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The Spirit of Christmas: Jesus vs. Frosty

Cast

  • Stanley "Stan" Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenneth "Kenny" McCormick
  • Eric Cartman ("Kenny")
  • Jesus Christ
  • Frosty (Santa Claus)

Script

The Spirit of Christmas
Female voice-over
I keep hearing this melody in my ears...
A field. Four boys are working on a snowman
Boys
Frosty the Snowman was a jolly, happy soul. With a corncob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal. There must have been some magic in that old felt hat they found. For when they placed in on his head...
Stan
Dude!
Kyle
What?
Stan
Don't put the magic hat on the snowman.
Kyle
Why?
Stan
'Cause if you do, he's gonna come to life.
Kyle
Cool!
Stan
No it's not cool! My sister - in, in Minnesota - put a hat on a snowman and it tried to kill her!
Kyle
Fuck him, let's do it anyway.
Kenny
Yeah.
Boys
There must have been some magic in that old felt hat they found For when they placed in on his head...
Percolating music starts and the hat starts to move around the snowman's head. He comes to life and immediately assumes a growling posture. The kids stare in horror as tentacles sprout out from underneath the snowman. They scatter as the snowman picks up "Kenny" with its tentacles and throws him quite a distance. Kenny lands and bleeds to death. The other kids catch up to him.
"Kenny"
AHHHHH!
Kyle
Oh my God! Frosty killed Kenny!
Stan
Dude! I told you not to put that fuckin' hat on Frosty's fuckin' head! Now, didn't I?!
Kyle
Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Rocket fucking Scientist! What are we s'posed to do now?
Stan
I don't know what we're s'posed to... wait. I bet he can help us. [rushes off]
Kyle
Who?
Santa
Ho ho ho, ho.
Boys
Save us! Save us! Fuckin' save us! Save us!
Santa
Whoa-whoa. Now, tell me what happened, slowly.
Kyle
Okay. We were just building a snowman... and all of a sudden... he came to life...
Stan
I told him. I said, 'Don't put the magic hat...on the snowman'...and he did it anyways...and...and then he killed our friend, Kenny, and now he's gonna kill everybody!
Santa
Did he look kind of like this? [growls, and reveals his true identity, Frosty!]
Stan
Yeah, kind of like that...
Kyle
Mm-hm, exactly
Boys
[realizing that something is wrong here] AAAAaaaahhhh!
Frosty
Rroowwrroowwrr
the kids scatter. Frosty takes Kenny and tosses him to the same spot "Kenny" died on, and the boy dies there, as well
Kyl
You know, ah- I don't think that was the real Santa Claus.
Stan
Oh, no shit, Sherlock! You know, thanks to you there's not gonna be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us.
Kyle
Oh, Christ!
Boys
[gasp] Jesus!
A Nativity scene is shown. A traditional Christmas, "Greensleeves," tune plays
Stan
Jesus, we beseech thee in this time of need...
Kyle
OK. Fucking Frosty, he fuckin' killed... [an angelic choir is heard as the manger brightens]
Stan
[angrily] Dude!
Kyle
...our friend...
Stan
Dude! This is Jesus! You don't say 'fuck' in front of Jesus!
Kyle
[wondering] is that so?
Jesus rises from his manger. A driving drum beat takes over. This Jesus may be a toddler, but he has a mustache and beard like he does as an adult.
Boys
Go, Jesus!
Jesus chases Frosty down. Frosty turns to face him and growls. Jesus takes off his halo and launches it. It slices off the top of Frosty's head along with the hat and returns to Jesus. Frosty quickly falls apart.
Boys
Our Savior!
Jesus returns to his manger and back to rest
Stan
Phew.
Kyle
That sucked.
Stan
I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle
Yeah. But you know, I learned something today.
Stan
[angrily] Yeah, don't put the magic hat on Frosty!
Kyle
No - I learned about the true Spirit of Christmas.
Stan
Really?
Kyle
Yeah. Christmas isn't about Frosty or Santa...
Stan
You're right. It's about Jesus.
Kyle
Nno, it's not even about Jesus, either.
Stan
Well, then, what's it all about?
Kyle
Presents.
Stan
Ooooohhhhhh
Kyle
You see?
Stan
Yeah.
Kyle
Presents.
Stan
Hey, man. Let's go home. I know where my parents hide my presents!
Kyle
Cool!
Stan
Yeah.
they leave. A deer comes and nibbles at Kenny's body, then leaves.
Male Voice-over
...sooo heee waves goodbye, saying, 'Don't you cry, I'll be back again someday.'
End of The Spirit of Christmas

The Spirit of Christmas: Jesus vs. Santa

Cast

  • Stanley "Stan" Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenneth "Kenny" McCormick
  • Jesus Christ
  • Santa Claus
  • Brian Boitano
  • Cameo: Wendy Testaburger (girl on Santa's lap)

Script

The Spirit of Christmas
South Park, Music. Scene: Snowy hill. South Park comes into view. A squirrel pops up to see the camera, then drops away. Kids can be heard singing a Christmas carol. The camera pans to the right
Boys
We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas--
Stan
Hey! Wait a minute!
Kyle
What?
Stan
Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
Kyle
Yeah, I think so.
Stan
[voice rising] Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas!
Kyle
What?
Stan
You're s'posed to sing Hanukkah songs!
Kyle
Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, [Stan starts to smile] Dreidel dreidel dreidel--
Stan
That's a stupid song.
Cartman
Yeah, Hanukkah sucks.
Kyle
Don't you oppress me, fat boy.
Cartman
Don't call me fat, buttfucker.
Kyle
Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass!
Cartman
Goddammit don't call me fat you buttfuckin' sonofabitch!
Jesus floats down from the sky.
Kyle
What the-?
Kenny mumbles and zips up his hood
Jesus
Behold my glory.
Stan
Holy shit, it's Jesus!
Cartman
What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?
Jesus
I come seeking...retribution.
Stan
[gasps] He's come to kill you cuz you're Jewish, Kyle!
Kyle
Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Jesus. Don't kill me.
Jesus
Nay, fear not. I love All My Children.
Kyle
Whew.
Jesus
Tomorrow is my birthday. Yet all is not right.
Stan
Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude.
Jesus
I must find a place called "The Mall".
Kyle
Well we can take you to the mall, Jesus.
Stan
Yeah! It's over this way. [Kyle and Kenny exit. Stan starts to walk.]
Cartman
[at Kyle] Eugh! Goddammit, you stepped on my foot you pigfucker.
Stan
Dude, don't say pigfucker in front of Jesus. [moves in front of Cartman and leaves.]
Cartman
Eh, fuck you. [Pauses awhile, then exits]
South Park main street. Music: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.
Stan
Here we are Jesus, South Park Mall. Who are you looking for?
Jesus
[points] Him!
  1. HODNOTA!
Santa
Ho ho ho. We meet again, Jesus.
Jesus
You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time, Kringle!
Santa
I bring happiness and love to children all over the world.
Jesus
Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
Santa
Christmas is for giving!
Jesus
I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy!
Santa
This time we finish it. [stands, flipping Wendy off his lap] There can be only one! [cocks his head to the right]
Stan
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Jesus and Santa begin fighting. Jesus pins Santa, but Santa throws Jesus off
Boys
Go Santa! [Jesus looks at them] Uh, go Jesus! [Jesus and Santa fight some more, Mortal Kombat style.]
Jesus
Chung kwang do! [a fireball balloons between his hands, then sails towards Santa]
Santa
Wha...? [he moves aside. The fireball hits Santa's post and the post falls over, killing three kids.]
Santa
Yoktuki! [throws two blue items, but...]
Jesus
Whoa! [turns right so that they miss him. One of them heads straight for Kenny]
Kenny
[in a muffled voice] (Oh, no!) [His head screams as it heads toward a statue and knocks it over, killing three more.]
Kyle
Oh my god! They killed Kenny! [the body falls over]
Santa
Come on, you son of a bitch!
Jesus
Come on! Come on!
Santa
Come on!
Jesus
[turns to look at the boys] Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all.
Santa
[turns to look at the boys] No, boys, help me, so that I can put an end to him.
Jesus
God is watching you, boys. You know who to help.
Santa
Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three?
Jesus
I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that.
Stan
I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help?
Cartman
I say we help Santa Claus.
Kyle
Aw, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.
Cartman
Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Jew.
Kyle
You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street people go GOD DAMMIT that kid's a BIG FAT FUCK.
Cartman
Oh yeah? Well, at least I'm not a p---! [Arguments ensue.]
Kyle
Shut up! [Jesus and Santa continue to wrestle while the kids cheer them on and snipe at each other]
Santa
[to Jesus] Buttfuckin...
Kyle
I'm not the buttfucker, Cartman, YOU'RE the buttfucker...
Santa
[to Jesus] FUCK YOU!
Stan
Wait, wait, wait just a second. Now we've got to think here. Now let's see. What would Brian Boitano do?
Cartman
Yeah. What would Brian Boitano do? [Brian Boitano skates into view amid a fanfare.]
Brian
Did someone say my name?
Cartman
Brian Boitano!
Kyle
What incredible irony!
Cartman
Yeah, it's Brian Boitano!
Brian
What's going on, kids?
Stan
Okay, Brian? Who would you help in a fight, Jesus or Santa Claus?
Brian
Kids...you shouldn't think of things like that. This is the one time of year in which we all try to get along, no matter what we believe in. This is the season just to be good to each other. Bye-eee!
Kyle
[softly, after Brian says 'season'] Yeah. [Brian skates away.]
Santa
C'mon, lumberboy!
Jesus
You fuckin' pussy!
Santa
C'mere!
Jesus
C'mere! Come on!
Stan
Hey, Jesus! You have to understand that Santa is keeping the spirit of your birthday alive by bringing happiness and joy.
Kyle
Yeah. And Santa, you need to remember that if it weren't for Jesus, this day wouldn't even exist!
Santa
You're right kids. I'm sorry Jesus.
Jesus
No, no. It's me who should be sorry. I've been a right bastard. I'm sorry Kringle.
Santa
Thank you boys.
Jesus
Yeah, thank you boys. Come on, Kringle, I'll buy you an Orange Smoothie.
Santa
Oooo!
Stan
Whew. That sucked.
Kyle
Yeah, but just think. Today we actually met--we actually spoke--to the Brian Boitano.
Stan
Yeah. And you know? I think I learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important thing:
Cartman
Yeah, ham.
Stan
[angrily] No not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman
Fuck you!
Stan
...Christmas is about something much more important!
Kyle
What?
Stan
[voice softens] Presents.
Kyle
[softly] Ah.
Stan
Don't you see, Kyle?
Kyle
Yeah.
Stan
Presents.
Kyle
Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents for eight days.
Stan
Wow, really? Count me in.
Cartman
Yeah, I'll be a Jew too.
Boys
[leaving] Dreidel dreidel dreidel I made you out of clay! Dreidel dreidel dreidel With dreidel I will play!
Sign: "El Fin". Animals feed on Kenny's remains, then run off. Blackout.
End of The Spirit of Christmas


  "The Spirit of Christmas" edit
Story Elements

Eric CartmanKyle BroflovskiStan MarshKenny McCormickFrostyJesus ChristSanta ClausFrosty the Snowman

Media

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