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Cast

Script

The New Terrance and Phillip Movie Trailer
Stan's house, night. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Butters gather some snacks and put them on the coffee table in the Marsh living room.
Stan
[pouring chips into a bowl] This is gonna be so awesome!
Kyle
Do we have everything?
Stan
Chips, pop, cookies, Kleenex, toilet paper, flares - we won't have to leave the TV room for anything!
Cartman
All right!
Kyle
Look, it's almost time.
HBC commercial.
Announcer
Up next on HBC, the Russell Crowe Show!
The sofa. The boys climb on it.
Stan
Alright, here we go.
Russell Crowe Show intro.
Choir

Born in New Zealand in sixty-four
[Russell sails on a tugboat called "Tugger"]
A hot-headed actor named Russell Crowe
[Russell holds an Oscar lovingly]
He loves to act but he loves one thing more:
[Russell in a scene from "Gladiator"]
Fight-in' Round The World
[Russell fighting bar patrons at Hap's Bar]
He fights his directors and he fights his fans
[Russell holds a director up in the air by the lapels, then he fights fans in a pool hall]
It's a problem no one understands
[Russell fights people in Paris]
[spoken by a singer]
If there's two things he love it's fighting and,
[Russell dances Russian before the Kremlin as a camera man follows him at a distance]
Fight-in' Round The World
[The cameraman takes a picture and Russell beats him up]
Makin' movies, makin' music and
[a poster of Russell's new movie, "A beautiful Mind, by television's Opie", then a shot of him recording a song]
[slowing to half-time]
Fight-ing Round The World!
[a shot of Russell fighting off some Japanese]
[spoken by a singer as a spinning globe appears behind the show logo]
Russell Crowe

Russell Crowe
[dressed as a sailor, standing on a dock] Hello, everybody. I'm Russell Crowe, and this is "Fight-in' Round The World" [puts up his fists and cycles them around]. We're gonna have lots of fun tuhday as we travel all around, and look for some good- [a man walks through his shot and Russell does a double-take, then goes after the man] Ay! What the hell do yuh think you're doin'?! [Russell's cameraman moves the camera to catch up with him] You walked right through my shot, mate! Do you know who I am?!
Man
Oh, excuse me. I was just- [Russell proceeds to beat the crap out of the man]
Russell Crowe
God-damned smartass! Do you think you could [Shelly comes in and takes the remote, changing the channel. She stops at the WD]
Stan
Shelly, we're watching that! Go back!
Shelly
Shut up, turd. I'm watching Buffy.
Stan
[rushes up to her] No! Shelly, we have to watch HBC! [she switches back to HBC]
Russell Crowe Show.
Russell Crowe
Oh! Get up! Get up, you little pussy! [the man crawls along the dock on his belly]
Shelly
The Russell Crowe Show? You turds don't even like that show!
Russell Crowe (off-screen)
Oh ya like that do ya?! [punches heard]
Stan
It's not the show we care about. During one of the commercial breaks of tonight's episode, they're gonna show the exclusive never-before-seen trailer to the new Terrance & Phillip movie!
Kyle
It's the biggest night of the year.
Shelly
[switching channels again] That's stupid! See your turdy trailer some other time!
Stan
But all the other kids are gonna watch it and talk about it at school tomorrow.
Shelly
No, turds!
Cartman
Shelly, did I ever tell you how hot I think you are?
Shelly
Shut up, fat turd!!
Cartman
I'm not a fat turd, I'm a stocky turd!
Shelly
We're not watching this! [a shot of Russell Crowe and the man]
Russell Crowe
Come on!
Man
Look, I apologize, but I was just--
Stan
But Shelly, it's the Russell Crowe Show! You always said there's nothing you love more than Russell Crowe.
Shelly
[softly, voice rising] There is one thing I love more than Russell Crowe, and that is seeing you unhappy. So, Buffy it is!
Stan
Shelly, please, let us watch. We'll do anything. Anything!
Shelly
[glances away, then looks at Stan] All right. I just started my period, and I need tampons. If one of you turds go buy them at the store for me, you can watch your stupid turd show with your stupid turd movie commercial in it!
Stan
[glances down, then answers] O-K, deal.
Shelly
And they'd better be here when I come back downstairs, turds! [slaps Stan twice and walks off]
Russell Crowe
Well, that was a lot of fun, wadn't it, kids? But it looks like if we're gonna get in more fights, we're gonna have to go look for 'em.
Kyle
[gathers around Stan with the other boys] Dude, why'd you make that deal? If we're out buying tampons, we'll miss the trailer anyway.
Butters
Ehyeah!
Stan
[somber] Well, only one of us has to go to the store. The others can watch.
Kyle
You'd miss the new trailer?
Stan
Dude, I'm not going.
Cartman
Alright, we'll have to play for it. How about... if your name is Butters, you have to go. Okay, so what's your name? [points to Stan]
Stan
Stan.
Cartman
Stan, okay. What's your name? [points to Kyle]
Kyle
Kyle.
Cartman
Kyle. What's your name? [looks at Butters]
Butters
Butters! Aw, I lose, huh?
Cartman
Aw, yeah, Butters, you lose, sorry, tough break.
Kyle
Well just hurry, Butters. You can probably make it back in time before the first commercial break.
Butters
Oh, Jesus. Ah, I gotta run like the wind. [heads for the door. The other three go back to the sofa]
Russell Crowe
Seems like no one else here wants to fight.
Kyle
Dude, thank God for stupid people ["...We'll have to go somewhere else..."]
Cartman
Amen.
Russell Crowe
...lets ask our old friend, Tugger. Where should we go fight people next, Tugger?
Tugger
TOOOOOOT
Russell Crowe
Great idea! [runs up to the camera] Tugger thinks we should go to the faaar away country of China. [backs up towards the tug boat] China is one of the oldest civilizations on earth. And from what I understand, they LOVE a good fight! So let's go! [rushes onto the tugboat and sets off.]
Tugger
TOOOT TOOOT [a man and a woman appear]
Man with Mustache
Oh my God! It's Russell Crowe!
Russell Crowe
[taunts back] Oh my God, it's Russell Crowe! Oh my Gmah, bah bah byah byah! [gets out and heads for the man and woman] Why don't you mind your own business, you scrotum?! [punches the man. Cut to a sailing Tugger]

Making movies, making songs 'n fight-in' round the world.

Stan
Dude, why is this guy always beating everybody up?
Russell Crowe
[at the wheel] What a glorious day to spend a way, fight-in' round the world. [whistles and spins the boat's wheel]
Cartman
What's wrong with the colors on your TV, Stan? They're all saturated. [takes a hold of the remote]
Stan
They look fine to me. [another shot of Russell sailing away]
Kyle
Just don't mess with it, Cartman.
Cartman
[leaves the sofa] Nah, nah, the cable wire must be loose. [heads for the television]
Kyle
Just just leave it alone.
Cartman
Dude, do you wanna see the Terrance & Phillip trailer with messed-up colors? I don't. How's that? [moves the cable, and the vertical goes out of whack]
Stan
That's worse!
Cartman
Okay, how about ... that? [moves it again, and the cathode ray tube pops. The wall behind the TV is blackened, and Cartman slowly peeks]
Stan
Dude!
Kyle
God-dammit Cartman! You broke it!
Cartman
[panicked] It was just... I just... Butters, you asshole!
Stan
Dude, the commercials could start any time!
Cartman
I don't think we're watchin' them on this TV.
Kyle
God-dammit! Come on, we can go watch it at my house!
Stan
Get all the stuff! [they gather the snacks and head for the front door. Cartman opens the door and Butters arrives]
Butters
Hey fellas. I got the tampons. Uh, I didn't miss it, did I?
Stan
We're going to Kyle's house to watch! Come on! [the three boys exit]
Butters
Oh Jeez. [follows]
The neighborhood. The boys run towards Kyle's house. Stan leads the way, with Kyle and Butters following.
Butters
Oh boy, uh, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez!
Stan
Hurry! We can't miss the commercials!
Cartman
[gruffly] Bluh! Aah! You guys! Seriously!
Kyle's house, moments later. Ike is watching TV.
A Voice
[a slow drawl] ...but the Palestinian government uh is not going to see any for future- [the front door opens and the boys run in.]
Stan
Huff, huff
Butters
Huh uh hurry! Hurry! Hurry! [Kyle takes the remore and quickly changes channels, and the Russell Crowe show pops up]
Russell Crowe
And so here we are in history-rich Ch-ooina.
Kyle
We made it! It hasn't gone to commercials yet. [the boys sit on the sofa. Ike looks at each of them angrily]
Kyle, Stan, Butters
Phew!
Ike
Hey! Imong telling Dat!
Cartman
[arrives breathless] Huh. Ohmigod! Huh.
Ike
Dadadadat!
Kyle
No Ike! They're playing the trailer to the new Terrance & Phillip movie during the show, and we have to watch it! [Ike drops down and walks away, Cartman sits next to Butters]
Russell Crowe
[hiding behind a potted shrub which he carries before him. He sets it down and look at the camera] This is Tiananmen Square. Lots of good foightin' has gone on here throughout the years, including a fan-tastic massacre that took place back in '93. [he turns back to the shrub and peers through it. The Chinese are pleasantly involved in conversations. Russell turns back to the camera] These chinamen can grow to over five feet tall, and in a fight, are known to kick with their legs. Let's see if we can get in for a closer look. [picks up the shrub and goes further into the crowd, then peers through the shrub. The Chinese notice him] Oi! [he looks back at the camera] I've gotten close enough now that they're startin' to get real froigh'ened. You can see the fine hairs on the back of their necks standin' on end. [turns to the shrub and jumps through it, grabbing a man's ankles] Gotcha mate! [the victimized man speaks first, then another man answers. Russell's head turns to see who's speaking, then he jumps up to challenge the second man] Ah, you wanna fight, huh?! [challenges the first] Think you could take me, you little buggers?! [punches the first man and the man sails to the ground a few feet away, knocked out cold. Blood pours from his nose. The man he lands in front of decides to fight, and soon Russell Crowe is punching men away left and right. A policeman arrives, and Russell knocks him away, too]
Cartman
God, when is this gonna get to the commercials? [Gerald arrives with Ike]
Gerald
Kyle, Ike says you kicked him off the TV.
Kyle
They're goin' to show the new Terrance & Phillip trailer.
Gerald
You know your brother watches MacNeil/Lehrer Report every night at ten!
Ike
Etetheh bunlapala un night.
Kyle
But Dad, this is all the never-before-seen footage.
Gerald
It doesn't matter! Ten to eleven is Ike's time to watch MacNeil/Lehrer.
Kyle
God-dammit. Come on, guys. We gotta go to Butters' house.
Stan
Aww! [the boys gather their snacks and head for the door]
Cartman
Argh!
Butters
Whoa, wait fellas. [the boys stop] We can't go to my house.
Cartman
We can't go to my house either. It's being fumigated.
Stan
AGH! [thinks hard, then] Wait! Chef just got a new plasma screen TV with surround-sound. Let's go to his house! Come on! [they leave. Ike goes back to the sofa and sits, changing the channel]
Lehrer
...taking place there all these years is sure to continue until the governments of these regions can actually come about some...
Ike
It's a burning flag.
The neighborhood. The boys run towards Chef's house. Stan, Kyle, and Butters run past, huffing and puffing.
Cartman
[trailing again] Ey! You guys! I'm seriouslih!
Chef's house, moments later. The boys are at his front door, and Stan knocks.
Kyle
God-dammit! If we miss the commercials, I'll never forgive my brother!
Chef
[answers the door in his nightgown] Oh. Hello there, children.
The Boys
[quickly] Hey Chef. [run for his sofa, leaving Chef at the door.]
Chef
Uh, how's it goin'?
Chef's living room. The boys are seated on the sofa, with Stan trying to get the remote control working.
Chef
[arrives] Oh, you wanted to see the new TV, huh? [a new HDTV with side speakers and settop cable box, and a rather large base] Pretty cool, ain't it?
Stan
[impatient] Yeahyeah, how do you change the channels?
Chef
Uh, I don't know. This TV has more features than a space shuttle. [Chef takes the remote and fiddles with it] I can't figure it out at all. [the program pops up immediately]
Russell Crowe
[in India] -bloomin' Taj Mahal.
Cartman
There, you got it, you got it!
Russell Crowe
[punching the natives - hits one] Freakin' Indies [hits a second] really put up a [hits a third] fight!
Stan
We made it!
Cartman
Oh, thank God.
Chef
Russell Crowe?? Children, you shouldn't be watching this show about a man who beats people up because he's insecure.
Cartman
We don't give two craps about Russell Crowe, Chef. We just wanna see the trailer for the new Terrance & Phillip movie, that's supposed to play during the commercials.
Russell Crowe
[still punching Indians as they approach] Alright everyone, we're gonna take our first commercial break. But be sure not to go anywhere, because there's lot's more people to beat up!
Stan
Here they come!
Kyle
Heuh, the commercials! [some commercials air, but they're not important, as little sound is heard]
Announcer
And now back to Russell Crowe, Fightin' Around The World!
The Boys
[disappointed] Awww!
Butters
Awww, they didn't play it. They didn't show the Terrance & Phillip trailer.
Stan
I knew it. I knew they wouldn't play it during the first commercial break.
Kyle
Yeah, they want everyone to stick around and watch more of this retarded show.
Russell Crowe
Making movies, making songs 'n fight-in' round the world. [cut to Brooklyn, with the Brooklyn Bridge in the background. A lot of brownstones here. Russell has brought his schrub with him again. He approaches the camera] Oi! Now Tugger's brought me to one of the greatest places for foightin' in North America. [backs up] Brooklyn, New York. Lots of minorities here, and they don't take kindly to whitey. [points to himself] Let's get a closer look. Come on, Tugger! [picks up his shrub and runs. Tugger hops after him, tooting along. They end up looking at a pickup basketball game in the shadow of some skyscrapers. Russell peers through the shrub, then turns to the camera] Looks like we got some black people, and some Puerto Ricans. [a quick peek] Notice the colorful rags on their heads, meaning they could be part of a gang, and therefore, [makes a fist] real used to fightin'. [peers through the shrub]
Black Player
Hey, look at that guy over there. Ain't that that Gladiator guy?
Puerto Rican Player
Where?
Black Player
Behind that plant, next to that tugboat? [Russell peers through, but the shows his face]
Puerto Rican Player
Oh yeah, I think it is.
Russell Crowe
[in condescending falsetto] Oh my God, it's the Gladiator guy! [heads for the basketball court and puts up his fists] Oh my God, I've never seen an actor before! [moves around for anyone to fight] Why don't you choke on some pig vomit, you stupid sobs!
Chef
Why can't this guy control his temper?
Russell Crowe
Well?? You all just gonna stand there or are you gonna fight? [knocks down a black player. Another one punches him in the back of the head] Oi! Crikey, you've done it now!
Cartman
This TV is great, Chef.
Chef
Yeah, and it's got all kinds of cool features, too. Check this out. You can watch three channels all at once. I think if you hit this button here- [a menu pops up on a blue screen. He presses more buttons and the default choice changes, but nothing else] No, no wait. You hit this button here [ends up at clock reset function] No, that's not it. Let's see. [presses another button] Menu... [press] Function [screen properties pop up]
Stan
Dude, put it back, Chef. More commercials might come on soon. [looks like Russell is fighting Germans, but the menu windows block the view]
Chef
Let's see. Menu? [screen resolution, manual programming, spectrum density, profiles, audio settings, and so on pop up] Aw, dammit!
Kyle
Get it back to normal, Chef!
Chef
I'm tryin', children! Menu, back, function- [still no success. The blue screen is still there] Enter? No, no. Back? H.E.M?? [selects 'yes']
The TV
[transforms itself into a robot] Human eradication mode, active. [it rises from its base, which becomes its feet. The side speakers re-position themselves as guns, and the cable box becomes the eyes. Chef and the boys are stunned by what they just saw. The TV turns to its right and heads for the front door. It breaks through, goes down the steps, and immediately starts firing at everything in sight.]
Stan
Oh God-dammit!
Kyle
The TV left.
Butters
Uh but the next commercials will be on soon.
Stan
Come on, we gotta go somewhere else! [the four get off the sofa and head out the door. A car screeches to a halt, and the TV fires at the driver, forcing the couple inside to flee]
The neighborhood. The boys run towards the bar. Stan, Kyle, and Butters run past, huffing and puffing.
Butters
Where do we go? Where do we go?
Stan
The bar! They've got a TV at the bar!
Cartman
Aagh! God-dammit!
The bar. The boys burst through the door and head for the counter. The TV turns on to the Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe
[back in Brooklyn, amid the bunch of beat-up basketball players] You fight like Norwegians, ya fairies!
The Boys
Phew!
Stan
We made it.
Cartman
[blubbering] This is killing me. The human body was not meant to move quickly like that.
The Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe
These are the Florida Keys, a remote island chain just a few miles from... Oi! Wait a minute! Wasn't I just in Brooklyn fightin' minorities? What happened with that?
Tugger
Mooooot.
Russell Crowe
It's that God-damned editor! He cut the Brooklyn scene short! Tugger, I'm gonna get him!
The editing room, moments later.
Editor
Yeah. Oh I'm just working. I'm probably done around seven. [the door flies open and Russell stomps in there]
Russell Crowe
[lifts the editor up by the collar] Who the hell do you think you are?!
Editor
I'm the editor.
Russell Crowe
I know you're the bloomin' editor! I mean, who do you think you are cuttin' one of my foightin' scenes short?!
Editor
Dude, the director said to cut it.
Russell Crowe
Moy foightin' is poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, you testicle! [drops him, pauses, then delivers three blows to the belly]
Jimbo
Well that guy's just plain nuts.
Barkeep
[rushes over] Hey hey hey, whoa, you kids can't be in here. [the kids are dumbstruck]
Kyle
We're not kids. We're full-grown men with dwarfism! How dare you assume that all midgets are children! We demand an apology!
Barkeep
You ain't midgets, your lips are too full. [the boys stay silent] Now GET OUT!!
Stan
But we have to watch the commercials in this show.
Barkeep
Look, this is a bar! We can't have children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin!
Cartman
Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters
Sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs!
Barkeep
GET OUT!!! [walks over and turns the TV to a baseball game]
The Boys
Aaah!
Stan
[the first to head for the door] Come on, we gotta get to a TV! [the others follow]
Cartman
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!
Downtown South Park. The TV, now a robot, marches through town blasting holes into buildings. Chef follows behind on a cell phone.
Chef
Yes, is this customer service? I'm havin' problems with my new television. It sprouted legs and guns 'n started walkin' around shootin' people. Uh huh. Okay. Ohhh, so I press "menu," then "function." [presses the buttons. The TV shoots at a man locking up a store, making him spill his groceries and fall on his back. The TV stops]
Townsman
Jesus! [gets up and runs] Waaaah! [the TV moves forward again]
Chef
No, that didn't work. Did I set the internal clock? Uh, no. [listens] Oh, really? Well, how do I do that?
Shady Acres, A Retirement Community. The boys rush in and head for the empty seats in the TV room.
Cartman
Find the remote! Find the remote! Hold it! [once the boys are in place, Stan walks over to the TV and turns it on. "Puppies From Around The World" comes on, and Stan quickly changes the channel to the Russell Crowe show]
Kyle
We're not too late! [the boys grin]
Russell Crowe
Come on, Tugger ol' mate. Why are you lookin' so down?
Tugger
Mooot, mooot.
Russell Crowe
[whispers to the camera] Tugger's in a bit of a sad state. Seems his girlfriend and him had a bit of a row last night.
Tugger
Mooooot.
Old Man
[everyone watches silently, then] ...What is this?
The Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe
Come on. Cheer up, Tugger. How can I make you feel better? I know! [grabs a guitar off-screen and prepares to play it.] How would you like me to sing one of the songs off me new album?
Tugger
[shakes its smokestack with each protest] Nooo! Nooooo!
Russell Crowe
What's that, Tugger? You say you really love the songs on my album?
Tugger
Noooooooooo! [shakes its smokestack]
Russell Crowe
Alright then, Tugger. [begins strumming]
Tugger
Noo, no! [shakes its smokestack]
Russell Crowe
You know that you're my baby. You know I need you now.
Tugger
[tries to escape, but can't, as it's tied to the dock] Noooooooooo! [shakes its smokestack]
Russell Crowe
I don't know where I'm goin', I gotta get there some, yeah gotta get there, somehow.
Tugger
[returns and tries to rip itself away towards the right with all its might] Noooooooooo! [turns and tries to pull itself away towards the left, but can't]
Russell Crowe
Gotta get there somehow.
Tugger
[continues to struggle] Noooooooooo! [turns and tries to pull itself away towards the left, but can't]
Russell Crowe
You can stay away tonight, but I'm gonna sleep here, in my explosive clouds...
Tugger
[returns, then takes out its arms for the first time] NOOOOO! [pulls out some giant earmuffs and places them over the cabin doors. It shakes violently as Russell lunges into a faster rhythm]
Russell Crowe
SHOUT! Think I feel your heartbeat, can you feel mine... lady lookin' lovely, gotta take your love inside, gotta take it...
Tugger
[struggles fiercely] NOOOOO! NOOOOO! [throws its earmuffs off, reaches for a pistol and places it against its smokestack. Tugger fires the gun, and it falls into the water with a splash. Russell stops singing once he hears the gunshot..]
Russell Crowe
[spins around] Tugger! [drops to the edge of the dock and looks down at the water. Tugger is on its side leaking oil] Tugger shot himself!
Announcer
[the show logo pops up] Has Russell lost Tugger for good? Find out after these messages.
Shady Acres TV room.
Cartman
Here we go!
Stan
Commercial Break Number Two! [the boys are positively giddy with anticipation]
Announcer
And now back to Russell Crowe, Fightin' Around The World!
Cartman
That's it? That's all the commercials?
Kyle
They didn't play the Terrance & Phillip trailer again!
Stan
I knew it. They're waiting until the very last commercial break.
Kyle
Ugh! We're gonna end up watching this whole retarded Russell Crowe show!
The Russell Crowe show. Russell Crowe is sobbing on a sofa in a hospital hallway.
Russell Crowe
Tugger! Why'd you do it, Tugger?! [a doctor approaches him] Doctor! Tell me how he is, doctor!
Doctor
Well, he's a very sick little tugboat.
Shady Acres TV room.
Old Man
What is this? We wanna watch "Puppies From Around The World."
Old Woman
Yeah. We don't like this show.
Cartman
Shh. Okay?! Old people need to be quiet right now!
The Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe
You gotta save him, Doc! Tugger! 'E's my best friend! The only friend in the world who would-
Doctor
He's going to live, but-
Russell Crowe
[lifts the doctor up by the collar] Oi! Don't you interrupt me, you vag-oina! I was givin' a heart-wrenchin' soliloquy about me feelings for Tugger!
Doctor
Sorry.
Russell Crowe
[lets the doctor down and crosses the hall to the opposite wall] Oh, Tugger! Tugger, the world won't be as bright without ya, mate! Give it to me straight, doctor! Will Tugger live?! Tell me the truth!
Doctor
...Now?
Russell Crowe
Yes, now's fine.
Doctor
Oh. Uh, your tugboat's going to be okay. He just needs an oil change and a new steamstack.
Russell Crowe
[quickly brightens and approaches the camera] Ooo, de-lolly! D'you hear that, everybody?! Tugger's gonna be okay! D'you know what that makes me feel like doin'? Foightin'! [turns around and punches the doctor out, then punches a man on crutches out, lifts him up again, and punches him out again.]
Shady Acres TV room.
Old Man
This show is too violent! Put the puppies back on!
Old Folks
Yeah!
Old Woman 2
Please.
Cartman
Shut up! Shut the hell up! We're watching this until the next commercial and that's final, old people!
Old Man 2
All right, that does it! We know how to get our way! Everyone, on the count of three, release your bowels! One! Two! [everyone farts and the boys are astonished.]
The Boys
[bury their noses in their jackets] Awww!
Cartman
Eewww!
Stan
Oh, God, it's horrible! [the boys leave and exit the community]
Shady Acres entrance.
Kyle
That's disgusting, dude!
Cartman
God, I hate old people!
Stan
We have to go to Butters' or Cartman's house! We have nowhere else to go!
Butters
I told you, we can't go to my house!
Cartman
And my house is being fumigated!
Stan
Well, screw it! We'll watch it in your house even if it is being fumigated!
The neighborhood. The boys rush to Cartman's house.
Butters
Oh boy, we gotta hurry, guys! ...Come on! [Cartman struggles to keep up, blubbering all the while]
Cartman's house and garage, under purple and orange tarps. The boys enter a living room filled with fumigation gas, which makes the room look foggy.
Stan
Turn it on! Turn it on!
The Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe
Crikey! Ol' Tugger looks healthy, happy, and [does a catcall] fit as a whistle!
Cartman's living room.
Kyle
It's okay, it's still the show.
The Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe
But you know, Tugger's attempted suicide made me realize that I should take up a cause. Most great actors take up causes, and I'm the greatest of 'em all! So, from now on I'm gonna spend all my spare time ...fighting cancer. [gets into a fighting stance] Right! Where is that pussy cancer anyway?!
Cartman's living room. the gas is overwhelming them, and they look ready to pass out.
Kyle
Oh, dude, I don't know how long I can take it.
Stan
Me neither. I'll be dead before the commercials. Wait a minute! I forgot there's a black and white television back at my house!
Kyle
Will your sister let us watch it?
Stan
She has to! [leads the boys out of Cartman's house]
The neighborhood. The boys rush back to Stan's house.
Stan
Hurry! The commercials will be on any minute!
Butters
Aw! Oh man! Uh, uh uh uh...
Cartman
[trailing the other three] Oh my god, eugh! Oh God! Oh, Jesus help me! [stops] Oh! I lost a doughnut! [turns around and heads back] Oooh! Oh oh! [stops] Oh my God! [turns around and tries to catch up with the others] Leave no doughnut behind!
Stan's house. The boys reach the front door.
Butters
Oh Jesus! Wait.
Stan
What?
Butters
I never gave Shelly her tampons. She's been this whole time without them. [the boys are scared now. Slowly, Stan reaches up for the knob and turns it. The door flies open and a torrent of blood gushes through the door, flooding the boys back into the street.]
The Boys
AAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhh. [Kyle shakes the blood off, Stan looks up and then at the front door, Butters sits up. A trail of blood is left from the interior of the house to the street, and Shelly looks out from her window]
Shelly
I told you I needed tampons, tuurrddsss!
Kyle
Look! Crack addicts with a television! [two men and a woman are shown watching a small TV on a box near some buildings. The boys walk up to them and watch the TV as well]
The Russell Crowe show. Russell is in a hospital room with Tugger.
Russell Crowe
Well, we couldn't find cancer, but we found a man with cancer. [he walks off and pulls in an old frail man with cancer, then delivers a blow] Take that, cancer! And that! [punches the old man again]
Tugger
Mooot Mooot! [Russell punches the old man behind the head and sends him to the floor]
Stan
The last commercial break has to be coming any second! [two phaser blasts are seen. One kills the bearded crack addict, another knocks a trash can over. Chef's TV appears and the two remaining addicts and the boys scream]
All
AAAAA! [quickly move away. Chef's TV delivers a double blast to the small TV and destroys it, then moves off to its left.]
Chef
[still following the TV and talking to customer service] ...Yes, I pressed "menu" three times! [listens] No! It's givin' me the same error message! [listens] Yes I read the instruction manual!
Luau's Toys, moments later. The boys run by.
The Boys
[stopping] Where do we go?!
Kyle
Oh Jesus! Now where do we go??
Stan
We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house??
Butters
I'm sure! There's no way!
Kyle
Well why not?!
Butters
Uh because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.
Cartman
[glares at Butters and slowly gets angry] Oh, God-dammit you better be kidding!
Butters
No! I really don't have a babysitter. That's why I'm stayin' at Stan's.
Kyle
This whole time your TV is in a house with nobody in it?!
Stan
Come on, let's just go! We'll kill Butters later! [they run off]
Butters' house, minutes later. The boys burst through the front door.
The Boys
AAAAA!!
Cartman
The time has come! Turn it on, turn it on! [Stan is the first to reach the remote control, so he takes it and turn on the TV]
The Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe
And so we'll be right back, after these commercials.
Stan
We made it! [grins]
Kyle
The last commercial break is starting!
Announcer
[the show logo appears] Don't go anywhere. Russell Crowe will be right back after a few more commercials. [the grins slowly fade to disappointment]
Cartman
These commercials are all so God-damn stupid!
Stan
Jesus Christ, how long is this commercial break gonna be??
Kyle
What if they don't show the Terrance & Phillip trailer at all? What if we went through all of this for nothing?
Butters
They have to show it! They promised they would!
Cartman
You guys, calm down. This is what TV shows always do. They make the last commercial break the longest.
Kyle
That's bull-crap! TV shows are gay!
Stan
Wait a minute! Look! [points and reads from the TV] "The following preview has..." This is it! This is it!
The Terrance & Phillip trailer.
Announcer
[Terrance & Phillip stand back to back. The camera starts with their legs and pans up] Coming this summer! The greatest Canadian duo of all time is back.
Action music plays as the following words come flying at the viewer from the TV screen: "THIS........ SUMMER........ TERRANCE........ AND........ PHILLIP........ WILL........ BLOW........ YOU........ AWAY........ AND....... WORDS...... WILL..... FLY.... AT... YOU.. VERY. FAST" The music stops and Terrance & Phillip appear dressed as cowboys. Terrance farts, Phillip laughs, then "ASSES OF FIRE" appears with flames behind the words, then a large "2" lands next to the E in FIRE. It is set to come out June 21, 2002. It is rated R. It ends, and the boys take time to absorb it all.
Cartman
[tosses his popcorn into the air] Woohoo!!! [the popcrn showers all the boys as they begin to move around happily]
Stan, Kyle, Butters
Yeeeeesss! [begins dancing]
Stan
That looks AWEsome! [Cartman goes to the phone and starting dialing a number]
Kyle
They were wearing cowboy hats! [to Stan] Did you see?? [to Butters] Did you see?? [Butters stops dancing]
Cartman
[on the phone] Clyde, Clyde? Did you see it? [Stan jumps up on the sofa alongside Cartman] Yeah, we- Whoa, we think it's gonna be good, too.
Butters
Oh, I'm so glad we didn't miss it! [picks up some popcorn and toses it up into the air]
Cartman
You guys, Clyde said he taped it and kids can come over now to see.
Stan
Oh, dude, let's go!
Butters
Yeah. [the kids head for the front door]
Kyle
It looks even better than their first movie, huh?
Cartman
Yeah, it sure does!
Stan
I wonder if it's all a western?
Butters
How far away is June?
The Russell Crowe show, sunset. The sun is about to drop over the horizon behind Russell and Tugger.
Russell Crowe
Well, we sure had a good time today, didn't we, kids? We fought some Chinamen, a few peckers, and a lot of Colombians, to name just a few. But I sure am glad we got ol' Wally B. back. Aren't you? [a wallaby hops into view]
Wally B.
I'm glad to be back, Russey! [a woman and girl walk by, but stop and look]
A Girl
Oh my God, it's Russell Crowe!
Russell Crowe
[in the condescending falsetto] Oh my God it's Russell Crowe! Oh my bluh blah bluh!! [gets into his fighting stance] Why don't you go flush yourself down a toilet, you cu- [the girl's mother picks her up and hurries away]
Tugger
Mooo-oooo.
Russell Crowe

[puts his hand to his ear and gasps] Uh-oh, Tugger's whistle. You know what that means!
[the wallaby hops to the boat as Russell backs away from the camera. He begins to sing as Wally B. turns around...]
Tugger's whistle's blowin'
Means we must be goin'
No more Russell Crowein' for you.
[does some boxing moves and then hops into the boat]
But now don't you start to whine
I'll see ya again next time.
'Cause there's plenty a-more a-fightin' left to do.
[Wally B. hops closer, and finally into Russell's arms. Next shot, a departing Tugger, headed for the sunset. Russell appears and sings the signature line, slowing with every word]
Makin' movies, makin' songs, an' fightin' round the world.
See you next time, everybody!
[waves to the camera]

South Park, night. Chef's TV is still walking around, but this time away from town. It's showing the Russell Crowe show. Chef is still trying to shut it down.
Chef
So I'm supposed to press "menu," then "function," then "enter."
End of The New Terrance and Phillip Movie Trailer


  604: "The New Terrance and Phillip Movie Trailer" edit
Story Elements

Terrance and PhillipRussell CroweFightin' Around The WorldShady Acres

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Sixth Season