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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Ike Broflovski
  • Chef
  • Ms. Crabtree
  • Farmer Carl
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Hat
  • Pip Pirrip
  • Train Conductor
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Liane Cartman
  • Nurse McSchwartz
  • Fifth graders
  • Special appearances by several cows and Aliens

Script

The Unaired Pilot
At the bus stop
Boy

School day, school day, teacher's golden ru--

Kyle
Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again.
Ike
Ee gko zeeponanner.
Kyle
Ike, you can't come to school with me. [Ike chortles and skips over to Cartman]
Cartman
Yeah, go home, you little dildo.
Kyle
Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan
What's a dildo?
Kyle
Well, I don't know... and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either.
Cartman
I know what it means!
Kyle
Well, what?
Cartman
I'm not telling you.
Stan
What's a dildo, Kenny?
Kenny
(It's a giant stick that goes inside the mom's vagina) [Laughter]
Cartman
Huh, yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right! [Kyle swings Ike by his feet, knocking Cartman down] Ow! [Ike laughs]
Stan
Dude! That kicks ass!
Kyle
Yeah, check this one out. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike
Don't kick the baby.
Kyle
Kick the baby. [Kyle kicks Ike, and Ike mows down four mailboxes. Cartman yawns]
Stan
Whoa, Cartman! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
Cartman
Oh, dude. That's 'cause I was having these... bogus nightmares.
Kyle
Really? What about?
Cartman
Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed... [the dream sequence begins] in the dark, when all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room. [through his window, one can see a spaceship land and its light stream in] Then slowly my bedroom door begin to open, [an alien peeks inside] and then the next thing I remember I was being drug through a hallway. ["Weeaak!"] Then I was lying on a table, [face down, and aliens lower his pajamas] and these scary hands wanted to operate on me. [back to reality] And they had big heads and big black eyes...
Stan
Dude! Visitors!
Kyle
Totally!
Cartman
What?
Stan
That wasn't a dream, Cartman, those were visitors!
Cartman
No, it was just a dream, my mom said so.
Stan
Visitors are real.
Kyle
Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows.
Cartman
Oh, shut up guys! You're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working.
Chef
[drives up and gets out of the car] Hello there, children.
Boys
Hey, Chef.
Stan
What's going to be for lunch today, Chef?
Chef
Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley.
Cartman
Kick ass.
Chef
Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night?
Cartman
[surprised] Huh??
Kyle
Yeah, fat boy saw it!
Cartman
Eh, no, that, that was just a dream. And I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
Chef
Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?
Cartman
Oh!
Stan
They took him on their ship.
Chef
Oh! Did they give you an anal probe?
Cartman
Oh!
Kyle
What's an anal probe?
Chef
That's when they put a big metal hooba-jube up yo' butt.
Kyle
Whoa, they gave you an anal probe, Cartman?
Cartman
No! Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that?
Stan
Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!
Cartman
No!
Ike
Eneh probe.
Cartman
Shut up, dildo!
Chef
Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control. [Chef walks back to his car, there is a picture of an alien with a quote "BELIEVE" on his shirt. Chef drives off.]
Cartman
[in shock] Oh!
Kyle
We told you they were real, Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass.
Cartman
God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream! [The bus pulls up and the boys board it]
Kyle
Why are you walkin' so funny Cartman?
Cartman
Shut up!
Ike
[waddles by] On foo bo phenenuh bebe.
Kyle
No, Ike, go home.
Ike
Eeeeee!
Kyle
This is it, this ones for the game.
Ike
Purplor.
Kyle
Kick the baby! [He kicks Ike, who flies through the first window of the school bus and crashes out through the other side.]
Student
Good one!
On the Bus
Stan
Good morning, Miss Crabtree.
Ms. Crabtree
Sit down! We're runnin' late! [The bus starts to drive down the road, leaving Ike behind at the bus stop. Kyle is kneeling on the seat looking back at him.]
Kyle
Damn it, he's still there.
Stan
Oh, don't worry about him.
Kyle
No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me.
Ms. Crabtree
Sit down back there!! Arrrgggghhh!!
Kyle
Ike! Go home!
Ms. Crabtree
I said sit dowwwwn!
Stan
Yeah, whatever ya fat bitch.
Ms. Crabtree
What did you say?
Stan
I said I have a bad itch.
Ms. Crabtree
Oh.
Kyle
Huh! Oh my god! [two aliens are holding Ike]
Stan
[turning to see] Visitors!
Kenny
(Oh my God!)
Kyle
Ike! [runs to the front of the bus] Stop the bus! Miss Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!
Ms. Crabtree
Sit down, kid!
Kyle
But I have to get off!
Ms. Crabtree
Do you want an office referral?
Kyle
No.
Ms. Crabtree
Then sit down!
Kyle
But I...
Ms. Crabtree
Arrgghh!!
Kyle
Argghh!
Kyle/Ms. Crabtree
Arrrrgggghhhh! [Kyle runs back to his seat. Ms. Crabtree has the last word]
Stan
Cartman, are those the same visitors you saw?
Cartman
Shut up, you guys. It's not working.
Kyle
I'm in big trouble, you guys! We have to do something!
Stan
Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us.
Ms. Crabtree
What did you say?!
Stan
Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
Ms. Crabtree
Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do. [she makes a hard right, flinging kids onto the left side of the bus.]
Kyle
What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Stan farts] You farted. [They laugh]
Cartman
Somebody's baking brownies. [Behind the bus, a space craft rises into the sky, then leaves the atmosphere quickly]
Farmer's grazing fields with a mutilated cow
Farmer
This is the third cow this month. At this rate all of my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through. [The cows moo questioningly]
Officer Barbrady
This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time. [The cows shake their heads]
Farmer
People been saying they've been seeing UFOs around.
Barbrady
UFOs? [laughs]
Farmer
Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks, like there's some kind of government cover-up going on.
Barbrady
That is the silliest thing I've ever heard. [Helicopters fly by above him]
Farmer
What was that?
Barbrady
That-that was a pigeon.
Farmer
What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one? [the cows notice something and raise their heads. One alien waves a piece of hay; another one whistles. The cows start running away from them] Hey! My cattle! ["Cattle Ranch" sign falls down.] Well, that's just great! You see? There is somethin' funny goin' on!
Officer Barbrady
There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.
Mr. Garrison's class
Mr. Garrison
And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus.
Mr. Hat
That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a, and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. Then Columbus joined forces with Chewbacca, and fought against Roy Orbison...
Kyle
[whispering] Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling, "Where's your brother, Kyle?" "You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?"...
Stan
[whispering] Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him.
Kyle
[voice rising to an audible level] ..."You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!" "Brush and floss, Kyle!" "Where has that finger been, Kyle?"
Stan
Dude!
Mr. Garrison
Is there a problem, boys?
Kyle
Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?
Kyle
No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens. [silence] It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe.
Cartman
Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh-heh.
Kyle
[walks up to Mr. Garrison's desk] Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison
I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle
[angrily] I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
Mr. Garrison
Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle
Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Hat
Well, Kyle... No!! No, no, no! I'm Mr. Hat and you're-you're a little turd! You hear me?!? You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Mr. Garrison
Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.
Kyle
Dammit!
Mr. Garrison
Okay Mr. Hat, Why don't we talk to the children about Columbus' uterus? ...Mr. Hat? Oh great, now Mr. Hat's all pissed off!
Kyle
Fuck Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat
No no, fuck you. [chilling piano music. The other children stare at Garrison in shock, with their mouths wide open. End of act one.]
Train station. Cows flock in from all around and stand in line, waiting to board the train out of town
Conductor
Hey, you cows can't get on this train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right? 'Cause you're cows. [The cows are all staring at the conductor] No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? It's not gonna work.
Officer Barbrady
[drives by with his lights flashing] Hold it right there, cows! [Cows split up and run off mooing] Come back here! Now then! [pursues them]
Cafeteria
Kid 1
So then I had...
Kid 2
Ya, seriously, killer.
Cartman
[the camera stops and focuses] Oooh, I sure am hungry.
Pip
'Ello gentlemen, any of you blokes know what's for lunch today? [Silence. Stan and Cartman stare back] Lunchy munchies, hmmm?
Cartman
Go away Pip, nobody likes you!
Kyle
Yeah, what kind of name is Pip anyway?
Pip
Well, my father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Phillip, my infant tongue--
Cartman
Goddammit, would you shut the hell up!?! Nobody gives a rat's ass!
Stan
Yeah, go away Pip.
Pip
Right-o. [walks off]
Cartman
Dah, French people piss me off.
Kyle
Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger.
Stan
[gasps] Where? [He finds himself looking right at her. Love music plays while hearts dance around Stan's head. Stan smiles, and it soon goes from ear to ear]
Cartman
[singing] Stan wants to kiss Wendy Testaburger
Stan
Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her.
Cartman
I'm not fat. And you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you.
Stan
I do not.
Kyle
Guys! If I don't get Ike back from the visitors, my parents are gonna disown me. How can you even think of anything else? [the boys walk through a doorway to the cafeteria kitchen hall, where they meet Chef.]
Chef
Hello there, children.
Boys
Hey, Chef.
Chef
How are you doing?
Kyle
Bad.
Chef
Why bad?
Kyle
Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?
Chef

Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up.

I'm gonna make love to ya woman
Gonna lay you down by the fire
And caress your womanly body
Make ya moan and perspire
Gonna...

Stan
Uh, Chef.
Chef

...get those juices flowin'...

Stan
Chef!
Chef

We're makin' love gravy--

Stan
Chef!
Chef

-love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove GRAVIH!

Stan
Chef!!
Chef

...love lo--

Huh? [Silence] Now, do you feel better?
Kyle
No!
Chef
Oh, come on children, what can be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day.
Stan
Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
Chef
What?!? [tosses a food tray aside and runs to the other side of the counter] What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, damn it!
Stan (Kyle's voice)
Our teacher won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up.
Cartman
You are making it up!
Chef
Uh—You, you can pretend you're sick. They'll send you home if you're sick.
Kyle
Nurse McSchwartz won't send you home unless you have a fever!
Chef
Uhuh-a fever. Uuuh... hold on now, hold on now. [wanders away, talking to himself] Uhyouyouyou've got tuh help the children.
Cartman
You guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!
Chef
[bringing some tamales] Okay. Okay. Just... each of you eat one of these. They're Chef's special extra-hot tamales. They'll raise your temperature long enough to get you all out of school.
Stan
Rad! Killer! Thanks, Chef. [they exit]
Chef
Just be careful with those, now. They'll make you breathe fire!
The playground. Background music is heard. The boys are watching Pip as he prepares to go down he slide
Pip
Are you quite sure it's safe?
Cartman
Yeah, it's just a slide, Pip. Don't be such a wuss. [Pip slides down and hits one of the swing's supports. Kenny, on a swing, laughs]
Pip
[blood oozing through his cap] Ohoho dear, I cracked me noggin'.
Stan
Heh-heh. Good one, dumb-ass.
Cartman
Yeah. [mocking] Why not give it another go, mate? Heh-heh.
Pip
Ohoho. I must flee... to the nurse's office. [runs around a couple of times, then flees...]
Cartman
Goddamn, I hate that kid.
Stan
Okay. You eat your hot tamale first, Kyle.
Kyle
No way, dude, you go first.
Stan
He's your brother!
Kyle
Okay. Here goes...
Cartman
Hey Stan. Here comes Wendy Testaburger.
Stan
Huh, where?
Wendy
Hi, guys.
Kyle/Cartman
Hi, Wendy.
Wendy
Here, Stan. This is for you. [hands Stan a note. Stan throws up.] Eww!
Kyle/Cartman
Bye, Wendy.
Kyle
Dude, what does the note say?
Stan
Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
Kyle
Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman
Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny
(or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her)
Stan
What? How do you know she has a cat? [Silence, Kenny waits to see if the other guys got the message, then laughs. The rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant]
Cartman
I get it.
Big boy
[appears before the boys] What are you girrls doing? [suspenseful music comes up]
Cartman
Oh, sonofabitch, the fifth graders.
Kyle
[nervously] Uhhhh, we're about to eat tamales.
Big boy
Give 'em to me!
Stan
You don't want them. They're really hot.
Big boy
Well, then I wanna see the fat kid eat 'em all.
Cartman
Huh?
Big boy
Go on, fatty, eat 'em.
Cartman
I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!
Big boy
Eat 'em all.
Stan
He doesn't have to.
Big boy
Do it, or else we'll beat up your friends. [Stan and Kyle quickly hand their tamales to Cartman]
Stan
Wow, I guess you don't have a choice, fat boy.
Cartman
Ah dude, weak.
Big boy
Go on, kid. [Cartman proceeds to munch away on all four, and the fifth graders laugh at him] Look at him! That's funny!
Kyle
Why don't you guys pick on somebody else?
Big boy
Why don't you make us, shrimp?
Cartman
You guys. I don't feel so good... [stomach growls]
Big boy
Come on, guys, let's beat these little runts silly. [they close in on the boys. Cartman farts, and fire streams out of his ass]
Cartman
Ow, my ass! [the fifth graders are suddenly afraid]
Kyle
Damn, Cartman.
Big boy
Hey, wu-what's the matter with him?
Cartman
[farting fire] Oh 'scuse me. Oooww, my aaaaas-aw!
Kyle
Dude, he's farting fire!
Big boy
Let's get outta here! [the fifth graders stumble away]
Stan
Good job, Cartman!
Cartman
Huh. Eh. Yeah, that's right, I'm pretty tough, huh? [farts fire again] Goddammit!
Kyle
Hey, wait a minute. This is our lucky break.
Nurse's Office
Pip
[his hair thoroughly soaked with blood] ...And I hit me head... on the concrete.
Nurse McSchwartz
Oh, it's not that bad. You just need a little antiseptic. [three dabs, and a plaster]
Kyle
Nurse McSchwartz, our friend is really sick. We have to take him home.
McSchwartz
Well, why don't ya get up on the table.
Pip
Oh, bother. I do hate to see another child in pain.
Stan
Shut up, Pip.
McSchwartz
Young man, [Cartman gets up on the table] we do not say "shut up" [he bumps Pip off] in school. [he gives a long sigh of relief. The nurse turns to him] Are you sure you're not faking? You know your friends Stan and Kyle pretend to be sick a lot.
Stan
Hey! This time it's different. Our friend is really sick.
McSchwartz
Well, I'll take his temperature and see if he has a fever. [As she nears the thermometer to Cartman's mouth, he imagines her as an alien in nurse's wig and attire, then flashes back to the operation the aliens performed on him the night before]
Cartman
Oh! [bites the thermometer's tip off and the nurse's finger]
McSchwartz
Ouch! That's it! You boys get back to class and stop wasting my time, or I'm gonna write an office referral.
Cartman
[farts a rolling ball of fire] Ow, my ass!
McSchwartz
[now horrified] Oh my God!
Cartman
Excuse me.
Stan/Kyle/Kenny
We told you!
McSchwartz
Well, what the hell is wrong with you?
Stan
Oh, nothing. He's just shooting balls of fire out his ass.
Kyle
So, can we get out of school and take him home now? [Cartman farts fire again]
McSchwartz
Yes. Yes. Just get him the hell away from me! [the boys leave]
Pip
Oh, dear. I do hope he'll be okay.
McSchwartz
Shut up, Pip.
Pip
Right-o.
Downtown
Boys

We got out of school
No more school today
We got out of school...

Cartman
[interrupting the song with a fiery fart] Oh!! You guys, my ass, seriously..!
Stan
Okay, Cartman, we got out of school, you can stop farting fire now.
Cartman
I would if I could, you son of a bitch!
Kyle
Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?
Cartman


Uh—Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien control! [a radio wave strikes Cartman and he gets big blushy cheeks and starts to sing like Al Jolson.]

I love to sing-a
About the moon-a and June-a and the spring-a
I love to sing-a
About a sky of blue-a or a tea or a two-a...

[A second radio wave reverts him to normal and all is quiet. Dogs bark in the background]

Stan
What the hell was that?
Kyle
He is under alien control. Cartman is linked up to the visitors!
Cartman
Ah, son of a bitch! [jarring piano chord for a moment]
Start of act three.
Cartman
You guys, shut up, I'm not under alien control.
Kyle
[Into Cartman's ear. His voice echoes] Hey!
Cartman
Uh...
Kyle
If you visitors can hear me...
Cartman
Hey...
Kyle
...bring me back my little brother, goddammit!
Cartman
Ow! That hurts, you buttlicker!
Stan
[notices spaceship hovering overhead] Kyle, look! It's them.
Kyle
Give me back my brother! [He throws a rock at the spaceship. Spaceship fires back with a flash of light, hitting Kenny and knocking him into the road]
Kenny
(Ohhh nooo! Aagghh!)
Stan
Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastards! Come back here! Come back! [the spaceship leaves] Dammit, we were so close!
Stan
Hey look, [Kenny gets up] I think Kenny's okay.
Kenny
(Don't worry, I'm alright. Agghh!) [fleeing cows run over Kenny. After a moment he gets up] (Nope, I'm fine. Agh!) [Officer Barbrady mows him down. Kenny ends up along the curb, lifeless. The boys approach]
Stan
Wow, poor Kenny.
Kyle
Now do you believe us, Cartman?
Cartman
No!
Stan
Didn't you see the UFO?
Cartman
No!
Kyle
Cartman, they killed Kenny!
Cartman
He's not dead.
Stan
Dude, Kenny is dead! [picks up a stick and hits Kenny's bloody body] See?
Cartman
Shut up, you guys.
Kyle
He's dead, Cartman. [pulls Kenny's head off]
Cartman
Goddammit, I didn't have an anal probe! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.
Kyle
Go on and go home, you fat chicken!
Cartman
Dildo!
Kyle
You're all I have left, Stan.
Stan
Sorry, dude, I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger.
Kyle
You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared... up there all alone. You gotta help me dude! [Rats feast upon Kenny's body.]
Stan
Dude, like Chef says, "I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot".
Kyle
Thanks a lot, dildo! [rats roll Kenny's head away] Rats.
Cartman's house
Ms. Cartman
Hello, Eric.
Cartman
Hi, Mom.
Ms. Cartman
How are you doing?
Cartman
Well, I'm pissed off!
Ms. Cartman
Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise.
Cartman
I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise! All the kids at school call me fat.
Ms. Cartman
You're not fat, you're big-boned.
Cartman
That's what I said.
Ms. Cartman
You can have an insy weensy bit, can't you?
Cartman
No!
Ms. Cartman
Just a weensy insy woo woo?
Cartman
No! Leave me alone, Mom!
Ms. Cartman
Okay. How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then?
Cartman
What? Well, that does sound pretty good. [he sits on the sofa while his mom goes off to get the pie] Uh, Mom?
Ms. Cartman
Yes, hon?
Cartman
If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?
Ms. Cartman
Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?
Cartman
Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs.
Stark's Pond
Kyle
Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the visitors now.
Stan
But her note said she'd be here.
Wendy
Hi, Stan. [Stan throws up.] Eww!
Kyle
You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.
Wendy
But why Stan? [Stan tries to hold it in, but then pukes] Eww!
Kyle
Look, can you guys just get down to business so I can go find my little brother?
Wendy
Huh?
Kyle
Just make sweet love down by the fire.
Wendy
What happened to your little brother?
Cartman's house
Mr. Kitty
Meow.
Cartman
[notices Mr. Kitty eyeing his pot pie] No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie.
Mr. Kitty
Meow.
Cartman
No Kitty, that's a bad Kitt--!
Mr. Kitty
Meow.
Cartman
No Kitty, it's mah pot pie! [Kitty hisses] Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
Ms. Cartman
Well, then I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with mommy tonight.
Cartman
What?
Stark's Pond
Kyle
... And now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed.
Wendy
Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?
Kyle
Why?
Wendy
Well, it's obvious that the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, and it's linked to the visitors somehow. Maybe you can use him as bait to get 'em back.
Kyle
Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman.
Wendy
Come on, Stan. [Stan pukes again] Eww! [walks away]
Stan
Hey, wait, when do I get to make sweet love? [A bird flies into his puke and starts waddling around in it]
Cartman's house
Mr. Kitty
Meow.
Cartman
No, Kitty, you can't have any!
Mr. Kitty
Meow.
Cartman
No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie. Bad Kitt--! [Cartman farts fire, setting the cat ablaze] Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty.
Ms. Cartman
[enters the room with Kyle, Stan and Wendy] Eric, look who's here.
Cartman
Dude, weak, Mom!
Kyle
Come on Eric, we're going to go play at the bus stop.
Cartman
I can't, my Mom said...
Ms. Cartman
That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends.
Cartman
[whining] But Mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends.
Ms. Cartman
Don't be difficult, Eric! Now you go out and play in the fun snow.
Cartman
Oh, goddammit! [Mr. Kitty then runs by in flames]
Forest at night. Cartman's right foot is tied to a tree
Cartman
You guys, I have to get home.
Stan
Don't be such a 'fraidy cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.
Cartman
[kicks his foot to try to get loose] Oh, man, this sucks.
Kyle
How come the visitors aren't coming for him?
Stan
I think we have to signal them somehow.
Cartman
[farts fire] Ow!
Wendy
Hey, he's like Rudolph.
Kyle
Yeah! All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the visitors are sure to come!
Cartman
Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
Kyle
Sure you do!
Stan
Come on Cartman, fart!
Cartman
I don't wanna.
Stan
He can't hold it in forever.
Kyle
Fart, damn you!
Cartman
Come on, you guys, it's supper time! I bet my mom is worried sick.
Cartman's house. Mom is serving dinner. This is the only time Cartman's father and sister are seen, since they have been removed from the official pilot and subsequent episodes
Ms. Cartman
[hums as she brings a salad bowl over. She gasps] Wait a minute. Something's missing. Oh yeah, the gravy. [She backs away and a burnt Mr. Kitty hops onto the table]
Forest.
Cartman
Untie me!
Stan
Well, looks like they're not gonna come, Kyle. [two beams of light sweep across the woods. The chilling music resumes.] What is that?!
Cartman
Ah, son of a bitch! [end of act three.]
Chef drives up with music blaring from his radio. The two beams of light were just his headlights
Kyle
Aw, it's just Chef in his town and country.
Chef
What's goin' on, children?
Stan
We're trying to lure the visitors back, but it's not working.
Kyle
I'll never see my little brother again! Waagghh!!!
Chef
There there, Kyle. Can I offer you some advice?
Kyle
[sniffles] Sure.
Chef
I'm gonna make love to ya woman
Gonna lay you down by the fire...
Stan
Chef!!
Chef
Huh?
Stan
We need help signaling the aliens.
Chef
Oh, right. Ey! Alien visitor-people! Down here! [Cartman hisses] Come on now! Nice juicy fat kid!
Cartman
Goddammit, I'm not fat!
Stan
Come on, visitors. You can give him another anal probe.
Cartman
Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! I'm sick of it! [a mother ship rises up behind him] It's completely immature. [realizes the ship is there] Oh, God-dammit!
Chef
I'm gettin' the hell outta here! [splits. Stan, Kyle, and Wendy are in awe of the ship]
Cartman
Hey! [Chef drives off. A tractor beam is locked on Cartman] Whaaa..?!
Mr. Garrison
[driving by, he stops] What the--? I tell you, there are some crazy stuff going on in this town.
Mr. Hat
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Kyle (Stan's voice)
Come down here, you stinking aliens! [Four aliens appear] Uh, uh...
Stan
Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back.
Kyle
Vi- Visitors, this morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... is a pretty special thing.
Stan
Yeah.
Kyle
Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.
Stan
That was beautiful, dude.
Kyle
Did it work?
Stan
No, they're leaving.
Kyle
Hey, you scrawny ass shithead, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!
Stan
Whoa, dude!
Kyle
You know what you assholes like, you like to **** and sh** and **** and **** and **** and ****!
Stan
Hey Wendy, what's a ****? [she shrugs]
Ike
[The spaceship door opens] Help me doy tair.
Kyle
Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!
Ike
Don't harm me.
Kyle
I promise I'll be nice to you, Ike! I won't even kick the baby!
Ike
It's my turn! [dives into the snow. Suddenly, back at the tree, the spaceship pulls Cartman up, but the rope keeps him grounded.]
Cartman
You guys, get me down from here! [farts fire, burns the rope. The tractor beam takes him into the ship and the spaceship flies away.] Ow! Help! Sons o'bitches! Dildos!
Stan
Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle
Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike.
Ike
Oh, he fly out of the sky.
Kyle
Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner.
Stan
Thanks for your help, Wendy.
Wendy
Whatever, dude.
Stan
Hey, I didn't throw up.
Wendy
Cool! [She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and that music plays again. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy]
Stan
Bleech! [right on her face]
Wendy
Eww!
Stan
Sorry.
Wendy
Hey, look. A French fry.
Stan
Cool.
Wendy
And what is that?
Stan
I think it's part of a Cheesy Poof. [Chef's song starts up and the camera pulls away.]
Wendy
Hey, what's that?
Stan
That's... a hamburger from... that's from, like, two days ago.
Wendy
Hey, what about that?
Stan
I don't know what the hell that is...
Bus Stop, next day
Stan
Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around.
Kyle
Yeah, we're running out of friends.
Kenny
(Hi guys, what's goin' on?)
Stan
Oh. Hey Kenny.
Kyle
Heyy-you're looking pretty good, Kenny.
Kenny
(Thanks!)
Barbrady
[passing by] I just want you boys to know that absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happened here in South Park last night.
Kyle
We know about the visitors, Officer Barbrady. You don't have to cover them up to us.
Barbrady
Visitors? Huhuhuh. That's a hoot! Say, you guys haven't seen a herd of cattle around here, have you?
Stan
No. Did you ask those people over there? [four aliens are seen in a field of cattle carcasses. Three of them are wearing hats, and the fourth is wearing a chef's hat, flipping a burger on the barbecue grill. The one on the far right is holding a drink]
Barbrady
Yeah, they didn't know anything. Take care, boys. Okay, bye. [drives away]
Ik
[skipping into view] Umpresestere.
Kyle
Dude! Ike, you can't come to school with me! [Ike hops to Kenny] I'm not going through all that again.
Stan
He seems to be his normal self.
Kyle
Yeah. You know, I still can't believe how upset I was when I thought he would be gone for good. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike
Don't kick the baby.
Kyle
Kick the baby. [Kyle punts Ike across the road, but this time Ike ends up crashing through a window]
Ms. Cartman
What the? Ungh—Now, who would kick a baby through my window?
Cartman
[falls out of the sky and lands next to Kyle and Stan.] Puh..!
Stan
Oh, hey Cartman.
Kyle
Wow Cartman, the visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school.
Cartman
Ahh-feel like-uh so weak, eh.
Stan
What a grand adventure this has been.
Pip
God bless us, every one. [grins]
Cartman
That's it. Soon as I can walk again, I'm gonna kick that kid's ass..! [Pip is still grinning]
End of The Unaired Pilot


  "The Unaired Pilot" edit
The Unaired Pilot

ImagesScriptVideo Of Unaired Plot