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The Unaired Pilot/Script

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Ike Broflovski
  • Chef
  • Ms. Crabtree
  • Farmer Carl
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Hat
  • Pip Pirrup
  • Train Conductor
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Liane Cartman
  • Nurse McSchwartz
  • Fifth graders
  • Special appearances by several cows and Aliens

Script

[At the bus stop]
Boys School day, school day, teacher's golden ru--
Kyle: Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again.
Ike: Ee gko zeeponanner.
Kyle: Ike, you can't come to school with me. [Ike chortles and skips over to Cartman]
Cartman: Yeah, go home, you little dildo.
Kyle: Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan: What's a dildo?
Kyle: Well, I don't know... and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either.
Cartman: I know what it means!
Kyle: Well, what?
Cartman: I'm not telling you.
Stan: What's a dildo, Kenny?
Kenny: (It's a giant stick that goes inside the mom's vagina) [Laughter]
Cartman: Huh, yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right! [Kyle swings Ike by his feet, knocking Cartman down] Ow! [Ike laughs]
Stan: Dude! That kicks ass!
Kyle: Yeah, check this one out. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby. [Kyle kicks Ike, and Ike mows down four mailboxes. Cartman yawns]
Stan: Whoa, Cartman! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
Cartman: Oh, dude. That's 'cause I was having these... bogus nightmares.
Kyle: Really? What about?
Cartman: Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed... [the dream sequence begins] in the dark, when all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room. [through his window, one can see a spaceship land and its light stream in] Then slowly my bedroom door begin to open, [an alien peeks inside] and then the next thing I remember I was being drug through a hallway. ["Weeaak!"] Then I was lying on a table, [face down, and aliens lower his pajamas] and these scary hands wanted to operate on me. [back to reality] And they had big heads and big black eyes...
Stan: Dude! Visitors!
Kyle: Totally!
Cartman: What?
Stan: That wasn't a dream, Cartman, those were visitors!
Cartman: No, it was just a dream, my mom said so.
Stan: Visitors are real.
Kyle: Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows.
Cartman: Oh, shut up guys! You're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working.
Chef: [drives up and gets out of the car] Hello there, children.
Boys: Hey, Chef.
Stan: What's going to be for lunch today, Chef?
Chef: Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley.
Cartman: Kick ass.
Chef: Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night?
Cartman: [surprised] Huh??
Kyle: Yeah, fat boy saw it!
Cartman: Eh, no, that, that was just a dream. And I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
Chef: Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?
Cartman: Oh!
Stan: They took him on their ship.
Chef: Oh! Did they give you an anal probe?
Cartman: Oh!
Kyle: What's an anal probe?
Chef: That's when they put a big metal hooba-jube up yo' butt.
Kyle: Whoa, they gave you an anal probe, Cartman?
Cartman: No! Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that?
Stan: Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!
Cartman: No!
Ike: Eneh probe.
Cartman: Shut up, dildo!
Chef: Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control. [Chef walks back to his car, there is a picture of an alien with a quote "BELIEVE" on his shirt. Chef drives off.]
Cartman: [in shock] Oh!
Kyle: We told you they were real, Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass.
Cartman: God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream! [The bus pulls up and the boys board it]
Kyle: Why are you walkin' so funny Cartman?
Cartman: Shut up!
Ike: [waddles by] On foo bo phenenuh bebe.
Kyle: No, Ike, go home.
Ike: Eeeeee!
Kyle: This is it, this ones for the game.
Ike: Purplor.
Kyle: Kick the baby! [He kicks Ike, who flies through the first window of the school bus and crashes out through the other side.]
Student: Good one!
[On the Bus]
Stan: Good morning, Miss Crabtree.
Ms. Crabtree: Sit down! We're runnin' late! [The bus starts to drive down the road, leaving Ike behind at the bus stop. Kyle is kneeling on the seat looking back at him.]
Kyle: Damn it, he's still there.
Stan: Oh, don't worry about him.
Kyle: No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me.
Ms. Crabtree: Sit down back there!! Arrrgggghhh!!
Kyle: Ike! Go home!
Ms. Crabtree: I said sit dowwwwn!
Stan: Yeah, whatever ya fat bitch.
Ms. Crabtree: What did you say?
Stan: I said I have a bad itch.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh.
Kyle: Huh! Oh my god! [two aliens are holding Ike]
Stan: [turning to see] Visitors!
Kenny: (Oh my God!)
Kyle: Ike! [runs to the front of the bus] Stop the bus! Miss Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!
Ms. Crabtree: Sit down, kid!
Kyle: But I have to get off!
Ms. Crabtree: Do you want an office referral?
Kyle: No.
Ms. Crabtree: Then sit down!
Kyle: But I...
Ms. Crabtree: Arrgghh!!
Kyle: Argghh!
Kyle/Ms. Crabtree: Arrrrgggghhhh! [Kyle runs back to his seat. Ms. Crabtree has the last word]
Stan: Cartman, are those the same visitors you saw?
Cartman: Shut up, you guys. It's not working.
Kyle: I'm in big trouble, you guys! We have to do something!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us.
Ms. Crabtree: What did you say?!
Stan: Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do. [she makes a hard right, flinging kids onto the left side of the bus.]
Kyle: What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Stan farts] You farted. [They laugh]
Cartman: Somebody's baking brownies. [Behind the bus, a space craft rises into the sky, then leaves the atmosphere quickly]
[Farmer's grazing fields with a mutilated cow]
Farmer: This is the third cow this month. At this rate all of my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through. [The cows moo questioningly]
Officer Barbrady: This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time. [The cows shake their heads]
Farmer: People been saying they've been seeing UFOs around.
Barbrady: UFOs? [laughs]
Farmer: Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks, like there's some kind of government cover-up going on.
Barbrady: That is the silliest thing I've ever heard. [Helicopters fly by above him]
Farmer: What was that?
Barbrady: That-that was a pigeon.
Farmer: What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one? [the cows notice something and raise their heads. One alien waves a piece of hay; another one whistles. The cows start running away from them] Hey! My cattle! ["Cattle Ranch" sign falls down.] Well, that's just great! You see? There is somethin' funny goin' on!
Officer Barbrady: There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.
[Mr. Garrison's class]
Mr. Garrison: And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus.
Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a, and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. Then Columbus joined forces with Chewbacca, and fought against Roy Orbison...
Kyle: [whispering] Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling, "Where's your brother, Kyle?" "You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?"...
Stan: [whispering] Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him.
Kyle: [voice rising to an audible level] ..."You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!" "Brush and floss, Kyle!" "Where has that finger been, Kyle?"
Stan: Dude!
Mr. Garrison: Is there a problem, boys?
Kyle: Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?
Kyle: No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens. [silence] It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe.
Cartman: Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh-heh.
Kyle: [walks up to Mr. Garrison's desk] Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle: [angrily] I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Hat: Well, Kyle... No!! No, no, no! I'm Mr. Hat and you're-you're a little turd! You hear me?!? You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Mr. Garrison: Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.
Kyle: Dammit!
Mr. Garrison: Okay Mr. Hat, Why don't we talk to the children about Columbus' uterus? ...Mr. Hat? Oh great, now Mr. Hat's all pissed off!
Kyle: Fuck Mr. Hat.
Mr. Garrison: No no, fuck you. [chilling piano music. The other children stare at Garrison in shock, with their mouths wide open. End of act one.]
[Train station. Cows flock in from all around and stand in line, waiting to board the train out of town]
Conductor: Hey, you cows can't get on this train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right? 'Cause you're cows. [The cows are all staring at the conductor] No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? It's not gonna work.
Officer Barbrady: [drives by with his lights flashing] Hold it right there, cows! [Cows split up and run off mooing] Come back here! Now then! [pursues them]
[Cafeteria]
Kid 1: So then I had...
Kid 2: Ya, seriously, killer.
Cartman: [the camera stops and focuses] Oooh, I sure am hungry.
Pip: 'Ello gentlemen, any of you blokes know what's for lunch today? [Silence. Stan and Cartman stare back] Lunchy munchies, hmmm?
Cartman: Go away Pip, nobody likes you!
Kyle: Yeah, what kind of name is Pip anyway?
Pip: Well, my father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Phillip, my infant tongue--
Cartman: Goddammit, would you shut the hell up!?! Nobody gives a rat's ass!
Stan: Yeah, go away Pip.
Pip: Right-o. [walks off]
Cartman: Dah, French people piss me off.
Kyle: Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger.
Stan: [gasps] Where? [He finds himself looking right at her. Love music plays while hearts dance around Stan's head. Stan smiles, and it soon goes from ear to ear]
Cartman: [singing] Stan wants to kiss Wendy Testaburger
Stan: Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her.
Cartman: I'm not fat. And you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you.
Stan: I do not.
Kyle: Guys! If I don't get Ike back from the visitors, my parents are gonna disown me. How can you even think of anything else? [the boys walk through a doorway to the cafeteria kitchen hall, where they meet Chef.]
Chef: Hello there, children.
Boys: Hey, Chef.
Chef: How are you doing?
Kyle: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Kyle: Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?
Chef:

Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up.

I'm gonna make love to ya woman
Gonna lay you down by the fire
And caress your womanly body
Make ya moan and perspire
Gonna...

Stan: Uh, Chef.
Chef: ...get those juices flowin'...
Stan: Chef!
Chef: We're makin' love gravy--
Stan: Chef!
Chef: -love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove GRAVIH!
Stan: Chef!!
Chef: ...love lo-- Huh? [Silence] Now, do you feel better?
Kyle: No!
Chef: Oh, come on children, what can be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day.
Stan: Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
Chef: What?!? [tosses a food tray aside and runs to the other side of the counter] What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, damn it!
Stan (Kyle's voice): Our teacher won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up.
Cartman: You are making it up!
Chef: Uh—You, you can pretend you're sick. They'll send you home if you're sick.
Kyle: Nurse McSchwartz won't send you home unless you have a fever!
Chef: Uhuh-a fever. Uuuh... hold on now, hold on now. [wanders away, talking to himself] Uhyouyouyou've got tuh help the children.
Cartman: You guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!
Chef: [bringing some tamales] Okay. Okay. Just... each of you eat one of these. They're Chef's special extra-hot tamales. They'll raise your temperature long enough to get you all out of school.
Stan: Rad! Killer! Thanks, Chef. [they exit]
Chef: Just be careful with those, now. They'll make you breathe fire!
[The playground. Background music is heard. The boys are watching Pip as he prepares to go down he slide]
Pip: Are you quite sure it's safe?
Cartman: Yeah, it's just a slide, Pip. Don't be such a wuss. [Pip slides down and hits one of the swing's supports. Kenny, on a swing, laughs]
Pip: [blood oozing through his cap] Ohoho dear, I cracked me noggin'.
Stan: Heh-heh. Good one, dumb-ass.
Cartman: Yeah. [mocking] Why not give it another go, mate? Heh-heh.
Pip: Ohoho. I must flee... to the nurse's office. [runs around a couple of times, then flees...]
Cartman: Goddamn, I hate that kid.
Stan: Okay. You eat your hot tamale first, Kyle.
Kyle: No way, dude, you go first.
Stan: He's your brother!
Kyle: Okay. Here goes...
Cartman: Hey Stan. Here comes Wendy Testaburger.
Stan: Huh, where?
Wendy: Hi, guys.
Kyle/Cartman: Hi, Wendy.
Wendy: Here, Stan. This is for you. [hands Stan a note. Stan throws up.] Eww!
Kyle/Cartman: Bye, Wendy.
Kyle: Dude, what does the note say?
Stan: Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
Kyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny: (or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her)
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat? [Silence, Kenny waits to see if the other guys got the message, then laughs. The rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant]
Cartman: I get it.
Big boy: [appears before the boys] What are you girrls doing? [suspenseful music comes up]
Cartman: Oh, sonofabitch, the fifth graders.
Kyle: [nervously] Uhhhh, we're about to eat tamales.
Big boy: Give 'em to me!
Stan: You don't want them. They're really hot.
Big boy: Well, then I wanna see the fat kid eat 'em all.
Cartman: Huh?
Big boy: Go on, fatty, eat 'em.
Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!
Big boy: Eat 'em all.
Stan: He doesn't have to.
Big boy: Do it, or else we'll beat up your friends. [Stan and Kyle quickly hand their tamales to Cartman]
Stan: Wow, I guess you don't have a choice, fat boy.
Cartman: Ah dude, weak.
Big boy: Go on, kid. [Cartman proceeds to munch away on all four, and the fifth graders laugh at him] Look at him! That's funny!
Kyle: Why don't you guys pick on somebody else?
Big boy: Why don't you make us, shrimp?
Cartman: You guys. I don't feel so good... [stomach growls]
Big boy: Come on, guys, let's beat these little runts silly. [they close in on the boys. Cartman farts, and fire streams out of his ass]
Cartman: Ow, my ass! [the fifth graders are suddenly afraid]
Kyle: Damn, Cartman.
Big boy: Hey, wu-what's the matter with him?
Cartman: [farting fire] Oh 'scuse me. Oooww, my aaaaas-aw!
Kyle: Dude, he's farting fire!
Big boy: Let's get outta here! [the fifth graders stumble away]
Stan: Good job, Cartman!
Cartman: Huh. Eh. Yeah, that's right, I'm pretty tough, huh? [farts fire again] Goddammit!
Kyle: Hey, wait a minute. This is our lucky break.
[Nurse's Office]
Pip: [his hair thoroughly soaked with blood] ...And I hit me head... on the concrete.
Nurse McSchwartz: Oh, it's not that bad. You just need a little antiseptic. [three dabs, and a plaster]
Kyle: Nurse McSchwartz, our friend is really sick. We have to take him home.
McSchwartz: Well, why don't ya get up on the table.
Pip: Oh, bother. I do hate to see another child in pain.
Stan: Shut up, Pip.
McSchwartz: Young man, [Cartman gets up on the table] we do not say "shut up" [he bumps Pip off] in school. [he gives a long sigh of relief. The nurse turns to him] Are you sure you're not faking? You know your friends Stan and Kyle pretend to be sick a lot.
Stan: Hey! This time it's different. Our friend is really sick.
McSchwartz: Well, I'll take his temperature and see if he has a fever. [As she nears the thermometer to Cartman's mouth, he imagines her as an alien in nurse's wig and attire, then flashes back to the operation the aliens performed on him the night before]
Cartman: Oh! [bites the thermometer's tip off and the nurse's finger]
McSchwartz: Ouch! That's it! You boys get back to class and stop wasting my time, or I'm gonna write an office referral.
Cartman: [farts a rolling ball of fire] Ow, my ass!
McSchwartz: [now horrified] Oh my God!
Cartman: Excuse me.
Stan/Kyle/Kenny: We told you!
McSchwartz: Well, what the hell is wrong with you?
Stan: Oh, nothing. He's just shooting balls of fire out his ass.
Kyle: So, can we get out of school and take him home now? [Cartman farts fire again]
McSchwartz: Yes. Yes. Just get him the hell away from me! [the boys leave]
Pip: Oh, dear. I do hope he'll be okay.
McSchwartz: Shut up, Pip.
Pip: Right-o.
[Downtown]
Boys: We got out of school
No more school today
We got out of school...
Cartman: [interrupting the song with a fiery fart] Oh!! You guys, my ass, seriously..!
Stan: Okay, Cartman, we got out of school, you can stop farting fire now.
Cartman: I would if I could, you son of a bitch!
Kyle: Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?
Cartman:

Uh—Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien control! [a radio wave strikes Cartman and he gets big blushy cheeks and starts to sing like Al Jolson.]

I love to sing-a
About the moon-a and June-a and the spring-a
I love to sing-a
About a sky of blue-a or a tea or a two-a...

[A second radio wave reverts him to normal and all is quiet. Dogs bark in the background]

Stan: What the hell was that?
Kyle: He is under alien control. Cartman is linked up to the visitors!
Cartman: Ah, son of a bitch! [jarring piano chord for a moment]
[Start of act three.]
Cartman: You guys, shut up, I'm not under alien control.
Kyle: [Into Cartman's ear. His voice echoes] Hey!
Cartman: Uh...
Kyle: If you visitors can hear me...
Cartman: Hey...
Kyle: ...bring me back my little brother, goddammit!
Cartman: Ow! That hurts, you buttlicker!
Stan: [notices spaceship hovering overhead] Kyle, look! It's them.
Kyle: Give me back my brother! [He throws a rock at the spaceship. Spaceship fires back with a flash of light, hitting Kenny and knocking him into the road]
Kenny: (Ohhh nooo! Aagghh!)
Stan: Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards! Come back here! Come back! [the spaceship leaves] Dammit, we were so close!
Stan: Hey look, [Kenny gets up] I think Kenny's okay.
Kenny: (Don't worry, I'm alright. Agghh!) [fleeing cows run over Kenny. After a moment he gets up] (Nope, I'm fine. Agh!) [Officer Barbrady mows him down. Kenny ends up along the curb, lifeless. The boys approach]
Stan: Wow, poor Kenny.
Kyle: Now do you believe us, Cartman?
Cartman: No!
Stan: Didn't you see the UFO?
Cartman: No!
Kyle: Cartman, they killed Kenny!
Cartman: He's not dead.
Stan: Dude, Kenny is dead! [picks up a stick and hits Kenny's bloody body] See?
Cartman: Shut up, you guys.
Kyle: He's dead, Cartman. [pulls Kenny's head off]
Cartman: Goddammit, I didn't have an anal probe! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.
Kyle: Go on and go home, you fat chicken!
Cartman: Dildo!
Kyle: You're all I have left, Stan.
Stan: Sorry, dude, I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger.
Kyle: You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared... up there all alone. You gotta help me dude! [Rats feast upon Kenny's body.]
Stan: Dude, like Chef says, "I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot".
Kyle: Thanks a lot, dildo! [rats roll Kenny's head away] Rats.
[Cartman's house]
Ms. Cartman: Hello, Eric.
Cartman: Hi, Mom.
Ms. Cartman: How are you doing?
Cartman: Well, I'm pissed off!
Ms. Cartman: Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise.
Cartman: I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise! All the kids at school call me fat.
Ms. Cartman: You're not fat, you're big-boned.
Cartman: That's what I said.
Ms. Cartman: You can have an insy weensy bit, can't you?
Cartman: No!
Ms. Cartman: Just a weensy insy woo woo?
Cartman: No! Leave me alone, Mom!
Ms. Cartman: Okay. How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then?
Cartman: What? Well, that does sound pretty good. [he sits on the sofa while his mom goes off to get the pie] Uh, Mom?
Ms. Cartman: Yes, hon?
Cartman: If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?
Ms. Cartman: Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?
Cartman: Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs.
[Stark's Pond]
Kyle: Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the visitors now.
Stan: But her note said she'd be here.
Wendy: Hi, Stan. [Stan throws up.] Eww!
Kyle: You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.
Wendy: But why Stan? [Stan tries to hold it in, but then pukes] Eww!
Kyle: Look, can you guys just get down to business so I can go find my little brother?
Wendy: Huh?
Kyle: Just make sweet love down by the fire.
Wendy: What happened to your little brother?
[Cartman's house]
Mr. Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: [notices Mr. Kitty eyeing his pot pie] No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie.
Mr. Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No Kitty, that's a bad Kitt--!
Mr. Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No Kitty, it's mah pot pie! [Kitty hisses] Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
Ms. Cartman: Well, then I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with mommy tonight.
Cartman: What?
[Stark's Pond]
Kyle: ... And now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed.
Wendy: Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?
Kyle: Why?
Wendy: Well, it's obvious that the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, and it's linked to the visitors somehow. Maybe you can use him as bait to get 'em back.
Kyle: Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman.
Wendy: Come on, Stan. [Stan pukes again] Eww! [walks away]
Stan: Hey, wait, when do I get to make sweet love? [A bird flies into his puke and starts waddling around in it]
[Cartman's house]
Mr. Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, Kitty, you can't have any!
Mr. Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie. Bad Kitt--! [Cartman farts fire, setting the cat ablaze] Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty.
Ms. Cartman: [enters the room with Kyle, Stan and Wendy] Eric, look who's here.
Cartman: Dude, weak, Mom!
Kyle: Come on Eric, we're going to go play at the bus stop.
Cartman: I can't, my Mom said...
Ms. Cartman: That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends.
Cartman: [whining] But Mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends.
Ms. Cartman: Don't be difficult, Eric! Now you go out and play in the fun snow.
Cartman: Oh, goddammit! [Mr. Kitty then runs by in flames]
[Forest at night. Cartman's right foot is tied to a tree]
Cartman: You guys, I have to get home.
Stan: Don't be such a 'fraidy cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.
Cartman: [kicks his foot to try to get loose] Oh, man, this sucks.
Kyle: How come the visitors aren't coming for him?
Stan: I think we have to signal them somehow.
Cartman: [farts fire] Ow!
Wendy: Hey, he's like Rudolph.
Kyle: Yeah! All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the visitors are sure to come!
Cartman: Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
Kyle: Sure you do!
Stan: Come on Cartman, fart!
Cartman: I don't wanna.
Stan: He can't hold it in forever.
Kyle: Fart, damn you!
Cartman: Come on, you guys, it's supper time! I bet my mom is worried sick.
[Cartman's house. Mom is serving dinner. This is the only time Cartman's father and sister are seen, since they have been removed from the official pilot and subsequent episodes]
Ms. Cartman: [hums as she brings a salad bowl over. She gasps] Wait a minute. Something's missing. Oh yeah, the gravy. [She backs away and a burnt Mr. Kitty hops onto the table]
[Forest.]
Cartman: Untie me!
Stan: Well, looks like they're not gonna come, Kyle. [two beams of light sweep across the woods. The chilling music resumes.] What is that?!
Cartman: Ah, son of a bitch! [end of act three.]
[Chef drives up with music blaring from his radio. The two beams of light were just his headlights]
Kyle: Aw, it's just Chef in his town and country.
Chef: What's goin' on, children?
Stan: We're trying to lure the visitors back, but it's not working.
Kyle: I'll never see my little brother again! Waagghh!!!
Chef: There there, Kyle. Can I offer you some advice?
Kyle: [sniffles] Sure.
Chef: I'm gonna make love to ya woman
Gonna lay you down by the fire...
Stan: Chef!!
Chef: Huh?
Stan: We need help signaling the aliens.
Chef: Oh, right. Ey! Alien visitor-people! Down here! [Cartman hisses] Come on now! Nice juicy fat kid!
Cartman: Goddammit, I'm not fat!
Stan: Come on, visitors. You can give him another anal probe.
Cartman: Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! I'm sick of it! [a mother ship rises up behind him] It's completely immature. [realizes the ship is there] Oh, God-dammit!
Chef: I'm gettin' the hell outta here! [splits. Stan, Kyle, and Wendy are in awe of the ship]
Cartman: Hey! [Chef drives off. A tractor beam is locked on Cartman] Whaaa..?!
Mr. Garrison: [driving by, he stops] What the--? I tell you, there are some crazy stuff going on in this town.
Mr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Kyle (Stan's voice): Come down here, you stinking aliens! [Four aliens appear] Uh, uh...
Stan: Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back.
Kyle: Vi- Visitors, this morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... is a pretty special thing.
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.
Stan: That was beautiful, dude.
Kyle: Did it work?
Stan: No, they're leaving.
Kyle: Hey, you scrawny ass shithead, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Kyle: You know what you assholes like, you like to **** and sh** and **** and **** and **** and ****!
Stan: Hey Wendy, what's a ****? [she shrugs]
Ike: [The spaceship door opens] Help me doy tair.
Kyle: Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!
Ike: Don't harm me.
Kyle: I promise I'll be nice to you, Ike! I won't even kick the baby!
Ike: It's my turn! [dives into the snow. Suddenly, back at the tree, the spaceship pulls Cartman up, but the rope keeps him grounded.]
Cartman: You guys, get me down from here! [farts fire, burns the rope. The tractor beam takes him into the ship and the spaceship flies away.] Ow! Help! Sons o'bitches! Dildos!
Stan: Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle: Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike.
Ike: Oh, he fly out of the sky.
Kyle: Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner.
Stan: Thanks for your help, Wendy.
Wendy: Whatever, dude.
Stan: Hey, I didn't throw up.
Wendy: Cool! [She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and that music plays again. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy]
Stan: Bleech! [right on her face]
Wendy: Eww!
Stan: Sorry.
Wendy: Hey, look. A French fry.
Stan: Cool.
Wendy: And what is that?
Stan: I think it's part of a Cheesy Poof. [Chef's song starts up and the camera pulls away.]
Wendy: Hey, what's that?
Stan: That's... a hamburger from... that's from, like, two days ago.
Wendy: Hey, what about that?
Stan: I don't know what the hell that is...
[Bus Stop, next day]
Stan: Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around.
Kyle: Yeah, we're running out of friends.
Kenny: (Hi guys, what's goin' on?)
Stan: Oh. Hey Kenny.
Kyle: Heyy-you're looking pretty good, Kenny.
Kenny: (Thanks!)
Barbrady: [passing by] I just want you boys to know that absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happened here in South Park last night.
Kyle: We know about the visitors, Officer Barbrady. You don't have to cover them up to us.
Barbrady: Visitors? Huhuhuh. That's a hoot! Say, you guys haven't seen a herd of cattle around here, have you?
Stan: No. Did you ask those people over there? [four aliens are seen in a field of cattle carcasses. Three of them are wearing hats, and the fourth is wearing a chef's hat, flipping a burger on the barbecue grill. The one on the far right is holding a drink]
Barbrady: Yeah, they didn't know anything. Take care, boys. Okay, bye. [drives away]
Ike [skipping into view] Umpresestere.
Kyle: Dude! Ike, you can't come to school with me! [Ike hops to Kenny] I'm not going through all that again.
Stan: He seems to be his normal self.
Kyle: Yeah. You know, I still can't believe how upset I was when I thought he would be gone for good. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby. [Kyle punts Ike across the road, but this time Ike ends up crashing through a window]
Ms. Cartman: What the? Ungh—Now, who would kick a baby through my window?
Cartman: [falls out of the sky and lands next to Kyle and Stan.] Puh..!
Stan: Oh, hey Cartman.
Kyle: Wow Cartman, the visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school.
Cartman: Ahh-feel like-uh so weak, eh.
Stan: What a grand adventure this has been.
Pip: God bless us, every one. [grins]
Cartman: That's it. Soon as I can walk again, I'm gonna kick that kid's ass..! [Pip is still grinning]
[End of The Unaired Pilot.]


  "The Unaired Pilot" edit
The Unaired Pilot

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