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Up the Down Steroid/Script

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  • Eric Cartman
  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Timmy Burch
  • Nathan
  • Nancy
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Ryan Valmer
  • Sarah Valmer
  • Liane Cartman
  • Michael
  • Michael's parents
  • Barry Bonds
  • Mark McGuire
  • Special Olympics host
  • Special Olympics coaches
  • Special Olympics volunteers
  • Various Special Olympics Participants


[Stan's backyard, day. The boys are playing the "Investigative Reports with Bill Curtis" game when Timmy and Jimmy arrive]
Jimmy: Hey fellas.
Stan: Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy.
Timmy: Timmy!
Jimmy: [carries a brochure under his right arm] Say fellas, Jimmy and I were wondering if maybe you would come and cheer for us next S-S-Saturday. We're both competing in the Special Olympics down in Denver.
Cartman: [approaches Jimmy] The Special Olympics? What's so special about them?
Kyle: They're Olympic games for handicapped people.
Cartman: [snickers] What?
Jimmy: [hands Cartman the brochure] Timmy and I are competing in a variety of events.
Stan: Yeah sure, we'll come cheer you and Timmy on.
Kyle: Yeah, that'd be cool.
Jimmy: Thanks a lot, fellas. Well, we gotta get down to the training center and start working out. Word is we have a lot of sssstiff competition this year.
Kyle: Well all right, we'll see you on Saturday, guys.
Timmy: Timmy! [he and Jimmy walk off.]
Cartman: Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped people like this. I mean, making them compete against each other just for our amusement.
Kyle: ...You're an asshole, Cartman.
Cartman: What? What'd I do?
[Denver Athletic Club, Denver, day. Inside, the athletes are working out on a variety of equipment. Jimmy and Timmy are at a bench press. Jimmy presses weights as Timmy spots him.]
Jimmy: S-s-six!
Timmy: Timmih.
Jimmy: S-s-s-ssseven!
Timmy: Timmih. Timmih!
Jimmy: S-s-seven!
Timmy: Timmih! Timmih!
Jimmy: [gets back on count, but falters] Ni- I can- I can't! [Timmy helps Jimmy put the weights back on the bar rest] Huff. Oh man. [sits up] Gee whiz, Timmy. It looks like we have some pretty stiff competition this year. [another kid at a nearby bench press laughs] All of the special athletes seem to be in tip-top condition, and I can't even get past seven ru-reps. Hoh well, that's it for me, Timmy. I'm p-p-p-pooped. I'll see you in the locker room.
Timmy: Otimmih. [Jimmy walks away]
Francis: Hey Jimmy, g-good luck on Saturday.
Jimmy: [turns and looks] You too, Francis. [looks forward and resumes walking. In a darkened hallway stands a big athlete with an air of hauteur about him]
Nathan: Hey Jimmy.
Jimmy: Oh he-hey, N-Nathan.
Nathan: So uh, I see you train pretty hard.
Jimmy: [moves into the hallway and faces Nathan] Yeah, it sure is tough. I'm training really hard, but I'm not improving fast enough, and the Special Olympics are a... week away.
Nathan: Weeell uh, maybe I can help you out. You know, there are shortcuts.
Jimmy: What kind of shortcuts?
Nathan: You know. Steroids.
Jimmy: S-s-ss-s-s-steroids? [Nathan signals him to be quite as another handicapped athlete walks by] ...But aren't those illegal?
Nathan: Yeah, sure, but these are new. They don't show up in our urine tests.
Jimmy: So uh, ha-how do they... w-w-work?
Nathan: [holds out a prescription bottle] You just take one of these little blue babies [holds up three fingers] three times a day [reaches into a fanny pack and pulls out a syringe] and inject this directly into your bloodstream [holds up two fingers] twice a day before meals.
Jimmy: How much would this cost me?
Nathan: Uuuh, it isn't cheap. I've gotta keep vice off my back and secure shipments from overseas.
Jimmy: [looks around uneasily] Well... then maybe I'll just use them a-al-little bit. You know, as a per-formance en... hancer.
Nathan: Oh, whatever you say, Jimmy my friend. [steps closer] Whatever you say. [Jimmy reaches out for the drugs]
[Stan's house, front yard. The boys are playing with various toy big rigs. Stan moves a gas truck, Kenny an ambulance, Kyle a tow truck]
Cartman: [rushes up with the brochure] You guys! You guys! I have the best idea ever! I'm gonna be rich!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Dude, I was just looking at the Special Olympics brochure, and check this shit out: "At the end of the Special Olympics, a Grand Champion Special Athlete is crowned and given a cash prize of $1000" [he looks at his friends as his jaw drops]
Stan: So?
Cartman: So?! So, dude, think about it. If somebody just pretended to be mentally handicapped, they could easily win the competition and get the thousand bucks!
Kyle: Oh no. Cartman, no!
Cartman: It's flawless! I'll act like I have a disability, and when the time come to compete I'll kick ass against all the handicaps!
Stan: That's really, really terrible, dude.
Cartman: Terrible?? Whatever! You guys' brains just can't compute complex plans like mine can! It'll work, you'll see. [walks off]
Kyle: [moves and catches up to Cartman] Cartman! I will not stand by and let you cheat your way to winning the Special Olympics!
Cartman: Why?
Kyle: Because! [takes away the brochure]
Cartman: What are you gonna do, Kyle?! Tell on me?! [points an accusing finger at him] Then you'll be a great big no-good double-faced poopy-pants tattle-tale! [lowers it] Is that really how you deal with your problems?! Grow up, Kyle! [turns around and walks off. Kyle seethes in silence. Cartman now talks to himself] All I have to do is make people think I'm handicapped, and I get a thousand dollars. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.
[A montage, to the tune of "Scarface (Put It To The Limit)" Cartman sits at his computer typing away. Onscreen are his plans for looking handicapped, "Ways to Appear Handicapped." He's then at the library poring over piles of books. The librarian wheels a cartload of books over, Cartman points to the spot at which they should be dropped off, and the librarian obliges. Cartman then rides to school in the Special Ed bus, taking notes on the behavior of handicapped students. Next, he's in the bathroom at home contorting his face this way and that, then takes more notes. He leafs through another book and types in more notes into his computer, then pours himself some more coffee. Cartman goes to a clothing store looking for ill-fitting clothes. He then cobbles a custom shoe for himself. He goes home and tries it out. He goes to a CGI studio and puts on a motion suit so he can make a 3D model of himself on a computer. He takes the 3D model home and modifies it on his own computer: "Handicapped Walk Analysis." He then goes into the bathroom and cuts off clumps of his hair to look as if he were retarded. He goes to the living room and looks at a Kid Rock video for more inspiration and takes notes. He puts on a bicycle helmet and pulls his hair out through the holes. He assembles the various parts of his handicapped outfit and puts it on. He squishes his face upwards for the finishing touch and ties the helmet straps together well below his chin]
Cartman: Daaaarrrr. Duuuuurrrr. I wanna be in the Special Olympics. [loosens the chin straps and lowers his face to normal] Bull's eye!
[Jimmy's house, bedroom, night. Jimmy is at his bed. He straps on a strip of heavy rubberband, dabs his arm a few times with alcohol, jabs the syringe into his arm and injects some liquid steroids into his arm. He loosens the rubber band and someone knocks on his door. He looks around and jumps off his bead]
Jimmy: Oh! Agh! Ju-just a second! [heads for his duffel bag and hauls it to his night stand. The knock is heard again]
Dad: Jimmy?
Jimmy: [sweeps the steroids into the bag] Hang on, I'm-I'm, coming. [rushes to the closet and shoves the duffle bag in.]
Dad: Jim, it's your father!
Jimmy: [walking towards the door] I said I'm coming! Give me a Goddamned s-second! [realizes he still has the syringe in his mouth] Hold it. [and spits it out. He opens the door and sees his father with a cup of coffee.]
Dad: Jimmy, were you masturbating?
Jimmy: N-no, Dad.
Dad: Okay. Well, you have a visitor. [the camera pans down to a pretty girl, who enters the room]
Girl: Hi Jimmy.
Jimmy: Oh. Hi, N-N-Nancy.
Nancy: I was hoping we would study for the spelling test tomorrow.
Jimmy: Oh. Sure thing. Come on in.
Dad: I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Jim.
Jimmy: Yeah, Dad. We've been going out since we met in Free Period last week.
Dad: I'll leave you two alone. [reaches for the door, but stops] Y-You sure you weren't masturbating, Jim? It's okay if you were.
Jimmy: Dad, Jesus C-Christ!
Dad: Okay, then. [they look at each other]
[A basketball court, day. The boys take turn shooting hoops, but none of them make a basket. Cartman waddles into view in his handicapped getup]
Cartman: Drrrrrrey drrrrrrrey. [the boys stop and look] Hey guys, what's going on? Drrrrr.
Kyle: [low voice] God damn you!
Cartman: You see, gentlemen? The Special Olympics Championship and my one thousand dollars is just four days away. [This means it's Tuesday prior] I'm going to go sign up now.
Kyle: No you're not! [whips out the brochure] I read the brochure, Cartman! If you're under eighteen, you have to have a parent with you to sign up for the Special Olympics.
Cartman: What?! [takes the brochure back from Kyle]
Kyle: It says right there "a parent has to be with you to sign up," and you'll never get your mom to agree to something so horrible, so ha! [grins confidently. Cartman looks at him, then at the brochure and reads]
[Cartman's house, later. Liane is at the kitchen table paying bills. Cartman walks in from the dining room. He puts his arms behind his back]
Cartman: Moooommmm?
Liane: Yes, hon? [begins writing a check]
Cartman: Um, could I get you to do something for me?
Liane: What's that, hon?
Cartman: Um, okay. This is goin' ta sound a little strange. Um, but, stick with me. Um, moooommm? Would you mind coming with me to sign up for the Special Olympics so I can beat all the handicapped kids and win a thousand dollars? [Liane looks up and goes pale]
Liane: Oh... N- no, sweetie. I believe those Olympics are just for... "special" children.
Cartman: I'm not special? I thought you always said I was special.
Liane: You are, hon, but... I don't think that's a very good idea. [writes out another check]
Cartman: ...I'll split the money with you. [Liane stops]
Liane: ...I'm sorry, Eric. The answer is No. [Cartman is upset and begins to think a little harder]
Cartman: [walks up to the table] All right, Mom, look. Here's .. the truth. [under his breath] God, this is gonna be hard to say. [normally] I think, Mom, that I've been hard on some of the handicapped kids at school in the past. I've sometimes looked at people with disabilities as people God put here on earth for my amusement, but... now I'm starting to think... that if I could just spend one day in their shoes... if I could just see the challenges they face every day... maybe I wouldn't be so cold. I just want a chance to change. [looks up at her with longing] Help me change?
Liane: Oh, a- a- all right, sweetie, I- I'll take you tomorrow.
Cartman: Awesome.
[Denver Athletic Club, day. Jimmy and Timmy are in the locker room getting ready to leave]
Jimmy: You did a great job in the 500, Timmy. You're really im-p-p-proving.
Timmy: Timmih!
Jimmy: I think I really got a shot at the gold in the swimming competition. Coach says I'm the fastest he's ever seen. Well, I'll see you nice and early for p-practice, Tim-Tim. Oh, uh, can you hand me my bag?
Timmy: [slips on his sweater] Timmih! [reaches over for the bag and grabs a handle. The contents spill out, since he didn't grab the other handle, and he sees the steroids drop to the floor. He looks down sadly and holds the bag a litle closer. Jimmy is frozen in place. Timmy's voice shakes] Tim- Timmy?
Jimmy: Oh, uh, so... hey, Timmy... uh hu-how about we go out for a s-s-soda later? [sweeps the steroids back into the bag. Timmy finds a bottle on his pants and looks at it. Jimmy finishes up and leaves] I'll uh, I-I'll see you later, Tim-Tim.
Timmy: [turns and exclaims] Timmih... [the tone of voice stops Jimmy]
Jimmy: [turns] Look it's really none of your b-b-b-beeswax, Timmy!
Timmy: [rolls up to Jimmy] Timmih. Timmih!
Jimmy: Because I, maybe I don't have what it takes to win with-without them!
Timmy: [turns aside and sighs] Timmih. [rolls away a bit] T-T-Timmih.
Jimmy: You you aren't gonna... tell anybody, are you?
Timmy: Huh! Timmih! T-Timmih!
Jimmy: Look, it's my b-body and it's my choice what I put in it!
Timmy: Timmih! Timmih, Jimmih! [points to himself] Arrrh Timmih! [points to himself] Jimmih!
Jimmy: Don't lecture me on the complexities of sportsmanship. You know as well as I do most of the kids in Special Olympics aren't shooting up to compete. I'm just trying to k-keep up.
Timmy: [spent] Huh... Timmih... [holds the bottle out over the floor] Timmih.
Jimmy: [angered] S-s-s-so what are you gonna do now, huh?! You gonna be a fuckin' narc and show that b-bottle to the... coaches?! [Timmy drops the bottle on the ground, turns around and rolls away. Jimmy watches him leave] Don't think you're any better than me, Timmy! I'm just living in the real world! [looks down at the bottle, then kicks the bottle away with his left crutch] Fuck!
[The Special Olympic Field, next day. Timmy is in the field ready for the javelin throw]
Timmy: Timmih! [rolls forward and throws the javelin] Aaar-yaaaaah Timmih! [the javelin hits the ground near a coach]
Coach: All right, thirty yards, Timmy! Keep it up!
Timmy: Oowrrr! Timmih! Livilaye!
Jimmy: [runs down a track for the long jump] Y-yeess! [jumps into the air and lands]Grrrr!
Coach 2: Wuh-wow, Jimmy, I can't believe how much you've improved! You're bigger and stronger than I've ever seen you!
Jimmy: Yeah, I've been working out... r-really hard.
Coach 2: You keep going like this and you'll break Special Olympics records on Saturday!
[The Special Olympic Field, registration table, moments later. A family of three arrives]
Man: Okay, so this is all the stuff we need to sign Michael in?
Volunteer: Yup. Just take the sign-up sheet down to the next table and we'll get it all finalized.
Woman: Thank you very much.
Volunteer: Thank you! Good luck, Michael.
Michael: Thanks.
Volunteer: Okay, next in line please?
Cartman: [looking really retarded, steps up to the table with his mom] Naaaa! Daaaaa!
Volunteer: Hello there.
Liane: Hello. Um, I would like to... sign my son up, please.
Cartman: Naaaa!
Volunteer: Oh, great! What's his name?
Liane: Eric Cartman...
Cartman: Caaartmaaan! Daaaaa!
Volunteer: Okay. Age?
Liane: He's nine.
Volunteer: O-kay, and what's his disability?
Liane: ...Um, he's retarded. [Cartman offers a retarded grin]
Volunteer: ...N-no, I'm asking what his specific condition is. Down's Syndrome? Cerebral palsy?
Liane: Ohhh, oh. I'm not sure. [Cartman looks up with some concern] Sweetie, what is your condition?
Cartman: ...How should I know? I'm retarded. Daaaaa!
Volunteer: I'll just leave that blank for now.
[The Special Olympic Field, under the bleachers. Jimmy prepares to inject more steroids into his right arm]
Jimmy: [performs the injection] Yeah, b-bigger, stronger! [Timmy rolls by and hears him, then raises his eyes in alarm]
[South Park Elementary, day. Timmy rolls to Mr. Mackey's office, sighs and knocks.]
Mr. Mackey: [opens the door] Oh, hi Timmy. Come on in. [Timmy follows Mr. Mackey in] I understand you have somethin' important you wanna talk to me about, m'kay?
Timmy: [leans forward and begins] Timmy.
Mr. Mackey: Well, Timmy, as your counselor, I want you to know that you can tell me anything, m'kay? And whatever's troublin' you, I wanna try and, and help you with it.
Timmy: [sighs and begins again] Timmy.
Mr. Mackey: Mmm'kay, right, you're Timmy. ...Yo-you have a problem?
Timmy: [shakes his head vigorously] No Timmy, Jimmy.
Mr. Mackey: Ji-Jimmy?
Timmy: [showing his frustration] Haaa! [remembers something] Oh, oh! [wheels over to a class picture of the fourth graders. Jimmy is at one end of the front row, with Mr. Garrison behind him. Timmy reaches up and points] Jimmy.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, Jimmy Valmer! Oh, okay, what about him?
Timmy: [rolls back and tries to get the story out with gestures. He demonstrates Jimmy asking for his bag] Timmih! Timmih, uh, Jimmih. [demonstrates himself handing the bag to Jimmy and seeing the contents fall out] Hey Timmy, Timmih Tim-oh! Tim-Timmih! [shows his reaction to the steroids] Timmmih? Jimmih! Jimmih. [demonstrates the argument between the two] Jimmih Timmih Timmih? Timmih, Timmih! Jimmih... Jimmih! Jimmih! Timmih! [demonstrates the bottle being dropped] Timmih!
Mr. Mackey: [confused] Mmmmm'kaaay. I don't quite follow, Timmy.
Timmy: Argh. Jimmy...
Mr. Mackey: Right, Jimmy Valmer.
Timmy: Uh. [demonstrates himself minding his own business when he sees Jimmy shooting up in the shadows], Timmih Jimmih Jimmih Jim- [demonstrates the injection, then flexes his muscles and takes a sinister tone] Jimmh Timmih Timmih Jimmih!
Mr. Mackey: Right. He's Jimmy, yeah.
Timmy: [really frustrated] Haaaaaaaaaah!
[Cartman's room, night. Cartman types away at his computer. Screen reads: How I Will Spend My One Thousand Dollars By Eric Cartman. A knock on his door is heard]
Cartman: Enter. [Kyle enters, and walks up next to Cartman]
Kyle: Cartman, I really, really have a problem with what you're doing. I object to it morally, and I find it grossly offensive. [they look at each other and Cartman closes a book he had open for reference]
Cartman: Go on, Kyle.
Kyle: I know that I often have serious moral objections to the things that you do, but... this time I think you really need to reconsider, because if you do this, I believe you will go to hell. So I feel it is my responsibility, as your friend, to tell people what you're doing, and to put a stop to it!
Cartman: Well, Kyle, I understand where you're coming from, and I appreciate you being so direct. Um, the thing is, you really have kind a warped view on morality because you're Jewish. Now, Kyle, you haven't gone to see Mel Gibson's film, The Passion but-
Kyle: I didn't come here to talk about The Passion, Cartman!
Cartman: Let me finish. If you had seen The Passion you would know that Hell is reserved for the Jews, and all those who don't accept Christ. That being the case, it is actually me who is worried about your soul.
Kyle: I came here to talk about you!
Cartman: Yes. [hops off his seat and consoles Kyle] And instead you had to break through yourself. This is really the beginning of a whole new chapter of your life, Kyle. [whispers] Good luck. [after a few seconds, Kyle turns around and goes to leave. He opens the door, turns around to say something but instead walks out. Cartman just hums a tune, goes back to the computer and reads some more.]
[Jimmy's house. He's working out on a bench press in his room. A mirror sits next to him] '
Jimmy: Come on, push it! Push it! [he pushes the weights onto the bar rest and sits up. He checks his musculature out in the mirror] Yeah. Nice p-pecs. Sweet b-biceps. [the door opens and Nancy enters]
Nancy: Jimmy, I thought we were meeting at the doughnut shop.
Jimmy: The Games are in two days, Nancy. I can't be w-wasting my time.
Nancy: I guess I didn't realize I was a waste of time.
Jimmy: Oh Jesus! [lays back down and takes up the weights] You gonna start running your mouth off again? [begins new reps] P-push it! Push it!
Nancy: Jimmy, everyone's worried about you. You seem... different.
Jimmy: Theh-they're all just... jealous.
Nancy: You're not the boy I fell in love with last week during Free Period. I'm leaving you.
Jimmy: [quickly rests the weights and sits up] You're not leaving me! You try to leave me and I'll kill you, bitch!
Nancy: You can't treat people like this!
Jimmy: [gets up and walks over to Nancy, then begins beating her with his crutches. She wails] I said, shut your mouth, bitch! Why did you make me do it, huh?! [he grabs her by the throat and throws her head against the floor a few times, then whacks her on the side of the head a few times.] You're not leavin' anybody! You just keep your G-Goddamned mouth shut and do what you're t-t-t-uh-tol-told! [resumes beating her. His mom opens the door to see what's the matter] '
Sarah Valmer: What the? [tries to stop the beating] Jimmy, oh my God!
Jimmy: [throws his mother off and heads for the door] Stay away from me, you stupid b-b-b-bitches! [walks down the hall, hits the walk with his right crutch, and breaks down.] No! God! [collapses on his back and bawls] '
[Saturday morning at the Special Olympics stadium] '
Host: Welcome, everyone, to the 2004 Special Olympics! [the crowd cheers. The boys are there, as promised] We will be holding various throughout the day, and at the end of it all we will have some very special celebrity athletes here to present the trophy for top athlete, along with the cash prize of one thousand dollars.
Jimmy: [flexes his right bicep] Top athlete, yeah! '
Cartman: One thousand dollars, yeah!
Host: So let's have all our athletes report to their first assigned events and... Let the Games begin! [The crowd cheers wildly]
[First event, Track and Field, 100-meter dash] '
Announcer: Will those athletes in heat 1 of the hundred-meter dash please report to Track Area B.
Volunteer 2: Okay, racers, are we ready? [raises her firing pistol] Take your marks.
Cartman: [hobbles into the fifth position on the track] Daaaa! Daaaa! '
Volunteer 2: On your marks! Get set! Go! [the runners take off. Cartman quickly falls behind]
Cartman: Whoa. What the hell?? [the girl in position 6 breaks the tape. Cartman hobbles past the finish line four seconds later]
Volunteer 2: Great job, everyone. [points to the runners who were in positions 6, 2, and 4] You three advance to the next heat. [the group leaves]
Winner: All right!
Blond Boy: Good Job.
Blonde Girl: We did it!
Cartman: Well, guess I'll, guess I'll just have to kick ass in the other events.
["Put It To The Limit" begins to play again. Cartman is in a swimming competition now, but again, he's struggling in last place. Jimmy lifts a bar laden with weights successfully in the clean-and-jerk competition, then throws the bar down] '
Jimmy: Yeeessss! [walks back and forth happily] Yes! Yes!
Announcer: He's got it! That's a new Special Olympics record, folks! [Timmy is understandably unimpressed and pissed off]
[Back to Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Cartman is again last]
Cartman: [trips over a hurdle] God-damnit!
[Back to Swimming events. Jimmy takes his heat easily] '
Announcer: Winner, Jimmy Valmer! [Jimmy flexes his left arm and scrambles out of the water. Jimmy is more pissed off]
[Track and Field events, pole-vault. a Special Olympian runs up to the posts, plants his pole in the square mark, and clears the bar successfully. Cartman steps up to the straight track with his pole] '
Cartman: All right, this one I can win! [drops his pole, takes off his helmet and gives it to another athlete] Here, hold this! [takes up his pole and aims] I'll show you Goddamned retards! [runs up to the posts, plants his pole, and sails up, but the pole won't straighten out. It flexes a few time before it breaks, sending Cartman back down to the track, where he lands on his back]
[Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Jimmy increases his lead over the competition] '
[Track and Field events, javelin throw. An athlete runs up to the edge and throws his javelin. His tongue hangs out. Timmy rolls up and throws his javelin. Cartman runs up and throws his, but it lands just far enough for him to still touch the tail end of it] '
Cartman: God-damnit!
[Track and Field events, triple jump. Jimmy jumps and lands at 18.5 feet, skids a foot more, then stops and waits for the score] '
Announcer: That's another Special Olympics record!
Jimmy: [raises his arms and crutches up in victory] Yeah! Yeah! [turns around] Yeah, I did it! [turns around] Yeah! Yeah! '
[Early evening at the Special Olympics stadium. The sun has set and some of the crowd is back on the field] '
Host: Ladies and Gentlemen, our day of competition has come to an end, and we have an ultimate grand special champion for 2004! Here to present the award are baseball legends Mark McGuire, Jason Giambi, and Barry Bonds. [the three players come out and walk to the podium. All of them are buff]
Bonds: The 2004 special athlete is... Jimmy Valmer.
Jimmy: [raises up his left arm and crutch] Yeah! Fuck yeah! [Timmy sits nearby with his arms crossed, glaring at Jimmy. Jimmy walks up to the podium] Yeah, I did it! I'm the b-bub-best! [Bonds hands Jimmy the medal. The host returns to the podium] '
Host: Congratulations, Jimmy. But we all know that the Special Olympics isn't just about winning. And so, we will now give out the Spirit Award, to the handicapped person who came in very last. Eric Cartman!
Cartman: Ah, screw you hippies!
Host: For winning the Spirit Award, Eric will receive this gift certificate to Shakey's for fifty dollars! Come on up, Eric!
Cartman: ...I could pile at Shakey's, heck. [puts on his helmet and walks up] Uh, Drrrr! Drrrr!
Jimmy: [confronts Cartman] Hey! Just what the hell do you think you're doing, Eric?! '
Cartman: [humbly] Uhh, hehe. Uh de-duhhhh. '
Jimmy: You f-f f-faked being handicapped to win?! [grabs Cartman by the collar] I should k- ick your ass right here, you lousy no-good ch-ch-cheater!
Timmy: [approaches] Timmih! '
Jimmy: What?
Timmy: [points to Jimmy] Timmih! '
Jimmy: [thinks a moment] Oh my God. You-you're right, Timmy. You're totally right. [walks up to the mic and begins talking] Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [everyone falls silent] I'm afraid I have to give back my medal. The truth is, I haven't been playing fair either. I've been using st-steroids. I was willing to do anything to be the best, and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting. [a shot of Nancy, injured and taped around the head. She smiles] A good friend even tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't listen to him. [a shot of Timmy, who smiles and shows off his silver medal. Others around him wear bronzes.] Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics. [a shot of a chastened Cartman before the baseball players] Because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But I know now that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner. You're just a p-pussy. You're just a [shot of Mark McGuire] big fat p-p-pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say, [shot of Barry Bonds] "Remove me from the record books, because I am a big, stinky p-pussy- " [shot of Jason Giambi] "-steroid-taking jackass." [Giambi nods ever so subtly] That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you'll let me, I'll be back next year. To compete with honor. [applause rises from the stands, followed by cheers. The volunteers and baseball players gather around Jimmy] '
McGuire: Hey kid. Good for you for being honest.
[The stands. Cartman walks up to his friends] '
Cartman: Well guys, I guess now you see what I was up to all along. I dressed up like a handicapped person and lost the Special Olympics on purpose, so that Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids. [he looks at Kyle and then Stan for a reaction, but neither offers any. He frowns, then steps forward angrily] Eh, oh yeah?! We- well you guys are assholes! [straightens up] Grow up! [walks off in a huff]
[End of Up The Down Steroid.] '

  803: "Up the Down Steroid" edit
Story Elements

Timmy BurchJimmy ValmerEric CartmanNancyNathan • "Push It to the Limit"


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