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Titties and Dragons/Script

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Butters Stotch
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Craig Tucker
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Pete
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Liane Cartman
  • Tom Thompson
  • Tammy Thompson
  • Niles Lawson
  • Bill Gates
  • Sony President, executives and secretary
  • Man on Street
  • Sony ship's captain and deckhand
  • Homeowner
  • George R. R. Martin
  • Guards
  • Rick Tellmore
  • EVGames Clerk
  • Announcer
  • Elmo
  • Red Robin Manager
  • Shoppers

Script

[Previously on South Park. Some clips of the previous episodes are shown as a summary. A clip featuring the Canadian Minister of Health is included just for kicks. The intro follows, with the Wiener song from last episode playing. Then follows the Princess Kenny Japanese anime-style animation. The segment begins at Sony Headquarters. Three men are in the president's office. One looks out the window while the second talks to the president]
Exec. 1: Taihen! Mada Microsoft watashi no fune tomatteiru. ["Bad news! Microsoft is still stopping our ships."]
Sony President: Sou ka... ["I see..."]
Exec. 2: Sugu, funukenakereba narimasen. Kono Buraku Furaide sugu kuru. ["We must not back down this soon. Black Friday will soon arrive."]
Sony President: Kore ga mondai desu ne? Ima Purincessu Kenni sugoi irimasu! ["This is a problem, right? I really need Princess Kenny now!"]
Kenny: Tadaima! ["I'm back!"]
Sony President: Oh!
Kenny: Purincessu Kenni reporuto! ["Princess Kenny reporting!"]
Exec. 1: Ah! Ikimashita! [His eyes change to loving hearts icons--"Ah! He has arrived!"]
Exec. 2: Kawaii na, Purincessu Kenni. ["Princess Kenny is so cute."]
Exec. 1: Un ["Yup."]
Sony President: Hayai de! Purincessu Kennu, arigato! Mondai dayo: XBokusu saisho no Bill Gates watashi no PS4 shipment tomatteimasu! ["That was quick. Thank you, Princess Kenny. We have a problem: XBox's president Bill Gates is stopping the shipment of the PS4!"]
Kenny: Hai, Purincessu Kenni assisuto! ["Yessir! Princess Kenny will assist!"]
[At sea, day. A Sony cargo ship is stopped in its tracks by three smaller Microsoft ships]
Captain: Baka! Kora wa sugoi cheating desu! ["Idiot! This is amazing cheating!"]
Deckhand: [points to the sky] Ara! Purincessu Kenni! ["Look! Princess Kenny!"]
Kenny: Minna-san! Kenni kimasu! ["Everyone, Kenny has arrived"]
Deckhand: [elated] Aaaaah! [His eyes become loving stars]
[Return to normal South Park animation style and open on XBox Army headquarters, day. Cartman is in a lawn chair talking to Kyle and Clyde. He's not pleased with what he's hearing.]
Cartman: [nose in left hand] He did what?? He flew down in a parachute and did what??
Clyde: Apparently, he stopped Microsoft from blockading the shipment of PS4s to the mall. Looks like he's all over the place winning the console wars for Sony.
Cartman: Because, because what? Because he's cute?
Kyle: Cartman, he's got everyone on Sony's side. We can't stop him!
Cartman: But what does he do besides that he's cute?!
Liane: [appears in the sliding door] Sweetie, Bill Gates is on the phone for you.
Cartman: Tell Bill Gates to suck my ass, Mom! [she turns around and goes back inside. Cartman reconsiders] Mom? [she looks back at him] Don't seriously tell Bill Gates to suck my ass. Tell him everything's cool and I'll call him in a little bit. [she walks out of view]
Kyle: This would have never happened if you would have let Kenny be a princess in the first place!
Cartman: He's not a princess, he's a DUDE!
Kyle: Well, unfortunately for us, he's now on the other side! We are out of options!
Cartman: So what are you saying, Kyle?!
Kyle: I have an idea. [turns around and walks off a bit] I don't like it, but I think it's the only choice we have.
[South Park Mall, night. A huge crowd of people waits to get in, and minor scuffles pop up from time to time. Niles reports]
Niles: Tom, Black Friday is finally almost here, and as you can see behind me, holiday shoppers are really getting antsy. People have been waiting out here since midnight on Thanksgiving. They're cold, they're starving, and there's already been a lot of blood shed over these holiday deals. Joining me now is Rick Tellmore, [balding shopper] who's been out here for six days, and= your five year old son was eaten. Is that correct?
Rick: Yes, yes that's right, we had to eat him. We were all sort of starving out here, so we drew straws, and he drew the shortest one.
Niles: What is it you're hoping to get when Black Friday does finally start?
Rick: A a Blu-ray player. Ninety-six percent off, it's gonna be about 20 bucks.
Niles: Now, some people might say that eating your child is not very Christmasy. What would you say to them?
Rick: [thinks a long time] 

Iiii...
ate my son for a Blu-ray play-er
With a ho ho ho and a jingle jingle jang-le
My son got ate and it tasted good ho ho jingle jingle ho ho!
[as Niles speaks, he moves off, singing]
Ho ho jingle jing-le
Jingle jingle jang-le
Jingle jingle jingle ho ho!

Niles: No doubt Christmas is alive and well at the South Park Mall. Back to you, Tom.
[PS4 Army's medieval tent headquarters, day. Stan looks over a crude, cardboard, scale model of the mall, with troop locations indicated by Lego men]
Stan: Alright, guys, here's the deal: the main entrance to the mall is already blocked by thousands of waiting shoppers. The kids who want XBoxes plan to flank from the left, here. [points to the location] Our best chance of being first inside is finding a way to the mall's back entrance, here. [points to a location outside cardboard Red Robin]
Craig: At Red Robin?
Jimmy: That's right. Red Robin has doors on the inside that go right out into the mall.
Stan: The key to us being the first ones inside is taking over the Red Robin before Black Friday starts.
Craig: So how do we take over Black Robin?
Stan: I have no idea.
Pete: [appearing at the tent's entrance] Hey uh, excuse me?
Stan: Yes?
Pete: The uh, XBox fighters are here and they say they wanna switch sides?
Stan: What? [moments later, outside, Stan walks towards Cartman as the two armies face each other]
Kyle: Go ahead and tell him, Cartman.
Cartman: Alright. on behalf of the XBox fighters of Zaron we hereby lay down our arms and give up, okay?
Craig: Haha.
Cartman: Shut up, Craig! This is very difficult! You guys win, alright?! We'll all play on PlayStation 4s! We still think XBox is the superior machine, but you got too many people on your side, and then Kenny became a Japanese princess.
Clyde: Nobody saw that coming.
Kyle: Look, the truth is, we all have a bigger problem now, and you know it. Nobody is going to get anything if we don't work together against those thousands of other shoppers.
Stan: So, better a PS4 than nothing, is that it? I think we'll take our chances on our own. [turns around and walks away]
Cartman: We know a way inside the Red Robin. [this stops Stan, Jimmy and Craig] You don't think you're the only ones that thought of it. We were going to use the Red Robin entrance too, and we figured out how.
Kyle: Red Robin can be rented out, for wedding parties. If we all chip in we can pay for the deposit to have the wedding party there.
Craig: Hey, that could work.
Kyle: Let's do this together, dude. [Stan turns around and goes back] Our only shot at playing any next-gen console is by teaming up. If you wanna game on a PS4, then I do too.
Stan: And you swear you'll be okay with that? You won't talk about the XBox being better ever again?
Kyle: [pledges with his right hand up and puts his left hand behind his back] I swear, Stan.
Stan: [turns around] Alright, guys. Looks like we have a wedding to plan. [as he walks away with Jimmy and Craig, the camera reveals that Kyle had his fingers on the hand behind his back crossed during the swear.]
[Switch to Princess Kenny anime-style animation. Sony headquarters, day.]
Sony President: Taihen. Kono console warusu mada owaranai. ["This is bad! These console wars aren't over yet."]
Exec. 3: Sou desu ["That's right"]
Sony President: Un? ["Oh?"]
Exec. 3: [holds up a chart showing the projected sales of XBox and PS4 in Japan] XBox to Sony PS4 neku ando neku desu. ["The XBox and Sony PS4 are neck and neck."]
Kenny: Minna-san, ii yo. Purincessu Kenni ganbaru. ["Everyone, its alright. Princess Kenny will give it her all."]
Secretary 1: Kenni-chan, shitsure desu kedo. Wedding invitation kimashita. ["Kenny-chan, sorry to interrupt, but a wedding invitation has arrived."]
Kenny: Ha? Ueddingu? ["Huh? Wedding?" Kenny reads the front of the invitation: "You are invited to a wedding at Red Robin"]
Cartman: [Cartman's portrait, anime-style with a beard, voices over as Kenny reads the note inside the invitation.] Kenny-chan, please come home at once. Our two houses have found peace. Come to the Red Robin wedding, and we will accept you as the princess you are. Yours truly, the Wizard King.
Kenny: Waaah? Sugoi-chan. ["What? Sweet!"]
Exec. 1: Purincessu Kenni ueddingu irimasu ne? ["Princess Kenny is going to be in a wedding, right?"]
Exec. 2: Un. ["Yeah."]
Sony President: Purincessu Kenni, honto ni zenbu arigato ["Princess Kenny, thanks so much for everything."]
Exec. 1: Ki o tsukete, Kenni-chan ["Take care, Kenny-chan!"]
Exec. 2: Purincessu Kenni, sayonara! ["Goodbye, Princess Kenny!" They all bow]
Kenny: Minna-san, sayonara! Ima, Purincessu Kenni tomodachi ni kaerimasu! ["Goodbye, everyone! Princess Kenny is going back home to her friends!" Kenny jumps out the window... and drops straight down. She crashes into the street below and leaves a big puddle of blood]
Man: Eh?!
Exec. 1: Nande koto! Purincessu Kenni koroshita! ["Oh my God! It killed Princess Kenny!"]
Exec. 2: Honto! Purincessu Kenni shindeitta! ["It's true! Princess Kenny is dead!"]
Exec. 1: Horaa! ["Look!"]
Kenny: [gets up and dusts himself off, then floats in the air] Purincessu Kenni daijobu dayo! ["Princess Kenny is fine!"]
The Office: Ahh, kawaii! [The men's eyes turn to hearts, the women's to happy upside-down U's--"Ahh, how cute!"]
[Return to normal animation style. The Garden of Andros, yet again. Cartman walks with Stan now.]
Cartman: Sir Stan, I was hoping I could talk to you about the wedding.
Stan: Yeah, sure, what about it?
Cartman: I think it's best that when the time comes for the mall to open, we should stay back a bit from the doors. [reaches out for a yellow rose]
Stan: Why?
Cartman: Well, think about it. [hands the rose to Stan, who takes it] The first people inside are gonna have to take on the brunt of the holiday shoppers from the main entrance. It's best we let Butters and Scott Malkinson go first. While they fight, we can simply slip on by.
Stan: Oh, okay I guess that makes sense, but... Butters and Scott won't be able to get their PS4s.
Cartman: Yes, that's true, but, let's face Sir Stan. This is all about you and me getting PlayStations. The rest are simply there to help us... get through-
Homeowner: He's lying to you! [Cartman gets annoyed, and he and Stan look at the homeowner] They're just acting like they've given up, but it's a double-bluff!
Cartman: Dude! Dude!
Homeowner: They're gonna betray you at the Red Robin wedding! He got the idea watching Game of Thrones!
Cartman: Dude, shut the fuck up!
Stan: Who is that?
Cartman: He's just this old crazy guy who gets pissed off because I'm in his garden all the time.
Homeowner: They're gonna lock you in!
Cartman: God damn it, shut up!
Homeowner: He talked about it in my garden to like three other people! They're gonna lock you in the Red Robin and go get all the XBoxes! That's why he wants you to stay back from the doors!
Cartman: Well why don't you just tell the whole world everything, huh?! Why don't you tell everyone what Prometheus was about while you're at it?!
Stan: Did Kyle know about this?
Cartman: Dude, we're not gonna betray you. Come on! Did you see Prometheus? I don't think the writers even knew what that was about.
Stan: Did Kyle know about this?!
Cartman: [sighs] Kyle thought of it. [Stan bolts out of there] Stan, dude, hold on! XBox One is fuckin' sweet, dude! [with Stan not returning, Cartman looks at the homeowner] You're a fuckin' asshole!
Homeowner: Fuck you, get out of my garden!
Cartman: I'll shit in your fuckin' garden!
Homeowner: Go fuck yourself! [slams his bedroom window shut]
[Channel 9 News]
Tammy: Well, the wait is over and Black Friday is finally here.
Tom: Niles Lawson is at the scene, and it's about time, Niles.
Niles: That's right Tom. Mall officials have said they are ready, and doors will open as soon as their guest of honor cuts the ceremonial red ribbon. [shown] This year's ribbon cutter is of course George R. R. Martin, who um, doesn't appear to have shown up yet, [a real-life photo of GRRM is shown] but uhh, says he is on his way. Just like the dragons and zombies in his novels, he is on his way.
[Sure enough, two horses run through frozen New Mexico. One carries GRRM, the other carries Butters and Scott, who has passed out from lack of eating]
Butters: Now just hold on a minute! Well I'm pretty darned sure the fastest way back to Colorado isn't on horseback!
GRRM: That may be true, but horses have one quality that is unmatched by any other mode of transportation.
Butters: What's that? [looks around, than below, his horse] Awww! [horse is shown with a huge semi-hard penis.]
[Red Robin, day. As the boys and Red Robin workers go about preparing the restaurant for a wedding, Cartman talks to the manager. After hanging up a "Happy Wedding" banner, Clyde and Craig come down some ladders]
Cartman: Okay, cool, could we set up the two long tables here, like, facing each other, and then another one for the bride and groom back there?
Manager: Uh, I heard a rumor. May I ask, who is it that's getting married?
Cartman: Oh uum, Tom Hanks aaand Beyoncé.
Manager: It's, it's real? It's for real? Oho my God, I love them!
Cartman: Yesh, kewl.
Manager: So Beyoncé is not with Jay-Z anymore?
Cartman: Well, clearly she wouldn't be marrying Tom Hanks at Red Robin if she was.
Manager: Uh, guys, guys, not those tables. Get the good tables. This is VIP, okay?
Cartman: Has anyone heard from Butters and Scott Malkinson? The fuck are they?
Kyle: [rushes up] Cartman, Cartman! I heard that Stan somehow found out about our plan!
Cartman: Yes, he did.
Kyle: Well what the hell are you doing?! This isn't gonna work now!
Cartman: [shushes Kyle up and walks him a few steps] It's fine, Kyle. Everything's been taken care of. Stan won't be telling anybody anything... ever again.
Kyle: [getting alarmed] What the hell did you do??
Cartman: What had to be done so that we can play our games on XBoxes, Kyle!
Kyle: No. Tell me you didn't!
[Stan's house, evening. Sharon takes Kyle up to Stan's room and briefs him on Stan's trouble]
Sharon: He's not allowed to come out of his room, so you can talk to him through the door.
Kyle: Thanks, Mrs. Marsh.
Sharon: And keep it short. He's in real trouble. He defecated in a nice old man's garden.
Kyle: Ok-okay. [watches her leave, walks over to Stan's door and knocks] Stan? Stan?
Stan: [startled out of his sleep] Huh? Hello? Who is that? [next to him is a glass of milk, a sandwich with a bite in it, and a tin cup]
Kyle: Stan, it's me.
Stan: Get out of here!
Kyle: Dude, I know you're pissed at me right now. You've gotta understand that I did it because I know in my heart that the XBox is better, for all of us.
Stan: You completely betrayed the last bit of friendship we still had.
Kyle: You weren't playing fair, dude. Getting your dad to work part time at the mall wasn't fair.
Stan: [stands and turns to address Kyle] I didn't even know he was working at the mall, Kyle!
Kyle: You didn't?
Stan: ...But you couldn't just ask me. Because XBox people... don't care about the truth. They just care about seamless multimedia connectivity.
Kyle: I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry. This whole war has just got us all so screwed up. I just want us to be playing Call of Duty on the right machine.
Stan: You don't understand. I'm never playing Call of Duty with you again.
Kyle: [lets his head fall on the door] Stan, don't say that.
Stan: Get out of here! I'm done with you! [grabs the tin cup and raps it against his bedroom 'jail cell' door as in classic prison movies] Mom! Mom! [Kyle stands up straight] Get him out of here! [Sharon arrives, and Kyle back away from the door] Get him out! [Kyle leaves]
[Inside the currently empty South Park Mall atrium, night. Randy addresses the other guards]
Randy: Now listen up: there are only eight of us now. Peterson was a great guy, and he did not deserve to get beheaded like that. Now I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of getting to know people here, getting invested in their personalities and their back stories, and then having them die! [points to the main entrance] When those doors open, we all stick together! If anyone panics, it puts us all at risk! [a blond guard begins to weep] Stay tough, rookie.
Guard 6: We're not gonna make it, sir.
Randy: We're gonna make it! You've got a newborn little girl who needs her daddy to make it! I'm not going to let you die, okay?!
Guard 6: Okay.
Randy: OKAY?!
Guard 6: Yes sir! Yes sir.
Randy: Not one more good person dies on my watch! [all of a sudden, shoppers break through the skylight on the upper level]
Guard 3: Oh my God!
Guard 8: They're comin' in through the roof!
Guard 6: [begins to back away] I can't do this! I'm sorry! I can't do this! [runs off, and now there are seven]
Randy: Stay at your post! [an arrow pierces the fleeing guard's back right chest. Randy is shown again, holding the bow from which the arrow came] Nooo! NOOO! EVERYBODY REALLY LIKED HIM!! NOOO!
[South Park Mall, day. A helicopter shot of the crowd outside the mall.]
Niles: Here we go, Tom. George R. R. Martin has finally arrived to cut the red ribbon. [GRRM is shown behind the red ribbon with scissors in hand]
GRRM: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to be here this morning on behalf of South Park Mall Partners and channel 9 News, your go-to source for news, weather, and sports.
Shopper 8: Just do it! [the shoppers in front crouch down, ready to run inside]
GRRM: Very well. In the tradition of our ancestors, [lowers the scissors to a cutting position] let's bring in the holidays! [more jockeying for position. GRRM pulls up at the last moment and closes the scissors] But first, I'd like to share with you a few words about my wiener.
Crowd: AAAWWWW!! [off to one side, where the crowd can't see, the Goth kids approach Red Robin]
Manager: Hey, sorry guys. Red Robin is closed for a special event today.
Pete: Yeah, we know. We're with the wedding.
Manager: Oh great, go right on in. [smiles and lets them in]
[Red Robin, inside. The theme is medieval times, with the boys in costume. Both houses - House PS4 and House XBox - are present. Jimmy plays the flute while Craig accompanies him on tambourine in a medieval style song.]
Cartman: Everyone! Everyone, a Black Friday toast. How awesome that we are all friends again. Our two houses brought together. Soon we will all have our PlayStation 4s. [all cheer] And to you, my old friend, Princess Kenny. You really look stunning. No doubt the gods have smiled down upon your perky boobs. [Kenny mumbles back] Now, if you'll excuse my, my lady, I need to take a shit. [leaves the table and goes to the mall-side entrance, where Clyde is keeping watch] What have you found out?
Clyde: The mall isn't open yet. They're waiting for George R. R. Martin to come cut the ribbon.
Cartman: Oh okay, that could be a while. [turns away from the door] All our men are ready. When the mall opens, blow the whistle. We'll rush through the doors and lock the Sony dorks inside. Alright, now I really do need to take a shit.
[At the mall entrance...]
GRRM: O soft and pink with purple head.
Gently you lay with me on my bed.
Shopper 9: Get on with it, George R. R. Martin! [the rest of the crowd rallies behind him]
GRRM:

"Growl, growl" calls the wiener from on high
A little tiny wiener, still so pleasing to the eye.

Shopper 10: Enough with the wieners already!
Shopper 11: Yeah, come on!
[Back at Red Robin... Cartman is back from the restroom and looks over to the mall entrance]
Cartman: Clyde? Where the hell is Clyde? Clyde?
Kyle: [approaches Cartman and Kenny's table] Princess Kenny, I believe it's time we returned the Wizard's hospitality! [the PS4 soldiers immediately brandish their weapons and aim them at the XBox soldiers. Tweek advances on Token with an armed bow. Kenny has his sword under Cartman's chin]
Cartman: What the hell is this?!
Kyle: I'm sorry, Cartman. There's been a little change in plans!
Cartman: Sir Kyle, they're about to open the mall! What are you doing?!
Kyle: I am no longer an XBox guy! I let my friend get grounded, but today I will give him a PlayStation!
Cartman: Kyle, the PlayStation controller sucks and you know it!
Kyle: The fight is over, Cartman!
Gates: [walks into view] It's not over. Looks like I came just in time.
Cartman: Oho! Bill Gates! Sweet! In your face, Kyle!
Sony President: [walks into view and speaks in very thick accent] You will not interfere, Bill Gates! These-a children will get their PS4s! [Kenny exults]
Kyle: Wait a minute. Ha-how the hell did these two guys end up here?
Cartman: They're not a part of your betrayal?
Kyle: No. They're not a part of your betrayal?
Cartman: No. Whose betrayal is this? [the sound of chains comes from the mall entrance - Stan locks the doors, then turns around]
Stan: We're done with betrayal! It's time to put an end to this!
Kyle: Stan?
[Inside the mall...]
Guard 3: Sir? Sir, Operations just said they need one of us to unlock the door to Red Robin to let some wedding party inside the mall!
Randy: Screw them! They'll have to fend for themselves! Wait. Red Robin Wedding? Who's getting married?!
Guard 3: Tom Hanks and Beyoncé.
Randy: What?! Oh my God, everyone likes Tom Hanks and Beyoncé! [runs towards Red Robin] I've gotta save them!
[Back at Red Robin...]
Stan: I appreciate what you're trying to do, Kyle, but I have a better idea! This isn't our war, you guys! It never was. We've been pitted against each other by two companies for the sake of marketing. That's why they want lines around the block. [stops between the two presidents] Because they want a war to promote their products. They don't give a crap what kind of friendships they cost. You two want a war so bad? [throws his sword at the Sony president] Then you fucking fight!
Sony President: Huh? [strokes the wooden sword] Sou...["I see..."]
Gates: Then let's finish it! [begins to unbutton his shirt] You and me!
Sony President: Ikimashou! ["Let's go!"]
Gates: [now topless, he is fully covered in MS-13 gang tattoos. Prominent chest tattoo is "MS-DOS"] Winner take all!
Cartman: Oh dude, this is pretty sweet.
Sony President: Then let this be your last fight, Bill Gates. [Gates throws the first punch, then follows up with a few kicks. The Sony president comes back with a right hook. The kids look on in horror as the men fight unarmed. Butters finally shows up.]
Butters: Hey, fellas. What did I miss? [smiles]
[At the main mall entrance, GRRM is still expounding on wieners]
GRRM: Look at this wiener. [unzips his pants] Judge it by its size?
Rub it three times and it has a surprise. [Shopper 4 joins GRRM after GRRM exposes his penis and opens up a switchblade]
Shopper 4: That's it! You're not delaying this anymore, you wiener-loving bitch! [slices off GRRM's penis and throws it into the crowd, which cheers wildly. Shopper 4 cuts the ribbon, and the crowd surges into the mall. The six remaining guards are powerless against the crowd]
Guard 8: Happy holidays, Rick. [grabs Rick's hand and holds it as the crowd surges forward]
Rick: And to you, my friend. [Utter chaos. The guards are overpowered and trampled on. The shoppers break into the stores, destroying windows and looting. One man dies impaled on a broken window. A lot of adults grab "Stop Touching Me Elmo"s]
Shopper 12: Grab it Rebecca! Grab it [has her girl stretching out to grab an Elmo from the top shelf. Another woman comes up behind her and hits her with a bat, knocking the Elmo out of the girl's hands. The second woman is herself thrown into a shelf by a man.]
Shopper 2: [Morbidly obese shopper throwing people out of her way left and right] Kiss my fat vagina!
Shopper 13: [combat music starts in imitation of "Game of Thrones" credit music as shopper 13 competes with other shoppers to grab items from a cardboard box] Gimme that camera! Give it up! [live-action archived footage from a rush on Cabbage Patch Kids, and more from Walmart and Target]
Randy: Get back! Get out of my way! [his phone rings and he answers it] Commander Marsh?
Sharon: Did you know that your son is supposed to be grounded and he snuck out to go to Red Robin?!
Randy: WHAT?? STAN'S IN THE RED ROBIN WEDDING TOO?? OH GOD, I REALLY CARE ABOUT HIM!
[Back at Red Robin, Bill Gates finishes off the Sony president with five head smashes into the ground.]
Gates: This... is over... Now... you die! {cracks the president's head open and creates a pool of blood, then throwing him into a wall for good measure. The president's brain is exposed. Tired and breathless, Gates walks over to a table and leans on it a little] It's over. XBox... wins! [no one is happy about this.]
Cartman: [flatly] Yay, XBox wins.
Stan: [flatly] Yay.
Randy: [unlocks the doors and opens them] Stan! You're alive! I saved you! [falls on to his knees] It's okay, Beyoncé! The fight's over! You can still shop! [falls over, exhausted]
Gates: Go on, kids. [gasps] Go get your XBoxes. [the kids silently leave Red Robin. Music changes to a solo piano playing "Oh Christmas Tree" in imitation of "A Charlie Brown Christmas". Eleven of them walk through the mall, through a sea of bodies and blood, and up to the second floor on an escalator]
Elmo: [on an adjacent escalator] Can Elmo smell your genitals? [the boys walk over to EVGames]
EVGames Clerk: [unscathed, despite the destruction to his shop] Happy holidays, guys. What can I interest ya in? [the shelf behind him, full of PS4s and XB1s, is surprisingly unscathed]
Cartman: We'd like to get XBox Ones please.
EVGames Clerk: Good choice! [gives the boys a thumbs up]
[Channel 9 news report set in front of parking lot full of dead shoppers. "A Charlie Brown Christmas" piano music still underscores.]
Randy: [Silently carries a flat panel television past the mass of dead bodies.]
Niles: Tom, the shopping frenzy is over, and it looks like Microsoft's new XBox One is this year's hot item. No doubt this will secure its place as the go-to next-gen console. Black Friday is over. There's been death, violence, horrible human behavior... and the big winner here, decidedly, is Channel 9 News.
[Cartman's house, afternoon. The eleven who went to EVGames - Timmy, Tweek, Craig, Clyde, Kenny, Token, Kyle, Butters, Jimmy, Cartman, Stan - and Scott are in the living room. Cartman and Stan are playing while the others are behind them, watching.]
Cartman: The interface is pretty cool. See, I told you guys, it's really a... it's a seamless interface.
Stan: Yes, it is.
Butters: The graphics are definitely like 10% better than the old XBox.
Jimmy: Yeah that's that's that's pretty nice. [the game falls silent]
Cartman: You guys wanna p-play outside or something? [the boys glance around at each other. Soon the sliding door opens and the boys walk out onto the back yard]
Kyle: Cartman? Your side won, dude. Why are you so sad?
Cartman: I just... I can't get the image of Bill Gates... bashing that guy's head apart out of my eyes.
Stan: Yeah, I know what you mean. Well look, guys, XBox won the console wars, I mean, what are we gonna do? Not play video games?
Cartman: The last two weeks we've been too busy to play video games and, look at what we did. There's been drama, action, romance... I mean honestly you guys, do we need video games to play?
The Boys: Yeah, you're right. You make a point.
Cartman: Maybe we started to rely on Microsoft and Sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things. Like, like this. [grabs a stick from the ground] We could just play with this. Screw video games, dude! Who fuckin' needs them?!
The Boys: Yeah!
Cartman: [holds the stick up high in the sun] Fuck 'em!
[Quick commercial. A box for The Stick of Truth appears onscreen]
Announcer: The South Park video game, coming to stores soon!
Butters: [pops up onscreen] Yeah, and if you believe that I've got a big floppy wiener to dangle in your face!
[End of Titties and Dragons.]


  1709: "Titties and Dragons" edit
Story Elements

George R.R. MartinPrincess KennySony PresidentGarden OwnerRed RobinXbox One vs. Playstation 4 WarsBill GatesSouth Park Mall

Media

ImagesScriptsVideo

Release

South Park: The Complete Seventeenth Season

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