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The official script for "The Succubus" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Eric Cartman
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Hat
  • Liane Cartman
  • Priest Maxi
  • Mr. Derp
  • Thomas McElroy
  • Nellie McElroy
  • Veronica
  • Dr. Lott
  • Steingburg & Burgstein Accountants

Script

The Succubus
The optometrist's office. A penguin sits above the OPTOMETRIST sign. Liane and Cartman are waiting in the lobby. Liane reads a magazine. A poster off to one side reads "Real eyes the beauty within.”
Cartman
Mom, please can we just leave?
Liane
You have to see the eye doctor, Eric.
Cartman
But I hate the eye doctor. He always makes fun of me for being fat.
Liane
You're not fat, you're big-boned.
Cartman
That's what I told him, but he doesn't listen to reason.
Doctor's assistant
[at the door, flatly] Eric Cartman. [a poster behind her looks like her]
Cartman
[enters the examination room] Weak. [the assistant follows him in to close the door.]
Inside, Cartman stops.
Optometrist
Hello, Eric.
Cartman
[resigned] Hi, Doctor Lout.
Dr. Lott
How's my little piggy today?
Cartman
[points his finger at him] Ey! Don't call me a little piggy!
Dr. Lott
I just say that because you're my little buddy.
Cartman
I'm just here for an eye exam, all right?! Keep the fat jokes to yourself!
Dr. Lott
Hop up on the chair. [Cartman hops up] Don't break it now!
Cartman
[turns around and sits] God damn it!
Dr. Lott
Just kidding. Let's see how your eyes are doing. [lowering a refractor to Cartman's eyes] All you have to do is read the letters. Can you see the letters?
Cartman
Yes.
Dr. Lott
All right, read them out for me.
Cartman
I am a little piggy. Ey! [the optometrist laughs. Cartman stands up on the chair and pushes the refractor away.] That does it! Mom!
Dr. Lott
No no. That, that was just a weird coincidence. [voice fades as he removes the card from the refractor] I do not know how that happened. [reads the card] "I am a little piggy." Wow! What are the odds of that? [throws it away] All right, let's get down to business, shall we? [places the refractor back on Cartman's face.]
Cartman
Oh gee! That's a good idea! My mom isn't paying you to be a comedian!
Dr. Lott
[begins to calibrate] Hmm, let's see, which is better: one, or two? One, or two?
Cartman
They look exactly the same.
Dr. Lott
Just pick one. Or two.
Cartman
I don't know, two!
Dr. Lott
[flips between two women] Okay. One, or two? One, or two?
Cartman
Uh, one.
Dr. Lott
[flips between an apple and a tall slice of chocolate cake] One, or two? One, or two?
Cartman
[chooses the cake] Two.
Dr. Lott
No! The answer is one, piggy! One! [hits Cartman through the refractor]
Cartman
Ow! I hate you!
Dr. Lott
[removes the refractor] Yes, there is obviously a problem with your eyes. I am gonna have to dilate them and run some tests.
Lunchtime at the school cafeteria. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand in line to get their lunches.
Kyle
I wonder how come Cartman's not in school today?
Stan
Yeah. Usually when he ditches school, he still shows up for lunch.
Kenny
Maybe he took a dump and got sick. [the others laugh]
Kyle
Yeah. [sees Cartman] Oh, here he comes.
Cartman
[with very dilated pupils] Hey dudes.
Stan
[squints hard for a better look] Whoa, what happened to your eyes, Cartman? [Kyle blinks hard]
Cartman
My asshole eye doctor made them all dilevated.
Kyle
Why?
Cartman
Why? I'll tell you why! Because he's a God-damned asshole, aaand, that's about it!
Stan
Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
Cartman
Because my eyes suck. But that doctor likes to torture me and I have to go back tomorrow, and I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Kyle
Dude, just ask Chef for help. He always knows what to do.
Cartman
Hey, yeah! [The four enter the kitchen, but Cartman runs into the entrance and falls on his way in.] Ow!
The kitchen. The boys approach the lunch counter.
The Boys
Hey Chef!
Mr. Derp
[wearing a hairnet and cook's cap] Hello there, children.
Cartman
[rubs his eyes] Dude, my eyes are seriously screwed up. Chef looks like a skinny little white guy.
Mr. Derp
It's time for lunch-e-roo.
Stan
Where's Chef?
Mr. Derp
Chef quit.
The Boys
What?!
Mr. Derp
Chef is gone. So let my introduce myself. I'm your new cook, Mr. Derp. [ta-daaa!]
Kyle
Mr. Derp?
Mr. Derp
When I'm in the kitchen, you never know what nutty things are gonna happen. If you like Chef, you're gonna love Mr. Derp. [ta-daaa! Mr. Derp hits himself with a hammer and toddles] Ooo! Derp! [falls to the floor, then gets up] Derp! O-hoh wasn't that silly kids? [laughs, but the boys aren't impressed]
Stan
Why did Chef quit?
Mr. Derp
Aren't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone. [takes out a tiny cannon and shoots himself with it. His face is full of gunpowder] Oh, I don't feel so good. [laughs] Derp!
Stan
[after a moment of silence] Could you just hand us some food please?
Mr. Derp
Sure gang! I have yellow stuff or white stuff, huh. Derp!
Cartman
Can I have the yellow with a side of white?
The boys reenter the cafeteria with their lunches.
Kyle
Dude! I hate Mr. Derp!
Stan
Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef after school and get him to come back.
Cartman
I don't know, you guys. That hammer thing was pretty funny. [chuckles]
Kyle
[looks back] Shut up, Cartman!
Chef's house. The boys reach the front door.
Cartman
[runs into the door] Ow!
Chef
[wrapped in a lavender towel, opens the door] Oh! Hello there, children!
Stan
Chef, what the hell are you doing? We almost starved to death at lunch today.
Chef
Oh! Didn't they tell you? I quit.
Kyle
Yeah, but we didn't believe them.
Chef
Well, it's true.
Stan
But why? Why would you quit?
Chef
Children, three nights ago I was at the library checking out some books on Kama Sutra when I met the most amazing woman ever. She knew so much about so many things. She really got me thinking. We eventually came back to my place and really hit it off.
Stan
So you made sweet love to her down by the fire.
Chef
No no, we just sat there all night long and... taaalked.
Stan
Talked?!
Chef
Yeah. She told me all about the powers of goddess, and how men have been oppressing women for years and viewing them as sexual objects, and I realized that I had done that myself.
Woman
[walks up and looks out] Oh! What darling little children.
Chef
Here she is now. Children, meet my new girlfriend, Veronica.
Stan
[ignoring that statement] That's nice. Look Chef, Cartman's got this eye doctor, see, and he- Girlfriend?!
Chef
Children, Veronica is moving in with me.
Kyle
Moving in?!
Chef
I'm in love.
Boys
Love?!
Veronica
Oh, you knight. [cuddles Chef]
Stan
What the hell is going on?!
Chef
Veronica spent the whole day sharing her favorite poems with me.
Veronica
[teasing] Sorry boys, looks like I'm stealing Chef away from you.
Kyle
But Chef always helps us with our problems. When we have a problem, Chef sings to us and makes it better.
Chef
Well, I can still do that, children. In fact, Veronica can help me. She's a great singer, too.
Veronica
What's the problem?
Cartman
My eyes are going bad, but the only eye doctor in South Park is really, really mean.
Veronica

Oh, I know just the song for you.
[reaches behind the door and pulls out a guitar. She starts to play it]
There's got to be a morning after
if we can hold on to the night
[the boys are shocked, and Kenny pulls his hood tight]

Chef
[blandly] We have a chance to find the sunshine.
Chef, Veronica
Kyle
This... is insane. ["Oh, can't you see the-"]
On the sidewalk. The boys walk away from Chef's house.
Kyle
That bitch!
Stan
She's stealing Chef from us.
Kyle
She didn't even seem like Chef. He seemed like a empty shell of a man.
Cartman
Maybe it's just a phase. We just have to get him alone so we can tell him what a bitch she is.
Stan
Wait you guys. [pensive] Maybe, is it possible that we're just jealous because Chef is our friend, and now he's paying attention to somebody new? [the others think about it...]
Kyle
Yeah, so?
Stan
...Yeah, screw that bitch.
Cartman
Bitch, I hate that bitch!
Kyle
Look, we've just gotta get Chef alone. He won't listen to reason with that hooker around.
Stan
Let's find out where he's working and go see him there tomorrow.
Kyle
Good idea.
The optometrist's office. Dr. Lott sits in the examination room holding a clipboard.
Dr. Lott
All right, we got the test results back, piggy-
Cartman
[sits on the chair, his pupils normal again] Stop calling me piggy!
Dr. Lott
You've got a small astigmatism that's causing all the problems.
Cartman
So, what does that mean?
Dr. Lott
It means, piggy, that your eyesight is never going to get better.
Cartman
[seething] All right. Right now, I'm gonna be totally serious, dude. Okay? If you call me piggy one more time, I'm gonna leap out of this chair [throws a fit] and rip your god-damned nuts off with my bare hands!
Dr. Lott
Well, don't worry. I've got something that's going to make your eyes as good as new. [puts a pair of blocky glasses on Cartman]
Cartman
[after seeing how they look and fit] Oh, dude! Super weak! I'm not wearing these; the guys would totally rip on me.
Dr. Lott
I know, the hardest thing to do is get kids to wear their glasses.
Cartman
I'm just gonna take them off as soon as I leave!
Dr. Lott
That's why we have the little stapler. [takes it out and starts stapling the glasses to Cartman's head]
Cartman
Ow! Son of a bitch!
The streets of South Park. The boys, without Cartman, are in the business district looking…
Kyle
They said that Chef works in one of these buildings [the boys run into Cartman in front of Steinburg & Burgstein Accounting.
Cartman
Hey dudes. [the others study him, then laugh. Cartman is hurt, but jabs] Ha ha ha ha! Look at Cartman and his stupid glasses! Ha ha ha ha!
Kyle
Dude! Just take them off!
Cartman
I can't! They're stapled to my head! [they study him again, then laugh harder.] I hate you guys.
Inside. The boys enter and see the receptionist.
Receptionist
Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein. Can I help you?
Stan
We wanna talk to Chef.
Receptionist
Chef?
Kyle
He's a big guy, with a beard.
Stan
And a chef hat.
Kenny
(And a real huge dick.)
Receptionist
Oh! The black guy!
Stan
Huh?
Receptionist
Third cubicle on the left [directs them to the work area, where Chef's hat can be seen, but stops Cartman] Hey! Aren't you that cute little kid from Jerry Maguire?
Cartman
[dismissively] Uh, yeah, sure sure.
Receptionist
Wow! You really got fat.
Cartman
Ey!
The boys reach Chef's cubicle.
Chef
Hello there, children.
Hey, Chef.
Dialog
Chef
Eric, you got glasses!
Stan
Chef, you have to dump the bitch!
Chef
Huh?
Kyle
We need you, Chef.
Man
[pops up from another cubicle] Hey, Chef-o, we're gonna run down to the office supply store and get some leather holders for our pagers, you wanna come?
Chef
You bet! [the guy grins]
Kyle
Chef, this place isn't you!
Chef
Children, Veronica showed me that I've been living a very empty life. Meaningless sex is fun for twenty or thirty years, but after that, it starts to get old.
Stan
But we don't like her.
Chef
Why not??
Stan
I don't know-uh. No reason I guess.
Chef
Children, friends get girlfriends all the time. It's something even you will have to face with each other some day.
Kyle
No way, dude!
Cartman
Please, Chef! I don't know what to do about my stupid glasses.
Chef
That's easy! Get some laser corrective surgery. That's what I did.
Cartman
Hey! Laser corrective surgery! Thanks Chef!
Chef
You see? Everything's gonna be fine. Now how about I meet you boys after work and we can play ball?
Kids
Okay!
The bus stop. The boys wait for Chef. Cartman carries a bat in his right hand and a baseball in his left.
Kyle
Chef should be here any minute.
The day passes into night, and Kenny falls asleep. Rats gather and nibble on him. The others stand watch waiting for Chef, but there's no sign of him. The night turns to day, and still no Chef. Kenny wakes up...
Stan
[pissed] Dude! He bailed on us!
Kyle
[pissed] I can't believe it!
Stan
Come on! We're going to his house! [they leave the bus stop]
Chef's house, inside. There's a knock on the door and Chef answers. The boys stand outside, angry.
Chef
Oh! Uh, hello there, children.
Kyle
All right, mister! You better have a good explanation for why you didn't show up to play ball!
Chef
Oh, children, I'm sorry. I forgot.
Stan
[sarcastic] You forgot!
Chef
Veronica surprised me at the office and took me out to dinner. [dreamy] She's so amazing.
Kyle
Well, we've got something to tell you about Veronica, Chef!
Veronica
[appears behind Chef] Hello, children!
Cartman
Ma'am, we're having a dude moment here, if you don't mind?
Chef
Children, I've got some great news for you. Veronica and I are getting married. [a dramatic riff signals the boys' alarm]
Stan
Oh no! No nononononono!
Chef
My whole family's coming here for the wedding, and I want you boys to come, too.
Veronica
This is so wonderful! Let's sing! [gets the guitar]

There's got to be a morning after.

Chef
[blandly] If we can hold on through the night.

[the boys are truly shocked] We have a chance to find the sunshine.

South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class.
Mr. Garrison
And that, children, is what you need to know about The Facts Of Life. So, let's review. [writes a diagram on the board] Tootie left in the fourth season, but Blair and Jo stayed on and got husbands, leaving the fifth and sixth seasons hideously stagnant. [the bell rings] Okay children, that's lunch. See you in thirty minutes. [the class leaves, but the boys walk up to Garrison]
Kyle
Mr. Garrison, can we talk to you?
Mr. Garrison
Sure.
Stan
Normally we go to Chef with our problems, but wuh we can't this time.
Mr. Garrison
[asserting himself] Well children, I am your teacher. I think you'll find that my advice is just as valuable as Chef's, if not more so.
Kyle
All right. Mr. Garrison, have you ever had a friend who got a new girlfriend, and then stopped being your friend, and it pissed you off?
Mr. Garrison
Oh, the old succubus syndrome.
Stan
What's a succubus?
Mr. Garrison
A succubus is a woman sent from Hell to suck the life out of a man.
Kyle
That's it!
Stan
Yeah!
Mr. Garrison
Yeah, there's not much you can do about a succubus. Their evil power makes man blind to love.
Kyle
This is totally what's happening!
Stan
Wow, you are smart, Mr. Garrison!
Mr. Garrison
Yeah, I tell you boys, women can kill. Poontang's expensive. That's why when it comes to chicks, I just screw them and leave them. I'd say "get out of my bedroom, poontang, before you suck my life dry!"
Kyle
Thanks, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
Sure, kids. [the boys leave the classroom]
Mr. Hat
You're not fooling anyone!
Mr. Garrison
Shut your hole, Mr. Hat!
South Park business district. The boys head back to Steinburg & Burgstein.
Kyle
Come on guys! We gotta go tell Chef he's in love with a succubus.
Stan
Yeah! He's gonna be so thankful we told him. [a small station wagon pulls up, driven by Cartman's mom]
Liane
There you are, Eric! Come on, we have to go to the eye doctor.
Cartman
Oh, no!
Liane
Come on. Do you want your laser corrective surgery or not?
Cartman
Yes, but can't we wait until tomorrow.
Liane
Now, hon.
Cartman
But mo-om! I have to tell Chef that he's marrying a succubuuus!
Chef's house. People are milling around outside as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive. Stan rings the doorbell, and an elderly gray-haired man answers.
Chef's dad
Hello there, children.
Stan
Who are you?
Chef's dad
I'm Chef's father. We just flew in for the wedding.
Kyle
Oh, hi. Is Chef here? We have to talk to him.
Chef's dad
Well, come on in. [they enter]
Once inside, Chef's dad closes the door.
Kyle
There he is! [rushes in]
The fitting room. Chef's dad shows them in, then leaves. A tailor takes Chef's measurements for the pants as Veronica walks by. Chef is wearing the finished coat and shirt.
Stan
Chef, we have to talk to you!
Chef
Who? Not now, children! I gotta get fitted for my britches! Be right back. [hurries away. Stan's head drops, then the boys walk away.]
The living room. The boys reach the sofa and hop up to sit on it. Chef's parents sit across from them on the loveseat. An uneasy silence follows.
Chef's dad
Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
Stan
You're Chef's parents?
Chef's mom
Yes, all his life.
Kyle
We have to talk to him!
Chef's dad
Well, he should be out now directly.
Chef's mom
Oh, he's so excited about the wedding now.
Chef's dad
Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?
Stan
No, that's okay.
Chef's dad
Ooh, it must've been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the paleolithic era, comes out of the water.
Chef's mom
We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and I said "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!"
Thomas
It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes,-
Chef's mom
Oh, it was so scary!
Thomas
and I yelled. I said, "What do you want from us, monster?!" And the monster bent down and said, "...Uh I need about tree-fitty." [a long silence follows]
Kyle
What's tree-fitty?
Thomas
Three dollars and fifty cents.
Chef's mom
Tree-fitty.
Stan
He wanted money?
Thomas
That's right. I said "I ain't giving you no tree-fitty you goddamn Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
Chef's mom
I gave him a dollar.
Thomas
She gave him a dollar.
Chef's mom
I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
Thomas
Well of course he's not gonna go away, Nellie! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!
The optometrist's office. Cartman is on the examination chair flanked by a nurse on each side. He is wearing a breathing mask. Dr. Lott moves around him.
Dr. Lott
Okay, let's get started. You're here for the liposuction, right? [the nurses giggle]
Cartman
Hey! You son of a bitch!
Dr. Lott
All right. Time to laser me a little piggy. [the nurses giggle]
Cartman
Ey! You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kick you square in the nuh- [Dr. Lott turns up the sleeping gas] I'm gonyanya, uhnyuh, uhnyuuh, nyaahh [the gas knocks him out]
Dr. Lott
I bet his mom wishes she could do that.
Chef's house. Thomas is still telling the story…
Thomas
And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster. Then one time, I believe it was July-
Nellie
August.
Thomas
August. There's a knock on the door. I open it, and there's this cute little girl scout-
Nellie
And she was so adorable, with the little pig tails and all.
Thomas
And she says to me, "How would you like to buy some cookies?" And I said "Well, what kind do you have?" She had thin mints, graham crunchy things-
Nellie
Raisin oatmeal.
Thomas
Raisin oatmeal, and I said "We'll take a graham crunch. How much will that be?" And she looks at me and she says, "...Uh I need about tree-fitty."
Nellie
...Tree-fitty.
Thomas
Well, it was about that time that I notice that girl scout was about eight stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era.
Nellie
The Loch Ness monster.
Thomas
I said, "Dammit monster! Get off my lawn! I ain't giving you no tree-fitty!" It said, "how about just two-fitty?" I said, "Oh, now it's only two-fitty!! What?! Is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or something?!"
Nellie
Lord, he was angry.
Thomas
Damn right, I was angry!
Nellie
Not you, the monster. He was about to kick your ass.
Thomas
Aah, shut your mouth, woman!
Stan
Uh, could you just tell Chef we were here?
Thomas
Sure. That crazy old monster [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk out] Now, then the fourth time I saw the…
Cartman's room. Cartman is in bed recovering from the laser corrective surgery on his eyes. Patches cover his eyes and are taped to his face. There's a knock on his door, and the boys enter.
Stan
[disappointed] Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!
Cartman
That asshole eye doctor screwed up my laser surgery; I have to wear these bandages for three days!
Stan
Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman.
Cartman
Oh, thanks for the news flash, Tom Brokaw! What happened with Chef? Did you tell him she's a succubus?
Stan
Well, we couldn't even talk to him. She's so evil. She has him totally kept away from us.
Liane
[entering] Eric, you have a little visitor. Is that all right? [the others face her]
Cartman
Okay. [Liane leaves, and Veronica soon enters]
Veronica
Hello, boys. I heard Eric had laser surgery, so I made him a pie.
Cartman
Aaah! It's the succubus! [looks in her direction as the others jump, and Kenny pulls his hood tight]
Veronica
Huh?
Stan
We know what you are, lady!
Kyle
Yeah! You're a blood-thirsty succubus!
Veronica
A what?
Stan
A demon from Hell sent to suck the life out of men!
Veronica
[sweetly] Boys, you know how silly that sounds, don't you?
Kyle
Well, you are taking Chef from us. [Kenny has loosened his hood]
Veronica
[sets the pie down on the floor] Boys, come here. I want to explain this to you. I know Chef is your friend, but Chef is a grown man. He has needs you boys can't fulfill. He wants a life with me because I make him happy. Do you understand?
Stan
I guess.
Veronica
Good. Oh and boys. Just one more thing. I'm going to marry Chef tomorrow, [her face becomes that of a demon's, with blood-red eyes and sharp teeth, and her voice grows sinister] And there's not a God-damned thing you can do about it! [laughs evilly. Stan and Kyle jump and scream, and Kenny pulls his hood tight again. Her face resets itself] Toodle-oo! [leaves]
Stan
Jesus dude! [the boys are trembling, and Kenny keeps his hood tight]
Cartman
What? What happened?
King Jimmy's Buffet. A banner spans the front of the restaurant, saying, "Closed for Wedding Rehearsal Dinner Party." Chef, his family, Veronica, and other guests are present. Soft jazz plays in the background.
Thomas
Could I have your attention please? [the guests quiet down and the music stops] Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady. [sniffles] I'm very happy for them both. [sobs] Ooh there I go! I told myself I wasn't gonna cry, now.
Chef
It's okay, pop.
Nellie
Thomas, you're gonna get me going now. [sobs]
Thomas
Oh, I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man. He came running up to me with a big smile and his little chef's hat on, and he said, "Poppa, poppa!" I said "What do you need, Chef, my boy?", and he said, "...I need about tree-fitty."
Nellie
...Tree-fitty.
Thomas
Well, it was about that time I got suspicious. I said, "Chef, why do you need tree-fitty?" He said, "My imaginary friend Goo-Goo the dinosaur wants it." I went to my son's room, and sure enough, there was the Loch Ness monster!
Nellie
Oh, it was scary!
Thomas
I said, "Dammit monster! You stop bugging my children now! We work for our money in this house and we don't give money away!"
The door opens, and the boys enter.
Stan
Excuse me! [the boys stop at the register] We're sorry to interrupt, but we've got bad news. [the boys approach the head table]
Kyle
[pointing to Veronica] This is not a woman! It is a succubus!
Chef
What?!
Stan
Yeah! She's evil and wants to suck Chef's life out of him.
Veronica
[hurt] Children! That hurts my feelings.
Kyle
[unmoved] Oh, you can pretend all you want! You're not fooling anybody!
Chef
All right guys! That's enough! I have had it with you! This is the happiest time of my life, and you can't be happy for me!
Stan
Chef, but-
Chef
No buts, Stan! [Veronica starts crying, and he cradles her] I love this woman, and I am marrying her! Now you can either accept that, or get out of my life! Now if you'll excuse us, we're having a party. [the boys exit]
Thomas
So I chased the monster down the street, you see…
Outside, the boys walk away from the restaurant.
Kyle
I guess there's nothing we can do. Chef likes her more than us.
Stan
No! I'm not willing to give up! Chef wouldn't give up on us!
Cartman's room, morning. Cartman is in bed with patches over his eyes. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are reading books on demonology.
Stan
Oh man! There's tons of stuff on succubuses, but nothing on how to stop them.
Cartman
You guys, it's six in the morning, I have to get some sleep.
Stan
Dude! Chef's wedding is in three hours. We've got that much time to find out how to destroy a Succubus.
Cartman
You know what?! Screw Chef! There, I said it! Screw him! Let him marry a succubus! I wanna go to sleep. [rolls over]
Kyle
Here! Here! Look at this. It says "The succubus enchants its victim with an eerie melody. This is the Succubi power. Only playing this melody backwards can vanquish the succubus power."
Stan
What the hell does that mean?
Kyle
I don't know.
Kenny
[closes his book and expounds] (Hey, you guys! You guys, I think I know precisely what it's saying. It says that we've gotta go and find a pile of records and get the one that has the entire lyrics, and then we gotta get into learning to rearrange them.)
Stan
Right.
Kenny
(And then we gotta go down and get a piece of paper and write down each one of the words we sang on the tape deck. And then, sing it back again!)
Stan
Yeah?
Kenny
(That's what that means!)
Stan
Oh-hoho!
Kyle
Hey yeah! What's that song she always sings? There's got to be a morning after.
Cartman
[picks up] If we can hold on to the night.

We've got to find our way together...

Stan
That's it! We gotta learn that song backwards.
Kyle
[doubting] In three hours.
First Church of South Park. A banner above the lower cross reads "Congratulations Chef and Veronica." People are streaming in for the wedding.
Kyle
Ah man! I can't keep my eyes open. [Cartman is nodding off, too]
Stan
We can't fall asleep. We gotta nail that song. [turns to Cartman] You got the tape recorder, Cartman? Cartman?? [taps him]
Kyle
He's asleep. Wake up fatass!
Cartman
[rattled] What what what?
Stan
God-damnit! You can't fall asleep.
Cartman
I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking really hard!
Thomas
[telling his tale to Randy and Sharon] ...And then these aliens had me up on their ship, right? They was probing me and all that.
Nellie
We had taco salad that night.
Thomas
Don't matter what we had for dinner woman! Now this alien had a big head and big black eyes, and it was all bent over me. I said, "What do you want from me, alien?!" and do you know what he said?
Nellie
Tree-fitty.
Thomas
Uh. Let me tell the damn story now! He said, "tree-fitty." And so I realized I that it wasn't no alien, it was that God-damned Loch Ness monster again, trying to trick me into giving him tree-fitty by dressing up like an alien. Don't that just beat all?!
Nellie
I had just given him tree-fitty the week before.
Thomas
What?! You gave that monster another damn tree-fitty?!
Nellie
[somewhat defensive] He tricked me.
Thomas
Well no wonder the damn monster keeps coming back to our house! You keep giving it tree-fitty!
The ceremony begins. An usher goes up to a turntable and sets the needle down on a record. Veronica enters in a traditional wedding gown.
Stan
There she is! ["Here Comes the Bride" plays. Chef and Priest Maxi await her.]
Stan
[as Veronica walks by] Bitch. Bitch.
Kyle
[joins in] Bitch.
Stan
Bitch.
Kyle
Dirty bitch.
Stan
[to Cartman] All right. Kyle and I are gonna take our positions up front.
Cartman
Okay. [Stan and Kyle leave]
Priest Maxi
Do you, Chef, take this woman as your lawful-wedded wife, to have and to-
Chef
Iii do!
Nellie
Aaah, my baby's getting married!
Priest Maxi
And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?
Veronica
I do!
Priest Maxi
And now a special sharing of vows through song.
Stan
[as "A Morning After" begins] Here it goes.
Veronica
There's got to be a morning after. [the needle is removed and there's no more music]
Stan
Now, Cartman! [Kyle holds the needle in his left hand. The crowd gasps and Veronica is pissed]
Kyle
Now, Cartman!! [No response. Cartman is asleep again.]
Chef
[looks over] Children! You are screwing up my wedding! [Priest Maxi and Veronica turn to face them]
Veronica
I'll take care of them! [begins to move towards them]
Kyle
Cartman!! Wake up you fat piece of crap!! [Kenny punches Cartman]
Cartman
Ow! [Veronica reaches Stan and Kyle, but the backwards version of "A Morning After" soon plays]
Stan, Kyle

[singing on the tape]
Light the for looking on keep let's
sunshine...

Veronica
[stops] Aaargh!
Stan, Kyle
The find to chance a have we

night-

Veronica
Noooo! [the whites of her eyes flash red for a few seconds]
Chef
[sees Veronica transform] What the-?!
Stan, Kyle
-the to on- [the tape balks and reverses to a halt]
Cartman
Oh no! The tape jammed! [Veronica transforms again, this time tearing through the gown, revealing her huge wings and succubus body. The congregation reacts with groans and screams]
Man
Woman
Chef
What the-?! [everyone else falls silent]
Thomas
She's a goddam Succubus!
Nellie
Succubus trying to take my baby! [the succubus roars and flies into the air. As she hovers over the congregants, they scream and dive under the pews]
Outside, The doors open and people pour out.
Inside, Stan and Kyle try to get Cartman's attention again.
Stan
Come on Cartman!
Cartman
[pressing every button on the tape player] I can't see anything!
Kenny
[tries to help] (Wait...) [the succubus lands on Kenny, breaking the pew in half. Kenny is dead under her feet]
Stan
Oh my God! She killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastard!
Nellie
[with a stick, runs at the succubus] You damn monster! Get away from my baby!
Thomas
[reaching into his pocket] Hold on, now, I'll see if I have tree-fitty!
Nellie
[gets a few blows in, but the succubus knocks her away] Oh my-
Cartman
[presses the right button] Got it! [music resumes]
Stan, Kyle
-the to on hold can we if after [the succubus grips her head with both hands, roaring in pain]
morning a be to got There's
Warm and safe that's... [the ground opens up, flames appear, and the succubus drops down into the hole. The flames leave with her. Chef walks up to the hold and looks over it]
Mr. Garrison
[sits up in his pew] Hoh, wow! You don't see that every day!
Stan
[walks up with Kyle to Chef] We're sorry Chef, we had to do it!
Che
[sadly] No I'm, I'm glad you did, children. Now that she's gone, I can't really figure out what I ever saw in her.
Mr. Garrison
[to man on his right] Poontang's poontang.
Chef
Come on, children. Let's go get some ice cream.
Stan, Kyle
Hooray! [the three walk out. As they do, people start rising from under the pews]
Cartman
What? What happened you guys? Is Kenny okay?
The cafeteria kitchen. Chef is back at the counter as the boys enter.
Chef
Hello there, children!
Stan, Kyle
Hey, Chef!
Chef
How would you like some fish sticks and tater tots?
Stan
[cheerfully] We'd love them!
Kyle
It's great to have you back Chef!
Chef
Yeah, well, I learned a very important lesson this week:

[begins to sing] Sometimes you fall in love and you think it feels that way forever.
You change your life and didn't know your friends cause you think it can't get any better.
But then love goes away; no matter what, it doesn't stay as strong.
And then you're left with nothing, cause your tinking with your dong.
So watch out for that love bug! It can destroy like a typhoon wind!
Just play it cool and don't be a fool...

Mr. Garrison
[from the entrance] And never let poontang come between you and your friend.
Chef
Daaamn right, Garrison! [song fades out]
The optometrist's office. Cartman walks in with a large ice box. His bandages are off. Now we know why he wasn't at school with Stan and Kyle.
Dr. Lott
Oh, hello, piggy. How are your eyes doing?
Cartman
After today they're gonna be fine, and I'll never have to see you ever again!
Dr. Lott
I don't think that's possible, piggy, not with your eyes.
Cartman
No, not with my eyes. With these! [takes Kenny's frozen head out of the box to show the eyes] Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Dr. Lott
Was he an organ donor?
Cartman
Eh-sure.
Dr. Lott
All right, then let's get to work. [Cartman gets in the chair, and the optometrist pulls out Kenny's left eye] Say, you don't have three dollars and fifty cents on you, do you?

"A Morning After" plays backwards:
Light the for looking on keep let's
Sunshine the find to chance a have we
Night the to on hold can we if
After morning a be to got there's
Warm and safe that's...

End of The Succubus


  303: "The Succubus" edit
Story Elements

ChefMr. DerpVeronicaThomas McElroyNelle McElroyDoctor Lout • "The Morning After" • "Love Bug" •

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Third Season

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