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Cast

Script

W.T.F.
A professional wrestling ring. John Cena and Edge are in the ring with two lady wrestlers. One of them wears a pink bra, the other a black one.
John Cena
Say that again, Edge! You think you're better than me?!
Edge
Cena, your mouth has gotten you in trouble for the last time! I'm gonna shut it up for you!
Spectators
Oooooooooooooooooooooo!
Darryl
Mess him up, Edge!
Obese Woman
Kick his ass! WOO!
John Cena
Oh yeah?! I've got somethin' else to tell you, Edge! I slept with Vanessa last night. [everyone boos. Vanessa, the one with the pink bra, is embarrassed and tries to hide her face]
Redneck 1
[his vest has a tag that says "Eddie" on it] Cena slept with Edge's girlfriend?
Cartman
Oh my God, dude, this is sooo awesome!
Stan
I'm having the best time!
Edge
[a huge image of himself is on a massive TV screen behind him] You cheated, and took my belt from me, and now I can't hardly get work wrestling! You took muh girl AND you took my job! [all gasp]
Darryl
He took his job!
Redneck 2
He took his jrrr?
Redneck 3
Took hid drrr! [Edge throws down the mic and prepares to attack Cena. Edge slaps Cena hard enough that Cena falls to the ground, then does a victory pose. The ladies begin to wrestle]
Cartman
Oh, sweet! [the woman in black bra pulls on the other woman's arm using her right leg as leverage, then begins pummeling her. Cena throws Edge against the ropes]
Edge
Whoa... [flies off the ropes and into Cena's clothesline, which sends him to the floor on his back.]
Butters
Yes! Yehhehehes!
Cartman
This is awesome!
The Pepsi Center, night. The show has ended and the fans are pouring out of the center towards their cars. The boys come out as well: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Jimmy, and Token.
Cartman
Dude! That was so badass!
Kyle
Wrestling is awesome!
Stan
This is it you guys! We know what our calling in life is now. Tomorrow we are signing up for wrestling class! [the other boys cheer this decision.]
South Park Elementary, after school, gym. A sign on the gym door says the junior wrestling club is meeting at 4:15. The gym has new windows. The seven boys are present, all wearing protective gear and wrestling uniforms. They look down at their uniforms.
Cartman
The fuck is this?!
Stan
[a couple of seconds later] Why did they have us put on long underwear.
Kyle
Well ah I guess in wrestling we're supposed to make our own outfit, and then wear it over this.
Butters
Ohhh. Yeah, that makes sense.
Kyle
Alright, so did everyone settle on their wrestling names?
Cartman
I did. I'm the Rad Russian. [affects a fake Russian accent] I come from Russian to crush your puny capitalist heads!
Coach
[arriving] Alright boys! I'm really glad to see we have some new recruits interested in the fine sport of wrassling.
Kyle
Cool!
Stan
Yeah!
Butters
Let's do this!
Cartman
All right!
Coach
Now, the first thing we're gonna learn today are the fundamental wrassling holds. Let's get some volunteers. Uh why don't come over here young man? What's your name?
Cartman
The Rad Russian.
Coach
What?
Cartman
You capitalist swine, I'll crush you!
Coach
Okay uh, just go ahead and get on your hands and knees.
Cartman
Huh?
Coach
Just, down on, down on the floor. [Cartman bends over a bit, unsure of how to do this, given his girth] Hands and knees. [the coach helps him out in getting into position.]
Cartman
Okay...
Coach
Alright and now how about you. Your name is?
Butters
Triceratops!
Coach
Uh, all right, uh cu, come on over here. I'm gonna position you in the official wrassling starting position. [drapes Butters over Cartman] Here- we- go.
Cartman
The fuck is this?!
Coach
Now just reach around him here. Good.
Cartman
Dude! Dude! DUDE! [jumps to his feet] The fuck are you doing?!
Coach
Get back on the floor! I'm teaching the starting position of wrassling!
Cartman
That's not wrestling, dude, that's fucking gay!
Stan
Yeah, what are you? A child molester?
Kyle
Where's all the cool costumes and jumping off ropes and stuff?!
Coach
Oh, not this again! Let me guess: you just went to that stupid WWE show in Denver last night!
The Boys
Yeah! [all smiles]
Coach
Ugh. [the boys frown at this] The WWE is not wrassling! That's a bunch of fake bullcrap! How stupid are you! Real wrassling, boys, is this! [spreads his arms out to indicate the floor and their uniforms - practice, practice, practice]
Cartman
Well this is fucking lame dude! Let's get the hell out of here, guys. [they all take off their headgear and walk away]
Stan
Yeah, this guy probably wants to take pictures of us naked.
Butters
I got, half a mind to report, r-report you to the police, sir! [throws his headgear on the floor and walks away glaring back at the coach]
Coach
Rrrgh!
Cartman's house, day. He holds up a program written in crayon.
Cartman
The Wrestling Takedown Federation has several matches planned today. Alright, sooo, here's how we'll do this, guys. I'll come out to the ring first and then Jimmy, you come in and tell me you're gonna kick my ass. Then I'm gonna say "You slept with my girlfriend," and I'll charge you into a head slap.
Jimmy
Sounds good.
Cartman
Then Butters, you come in as the ref all like "No no, the fight hasn't started yet," and that's when Jimmy sneaks up from behind and hits me over the head with a foldaway chair.
Butters
Okey doke.
Jimmy
So is that when I t- tell you that your girlfriend is a whore?
Cartman
Noo, let's save the "girlfriend is a whore" line until after Stan headbutts Butters for trying to stop the fight again.
Butters
Hmboy, wrestling sure is fun!
Cartman
Alright are you ready to try this, guys?
Stan
Yup.
Cartman
Alright, let's start wrestlin'. [the boys take their starting positions]
Jimmy
I am gonna k-kick your ass!
Cartman
You slept with my girlfriend, Hammerclaw! [Cartman slaps him hard, and Jimmy falls. Butters intervenes.]
Butters
Hey! No! No, the fight hasn't started yet. No, bad.
Cartman
Hey! He slept with my girlfriend, referee! In my country we don't wait for a bell, miste-[Jimmy sneaks up behind him with a folding chair and smashes it into the back of his head, making him fall forward] ah!
Jimmy
Your girlfriend is a whore!
Cartman
[whispers aloud] Wait for it, wait for the whore line.
Jimmy
[softly] Oh, I'm sorry.
Token
You're gonna get it now, Hammerclaw!
Stan
We'll see about that!
Butters
Now hold on! I am stopping the fight! [Stan headbutts him] Eoh!
A park behind the Cartman house. The wall separating the backyard from the field is gone.
Redneck 4
What's goin' on?
Redneck 5
Apparently that crippled kid slept with that Russian kid's girlfriend.
Redneck 4
Jeez they're so young.
First match.
Kyle
I'll kill you, Triceratops! You made fun of my crippled mother!
Butters
That's because your mother betrayed my mother, Juggernaut!
Second match.
Stan
You don't come to this country and make fun of it!
Cartman
And just vhat do you care about your pitiful country?!
Stan
I served my country! I fought for two years in Vietnam.
From the seats in the backyard.
Redneck 6
That kid was in 'Nam? Man, that's incredible!
Redneck 7
Good for you for serving your country!
Out on the street, a redneck runs to tell the rednecks haning out on a truck.
Redneck 8
Guys, check this out! There's this little kid from the Congo, who was raised by panthers!
Redneck 9
Are you serious?
Third match.
Kyle
Just admit it, Congo! Admit that you lied about me to Irene!
Token
I admit nothing! Maybe Irene lied to you!
From the seats in the backyard. There are more chairs present.
Redneck 10
That kid in the hat is havin' sex with two different girls?
Redneck 11
Naw, that little kid from the Congo lied about one of them to try and get the kid in the hat in trouble with his wife.
Redneck 12
They're married?
Fourth match intro.
Jimmy
You have to forfeit the fight, Rad Russian! You cannot fight until your test results come ba-back!
Cartman
I might have to wait for my hepatitis test, but in the mean time, I have brought my comrade from Mexico to wrestle against you!
From the seats in the backyard.
Redneck 9
That Russian kid's got hepatitis?
Fourth match.
Announcer
And here he comes now, the cold-blooded wrestler from Mexico, El Pollo Loco! [Kenny, dressed as a masked luchador, comes out to mariachi fanfare and sparklers. The spectators clap and cheer him on]
Jimmy
What are you doing here, El, El Pollo Loco?
Kenny
(I came here to kick your ass once and for all!)
Nighttime. The wrestling matches are coming one after the other, connected by convoluted plot lines and story arcs.
Kyle
Your girlfriend doesn't even like you, Stan the Man! She likes me!
Stan
You have no idea what you're saying Juggernaut! Irene loves me and I'm gonna marry her!
Kyle
If she wants to be with you, how about you have her tell all these people here?
Announcer
Uh oh, here she comes now! It's Bad Irene! [Cartman, dressed as a diva, walks out of the dressing room and towards the ring. The crowd hoots and hollers. She climbs right in and takes the mic from Stan's hand]
Cartman
Let me tell you something! Let me tell you something! It's true, I love Stan the Man with all my heart, but... I want to be with Juggernaut now.
Stan
What?!
Redneck 13
No! No! What are you doing?! Stan the Man loves you!
Redneck 14
Don't break his heart!
Stan
If you love Juggernaut, Irene, then tell him what you did two years ago! How you killed his child!
Cartman
It's true. I was pregnant with your child and aborted it. [the crowd boos and expresses its disapproval]
Kyle
Irene, no! Why?
Cartman
Do you know what it's like to have an abortion at seven years old? DO YOU? I've had so many abortions. I just... got addicted to them.
Redneck 15
Whoa, did you hear that?
Redneck 16
Shh!
Stan
Irene, you said you loved me!
Cartman
I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with abortions. Don't you undestand?! [screams, runs up to Stan with a steel chair, and smashes him with it, knocking him down]
Spectators
Ohhhh! [Kyle runs up to Cartman and knocks him down with a flying kick] Ahhhh!
Skeeter's Bar, night. A bunch of men are gathered at the bar chatting.
Darryl
I'm telling you guys, you've got to see this. These kids ain't more than eight or nine years old an' they got more problems than you can imagine.
Redneck 13
There's this one kid, he saw his father get murdered. And yesterday he finds the killer, and it's this other kid whose an ex-cop. Needless to say, he whupped his ass good.
Darryl
Yup, and there's this little girl, she's actually addicted to gettin' abortions. Got pregnant by nearly every boy there.
Redneck 17
You're shittin' me!
Redneck 13
No! We're telling you these kids are fucking crazy! You gotta check it out! [the wrestling coach is sitting nearby, stewing at the conversation]
Darryl
You can watch 'em almost every afternoon. It's some of the greatest wrestlin' we ever seen.
Coach
[rises from his seat and approaches the men at he bar] It isn't real! Don't you people understand that stuff isn't real?! None of it! How stupid are you?! [Skeeter and another bar patron look at each other]
Redneck 13
[strokes his chin thoughtfully] What do you mean, it ain't real?
Coach
It's all made up! Fiction! Real wrassling is a serious and respectable sport! Why can't you people understand that that kind of wrestling isn't real?!
Darryl
[walks up to the coach] Mister, there's a little girl out there who's had fourteen abortions, an' she ain't even ten yet. But I guess that's just [holds up two fingers on each hand in a quote gesture] "not real" to you! [turns and walks back to the bar, saying under his breath] Son of a bitch.
Coach
Look look look! [whips out his iPhone to show them] THIS is wrestling. THIS. [two men are shown wrestling in Greco-Roman style. There's a lot of grunting in the match. The bar patrons watch the little screen for a few seconds]
Darryl
Mister, you'd better take your gay porn an' walk right out of this bar.
Cartman's backyard, a new dressing room. The boys prepare for their matches. Stan looks out through the curtains.
Stan
Holy crap dude, there's a huge turnout tonight.
Kyle
Good thing we made those changes to the seating.
Cartman
Alright you guys, let's bring it in. [the boys huddle and hold hands] I think we've done a really great job and let's just keep the energy up, you know, have a good flow, and have fun out there, okay?
Butters
Yeah!
Kyle
Let's do this! One! Two!
Boys
Backyard wrestling!
Cartman's backyard, moments later. The yard has been transformed into a Greek amphitheater. A façade now covers the back side of the house and a wrestling ring is in the amphitheater's pit. The place looks filled to capacity with people chattering, waiting for the matches to begin. The amphitheater lights dim and the crowd cheers as the wrestlers come out.
Cartman
Oh what a perfect night for fighting. Lo, the moon sets upon the tips of the trees and I, the man known as the Rad Russian, start to stir with the excitement of violence.
Stan
Only a country like yours can breed men of such discontent, Rad Russian. But you don't know what real pain is! PAIN! Like I've known. Abandoned when I was four years old by my parents. Left to die in a cold and dark sewage tunnel!
Redneck 13
Gee, I didn't know his parents did that.
Redneck 18
Shhh.
South Park Elementary, principal's office, day. Principal Victoria is talking with the wrestling coach.
Principal Victoria
I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid we have to terminate your employment here at South Park Elementary.
Coach
You're firing me? Why?!
Principal Victoria
The school board has decided to discontinue the wrestling program. Wrestling simply involves too much adult subject matter, like murder and abortion. [shows him the South Park Gazette, which has the headline "Kids Wrestle with Adult Issues"]
Coach
No, this isn't wrassling! THIS ISN'T WRASSLING! Principal Victoria, just let me stay on and I can teach kids what real wrassling is!
Principal Victoria
I'm sorry, the board has made up their minds.
Coach
You can't fire me for what these kids do!
Principal Victoria
That isn't the only reason you're being let go.
Coach
What do you mean?
Principal Victoria
[sighs] We... found all the gay porn on your iPhone, Mr. Conners.
The wrestling dressing room, day. The boys are dressing up for another round of wrestling matches. Kyle and Token are talking.
Kyle
So I'm thinking we do the part about Jimmy's relationship with his alcoholic father after you smash Butters onto the table.
Token
Oh! Sure, that works.
Cartman
[rushing in with a letter] You guys! You guys, listen to this! It's amazing!
Kyle
What dude? [the other boys gather 'round]
Cartman
We just received a letter from the WWE.
Stan
From the professional wrestlers we saw in Denver?
Butters
No way!
Cartman
"Gentlemen, We have heard of your wrestling organization and are quite interested in its popularity. The WWE is delighted to inform you that it will be sending a talent scout, President Vince McMahon to view your wrestling event this Saturday the twenty-fourth."
Stan
Vince McMahon is coming to see us?
Kyle
This is our shot at making it into the WWE. To be real wrestlers. [Stan and Kyle begin chanting "Omigod!" repeatedly]
Stan
Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!..
Kyle
Oh my God... Oh my God...
Token
I can't believe it's him.
Butters
I'm freaking out...
Kyle
[fans himself] Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!
Cartman
Okay guys! Guys, listen! We seriously have to focus here! We have exactly three days before the scout is here to see us wrestle. We gotta step it up and work it like never before.
Stan
Alright it's time to start the second act. Let's bring the crowd back in from intermission and then improvise some stuff for Saturday!
Intermission. The crowd is milling around in the front lawn, and the darkened amphitheater is visible behind the fence.
Darryl
Yeah, no I I think Congo is a great wrestler; I just think Rad Russian has his number.
Redneck 19
Yeah, but Rad Russian has a lot of abandonment issues. [a chime sounds, indicating the start of the second act]
Darryl
Uh oh, it looks like the intermission is over, better head back.
The amphitheater. The lights come up on Kyle in the ring, who begins to speak.
Kyle
I left my wife today. Walked out of the apartment without saying a word. I ran away from my responsibilities... just like I always do. [an elderly fan holds up a sign: "STOP RUNNING JUGGERNAUT"] And I, again, am alone. [Stan, Butters, and Token climb into the ring behind him]
Stan
Here he is, hiding in the forest as I told you. [Kyle turns to see the other three boys]
Butters
Juggernaut! There is to be an Ultimate Smackdown this Saturday! Are you going to run from that as well?
Kyle
I'll fight anytime, anywhere!
Redneck 20
He don't run from fights, just from responsibilities. [Token swings a chair into the back of Kyle's head, and Kyle falls to the floor]
Crowd
Oohhhhh! [Token begins to twist Kyle's arm] Boooooooo!
Stan
What do I do? Juggernaut is my long lost brother. [Kenny climbs into the ring as El Pollo Loco] And yet Congo saved my life in Nam. [Kenny picks up the chair and swings it into Token, and Stan turns to see him]
Announcer
It's El Pollo Loco! [a section full of Mexican fans hold up a Mexican flag and two banners: "Viva El Pollo Loco" and "Me Gusta El Pollo Loco"]
Sizzler, Thursday. The four boys are seated at a table.
Cartman
Thanks for coming, guys. I'm sure you're wondering why I've called you here to Sizzler.
Kyle
Yeah, what's this about? We should be writing our monologues for Smackdown.
Cartman
Well guys, Kenny and I have been talking.
Kenny
(Yeah, we've been talking.)
Cartman
And, I mean, Smackdown might be our one shot at making it into the WWE, right? I mean a shot like this might never come again.
Stan
Yeah?
Cartman
Well, the way we see it, we have three primary obstacles in making Smackdown a great show: Token, Butters, Jimmy.
Kenny
(Yep.)
Kyle
What are you talking about?
Cartman
Guys, let's face it: they can't wrestle for crap! I mean, every time I wrestle with one of them, they flub a line or blow their monologue. And Token? He has no emotion, no timing, he's the worst wrestler I've ever seen!
Stan
He's right.
Kyle
What?
Stan
Dude, it's really hard to do your best wrestling when you're up against Token.
Cartman
Right?
Stan
And Butters and Jimmy I mean, they're okay but, they're never gonna make it as professional wrestlers.
Kyle
Well, so then WWE will recruit us and not them.
Cartman
No dude, they're gonna hurt our chances.
Kenny
(They're gonna hurt our chances.)
Cartman
Because we all know that the new material I've written is stuff those guys can't handle, and we'll suffer from it!
Kyle
So what do we do?
Kenny
(We've gotta bring somebody else on.)
Cartman
Yep. We've gotta bring somebody else on who can handle the more difficult roles that we can wrestle against instead of those guys.
Stan
Somebody who can do the harder stuff we've written so that Token, Butters, and Jimmy can have smaller parts.
Kyle
How do we find somebody who can wrestle that well?
Cartman
It's simple. We just gotta hold tryouts.
Tryouts, later on. Syncopated music plays, similar to "All That Jazz." The four boys are seated at a table a few rows up in the amphitheater.
Cartman
Number seventeen step forward, please? [a man steps forward shielding his eyes from the glare of the spotlights] You're wrestling a Muslim immigrant. You suspect he could be a terrorist and your parents died in the 9/11 attacks. Go!
Number 17
[gets into a slight crouch] You dirty Muslim bastard! I don't trust you, and I never will! Do you know how it feels to lose your parents?! No you wouldn't, you smelly brown Middle Eastern piece of sh-
Cartman
Thank you! Number twenty-four? [another man steps forth as Number 17 returns to his place] You're wrestling for the right to marry Mackenzie Phillips, but just learned that she had sex with her father uh, go!
Number 24
Your father! Your own father! [slaps himself four times] I don't care if you were on drugs, you sick! Whore!
Cartman
Thank you. [Number 24 returns to his place]
Kyle
That guy's a pretty good wrestler.
Kenny
(Mhm.)
Stan
Yeah yeah, not bad.
Cartman
Let's see uh, can we get number thirty seven to step forward again. [Number 37 steps forward] We just wanna get to know you all a little better. What can you tell us about yourself?
Number 37
Not a whole lot to tell, really. Was born in Fort Collins, started watching wrestling when I was four years old. My father... he liked it too. Until he died. [stirring music begins to play] Sometimes I think it's 'cause of him I followed this dream. [breaks into song]

All my life, all I ever wanted was to
Beeeee a wrestler
Fiiiiighting in the ring
Winning that belt.
And so I dreamed every night that I was the
Uuuuundertaaker
Smaaaaashing skulls in
Breaking arms.
But I'm so worked up. This is something I can do.
Do I have what it takes inside?

Stan
Damn dude, that is some badass wrestling.
Cartman
Yeah, this guy crushes.
The coach's trophy room. A whole bunch of wrestling trophies and awards are shown as the camera pans to the right. The coach is seated in his armchair.
Mr. Conners
It isn't fair. All my hard work. [he's reading Saturday's Gazette, which has Vince McMahon's picture and name under the headline "Wrestling Smackdown Brings WWE President"] I'm not going to take it anymore. [he throws the paper to the floor, gets up from the chair, and walks over to a mirror.] That wrestling show is in for a big surprise. [grabs his headgear and puts it on] I'm putting an end to this once and for all! [gets into a wrestling stance] Hyaaaaa!
Cartman's house, Saturday night. A banner under the second-floor windows reads "ULTIMATE SMACKDOWN TONIGHT!!!" People from all over South Park gather on the front lawn. A white limo with the WWE logo emblazened on it comes to a stop in front of the house.
Kyle
[standing on a stool by the front window] He's here! Vince McMahon is here! [the other boys arrive. An assistant opens the back door and Vince steps out and surveys the front yard.]
Jimmy
Oowow, it's really him.
Stan
He's here, Ohh my God [Kyle hops off the stool and joins Stan in the chant] Omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod o-
Cartman
[preparing to dress as Irene] Alright, places everyone.
The backyard amphitheater. The lights go out and two spotlights light up the ring.
Cartman
[over the speakers] Welcome to this performance of Wrestling Takedown Federation: Smackdown. [An opera box has been built to accommodate McMahon. It has four seats, and an usher takes McMahon and assistant to their seats. Vince has his own personal Playbill with "WTF" on the cover]
Stan
Juggernaut? Juggernaut, hey, what's goin' on?
Kyle
You know what's goin' on. It's Smackdown tonight. Which means we might have to fight each other.
Stan
Heyhey whoa, you shouldn't be fighting anybody. What about your cancer?
Kyle
Wait a minute. Who is that?
Stan
It's Triceratops, and he's with Irene. [Coach Connors sneaks up to the side of Cartman's house with a briefcase and puts his back up against the wall]
Kyle
You aren't welcome here, Triceratops!
Cartman
My man can do whatever he wants.
Mr. Conners
Stay calm, you know what you have to do.
Cartman
You're just gonna have to deal with that.
Mr. Conners
For the good of real wrassling. [quickly moves away and out of sight]
Butters
No Irene, please! Just this once, do not abort this baby!
Cartman
My body, my rights! In fact, I'm jonesing for the rush so badly, I don't think I'll make it to the clinic.
Stan
No, you can't possibly mean that-!
Cartman
Yes! I think maybe I'll have another abortion! Right here, right now!
Crowd
Awwwww!
Kyle
There's someone here to wrestle you, Irene! A baby you aborted many years ago survived! And he's here now!
Number 37
[leaps into view in yellow tights and red boots] Mother! Why did you abort me? Why?
Redneck 21
He's alive!
Cartman
You! Get back in the trashcan where you belong!
The opera box.
Assistant
What do you think?
Stan
Irene, there's no way we could let you here, and I'd let you do something informal like that.
Vince
They are decent wrestlers. We'll see how they develop their through lines in the second act. [whips out some opera glasses and puts them on]
Under the bleachers. Coach Connors is sneaking around, occasionally going into a wrestling stance.
Jimmy
Aha! I thought I would find you here, Triceratops!
Butters
Stay out of my business Sergeant Hammerclaw! You just stay out of my way!
Guard
[catching up to the coach] Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm afraid this area is off limits.
Butters
[after Jimmy says something] Are you sure?
Mr. Conners
Oh don't mind me. [puts down his briefcase] I was just about to- [quickly gets the guard to the ground and takes up the starting position of wrassling.]
Guard
[seems to be enjoying all the moves and grunts the coach is making] Heh whoa-ho! Heh hey! Whoawhoawhoa. Whoahoho. Eheheh. The fuck is this?
The backyard amphitheater. The next segment begins with the Rad Russian holding court while the other wrestlers sway to the music behind him.
Cartman
O, how I long for the spring meadows of Russia! The soft Russian sky!
An upper floor under the bleachers. The coach climbs up a ladder to this floor and sets his briefcase down. He opens the case and assembles the rocket-propeled grenade launcher inside it.
Stan
When are you going to face reality, Congo? Just because you were raised by panthers doesn't mean you are one!
Butters
He's closer to a panther than you'll ever be!
Jimmy
Lies! These are all a bunch of lies! [back to the ring. Kenny has a bloody baby doll under his left arm. A fake umbilical cord is attached to it] Now you listen here, El, Pollo Loco! It doesn't matter if your wife was killed, you cannot keep Irene's aborted baby!
Kenny
(I can keep the baby...)
The railing at the very top of the amphitheater, behind the topmost seats. The coach climbs up and over it with his RPGL.
Cartman
Just let them crawl back to Mexico Sergeant Hammerclaw. [The coach picks up the RPGL, puts it on his shoulder, and takes aim] We can't... might as well go back to your land of burritos, tacos, and take this aborted baby where it will fit in right with all the other aborted babies in Mexico!
Mr. Conners
[while Cartman speaks] Only one shot. [moves his aim from the ring to the opera box] Maximum damage. [zooms in on McMahon] This is all your fault, you WWE president asshole! Your fault we all die here. Right. Now. FOR WRASSLING! [fires the launcher and the rocket takes off. It goes towards the façade, but stops and drops harmlessly into the ring] NO! [Kenny picks it up. It comes back to life and takes off with him holding on. They go all over the place, but finally take off into the sky, where the grenade blows up and releases fireworks. Below, Mexican fans of El Pollo Loco hold up banners: "Viva El Pollo Loco" "Me Gusta El Pollo Loco"]
Fan 1
O dios mio, mataron al Pollo Loco!
Fan 2
Bastardos! [Kenny's theme music comes up as the fireworks continue coming down. Vince and his assistant stand up and applaud the performance]
Mr. Conners
[coming down the bleachers towards the ring] No! No, shut up! [steps into the ring] You idiots want wrassling?! This is wrassling! [performs some wrestling stances and grunts, but gets booed]
Redneck 22
We want some real wrestlers!
Mr. Conners
This is just a bunch of garbage! And you are all ruining the good name of wrassling! [the boos continue] Wrassling is from ancient Greece! It's in the Olympics!
Darryl
What the hell do you care?! Get off the wrestlin' mat! Boo!
Mr. Conners
Why do I care? These kids made it so real wrassling is gone from schools! It's practically gone from the culture. Damn it they took my job!
Crowd
[suddenly confused] Huh? What?
Redneck 5
They took his job.
Redneck 23
I know. Sshh. [the crowd falls silent, waiting for his next words]
Mr. Conners
You want to know pain? Pain is dedicating your entire life to a sport, to a career, and then having it all ripped away from you like a babe from its mother.
Darryl
Oh man, they took his job?
Redneck 13
They took hid-drr.
Mr. Conners
Lost everything! Couldn't even afford to pay for my... little retriever Rex anymore! Animal Control came and got him!
Redneck 24
They took his dog!
Redneck 25
They tok hid-drr!
Redneck 5
Took hid-drrr!
Mr. Conners
I ended up on the streets, stealing! Got busted by the police and had to spend the night in jail! The other inmates, they all beat me up and fractured my jaw to where I couldn't eat!
Redneck 26
They broke his jaw!
Redneck 22
Theeyy broke his jaw!
Redneck 27
Brk hij-jrr! [a rooster in a cage crows]
Mr. Conners
So you see I have nothing left. Nothing! Not even the will to live. [He closes his eyes. The crowd takes it in, applauds, then gives him a standing ovation. He opens his eyes, surprised at the reaction. Flowers begin falling at his feet, and Vince McMahon steps into the ring to approach him]
Vince
Sir, that was one of the finest wrestling performances I have ever seen.
Mr. Conners
What?
Vince
Will you not join our wrestling organization? I promise to make you our leading act.
Mr. Conners
You, you mean it?
Vince
Come! I want to get you in rehearsals right away! [leaves the ring with the coach]
Kyle
What?
Stan
Dude.
Cartman
Hey, what about us? Our show? [the coach is now grinning as the two men walk away]
Vince
Sorry boys. You are decent wrestlers, but lack the raw wrestling talent this man has.
The Boys
Aaaaah.
Cartman
This is all your fault, Kyle! You screwed up the second act!
Kyle
Me?! It was your stupid-ass writing!
Jimmy
Face it: Stan's crappy singing is what sssunk us!
Stan
What?? [three fights break out in the ring: Cartman vs. Kyle, Jimmy vs. Stan, and Token vs. Butters]
Jimmy
You can s-, you can suck, suck my balls!
Stan
Don't go pointing fingers at me, Cartman! You have no idea what you're talking about, and it wasn't... [the fighting continues. The crowd gets bored of this unscripted fight]
Redneck 28
What the hell's this?
Redneck 29
This is Goddamned fake!
Darryl
Screw this, this is just stupid. [leaves his seat. Other spectators leave their seats as the boys continue to fight in the ring]
Cartman
Oh, don't start with me, Kenny!
Redneck 30
FAKE!
Cartman
Kenny! I'm-
End of W.T.F.


  1310: "W.T.F." edit
Story Elements

Wrestling Takedown FederationVince McMahonMr. Conners • "Wrestling Audition Song"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Thirteenth Season