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CastEdit

ScriptEdit

The Simpsons Already Did It
Kyle's house, day. Stan and Kyle are happily preparing a snowman, which now has twigs, buttons, a hat and scarf. Tweek stands behind Stan holding a carrot.
Stan
Okay, now put on the nose, Tweek. [Tweek moves forward, but then backs up. Stan rises and turns to Tweek]
Tweek
I can't. [presents the carrot] You do it.
Kyle
Just stick it on.
Tweek
But what if I put it in the wrong place?
Stan
Just put it between its eyes.
Tweek
GARH. But what if, while I'm putting on the nose, the snowman comes to life and tries to kill me?
Stan
Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?
Kyle
Yeah.
Butters
[happens by and waves] Hey, fellas.
Stan
[flatly] Oh, hey Butters.
Butters
How are things... going with your new best friend?
Kyle
[walks up to Tweek] Well, Tweek's okay, but he's certainly no Kenny! [takes the carrot from Tweek's hand]
Tweek
Arrrr!
Stan
Yeah, but he's still better than you, Butters.
Kyle
Yeah.
Butters
Well ah, that's good. Good luck being their new friend, Tweek. I hope you'll do better than me. Well, see ya fellas. [takes his leave, screen left. Stan and Kyle resume work on the snowman]
Tweek
Oh man, that is waaay too much pressure! [Kyle puts the carrot in place]
Cartman
[off screen. Stan and Kyle look] You guys, you guys! You're not gonna believe it! [excited, he rushes up and stands between then, holding an ad]
Stan
Uh oh.
Cartman
Everything's gonna be okay, you guys! Life isn't so crappy after all!
Tweek
It's not?
Cartman
No! I was looking in this magazine, and I found an ad for little ocean creatures that you can buy and raise in your room!
Kyle
No way.
Cartman
Look! [the boys draw close. The ad is shown] Sea people. You keep them under a big tank of water and they like, build castles and play basketball and stuff.
Kyle
Nuh uh.
Cartman
Yeah! And look! They ride around on turtles and they play games with fish.
Kyle
No way.
Cartman
[shows irritation] Okay, Kyle, you're being a Negative Nancy. Stop it. Eh, unless you want everyone to call you Negative Nancy from now on. [turns to Stan and Tweek and continues excitedly] Now, what we need is to all chip in four dollars, and we can have them here tomorrow!
Kyle
Only sixteen dollars? They can't be cool if they're only sixteen dollars. [Cartman's smile vanishes and he shuts his eyes.]
Cartman
If Nancy doesn't want to chip in, then it will be $5.35 per person!
Stan
Alright, I'll chip in.
Tweek
Gah! Me too.
Kyle
[resigned] Ah, alright.
Butters' house, day. He reaches his room.
Linda
Butters! Don't forget: dinner is in two hours!
Butters
[in the doorway] Wokay, mom. Ah I'm just gonna be up here, uh doin' my homework. [he enters and closes the door behind him. His evil face shows] Yes. By day he is mild-mannered, sweet, and innocent Butters BUT... [runs to his closet and opens the sliding door, then steps inside] nobody knows that he actually has a dark underside... [slides the door shut and changes clothes. He slides the door open and comes out dressed as] Professor Chaos! Haha! Time to wreak havoc on the world that shunned me! [runs to his window, opens it, and jumps out. He skulks through the woods nearby with an easel. He reaches a clearing and sets up the easel. General Disarray shows up pulling a wagon of firewood]
Dougie
Professor Chaos!
Butters
Ah, my faithful companion in world destruction, General Disarray.
Dougie
I have done as you asked and brought the first load of scrap wood.
Butters
Excellent, General Disarray! Now we can begin my most horrible evil plan yet to wreak havoc on humanity. [EVIL PLOT #4-B]
Dougie
What dastardly deed are we doing now?
Butters
Simple, my dear general. [flips the page over to show a drawing of the town with a huge shade over the town, held up by a tall pillar] We are going to block out the sun!
Dougie
[looking at the picture] Oh. [turns around]
Butters
Oh yes! I have plotted for weeks, and figured that if we build a huge ...wooden shade eighty feet high, a-and fifty feet wide [a hamster peers from the wood and drops back down again], precisely on this hill, South Park ...will forever be cast in a great shadow.
Dougie
Oh, awesome!
Butters
Soon, all people will have to live like moles! They will love only to remember with sorrow how great the sun used to be! [laughs with evil glee]
Dougie
Cool. It'll be just like on the Simpsons. [Butters stops laughing and freezes in place]
Butters
[tilts his head forward] Huh?
Dougie
They did that on the Simpsons. I think it was the Mr. Burns character. He tried to block Springfield from the sun.
Butters
He did? Hawww, heck. I thought I was bein' original.
Dougie
So how do we build it?
Butters
Aww, I don't wanna do it now [drops his hammer], not if they already did it on the Simpsons. [walks off dejected] I have to think of something else. [they walk through the woods] Uh Goddamnit, how come every time I think of something clever, the Simpsons already did it?
Cartman's house, night. The living room light is on. Cartman is sleeping, dreaming...
Cartman
Sea people... coming in the mail tomorrow... [bubbles appear as Cartman dreams] Yesss... Yeesss...
The dream sequence.
Cartman

[shown floating down to the briny deep. Two pairs of sea arms catch him. The sea couple rights him and walk with him in the middle]
Look at me, livin' free
Free and clean amongst the Sea People
[the sea couple and he sail by in a tiny pirate ship. They take him into the castle]
We look for pirates and search for gold.
Life is an adventure with the Sea People
[A sea man pitches to Cartman, who bats the ball for a run. As a sea family looks on he blows out the candles on a cake.]
They don't ever complain, they don't call me fat.
They don't make me do homework or nothin' like that.
[he rides a sea horse alongside sea people on horseback and grins at the camera]
This is the way life was meant to be. Laughin' and singing,
[Shown walking with the sea couple again.]
Sea people and me.
Sea people and me, you guys.

The dream ends and the bubbles fade away. Cartman wakes up, smiling.
Cartman
Woowww. Only three more hours, sea people. [closes his eyes and turns to his left side] Only three hours and you can take me away from this crappy goddamned planet full of hippies. [goes to sleep]
Cartman's house, day. He's at his desk with the new kit while Stan, Kyle, and Tweek stand behind him. His dressed as a monarch, in suit, crown and cape.
Cartman
Okay. I've added the water purifier tablet to the Sea People Kingdom tank. Now it says [slowing down to read] "Step 2. [grabs a small sack] Add the Sea People eggs to the water; you will see sea life spring instantly." [smiles, then remembers something. He turns to face the other boys] Okay, let's just run through this one more time: when the sea people arrive I will welcome them to South Park as Ambassador of Earth. Tweek, you give them the key to the city, and we'll all engage them in simple conversation. We've gotta make sea people feel comfortable, okay? Ready?
Stan
Ready. Let's see 'em.
Cartman
[turns to the tank] Hold the sign up, Kyle! [Kyle picks a sign up off the floor and holds it to his chest] Higher, Kyle! [Kyle raises it higher, in front of his face] Okay. [opens the egg sack and whispers] Here we go. [pours the eggs into the tank and taps the bag for good measure. Kyle moves the sign a bit so he could peek. Cartman grins again in anticipation, but it fades. Kyle lowers the sign to his chest. Cartman looks from various angles, then takes out the magnifying glass for a closer look. Two pale shrimp crawl around in the tank. Kyle drops the sign]
Stan
Are they playing basketball? [Cartman picks up the box and looks at the front. A close-up of a sea couple. Cartman looks in the tank and sees just shrimp. He looks displeased, Kyle has the sign in hand again]
Cartman
What the fuck is this?! [Stan approaches and looks in the tank]
Stan
Hey, these are brine shrimp. I used to feed them to my fish.
Cartman
I got RIPPED OFF! [pounds the desk and sets the box on the floor to his left]
Kyle
I told you, Cartman.
Cartman
[approaches Kyle and confronts him] Oh, shut up, Kyle!!! Shut your Goddamned Jew mouth!!! You people are why there's war in the Middle East!!! [moves on to Tweek] And you, Tweek!! Why don't you learn to button your shirt right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, always spending time with her!! God, I hate you guys!! [his rant ended, he walks across the room] They were supposed to take me away to their underwater kingdom. They were supposed to take me on adventures of the deep.
Tweek
[shaking] They package brine shrimp and sell them to kids? That's not right, man!
Stan
What are we gonna do with them?
Cartman
[at the window] Who cares?! Throw 'em away!!
Kyle
[approaches the tank] Hey! Let's pour them in the teacher's coffee tomorrow morning.
Stan
Yeah, that'd be funny.
Cartman
[brightly] Heheh, okay, okay.
Next day, Ms. Choksondik's house. The scene from last episode is carried on here, only zoomed out. The paramedics take Ms. Choksondik's corpse into the ambulance as a crowd looks on. The adults murmur amongst themselves. The ambulance pulls away and Cartman pulls the other boys in with some urgency.
Cartman
Alright, listen to me! We must take a strict vow of silence!
Tweek
[blurts out] Jesus Christ, we killed her!
Cartman
[rushes to Tweek and covers his mouth] Shh! Tweek, shut the hell up!
Dougie's house. He's doing homework on the living room coffee table when a doorbell rings. He goes to answer it. He opens the door and Butters steps in with something under wraps.
Butters
General Disarray, are your parents home?
Dougie
No.
Butters
Ah, I've done it, General Disarray. I've completed my most horrible deed to date.
Dougie
What?
Butters
You know that big statue in the town square of pioneer John Wesley Powell? I snuck over there with a hacksaw and uh, and I cut off his head! [pulls the cover off and laughs maniacally] Hahahahaa, yeah!
Dougie
Oh, uh...
Butters
Hahaha, and they're probably just realizing that now! Quick! We must turn on the news! [turns on the TV]
News Anchor
... but Hillary Clinton's ass just keeps getting bigger. [the image in the small box changes from Hillary to that of the decapitated statue] Also in the news tonight, a vandal has apparently cut off and stolen the head of the Powell statue in the South Park Town Square.
Butters
Look! Look! I've made the news! I-I've wreaked havoc!
News Anchor
The head was taken in the early morning hours and the police have no leads.
Butters
I finally made the world sorry! I've brought sadness, a-and chaos!
News Anchor
This act, of course, reminded us all of the time that Bart Simpson [a picture of him appears in the box] took the head of the Springfield statue in one of their classic episodes. Here's what some people had to say:
Man 1
Well, I, I think whoever took the head was... really just doing an homage to the Simpsons. [laughs] Heh, I think it's great.
Woman
Yes, it really made me reflect on that episode and laugh.
Man 2
Well the Simpsons is such a great show, and we need reminders like this to keep us watching.
Butters
Oh. Uh-m, son of a bitch.
News Anchor
The police say that instead of looking for the missing head, they'd rather leave it off and be reminded of the Simpsons every day.
Butters
Well why didn't you tell me the Simpsons already did that?
Dougie
You seemed so proud, I didn't wanna bum you out.
Butters
[walks away hanging his head] Stupid Simpsons...
Kyle's house, night. The boys watch TV on the sofa.
Terrance
Hello there, Phillip. I brought you something.
Phillip
Oh, what is it? [Terrance farts and Phillip comments, but the boys talk over him]
Kyle
See? We're just watching cartoons, like always. Nothing's changed.
Tweek
Jesus Christ, she's dead!!
Stan
Stop it, Tweek! We're pretending like nothing happened.
Terrance
Phillip, I think I may have accidentally killed Celine Dion.
Phillip
[gasps] Killing is never an accident, you dickface! [farts, and the two of them crack up]
Stan
Oh jeez, change the channel.
News Anchor
And in other news, still no cause of death found for elementary school teacher Diane Choksondik. However, doctors say that during the autopsy they did find semen in her stomach. [there's a pause and the boys look aghast]
Stan
They found the sea men! It's only a matter of time before they find the women, too!
News Anchor
The autopsy is ongoing and cause of death is yet to be determined.
Kyle
Oh God!
Stan
We're dead!
Tweek
Oh Jesus! [moves off the couch] That's it, man! I want nothing more to do with you guys!
Cartman
Tweek! Where are you going?
Tweek
They're gonna find you out! Then when they do I don't wanna be within fifty feet of you! You're gonna fry, man!
Stan
Hey, Tweek, you're in this just as much as we are!
Tweek
What?! I told you NOT to put the sea people in her coffee! I wasn't even there when you did it!
Kyle
Yeah, but you're our new friend and that makes you cul.. p-piable!
Cartman
In fact, that makes you the most responsible. Tweek, you might have to take the fall on this one.
Tweek
Rrrr-hr-hrrr!!!
Chef's house, night. The boys arrive at his house and ring the bell. He opens the door and sees them.
Chef
Oh, well, hello there, children.
Stan
Chef, we did something kind of bad.
Kyle
We don't know who else to talk to.
Chef
Ohh, I'm sure your little cracker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. [the boys enter and Chef leads them to the sofa] Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell ol' Chef what's goin' on.
Stan
[pause] We need you to promise not to tell anybody.
Chef
Now, children, every problem can be worked out. What was it?
Stan
We... killed our teacher and they found our seamen in her stomach.
Chef
...Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher and they find your semen in her stomach, and uh Wait! What the what?!
Stan
[beat] So what should we do? [Chef thinks, then goes and pushes the sofa towards the door and onto the entry path]
Kyle
Wow, I guess this really is a big deal.
Cartman
We've only got one option, you guys. We're gonna have to go to that hospital where they're doing the autopsy and get our seamen back ourselves.
Tweek
Gnaaahahahah! [pulls on his hair and looks at his fist] I pulled out my hair!
Dougie's house, night. In the living room Butters begins to pitch ideas.
Butters
Wokay, how about this, Dougie? [backs up to the easel. On it is the schematic to plan #123-D] I-I'm going' to pose as a real-estate agent and con everyone in town into buyin' a monorail. And then skip town with all their money. [Dougie just looks back] No?
Dougie
...Simpsons did it. They did it in episode 204.
Butters
Wokay [flips to the next page to show #124-A], then I'm goin' to start a Web site to spread vicious ru-rumors about everyone in town! And and then I'll take their-
Dougie
Simpsons did it!
Butters
[flips to plan #129-E] I'll bury a skeleton wearing angel wings so that the townspeople will think a fallen angel has fallen-
Dougie
Simpsons did it!
Hell's Pass Hospital, night. Cartman leads the other boys into the coroner's office.
Stan
This is it.
Cartman
Alright, everyone scatter and look for the seamen. Tweek, stay by the door and keep a look out. If you see anybody coming, say the code word: Hammertime.
Tweek
Hammertime? Can't the code word just be... "lookout"? I won't remember "Hammertime"!
Cartman
[whispers] Ugh. [then] Just remember the song "Can't Touch This" and you'll remember the code word!
Stan
Yeah, stupid.
Tweek
Oh, God. [the boys split up. Tweek goes to the door ajar and steps out, Kyle to a table to the right, Cartman to a table to the left, Stan to the supply closet. Cartman opens the doors under his table and looks around, then goes to Kyle's table to check out the drawers there.]
Kyle
[takes a wide covered beaker and look in it] There's nothing here! [puts it back and Stan approaches]
Stan
Dude, it's probably still in her stomach. [Kyle approaches the corpse in the middle of the room and pulls back the cover. Ms. Choksondik's chest and abdomen have been cut open right down the front]
Cartman
Is it her?
Kyle
Yeah, it's Ms. Choksondik alright.
Stan
What do we do now?
Cartman
Just reach in there and get the seamen out of her stomach! [the boys look at him, shocked] Oh, God! You guys are such pussies! [starts digging around in the belly] Hemmm...
Tweek
[voices are heard; he rushes back in] Erm! Hff. You gu-guys! Ha... Hamme- [covers his mouth] I can't remember uh-the code word!
Stan
Do you see the sea people.
Cartman
No, just a bunch of goo.
Tweek
[hushed tones. Shadows appear down the hall and move towards the room] You guys! Um, dum dumdumdum, dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this. Dum dumdumdum, dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this.
Kyle
Ms. Choksondik stinks inside. [covers his nose]
Stan
Yeah.
Tweek
[two people come down the hall] ...dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this. Dum dumdumdum, dumdum, then stop. HAMMERTIME!
Stan
Aaah!
Kyle
Quick. Hide. [the boys disperse. Stan runs to the closet he looked in earlier, Kyle to one on the opposite side, Tweek behind the door]
Voice
[outside] Yeah, well, at least we got Shannon Sharp back. [Cartman burrows his way into Ms. Choksondik's corpse]
Doctor 1
Alright, let's just leave the semen sample next to the corpse; I wanna run a hair fiber test next. [snips a piece of hair off and turns around. They both walk back out]
Doctor 2
Hey, do you smell children?
Doctor 1
No, that's not... [voice fades. The doctors leave and the boys come out of their hiding places. Cartman is still in the corpse]
Kyle
Got it!
Stan
Let's go! [He, Kyle, and Tweek head out the door quickly. Cartman pops out of Ms. Choksondik's corpse gasping for air]
Butters house, later that night. Butters presents plan #127-C.
Butters
Bring the World Cup to South Park so the... a huge soccer riot can destroy the-
Dougie
Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!
Butters
[flips to plan #125-E] Take all the beer cans in South Park and have them shaken up in a huge mixer at the paint store so that-
Dougie
Episode 9F17 entitled "So It's Come To This!"
Butters
[seethes for a few seconds] Fine! Then maybe I'll just forget about destroying the town and just run away and join the circus! [sits down next to Dougie]
Dougie
...Simpsons did it.
Butters
Dwaah!!
Cartman's house, later. In his room he takes the semen sample and pours it into his tank, tapping the rim of the tank so the semen can start moving. The semen slides into the tank and puts the lid back on.
Cartman
There. We just put the sea people back in the tank with the others, and nobody will ever know. [looks at his hands] The blood is washed neatly from our hands. [the door opens and Chef enters with a bunch of stuff.]
Chef
Alright, children, I got you four tickets to Thailand [in his right hand, with a sports bag] and three hundred dollars cash [inside the suitcase in his left hand]. It's gonna be tough living for a while. You might have to do things for money you never thought of doin' before.
Cartman
[stopping Chef] It's alright, Chef! We got our sea people out of the teacher's stomach and we put them back in their aquarium!
Chef
[confused] ...Wait, what? Sea people?
Stan
The sea people that we put in the teacher's coffee.
Chef
Uhh, maybe you'd better start from the beginning.
Forty-three seconds later...
Stan
...and then we put them back in the tank.
Chef
[drops the bag, suitcase, and tickets] Oohhh, children, you misunderstood. Sea people is different from se-men.
Kyle
It is?
Chef
Yes! That stuff that was in that vial didn't come from you, it came from someone else. [begins to chuckle] I thought you children took turns rapin' and then murdered the teacher. [laughs]
Cartman
Well if they found somebody else's sea men in her stomach, maybe they'll find our sea people, too.
Chef
Relax, children, drinkin' some brine shrimp can't kill you. Your teacher must have died from something else.
Kyle
Oh, really?? [all four boys let out a sigh of relief]
Tweek
Egh! I'm so relieved. Gaah-ah-ah!
Chef
Alright. You children have had a long night. Why don't we all get some rest and on Monday, I'll sing you a song explainin' the difference between semen and sea people. [picks up the stuff. The boys approach] Come on, children. I'll walk you all home. [the boys follow Chef out]
Stan
[turns and waves to Cartman] Okay. Goodnight, Cartman. [turns and exits. Kyle follows]
Cartman
G'night, guys.
Kyle
I'm so glad we're not murderers. [Cartman closes the door behind them, moves to his bed and talkes off his hat and shoes. He places his hat on a corner of the footboard and hops into bed]
Cartman
[settling in] Ah, so great that everything is finally back to normal. [dozes off. The camera moves to the tank to look at the tank.]
South Park, next day. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek stand at the bus station waiting for the bus.
Cartman
[rushes up] H'you guys! Come quick! [turns and runs off] You won't believe it!
Stan
Oh no, what now? [the boys turn left and follow]
Cartman's house, later. He leads them to his room, to the tank.
Cartman
Those sea men from the teacher's stomach somehow combined with the remaining sea people we had left in the tank and, ah, well LOOK! [the other three approach the tank. Cartman picks up the magnifying glass for a closer look]
Kyle
Whoa. [the close-up reveals a budding civilization with sea people building multi-story apartments and reads. The brine shrimp have begun to morph into sea people. Some of them wear clothes]
Stan
How? How did that happen?
Cartman
I've been up for hours doing some calculations, and I've come up with my final theory of composite dynamics. [brings out a small chalkboard with an equation written on it and points to the various parts of the equation] Sea people plus sea men equals sea ciety.
Kyle
Whoa.
Stan
They've already accomplished so much.
Tweek
They're like, bacteria. Small organisms live much faster lives and do things at a much faster rate.
Cartman
That's right, Tweek. And if my theory is correct, all we need to get is more of the two reacting agents, and we can really see them thrive. Tweek!
Tweek
Hr!
Cartman
You go and send away for more sea people from the magazine ad! Get at least five gallons of them here stat! Stan and Kyle, you go find a bigger fish tank to put them all in.
Kyle
Well what are you gonna do?
Cartman
Me? [camera closes in on him] I'm gonna go out on the town and find ten gallons of sea men.
Dougie's room, day. Butters and Dougie are in costume. Between them is a contraption under a white sheet.
Butters
I've done it, General Disarray. I've watched all one hundred and thirty-two episodes of the Simpsons, twice. And I've finally come up with something... tha they have never done! Uh, behold! [pulls the sheet off] This device that I have made will take the cherries out of chocolate-covered cherries and replace the inside instead, with two-month-old mayonnaise. [grins] People will think that they are gonna get a bite of a sweet, delicious cherry, but, instead, they'll get a mouth full of yuckies, and sticky mayonnaise. Hey! [begins to cackle. Dougie fiddles with the machine] You've never ...seen this on the Simpsons, right?
Dougie
No, I think the Simpsons would be more clever than that.
Butters
Good! Then l-let us take my machine outside and make society finally pay for sh-shunning us!
Announcer
[a commercial for Cheesy-Poofs gives way to a Simpsoons commercial] Tonight on the Simpsons: It's a laughorama when Bart builds a machine that takes the cherries out of chocolate-covered cherries and replaces them instead, with mayonnaise.
Butters
Nnno [turns and faces the TV], uh no, no, it can't be.
Dougie
Uh oh, Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it! [a shot of the TV]
Butters
No! No! [begins hallucinating]
Dougie
[now looking like Bart and no longer in costume] Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!
Butters
Aaaaah!
Dougie
Don't have a cow, man.
Butters
Oh sweet Jesus!
Sperm Bank of South Park, day. Cartman hums as he approaches the door. He enters and walks down the hall. The tellers follow him with their eyes.
Woman
Can I help you?
Cartman
Yes, my mommy told me this is where I could find some sea men?
Woman
Your... mom told you?
Cartman
Do you have them or not?
Woman
We... sell semen, yes, but not normally to children.
Cartman
What's your name?
Woman
Frances Velman.
Cartman
Frances, let's talk. I don't want a bunch of bullcrap from you and you don't a bunch of bullcrap from me, right? Where does that get us? Nowhere. The truth is, I'm completely certified to handle sea men, and though I may appear young, I'm one of the leading sea men authorities of the Midwest. Up and comer, you know what I'm saying? I'll have my own business soon and I'll need people to run it. I'm talkin' about you, Frances. And I'm talkin' about a six-figure income. How does that sound? [she looks at him and rises, moving off to her left.]
Frances
[goes to a refrigerator and pulls out a sample] Everything we supply here is by a quarter-ounce. [returns to the desk and gives it to Cartman] One donor, certified, on record.
Cartman
[inspecting the vial] I see, very interesting. [pulls the cap off and pours the semen onto his left hand]
Frances
What are you doing?
Cartman
Takin' a look here. [pulls out a portable microscope and inspects the semen between his left thumb and index finger. He stretches and squishes the semen. Frances looks on puzzled] Seems like quality stuff you got here, Frances. Yeah, good texture, nice consistency. Sea men must be alive and healthy in there. I'll take five.
Frances
Five? Vials?
Cartman
No, gallons.
Frances
Www-we don't have that much here.
Cartman
Dammit! Give me all you've got, then! [the seminal fluid slides down on his fingers]
South Park, in town. Butters runs from Dougie, who chases after him.
Butters
Aaah! Ah, Ah, Aaah! Nooo! Nooo!
Dougie
Simpsons did it!! Simpsons did it!! [Butters runs past Tom's Rhinoplasty, but stops to look at the town. It warps into Springfield; Tom's Rhinoplasty becomes Wink-E Mart]
Butters
Waaaah! [starts to run again, and the school bus pulls up. Butters hails it down.] Hay! Uh let me on! Let me on! [the door opens and Butters steps on]
Ms. Crabtree
[looking like Otto the driver, but still with bird in hair] SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!
Butters
[jumps backwards] Haaah! [ends up on his back on the sidewalk as the bus pulls away]
Mr. Garrison
[looking like Smithers] Butters, have you seen Mr. Hat?
Chef
[looking like Dr. Hibbert] Hello there, children!
Butters
[runs back the other way] Aaah! Nooo! [Chef and Garrison look at each other]
Mr. Garrison
...What the hell's wrong with him?
Cartman's room, later. Stan looks at the aquarium and sees the civilization has developed further. Pyramids now appear. The sound of running water is in the background. Cut to Kyle filling a larger tank with a water hose..
Stan
Look, the sea people have evolved to an Egyptian-like culture.
Tweek
Soon they'll discover frozen food. Goh-ho.
Cartman
[entering] That should be enough water, Kyle. You got the new sea-people packets, Tweek?
Tweek
Uh-uh huh.
Stan
Well, drop them in! [Tweek opens the packets and drops the contents in]
Cartman
And I've got the sea men. [raises a bowl of semen up to the tank and begins scooping the fluid into the tank.]
Kyle
Wow. That's a lot of sea men you've got there, Cartman.
Cartman
Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan
That's cool.
Cartman
Yeah, and the sweet thing is, this stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck it out of a hose. Heh. [scoops out the last of the semen] There we go. [drops the empty bowl]
Stan
[hands Cartman the smaller tank] Okay, now let's put the sea ciety in its new home. [Cartman takes the tank and turns it over, pouring the sea ciety into the larger tank. Screams are heard from the sea people]
Cartman
Nothin' to do now but wait.[the boys huddle around the new, larger tank.]
Stan
...Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?
Cartman
Uh-huh, suck it out of a hose, yeah.
Stan
Hm.
Kyle
Huh.
Cartman's house, next day. He's asleep, but begins to stir. His eyes open and he grins at what he sees. He hops off the bed and rushes to the tank. He looks here and there and finds a more advanced civilization in the tank.
Cartman
Oh my God! The tiny underwater civilization has advanced hundreds of years. [grabs his magnifier and looks at the society. It now looks Roman. He begins to speak in wonder] Look! There's a library! A-and a temple! And a- who-? [spots a statue. It's one of him. Hundreds of sea people worship it] Oh. They think I'm God. [throws the magnifier away and rejoices] Yes!!! I am god of the sea people!!! You hear that?! [runs to his window, throws the doors open and screams out] I am god of the sea people!!! I am master of their great sunken empire!!! [his mom opens the door and takes some trash to the trash can next to the driveway] Mo-o-om! I'm god of the sea people!
Liane
[returning to the house] That's nice, poopie. [enters and closes the door]
Butters' house, day. He's sitting in the living room, which now takes the appearance of the Simpson living room.
News Anchor
[shown as Kent Brockman] And in other South Park News, elementary school teacher Ms. Choksondik's [Simpsonized] autopsy has shown that the semen in her stomach belongs to school counselor, Mr. Mackey. [also Simpsonized] However, the semen apparently did NOT contribute to the death, and so Mr. Mackey's identity is to remain anonymous. [Mackey's image becomes a silhouette and a question mark appears over it. Simpsonized Stan and Kyle enter the room.]
Stan, Kyle
Hey Butters.
Butters
[spots their altered appearance] Haaa!
Stan
Hey, what are you doing, man? Cartman says he has something really cool to show everybody. You've gotta come.
Butters
Cartman?
Cartman
[arrives, shown as Nelson] Ha ha! [Butters is just stunned.]
Cartman's house, whick now looks like a typical Springfield house, day. In Cartman's room, everyone but Butters is shown Simpsons-style. Present are Chef, Mr. Garrison, Liane, Tweek, Timmy, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Dougie, and Butters. Cartman displays his new sea ciety.
Cartman
Behold! You all see my tiny minions groveling at my likeness! I am Eric Cartman, god.
Kyle
Hey. We paid for the sea people too. How come they're not making statues of us? [Butters looks on with some trepidation]
Cartman
Be you not jealous, Jew. I am creator of all things, yea.
Mr. Garrison
That is very impressive, Eric. What do you intend to do with your underwater society?
Cartman
I'm gonna send a message to my people and tell 'em to develop a great machine that will shrink me down to their size, so I can live amongst them forever.
Butters
[sensing a chance to retort] Aha! Ahaha! Ahahahaha!
Cartman
What the hell is wrong with you, Butters?
Butters
They did that on the Simpsons! Ha! Treehouse of Horror! Episode 4F02! The Genesis tub. Lisa loses a tooth, and the bacteria on it starts to grow, and makes a little society, and they build a statue of her thinking she's God! Ha! Hahaha!
Cartman
[everyone is silent for a few seconds, then] ...So?
Kyle
...Yeah. So?
Cartman
Dude, the Simpsons have done everything already. Who cares?
Stan
Yeah, and they've been on the air for like, thirteen years. Of course they've done everything.
Mr. Garrison
Every idea's been done, Butters, even before the Simpsons.
Chef
Yeah. In fact, that episode was a rip-off of a Twilight Zone episode.
Butters
Really? So I shouldn't care if I come up with an idea, and the Simpsons already did it. It... uh...doesn't... matter. [smiles. Everything before him is back in South Park-style] Everything is back to normal, a, I think... I think I can go back to tryin' to destroy the world again.
Chef
Good for you!
Cartman
Yeah, that's great Butters. Now get the hell out of my room.
Butters
[heads for the door] I feel like a spring chicken. I'm ready to wreak havoc once again! [runs out of the room. Dougie stays behind]
Stan
Hey, look everybody! The other side of the aquarium is building another statue! [the others turn around to see. Shown is a statue of Tweek in progress]
Kyle
Hey! It's Tweek.
Tweek
Me?? Aw, man! I don't wanna be a god. That is waaay too much pressure.
Cartman
That is bullcrap! You'd better stop worshiping him, sea people! [small explosions are seen and the tank jumps]
Mr. Garrison
What's going on now?
Kyle
The sea people from Cartman's side are suicide-bombing the buildings on Tweek's side.
Tweek
Gaaa-hah!
Cartman
Yeah! Go! [two more explosions are seen]
Tweek
NOW what's happening?
Stan
The sea people on Tweek's side just suicide-bombed the Cartman statue.
Cartman
Oh God-damnit! [two missiles, one from behind each statue, fly towards the surface and back down towards their respective targets. The impacts both missiles create tear the tank apart and the sea people flood out of the tank. Screams are heard as they fall to the ground. Cartman is stunned, he looks and falls on his knees.] Oh no! Oh the humanity!
Mr. Garrison
Well it was a nice project while it lasted, boys.
Kyle
Yep. But I guess this proves that war is the natural order of life.
Cartman
Why can't societies just live in peace?
End of The Simpsons Already Did It


  607: "The Simpsons Already Did It" edit
Story Elements

The SimpsonsBart SimpsonSea People • "Sometimes You Kill Your Teacher" • "Sea People and Me"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Sixth Season