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Tom's Rhinoplasty/Script

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The official script for "Tom's Rhinoplasty" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Tom's Rhinoplasty
South Park Elementary, the classroom.
Wendy
Stan, you know it's almost Valentine's Day.
Stan
I know.
Wendy
Maybe we should go on a cruise or something.
Some sentimental music plays.
Stan
I can't afford a cruise, dude.
Wendy
I know, but...we can make a little boat out of cardboard and pretend it's a cruise.
Cartman roars with hysterical laughter.
Stan
Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman
[still laughing] That is so-ho lame!
He settles down and wipes away some tears of joy.
Cartman
Oh man, I...
Wendy
-and then we can dress up in little costumes and pretend we're getting married.
Cartman is roaring with laughter once again and falls off his chair.
Cartman
Stop, seriously; you're killing me all the time.
Principal Victoria
[Rushing in.] Children, I have some difficult news for you. Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while. He has to have surgery.
The class erupts in cheers.
Principal Victoria
So you're going to have a substitute teacher.
The class sighs.
Principal Victoria
And I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison.
Kyle raises his hand.
Principal Victoria
Yes, little boy?
Kyle
We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison.
Principal Victoria
...Oh. Anywho, I want you all to meet your new substitute, Ms. Ellen.
She enters and stands before the class.
Ms. Ellen
[Brightly.] Hello, children.
The boys perk up.
Stan, Kyle
Whoa!
Cartman
[Slowly.] Wow, she's pretty.
Kenny
(Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)
Stan
You can say that again.
Kenny
(Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)
Principal Victoria
Good luck, Ms. Ellen. If they get out of control, just use this tear gas, okay.
Principal Victoria places it next to the apple.
Ms. Ellen
Thank you! I'm sure I'll be fine.
The boys get dreamy and smile big, even Kenny.
Ms. Ellen
Now, children, I know that you must be very upset about your teacher having surgery,
The boys are in love.
Ms. Ellen
...but I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us.
Wendy starts to notice.
Wendy
[Gasps.] Stan? Stan?!
Ms. Ellen
Now, let me try and learn your names by your seating assignments. You arrre Eric...Cartman?
Cartman
[Brightly.] Yes, ma'am.
Ms. Ellen
Okay aaand you must be Stan Marsh.
Stan
Yeu-bluuuch.
Wendy is taken aback. Stan has barfed only for her before.
Ms. Ellen
[A moment later.] Do you need to go to the nurse's office, Stanley?
Cartman
Noh, he always pukes when he's in love.
Stan
I'll kick your ass, Cartman!
Wendy is sad.
Ms. Ellen
So you're alright?
Stan
Bluuuch.
Wendy looks forward, wondering why...
Kyle
Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?!
Tom's Rhinoplasty
Mr. Garrison
Oh, I have to admit I'm still embarrassed about getting a nose job, Tom. I didn't want people at school to know, so I told them I had herpes.
Tom
You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr. Garrison. People have cosmetic surgery all the time. Before we start, this computer can help you pick what kind of nose you want.
Tom touches the screen, and Mr. Garrison's face pops up, then a side view emerges.
Mr. Garrison
Wow! Isn't that amazing Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat
It sure is, Mr. Garrison!
Tom
Now, we could go with something a little smaller, which would make you look like this.
The nose on his image is shrunk.
Mr. Garrison
Hmmm.
Tom
Or we could straighten out the bridge, which would make you look like this.
The nose is straightened.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, that's not bad.
Tom
Of course, we could narrow the bridge, which would make you look more like this.
The nose is narrowed, at which point an image of David Hasselhoff appears. A flourish is added for effect.
Mr. Garrison
WOW! That's it! That's the nose I want!
Tom
Alright-y then.
Tom resets the program. The computer turns itself off.
Tom
Now I must warn you, Mr. Garrison, that there are risks. You could wind up a hideous, foul shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly ugly that you're forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at nighttime for scraps of food.
Mr. Garrison
I can live with that.
Tom
[Excitedly.] Alrighty then, let's get started!
They go off to the operating room.
The school playground. The kids are at play. The boys stand before the jungle gym.
Cartman
She wasn't looking at you, butt-lord, she was looking at me!
Kyle
Well that goes without saying, fat-ass, how could she help but look at you!
Stan
You guy can stop fighting. It was me she was checking out!
Cartman
Until you puked on her.
Chef
[Approaching.] Hello there, children! What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?
Kyle
Ms. Ellen, dude! She's beautiful!
Wendy looks at him from the swings, then looks down.
Chef
Is she like uh - Vanessa Williams beautiful or-uh Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? ...Or - is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful?
Stan
Yeah, that one!
Chef
Wooof! I've got to meet this woman.
Wendy
[Approaching.] Stan, didn't you notice how her left arm is longer than the right one?
Stan
No.
Wendy
Well it is!
Chef
That's okay. You know what they say about women with one arm longer than the other...
Kenny
(Yeah, they totally kick ass at spanking!)
Chef
Thaat's right!
Wendy
Well, did you notice that mole on the back of her neck with the hair growing out of it?
Chef
That's okay. you know what they say about women with the mole on the back of their necks with hair growing out of it...
Kenny looks up at Chef and simply shrugs.
Wendy
[Panicking a little.] Stan? We're still Valentines, right?
Stan
Sure, Wendy, whatever.
Kyle
Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's Day presents
He turns right and starts walking away.
Stan
Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight!
Stan follows him out.
Cartman
I'm gonna buy a vacuum cleaner, chicks like vacuum cleaners
Cartman's voice trails off as he follows his friends away. Chef leaves as well, Wendy takes a step to go with them, but stops and ponders her relationship with Stan. A tear wells up in her eye, then falls as she sniffs.
Female singer

I remember when we were still in love
The moments that we shared were timeless.
Saw it in the wind, knew it in a glance,
the songs we sang were simple reminders.

(Montage)
[Moments from Wendy's time with Stan, Part I (he throws up every time)]
  • Stark's Pond: she comes up behind him and says, "Hi, Stan"
  • Stark's Pond: she asks him to come with her (to get Cartman)
  • Cafeteria: she hands him a note (an invitation to Stark's Pond)
  • Cemetery: amid a field of dead zombies, she puckers up
  • Classroom: she hands him a daisy (he throws up with every step she takes)
Female singer

I can't stop now
[Wendy is sobbing somewhat]
My heart's awake
I feel your arms
My arms to take
I must have changed...

(Montage)
[Moments from Wendy's time with Stan, Part II (he throws up every time)]
  • A vivid sunset: she snuggles up to him on the limb of a tree
  • Football practice: she cheers him on, he throws up, she looks away for an instant, and Cartman tackles him. Where's his helmet?
  • Cafeteria: he throws up as she approaches; she slips in it and falls flat on her back
  • Playground: Stan and Kyle are working those hobby elephants furiously when Wendy and Bebe approach (he threw up on her three times)
  • Woods: Stan and Wendy pucker up to kiss (after they got Ike back)
Female singer

...Even when love is the same.
[Wendy sheds another tear, then turns left and walks away]

Classroom. Ms. Ellen is writing away on the blackboard. The boys are smiling broadly. The camera zooms in on the reason why. Ms. Ellen stops writing, but the boys are still smiling.
Ms. Ellen
Oohhh, goodness. Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class?
Cartman
[Eagerly.] Memememememe, me!
Bebe
You guys are so immature! Act like eight-year olds!
Ms. Ellen
Stan, how about you?
Stan
Bluuch! I'd love to.
Wendy turns angry.
Ms. Ellen
Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables.
Cartman raises his hand.
Ms. Ellen
Cartman?
Cartman
What's a multiplication table?
Ms. Ellen
Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication?
The class stares back. Kevin slowly shakes his head.
Ms. Ellen
Well, where did he leave off?
Cartman
We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth is going out with that...Richard Grieco guy that used to be on 21 Jump Street but then he got his own show for just a little while-
The door opens and Chef appears. The class looks at him.
Chef
Oh, hello.
Ms. Ellen
Can I help you?
Chef
[Eyebrows aflutter.] I'm Chef.
Ms. Ellen
Aand?
Chef
I just uuuh - I stopped by 'cause little Kyle forgot his laundry detergent on the playground.
Kyle
My laundry detergent?
Stan
That's not Kyle's...
Chef
Sshh. Crazy cracker's always leavin' that detergent all over the place.
Drops off a box of "Whitey's Washing Detergent" on Kyle's desk, then walks over to Ms. Ellen.
Chef
What was your name again?
Cartman
Uh-oh. Chef's moving in on Ms. Ellen.
Ms. Ellen
I'mm the substitute.
Chef
Well, I'm sure there's no substitute for you.
Ms. Ellen
That's very nice, Mr. Chef, now, if you're...finished-
Chef (falsetto)

[Music starts and he starts to sway]
Nobody could take your place
No way they could match your face, no
You've got it going on in a way so clear,
I just want to buy you a beer...
Uh maybe tonight, at 7:30 or something I could uh - come by and uh -
Pick you up in my caa-a-aaaa-aa-aa-aa-aaar (No substitute)
No substitute for you (No substitute)
No, baby, there's (No substitute)
For you girl (No substitute) for you now
You know that it's true (No substitute)
There's just, no substitute for
You!

Stan
We've got to learn how to do that, dude!
Kyle
Yup!
Ms. Ellen
That was enthralling, Mr. Chef, but...could I get back to teaching now?
Chef
If we can have dinner tonight.
Ms. Ellen
Fine, Chef. [He grins.] Just let me do my job before I get fired.
Cartman
Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Ms. Ellen!
Ms. Ellen
Wwhat?!
Tom's Rhinoplasty. Mr. Garrison comes to, but his head is still in bandages.
Tom
Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
Where-eh, where am I?
Tom
The operation is over, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
Uuf, I feel weak. How do I look?
Tom
You look great!
Mr. Garrison
Ah-I feel kinda nauseous.
Tom
Yes? Well, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage...
Mr. Garrison
Aauugh-huh.
Tom
...all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart.
Starts making sound effects of tearing flesh.
Mr. Garrison
UUUUUuuuuuugh
Tom
By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
Mr. Garrison pops up and turns to the side of the bed.
Mr. Garrison
Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!
Tom
I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest.
Mr. Garrison lies down.
Tom
I'll check on you a little later.
Tom walks out.
Mr. Garrison
Wuch, uch. Boy I had to see the entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamned father!
Classroom. The school bell has rung and the kids are leaving
Ms. Ellen
Okay, kids, remember your homework. We have a lot of catching-up to do.
Cartman
[Enunciating.] Good-bye, Ms. Ellen.
Kyle
[Looks back.] Stop kissing ass, Cartman!
Cartman
I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut!
The students all exit, except Wendy.
Wendy
Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen
Of course, Wendy.
Wendy sits next to the teacher's desk.
Wendy
I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.
Ms. Ellen
Ohhh. Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...
Wendy
Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
Ms. Ellen
Of course, Wendy.
They reach out towards each other. Wendy angrily flips her off.
Wendy
Don't fuck with me!
Ms. Ellen
[Stunned.] Wha?
Wendy
You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whup your sorry little ass back to last year!
Ms. Ellen is shocked. Wendy drops from the chair and leaves.
'[Sweetly.] Bye, Ms. Ellen.
Day two, the classroom.
Ms. Ellen
Well, I certainly want to thank all you lovely children for the presents you got me.
A pile of gifts sits on the teacher's desk. Smiles flash onto the boys' faces. She opens the first gift.
Ms. Ellen
Ohhh. What a delightful scarf. Thank you, Kyle.
He's dancing blissfully in his sea.
Stan
[Feigning clearing his throat.] Pf-looser gift, pf-looser gift.
Ms. Ellen
And here's one from Kenny. [She opens it.] Oh, thank you very much, Kenny, this is a very scrumptious-looking sausage.
He laughs, sure that she got the hint.
Ms. Ellen
Oh, and what a nice alarm clock. Thank you, Stan.
Stan
Bluuch.
Losing patience, Wendy thumps her desk and glares at him.
Ms. Ellen
And here's another present...from Wendy. [She opens it.] Oh. Why, it's a dead animal.
Holds it up for all to see.
Thank you, Wendy.
Dialog
Wendy is now irate that Ms. Ellen didn't fold.
Stan
See? She liked my present the best!
Kyle
Where's your present, Cartman?
Cartman
Oh, well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate pie, but uuuuh-I left it at home.
The left corner of his mouth tells a different story.
Ms. Ellen
Okay, kids. We're gonna take a spelling test now. [All gasp.] But as an extra incentive I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest score on the quiz out to dinner.
The boys except Cartman perk up.
Cartman
Oh, man, I wish I knew how to spell.
Ms. Ellen
Are there any questions before we begin?
Wendy raises her hand.
Ms. Ellen
Yes, Wendy?
Wendy
When someone gets as old as you,
Cartman takes a bite out of the chocolate pie.
Wendy
Do they have to wear Depends undergarments?
Ms. Ellen looks dismayed. Wendy just looks back.
The Cafeteria. The boys are in line for lunch
Kyle
Dude! I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!
Stan
No you're not! I don't think I missed any!
Wendy approaches with Bebe, both carrying their lunches.
Wendy
Hi, Stan.
Stan
I bet I scored 100!
Wendy
HI, STAN!
Stan
Oh, hi, Wendy.
Wendy
I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen.
Kyle
No, she wasn't!
Wendy
Yes, she was!
Stan
That's impossible!
Wendy
Well, she did! And she has horrible, horrible gas, too! She says she can't control it!
Cartman
Nuh-uh!
Wendy
It smells like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!
Kyle
Oh cool.
Cartman
Hey Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing!
Kyle
Yeah. You're acting like a freak, Wendy.
Wendy
NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREEEAK!!!
She realizes she has made a spectacle of herself as her voice echoes all over the room. Everyone in the cafetera looks at her. She moves away, humbled. Bebe follows.
Cartman
Damn, man, someone's got to pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass.
They go in to get their lunches.
Chef
[Somberly.] Hello there, children.
Cartman
Oh, hi, Chef.
Kyle
How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?
Chef
Not too good.
Stan
What happened? Didn't you make sweet love to her?
Chef
No, nono, she's not like that. You see... uh, how do I put this? Children,... Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team.
They wait...
Chef
Ih-ih-ih-in in other words, children, she's not a member of the...heterosexual persuasion.
They just blink at him.
Chef
Don't you understand? She's a lesbian.
Stan
A whatbian?
Kyle
A plebeian?
Chef
You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
Stan
Kenny?
Kenny throws his palms up. He doesn't know, either.
Stan
No, explain it to us, Chef.
Chef
Hud-that-that's okay. Uhd-uh, look. All you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.
Stan
Oh.
Chef
Now move along, children, you're holding up the line!
They head back into the cafeteria.
Kyle
Weak, dude. She only likes other lesbians?
Stan
Hey, man. If she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians, too!
Kyle
Hey, yeah!
Cartman
You guys. Ya know what? My grandma was Dutch Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian - that makes me quarter-lesbian.
Stan
You're just saying that, Cartman.
Kyle
Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fat-ass.
Cartman
I am, too!
Tom's Rhinoplasty
Tom
Okay, only a few more bandages to go.
Mr. Garrison
Well?
Tom
Take a look for yourself.
Mr. Garrison takes the mirror and sees a reflection of himself - as David Hasselhoff. He will look this way from now on.
Mr. Garrison
Wwooww, that's a pretty good nose job. What do you think, Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat
I think it looks great.
Tom
Yes. I think once the swelling goes down you'll really notice the difference.
Cartman's house, after school. He's on the living room floor licking the carpet. His friends enter.
Stan
What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman
My mom said if you want to become a lesbian you have to lick carpet.
Kyle
Really?
Stan
Well I got a...Indi-glo...Girls CD. The guy at the record store said it was perfect.
He pops the CD into the stereo.
Kyle
And I got these killer Birken-stocks.
Stan and Kyle promptly join Cartman on the floor. Kenny studies them for a moment, drops down and thinks a bit, then starts licking.
Indiglo Girls singer

I woke up very early one Sunday morn...

Cartman
This is a bunch of crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!
Sidewalk. The camera focuses on a pair of feet as they begin to move. The camera pans up to reveal Mr. Garrison walking down the street to the beat of Andy Gibb's Shadow Dancing. He stops by a woman in a yellow blouse and red skirt.
Mr. Garrison
Hi, Mrs. Campbell.
Mrs. Campbell
[Breathlessly.] Oh, How-dy Mr. Garrison. Se-hey, honey, you look kinda differe-hent-huh.
Mr. Garrison
Really?
Mrs. Campbell
Did you get a haircut?
Mr. Garrison
No, but thanks for asking.
He moves down the street.
Mrs. Campbell
[Waving at him.] Call me! I'm in the book!
Mr. Garrison
Wow, Mr. Hat. Having a nose job is even better than I thought. There's a whole world of opportunity opening up in front of us.
Wendy's house. Bebe is at the door
Wendy
Thanks for coming over, Bebe.
She follows Wendy to the sofa.
Bebe
That's okay, Wendy. I brought my makeup kit like you asked me. What are we doing, anyway?
Wendy
That mean old substitute isn't going to stop until she takes everything from me, Bebe.
Bebe
Really?
Wendy
Yeah. What I'd really like to do is load her into a rocket and have her shoot into the center of the sun. But instead, I'll just get Stan to notice me again. Bebe, I need a makeover.
Bebe
Oh, cool.
Day three, the classroom.
Stan
I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am.
Cartman
I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
Stan
No, you're a fatter lesbian than me.
Kyle
Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!
Clyde
Whoa.
All eyes look right.
Clyde
Is that Wendy Testaburger?
Heads turn. Cartman smiles, Wendy had a makeover all right. She comes in dressed in a two-piece leather suit, blush, eyeshadow... A (candy?) cigarette hangs from her lips and her hair is feathered out. She walks in with an air of sophistication and then takes out the cigarette. A smoky tune plays as she enters. The guys in class are rather pleased at this makeover.
Wendy
Hi guys, what's up?
Cartman
Wow. Wendy looks just like that chick from Grease, Elton John.
Stan smiles and his eyes follow her to her desk.
Stan
Wow. Hi, Wendy.
Wendy
Oh. Hi, Stan.
She turns to Bebe and whispers.
Wendy
I think it worked, Bebe.
Bebe
[Pleased.] Yeah.
Ms. Ellen
Good morning, children.
She, too, comes in wearing a two-piece leather suit.
Stan
Wow!
Wendy and Bebe are devastated.
Cartman
Dang! That's nice!
Kyle
Yeah!
Ms. Ellen
Oh, Wendy! You wore black leather, too!
Wendy is mortified.
Ms. Ellen
We're like sisters!
Wendy
DIE!!
Stan rests his head on his hands and melts into a wavy smile while Cartman is overjoyed.
Ms. Ellen
All right, kids, I've finished grading your papers and the person with the highest score is-
Mr. Garrison
Hello there, children!
Shadow Dancing starts up again and he dances. The class just looks at him.
Stan
Oh, no, Mr. Garrison's back.
Cartman
Oh, weak, dude!
Wendy
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr. Garrison!
Triumphal music plays as she leaps out of her desk and somersaults her way to the teacher's desk. She lands next to Ms. Ellen, she starts doing a little cheer.
Wendy
He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison is back! So loong, substitute. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, now.
Mr. Garrison
Children, I have a very important announcement to make.
The class listens.
Mr. Garrison
I'm quitting my job as a teacher.
All gasp and the music dies.
Wendy
Wwhat?
Mr. Garrison
It's strange, but suddenly I feel really confident about myself, and I've decided to quit teaching, and do what I've always dreamed of doing: hang out and screw hot chicks.
Wendy
You...you can't.
Mr. Garrison
But the good news is,
Principal Victoria appears at the door.
Mr. Garrison
I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it and Ms. Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher.
Stan smiles.
Class
Hooray!
Wendy is deflated again.
Ms. Ellen
Really?
Principal Victoria
That's right. Will you stay?
Ms. Ellen
Wel...sure!
Wendy can barely contain herself.
Wendy
Noooo! Noooo!
Ms. Ellen
Oh. By the way, kids, the person who scored highest on the quiz and gets to have dinner on me...is...Stan.
Stan
Bluuch. Kick ass!
Wendy
Nooo!! Nooo!!
Principal Victoria
Oh, and Wendy, I almost forgot, we just got a call in the office: your grandma just died.
Wendy
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Principal Victoria
Oh, my! What an exciting day!
Mr. Garrison is in a photo shoot, posing away as Shadow Dancing plays.
Photographer
Great, baby, you're looking great!
Mr. Garrison
I'm a lady killer, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Photographer
Okay, just a few hundred more shots and we'll be done!
Mr. Garrison
A few hundred?
Photographer
Hey, that's the life of a model, baby.
Mr. Garrison
Hoh, boy, I'm gonna need some more smack.
Photographer
You've got it! [The photo-shoot continues.]
Dinner at King Jimmy's Buffet. Stan and Ms. Ellen are at a booth. Dinner music is playing while thunder rolls by.
Ms. Ellen
I'm - very - glad we can have dinner together, Stanley. I want you to know that I really care about your education.
Stan
Are we making love now?
Ms. Ellen
Excuse me?
Stan
They don't have a fireplace here; we shouldn't be making love yet.
Ms. Ellen
What are you talking about?
Stan
You have to make love down by the fire, that's what Chef always says.
Ms. Ellen
Stan, I'm your teacher, okay? We're only friends.
Stan
But why?
Ms. Ellen
Well first of all, you're eight.
Stan
It's because I'm not a lesbian, isn't it?
Ms. Ellen
Oh boy.
Wendy stands outside the restaurant looking at the pair through a window clear across the room. The music takes on a somber tone.
Wendy
It's over. I give up.
She turns and walks away.
Day four, the center of town. Mr. Garrsion leans against a mailbox.
Mr. Garrison
Boy I'll tell you something Mr. Hat. Being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring.
Mr. Hat
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
A crowd of women is heard coming Garrison's way.
Mr. Garrison
What the...?
The women appear and mob Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
Whoa-hey-way-wait-aaah.
They rip open his shirt.
Mr. Garrison
Aaaah. Mr. Hat! Save yourself!
Mr. Hat flies out of the fray.
The classroom. Students are filing in and going to their seats
Kyle
So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen go?
Cartman
Did you make love?
Stan
I think so.
Cartman
No way!
Stan
Yup.
Kyle
Down by the fire?
Stan
Yup.
Kenny
(And did you stick it in right when the fireplace gave you the shadow light?)
Stan
Did I what?
Ms. Ellen enters.
Ms. Ellen
Good morning, children.
Wendy approaches subdued.
Wendy
Ms. Ellen. Can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen
Sure, but...can't it wait until after class, Wendy?
Wendy
No. I just have to apologize for the way I've been acting.
Ms. Ellen
Oh, that's okay, Wendy.
Wendy
No, it's not. Since you're here to stay, I just hope we can be friends.
Ms. Ellen
Well, I would love that, Wendy.
Wendy
And - ahem - I want to apologize to everybody. The way I acted was wrong,
Stan frowns. Sad music plays.
Wendy
...and I've learned from it.
Her eyes begin to well up with tears.
Wendy
I just wish...Stan, and Ms. Ellen, would have all the happiness in the world.
Ms. Ellen
Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan!
Cartman
That's not what we just heard!
The sidewalk. Mr. Garrison is next to a trash can. His shirt and pants are torn to bits. The top of Mr. Hat's hat is missing.
Mr. Garrison
Hoh Mr. Hat, I hate this! I wish I'd never had a nose job.
The women find him and rush towards him.
Woman
Oh my God, did he...?
Mr. Garrison
Damn this beautiful face of mine! Damn it to hell!!
He pants.
Mr. Garrison
We have to get the surgery again, Mr. Hat. I want to be the old me again!
He enters Ton's Rhinoplasty again, the women rush by, and he peeks out from behind the window. So much for looking like David Hasselhoff...
The classroom.
Ms. Ellen
Okay, children, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting.
A commotion is heard in the hall, then Arab soldiers burst through the door and pour into the classroom with their swords drawn.
Leader
Down! Down! Everybody down!
Cartman
What the hell...?
Everybody drops down below their desks.
Leader
So! We meet again, Ms. Ellen!
Principal Victoria
And just what is going on here, mister?
Leader
I am Hakeem Korashki, of the mighty nation of Iraq! This woman is a traitor to our government!
Ms. Ellen
It's a lie!
Korashki
She has killed thousands, and will kill again, I assure you!
Principal Victoria
Ms. Ellen, is this true?
Ms. Ellen
Nooo!
Korashki
We must take her back to Iraq immediately!
Wendy
Oh, coool!
Ms. Ellen
Principal Victoria, please.
Korashki
Here is a black-and-white photo of Ms. Ellen with our leader. [Shows photo.] Her real name is Makesh Alak Makarakesh.
Principal Victoria
Well, Ms. Makaraqesh, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy. Take her away!
Ms. Ellen
NOOOO!!
She grabs the scimitar away from a soldier.
Ms. Ellen
GET AWAY FROM ME!! UUGH!!
The scimitar leaves her hand and heads for Kenny. It pierces him right above the nose, picks him up, and pins him to the back wall.
Stan
Oh my God, she killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastard!
Ms. Ellen is being dragged out the door by the soldeirs.
Ms. Ellen
NOOOOOOO!!
Wendy
Wow.
The kids take their seats.
Wendy
What incredible irony.
School entrance. helicopters are hovering around, an ambulance and Officer Barbrady hold the crowd

back. Stan is standing next to Wendy.

Stan
Wow. I can't believe Ms. Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive.
Wendy
Yeah, you just never know.
Stan
Well, I guess I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and stuff.
Wendy
Happy Valentine's Day, Staan.
She turns to kiss him. He turns to kiss her. Wendy's theme plays. They get closer, then...
Stan
Bluuuuch!
Right in her mouth.
Wendy
Eeewwww!
Wendy quickly wipes the vomit from her mouth, Stan looks away, embarrased.
Stan
Sorry.
Wendy
No, it's okay, Stan!
Stan looks at her.
Wendy
Everything's going to be o-kay!
Kyle
Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?!
Cartman takes a big bite out of a cardboard box.
Cartman
Yeah, dude! My mom says all I have to do is chow on this box.
Iraqi desert. Military maneuvers are taking place. The camera stops at a rocket waiting to be launched.
Korashki
For crimes against this country, you are hereby sentenced to be shot into the center of the sun!
Ms. Ellen
Egh.
She is moved to the rocket.
Ms. Ellen
This is all a mistake!
She is thrown in the rocket.
Ms. Ellen
This can't be happening!
She pops up, the rocket door is shut, and the rocket is fired up.
Ms. Ellen
Pleease! For the love of God!
Korashki
Shove off!!
The rocket takes off and heads for the sun.
Wendy's house, pool party
Mrs. Campbell
Wo-hoo-hoo! Great party, Wendy!
Wendy
Thanks, Mrs. Campbell. Thanks for helping me get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher.
Mrs. Campbell
Anything for you, sugar-pie!
Wendy sees Kyle come up.
Wendy
Oh, hi, Kyle!
Kyle
I've been thinking, Wendy. This whole outcome is pretty strange.
Wendy
U-huh. Excuse me.
Some Iraqi soldiers approach to talk to Wendy.
Wendy
Ka fahra qehlaq hemblaq!
Iraqi
Ka fahra qetlaq humblaq! [Greetings...]
Wendy
Laq hemblaq henlaq henlalah qemblaq!
Iraqi
Kuhla shaluah lakhenblaturtulah!
Wendy
Kaqemblaq!
Wendy throws them a wad of bills.
Iraqi
Ah, laqeh blakatah!]
They walk away miffed.
Kyle
How is it that Ms. Ellen was suddenly arrested for being an Iraq-
Wendy
Wait, wait!
She throws off her sunglasses and reaches down.
Wendy
It's time to whip out the eclipse shoe-box thing!
She puts it up to her left eye, then smiles. She is looking at the rocket fired off by the Iraqis some time earlier as it nears the sun. She sees the impact.
Wendy
Bye-bye, Ms. Ellen.
Kyle
Wendy! You didn't!
Wendy
I told her. Don't... fuck... with... Wendy... Testaburger!
Kyle is shocked.
End of Tom's Rhinoplasty


  111: "Tom's Rhinoplasty" edit
Story Elements

Tom's Rhinoplasty (Location)Ms. EllenDavid HasselhoffHakeem Korashki • "I Remember When We Fell in Love" • "No Substitute" • "Shadow Dancing"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete First Season

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