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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Red
  • Craig Tucker
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Stephen Stotch
  • Linda Stotch
  • Harrison Yates
  • Maggie Yates
  • Detective Harrison Yates
  • Detective Murphy
  • Johnson
  • Frakes
  • Various Additional Children
  • Sgt. Snetzl
  • Michael Jackson
  • Blanket Jackson

Script

The Jeffersons
The neighborhood. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny ride down the street on their big wheels.
Stan
[stops and looks at a house] Hey, check it out, dude. Somebody bought the Donovan's old house. [the other boys stop and look.]
Kyle
Yeah, I think they already moved in. I saw moving vans in their driveway two days ago.
Cartman
I hope they're not Austrians. That's the last thing this town needs. [a door is heard opening]
Kyle
[points] Hey Look!
A young kid wearing an ornate face mask is seen peeking out the front door.
Blanket
Hello!
The boys get off their bikes and approach the kid.
Kyle
Hey. Do you live here?
Blanket
Yeah, I just moved here with my dad. Are you gonna be my new friends?
Cartman
No.
Blanket
I really like your town. My dad wanted to move somewhere to get away from it all. He said he wanted peace and quiet, and to live with a bunch of hicks who don't know anything.
Stan and Kyle look at each other a bit puzzled.
Stan
What's that you're wearing?
Blanket
It's my mask. My daddy says it's best for me to hide my face. My name's Blanket.
Cartman
Your name is Blanket... Right. Well Blanket, I'm Howdy Doody, and these are my friends, Timsy, Winky, and Nod. Unfortunately, we have to be off to the Land of Booger Trees, so we'll be leaving now.
The boys turn back to get back on to their bikes.
Blanket
Wait! Don't you guys wanna come inside and play?
Cartman
Huh? Look dude, we're in the fourth grade, okay? You know what that means? It means we don't hang out with a little kid. Come on guys, let's get back to our Big Wheels. [they turn away.]
Blanket
We have arcade games inside.
Kyle and Cartman whip around. Moments later, the boys are in the house.'
The Jeffersons' house inside.
Blanket
Dad?
Stan
Whoa. Dude, no way!
Cartman
Oh my God, this is awesome! [runs up to a claw machine]
Stan
Dude, are these all your toys?
Blanket
No, this is all my dad's stuff. He loves toys and video games.
Kyle
Dude, he just be loaded! What does he do?
Blanket
He's retired now.
Cartman
[guiding the machine's arm to grab a plush toy] Oh my God, dude! Your dad must be the coolest guy in the world!
Blanket
Come on, my dad's probably out in the backyard. [guides the other three boys out]
The backyard. The sliding door opens up to a small park, a Neverland, with a giraffe, small Ferris wheel, small carousel, and other things. The boys step through the doorway.
Cartman
Oh, kick ass! Dude, why isn't my house like this?!
Blanket
Dad? You out here?
Michael
Here I am, Blanket!
Blanket's dad, a spitting image of Michael Jackson, rides into view on a small train and waves. Every few seconds his moustache falls off and he has to put it back in place. He hops off the train and dances around
Michael
Heeee!
He twirls, does a pelvic thrust while daintily touching his crotch.
Michael
Jeh chabee durtah!
He pulls up his pant legs a bit, kicks his right leg up, then whips his right arm out to full length. His moustache falls off and he resets it, then runs up to Blanket and picks him up
Michael
Blanket! Oh my beautiful blanket!
Kyle
[softly] What's wrong with his face?
Stan
[softly] Be cool, dude. I, I think maybe he's a burn victim or something.
Blanket
Guys, this is my dad. Michael Ja-
Michael
Jefferson! Michael ...Jefferson, yeh. Hey, you wanna play with me?
He runs into the yard.
Michael
Come on, let's climb the tree! [turns to a tree and scales it] Come on, climb the tree, climb the tree!
Michael motions for the boys to join him. They oblige and join him up there.
Michael

Have you been up my... Wishing Tree? Tuh!
It's where I come to think and dream.
And now I'd like to show you my... Wishing Tree.
Jam on!
Where we can laugh and giggle and scream.
Hee hee!
Imagination is the key.

Kyle
Mr. Jefferson, your son can't get up.
Michael
Won't you imagine along with me?
Kyle
Mr. Jefferson?
On the ground, Blanket can't even reach the bottom rung of the ladder.
Michael

We can be spacemen,
or pirates on the sea
Chuckajamonah!
Yes we can do everything,
and I mean, everything!
Chuckajamonah!
Up in my Wishing Tree!
Hee hee! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

Stark's Pond, day. A group of kids skate around lazily on its frozen surface. Stan and friends race over a rise towards the lake.
Stan
Hey, you guys! You guys! [the kids gather around] You gotta come with us over to the Jeffersons!
Red
The Jeffersons?
Cartman
[breathless] They're a new family that just moved to South Park! We met this kid named Blanket and he has the coolest dad in the world! [his chest heaves noticeably]
Kyle
Mr. Jefferson said we can invite all the kids in town to go play over at their house.
Cartman
They have like, video games and rides and a cotton-candy machine, oh, and, and in their back yard, guess what they have in their back yard?! Guess. A train.
Craig
[in a monotone voice] No way.
Cartman
Yeah way, Craig! And if you don't believe in Mr. Jefferson, then you can just not come!
Craig
[not wanting to be left out] I believe in Mr. Jefferson!
The Jefferson house, arcade room. As the kids enjoy the toys and games found there, Jefferson swings above them on a spacious swing with Bebe on his lap.
Michael
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, look at us on the swing! We're swinging!
Blanket
Who wants the first cotton candy?
The kids around him begin to clamor for it.
Kids
Memememememememememe
Blanket hands the first cotton-candy to Kyle.
Michael
Mememe! I'm first! I'm first!
Blanket steps away a bit astonished, but soon all the kids have cotton candy.
Michael
Oooo, let's go ride the choo-choo train!
Cartman
Choo-choo train! Yay!
The kids begin to move towards the back yard. Blanket is left on the floor trying to stand and catch up to them.
The Jefferson back yard. The kids follow Jefferson to the train.
Michael
Let's ride the train! The train!
The kids climb on and the train begins to roll.
Michael

Would you like to ride the train with me,
and start a magical journey?

Cartman
Yes I would, Mr. Jefferson. You're so awesome, Mr. Jefferson.
Michael
Cartman, you have a beautiful voice.
Cartman
Thank you Mr. Jefferson. So do you.
Michael
Let's ride and ride on the train together
Cartman
...Train together
Michael
On a journey through both of our minds.
Cartman
I've got time. Do youuu??
Back near the sliding door, Stan, Kyle and Kenny look on. Blanket stands next to them and Kyle notices Blanket's left leg.
Kyle
Dude, what happened to your knee?
Blanket
[his skinned knee is shown] I fell down.
Kyle
[calls out] Mr. Jefferson!
Michael
[back on the train] Choo-choo train, it's all fun and games.
Cartman
Choo-choo train.
Kyle
Mr- ! Goddammit. Here, come on. We need to clean that up. [takes Blanket inside]
The bathroom. Kyle sits Blanket on the toilet and dresses the wound.
Kyle
Alright, this is gonna sting for a second.
Kyle dabs some alcohol onto a towel and presses the towel onto Blanket's knee, wiping off some dirt, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.
Blanket
Ow!
Kyle
I know, I know. Be cool.
Blanket
Thank you. That already feels better.
Kyle wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.
Kyle
So, dude, do you have any brothers or sisters?
Blanket
I have a half-brother and a half-sister. But they live with their mom now.
Kyle wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.
Kyle
And where is your mom?
Blanket
I don't have a mom.
Kyle
You must have a mom.
Kyle wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.
Kyle
You mean she doesn't live here, or she's dead, or what?
Blanket
No. I was made in a laboratory.
Kyle
What?
Blanket
My daddy wanted to have a baby, so he put me in a test tube. Then, they put me in a woman's tummy, and, when I was born, Daddy took me home.
Kyle
So you never met your mom?
Blanket
No... But I used to have a lot of bodyguards and nannies, if that counts.
Kyle
Yeah. Yeah, that counts.
The neighborhood, some time later. The boys are walking home. Kyle seems concerned.
Cartman
Oh man, that was great! You guys know what Mr. Jefferson said? He said I'm his best friend, and I can go over to his house whenever I want! I'm supposed to go right back over there after dinner tonight!
Kyle
You guys, I feel kinda bad for that kid.
Cartman
You feel bad for him?! He has everything a kid could want!
Kyle
Mr. Jefferson just seems like he wants to be a kid, not have one.
Cartman
Oh, you know what?! This makes perfect sense! A guy moves into South Park with a FERRIS wheel in his back yard, and KYLE has to see a problem with it! [faces Kyle down] Mr. Jefferson is the best thing that's happened to this town in a long time, and if you miss this up, so help me god, I will rip your balls off with my bare hands! With my bare hands, Goddamn you! [turns and walks away angrily]
Stan's house, afternoon. Stan enters the kitchen through the back door. Randy is at the breakfast nook reading a paper, Sharon puts a coffee pot onto the counter.
Randy
Well, there he is. Where have you been all afternoon.
Stan
I was over at the new neighbors, the Jeffersons.
Sharon
Oh, are they nice people?
Stan
Yeah. It's just a dad and his son.
Sharon
Well, we're supposed to have the Broflovskis and the Stotches over for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll invite Mr. Jefferson too.
Stan's house, evening. The Marshes and their guests are seated at table for dinner. On the left are seated Sheila, Stephen, and Linda. On the right are seated Gerald, Mr. Jefferson, Sharon, and Randy is at the head of the table.
Gerald
So, Mr. Jefferson, did I hear you say you moved here from Kentucky?
Michael
Kentucky, yeah.
Randy
I heard people saying you all were from Illinois.
Michael
No, the- they're ignorant. That's ignorant.
Stephen
What kind of work do you do, Mr. Jefferson?
Michael
Oh I'm retired now, but, I was in... pharmaceuticals
Sheila
Well our boys have really taken a liking to you. You seem to really have a way with them.
Michael
I just id- identify so much with children. Their innocence, their beauty. I think that God is in the face of every child.
Randy
....Yeeeah.
Sharon
...They are fun. [glances back, away from the table] Boys, you okay out there?
The living room. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket are seated on the sofa, eating.
Stan
Fine, Mom.
Blanket
Wow, these are great. What are they called again?
Kyle
They're TV dinners. Don't you wanna take that veil off so you can eat?
Blanket
Nah, I'm not supposed to. Dad says I have to keep my face hidden.
The doorbell rings. Stan goes to answer the front door and sees Cartman.
Cartman
What the hell is going on?! Are you having Mr. Jefferson over for dinner?!
Stan
No, my parents are.
Cartman
You guys better not be trying to Bogart my friend away!
Stan
What?
Cartman
He is my friend, got it?! I was friends with him before you assholes were, [Stan steps back...] and I-
He closes the door. Stan walks away and Cartman looks through a window.
Cartman
Stan! Stan, I'm seriously! You'd better not be talking bad about me in there to Mr. Jefferson!
The dining table.
Gerald
Hey, you know Kobe Bryant was up in Eagle today.
Randy
Oh yeah? What do you think, Mr. Jefferson? Do you think Kobe's guilty or innocent?
Michael
[taken aback] D'huh?
Stephen
I think he's definitely going to jail. I just love seeing smug celebrities get their comeuppance.
Michael
I think it's wrong what the police do to wealthy black men.
Gerald
Oh come on, Mr. Jefferson, you're not one of those who think that the police go around framing rich black people just because they're jealous?
Michael
Yeah! Because their hearts are full of greed and they have... doo-doo in their souls.
Park County Police Station. Inside Harris waits for a fax to finish printing. As another officer walks by with a cup of coffee, he takes a sheet from the machine.
Harris
Hey Sergeant, take a look at this.
Yates
[disregards the sheet] Whatcha got?
Harris
Looks like a new family has just moved into South Park. One Mr. Jefferson, age 50, bought a house there and paid cash. He seems to have a lot of money.
Yates
So, what's the problem?
Harris
Take a look. Says here... [the sergeant takes the sheet and reviews it] He's black.
Yates
By God, so he is. Black and rich. Time to take this Mr. Jefferson down, just like we did Kobe.
He hands the sheet and the cup of coffee to the officer and address the department.
Yates
Let's go people!
Yates turns, takes his coat from the coat rack and puts it on
Yates
We've got another rich black guy. I want him humiliated and dragged through the dirt, and I want it done by the books!
Stan's house, night. Stan is asleep in his room when someone pounds at his window. Stan wakes up, then goes to the window.
Stan
[looks out] Kyle?
Stan opens the window. Michael, dressed as Peter Pan, crawls up and in.
Michael
Hey, Stan, whatcha doin'? [dances a little]
Stan
Mr. Jefferson Awww! [hops off the bed] It's 1:30 in the morning!
Michael
Look at me, I'm Peter Pan.
Michael draws his small sword and swings it. His mustache falls off.
Michael

T-shamon!
I'm a little boy forever.

Michale raises himself up on his tippy-toes.
Michael
Hey!
Stan
Mr. Jefferson, I have to go to school tomorrow!
Cartman
Oh, son of a bitch! I knew it! What the hell are you doing, Stan?! I'll tell you what you're doing! You're trying to steal MY best friend!
Stan
He just showed up here.
Cartman
Remember, Mr. Jefferson? You said we were best friends. [a knock is heard at Stan's door]
Stan
Jesus Christ!
Stan goes to the door and finds Kyle and Blanket in the hallway.
Kyle
Dude, look who I found prowling around in my back yard.
Blanket
[wearing his veil] Hi, Stan.
Kyle
He was out all alone in the middle of the night. Mr. Jefferson isn't even home.
Stan
I know. He's here.
Kyle
What?!
Michael
Oh Kyle, Blanket, yay, it's a slumber party!
Stan
No! Mr. Jefferson, you need to take your son home.
Michael
We can't go home. There's a ghost in our house. Me and Blanket are scared.
Blanket
Dad says it wants to eat us.
Michael
Please don't make us go back home. Please! We're scared, we're scared!
Blanket
We're scared!
Mr. Jefferson
Hee hee!
Stan
Okay, fine, we'll all stay here, but we're going to sleep now!
Kyle
Come on, Blanket.
Kyle takes Blanket to bed. Stan follows them and all three slide into place.
Michael

Now let's all sleep and dream
Heehee!
of fun and adventurous things
shamonah!
It's time for us all to say goodnight

Cartman
Deeper.
Cartman turns to Mr. Jefferson and hugs him. Stan rolls his eyes and looks at Cartman again, then closes his eyes and begins to dream...
Cartman
Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome.
Michael
I think you're awesome too, Cartman.
They get closer and closer to each other.
Cartman
Yeah?
Michael
Yeah.
Cartman
Yeah?
Michael
Yeah.
Cartman
Yeah?
They're about to kiss, and Stan wakes up startled.
Stan
Ahaa!
Stan looks over to his right and sees them both asleep.
Michael
[wakes up] What's the matter, Stan? Did you have a bad dream?
Stan
Yeah. A really bad dream.
Stan shuts his eyes and sinks down into his bed.
Stan
Oh Jesus!
The Jefferson house. An unmarked police car, blue in color, waits across the street. Harris sips on a soda.
Yates
[using his walkie-talkie] Murphy, you inside?
Murphy
[walking through the arcade room] We're inside, sir. Harris was right. This guy looks like he has more money than all of us put together. Black sonofabitch!
He whips out a package of something white.
Murphy
I'm planting the cocaine now.
He sets it under the toy machine Cartman was using earlier.
Yates
Johnson, what about you?
Johnson
[in a closet] Placing the blood spatter now, sir. [right on a pair of Jefferson's shoes]
Yates
Frakes?
Frakes
Placing pubic hair from the raped girl now, sir.
Yates
All right, when this Jefferson guy shows up, arrest him fast and try not to beat him. There could be neighbors with video cameras. [sighs] Why do we do it, Harris?
Harris
Sir?
Yates
Why is it that us policemen around the country have such a passion for framing wealthy African-Americans with crimes they didn't commit?
Harris
Oh, why? I guess I never thought about why, sir. We just do it.
Yates
Twenty-five years I've been on the force. I've seen every kind of sick, depraved act known to humanity and still, when I see a black man walk by who has more money than me, I... want to vomit my gizzards right in the gutter. But why? Maybe there is no reason. Maybe there's just a big blue ball out there that's mostly covered with water and we're just goin' along for the ride.
Stan's house, morning. Someone knocks on Stan's door.
Randy
Stan, time to get up for school. [opens the door and looks in] Stan? What the-? [sees the five people in bed] Mr. Jefferson?!
Michael
[sits up quickly] Oh oh, we were just having a slumber party.
The boys sit up and look at Randy.
Randy
Mr. Jefferson, this is highly inappropriate!
Michael
Inappropriate? No, you're being ignorant. They're my friends. You see, I- I didn't have a childhood, so I'm really just a child myself.
He takes out some bills from a back pocket and approaches Randy and Sharon
Michael
Here, everything's okay. I want you each to have a hundred dollars. [gives each of them 100 dollar bills]
Randy
Wow, I'm gonna go buy that new sport coat I've been wanting. [leaves, and Sharon watches him go]
Michael
Come on, Blanket. We have to go home and feed the animals. Bye, friends. [quickly leaves with Blanket in tow]
Sharon
Boys, I do not want you going over to Mr. Jefferson's anymore. Do you understand?
Stan
You don't have to tell us twice, Mom. That guy's a freak!
Cartman
Not go to Mr. Jefferson's anymore? Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck my fat, hairy balls! [Stan, Kyle, and Sharon are shocked]
The stakeout at Jefferson house, day. The two officers are snoring, but Yates is roused by the sound of a voice.
Michael
Come on, Blanket!
Yates
Hey Har- Har- Harris! Harris!
Harris
[walks] Wha- wha- what?
Yates
It's Jefferson! He's back! [gets on his communicator] All right, people. Let's give Blacky a nice welcome home.
He and Harris whip out firearms and aim. Mr. Jefferson opens the front door and goes back to the front lawn to retrieve his wooden sword.
Yates
Whoa, wait a minute! [withdraws his gun] That guy isn't black!
Blanket heads down the steps, and Mr. Jefferson takes him inside.
Yates
Holy God, his son isn't black either! Oh Jesus! [gets on his communicator] This is Yates! Stand down! I repeat, stand down! Suspect is not black!
Yates scolds Harris.
Yates
You son of a bitch, you told my this guy was African-American!
Harris
It says right here on the final sheet he is!
Yates
[shoves Harris's face against the windshield] Does that look like a black guy to you?!
Harris
It said on the final sheet!
Yates
[throws a fit] Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! We could have made an innocent man go to jail who wasn't black! Oh!
He grabs his own neck, then quickly opens his door and vomits onto the street.
Yates
Wuuugh! Wuugh! Ohaugh. Ugh.
Yates wipes his lips clean with the back of his hand and now looks exhausted.
Yates
Jesus, Harris. What are we becoming? We're supposed to... protect the people. Where have we lost our way?
Harris
Sir, it's possible that he is black, even though he doesn't look it.
Yates
[whips around and says menacingly] To hell with you! I'm never gonna frame an innocent man again! Unless I know he's black for sure!
Inside the house, Mr. Jefferson closes all the windows and curtains.
Michael
All the adults are trying to get us. Get up to your room, Blanket, and put your mask on! We can't go outside anymore!
Moments later, Blanket is in his room looking outside. Across the street, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk by. Kyle looks up and notices Blanket looking bored..
Kyle
[stops] That poor kid.
Stan
Dude, come on. We're not supposed to go over there.
Kyle crosses the street anyway and Kenny shrugs. Stan and Kenny follow/
Blanket
[opens his windows as they approach] Hi guys!
Kyle
Hey Blanket. Uh, look, we're goin' over to help my dad chop wood. You... wanna come with?
Blanket
Really? You mean it?
Michael
[interrupts, clapping] Oh yay, my friends are here! Come inside and play, guys!
Stan
Ah, actually, Mr. Jefferson, we were seeing if Blanket wanted to chop wood with us.
Michael
Chop wood? No, that's ignorant. That's poopie work. Blanket and me wanna play!
Stan
Mr. Jefferson, uh, it might be good for Blanket to learn how to chop wood.
Michael
Blanket likes to play, don't you Blanket? [picks him up and moves him around through the open window] Wee, look! He can fly!
Kyle
[the boys fear for Blanket's life] Jesus Christ, dude!
Blanket
Aaaaaah! [Mr. Jefferson dangles him around by his left foot]
Stan
Stop, you fucking lunatic! [Mr. Jefferson's moustache falls off and down to the ground, he pulls Blanket back inside and closes the window]
Kyle
Dude, we have got to get that kid away from him!
Blanket's room. He's crying on a giant plush teddy bear. Mr. Jefferson tries to soothe him.
Michael
No, Blanket, shhhh. Stop crying. It's okay, Blanket. Here, look.
Michael spins around and does a pelvic thrust.
Michael
Jeekabee durtah! [a kick and outstretched arm] Ow!
Blanket returns to crying into his teddy bear, Mr. Jefferson goes to soothe him again.
Michael
There, Blanket, shhhh. [tries to distract Blanket] Hey, hey look, hey look.
Michael touches Blanket's nose and has his thumb pop out between index and middle finger.
Michael
I got your nose. [does it again.] Look! Lookit, I got your nose. I got your nose, Blanket. See?
Does it again, and Blanket is quiet. He then smiles and grabs at his father's nose, giggling... and finds it in his hand.
Blanket
Aaaaaaaah! [throws it away and runs out of his bedroom]
Michael
No, Blanket, stop!
picks up his nose, puts it back in place, and pursues Blanket.
Michael
It's ignorant. You're being ignorant!
Yates' house, later. He enters. A woman appears moments later.
Maggie
Harrison, why haven't you called? You know how I worry.
Yates
I'm givin' up, Maggie. I'm quitting the force.
Yatesremoves his jacket, and places it on a coat rack, then walks to a desk.
Maggie
Quitting the force? You?
Yates
None of it makes sense anymore. [sits down and unloads his frustrations] I don't even know if what we're doing is right. The last thirteen hours we've been working on a case, trying to get a real scumbag off the streets. And when he walked up to the door, I could have sworn he was white. Maybe I can't tell the difference anymore. Maybe it doesn't matter. Because it seems like every time we frame a rich black guy, he's back out on the streets in no time. It's just like OJ. Do you know how hard those cops worked to frame him? The tireless hours they put in?! And then he just gets off because somebody messed up and said the N word out loud too many times. I guess I'm just tired. I'm just damn tired.
Maggie
[approaches and consoles him] Not another word of that kind of talk, Harrison Yates. [he looks up at her] Believe me I would love nothin' more than to have you quit the force and no longer have to worry about whether or not you're comin' home. But I know you. Framin' rich black men for crimes they didn't commit is in your blood. Wiping that rich, smug smile off their faces is the only thing that puts a smile on yours. You're a good cop, Harrison Yates. You don't have to question that. Because I'm here to tell you. [she caresses him, he kisses her hand]
Yates
And you're a good wife, Maggie. You know me better than I know myself. [abruptly rises and goes to the coat rack]
Maggie
Where're you goin'?
Yates
Think I've got a little more work to do. [puts on his coat and heads outside]
The Jefferson house, night. Cartman walks up to the door and knocks.
Cartman
Mr. Jefferson? It's your best friend in the whole wide world, Eric Cartman. Mr. Jefferson? I came to sleep over tonight, remember?
Mr. Jefferson room. He's on the phone with someone.
Michael
No, Dr. Nelson, I'm telling you, you have to fly out here right now! My nose came off again!
Michael tosses his nose away, puts more lipstick on his lips.
Michael
I know you live in California; I'll pay for your plane ticket!
Michael pulls at his hair, and some of it comes off.
Michael
But I'm falling apart! I need some more of that cream and the injections! I have to look young again!
Michael picks up a stylus and pokes his lips, which pop and let fly some collagen. The skin on his lower jaw drops down and reveals some teeth.
Michael
Oh, I'm melting!
The Jefferson house, outside. A ladder is propped up against the side of the house. Kyle, Stan, and another boy approach. The boy wears the same mask Blanket usually does.
Kyle
All right. Thanks a lot for helping us, dude.
Kenny
Yeah, sure, whatever.
Stan
You just gotta pretend you're Blanket until we can get the real Blanket somewhere safe.
Kenny
Aren't I too big to be Blanket?
Kyle
[seething as he climbs the ladder] I don't think Mr. Jefferson pays enough attention to his son to notice. Come on! [Stan and Kenny follow]
Blanket's bedroom. Blanket silently cries and the door creaks open.
Stan
Blanket, you in here?
Blanket
[excited] Hi guys!
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny spread out and hop onto Blanket's bed.
Kyle
Shh, Blanket, we're gonna take you away for a little while, okay? [Kenny looks around]
Blanket
You are? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Kyle whisks Blanket away, Stan motions Kenny into place.
Stan
All right dude, get in his bed.
Kenny
[gets under the covers] All right, but you guys owe me for this.
Stan
Dude, whatever. At least you finally get to do something. [hops off and leaves]
Santa Barbara Police Department, Snetzl's desk. His phone rings and he picks it up.
Snetzl
Santa Barbara Police Department, this is Snetzl.
Park County Police Department, Yates' desk.
Yates
Hello, this is Sergeant Yates over at the Park County Police Department in Colorado.
Snetzl
Yes, sergeant. What can I do for you?
Yates
Well, we've been trying to frame this guy who just moved into our town, and the fil-o-fax says he moved from your area. One Martin Jefferson?
Snetzl
Hm. No, we never had a any rich African-Americans named Jefferson here. If we had, we would have framed him ourselves.
Yates
Well, he doesn't really look that black.
Snetzl
Yeah, I don't, uh... Hold on a second. There was one we framed a couple of times, but the black bastard was so rich he made bail and disappeared before the trial.
Yates
You say he disappeared? What did you frame him for?
Snetzl
We, uhhh, found some kids that had stayed over at his place, and we asked them to lie and make up some false molestation charges.
Yates
Molestation, nice.
Snetzl
Yeah, it was a lot of work. Took years, but we were finally able to arrest him. Then we planted some evidence, took embarrassing photos of his penis, and threw him in a dirty prison cell with feces on the walls. You should have seen him squirm!
Yates
That's damn fine police work, sergeant. Damn fine.
Snetzl
Heh, yeah, but the point is this guy didn't really look black either. We had to sneak in while he was asleep and get a DNA sample to be sure.
Yates
[rises from his chair. Other officers draw near] Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! It must be the same guy!
The Jefferson house. Cartman knocks on the front door again.
Cartman
Mr. Jefferson, hello?!
The bathroom. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket prepare a carry-on bag.
Kyle
Come on, Blanket! We gotta go before your dad sees us.
They turn towards the window next to the tub and head to it. Michael appears behind them.
Michael
What are you doing with my Blanket?
The boys freeze. Kyle turns around and sees a disjointed, disheveled Jefferson in a Thriller outfit. The camera does a vertigo effect. Michael walks up to the boys.
Michael
Come on, Blanket, play with me. Jeechabee durtah! Hee! [an outstretched arm]
Stan, Kyle, Blanket
Haaaaa!
Stan
Go, go, ruuun! [the boys run out of the bathroom]
Mr. Jefferson
[whispers as he walks] Sutah!
The Hallway. The boys run towards the stairs.
Stan, Kyle, Blanket
Haaaaa!
Michael
[rounds a corner onto the hallway] Wuchatennah! Jamonah! Heehee!
Stan
[The boys enter Blanket's room] Oh Jesus!
Kenny
What the hell is going on, you guys?
Michael
[enters and heads for Blanket's bed] My Blanket! Let's play, Blanket! [pulls Kenny out of the bed]
Kenny
Nonono wait, I'm not Blanket!
Michael
[tossing Kenny up into the air] Wee, he can fly! He can fly!
Kenny
Aaaah! Aaaah, stop! A-
Kenny's head goes through the ceiling and blood runs down his body. It begins to drip from his feet.
Stan
Oh my God, he killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastard!
Michael turns around and sees the boys.
Michael
Blanket? Blanket! Come play! [slowly approaches the boys]
Blanket
Nooo! [Stan turns to leave]
Kyle
[grabs Blanket's hand and leaves as well] Come on!
The Jefferson house, front lawn. Kyle opens the front door and the boys exit.
Stan
Run, Blanket, Run!
Blanket
[stumbles] Ah!
Michael
[exits] Dainduh! Dainduh Dainduh!
Kyle
[Kyle and Stan help Blanket up] Hang on, Blanket!
The three run off and a floodlight turns on, blinding Michael.
Mr. Jefferson
[shielding his eyes] Dugh! Heehee! Ja-!
Yates
[through his bullhorn] Freeze, Jefferson! The gig is up! You are wanted for child mo-les-tation!
Cartman
[hops to Mr. Jefferson's defense, standing in front of him] No! I am sick and tired of people harassing Mr. Jefferson! [a crowd, including the boys' parents, gathers] All I've been hearing since Mr. Jefferson moved here are sick lies! That he molests children, that he's a bad father, that he has plastic surgery!
Michael
It's ignorant.
His lower jaw literally drops to the ground. He bends down, picks it up, and pops it back in place.
Cartman
Sure, maybe Mr. Jefferson's a little different. But that's because he had to work all the time when he was young and missed out on his childhood. What's wrong with wanting to have the innocence and beauty of a child.
Kyle
[returns with Blanket] All right, let's just say all the bad things said about Mr. Jefferson are lies! Let's say the police department does just go around spending their time framing people for crimes they didn't commit!
Kyle
Let's say it's all made up, and Mr. Jefferson is just a nice guy who's trying to be a child because he never got to have a childhood. Well that's fine, except for that he HAS children now! And when people have children, they have to grow up!
Michael
[closeup for a few seconds] You're right. I've been so obsessed with my childhood that I've forgotten about his. I thought having lots of rides and toys was enough, but... Blanket doesn't need a playmate. He needs a father, and a normal life. Chickuckoo gainuh. [genuflects behind Blanket] Blanket, I wanna give away all my money. I- I wanna get a normal job and... take a shot at raising you in a normal setting.
Blanket removes the ornate mask, and Blanket blinks while shielding his eyes. Blanket moves over to his friends.
Blanket
Look everybody! I'm a normal little boy.
Yates
[approaches with Harris] Well, if you're gonna give away all your money, then, I guess we can drop all those charges. No point in putting another poor black man in jail.
Kyle
All right! Things just might work out!
Michael
Things can always work out, as long as we know we have the power to change.
Music begins to play as the neighbors and officers gather around him.
Michael

We all have the power to change if we search inside our hearts
And we start to heal the wounds of all our yesterdays
And you know it might be hard, but all you've got to do is start,
And you can change all of your evil molesting ways.
Jejabee durtah! Hee-hee! OOOOH! Jejabee durtah! Hee-hee! Jamonah! butcha-tamonah! Chich-cha!

End of The Jeffersons


  807: "The Jeffersons" edit
Story Elements

Michael JeffersonBlanket Jefferson • "Let's Ride the Train" • "My Wishing Tree"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Eighth Season

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