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The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka/Script

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The official script for "The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka
A television is on, and a new show seems to be on the air.
Announcer
And now back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned!
Jimbo and Ned are on a studio based on a hunting lodge. Jimbo and Ned each have weapons, Ned's flamethrower is even lit, ready to go.
Jimbo
Hi, I'm Jimbo Kern, and this here is Ned. Say hi, Ned.
Ned
M-hi, Ned.
Jimbo
Arrgh-ha-ha-ha! Now, isn't that great?
The cameraman give him a thumbs up.
Jimbo
We have a terrific show for you today: we're gonna kill some elk, and we're gonna kill some mountain goats. Now, the new law passed by Colorado legislature, which Ned and I call "Pussy Law #4", states that we can no longer kill animals in defense.
"PUSSY LAW #4"

NO ANIMAL SHALL BE HARMED,
EVEN IN SELF DEFENSE, UNLESS
SPECIFIC LICENSE AND SEASON IS
IN ORDER. SELF DEFENSE CAN ONLY
BE JUSTIFIED BY EXTREME, PROVABLE
PERIL AND OR DOCUMENTED VISIBLE

BODILY HARM.

In other words, our old line of, "It's comin' right for us"--

Ned
It's comin' right for us.
Jimbo
--no longer works. So now, we only kill animals to, quote, "thin out their numbers". If we don't hunt, then these animals will grow too big in number and they won't have enough food. So you see, we have to kill animals, or else they'll die.
An awkward moment. Jimbo, Ned and the cameraman look at each other.
Jimbo
Uhh... So roll the tape.
A trill, and the tape shows a field into which Jimbo and Ned wander.
Jimbo
Here we are at Schaefer's Crossing, lookin' for some animals.
Jimbo
Lookie, Ned, there's some deers!
A group of deer looks up and stares at them.
Jimbo
Quick, Ned! Thin out their numbers!
Ned
Thin out their numbers!
Walks up to the deer and fires up the flamethrower, producing a huge flame. The deer are incinerated where they stand, and their bones crumble.
Jimbo
Good work, Ned. Now they won't starve.
Jimbo
That sure was a great hunting trip. We saved those deer from extinction.
Ned
Mmm-we're environmentalists.
Jimbo
Comin' up next, we're gonna drop some napalm on an unsuspecting family of beavers. And also, try to thin out the numbers of some endangered species.
South Park Elementary. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison writes "Vietnam" on the blackboard.
Cartman
Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam?
Mr. Garrison
"What's Vietnam?" A question a child might ask, but not a childish question. Heheheheheheheheheh. Children, for the next few days, we'll be learning all about Vietnam. Chances are that somebody in your own lives was affected by this incredible war.
Mr. Hat
That's right, Mr. Garrison. The Vietnam War was sticky and icky.
Kyle raises his hand.
Kyle
Mr. Garrison, were you in Vietnam?
Mr. Garrison frowns as he seems to recall an incident in that war. An injured man is dragged to a helicopter as fresh troops wait to replace him.
Injured Man
Aaawwwgh... Aaawwwgh...
Leader
Come on, men! Let's go! Jump out of the chopper!
The class is waiting. Now Mr. Garrison is smiling as the next scene begins. A group of men is seen disrobed and bathing. At the end of it, he laughs to himself.
Man 1
Who's next to take a shower?
Man 2
Me-ee!
Man 3
I am.
Man 1
You just took one last week, silly.
Man 2
Oh, where can I hide this big pipe?
Mr. Garrison
No, I wasn't in Vietnam, but sometimes, I like to pretend I was. Anyway, children, I'm going to assign you all a paper.
Class
Awww..!
Cartman
Son of a bitch.
Mr. Garrison
I want you all to find somebody in your own life who was in Vietnam and interview them about it.
Clyde
What if we don't know anybody who was in Vietnam?
Mr. Garrison
Then you get an F, fail the third grade, and have to get a job cleaning septic tanks to support your drug habit.
Clyde
Oh.
Stan
Dude, my uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam.
Kyle
Hey, yeah! He and Ned do that stupid TV show.
Back to Huntin' and Killin, in a special segment...
Jimbo
And now, time for Jimbo's Mysteries of the Unexplained.
The letters are wavy and uneven. The boys come to see the taping.
Jimbo
One of our loyal viewers from South Park sent us some 8mm film of what he claims to be the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Now, as you all know, the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka can supposedly kill you with one horrid gaze. If a person even so much as looks into the frog's eyes, they can be paralyzed, or even die. And this film proves that that frog may very well exist.
The film plays. Shown is a snowy field, with the camera looking from behind some blades of grass.
Jimbo
Now watch carefully, you're gonna see the Mexican staring frog.
Nothing seems to be happening.
Jimbo
There! There, did you see it? Roll that back again!
The film is replayed.
Jimbo
Now, freeze it!
The film is paused, and there is a very blurry object flying through the air.
Jimbo
Well, I'd like to know what all you skeptics have to say now! What do you think, Ned?
Ned
M-whoa, I'm scared.
Jimbo
Well, be sure to join us next time. Until then...

We're so glad you spent your time with us
While we slaughtered our way through nature's guts
Come again and stay a while
We'll kill a lot more living things to make them bleed

Ned
Mm-good night.
Cameraman
A-and we're cut. Great show, guys.
Jimbo
Oh, lookie who's here. My little nephew Stanley.
The boys approach him.
Jimbo
So, you're interested in your Uncle Jimbo's big TV show, huh?
Stan
No. We have to do a stupid report on Vietnam. You and Ned are the only guys we know who were there.
Jimbo
Oh. Yeah, we sure were.
Cartman
Was it fun?
Kyle
Cartman! What kind of stupid-ass question is that?! Of course it was fun!
Jimbo
Well, sure, Vietnam was fun. But not like goin-to-the-circus fun, or fly-fishin-in-Montana fun. No, Vietnam was more like shovin' shards of broken glass up your ass and then sittin' in a tub of Tabasco sauce fun.
Stan
Whoa!
Jimbo
Yepper, that's where me and Ned met.
Flashback to circa 1975, to a beach. A man write something on a notebook as helicopters take turns landing on a helipad below. An amusement park is just to the right, with a carousel and a log ride. A log comes into view with screaming riders. "Time of the Season" by The Zombies, plays.
Jimbo
I remember I had just gotten off the Ferris wheel.
Jimbo
Oh, boy, what a gorgeous day!
A bird alights on his upper arm and sings to him. He whistles back.
Sergeant
Kern, get over here! The new privates are here. I'm assigning one of them to you as a trainee. Ned Gerblansky.
The crowd parts to reveal him.
Ned
Ned Gerblansky reporting, sir.
Sergeant
Thanks, Ned. Now, the bad guys have been spotted about ten klicks north of here. I know that you and Kern are best suited to take them out. Are you up for it?
Jimbo, Ned
Sir, yes, sir!
Actual footage of a helicopter flying off is shown.
Jimbo
Soon it was all on just me and Ned to win the war for America.
Jimbo
Pass me some more cocoa, will you, Ned?
Ned
Certainly. And would you like another muffin as well?
Jimbo
Why the hell not? We're at war.
Ned hands them over, then sits back, pulls out a cigarette and lighter, and lights the cigarette.
Jimbo
Hey, you know those things are bad for your throat.
Ned
No, that's all lies. I'll be fine. Charlies at 2 o'clock!
Jimbo studies the troop movements on the ground.
Jimbo
I see 'em! Drop the bomb!
Ned pulls the trigger, but nothing happens.
Ned
The bomb's not releasing!
Jimbo
Oh, no!
Ned
It won't budge.
Jimbo
Then we only have one option.
Jimbo forces the plane down.
Ned
What are you doing, man?!
Jimbo
We have to take 'em out, Ned! At all costs! Die, you red commie bastards!
Comes in for a crash landing, and enemy troops are running out of their way. Jimbo and Ned come out and shoot everyone they can. The enemy soldiers die on the spot. Ned pulls out a grenade to activate and throw at other enemy troops, but it goes off prematurely and takes off his right arm.
Ned
[His arm flies away.] Yaaarrrggghhh!!!
Jimbo
[Firing away.] Aaarrrggghh-- Oh no! Out of ammo!
Jimbo reaches behind himself and pulls out a sword. A horse with golden mane and tail trots in. Ned fights off the enemy troops with his good arm and martial arts skill, and Jimbo flies onto the horse. He sallies forth and decapitates every soldier he comes across. When the enemy soldiers are all dead, Jimbo puts the sword away, and they look at the corpses around them.
Jimbo
We did it, Ned! We killed the entire Vietcong Army!
Ned
Whoopie.
Ned brings out a cigarette and lights it with his good hand.
Jimbo
Let's get back to base camp. We can ride the log ride before it closes!
Ned flies onto the horse behind Jimbo, and horse and riders leap gracefully away, as we return to the present.
Jimbo
And that's the way it happened, boys.
Stan
Wow!
Cartman
Man, Vietnam was sweet!
Cameraman
[Reading a magazine.] Great news, guys. Your TV show ratings have doubled!
Jimbo
Wow!
Cameraman
They've gone from six people to twelve.
Jimbo
Holy smokes! We could get an Emmy!
South Park Public Access. The set of Jesus and Pals.
Producer
We've got to do it, J. Your ratings are being killed by the Jimbo and Ned Hunting Show.
Jesus
But I don't really care about that.
Producer
Wuhell, you'd better care, Mr. Smarty Pants. No ratings means no show. If you want to keep reaching out to people, you have to keep up with the times.
Jesus
[Reluctantly.] Ohh, alright.
Cameraman
Alright, we're ten second to air, guys.
Producer
Remember, big, big, big!.
She holds up her hands and moves them apart with each 'big.' Then she walks off.
Cameraman
And five, four, three...
Spotlight beams dance around the studio.
Announcer
[Applause] It's your hour of power on midday Mountain Cable Access. Put your hands together and welcome the only man in town who always has a fully-stocked wine cellar, Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-sus Christ!
Jesus is caught off guard as a spotlight jumps to him.
Jesus
Uhhh... Hi.
His producer signals him to build up his intro.
Jesus
Uh, yeh-yeah, okay. Beginning today, we're taking the show in a new direction.
A stage hand guides him through with the cue cards.
Jesus
We've got some very interesting people coming on the show this week for you, our viewers. Today's guest is: TV's Gilligan, Mr. Bob Denver.
Applause, as the curtains open.
Announcer
Here's Booooobbb Denver.
He makes his way to Jesus. They shake hands and sit down.
Jesus
Hi, Bob Denver.
Bob
Hi, Jesus. Great to be here.
His tongue is exposed. There is a pause as they look at each other.
Jesus
So. Bob. So, yu-you just get in town?
Bob
Yup. Just got in.
Jesus
[Pause.] So... Um... Su-so, wwhat have you been up to?
Bob
Nn-nothing. Nothing really at all.
The producer cues the studio and to play.
Disciples vocalist

'Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have something

Jesus
[Cynically.] Oh boy.
South Park Elementary. Stan is presenting his group's report, reading from his notes.
Stan
"...and after killing the entire Vietcong Army, they returned to base camp."
Mr. Garrison is behind Clyde.
Stan
"Once there, they rode the Devil's Drop roller coaster."
Mr. Garrison gets a reaction.
Stan
"...and ate cotton candy. And ultimately, Ned got the Purple Heart for his courageous defense of the log ride."
Mr. Garrison is suspicious.
Stan
"So was the horror of Vietnam." The end.
The Boys
The end.
Kyle
Are there any questions?
Mr. Garrison raises his hand.
Kyle
Yes, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison
Yes. [Suddenly angry.] Where the fuck did you hear this ridiculous load of bullshit?
The boys' grins vanish.
Stan
From Vietnam veterans.
Mr. Garrison
Well, boys, it's obvious to me that you didn't do your work, and that you stayed up all night thinking up some ridiculous lie.
Stan
No, no, we didn't--
Mr. Garrison
You all receive an F...minus.
Kyle
F-minus? Can he do that?
Stan
Bu-but we're not making it up, it was--
Mr. Garrison
Stanley, the Vietnam War was war! There weren't galloping steeds or singing birds or log rides.
Kyle
How do you know? You weren't even there.
Mr. Garrison
Well, that's it! All of you have detention for the rest of the week!
Boys
Aawwww!
South Park Elementary, cafeteria. Mr. Mackey is supervising detention.
Cartman
Sweet.
Mr. Mackey
Welcome to detention, m'kay? Mr. Garrison told me about your little joke. It's important for you all to know why you're in detention for you to obtain the full benefits from it.
Cartman
You're dead, Stan.
Stan
For what, dude?
Kenny
(Just face it, dude, your uncle's stupid!)
Mr. Mackey
[While the boys talk softly.] You're here because you are inferior, m'kay? You are here because you are awkward, m'kay?
Cartman
Well, Stan, thanks a lot for having such a cool uncle that got us all detention for a week.
Kyle
Yeah, dude, your Uncle Jimbo sucks ass!
Mr. Mackey
Shh! M'kay?
Stan
Why would he just invent a story instead of telling us the truth?
Cartman
Well, let's see... Maybe 'cause he's an old, drunk hillbilly dick!
Mr. Mackey
Shh! M'kay?
Kyle
[Pounds the table.] We've got to get him back, dude.
Cartman
Totally.
Stan
How?
Kyle
Well, he screwed us by makin' something up; I say we do the same thing.
Stan
Well, what do you mean?
Kyle
Did you guys ever see that one Brady Bunch where the guy... [Indistinct whisper.]
Cartman
[As Kyle whispers his plot.] Sweet. Oh, yeah, sweet. That's super sweet. Ah-yes!
Jimbo and Ned back on the set.
Announcer
And now back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned!
Jimbo
Welcome, hunters. Boy, have we got a show for you today! We have just received a tape from another viewer who filmed the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka right here in South Park.
Ned
Aggghhh!
Jimbo
Yes, now we're about to roll the film, but remember: if you look the Mexican staring frog in the eyes, you could go catatonic. We don't know if this applies to pictures of the frog or not, but who wants to take chances? So when we roll this film, be sure to look away.
Jimbo looks away and shields his eyes with his arm. Ned does the same.
Jimbo
Okay, roll the film, Tom.
Tom starts the film and looks away. The footage is that of a fake frog sitting on a doorstep motionless.
Jimbo
Is it over? Okay, it's over.
They lower their arms and sit up.
Jimbo
Well, there you have it. Undeniable proof that the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka exists.
Cartman residence. The boys are watching the show.
Jimbo
And you saw it here, on The Jimbo and Ned Show.
Kyle
Dude, I can't believe they fell for it!
Stan
Yeah, what a couple of dumb-asses.
Kenny
(Yeah, it's like killing a dead pig and a turkey.)
They all laugh.
Stan
Yeah.
Kyle
Come on! We've gotta make another one!
The boys get off the couch and leave.
Cartman
Lying kicks ass!
South Park Public Access. Meanwhile...
Producer
Jesus!
Jesus
Yeah?
Producer
We're in trouble. The Jimbo and Ned Show made up some ridiculous staring frog story and jumped another two points in the ratings!
Jesus
Uh-oh, sssooo what are we supposed to do?
Producer
I don't know. We'll have to continue with the changes we've made, and then go even further.
Stage Hand
And we're back in five, four, three...
Producer
Remember, big, big, big!
Jesus and Pals has a new opening sequence, with Jesus walking backwards into view and throwing his jacket over his shoulder. Meanwhile, 'Jesus and Pals' scrolls along the bottom as both his logo drops down from above. His signature blinks here and there. A montage follows with Jesus talking to a monkey in one screen and Jesus waiting for calls in another. The last thing you see is J&P.
Jesus
If you're just joining us, we've been listening to Michelle's incredible story of survival. Go on, Michelle.
Michelle
[Tearfully.] Well, as I was saying, I tried and tried, but my overturned car just won't budge. My husband was trapped for twelve hours.
Jesus
And yet, somehow, he managed to survive.
Michelle
That's right. He's a very brave man, and I love him very much.
Husband
[In a wheelchair, head bandaged.] I love you, too.
Jesus
W-well, let's see if the audience has any questions.
A large woman raises her hand.
Jesus
Yes, uhh, you over there.
Jesus walks down to her.
Large Woman
I think she needs to kick him to the curb, baby!
The audience applauds.
Jesus
Kick who to the curb?
Large Woman
Her no-good husband! She's got to lose that zero and get herself a hero!
The audience applauds.
Jesus
But--
Red-Haired Woman
He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He's got to dump that trash girlfriend.
She grabs the mic.
Red-Haired Woman
It's all about respect. You've gotta have respect for yourself.
The audience applauds. Michelle is shocked, and her husband drools a little blood.
Jesus
Uuh-I think we've somewhat missed the point here. Let's go to somebody else.
Jesus backs up to an African American.
Jesus
Yes, your comments.
African-American
Montel, I think we're forgetting something very important in all of this. Okay, sure, he touched some children, but the man is a great singer and he has entertained us for so many years.
esus
Wha-what are you talking about?
African-American
Michael Jackson. All this baad-mouthin' and puttin' the man down. Maybe he did touch some children now and then, but come on! It's Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson!
The audience applauds.
Jesus
Uhh, we'll be back right after these messages.
In the woods, the boys set up for another staring frog video. Cartman is behind some bushes and Kyle is in front of them. Stan and Kenny face them.
Stan
Ready, you guys?
Kyle/Cartman
Ready.
Cartman is hiding behind the bush.
Stan
Okay. Action!
The camera rolls, and the frog is dangling from a fishing pole, jumping around. Cartman, holding the pole, speaks in a spooky voice.
Cartman
Blululululululuh. I am the deadly Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... And dangerous!
Stan
Cut! Cartman!
Cartman
[Popping up.] What?
Stan
It's supposed to be a frog!
Cartman
I know that!
Stan
Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?
Cartman
[Thinks.] It's a Sri Lanka frog!
Kyle
[Holding the camera.] Der, Cartman!
Cartman
Der yourself, hippie!
Kyle
Just do it again, Cartman, and don't make it talk! [Resumes filming.]
Stan
Okay. Here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?
Cartman
[Pops up.] I'm ready, Steven Spielberg! [Drops.]
Stan
Action!
Cartman
[Moves the frog around.] Blulululuh. Screw you guys.
Downtown. The boys have Cartman wearing a grey wig, a pink dress, and black high heels.
Cartman
Well, why do I have to dress up like an old lady?
Kyle
'Cause old ladies are fat and you are, too!
Cartman
Ee-goddammit!
Stan
Come on, Cartman, the way we're filming this, nobody will even know it's you.
Cartman
They better not!
Stan
Okay, when I yell "action", you start to walk this way, then Kenny's going to pull the plastic frog in front of you, and you have to be scared.
Cartman
Scared of a plastic frog?
Stan
It's acting, Cartman. You have to pretend you're really scared, then the Mexican staring frog will look you in the eyes, then you fall down, like you're dead, okay? Ready?
Cartman
Man, this is stupid.
Stan
Good. A-and action!
Kenny walks in front of the camera with the frog, as Cartman screams and falls on his back.
Cartman
Eee-ee-ee-ee!
Jimbo and Ned back on the set.
Jimbo
Well, it appears as though a lot of you "skeptics" thought that the film we showed of the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka was a fake. That you say it didn't harm anybody. Well, it just so happens that we just received another film from another anonymous viewer. [Looks away.] Roll it!
The two scenes have been spliced together, except that Cartman falls on his left side, and Kenny added his own touch by mooning the camera.
Jimbo
There you go! Proof that not only is this frog real, but it is doing harm to the people of South Park as we speak!
Ned
Mmmm-damn that frog.
Jimbo
Well, that does it! All this week, Ned and I will be--
South Park Public Access. His producer is watching Huntin' and Killin'.
Jimbo
--risking life and limb as we go on location to hunt the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Join us, won't ya?
Producer
Ooh, no, no, no, no!
Jesus walks up behind her.
Producer
This is the biggest publicity stunt I've ever seen! Damn, those hunters are clever!
Jesus
Uhhh, clever?
Producer
It's genius, it really is. Hell, I even want to watch them hunt the Mexican staring frog. Unless...
Jesus
Unless what?
Producer
Unless we can prove to the world that the whole thing is a sham. If we prove that the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka is just something..made up by Jimbo and Ned, we can have them taken off the air. Perhaps even killed!
Jesus
Look, why don't we just stick to our own show? People will watch again.
Producer
[Wearily.] Oh, J. You are so omnipotent, and yet so naive. We'll launch a full investigation, and in the meantime, we can cash in on the video tapes.
Jesus
What video tapes?
A commercial begins.
Jesus
Yea, children. I am the way and the light...
Announcer
You've seen Jesus and Pals. Now you've got to get the video!
Jesus and Pals: Too Hot for TV!

A man pours some whipped cream on the chest of a topless bikini-clad woman wearing a cowboy hat.

Announcer
Things get a little out of control!
Another guest yells obscenities at another guest, but his mouth is censored.
Announcer
You won't believe your eyes!
Jesus is flanked by two Klansmen as he interviews them.
Announcer
Order now, only $19.95!
Jesus is Lord!!! Visa, MC, and AmEx accepted.
Announcer
Remember, this is stuff you can't see on TV!
Two other women in bikinis take off their tops and dance around. Their breasts are censored with bars saying "TOO HOT!!!"
Next day. Jimbo and Ned with cameraman Tom and producer drive through the town.
Jimbo
Anonymous tip?
Tom
Yeah, it was left on our answering machine. All it said was that they saw the Mexican staring frog just south of Stark's Pond this morning.
Jimbo
Hey, Ned. Remember that time when we got the anonymous tip back in 'Nam?
Tom
You were in 'Nam? Where were you stationed?
Ned
Mmm-Da Nang.
Cameraman
With the log ride?
Jimbo
Yep.
Tom
Man, I was in Tet. We had a bad-ass roller coaster, but... all we ever wanted was a log ride. We waited and we waited, but... they never built us one. I think..Danforth wanted the log ride more than anybody, but he... he had to settle with that lame dinosaur water adventure ride.
Jimbo
That war was hell on everybody.
Tom starts sobbing.
Producer
Good. Okay. Okay, bye! Good news, everybody. This week's ratings are through the roof! We're up to twenty people!
Jimbo
Wow! Do we got more money?
Producer
No, but I do. We're now the highest-rated show on Mountain Cable Access! God bless the Mexican staring frog!
The boys are back in the woods, and their frog is on a small boulder.
Kyle
Dude, they're gonna look so stupid.
Cartman
Dude, totally.
Stan
They deserve it for lying to us, dude.
Cartman
[Relishing the moment.] Revenge is so very, very sweet.
Stan
They're here! Hurry and hide!
They run for cover in a patch of shrubs. Jimbo stops his hummer and the men get out.
Jimbo
Let's hunt!
Producer
We'll start with a two-shot of you and Ned getting your equipment together and--
Ned
Mm-Jimbo, look!
Jimbo
Hit the deck!
They hide behind a snow drift.
Producer
What is it?
Jimbo
It's him! The Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. He's right over there on that rock.
Producer
He is?
Jimbo
Dumb-ass! You've got to keep your eyes away from him!
The producer tries to sneak a peek, but Jimbo forces him down again.
Jimbo
Stay down. Ned, you take flight position; I'll try and keep it turned away from you.
Ned
Mm-roger that.
Ned leaves the drift, as Jimbo stands, facing the camera.
Jimbo
Hello, fellow hunters. Have we got a show for you today.
Ned moves behind the cameraman and begins his assault.
Jimbo
The Mexican staring frog is sunning itself on a rock directly behind us.
Ned jumps from behind one tree to behind another.
Jimbo
We've got to take the frog by surprise. I'm gonna create a diversion using this incendiary device, while Ned will ambush him from the rear.
Jimbo pulls the pin out and throws the grenade behind him. It hits the rock, but the plastic frog simply went about face.
Jimbo
Now, Ned! He's not looking!
Ned advances quickly.
Jimbo
Quick, Ned, hit him with the shotgun! Now, Ned!
Silence.
Jimbo
Ned. Ne-ed?
He turns around and draws closer to the rock. He sees Ned, now catatonic, looking at the frog.
Jimbo
Oh, no!
Close-up. Ned's hair stands on end.
Jimbo
Come on, Ned, buddy, snap out of it!
Ned's gun drops from his good arm.
Jimbo
Come back to me, buddy.
Producer
You getting all this?
The cameraman smiles and gives a thumbs up.
Jimbo
Hold onto your butts.
Jimbo fires away at the frog with his shotgun.
Jimbo
Take that, you demon frog!
Jimbo rushes up to Ned.
Jimbo
Ned, Ned? Can you hear me?
He turns to his crew.
Jimbo
Quick! Somebody, call an ambulance! This man is catatonic!
Producer
Get the Flight for Life helicopter!
The boys rise out of the shrubs.
Stan
Holy crap, dude.
Hells Pass Hospital. Jimbo is at Ned's bedside reading to him.
Jimbo
..."but Ponyboy was beat up pretty bad. He kept saying, 'stay gold.'"
Jimbo closes the book and watches Ned.
Jimbo
Aw, Ned. If you can hear me, y-you've got to snap out of it, 'cause if you don't, uh-I'll never forgive myself.
The boys enter the room.
Jimbo
Aw, Stanley, he's gone! My only friend in the world is gone!
Stan
Dude, he's okay. That frog wasn't even real!
Kyle
Look!
Kyle holds up the plastic frog, which puts Jimbo on guard.
Jimbo
Aghh! What the hell are you doing? I almost looked right at it!
Stan
Dude, it's just a plastic frog; it's not real. Check it out!
Jimbo drops his guard and inspects the frog.
Jimbo
What..?
Stan
We shot all those videos and sent them in.
Kyle
Yeah, we made the whole thing up. It was all just a really, really funny joke! [Grins.]
Jimbo
You sent in those videos?!
Producer
[On the phone.] Oh, this is not good.
Jimbo
My best friend is a vegetable, and I'm gonna be the laughingstock of South Park!
Kyle
Aw, come on. Ned's faking it. That frog was just a piece of plastic!
Stan
Yeah. Come on, Ned. Quit fakin'.
No response from Ned.
Jimbo
You boys don't understand. Ned was so freaked out by the idea of the Mexican staring frog that he must have sent himself into a deep coma.
Jesus' Producer is suddenly at the doorway with a satellite listening device.
Jesus' Producer
It's a psychosomatic response. [Entering.] I couldn't help overhearing your conversation just now.
Kyle
Who are you?
Jesus' Producer
I produce a little TV show called Jesus and Pals, you might have heard of it. Your story is amazing; full of jealousy, duplicity, backstabbing and bitterness.
Jimbo
Uhhhh... Thanks?
Jesus' Producer
How would you like to share your remarkable story with us on tomorrow's show?
Jesus and Pals, after a commercial break. Today's topic: Tots in Trouble.
Jesus
We're back with Jimbo and his nephew, Stan. These kids can't stop lying, can't they?
Jimbo
That's right, Jesus. No respect for their elders. As some of you may know, I host a local show on hunting.
A woman claps.
Jimbo
Thanks. We've been hunting the Mexican staring frog for a week based on some video footage we received from a viewer. Well, it turns out that these kids faked the footage!
Jesus
Is that true, Stan?
Stan
It was just a joke; we didn't think it would hurt anybody.
Jesus looks over to see his producer signaling him to call for a break.
Jesus
Uhh, we'll find out more about this debauchery when we return.
Cameraman
A-and we're out.
Jesus walks off the stage, as the producer walks on.
Producer
You're corpses out here! We need a lot more action from everybody!
Jimbo
Like what?
Producer
Like, go ahead and tell how your nephew Stan takes drugs and worships Satan.
Jimbo
Satan. Got it.
Stan
Whoa, I don't take drugs and worship Satan! That's lying!
Jimbo
Give you a taste of your own medicine, you little fibber!
Producer
And you kids! I didn't bring you on this show to be boring. Somebody get pissed off and throw a chair at Ned here.
Cartman raises his hand.
Cartman
Dibs!
Producer
Remember, you all start to fight after the chair is thrown. That's your cue.
Jimbo
Roger.
The theme music plays again and the crowd applauds for the next segment. Action.
Jesus
Welcome back to Jesus and Pals. Jimbo, why do you think little Stanley lies?
Jimbo
I'll tell you why. Because he's on drugs and worships the devil!
The audience and Stan gasp.
Audience
Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!
Jesus
Wow. Now, Stanley, it sound like your uncle is really worried about you.
Stan
Well, I only..did it 'cause... he..molested me.
Jesus' jaw drops. The audience boos, and the sound man and the director high-five each other.
Jimbo
Why, you little piece of crap!
Stan
You big piece of crap!
Cartman
That's it! Now I'm all pissed off!
Cartman takes his chair and throws it at Ned.
Cartman
Take that, hippie!
The chair hits Ned, who continues to just sit there.
Jimbo
Hey!
Audience
Jeesus! Jeesus!
Jimbo picks up his chair and throws it at Cartman. The chair hits a woman in the right side of her head in the audience and she gets up angry. She heads for the stage.
Jesus tries to calm things down.
Jesus
O-okay, okay, that's enough.
Woman
[Slugs Jimbo.] Take that, you asshole!
Jimbo falls. She jumps on him and strikes again.
Woman
What the fuck was that?
Jesus
Uh, let's watch the language, people.
Jimbo
Bring it on, you bitch!
She hits him again.
Cartman
Ey, get off of him, you fuckin' nutsack!
Audience
Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!
A blond man pushes Jesus out of the way as he heads for the stage. The rest of the audience follow suit, and soon everyone is fighting.
Jesus
Let's all just..make our way back to our seats.
Kenny is being pulled apart by two men.
Kenny
(Nononono-yikes!)
Kenny is ripped in half.
Man
Yeah, yeah, yeh-oh?
The men realized what they have done.
Stan
Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastards!
Cartman comes flying across the stage.
Cartman
Ey, you guys!
Two men just sitting in the audience start to fight for no reason.
Jesus
Let's all just..make our way back to our seats.
Woman 1
Oh, my God!
Cartman flies across the stage again.
Woman 2
Nooooo!
A man walks by with a chainsaw.
Jesus
Shut the fuck up!
The audience members stop and gasp at him. Cartman was biting at the leg of a man onstage.
Jesus
Jesus, what is wrong with you people?! Look around you, Stanley. Look at all the pain and suffering your lie has caused.
The audience members slowly return to their seats.
Stan
W-we only did it because Jimbo lied to us first. We had this report on the Vietnam War for school, and we interviewed Jimbo about it and he made up all this stuff about Vietnam, and he got us in trouble.
A couple of rats come by and drag Kenny's upper half away.
Jimbo
Hey, now. Everything I told you boys about the war actually happened.
Stan
Mr. Garrison said that there was no way that you could have defeated the entire Vietcong Army by yourself.
Jesus
The entire Vietcong Army?
Jimbo
I uh... Well, okay, I might have embellished the truth a little, but that's different.
Jesus
Is it?
Jimbo
Well, sure. I mean, eh... [Pinned.] Well, no uh, I guess not.
Jesus
And as for you, Stan uh, I think you need to kick your drug habit and--
Stan
Wait a second, I don't take drugs! That was a lie!
Jesus
Wait. Jimbo made that up?
Stan
No, your producer did.
This gets the producer's attention.
Stan
She made Jimbo tell everybody that I did drugs.
Jesus
What?
Stan
During the break. Your producer came over, and told Jimbo what to say about me. She told him to lie!
Jimbo
It's true, she did. Hu-I'm such a tool.
Jesus
Oh, really?
The producer is now trying to hide behind a potted plant.
Kyle
Yeah! Then she told us to throw a chair at Ned!
Cartman
Yeah. I didn't wanna do it, Jesus. They made me do that.
Man in Brown Shirt
Screw this show. I thought this was all real.
The audience members begin to leave.
Jesus
W-wait, everybody. Come back.
African-American
[Pats Jesus on the shoulder.] Don't feel too bad, Montel. We all want to touch children sometimes; it's only natural.
South Park Public Access, outside. Later...
Jimbo
I'm sorry, Stan. I was just trying to tell a good story. I never meant for you boys to get in trouble.
Stan
W-we're sorry, too, Uncle Jimbo. We're sorry for making you look stupid in front of the whole world.
Kyle
Yeah. And we're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable.
Jimbo
Aw, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some good hard-core porn, he'll snap right out of it. Won't you, Ned?
Jimbo slaps him on the shoulder, and Ned falls like a statue. A door opens.
Jesus
I want to apologize to all of you for what happened in there. In our competition for ratings we lost sight of why we got into show business in the first place.
Jimbo
Yeah. Titties and beer.
Jesus
Actually, I was referring more to the pursuit of truth, but—Well, anyway, I can't wait to get back to my old show without all the glitz and the ratings and producers and--
Kyle
Wait a sec. Where is your producer?
Jesus
[Upset.] I sent her away.
Cartman
Sent her away where?
Hell. She enters Satan's lair with phone in hand. Pitchforks rise and begin poking her.
Producer
What is this? What's happening?!
Satan
Welcome to my dominion.
Producer
[Retreating.] Oooooohhhh!
Saddam Hussein
[Comes up behind Satan and stands next to him.] Hey. Take a load off. Put your feet up. Me and Satan were just aboot to go shopping for furniture. Come on, Satan.
Satan
Okay, honey.
They turn around and walk away, the camera enters her mouth as she screams.
Producer
Noooooo!

End of The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka.
War is hell
My brother's a dirty mess
In war, war is hell
It's hell for you and me

End of The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka


  206: "The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka" edit
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Jesus and Pals

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South Park: The Complete Second Season

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