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Leftarrow "Sponsored Content/Script" "Truth and Advertising/Script" "PC Principal Final Justice/Script" Rightarrow

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Butters Stotch
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Leslie
  • Nathan
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Principal Victoria
  • Mrs. Nelson
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Shelly Marsh
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Caitlyn Jenner
  • Clerk
  • Rancher
  • Reporter Bill Keegan
  • Stephen Stotch
  • Survey worker

Newsmen

  • David
  • Kevin Jarvis
  • Rick
  • Newsman 2
  • Tom

Script

Truth and Advertising
South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade, day. The new teacher, Mrs. Nelson is writing out a lesson on adverbial clauses on the chalkboard
Mrs. Nelson
Alright guys, now let's go back and talk about infinitives [begins writing the lesson on that subject]. Remember, those are verbs combined with the work "to."
Cartman
[yawns and whispers to Kyle] Oh, my fucking God...
Mrs. Nelson:
Now, usually an infinitive acts like a noun, as in "I want TO go out to eat" or [Cartman tugs on Kyle's pen, making him mess up, and smiles. Kyle pulls the pen away. Cartman pulls again] "I hope TO be chosen today."
Kyle
What?
Cartman
I'm so bored, dude.
Mrs. Nelson
Now usually, it isn't common to split TO and the verb, but sometimes you can, [Cartman pulls the pen out of Kyle's hand and throws it away],
Kyle
Knock it off!
Mrs. Nelson
as in-. Is there a problem, guys?
Kyle
Go get my pen, fatass
Cartman
I am not your slave, Kyle.
Kyle
Go get my pen!
Mr. Mackey
[over the PA system] Attention, students. Kyle Broflovski report to the Principal's office please?
Cartman
[laughs] PC Principal wants to see you, Kyle!
Mr. Mackey
Kyle Broflovski to the Principal's office please, m'kay?
Kyle
Goddammit! [leaves his seat]
Cartman
Have fun, dude.
The Principal's office. Kyle arrives and sighs heavily before going in. At the desk, Mr. Mackey is looking through some drawers, but PC Principal isn't there.
Mr. Mackey
[looks up surprised] Oh, Kyle. [sits down on the chair and looks fearful] Uhh, uhh, thank you for coming.
Kyle
Where's PC Principal?
Mr. Mackey
I think he's finally lost it, Kyle. He and his PC buddies are on a hunger strike and, they're calling for people's resignations. Kyle, PC Principal had problems with Jimmy and with Leslie. And now they're missing. M'kay? Nobody knows where they are. That's what happens. You go against PC, and you just end up missing. M'kay?
Kyle
What are you talking about?
Mr. Mackey
PC Principal had issues with them. M'kay? And he had issues with you, Kyle. Whatever's goin' on, it's pretty damn scary.
Montage. First, programming code appears onscreen, then Jimmy
Jimmy
For years, mankind has tried to rid the world of ads. For our ancestors, ads couldn't be avoided. But everyone knew what was an ad, and what wasn't. After many years, mankind invented cable. A way to p-pay for television so there would be no ads. But somehow, the ads still found a way. And so mankind invented TiVo. A way to skip past commercials. Finally, it appeared to be the end of ads. And everywhere, people rejoiced. The ads were stopped. Or so it seemed. With the rise of the Internet, suddenly the ads got an en- tirely new way to attack us. Popups. The top scientific minds were brought together to find a way to stop the ads, once and for all. They invented the ad blocker. Suddenly there were no ads on phones, on computers. And everywhere, people rejoiced. The ads adapted. They became s-smarter. They disguised themselves as news. All around the world people read news stories completely unaware that they were reading ads . And now, the ads have taken the next step in their evolution. They have taken human form. Ads are among us. They could be your friend, your g-gardener. The ads are trying to wipe us out. But the question is... how?
The Marsh house, dinner. All the family is there.
Randy
So, um, ahem, South Park kind of sucks now. You guys wanna bail? [everyone else but Grandpa are stunned at this and stop eating.]
Sharon
What?
Shelly
What are you talking about?
Randy
It's just, you know, it used to be nice and laid-back here, but now it's all [puts his palms forward] Uuuuhhh, you know? Like like now everybody's all Uuhh-uuhhh. Let's bail. You wanna bail, Stan?
Stan
No, I don't. [Randy lowers his head and looks at his food,]
The master bedroom, after dinner. Randy is pacing back and forth across the room while Sharon stands with her arms crossed looking at him
Sharon
What's going on, Randy?
Randy
Nothing! I just... You know, we don't have to live here, we can live anywhere.
Sharon
Last month, all you could talk about was how great this town had become. What changed your mind?
Randy
[stops and looks away] ...We can't afford it. [Sharon's jaw drops]
Sharon
We can't afford it?
Randy
All these fancy new restaurants and shops and [sits on the edge of the bed] everyone wants to live here! A bowl of City beef costs ten bucks now, for Christ's sake. And there's nowhere to shop but stupid Whole Foods!
Sharon
[crosses her arms] Well, we'll just have to stop going to those places.
Randy
I had to take out a second mortgage on the house.
Sharon
You [uncrosses her arms] what?
Randy
[gets up, runs to her, and holds her shoulders] I had to, Sharon! It isn't my fault! It's the Man. Don't you see? The Man... is pricing us out of our own town.
The newsmen's headquarters. Leslie is in the interrogation room, while Jimmy looks in from the meeting room.
Jimmy
[faces the newsmen] It's just my luck. I talk to a nice girl, seem to hit it off, and she turns out to just be an ad.
Tom
Well, that's what an ad does. She was designed to entice, and manipulate.
Jimmy
This is such a fantastic story for the school newspaper. Why don't we just run it so that everyone knows the truth?
Tom
Jimmy, we're newsmen, like you. For decades we used our soft buttery voices to inform the people about what's happening. Then we watched as our entire industry was taken over by the ads. [the newsman to his right lowers his head and looks at the table] Some of our colleagues were manipulated into doing the ads' bidding. The man who came to your house with a gun was one of them. Our own Kevin Jarvis has more.
Kevin
Thanks, Tom. Jimmy, the man who tried to kill you was Brian Boint, of WXNR, Fort Collins. When he saw there was no money in news anymore he sided with the ads, even though he knew it meant the destruction of our species. Back to you, Tom.
Tom
Thanks, Kevin. The only hope for the truth to get out there, Jimmy, is for you to see through this ad's deception and to find out what they're planning. Your Super School News was a threat to them. But unless you get this little bitch to talk, we may never know why.
South Park Elementary, hallway, day. Kenny and Stan walk into view, spot Kyle, and walk over to him. Stan is carrying a copy of the school newspaper
Stan
Dude, Kyle. Will you look at this? [shows him the paper, which has a report on PC Principal sending Jimmy and Leslie on a Disney Cruise]
Kyle
"Principal Sends Two Favorite Students On A Disney Cruise. This week, students Jimmy Valmer and Leslie Meyers are being treated to an all-expenses-paid vacation for their outstanding school-" what the hell is this?
Stan
It doesn't make any sense, dude. PC Principal is using the school paper to cover something up.
Kyle
Yeah I... Ah I don't wanna get involved.
Stan
You don't wanna get involved? Dude, what's wrong with you?
Kyle
I've already learned you can't win against PC Principal. You should know of all people since he converted your dad.
Stan
What's that supposed to mean?
Butters
[runs up with Cartman] Fellas! We found out what happened to Jimmy! He got to go on a vacation for being an exemplary student.
Stan
That is not what happened! Something is very wrong here! We all have to stand up to PC Principal together!
Cartman
Yeah, and wasn't Jimmy the one in charge of the school newspaper? So who's putting this out?
The school newsroom. Nathan is at the computer typing random letters on the keyboard.
Nathan
I like the school paper. I like to type with my hands. [the camera then shows Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters in the room watching Nathan.]
Kyle
Who told you that the principal sent Jimmy on a Disney Cruise?
Nathan
Uhhh. Uhhh. Uhhh, I don't remember.
Stan
You have quotes in here from Jimmy. Did you talk to him?
Nathan
Uhhh. Uhhh, I like the school paper.
Stan
[the boys look at each other] Come on, we'll get to the bottom of this. [they head out]
Nathan
[some seconds later] Did I do good, computer? [touches the screen] I think the sponsored content fooled them. I hope I made you happy. Can you see me, computer? Do you know what I'm thinking right now? [a porn popup windows appears] Ahh, thanks, computer.
The edge of town. Caitlyn, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Garrison have arrived and park on the side of the road to look at the town.
Principal Victoria
We have to make sure nobody recognizes us. There's no telling who works for who. Here, Caitlyn, I got you this fake mustache to put on.
Caitlyn
I'm not putting on a mustache, I'll look silly.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, that, that's where you draw the line, huh Caitlyn?
Caitlyn
Don't be an asshole.
Mr. Garrison
No, you're right, that's nuts! A woman wearing a mustache, that's just ridiculous, huh Cait?
Caitlyn
Alright alright, I'll put it on, fuck.
Mr. Garrison
No no, please, Cait, don't put on a fake mustache, that's c-razy. [Caitlyn puts it on] You don't want people thinking you're a weirdo, I mean, Jeez.
Caitlyn
[taps him gently like a kitten] You-hur such an asshole.
ShiTpaTown, day. A shopper leaves Whole Foods with two bags of groceries and is promptly run over by Caitlyn. Nobody bats an eye. Garrison and Victoria step out, followed by Caitlyn
Mr. Garrison
What the hell is this? What have they done to my town?
Principal Victoria
Keep your voice down.
Mr. Garrison
Since when do we have a flippin' Whole Foods?! [they walk towards it]
Principal Victoria
Everything's changed.
Survey worker
[stops the three of them] Hi there, you got a minute for gay rights?
Mr. Garrison
Gay rights? Jeez, you've already got all those. What the hell do you wanna do now? [the three walk on in]
Whole Foods. The clerk at checkout 5 is finished with Mr. Stotch's purchases
Clerk
All right, your total is a hundred twenty six thirty nine, and would you like to give a dollar to help hungry children get iPads to protect your Internet safe space today?
Stephen
I will.
Mr. Garrison
What the Sam Hell is goin' on!
The interrogation room. Jimmy and Leslie face off again.
Leslie
Why would anyone think that I'm on the principal's side? I hate the principal. I think he's a dick.
Jimmy
So you don't know anything about the principal that might be newsworthy? Super School News worthy?
Leslie
Just that he hated me and called me a blabbermouth. I don't think I'm a blabbermouth. I just like talking to people.
Jimmy
[clears his throat] Leslie, what kind of... plans do you have? Do you have any... plans?
Leslie
What kind of plans?
Jimmy
Just, you know, plans. Like what are you hoping tooo... accomplish? [the newsmen watch from the meeting room]
Leslie
I don't know. What are your plans?
Jimmy
Well, I want to pursue careers in both news reporting and comedy.
Leslie
Really? That's... different.
Jimmy
Yeah, you're pretty different yourself, Leslie.
Leslie
How so?
The meeting room. Barbrady is still bearing witness while Jimmy sits at the table with the newsmen
Jimmy
I'm starting to think that maybe all ads aren't so bad.
Tom
Jimmy, you're thinking with your dick.
Jimmy
I am not thinking with my dick.
Tom
Yes you are.
Jimmy
No, I just think that she's a-
Tom
Put your dick away.
Jimmy
She's ag- emotional
Tom
Jim.
Jimmy
Interesting, caring girl.
Tom
Jimmy, that's your dick talking. [Jimmy stays quiet] Believe me, I know how you feel. Ads promise us things. Ads are perfect. But make no mistake: [speaks slowly] all ads lie. And all ads deceive.
Kyle's room, afternoon. Kyle is at his computer browsing the Web and looking at Twitter and Instagram.
Kyle
There. Leslie's Instagram and her Twitter. Last entry was ten days ago.
Butters
What about Jimmy's?
Kyle
Jimmy never used that stuff, remember? He said he hated using the Internet.
Cartman
How do you hate the Internet? That's like hating titties.
Butters
What are you doing now?
Kyle
I'm just looking for any news articles or anything about PC Principal. [his computer is recording the conversation] Where did you say PC Principal was from?
Stan
I think it was Vermont.
Kyle
Maybe there's something from the news in Vermont that could give us a clue about- [an ad for a Vermont vacation pops up] Goddammit what the hell is this?
Stan
That's an ad for skiing in Vermont.
Butters
Wow that looks fun! [Kyle closes the popup and tries again. A couple of windows later, he gets a news article]
Kyle
Dude. Dude, look at this. "How PC Culture is changing Vermont from a state of intolerance to a s-" [a popup ad for a guitar appears] Dude there it is again!
Kenny
What?
Kyle
It's that goddamned guitar! This ad is fucking following me!
Stan
Just click out of it.
Kyle
I'm trying! Goddammit get over here!
Stan
That's a pretty sweet-looking guitar.
Kyle
[looks at Stan] It is pretty cool dude, it tunes itself.
Cartman
How does it do that?
Kyle
It's this company that does all kinds of hi-tech instruments. See look, I'll show you.
Stan
Oh that's sweet. Send me the link to that so I can- [a popup ad for Victor Frankenstein appears] Oh dude that new Frankenstein movie is out. I totally wanna see that.
Cartman
That movie's gonna suck dude.
Stan
Hit the arrow, I wanna see where it's playing.
Kyle
[click] OH. Sorry, wrong arrow button. [a popup ad for Fun Cream ice cream appears]
Butters
Wow, what kind of ice cream is that?
At an ice cream parlor, later on. They're in a booth laughing at something
Butters
So Clyde said to Token, "Why don't you open a bank account with your mouth so I can deposit my dick in it?" [the boys laugh]
Kyle
So then what'd Token say?
Butters
Well Token was all like-
Stan
Wait wait wait wait wait whoa, whoa. What the hell are we doing?
Cartman
Eating ice cream, dipshit.
Stan
But what about Jimmy? We were all like totally trying to find out what happened to him.
Kyle
Whoa, what the hell just happened?
Butters
We got distracted. We've gotta get back to that computer! [The boys split for the computer without their ice cream, except to Cartman, who takes his... and a couple of seconds later, Kenny's]
Skeeter's Wine Bar, day. Skeeter is serving up drinks
Skeeter
Now this here is a dry Riesling. You're gonna experience vanilla after-tones and a nutty finish.
Rancher
You mean like someone put their balls in the glass?
Skeeter
No, like chestnuts, dammit!
Rancher
I just can't keep up with this town no more. Everything's gettin' all nice and fancy. I swear I'm gonna need to get a second mortgage on the ranch just to pay muh daily expenses.
Randy
Don't you get it? That's just what they want. Nobody cares about the people who lived here before. They want us to move, 'cause they wanna knock our houses down and build more lofts and villas!
Skeeter
Alright Randy, you should probably lay off the old vine Châteauneuf-du-Pape.
Randy
[now by Stuart's table] You'll all see! Pretty soon everyone who used to live here is gonna have to move. And we'll be shopping at Safeway again. [sets his glass down on the table and walks out the door]
The sidewalk in front of Skeeter's. Randy walks down the street thinking to himself...
Randy (singing)
Where has my town gone? Where has- [a leg kicks him across the face]
Randy
Oooff!
Caitlyn
You like apples? [punches him in the belly, causing him to groan] How d'you like them apples? [hauls him into the alley]
Randy
Hey, it's Caitlyn Jenner! [Caitlyn slams Randy against a wall face first]
Garrison
Check his ass!
Randy
Principal Victoria? [Caitlyn pulls down Randy's pants and briefs to reveal the PC branding]
Victoria
He's one of them.
Randy
One of what?
Garrison
Caitlyn. [Caitlyn punches Randy hard in the ribs. He groans and collapses onto the ground.]
The meeting room. Jimmy and Leslie face off yet again.
Jimmy
Okay Leslie, let's try a different approach. Let's say you wanted tooo... destroy the entire species. How would you go about it?
Leslie
Why would I want to destroy an entire species? You have the wrong idea about me, Jimmy. The person trying to change things and make things terrible is the new principal.
Jimmy
And what is the new principal trying to do, Leslie?
Leslie
He's trying to make sure that people like you and me aren't allowed to exist. I know that you're trying to help. I know that the newsmen in there are trying to help too. [Kevin glances back at Tom] But now I'm going to tell you something very important, Jimmy. [the newsmen lean in towards the monitors. A popup car ad appears, and they can't see or hear what Leslie is saying.]
The meeting room
The Chevy Ad
[a driver walks up to his truck and plays with his dog] Like a rock. I drive a Chevy, I'm a cowboy, and I drive it like a rock.
Tom
What the hell is that?
Kevin
Tom, it looks like a popup ad.
Tom
How did an ad get in here? Let's go to David at the network hub.
David
No answers here, Tom. We're trying to correct the problem.
The interrogation room. The room is now bathed in red light, a sign that the room is secure and no one can see or hear what's going on inside from outside
Leslie
You have to get me out of here, Jimmy. They're going to kill me.
Jimmy
What?
Leslie
Listen to me carefully and don't look at the glass. I feel something for you I have never felt before. I think it's trust. The men in there are sick with hatred and as soon as they realize I have no information they are going to burn me. I've seen them do it to others. Please, you have to help me, Jimmy. Don't let them hurt me. Please don't abandon me. When the lights go back on just look at me and smile.
The meeting room
Tom
David, any word on the popup ad situation?
David
Tom, we've just about got it fixed. It should be ready now. [the newsmen turn to look at the monitors, and Leslie is down]
Leslie
And that's really it, Jimmy. I want to help all of you however I can. [he looks at her, and smiles a second later]
Foot Vault, a shoe store. The boys are getting fitted for new shoes and enjoying themselves. They had gone to McDonald's and ordered chicken McNugget's and sodas, which they are now consuming in the shoe store
Cartman
And then Token tells Clyde that if his mouth was a bank, Clyde's mom would have already deposited her dick in it. Which is hilarious because Clyde's mom is dead. [the boys burst out laughing again]
Stan
Wait wait wait wait whoa whoa. What the hell are we doing?
Butters
We're tryin' on shoes and eatin' chicken nuggets, stupid. What do you think?
Stan
No. That's not what we set out to do.
Kyle
We were... We were on Cartman's computer looking up news stories about PC Principal.
Cartman
Didn't we finish doing that?
Stan
No, we didn't.
Kyle
It's like... someone's trying to... distract us. [looks suspiciously at Stan] Because they're worried what we'll uncover about PC people.
Stan
Yeah, like one of us is purposefully trying to keep us from digging too deep because they're afraid.
Kyle
Why are you looking at me?
Stan
Why are you looking at me?
Cartman
Why isn't anyone looking at me?
Park Motel, day. Caitlyn's car is parked over two people in front of Room 10. Caitlyn closes the blinds. Mr. Garrison splashes some water onto Randy
Randy
Hey, fuck you.
Garrison
Wake up, dickhead!
Randy
[opens his eyes] Garrison? The hell is wrong with you?!
Garrison
I'll tell you what's wrong with me! There's enemies to humanity out there wantin' to put an end to all of us, and there's assholes like you helpin' them out!
Randy
I don't know what you're talking about.
Victoria
Whose idea was it to revitalize the shitty part of town into an arts and foods district called ShiTpaTown?
Randy
Garrison
Son of a bitch!
Randy
What? To take one area of town that was rappy and gentrify it for the local people to enjoy? I thought we could keep it contained.
Victoria
It doesn't contain. What's happened to South Park is happening everywhere. [brings out a photo book and flips through some pictures] Thirty miles south of here in the town of Fairplay, they've changed the area north od Downtown into NoDoFoPa. A rundown area south of the capital in Cheyenne, Wyoming, is now historic SoCaCheyWo. Channel Street in mid-Chicago is being revitalized into Chimichanga.
Randy
Oh my God.
Victoria
LoDo, SoBro, RivMo, all happening at the same time. And it isn't just in the U.S. In Cairo, the area northwest of the third pyramid is NoWe3Pi. Three miles north of Auschwitz is NoMoAuchie. It goes on and on!
Randy
What does it mean?
Garrison
In our town it all started when PC Principal arrived. He's part of a mjuch larger conspiracy, and you're his lackey.
Randy
Not me. If PC Principal has been using us, I'll take the bastard down myself.
The PC Delta house, day. A reporter files this report
Reporter
It's day two of the hunger strike started by the college-aged fraternity brothers who are demanding that all of South Park's community leaders step down. The PC frat brothers say they've gone now two days without eating any pussy, and will continue to do so until people resign.
Tom
Who is that reporter? Do we... know him?
Kevin
Tom, that's Bill Keegan, WCFO.
Tom
Thanks, Brian. [Jimmy sneaks past the newsmen in the background] He's working for the ads, obviously. Sellout douche-bag.
Newsman
That's right, Tom. He was always a douche-bag at the conventions.
Tom
Thanks, Rick. Stay dry.
The interrogation room door opens. Leslie looks up. Jimmy peeks in
Jimmy
Leslie, come on.
Leslie
Jimmy. You're gonna help me?
Jimmy
Yeah I'm gonna help you. I mean, come on.
The meeting room. Jimmy and Leslie make it to the entrance, but the sound of his crutches draw the newsmen's attention
Tom
Jimmy! [Jimmy and Leslie turn around]
Newsman 2
Oh Jesus, he let her out.
Jimmy
PC Principal is our enemy, not her.
Tom
His dick is compromised. [spreads his arms out to protect the newsmen] Stay back! [the newsmen and Barbrady step back a few feet]
Jimmy
It is not my dick. I am thinking rationally and with logic. I am taking her out of here!
Tom
Well then, [pulls a gun out of his inside coat pocket and aims it at Jimmy] I'm sorry I'm going to have to do this, Jimmy. [walks over to Barbrady and gives him the gun] Officer Barbrady, we need you to shoot these kids.
Barbrady
What?
Tom
The ad has got to him. [puts Barbrady into a shooting stance] There's no time to argue.
Barbrady
I'm not shooting any more kids.
Tom
Do you want to save your town?!
Jimmy
Officer Barbrady, we have to stop PC Principal before it's too late.
Tom
Barbrady, shoot them in their heads!
Barbrady
No! I'm not shooting any more people! Not for you, not for nobody!
Tom
You're making the worst mistake of your life, officer.
Barbrady
Maybe so. All I know is I'm done shooting people! [his gun goes off and grazes Kevin on his left shoulder, causing it to bleed]
Kevin
Augh!
Barbrady
Oh sorry. Jeez. [Jimmy and Leslie exit first, then Barbrady follows and closes the door]
Tom
Dammit!
The school cafeteria, lunchtime
Stan
Think about it, you guys. From the moment that PC Principal took over Kyle has been different. Haven't you noticed?
Butters
Yeah.
Stan
He's distracting us, either because he's too afraid or because he- [Kyle arrives with his lunch and sits next to him. Butters is stunned that Kyle showed up]
Kyle
Well what are you guys talking about?
Butters
Nothin'.
Cartman
Stan's calling you a traitor.
Kyle
What?!
Stan
Kyle, I think it's pretty obvious you don't want us investigating PC Principal.
Kyle
And why do you think that, Stan?!
Stan
I don't know.
Kyle
Because if anyone has a reason for us not mess with PC Principal, it's you! Let's not forget that Stan's dad is PC Principal's little bitch!
Butters
Wuh huh, that's a good point.
Cartman
I am loving this right now.
Stan
My dad's stupid, not a bitch! This is about you being scared, Kyle!
Kyle
It is you, isn't it?! That's why you're trying to shift the blame on me. That's very Cartman of you, Stan!
Cartman
Hoh that's low. [smiles]
Stan
Don't you dare call me a Cartman!
Kyle
N-ho, that's good! Just keep on distracting everybody! It seems to be working, Cartman!
Stan
Fuck you, Kyle! [delivers a left hook and Kyle falls off the lunch bench]
Cartman
Fight! [the kids gather round to watch. Half of them are cheering them on, the other half stay quiet. Nathan stops by to see what's going on.]
The PC Delta house, night. A lone jogger runs by it, only to be mowed down by Caitlyn and her passengers, who all get out of the car and walk towards the house
Garrison
Time to take this asshole down!
Randy
[gets in front of the group] Whoa whoa whoa, guys, whoa! We can't just go walking in there.
Garrison
Why not?
Randy
This is a safe space. We're not allowed past this. When you breach a college safe space, you're crossing the most sacred human boundary there is.
Caitlyn
J'hoh, give me a break.
Randy
Nonononono, look, this is very real, and very important in PC culture. Every human has a right to a safe space and it cannot be entered.
Garrison
[determined] I can. Watch. [lifts up the PC tape and walks under and on to the house]
Randy
Wow, how did you-? [Principal Victoria and Caitlyn Jenner do the same] Whoa.
The school newsroom, day. Nathan is at the computer typing away very slowly. The camera moves enough to reveal Jimmy and Leslie at the door
Jimmy
Burning the midnight oil, huh Nathan?
Nathan
Jimmy.
Jimmy
You sonofabitch. What have you done to the Super School News?
Nathan
I was just holding down the fort while you were away, Jim.
Jimmy
Writing headlines sponsored by PC Principal and the ads? How much did they pay you?!
Nathan
Please, Jimmy, I'm just trying to survive here.
Jimmy
Everyone's gonna know the truth, Nathan. We're getting a new edition of the school paper out by morning. Everyone's gonna know all about the ads. [Leslie punches him and he goes flying into a bookcase. She walks over and punches him five more times, then turns around and walks off to close the door. She returns and throws him up in the air. He hits the ceiling and falls to the floor. Leslie walks past Nathan, who laughs at Jimmy's misfortune]
Leslie
Deal with him. [gets on the computer and starts searching]
Jimmy
Leslie... I thought we were b-b-b-besties.
Nathan
Hey there, big man. Editor of the school paper, huh? You still don't even know half the story.
PC Delta, later. Caitlyn is moving around like a detective through the lobby
Caitlyn
It's clear.
Garrison
Where is everybody? I thought the news said they're on a hunger strike.
Randy
It doesn't make sense. Someone's always here.
Victoria
Take a look at this! [the other three adults walk over to see what she's seeing - the same State Farm ad of PC Principal and Leslie as before]
Garrison
What the hell?
Victoria
It looks like he was researching this. You see this news story?
Garrison
If this is true, then... PC Principal's trying to help.
Randy
Click on that. What is that?
Garrison
No, click out of that. What is this?
Foot Vault. Caitlyn, Randy, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Garrison are trying on new shoes, like Stan and friends did before, and enjoying themselves
Garrison
So, so then, so then Caitlyn says "Look bitch, you're married to Bill Clinton. If anyone should be afraid of AIDS, it's you."
Caitlyn
That stupid bitch had it coming. [they all laugh]
Garrison
Oh God, I love you, Cait. We're so gong to win the primaries. [they all laugh]
Randy
Whoa, whoawhoawhoa wait wait wait. What, what were we doing again?
Kyle's house, evening. The doorbell rings and Kyle goes to answer it. Leslie is outside, shivering
Kyle
Leslie.
Leslie
You're trying to find out what's going on, right? But your friend is standing in your way?
Kyle
How do you know thi-?
Leslie
I can show you what's going on, Kyle. But you have to trust me. [holds out her hand] What's the last four digits of your Sosh?
Kyle
2692 [They shake hands, and he leaves the house with her]
End of Truth and Advertising
  1909: "Truth And Advertising" edit
Story Elements

NewsmenLeslie Meyers

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Video

Release

South Park: The Complete Nineteenth Season