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Cast

Script

The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers
Marsh residence, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand in the living room in costume.
Stan
O Great Wizard of Gregendath. What quest do you ask of this Ranger and Paladin?
Cartman
Only one thing can save our kingdom. You must bring me: a piece of pecan pie with toffee ice cream and magic shell. Hurry now!
Kyle
That quest sucks, Cartman! Think of another one!
Randy
[entering] Uh, boys, [the boys look up] Butters' parents want to borrow The Lord of the Rings video we rented. Could you take it over to them?
Stan
You're sending us on... a quest? You ask of us to take the one video to the House of Butters?
Randy
Yeah, whatever.
Cartman
It shall be a long journey with many dangers on the way.
Kyle
But if the tape must be brought to the House of Butters, who else can do it?
Stan
[reaches out and receives the tape] Very well, we shall embark on this quest immediately, father! Come, warriors!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman
Ho! [they head out the front door. Randy moves away from the stairs and towards Sharon on the sofa]
Randy
[snuggles up to her] Hmmm, that gets rid of them.
Sharon
Oooh, you're a little frisky, aren't you?
Randy
Yeah, well uh, The Lord of the Rings wasn't the only thing I rented from the video store. [holds up a VHS case] I also rented... a porno.
Sharon
Oho, you little devil.
Randy
[softly, sensually] You wanna go watch?
Neighborhood streets. The boys are well into their quest.
Stan
How shall we journey to the house of Butters? Through the mines of Endor or over the mountains of Grog?
Kyle
[notices something and gasps] Look out! Here comes the great dragon of Perengraph!
Cartman
Don't worry! I am the great wizard Motortart. I can shield us from the dragon's fire. [a car passes by and Cartman fires away at it with his staff]
Stan
Good job, wizard.
Cartman
And so the party journeyed onward: the great Wizard, the skillful Ranger, and the covetous Jew.
Kyle
I'm a Paladin, Cartman!
Cartman
Jews can't be Paladins.
Marsh residence; bedroom. Randy waxes his eyebrows with saliva getting ready for a night of porno. Sharon appears in a ruby lingerie, leans suggestively against the doorway of the master bathroom and runs her finger along the bedroom wall. Randy takes the porno to the TV.
Sharon
Hey there, cowboy.
Randy
[holds up the video and turns to Sharon] You ready for some hot, steamy fun?
Sharon
[smiling, right index finger against her chin] You bet I am.
Randy
The guys at the office told me I had to rent this porno. They said, "this is without a doubt the hottest porno ever made." [puts the video into the player]
Sharon
[now reclining on the bed, running her finger along the bedsheets] Mmm, sounds good.
Randy
I love that lingerie. [opens his nightgown to reveal a purple cod piece, then in a low voice] Yeah. You like that?
Sharon
Mm, yeah baby.
Randy
Yeeaahhh. [reclines on the bed, facing her and holding the remote control] Alright, you ready?
Sharon
Ready.
Randy
Oh, yeah. [they turn to the TV. Randy starts the video]
Narrator
[the video begins. Randy massages Sharon's arm] The story begins in ages past, in the deep regions of Middle-earth, where Scorn first thrived in the kingdom of Gelgelar.
Randy
Aw man, I hate when pornos try to have a story.
Narrator
Seven rings were cast and given to the races of Men.
Randy
Oh yeah. [begins caressing Sharon]
Narrator
Seven, to the races of Elves, five to the gloondock villagers of Gelgendor. [Sharon takes a good look at the video]
Sharon
Wow, the production values are really good in this porno. [Randy takes a look]
Randy
Yeah, it almost looks like... The Lord of the-- [jumps up and sits on the bed, aghast] Oh, my God! [quickly rises and turns off the TV, gets the video out, and reads] This is Lord of the Rings!
Sharon
But then that mean..?
Randy
The boys have the hottest porno ever made.
Stotch residence. The boys approach. Kyle knocks, Stephen and Linda open the front door.
Stephen
Oh, hello boys.
Stan
My father has asked that we bring you this copy of Lord of the Rings.
Stephen
Well, thank you very much, kind heroes.
Cartman
Perhaps a reward is in order. Gold? Frankensteincense?
Stephen
Oh, but you are noble heroes. We know our thanks is enough. [closes the door. The boys leave]
Cartman
Man, that's crap.
Basement. Butters is drawing something on paper. His parents descend with video in hand.
Stephen
Butters, [Butters stands up] look what we have for you to watch: The Lord of the Rings.
Butters
[rushes up to meet his parents] Oh, boy! Finally I get to see it!
Linda
Now Daddy and I have to do our taxes, so you can watch this by yourself and not get scared?
Butters
Ah I won't get scared, Mom. Promise!
Stephen
That's our man. Here you go. [hands the tape to Butters, who goes to the VCR and puts the tape in. The parents leave]
Butters
Ooh la lolly! I finally get to see Lord of the Rings. [the video begins to play. A man and a woman are heard]
Evan Stone
[softly] Spank that ass. [a few seconds later, a spanking is heard]
Butters
Whoa. [more sounds from the video] Neat-o. [more sounds, a few spankings] Well, this is good.
Marsh car. Randy drives, Sharon worries. They have donned pajamas and thrown on coats.
Sharon
Oh my God, this is gonna be so embarrassing. "Hi, Chris. Hi, Linda. We were just wondering if we could get our porno back." [buries her face in her right hand]
Randy
Calm down, maybe the boys haven't gotten there yet.
The woods. As Randy and Sharon head for Butters' house, the boys walk home through backwoods.
Cartman
And so the party returns home after completing their great quest.
Stan
The one tape was returned and South Park was again at peace. [a few seconds later some headlights shine on them]
Kyle
Quick! A monster of Rivendell!
Cartman
Prepare for battle! [switch to the car]
Sharon
The boys! [Randy drives up to the boys and stops. Both he and Sharon jump out and rush up to them]
Randy
Boys! Boys! [stops] Where's the videotape?
Stan
We gave it to the parents of Butters as commanded by you.
Sharon
Awgh, I guess we have to go talk to 'em now.
Randy
Well, wait a minute, uhhh, boys, do you think you can go get that tape back for us really fast? [the boys look at each other]
Cartman
This sounds like a really important quest.
Randy
Yes, it is. It is more important than anything I've ever asked you to do. You must retrieve the tape. But do not look at it, uh, for it... holds an evil power! Retrieve the tape, and return it to us at home. [falling into a fantasy accent] Do this, and you will be greatly rewarded.
Stan
Woww.
Cartman
This... is so cool.
Kyle
[turns left] Gentlemen, we are off! [the boys turn back to walk to Butters' house. Randy watches them leave]
Randy
[rises and looks at Sharon] Okay, problem solved.
Stotch residence; basement, moments later. Butters is looking at more of the video. He has a surprised expression on his face. Steamy action is heard.
Woman
...Oh my God, I'm so... Mmmm, mmm...
Butters
Oh golly. [his legs part and he points to his crotch] Hey, what's happening down there? [the basement door is heard opening and closing. Butters is fascinated by his body's reaction. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman come down the stairs. Butters reaches for his crotch for tactile inspection]
Stan
We have come to reclaim the one tape! [Butters sits up and Kyle goes for the tape]
Butters
[walks up to Kyle] Wha-wha, what are you doing?! [Kyle removes it and puts it into the LotR case it came in]
Kyle
[walks off. Butters is saddened] The Queen and King of Stan'ses house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them.
Butters
But it's the greatest movie I have ever seen. You guys were right. Lord of the Rings is awesome. Eh, you have to let me finish watching it.
Cartman
Nay, Butters! The one tape must be brought back to Stan'ses house. [the boys head up the stairs and out of the house. Butters opens the door and jumps at them]
Butters' house, outside.
Butters
Bwaagghh! [falls on his face, then quickly gets up and retreats]
Kyle
Butters! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!
Butters
Well, then... then let me go with you.
Kyle
Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings. [Little does Kyle know what Butters' idea of LotR is. The boys turn to walk away]
Butters
Wuh, okay. [Butters jumps on Kyle's left arm and starts making love to it] Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, yeah.
Kyle
[glares at Butters] Butters, what the hell are you doing?!
Butters
[a bit surprised] Playing Lord of the Rings. [resumes the love-making] Ugh, wegh, oh yeah.
Kyle
[smacks Butters with the tape, causing him to fall off] Get the hell off me! You're a freak, Butters! You can't play with us!
Butters
[on hands and knees, with renewed determination] Let me have the tape!
Stan
[takes the tape from Kyle] No, we have to return it! [the boys turn to walk away again. Butters crawls a few inches]
Butters
My movie! [sorrowfully reaches out for it with left hand] My awesome cool movie. My... precious.
The woods, night. The boys retrace their steps through the backwoods.
Cartman
And so the tape was again retrieved to be brought back to Stan'ses house.
Kyle
This copy of Lord of the Rings made the young Butters behave quite oddly.
Stan
Yeah, and mine parents were acting strange about it, too.
Cartman
Perhaps the one videotape has some power we have not foreseen. [three older boys ride up on their bikes and stop before the group. It's the sixth graders]
Sixth Grader 1
[gets off his bike and approaches the boys] Well, well, well! If it isn't Robin Hood and his Merry Men!
Kyle
Oh, crap, the sixth graders!
Sixth Grader 1
Whatcha got there?
Stan
Nothing. [the sixth grader rips the tape out of Stan's hand] Hey, kid!
Sixth Grader 1
[looks at the case] Lord of the Rings? Ha! That movie's gay!
Cartman
You're gay!
Sixth Grader 1
[opens the case and looks at the tape] What the--? [reads the title: "Back Door Sluts 9" XXX] Whoa! [backs up to show the tape to his friends] Check it out, you guys!
Sixth Graders 2 and 3
Whoa!
Stan
Give it back! We're on a quest to return it to my parents!
Sixth Grader 1
[approaches menacingly with the tape. Stan backs up] No way! We're keepin' this and watchin' it ourselves!
Kyle
You can't keep it.
Sixth Grader 1
And what are three little fourth graders gonna do about it, huh?!
Stan
There's four of us! Kenny's soul is still trapped in Cartman's body!
Cartman
Yeah!
Sixth Grader 1
Oh man, I can't wait to see this!
Kyle
[aside to Stan] Dude, that video is making people act strange.
Cartman
The one tape must be returned! [swats the tape out of the sixth grader's hands with the staff and watches as the tape falls into Stan's hands] Run! [the boys run away from the sixth graders]
Sixth Grader 1
Get 'em! [his two friends ride off after the boys. He picks up his bike and joins his friends]
Stotch residence. Randy and Sharon have arrived, and Randy knocks on the door. Stephen answers the door again.
Stephen
Oh, hello, Randy, Sharon.
Randy
Uh... Chris, are the boys over here?
Linda
No, just Butters. He's been watching The Lord of the Rings downstairs.
Sharon
Oh, dear!
Stephen
What's the matter?
Randy
We... [now nervous] Well, this is really sort of funny, but uh, we, we accidentally put a...porno in The Lord of the Rings box. [Sharon shrugs, and both of them smile sheepishly]
Linda
Ohh God!! [the Stotches panic and rush downstairs. The Marshes follow]
Basement. Chris, Linda, Randy and Sharon enter. The TV is still on, but there's static. Butters isn't around.
Stephen
Butters?
Linda
Butters? [they notice the television] Butters!
Butters
[peeks out from behind the sofa, in the shadow, then speaks in a raspy voice] The precious? [his parents turn to see him] Could you bring back my precious?
Stephen
Butters, where is the movie you were watching?
Butters
[crawls out into view] They took his precious, took it away to watch without him. [sits up and puts his hands on his knees] He was really enjoying that movie, too! My... precious.
Randy
The boys must've come and saw what it was and... then taken it away somewhere.
Sharon
[gravely] Oh, no. [Stephen and Linda look back at them]
The woods, later. The camera moves from a clearing to a tree with a large root shading a pocket underneath. The boys come into view.
Kyle
We can't let those sixth graders get their hands on this videotape.
Cartman
I must say I agree. If this copy of The Lord of the Rings is tainted, it would not be safe in the wrong hands.
Sixth Grader 1
[nearby, off screen] I smell fourth graders!
Stan
Oh crap, dude!
Kyle
Hide! [they jump over the massive root and hide in the pocket underneath. The lead sixth grader comes into view and sniffs the air. He hops off and looks around over the root. The boys look up in apprehension. The sixth grader sniffs around above them]
Sixth Grader 2
[off screen] Hey. [the lead sixth grader whips around and goes to see who it is. It's his friend, in brown cap] I think I see something down the hill. [the lead sixth grader looks in that direction, then the sixth graders take off. The boys express relief after a few seconds]
Stan
Ogh. [Cartman sighs silently]
Kyle
Phew. The one videotape is sought after indeed.
Stan
Yeah. Butters, my parents, now the sixth graders.
Cartman
[rises and moves off] Come, guys. We must bring this all to the attention of the High Elf of Paragon.
Kyle
Yeah, the High Elf. He'll know what to do. [the boys leave the root]
Broflovski residence, night. The boys' parents are all gathered in the living room.
Randy
[debriefing Gerald and Sheila] And so that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.
Sheila
Oh God, this, this is horrible!
Gerald
All right, calm down. Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like Crotch Capers 3?
Randy
I'm a...fraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9. [he and Sharon hang their heads in shame]
Gerald, Stephen
Backdoor Sluts 9?!?
Linda
Is that bad?
Stephen
Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
Gerald
I-it is the single most vile, twisted, dark piece of porn ever made. [Sheila gets angrier by the word]
Sheila
[slaps him] How the hell do you know?!
Gerald
[shakily] I, uh, I-I-I read about it in People.
Sheila
[now facing the Marshes] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!
Sharon
We're sorry.
Liane
Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.
Sheila
Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!
Randy
It-it can't hurt 'em that much, can it?
Butters
[pops up outside and taps on a window] Precious. [the adults turn to see the window] Let me see my precious. [slides down the window and out of view] Plee-ee-ee-ease! [the adults just look on]
Stan, Kyle and Cartman arrive at a house. Stan rings the doorbell twice, but no answer.
Cartman
[waves his left hand around] Open. [nothing. He waves his left hand again] Bellog. [the door opens and Clyde appears]
Clyde
What do you guys want?
Stan
We must speak with the High Elf of Paragon.
Clyde
Oh. Okay, hang on a second. [steps back and closes the door, then reopens the door. He is now dressed as an elf. His staff is a small hoe] What troubles you?
Kyle
We have in our possession something of great power. [pulls out the videotape] It is... The Lord of the Rings.
Clyde
So? I have three copies. And the DVD with twelve hours of extra footage.
Stan
Yes, but this is not a-- [stops, then reacts] Wow, twelve hours? ...Yes, but this is not a normal copy. It's making people act really strange. [hands the tape to Clyde]
Cartman
We're seriously, High Elf. Something very evil lurks in this tape.
Clyde
Very well, I shall call the council together. Meet me in the Woods of Gathering behind Talangar the Black's house. And don't let my mom see you, 'cause I'll get in trouble.
Cartman
Thank you, High Elf of Paragon.
Clyde
Faragon, asshole! [closes the door. The boys leave the house and walk off]
Cartman
Clyde's a dick.
A parking lot in town. A bunch of kids are gathered there on their bikes. The lead sixth graders hops onto a car and gets the others' attention.
Sixth Grader 1
Alright, everybody listen up! There's three snot-nosed little fourth graders out there who have a porno called Backdoor Sluts 9.
Other Sixth Graders
Ooooooh!
Sixth Grader 1
I checked it out on the Internet, and it said that Backdoor Sluts 9 is the most hard-core porno ever made.
Other Sixth Graders
Ahhhhh!
Sixth Grader 1
I have amassed this army of sixth graders to get the tape by any means necessary. Now, let's go get that porno! [the sixth graders scream and charge out into the night on their bikes]
Token's mansion, backyard. Very leafy backyard indeed. The camera moves from a shot of the moon to a shot of all the fourth grade boys seated around a small table.
Clyde
And so that is the situation. The video may or may not have evil power. Kyle, would you bring it up here, please? [Kyle gets up, walks to the table, and stands the tape on it]
Other Boys
Ahhh.
Jimmy
That video could have been made by Sauron's evil f-...forces.
Craig
It could hold a mental spell of some kind.
Kevin
[wearing a Star Wars Imperial stormtrooper helmet] Perhaps we could use it to strengthen our star cruisers. [the kids look at him. One shot has Tweek wearing a large coffee tin on his head, Pip dressed as an elf, a kindergartner wearing a Fett helmet, then one of Stan, Kyle and Cartman]
Cartman
Kevin, god-damnit..! [Kevin looks around, then hops off his chair and leaves]
Clyde
Look, until we see this tape's power for ourselves, we cannot risk giving it to anybody.
Stan
But if we watch it, we could fall under its spell, too.
Clyde
That is true. Only a Paladin with a high constitution should watch the tape. Therefore, I think it is a job for you, Talangar the Black.
Token
[thinks about this, then leaves his seat] I am not scared. I'll go inside and watch the tape, [reaches the table and gets the tape] just for a few seconds. If I do not return in two minutes, send a party in after me. [walks towards the house] The fate of Middle-earth... is in my hands. [reaches the sliding door and enters the house, closing the door behnd him]
The neighborhood. The sixth graders come into view on their bicycles making all sorts of noise.
Sixth Grader 1
Fourth graders! Give us that porn-o! [they go out of view. A moment later the Marsh car comes into view]
Sharon
Boys? [the Broflovskis are in the back seat]
Sheila
[with her head out the window] Boys, we're not mad at you. We just wanna talk to you. [behind them is the Stotch car]
Token's mansion, backyard. The boys wait for Token's verdict.
Cartman
Talangar the Black returns from watching the video. [the other boys stir]
Clyde
What vice did you see on the videotape, Talangar? Is it the work of Sauron's magic? [Token returns to the table and places the tape there]
Token
I'm not playing anymore. [walks off]
Stan
[steps forward] Uh, well—Wait, what'd you see?
Token
[stops and turns] I don't know, I don't wanna know. I'm out. [claps his hands, then walks back into the house, sliding the door open and closed. The boys look on]
Cartman
My God, this thing must really be powerful. [the boys turn to look at the tape]
Kyle
This tape makes people freak out wherever it goes.
Stan
What do we do with it?
Clyde
One thing for sure, this tape cannot be trusted with anybody. It must be returned to the video store from whence it came.
Jimmy
Well, where is the videotape rented from?
Kyle
[picks up the tape and looks for the store name] Two Towers Video Store. I-in Conifer.
Tweek
Conifer? Walking there would take hours!
Craig
There's no alternative. We have to return the tape before it causes more damage!
Kindergartner
I'll go.
Craig
Ha! We cannot trust something of that much power to a dwarf! Especially a kindergartner dwarf. [all the boys begin to chatter, nominating who should return the video]
Craig
You're too young.
Cartman
Quiet!
Jimmy
You guys, this is stupid.
Cartman
You're acting like a bunch of assholes!
Stan
I will take it! [the boys quiet down and Stan approaches the table. He takes the tape in hand. Cartman closes his eyes in meditation] I will walk to the video store.
Clyde
It is too far and too dangerous to go alone. Take with you the wizard [Cartman], the dwarf [the kindergartner], the warrior [Craig], the cleric [Jimmy], and the Jew [Kyle].
Kyle
[flashes anger] Paladin!
Clyde
Very well. You shall be the Fellowship of The Lord of the Rings. Good luck. I have to go home now before I get in trouble.
Tweek
Me too.
Other Boys
[agreeing] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Craig
Only the six of us are to go?
Stan
No, no, there's seven of us. Kenny's soul is still trapped in Cartman's body, remember?
Cartman
Yeah, stupid. [higher pitch] Yeah. Luckily, Cartman's big enough for the both of us. [a bit lower] Shut up, Kenny.
Kenosha Pass, snowing. The boys walk along the highway through the pass.
Narrator
So it was that the heroes traveled many miles to return The Lord of the Rings to the video store.
Kyle
We have reached the Great Pass of Mount Ururalak.
Craig
Look out! [a small avalanche of snow appears in front of them]
Kyle
[gasps a little] We were almost killed.
Cartman
A dark wizard must be trying to stop us!
Stan
True. Someone or something doesn't want this video returned to the video store.
Token's mansion. The boys' parents are at the front door. The front door opens and Token's parents appear.
Token's Father
Oh. Hello everybody.
Gerald
Steve, uh, we heard that a bunch of the kids were over here a little while ago.
Token's Mother
Well yes, I believe they were, but they've gone. What's the matter?
Randy
We think our boys might be showing other chiildren a, uh... pornographic tape.
Steve
What? But Token's never seen a porno before. He wouldn't know what to—Oh God! [rushes to look for Token]
Token's Mother
Token! [the other parents rush in]
The dining room table. Token sits alone on one of the many seats there. The adults arrive.
Token's Mother
Token? Did the boys come over and... show you a movie? [no answer]
Steve
Token? [no answer, long pause] Alright, Token. We know you must be very confused about what you saw. [no response, long pause]
Randy
[kneels next to Token] Yes, uh... you see, Token... that was called a pornographic film. I-it shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. [no response, long pause] Well, y-you see, when a, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called love-making, and it's part of being in love.
Token
[no response, long pause] ...And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love too? [no response] Five midgets, spanking a man... covered with Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love?
Steve
Jesus, what kind of porno is that?
Gerald
It was Backdoor Sluts 9.
Steve
Oh, Jesus, not that one! [his wife gives him an angry look]
Sheila
Oh, Gerald, poor Kyle must be just as confused and scared as this poor kid.
Gerald
Uh, Token, this is very important: do you know where the boys went with the naughty tape?
Bailey, town limit. The boys arrive there.
Craig
We're entering the limits of Bailey. Everyone stay close.
Stan
Perhaps the Great Ringworm of Bailey is about.
Kindergartner
Ringworms are no match for a dwarf.
Cartman
Yes, we shall slay the Ringworm and take his bounty of treasure! [they pass a yard on which some kids are playing] For that is the way of the--
Boy 1
I shall put a magic spell on you!
Boy 2
I have blocked your spell, wizard!
Kyle
Hey, what are you guys doing? [the Bailey kids turn and look]
Boy 3
We're playing Harry Potter.
Cartman
[after a few moments of thought] Ha!! Fags! [the boys move on. They soon pass a Country Café]
Kyle
[suddenly wary] You guys. Somebody is following us.
Cartman
It's Butters.
Kyle
Butters?
Cartman
Yes. He's been following us for like two hours. [behind the six boys, at some distance, is Butters, skulking along in the shadows]
Butters
The precious videotape. L-let the Butters see it.
Cartman
Just ignore him; maybe he'll go away.
Jimmy
Hey fellas, mind if we take a little re-rest?
Cartman
There's no time for rest, sorcerer! Keep up! [the sound of sixth graders is heard in the distance. The boys look around to find the direction of the sound. The sixth graders appear in the horizon behind them and ride in quickly, screaming all the while]
Jimmy
They are coming. [a shot of the sixth graders] You guys go on ahead.
Kyle
Jimmy, are you sure?
Jimmy
Go! [the other five boys take off, leaving Jimmy to face the sixth graders alone. He turns and stares down the approaching throng] You shall not...pah..? You shall not..puh... [the sixth graders draw closer] You shall not paah... [a shot of the young bikers, then a distance shot of Jimmy, then a shot of the young bikers, a shot of Jimmy, a shot of the young bikers, a quick shot of Jimmy, then the sixth graders as they reach Jimmy] You shall not pa--! [the sixth graders take shots at him as they pass by. He falls and gets up] You shall not paah--! [struck down again, rises, is struck down, rises...] You shall not puh-uh-uh-- [falls again. The last of the sixth graders passes by, and Jimmy stands up, all beat up, with tire tracks and bruises on his face and a black eye] You shall not pass. [falls down]
A river, further along the quest. Stan looks back to see about Jimmy.
Stan
Jimmy didn't stop them!
Kyle
They're gonna take The Lord of the Rings from us.
Cartman
Quick! Cross the river! Sixth graders can't stand water!
Craig
What? That's stupid.
Cartman
I'm a high-ranking white wizard, Craig, and I say sixth graders are opposed to water!
Craig
Whatever. I'm going back to play with the Harry Potter kids. [walks off]
Kindergartner
Me too. [follows Craig]
Cartman
Go ahead and play Harry Butthole Pussy Potter!
Stan
Just get across the river! They're coming! [the three remaining boys scramble across the river. The sixth graders arrive. Two of them stop their tires by performing wheelies and landing their bikes back on the road. The lead sixth grader rides up between them]
Sixth Grader 1
What the hell is wrong with you guys?! Get the tape!
Sixth Grader 4
Dude, I don't wanna get wet.
Sixth Grader 5
Yeah, I don't really like the water.
Sixth Grader 2
Besides, if our bikes get wet, their chains'll rust.
Sixth Grader 1
Oh, god-damnit. Alright, come on. We'll find a bridge. [the bikers ride off]
The woods, later. The boys walk through it.
Narrator
The quest continued to return The Lord of the Rings to the video store.
Stan
Man, we should have never crossed that stupid river.
Kyle
Yeah. Good job, wizard fat ass! Now we're totally lost.
Cartman
We're not lost, Jewgar of Jewlingrad, we just don't know where we are! [twitched] That's what "lost" means, stupid! Kenny, shut your goddamned mouth!
Stan
This is great! We're in the middle of nowhere and nobody knows what direction the video store is in!
Butters
[crawls up to them] The Butters knowses.
Kyle
Oh brother!
Butters
The video store. Yesss. Not far from here. We can show you wheres it is.
Stan
Where?!
Butters
First, just let Butters sseee the precious.
Kyle
No, Butters. Look what it's done to you. It's made you even lamer than before.
Cartman
If that was possible.
Stan
Tell us how to get to the video store, Butters, or else we're gonna kick your ass!
Butters
[puts up his arms to shield himself] Ha-a-a. No hurtses the Butters. [squats with his arms hanging over his knees] We will show you the way. Yesss. This way it is. [walks forward in a squatting manner]
The road. Randy, Sharon, Gerald and Sheila ride in the Marsh car, with Randy driving, and Stephen drives the Stotch car.
Sheila
This is awful! I just know with every passing minute, little Kyle is seeing more and more depraved sex acts!
Gerald
Well, we'll find them. A-and then we'll try to put what they saw into context.
Sharon
Look! There's one of the boys now! [before them is Jimmy, fallen and asleep in the middle of the road. Randy steps on the brakes] Jimmy!
Randy
[the adults jump out of their cars and approach him] Jimmy! Jimmy! [Jimmy awakens and looks up] Where did the boys go with the porno tape?
Jimmy
They're taking it to the vi... the vi... the vii...
Stephen
Come on Jimmy, we don't have a lot of time.
Jimmy
They took it back to the video s... the video s...
Randy
The video sandwich?
Stephen
The video stockyard.
Randy
What's a video stockyard, Jimmy?
Jimmy
No, the video suh... the video s...tih...
Gerald
Stinger?
Stephen
Staples. They went to the video Staples. Where's that, Jimmy?
Jimmy
N-n-no, you retards! The video s...tore!
Adults
The video store! [they go to their cars]
Sheila
Hurry! Hurry!
Randy
I know where it is! [they get in their cars and peel off. ("When did the Broflovski station wagon arrive?") Jimmy is left where he was when they arrived]
Two Towers video store. The boys arrive out of breath and head for the front door.
Kyle
Oh no! They're closed!
Stan
Closed?
Sixth Grader 1
[off screen] There they are!
Sixth Grader 6
[the throng of sixth graders approach] Don't let them turn it back into the video store!
Cartman
We're screwed.
Stan
[seeing a way out of this mess] Wait. A drop box. [goes to it and pulls down the door] Quick, Kyle, drop the movie in!
Kyle
Finally. [he and Cartman move towards the box. Butters looks on] It's over.
Butters
[now moving] Precious. Must have our precious. Waagh! [jumps on Kyle and runs off with the tape]
Kyle
Butters! No!
Butters
[now in the middle of the parking lot] Now wees hases it! [the sixth graders close in]
Stan
They're coming!
Kyle
[goes after Butters and tries to wrest the tape from him] It has to go back!
Butters
It wantses to stay with the Butter kid.
Sixth Grader 1
[a foot away] There it is! Give me that tape! [Butters holds on tight to the tape, smiling wide.]
Kyle
[picks Butters up and carries him off] Let go of the tape, Butters!
Butters
I'll never let go! [Stan opens the drop box and holds the door open]
Kyle
Fine! [tosses him into the drop box]
Butters
Precious! [Stan closes the door. The lead sixth grader leaps off his bike and rushes to the drop box]
Sixth Grader 1
Nooo! [reaches in and fishes around for it] No, nooo! [walks off in disgust and hits the window] Damnit! [the other sixth graders arrive]
Sixth Grader 2
Aw man, now we'll never see the hot action.
Sixth Grader 1
You stupid little fourth graders!
Cartman
The tape is returned to which it came. Its power over you shall fade as well.
Kyle
Middle-earth is again safe.
Sixth Grader 1
Yeah? Well, that's not gonna stop us from kicking your asses!
Stan
Uh-oh.
The lead sixth grader approaches punching his left fist into his right hand. The other sixth graders move in alowly. Headlights appear and a car horn sounds. The sixth graders look at the cars, as do the boys. The cars pull to a stop short of the boys.
Randy
Boys! Boys!
Sixth Grader 1
Crap! Parents! [gets on his bike and turns away] Come on, guys. [the sixth graders leave] We'll see you next time, fourthies!
Cartman
And perhaps they would. But for now the sixth grader army was defeated.
Randy
There you are!
Sheila
Oh, Kyle! You're safe!
Stan
Oh hey guys, uh... We were just about to come home. We had to return the video.
Randy
A-alright, now, now listen, kids. There's some things we need to put into context for you. You see, a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina for both love and pleasure. But sometimes the woman lays on top of the man facing the other way so that they can put each other's genitals in their mouths. [the boys are stunned] Uh, this is called "69ing" and it's normal.
Sharon
See boys, a woman is sensitive in her vagina and it... feels good to have a man's penis inside of it.
Sheila
That's right, but sometimes a woman chooses to use other things. Telephones, staplers, magazines. It's because the nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive, it's like a fun tickle.
Gerald
Now, on to double penetration, boys. You see, sometimes when a woman has sex with more than one man, each man makes love to a different orifice.
Randy
That's right. It's something adults can do with really good friends in a comfortable setting.
Sheila
It's also important that you understand why some people choose to urinate on each other.
Randy
Going number 1 or number 2 on your lover is something people might do, but you must make sure your partner is okay with it before you start doing it.
Gerald
Okay, boys. Do you have any questions? [the boys are still stunned, but one of them finally speaks]
Stan
...Wow. [another long moment of stunned silence]
Randy
Well, let's all get going.
Sheila
Yeah, come on boys. Time to get home. [the adults head for their cars, but the boys stay frozen in place]
Stephen
[turns around. Linda does as well] Wait a minute. Where's Butters?
Two Towers video store, inside the bin behind the drop box.
Butters
[rises from the batch of videotapes that buried him] Wu-u-wees hases our preciouseses! Hases it... Hases it...
End of The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers


  613: "The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers" edit
Story Elements

Back Door Sluts 9Two Towers Video Store

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Sixth Season