Why would we want to be here?
Butters: Wuh well, you know, 'cause everything is great here, and we have cool stuff.
Thomas: Canada has everything. It's the greatest country on Earth.
Butters: But- so- then, why did you leave?
Thomas: [sighs and gets up from the his chair, and walks over to a window] There were several candidates during the Canadian elections. One of them was this brash asshole who just spoke his mind. He didn't really offer any solutions, he just said outrageous things. we... thought it was funny. [the mom begins to cry quietly, and her son comforts her] Nobody really thought he'd ever be President. It was a joke! But we just let the joke go on for too long. He kept gaining momentum, and by the time we were all ready to say "Okay, let's get serious now. Who should really be President?" he was already being sworn into office. [turns around] We weren't paying attention. [collapses and begins to cry, bumping into the table against the window] We weren't paying attention! [lets out all his tears and the family gathers around him to comfort him.]
Butters: Jeez, how bad can a president be?
[Back in Canada, the new President, a middle-age man resembling a likeness to Donald Trump, sits at his desk.]
Mr. President: If certain people want to leave this country, then let them! You tell those pussy homos they can suck my balls!
Johnson: But Mr. President-
Mr. President: And tell the Prime Minister of China that HE can suck my balls! Oh, and Johnson?
Johnson: Mr. President?
Mr. President: Suck my balls.
[Charlotte's backyard, after dinner. The yard is more like a garden, with flowers everywhere, swaying gently in the breeze. She and Butters are on a bench swing holding hands]
Charlotte: I'm sore-y about my papa. He can be really emotional sometimes.
Butters: You don't got to be sore-y. It's me who should be sore-y. I think everyone has the wrong idea about your people, Charlotte.
Charlotte: It's okay. We just have to give them time.
Butters: I wasn't supposed to have time. I was supposed to give you a Hot Cosby, so our species could coexist. But now I realize you guys don't even wanna be here.
Charlotte: Oh.. so do you want to be here? Now?
Butters: There's really nowhere I'd rather be. [smiles] If it's okay with you, well I'd like to try a nice Slow Cosby instead.
Charlotte: In Canada, we call a Slow Cosby ... love. [kisses Butters on the cheek. Butters strokes it and smiles again] Oh look! [a meteorite zooms across the sky] A shooting star! In Canada, we say that's... good luck.
Butters: So do we.
[A concrete channel with a slow-moving river running through it on the Canadian side of the border. Mr. Garrison comes to, groans, and slowly gets up. He leaves the channel and finds himself looking at an abandoned Canadian city.]
Mr. Garrison: Hello? [his voice echoes through the canyon of high-rises in the city. He walks by an empty coffee shop with a loose door banging in the wind. He hears a man sobbing, but sees abandoned cars, paper strewn everywhere, trash... he finds the man sitting on the roof of a 13-story law office building]
Man: Oh God! Oh God!
Mr. Garrison: Hey! Where is everyone, guy? [the man sobs some more and then stands and jumps to his death.] Jeez.
[Montage. As "Safety Dance" plays, Mr. Garrison walks through an empty mall and notices an escher-esque assortment of escalators there. Mr. President is dancing away. Mr. Garrison sees the activity and walks over, not sure what to make of it all. Mr. President notices him and stops]
Mr. President: What?! Hey! How did a US citizen get past my wall?!
Mr. Garrison: I came here to find out where my country gone!
Mr. President: Where your country gone? Where my country gone?!
Mr. Garrison: No, where my country gone, bitch?!
Mr. President: Nobody talks to me like that, buddih! [goes around his desk]
Mr. Garrison: Nobody talks to me like that, fwiend! [they begin to fight on the carpet. Mr. Garrison takes the President down and wrestles with him until the President is face down] Eurgh! Yeah?
Mr. President: Stupid-! Unh!
Mr. Garrison: Little asshole!
Mr. President: This is why I built that wall!
Mr. Garrison: You think you can-? [grabs the back of the President's head and slams it down] Hey! Here you go! Here you go! [keeps beating the President down] Look, guy, I came here to do one thing! [takes off his own swim suit and begins raping the President]
Mr. President: Hey, what the-? Aah! Hey, that pokes, buddih! Aah!
Aide: Oh my God, guy.
Mr. President: Please! Please, I can't- Oh. NO! No please, NO! NO! [Garrison inhales some poppers, then resumes the raping with increased vigor] Ohhh! Ohhh! Nooo!
[Charlotte's house, the dining table. Butters and Charlotte share a tall milk shake. Thomas and his wife look on from the doorway, holding hands]
Mom: Oh look at them, Thomas. I think they really like each other.
Thomas: Yes, I have to admit. It seems they're falling in Slow Cosby. [someone knocks on the front door] I'll get it. [goes to the front door and opens it]
Canadian 6: Hey, did you hear the news, buddih? The Canadian Presidents been fucked to death!
Canadian 7: [across the street] Yes! Yes!
Thomas: What? Are you sure?
Mom: What is it, Thomas?
Thomas: The Canadian President got fucked to death, darling.
Mom: Oh my goodness! Should we go back to Canada then?
Thomas: Yes, I guess let's go back! [and so the Canadians start packing up and moving out. The Marshes stand outside their house looking at the exodus]
Canadians: See ya! Bye! It's been real, guy! See ya, guy! [once they're all gone, Butters appears on the road chasing after Charlotte]
Butters: Charlotte!
Charlotte: I'll Skype you when I'm home, my love! [soon she's too far away]
Butters: Ah, I should have done the Hot Cosby.
[South Park town square. Mr. Garrison is back on stage, his supporters cheering and applauding him again]
Supporter 3: [voice only] You did it, Garrison!
Supporter 4: [voice only] Thank you, Garrison!
Mr. Garrison: Friends. I think I've proven that my policies work to get things done. I know what my true calling is, and I'm gonna keep this goin' all the way to Washington.
Kyle: [gets up on stage to clear his name] Hold on, wait! It wasn't me! I wasn't the one who brought the Canadians here! It was something just like this. Don't you see? If there's anything we've learned, it's that we have to stop this kind of sensationalist politics before the same thing happens to us, because if we let this kind of... [stops himself] this... kind of... [the crowd looks at him, annoyed]
Cartman: Dude!
Stan: Unbelievable! [Kyle turns left and walks off stage]
Mr. Garrison: All right, my friends. I have to say goodbye now, because I'm off to Washington with my running mate! [the camera shows whom the running mate is as Garrison gets into the passenger seat]
Caitlyn Jenner: Buckle up, buckaroo! [Revs up and speeds away. Almost immediately a young woman crosses her path and she runs her over, thoroughly killing her under her wheels. The crowd cheers and applauds.]
  1902: "Where My Country Gone?" edit
Story Elements

Caitlyn Jenner • "Feels So Good" • Mr. Stkrdknmibalz • "Where Has My Country Gone?" • Canadian WallCharlotteBarack ObamaCanada • "The Safety Dance" • Canadian President • "Canadian Alphabet"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Video

Release

South Park: The Complete Nineteenth Season

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