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The Poor Kid/Script

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< The Poor Kid


Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Kenny McCormick/Mysterion
  • Craig Tucker
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Mrs. McCormick
  • Kevin McCormick
  • Karen McCormick
  • Liane Cartman
  • South Park Officers
  • Mr. Adams
  • Mr. Weatherhead
  • Mrs. Weatherhead
  • Greeley Officers
  • Greeley Principal
  • David (blond boy with glasses)
  • Melissa (ginger girl)
  • Jessica Pinkerton
  • Four Greeley Boys
  • Three Greeley Girls
  • Three White Trash Women
  • White Trash Man
  • Narrator
  • Announcer

Script

[The McCormick house, living room. Stuart and Kevin are fighting as Mrs. McCormick carries Karen out of harm's way. Kenny's on the sofa watching TV, ignoring all the drama around him.]
Stuart: You think you're man enough to fight me, you little shit?!
Kevin: Yes, 'cause you're a drunk piece of shit, Dad!
Mrs. McCormick: You're both drunk pieces of shit! Both of you sit the fuck down!
Kevin: Shoot him!
[Kenny's watching a show that will have an unexpected twist. Right in front of the TV is an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Random images of white trash culture pop up. The first one is a trailer with an awning]
Announcer: They're noisy.
Man 1: Fuck you, bitch! [runs out of the trailer]
Woman 1: [throws an unlabeled crumpled empty bottle at him] Fuck you, you son of a bitch! [the man turns around and walks back to the trailer to hit her]
[next is a backyard fight between two women. A blonde is holding a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer]
Announcer: They're nasty.
Woman 2: [redhead, to a blonde] You done spilled that on my titties, skank! [shoves her off her feet, taking the beer the blonde was holding and finishing it off]
Woman 3: Oww...
Announcer: They're white trash. And when you give them a little Pabst Blue Ribbon [an image of the beer bottle fills the screen], they can't help getting arrested. [Kevin picks up a block and throws it at Stuart, hitting him on the forehead. Onscreen, police break up a fight among several men] Tonight, on an all-new... White Trash... In Trouble!
[A narrator appears on screen, wearing a beige overcoat, standing in a graffiti-riddled set]
Narrator: Pabst Blue Ribbon and white trash. It's a deadly combination that can lead to prison time and children being taken away from their home. This white trash home in Colorado seems innocent enough. [The McCormick home is shown]
Kenny: [sits up upon recognizing the house] (Hmmm. What the fuck?) [goes to see what's going on. Stuart and Kevin continue to fight, and Mrs. McCormick tries to intervene, only to have Stuart slap her.]
Narrator: But the children in this home live in a world of neglect. There's no heating, no groceries, [a spotlight pans around the back yard] and if you look closely in the backyard, you can even make out what appears to be a meth lab. [a red arrow points to a small shed against the house which does indeed have a meth lab in it. Kenny looks out a window next to the back door.]
Kenny: [runs back to warn his parents] (Mom, the cops are here! Mom, Dad, the cops are here!) [Kevin has gotten on Stuart's back and is choking him. At the front door, police make use of a battering ram to get into the house. They all rush in and surround the family]
Cops: Down on the ground! Move it! Let's go! Move move! Get down, now! [The parents get on their knees and put their hands behind their heads. Ten officers end up in the living room with guns drawn. There are twice as many officers outside.]
[The McCormick house, outside, night. The parents have been arrested and are escorted out by police. The kids walk out freely]
Mrs. McCormick: No! Muh babies! Don't take my babies!
Stuart: [taken to one car] You're hurting my arm!
Mrs. McCormick: [taken to another] My babies!
Stuart: You're hurting me!
Officer 1: You have the right to remain silent. Now please look at the camera and say "I'm white trash and I'm in trouble."
Stuart: I'm white trash and I'm in trouble. ["IN TROUBLE" is stamped on the screen right away. This happens after every admission of "I'm white trash and I'm in trouble."]
Officer 1: Alright, good. Now get in the car! [Stuart gets in. A crowd gathers to view this scene]
Cartman: [filming with his phone] Oh wow, poor people being arrested. What a rare occurrence. [chuckles and waves with his left hand] Hi, Kenny! Kenny, wave! [to his phone] That's Kenny, about to be sent to a foster home. Pretty funny.
Officer 2: Just have a seat in there, kids. [puts the kids into the back seat]
Kevin: [still drunk, but mocking] Just have a seat in there, kids. [the cop closes the door]
[Park County Police Station, later.]
Officer 1: The mother and father will probably be released from jail on Monday, but I guess the kids are gonna be taken away for good. Child Protective Services is about to talk to them in the soft room.
Officer 3: The soft room?
Officer 1: You know, the room we have set aside for kids to feel safe in.
[The soft room. It's a room with large pictures of friendly-faced clowns on all four walls. Against the walls are toys and games for small kids to enjoy as they wait. The McCormick kids sit on a sofa, looking around the room scared at the clown pictures. The door opens and a heavy-set man walks in.]
Mr. Adams: Hi kids, how you doin'? My name's Mr. Adams and I just need to get some info from you. Does that sound okay?
Karen: [scared, sniffling, she holds on to Kenny] Can I see my mommy?
Mr. Adams: No, sorry. Now, [opens a folder] I've been looking over your file and I see you kids have all been horribly physically and emotionally abused. [the kids look at him in astonishment] Oh whoops, that isn't your case file, it's the Penn State University Gazette. [laughs] I'm joking, that's just a joke, we like to have fun here. [closes the folder and shows it to the kids] It is your case file. I was just all like "it's the Penn State Gazette" to be like a joke, we have fun. Now listen, you're gonna be put into a foster home, so I need to know... would you like to go to Neverland Ranch, a Catholic church, or Penn State University? [laughs at his own joke] We're havin' fun here, aren't we? I just, I come up with these and the guys, it's good to laugh. [goes to the door and yells into the hall] I just asked them if they wanted to go to Neverland, a Catholic church, or Penn State. [closes the door and returns to his chair] I'm a trickster. People say I'm really meant for comedy. Here's my head shot just in case you know anybody. [shows his picture, then hands out copies to the kids] Can't hurt, right? Okay, now, are we all startin' to feel a little bit better? [Karen cries] Oh come on now, how about that smile? I'm gonna GET [holds out his right palm] you to smile! I'm gonna GET [holds out his right palm again] you to smile! [silence] A Penn State administrator walks into a bar. Where's that smile? How about this one? Joe Paterno doesn't walk into a police station. Come on, that's a good one.
[South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway. Stan walks over to Kyle]
Stan: Did you hear anything more about what happened?
Kyle: Dude, I don't think Kenny's coming back. My dad said those Child Protective Services people are pretty serious.
Stan: We can't let Kenny be sent away forever. There's gotta be something we can do.
Cartman: [runs up to the other two with a memo pad] Guys! Guys! I've been workin' on it, and I think I have some answers.
Stan: Really?
Cartman: Yeah. I've gone through every student in the school, and I'm pretty sure now that Kenny's gone, the poor kid is Craig!
Kyle: That's what you care about?! Who's the poorest kid in school now?!
Cartman: Pretty much went through everybody. Craig's got the mo- [noticing Craig coming into view] sh, sh sh sh sh. Here he comes, here he comes. [as Craig passes by] Heya, Craig, your uh... your family get you that jacket at Walmart or Kmart? [stifles a laugh]
Craig: What are you talking about?
Cartman: Nothing dude, it's cool, it's cool. I mean, we would tell your parents to shop at nicer places, but... your mom is so poor she can't even pay attention. [stifles a laugh]
[A rundown two-story house somewhere, day. Two police officers arrive with the McCormick kids at their new home, A man answers the door as his wife stands some distance away from it.]
Officer 2: Mr. and Mrs. Weatherhead, we have the new foster kids for your care. [the kids enter]
Mr. Weatherhead: Very good, we'll take them from here. Children, enter. [the kids walk in further, the cops leave, Mr. Weatherhead closes the door, and Mrs. Weatherhead's face gets stern] Welcome to your new home. Before we show you around let's get one thing clear: this is a very strict religious household! As long as you live here you will be agnostic! [leads the children to a group of nine other kids] These are your foster brothers and sisters! They are all strict agnostics! David, do you believe in God?!
David: [blond boy with glasses] I don't know...
Mr. Weatherhead: Right! There are two bedrooms upstairs! Boys' room and girls' room! Your chores are listed on their respective doors! Follow! [guides them into the kitchen] You will eat only at designated meal times! Beverages you may take from the refrigerator as you like! However, in this house you will drink only agnostic beverages! [opens the refrigerator door to reveal the contents] Dr Pep-er, and Diet Dr Pep-er! [takes out a can and shows it to the kids] Because what flavor is it?! It is neither root beer nor cola! Nobody is sure what flavor it is, and nobody can be sure! Isn't that right, Melissa?!
Melissa: [ginger girl] I don't know.
Mr. Weatherhead: Good!
[South Park Elementary Computer Lab, day. Butters is doing research for Cartman as Cartman watches.]
Cartman: This is awesome, Butters! You really think you got something?!
Butters: Yep. To find out who the poorest kid in school is, I actually was able to see which kids in school got those coupons they hand out for school lunch.
Cartman: Eh yeah?
Butters: So then I crossed that with all the kids who were on half-priced lunches with the tax records of people in town to see which kids' parents actually made the least amount of money last year.
Cartman: [laughs] Heh heh, yeah?
Butters: Well actually, Eric, it's you. [Cartman keeps his smile for a few seconds more, then frowns.]
Cartman: What?
Butters: Now that Kenny's gone, [points to Cartman] your household actually has the lowest income. [Cartman is stunned, then dejected. Butters consoles him] I'm sorry, pal.
Cartman: [hops off his chair and moves off a bit, then gets a panicked look] Oh my God... If we found this out it's only a matter of time before everybody else does.
Butters: Uh, I won't tell anybody.
Cartman: [turns around and glares at Butters] Oh come on! We're not the only ones who wanted to look into this! You think, you think Kyle isn't on the computer right now tryin' to see who the poorest kid in school is?! Oh he is gonna have such a field day, that heartless Jew! [makes a fist, then crosses his arms] Well I won't give him the satisfaction!
[South Park Elementary, hallway. Bill and Red are chatting, Lola talks to Bebe. As the kids mill around, Cartman comes around the corner and moves from person to person as he speaks.]
Cartman: Alright, let's hear it for Kyle! [claps] He's so funny, isn't he guys?! With all his jokes about Cartman being poor. You guys hear how poor Cartman's mom is?! His mom is so poor the ducks throw bread at her! Hahaha! That's super funny, guys! [Stan and Kyle turn from their lockers to look at him] Laugh it up, everyone! [ends up by Stan and Kyle] Cartman's mom is so poor that when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers! HA! I beat you to it, Kehal!
Kyle: [slowly so that there's no mistake] My name, is not, Keh-al!
Cartman: That's kewl! Whatever Keh-al! Must be nice having everything you want! [runs away]
[The Cartman residence, the same day. Liane enters the living room with groceries and sees her son on the armchair.]
Liane: Hi, sweetie.
Cartman: [sighs] Sit down Mom, we need to have a talk.
Liane: [sets the groceries on the floor] Oh, what is it this time? [sits down on the sofa]
Cartman: Mom, how are you going to start bringing more money into this household?
Liane: What, hon?
Cartman: You have to start doing more, Mom! What are you doing with your time?!
Liane: Eric, I'm working two jobs. Mommy's doing everything she can.
Cartman: Yeah, see, the problem is, Mom, is that with Kenny gone I'm now the poorest kids in skewl!
Liane: Well, we're in a tough economy, Eric. I don't know what else you want me to do about it.
Cartman: [trying to get this straight] We're in a tough economy. You don't know what else I want you to do about it. Life isn't handed to you, Mom! You just can't sit on your ass and expect some money to appear!
Liane: Eric, we aren't that much poorer than most people.
Cartman: Not much huh?! My mom is so poor, when she heard about the Last Supper she thought she was running out of food stamps!
Liane: Oh. [laughs]
Cartman: IT'S NOT FUNNY, MOM!! [runs off]
[Cartman's room, night. Cartman is on his bed crying]
Cartman: My mom is so poor she waves around a Popsicle and calls it air conditioning. I wish I could be put in a kewl foster home like Kenny's familyyy.
[The Weatherhead house, night. There are cows everywhere and no pavement on the sidewalk or path to the house. In the girls' room there are six girls, and one of them is crying while the others sleep. It's Karen. A shadow comes over her and she stops crying when she notices. She gets on her knees in bed]
Karen: Huh? [calms down] Oh, it's you. [smiles. In the window is Mysterion!] I was wondering when you'd appear. You always come when I'm sad.
Mysterion: You are going to be okay, Karen! You have to keep believing that!
Karen: Why did my mommy and daddy go to jail?
Mysterion: [thinks a moment] Sometimes, people do stupid things. Sometimes they don't realize what should have come first. Until it's too late.
Karen: But I'm all alone now.
Mysterion: You are not alone. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I will always be here! Do you understand?
Karen: I'll try, guardian angel.
Mysterion: Don't try, Karen. Do. [the bedroom light comes on]
Mr. Weatherhead: What in the name of nobody knows are you doing, Karen?! [she looks back at him, then at the window. Mysterion is gone. Mr. Weatherhead goes to the window and looks out to see what Karen was looking at. Failing to see him, he closes the windows and keeps vigil for a bit]
[Park County Police Station. A phone rings and one of the officers answers it.]
Officer 4: Police man. [starts taking notes] Yes. Yes. Alright, thanks for the tip. We'll check it out. [hangs up] Better call the lieutenant. Looks like we've got another meth lab in town.
[The Cartman house, night. The front yard is full of police, and a few of them are inside, as seen through the open front door. Liane is being arrested and nearby are two suitcases]
Officer 5: Got any needles on you? Any crack pipes?
Liane: Oh, oh, my goodness no. I haven't used drugs in quite a while.
Officer 5: Then why is there a meth lab in your backyard?
Cartman: [comes down the stairs in a Hawaiian shirt] What is going on here? Mom, what have you done? Were things so bad for you financially you had to turn to a life of crime?! My mom is so poor she uses Cheerios for earrings. Well... guess I'm off to a foster home then. [walks over to the suitcases and grabs the handles] Hawaii is my first choice. Something not exactly on the beach but maybe just a short walk away? [turns left and begins to walk out] Gonna take me years to recover from being torn from my mother's arms. Only the ocean breezes and coconut trees can help me now.
Officer 5: When will you people learn to lay off the Pabst Blue Ribbon? Now look at the camera and say "I'm white trash and I'm in trouble."
Liane: Oh. Ah, I'm white trash and I'm in trouble.
[Park County Police Station, day, the soft room. Cartman sits there waiting for Mr. Adams, who soon enters.]
Mr. Adams: Hi there, how you doin'? My name's Mr. Adams, and I'm with Child Protective Services. [sits down, but just as quickly gets up] Here's my head shot. [gives Cartman a picture of himself] I just need to get some information from you if that's okay.
Cartman: [sets the picture aside] Yeah, yeah.
Mr. Adams: Okay, now it says here your mother was operating a meth lab.
Cartman: That's right.
Mr. Adams: And it also says here that Penn State prefers to be losing at halftime? Because at Penn State they like when you're a little behind in the locker room. That's a joke. Did you get that one? It's a play on words, we like to have fun here.
Cartman: Wha'? Dude, do you think this is funny?!
Mr. Adams: We just - no, we just like to have fun here.
Cartman: Well I'll tell you somethin'! Being from a low-income household isn't funny! Oh heell no, my momma's so poor she opened a Gmail account just so she could eat the spam! [Mr. Adams doesn't look too happy]
Mr. Adams: What? What, is that supposed to be some kind of joke? You think you're funny?
Cartman: A joke?! You think being poor is a joke?!
Mr. Adams: Could be worse.
Cartman: How?!
Mr. Adams: Could be in Happy Valley! On a scale from 1 to 10, how old should you be to stay away from Penn State?
Cartman: Dude, my momma's so poor when she gets mad she can't afford to fly off the handle so she's gotta go Greyhound off the handle!
Mr. Adams: [sighs] Two Penn State administrators walk into a butt-!
[On the road, day. Two police officers drive Cartman towards his new foster home]
Cartman: Jesus, this is a long drive. Are we in Hawaii yet?
Officer 6: Hawaii?
Cartman: Yeah, that's where I requested to be sent.
Officer 7: Your foster home is here, pretty much the exact opposite of Hawaii.
Cartman: What?? [looks out the window. A sign on the side of the road says "Welcome to Greeley, 'The Exact Opposite of Hawaii" Please drive safely" A crow stands on top of the sign] Greeley?
[The Weatherhead residence, same day. The kids are mopping, dusting, sweeping, or scrubbing the dining room area. Kenny is scrubbing the floor while Karen sweeps up nearby with a push broom. One boy is vacuuming the throw rug in the living room. Mr. Weatherhead walks by]
Mr. Weatherhead: Come on now! This is not the way we told you to tidy up! Remember? Cleanliness is next to godliness, so make it kind of clean but not too much! Amanda! More ambiguous on the dusting! [there's a knock on the door] Kenneth, answer the door! [Kenny gets up and walks to the front door, opens it, and allows Cartman in and closes the door]
Cartman: What the? Dude, this is like poorer than my old house!
Kenny: (What the fuck are you doing here?!)
Mrs. Weatherhead: Hello Eric, your room is upstairs to the left. Are you hungry?
Cartman: You're my new mom?
Mrs. Weatherhead: You can call me Mom if you like.
Cartman: Alright Mom, how much money do you make? Like gross yearly income after taxes?
[Upstairs. The boys' room is opened and Mr. Weatherhead shows Cartman in]
Mr. Weatherhead: This is where you'll sleep with your foster brothers. You will be clean, polite, and most importantly, you WILL follow the agnostic code: We cannot know for certain if God or Christ existed. They COULD. Then again there COULD be a giant reptilian bird in charge of everything. Can we be CERTAIN there isn't? NO, so it's pointless to talk about. Now say it with me.
Cartman: Goddamn, I've gotta sleep in a room with six other people?! How poor are we?!
Mr. Weatherhead: HEY! We do not take the Lord's name in vain in this house, just in case there is one! Do you understand, or do you need the punishment room?!
Cartman: Oh heell now! [yells into the hallway] Mom! Dad's being mean to me! Mem! MEEM! [Mrs. Weatherhead walks in]
Mr. Weatherhead: My name. Is not. Meom!
[Greeley Elementary, day. There are cows all over the campus and the building is even plainer than South Park Elementary's. Inside, Cartman walks with Kenny and Karen down the hallway]
Cartman: Oh God, I'm so nervous. These kids all seem kind of mean.
Karen: I'll see you at recess, right?
Kenny: (I'll be there, Karen.) [Karen walks into her classroom]
Cartman: You've already been here awhile, Kenny, so you have to introduce me to your friends, okay? And make sure they know I'm kewl. You've gotta have my back, Kenny! [Kenny walks up to a group of his new friends]
Boy 1: [with thick wavy hair] Oh hey, Kenny. Who's this?
Kenny: (This is Eric Cartman.)
Boy 2: [the tall one] Does he live with you at the foster home?
Cartman: [moves past Kenny] Okay, alright, so listen: I know our family is poor, okay?! But before we lived there, Kenny was actually poorer than me! So technically, he's the poorest kid at this school!
Boy 1: What are you talking about? The poor kid at this school is Jacob Hallery. [Hallery is shown seated on some steps, looking unkempt and eating moldy bread]
Cartman: Really?
Boy 2: Yeah, dude. His dad died five years ago and his mom went crazy from depression, so she can't even keep a job.
Cartman: [jumps for joy] YES! Yeheah, did you hear that Kenny?? We're good! I seriously thought we didn't stand a chance, but now... everything's gonna be okay!

Cause I'm not (I'm not) the poor kid at school! [runs up to Jacob]
Let's hear it for Jacob Hallery, guys!
His mom is so poor she cuts coupons out to be institutionalized!
Greeley Colorado's the place to be!
It's a whole new beginning for you and me!
Life can only get better 'cause I know one simple ruuule!
I'm not (he's not) the poor kid at school!

Boy 1: Did he do stuff like this at your old school?
Kenny: (Uh huh.)
Cartman: Let's put our hands up, everyone! 'Cept for Jacob. His mom's so poor she only understands hand-OUTS. [laughs even harder]
[The principal's office, later. Cartman is facing the principal now.]
Principal: Eric, at Greeley Elementary we do not tolerate students making fun of other students.
Cartman: I wasn't making fun of anybody.
Principal: [reading from a report about the incident] A twenty-minute song and dance number with forty seven "Yo momma so poor" jokes directed at Jacob Hallery, which ended in a finale with fireworks.
Cartman: I was just teasing.
Principal: Your case worker has been notified, and he is not happy.
Cartman: My case worker? [looks over his shoulder and sees Mr. Adams walk in] Oh, not this guy!
Mr. Adams I know this is a difficult adjustment for you, Eric! But you can't just turn all your frustrations on a little kid who can't defend himself! I mean, what do you think this is?! The shower room at Penn State?! I'm kidding. We like to have fun in our department, so I was like, "Oh, look. What? Is this like the shower room at Penn State?!" I joke around. This is my head shot. [hands the principal a picture of himself]
Cartman: Will you stop with the Penn State jokes?! All you're doing is taking topical and revamping old Catholic jokes!
Mr. Adams: [a few seconds of silence] Oh! Oh, and "your momma" jokes are better?! They've been around since the '50s!
Principal: [exasperated, he pounds both fists on the desk] What the hell does this have to do with anything?!
Girl 1: Principal, you've gotta send help to the playground! They're about to beat up that new kid!
[the playground outside. Karen has been singled out and the other kids close in on her]
Jessica: Aww, look at the new kid and her wittle dolly. You gonna cry some more in class, wimp?!
Boy 3: L-leave her alone.
Jessica: Shut up! You foster twerps are all the same! Come on! Hand over the doll! [from on high Mysterion drops down in front of Karen] Who the hell is this?!
Mysterion: How about you find another little girl to pick on?
Jessica: Mind your business, Peter Pan! [Mysterion kicks her in the stomach, then gives her a flying punch across the face which leads to a black eye, and punches her again, leading to her falling on her face]
Mysterion: [pulling Jessica's head up by her hair] Karen McCormick is off limits! Do you understand?! Make sure everybody in this school knows! [drops some Chinese fireworks as a distraction while he takes Karen up to the roof.]
[The Weatherhead house, night. The family is at table. Mr. Weatherhead leads grace as Mrs. Weatherhead serves dinner individually]
Mr. Weatherhead: And if this food comes as a gift from some divine intelligence, we understand that an intelligent being cannot blame us for questioning its existence. Nobody knows, nobody can know if any deity is watching over us. Amen.
Boy 4: Except for Karen's guardian angel.
Mr. Weatherhead: What?
Melissa: Where did he take you after he saved you, Karen?
Karen: He just took me back to my classroom. Then he disappeared like always.
Mr. Weatherhead: [pounds the table] What have he told you about making up angel stories?!
Girl 3: But we SAW him. He leaped down from the sky.
David: And he kicked the crap out of Jessica Pinkerton. [the other kids begin to chime in]
Mrs. Weatherhead: [moving quickly to the head of the table] Stop it, children! We do not speak such certainties in this house!
Mr. Weatherhead: Get down to the basement, all of you! It's time for the Punishment Room! [Kenny gets angry]
[The basement, also known as the Punishment Room, later. David is now tied up and dangling from one of the beams. Mrs. Weatherhead douses him with a torrent of Dr Pep-er. The Weatherheads have kegs of it down there.]
David: AAAAAAAH!
Mr. Weatherhead: Now, did you see an angel?!
David: No, I - no - I didn't see an angel.
Mr. Weatherhead: No, you can't be certain of that! You might've seen one! [to his wife] Hit him with the Dr Pep-er again. [the wife lets loose the drink once again, then stops] Are there such things as angels?!
David: Maybe.
Mr. Weatherhead: Good! [the wife lets loose the drink once again]
Karen: What do we do, Kenny? [Kenny isn't there] Kenny?
Mr. Weatherhead: What is the meaning of life?!
David: It's impossible to knoooow!
Mr. Weatherhead: That's right! [a knock is soon heard, and it's persistent]
Mrs. Weatherhead: Who could that be? [the adults go upstairs and to the front door to answer it]
Mr. Adams: Mr. and Mrs. Weatherhead, I received some disturbing news that all you're providing the foster children here to drink is soda?
Cartman: Haha, I told on you Mom and Dad!
Mr. Weatherhead: What business is that of yours?!
Mr. Adams: It's my business because Child Protective Services is accountable for these kids! [he now talks more calmly] Have I given you my head shot?
Mrs. Weatherhead: Yes, yes, we have that.
Mr. Adams: Okay now, are you only giving these kids Dr Pep-er to drink?!
Mr. Weatherhead: If we want to serve agnostic beverages in this house, then by Goddish we'll do it! The children you've sent here are undisciplined and talking about the certainty of angels! [a window breaks upstairs and the Weatherheads go up to see where it broke]
Mr. Adams: Excuse me! [waits, then sighs] Let's have a look around.
[Upstairs, the Weatherheads enter the girls' room and find the walls covered in colored question marks - the sign of Mysterion. The Weatherheads walk towards the window]
Mr. Weatherhead: What the? Who did this?
Mrs. Weatherhead: What is that? [Mysterion turns right and runs down the hallway and into the boys' room. The Weatherheads follow suit and find Mysterion squatting on the window sill. Mysterion drops down and out of view. The Weatherheads reach the window]
Mrs. Weatherhead: It was like a... little mystery person... flying around.
Mr. Weatherhead: Almost like some kind of... agnostic angel. [notices a note pinned to the outside wall with a knife. He removes the note and reads it. "Look in the fridge."]
[The basement. Mr. Adams and Cartman get to the floor and Mr. Adams finds the door to the Punishment Room locked, so he decides to run into it. This proves successful, and Mr. Adams gets to see what his work has led to]
Mr. Adams: Oh my God. [David is still dangling from the beam and the other kids are still in the corner by the water heater] What's going on here?
David: [softly] We don't know... We can't possibly know...
Mr. Adams: [leans back on the door frame] What have I done? [sits in the doorway with his head in his hands] I took you kids from your parents without even checking into where you were going! I put innocent children in a dangerous environment! What am I, a recruitment coach for Penn State? [begins to cry. Cartman laughs] It's not funny!
[The ground floor. The Weatherheads make their way slowly to the refrigerator]
Mr. Weatherhead: There's nothing in there but Dr Pep-er, right? There can't be. [inside is one can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer with a question mark attached to it with a spring. Mrs. Weatherhead opens the door quickly and finds the can]
Mrs. Weatherhead: Ohhh...
Mr. Weatherhead: How did that get here?! [takes the can out, and his wife closes the door] It says it's a Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Mrs. Weatherhead: What is it?
Mr. Weatherhead: [opens the can and takes a sip] It's like beer... but different. [hands it to his wife]
Mrs. Weatherhead: [takes a sip] But how did it get here? [they begin to take turns sipping the beer.]
[Outside. Greeley police cars have pulled up and cops have poured out. Some of them are taking the Weatherheads out of the house as the foster kids watch.]
Mr. Weatherhead: Shut your mouth, bitch!
Mrs. Weatherhead: You shut your mouth, you filth-fucking asshole!
Mr. Weatherhead: Fuck you, bitch!
Greeley Officer 1: You have the right to remain silent. Now look at the camera and say "I'm white trash and I'm in trouble."
Mrs. Weatherhead: I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
Greeley Officer 2: Get in the car, you!
Mr. Weatherhead: Wait a minute, I'm white trash and I'm in trouble?
Mr. Adams: No, no, take all these kids back to their parents! We've embarrassed the system and made it something nobody wants to be a part of! It's like a Penn State homecoming party! [covers his face and begins to cry. Nearby, Cartman is already in the back seat of a cruiser as a third cop talks to him]
Greeley Officer 3: A false police report can carry up to a two-month prison term, son.
Cartman: I'm not saying it.
Greeley Officer 3: We can do this the easy way, or we can do it hard!
Cartman: I'm not saying it!
Greeley Officer 3: Then we'll add another charge for resisting!
Cartman: Okay, fine! [turns to the camera] I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
Narrator: Three arrests in just one power-packed episode, proving once again that we are all just one Pabst Blue Ribbon away from becoming... white trash in trouble! Sponsored by Schlitz.
[South Park Elementary, day. The kids are once again in the hallway, but this time they're cheering Kenny's return]
Stan: Well it sure is good to have you back, Kenny.
Kenny: (Thanks, Stan.)
Kyle: I hear your parents might give up selling meth for good.
Kenny: (Good for me.)
Cartman: [walks up] There he is, there's my buddy.
Kyle: How was jail, fatass?!
Cartman: Well, I did a lot of thinking. And you know, guys, there's an important lesson I think we've all learned. What do we do when the tables are turned?

The day's looking brighter. Gray skies are turning blue.
'Cause I'm not (He's not, he's not) the poor kid at school!
Kenny's back and it's such a thrill. Now I'm rich just like Stan and Kiul!
All that matters is no one thinks I'm a tool! 'Cause I'm not (He's not, he's not)
That's right, the poor kid in school.
Sing it with me, guys!
He's not the poor kid in school. (He's not)
I'm not-

[a giant reptilian bird's head smashes through the roof and second floor of the school and the kids clear out as the head looks around]

Kids: Aaaah! [the beak grabs Kenny and swings him back and forth between the lockers]
Kenny: (AAAAHH!) [the bird opens its mouth and swallows Kenny, then flies away. The kids look through the massive hole left by the bird]
Stan: ...What the fuck?!
Cartman: [begins to cry and walk away] Aww, my mom is so poor she walked down the road with one shoooe. [backs up] And if you ask her if she lost a shoe, she'd say "No, I found ooone."
[End of The Poor Kid.]

Reference

"Episode 1514 - The Poor Kid". spscriptorium.com (2011-11-18).
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