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Weight Gain 4000/Script

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The official script for "Weight Gain 4000" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Weight Gain 4000
Mr. Garrison's classroom.
Kyle
Hey Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning?
Stan
Yeah, it was huge.
Cartman
Ugh, I hate those things.
Kyle
Nobody hates rainbows.
Stan
Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows?
Cartman
Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they'll come, marching in and crawl up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass, and you'll be all like: "EHY! GET OUT OF MY ASS YOU STUPID RAINBOWS!" [Silence.]
Stan
Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman
I'm talking about rainbows, I hate those friggin' things!
Kyle
Rainbows are those little arches of color that show up during a rainstorm.
Cartman
Ohh, rainbows. Oh yeah, I like those, those are cool.
Stan
What were you talking about?
Cartman
Huh? Oh, nothing, forget it.
Kyle
No, what marches in, crawls up your leg and bites the inside of your ass?
Cartman
Nothing..!
Mr. Garrison
Children, children. Remember the 'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay contest that you children worked so hard on last month? [Silence.] One of our very own South Park students has won the national prize.
Wendy
[Softly.] Wow, I knew I would win.
Mr. Hat
Gosh Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting.
Mr. Garrison
That's right Mr. Hat, the winner of the national 'Save Our Fragile Planet' contest is... Eric Cartman.
Wendy
What?
Cartman
What?
Mr. Garrison
Congratulations Eric, on writing the award winning paper.
Cartman
Kick ass!
Stan
That's impossible, Cartman doesn't know a rain-forest from a Pop-Tart.
Cartman
Yeah I do, pop tarts are frosted.
Mr. Garrison
Out of over a million papers, Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner.
Kyle
Wow, what did you write about Cartman?
Cartman
Oh, you know, this and that.
Wendy
He doesn't even know what he wrote about!
Kyle
What was your paper about Wendy?
Wendy
My paper was on the suffering of bottle-nose dolphins.
Cartman
There you see, you shouldn't have written a paper about dolphins. Dolphins are stupid.
Stan
Dude, dolphins are like the second smartest animal on the planet.
Cartman
Buh, hah, right, if they're so damn smart, how come they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?
Wendy
What?
Mr. Garrison
Wait, wait, there's more. It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by...Kathie Lee Gifford.
Kyle
Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?
Mr. Garrison
And the presentation will be on national television.
Stan, Kyle
Television!
Mr. Garrison
[Thinking to himself.] Kathie Lee Gifford. I don't believe it.
City Hall. Mayor's Office.
Mayor McDaniels
Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park! Oh my God! This is our chance to make a name for ourselves; to show that we're not just some piss-ant white-bread mountain town.
Ted
Better yet, it's a chance for you to get some publicity.
Mayor McDaniels
Yes! If I can show just how much I turned South Park around, I could become a Senator.
Johnson
Maybe even a State Senator.
Ted
Mayor, we should decorate the town square.
Johnson
Then we should have the chef of the school cafeteria sing a song, and play up the ethnic diversity of our town.
Mayor McDaniels
That's right, he's a black guy isn't he?
Ted
Black as the night itself Mayor.
Mayor McDaniels
Yes! And we can even have the children of South Park put on a little play. Kathie Lee loves children.
Ted
If they're working in a sweat-shop that is.
Johnson
Ohhh.
Ted
Ouch. [Johnson Laughs.] Thank you.
South Park Elementary Cafeteria.
Cartman
You guys, guess what? After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous.
Wendy
[Passing by.] Hitler was famous too.
Chef
[Stopping by.] Hello there children.
Kyle, Stan
Hey, Chef.
Chef
How are my little crackers today?
Kyle, Stan
Good.
Chef
Did you all hear about the news? Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park.
Stan
Yeah, cause Cartman cheated and won the environmental essay contest.
Cartman
Hey!
Chef
Yeahyeh. Oh whatever. But the mayor just called and asked me to sing at the ceremony.
Kyle
Wow, are you gonna do it?
Chef
Of course! Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy. And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into a night of exotic delectation.
Stan
Yeah, that'd be cool.
Kenny
(How big's your penis, Chef?)
Chef
Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway.
He giggles, somewhat embarrassed.
Mr. Garrison's Classroom. Garrison is at his desk and Mr. Hat is across from him in a chair.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers with all this excitement.
Notices Mr. Hat.
Mr. Garrison
Why are you looking at me like that Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat
[Now on Mr. Garrison's hand.] Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering that Kathie Lee Gifford caused you?
Mr. Garrison
Mmm, mmm, Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago, and, and I was only a child.
Mr. Hat
We could have won that talent show, we could have been huge.
Flashback to the National Talents Show Finals.
Lil Mr. Garrison
Knock knock, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat
Who's there?
Lil Mr. Garrison
Orange.
Mr. Hat
Orange who?
Lil Mr. Garrison
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
One person claps.
Mr. Hat
Thank you.
Judges show scores of 8.9, 9, 7.8 and 9.2.
Lil Mr. Garrison
Wow Mr. Hat, looks like we might win.
Show Announcer
And now our last talent show finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.
Lil Kathie Lee

If they could see me now, that little gang of mine.
I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine.
I'd like those stumble bums to see for a fact
The kind of top-drawer first-rate chums I attract
[Mexican puppet] All I can say is, "Wow-wee, look-a where I am."
[Tourist puppet] Tonight I landed, Pow!, right in a pot of jam.
What a setup! Holy Cow!
They'd never believe it, if my friends could see me now!

Crowd goes wild. Judges show all 10's. Little Garrison is shocked.
In the present.
Mr. Garrison
It, it wasn't fair. She had choreography. How could we compete with that?
Mr. Hat
But now she's coming to South Park, and I know a way to make it all better.
Mr. Garrison
How?
Mr. Hat whispers to Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
No, Mr. Hat, I couldn't kill Kathie Lee Gifford!
Mr. Garrison's Classroom, later in the day. The Mayor is now there.
Mayor McDaniels
Children, as you all know, Miss Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present the award to some kid for an essay.
Cartman
That kid is me.
Mayor McDaniels
Whatever. Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters do a play about the history of South Park.
Mr. Garrison
That'll be wonderful, won't it Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat
[In a demonic voice.] Kill her.
Mr. Garrison
[Whispers.] Mr. Hat!
Mayor McDaniels
Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, that's perfect. You see Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her. We can just upstage her.
Wendy
Mrs. Mayor, you might want to review the essays. We think Cartman might have cheated.
Mayor McDaniels
Who cares? Now kids, what's say we give it our South Park best!
Silence.
Mayor McDaniels
And who's our little prize winner again?
Cartman
Me! Eric Cartman!
Mayor McDaniels
How about we get in shape, huh? We want to look our best for the TV cameras don't we?
Cartman
Yes ma'am. [Sings.]

I'm gonna be on television,
I'm gonna be on television.

Bus Stop The kids have gotten off the bus and are going home.
Cartman
[Still singing.]

...I'm gonna be on television,
I'm gonna be on television...

Stan
[Turning to face Cartman.] We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy.
Cartman
Egh, stop defending your little girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish.
Stan
Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
Cartman
Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.
Stan
Dolphins are way smarter than you!
Cartman
If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?
Stan
Dolphins don't live in igloos, that's Eskimos!
Cartman
Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares?! It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap!
Stan
Tell me what you wrote about!
Cartman
I can't. I have to go home and get in shape.
Stan
Yeah, right! You'll go and sit in front of the TV and eat Cheesy Poofs, ass-master!
Cartman
Screw you, hippie!
Cartman's House. Cartman is sitting on the couch in front of the TV eating Cheesy Poofs.
TV Announcer
We'll be right back to Jesus and Pals, after this.
Beefcake
Hey!! You need to get in shape fast?! Wanna look your best?! Tired the other guys getting all the chicks?! Are you tired of being a 90 pound weakling?!
Cartman
Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds.
Beefcake
Then bulk up quick, with Weight Gain 4000!!
Cartman
Yes!
Beefcake
With over 4,000 grams of saturated fat per serving, its patented formula is designed to enter the mouth, and go to directly to the stomach where it is distributed to the bloodstream. Now available in stores everywhere. Get some today, and say with me: 'Beefcake!'
Cartman
Beefcake!
Beefcake
Beefcake!
Cartman
Beefcake!
Beefcake
Beefcake!
Beefcake, Cartman
[In unison] BEEFCAKE!
TV Announcer
May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver...
Cartman
Mom, can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?
Liane
Okay Eric, I'll get you some at the store tomorrow.
Cartman
But mom, I need it for tomorrow.
Liane
But tomorrow is grocery day Eric.
Cartman
[Shrieking.] Mm-mo-om, Ah-ee née-eed suh-ome Weight Gain Four Thousaaand! I need iiit!
Liane
Okay, okay, then. I guess I'll be going to the store now then.
Cartman smiles broadly.
Mr. Garrison's Bed. He hears Kathie Lee singing in his head: "If they could see me now, that little crowd of mine, and eating fancy chow..." He wakes up startled.
Mr. Garrison
No, no!
Mr. Hat
[In a demonic voice.] Kill her.
Mr. Garrison
No, Mr. Hat, I won't do it.
Mr. Hat's head starts spinning slowly, demonically, his pupils glow red.
Mr. Hat
Kill!
Mr. Garrison
That does it, you're going in the dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat
She'll make a fool of you again.
Mr. Garrison
Well, you can just stay in that drawer Negative Nancy.
Bus Stop, next morning.
Cartman is a bit bigger and showing it off by wearing a Beefcake muscle shirt instead of layers of clothes.
Cartman
Hey dudes.
Kyle
What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman? Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow on the ground?
Cartman
Listen! I have a nice body and I want to show it off, you got that?
Stan
What? You've got to weight 90 pounds.
Cartman
I'm up to 94, thank you very much.
Kenny
(They're the biggest breasts that I've seen)
Kyle
Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's.
The others laugh.
Cartman
Laugh all you want, I'm the one who's gonna be on TV, looking all buff.
He chugs the can of Weight Gain.
Stan
What's that stuff?
Cartman
Weight Gain 4000, it's helping me bulk up.
Kyle
Bulk up to what, fat-ass?
Stan
Super fat-ass?
Cartman
Ey! I don't have to take that kind of crap from you scrawny weaklings!
The bus Arrives and the others go in ahead of him.
Cartman
Eh, eh. Sweet. Check me out, I'm such a beefcake I can't even get through the door. Eh.
Town Square. A flag goes up.
Mayor McDaniels
Come on people. We've got to turn this place around. Hang up the lights, string up the banners, castrate the cows!
Cows
[Out in a pasture.] Mooooo?
Outdoor stage. The class has moved there to practice a play.
Mayor McDaniels
Well Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going?
Mr. Garrison
Huh? Oh, fine. We were just about to run it from the top.
Mayor McDaniels
Oh, please do. I'm dying to see it.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage.
Stan, Kyle, and two others go.
Good. And all the little Indians go to the center of the stage.
Dialog
Pip, Kenny, Red and Token go.
Clyde Donovan
Am I an Indian, or a pioneer?
Mr. Garrison
Do you have a feather on your head?
Clyde
Yes.
Mr. Garrison
Then you're an Indian.
Clyde
Oh.
Mr. Garrison
Okay Bebe, this is your line.
Bebe Stevens
[Haltingly.] This is the story of South Park. It begins over a hundred years ago. When the noble and hardy Ute Indians lived on the land.
Mayor McDaniels
Oh, don't they look adorable?
Bebe
Then, from the east, came the great white pioneers.
Pioneers come on stage and start beating the Indians and tossing them about. Screams are everywhere, and a tee-pee falls in front of Kenny.
Mayor McDaniels
Oh my God!
Mr. Garrison
They did it a lot better this morning, they had more energy.
Bebe
The pioneers met with the Indians, and negotiated for their fertile lands.
Kevin the Indian lands by her, with blood oozing out of a gash on his head. She steps aside. Pioneer Butters punches Indian Pip repeatedly.
Mayor McDaniels
Mr. Garrison, we can not have our children beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford.
Mr. Garrison
Well, what do you want? This is how it happened in those days.
Stan
Take that you stupid Indian!
Stan beats Clyde the Indian with the butt of his gun.
Clyde
Dow!
Mayor McDaniels
Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate. Do you actually think Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?!?
Mr. Garrison
To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!
All stop and gasp.
Mr. Garrison
Oh my God, what have I said?
Townsman
He said, "To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!"
Boos all around.
Mayor McDaniels
Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play.
Garrison skulks away.
Mr. Garrison's House.
Mr. Hat
[In his deep voice.] It happened again didn't it? Now we do things my way.
Mr. Garrison
I can't kill her Mr. Hat...you're gonna have to do it.
Mr. Hat laughs.
Town Square Stage.
Kyle
Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load.
Cartman is much bigger now.
Cartman
Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.
Kyle
You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever!
Cartman
I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!
Kyle
Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street people go "God damn it, that's a big fat ass!"
Cartman
No they don't, you jealous weakling!
Townsman
God damn, that's a big fat ass!
Cartman
Hey!
Wendy
Hi guys.
Cartman
Oh look, another hippie.
Cartman gives her the peace sign.
Cartman
Peace, Wendy.
Stan
Shut up Cartman!
Cartman
Oooh,

Two little hippies sit'n' in a tree...

Wendy moves by Cartman and then whispers to Stan.
Wendy
I'm gonna find Cartman's paper and get to the bottom of this.
Cartman

...K I S S I N G. First comes the baby and...

Jimbo's Guns. There is a poster welcoming Kathie Lee on the left side of the store entrance.
Jimbo Kern
Can I help you?
Mr. Garrison
Yes... I need a gun.
Jimbo
Would this be for hunting, home protection, or other?
Mr. Garrison
Other.
Jimbo
Alrighty then! May I suggest a Stratford 12mm? Here, try it on!
Hands Mr. Garrison a gun.
Jimbo
That looks really nice on you. The lacquered black really matches your eyes.
Mr. Garrison
[To Mirror.] You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? [To Jimbo.] I don't know, it's a little small.
Jimbo
Okay, how about this?
Mr. Garrison
[To Mirror.] You talkin' to me? [To Jimbo.] Hmm, no, I don't like this one either.
Jimbo
Here's the same gun, with a wood finish.
Mr. Garrison
[To Mirror.] You talkin' to me? I don't see anybody else around here, so you must be talkin' to me. [To Jimbo.] I'll take it!
Mr. Garrison's Classroom, lights out. Wendy enters.
Wendy
Hello?
She sneaks over to file cabinet. Sees her paper first and is disgusted to find Cartman's question in writing: "If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?" Then she finds Cartman's paper.
Wendy
My essay by Eric Cartman: "When I wrote the following pages, or rather the bulk of them, I lived alone in the woods on the shore of..."
Mr. Garrison enters. Wendy hides.
Mr. Garrison
Well, Mr. Hat, I guess ol' Kathie Lee really will be surprised when she gets here tomorrow. She beat us in the talent show all those years ago. And I think we owe her for that. Babang!
Wendy
[Hushed.] Oh my God.
Town Square. Mr. Garrison walks down the street with his rifle as if it's normal.
Townsman
Howdy Mr. Garrison, nice gun.
Mr. Garrison
Thank you.
Townswoman
Nice gun Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
Thanks.
He approaches Officer Barbrady.
Mr. Garrison
Hello Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady
Nice Gun.
Mr. Garrison
Thanks. Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - er, view - of Kathie Lee.
Officer Barbrady
Hmmmm. You know, I think the book depository would be a good bet.
They look up at it. Two vultures fly around it.
Mr. Garrison
Yes, that might do quite nicely. Thank you Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady
No problem.
He turns to a fan walking by with a camera.
Hah! Caught you red handed. No Pictures of Kathie Lee.
Dialog
Mayor McDaniels
[On stage.] Where is she?
Cartman, off stage, looming over his friends now.
Cartman
This is sweet. Camera crews are setting up and I'm looking totally ripped. Beefcake. Beefcaaake!
Kyle
I don't think they're going to be able to get all of you in frame Cartman.
Wendy
[Rushing in.] You guys, we have to stop him!
Kyle
Stop who?
Wendy
Mr. Garrison. He's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
Cartman
Oh no you don't, you're not going to ruin my moment of fame.
Wendy
He's got a gun!
Cartman
You got to get over this whole jealousy thing. Eihh, seriously. Just face it, I wrote a better paper than you.
Wendy
It just so happens that I have your paper, and I know why you won! There's something more important right now. Let's go!
Stan
Wendy, you got to prioritize. What's more important? Being on TV or some stupid assassination?
Wendy
[Sweetly.] Stan, I can't do it alone. Please?
Stan falters and looks down, unable to resist her.
Kyle
Uh oh, we're losing him.
Cartman looks down at Stan.
Mayor McDaniels
Here she comes.
The band starts playing. Kathie Lee comes in riding in bullet proof 'bubble' on the back of a truck.
Mr. Garrison, looking on from the book depository window.
Mr. Garrison
Damn, I guess I'm not the only person in America who's thought of killing Kathie Lee Gifford.
Townswoman
We love you Kathie Lee, heh heh.
Kathie Lee Gifford
I love you, too.
Mr. Garrison
Come on you little bitch. [Takes aim.] You got to come out of your precious bubble sooner or later, missy.
Mayor McDaniels
[On stage.] It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.
Crowd cheers.
Mayor McDaniels
...And now, our very own South Park Elementary chef will sing a special song in honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford.
Chef
Thank you Mr. Mayor. You know Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman. I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way. Or, or special in an Extra Value Meal at Happy Burger way. Noo nononono. I mean special. Like the song of uh, the humming bird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and make sweet love to it all night long. Just two humming birds moaning and, and groaning and, and their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy.

Oh, Kathie Lee, how I'd love to lay you dowwwwn.
And lick every inch of your bodaay with my tongue.

Mayor McDaniels
What?
Chef

Kathie Lee, you're my sexual fantasy.

Mayor McDaniels
What? Oh God!
Chef

How 'bout you and meee-

Quickly taking the mic from him.
Mayor McDaniels
Uh, Thank you Chef, for that heartwarming song.
Chef

-get together and make... sweet...

love?
Mayor McDaniels
Thank you Chef!
She grabs the mike and drags him off.
Chef McDaniels
Oh, oh. God bless you Kathie Lee!
Wendy
[Wendy and Stan run up.] Officer Barbrady, Mr. Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee! We have to find him!
Officer Barbrady
What? You mean the teacher? Wait a minute. [Flashes back.]
Mr. Garrison
Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - er, view - of Kathie Lee.
Officer Barbrady
Hmm, you know, I think the book depository would be a good bet—I think the book depository would be a good bet—book depository—depository—depository—depository ...
His face gets bigger with every repetition. He snaps to.
Officer Barbrady
Damn, he could be anywhere! I'll send out an APB!
Stan
Wendy, look!
Points to book depository.
Back on stage.
Mayor McDaniels
And now, here to present the award for the environmental essay to our own, Eric Kauffman...
Cartman
Cartman, God damn it.
Mayor McDaniels
...is your favorite celebrity, and mine, [Crowd cheers.] Kathie Lee Gifford!
Kathie Lee is thrust up on stage in her bubble by her security force. Cartman's mom hugs her heart.
Kathie Lee
Thank you. I love you all.
Stan and Wendy reach the Book Depository.
Stan
Mr. Garrison, stop!
Mr. Garrison
Leave us. We must finish what we have begun.
Wendy
I know that she's hurt you. She's hurt a lot of people.
Mr. Garrison
You can't know.
Wendy
You should have won that talent show.
On the stage.
Kathie Lee
It is with great honor and pride that I present the winner his trophy. Eric, would you please come up here?
Cartman
Here it is, my big moment of fame.
Book Depository.
Mr. Garrison
...and then she finished it all by throwing her voice with two dummies at once.
Wendy
I know that Mr. Garrison, but this isn't the answer.
Mr. Garrison
It is... too late for me, young Wendy.
Cartman gets on stage, with help from Kyle and Kenny. Mr. Garrison takes aim.
Wendy
You see, I've learned something today, you can't win all the time, and if you don't win, you certainly can't hold it against the person who did, because that's the only way you ever really lose.
Lowering his weapon.
Mr. Garrison
You... you're right.
Wendy
Gooood.
Stan
Man, did she really throw her voice with two dummies at once?
Mr. Hat
[Snapping into position.] The bitch must die!
The stage. Cartman's weight breaks it.
Kathie Lee
Ooohhhh!
She flies through the air. Mr. Garrison fires at her, thinking she is still on stage. Kenny is hit.
Kenny
(Oh no!)
He flies through the air and is impaled through the head by a flag pole. He slides on down.
Kyle
Huh, Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastard!
Kathie Lee's bubble lands on the truck.
Agent 1
Gun!
Agent 2
Gun!
Kyle
Hey, come back! We didn't even get to do our play.
The entourage leaves and the crowd groans.
TV Crew Director
I guess that's it, guys. Wrap it up.
Cartman
Hey! Wait a minute! When do I get to be on television?
TV Crew Director
Forget it kid. No Kathie Lee, no public interest.
Cartman
[Whining.] But I won the environmental essay contest.
Wendy
You don't deserve to win Cartman. And you know it.
Into mic.
Wendy
I'm holding Cartman's award winning paper. It's actually nothing more than Walden, with Henry David Thoreau's name crossed out, and Cartman's name written in its place.
Townsman 1
Who cares?
Townsman 2
Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.
Stan
Wha, What about, not holding anything against the person who wins?
Wendy
Well, not if it's Cartman.
Into mic.
Wendy
Hey, where are you all going!
Aside.
Wendy
They don't even know what Walden is.
Into mic.
Wendy
I bet if Walden was a sitcom you'd all know what it was.
Stan
Come on Wendy, Kyle's mom will make us tuna fish sandwiches.
Wendy
Ah, what the hell.
Kids walk out.
Mayor McDaniels
Nohoho nooo. Now I'll be stuck in this Podunk town forever, with all these stupid hick, redneck, jobless, truck driving idiots!
Ted
Uh, Mayor, the mic is on.
In front of flag pole.
Officer Barbrady
[Arresting Mr. Hat.] Thought you could get away with it, eh Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat
Well, I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids.
Officer Barbrady
You're lucky that you missed Kathie Lee Gifford and that nobody got hurt.
Apparently, he didn't see Kenny get impaled. Kenny's corpse slides down to base of flag pole.
South Park Mental Home, Mr. Garrison's Hospital Room.
Stan
We hope you can come back to school real soon Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
Well children, I'd love to, but the doctors say that Mr. Hat needs more therapy.
Mr. Hat is in a straitjacket.
Mr. Hat
We can still get her! Let mmm--
Mr. Garrison
I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances for being on TV.
Kyle
Not Cartman, he gets to be on TV anyway.
Mr. Garrison
Really, on what?
Geraldo.
Geraldo Rivera
Obesity, adiposity, corpulence... Whatever word you use, it represents one thing: Being a big fat-ass. We have with us today, live via satellite, Eric Cartman from South Park, who is now so obese he can't even get out of his house.
Cartman
When is this going to be on the air?
Geraldo
Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there?
Cartman
Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals; I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcaaake!
Chef's Bedroom.
Chef
He needs to run his ass around the block a few times.
Kathie Lee
Hmmm, how about a little more of that good lovin' Chef?
Chef
Damn woman, I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago. You trying to kill me?
End of Weight Gain 4000


  102: "Weight Gain 4000" edit
Story Elements

Kathie Lee GiffordMayor McDanielsGeraldo RiveraJimbo KernMr. HatMr. GarrisonBook DepositoryJimbo's GunsWeight Gain 4000 • "Oh Kathie Lee" • "If My Friends Could See Me Now"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete First Season

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