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The Jeffersons/Script

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Red
  • Craig Tucker
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Stephen Stotch
  • Linda Stotch
  • Harrison Yates
  • Maggie Yates
  • Detective Harrison Yates
  • Detective Murphy
  • Johnson
  • Frakes
  • Various Additional Children
  • Sgt. Snetzl
  • Michael Jackson
  • Blanket Jackson

Script

[The neighborhood. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny ride down the street on their big wheels.]
Stan: [stops and looks at a house] Hey, check it out, dude. Somebody bought the Donovan's old house. [the other boys stop and look.]
Kyle: Yeah, I think they already moved in. I saw moving vans in their driveway two days ago.
Cartman: I hope they're not Austrians. That's the last thing this town needs. [a door is heard opening]
Kyle: [points] Hey Look! [a young kid wearing an ornate face mask is seen peeking out the front door.]
Blanket: Hello! [the boys get off their bikes and approach]
Kyle: Hey. Do you live here?
Blanket: Yeah, I just moved here with my dad. Are you gonna be my new friends?
Cartman: [does a soft laugh that sounds like a sniff] No.
Blanket: I really like your town. My dad wanted to move somewhere to get away from it all. He said he wanted peace and quiet, and to live with a bunch of hicks who don't know anything. [Stan and Kyle look at each other a bit puzzled]
Stan: What's that you're wearing?
Blanket: It's my mask. My daddy says it's best for me to hide my face. My name's Blanket.
Cartman: Your name is Blanket... Right. Well Blanket, I'm Howdy Doody, and these are my friends, Timsy, Winky, and Nod. Unfortunately, we have to be off to the Land of Booger Trees, so we'll be leaving now. [the boys turn back to get back on to their bikes]
Blanket: Wait! Don't you guys wanna come inside and play?
Cartman: [all four boys stop and turn] Huh? Look dude, we're in the fourth grade, okay? You know what that means? It means we don't hang out with a little kid. Come on guys, let's get back to our Big Wheels. [they turn away.]
Blanket: We have arcade games inside. [Kyle and Cartman whip around. Moments later, the boys are in the house]
[The Jeffersons' house inside]
Blanket: Dad?
Stan: Whoa. Dude, no way!
Cartman: Oh my God, this is awesome! [runs up to a claw machine]
Stan: Dude, are these all your toys?
Blanket: No, this is all my dad's stuff. He loves toys and video games.
Kyle: Dude, he must be loaded! What does he do?
Blanket: He's retired now.
Cartman: [guiding the machine's arm to grab a plush toy] Oh my God, dude! Your dad must be the coolest guy in the world!
Blanket: Come on, my dad's probably out in the backyard. [guides the other three boys out]
[The backyard. The sliding door opens up to a small park, a Neverland, with a giraffe, small Ferris wheel, small carousel, and other things. The boys step through the doorway]
Cartman: Oh, kick ass! Dude, why isn't my house like this?!
Blanket: Dad? You out here?
Michael: Here I am, Blanket! [Blanket's dad, a spitting image of Michael Jackson, rides into view on a small train and waves. Every few seconds his moustache falls off and he has to put it back in place. He hops off the train and dances around] Heeee! [twirls, does a pelvic thrust while daintily touching his crotch] Jeh chabee durtah! [pulls up his pant legs a bit, kicks his right leg up, then whips his right arm out to full length. His moustache falls off and he resets it, thnn runs up to Blanket and picks him up] Blanket! Oh my beautiful blanket!
Kyle: [softly] What's wrong with his face?
Stan: [softly] Be cool, dude. I, I think maybe he's a burn victim or something.
Blanket: Guys, this is my dad. Michael Ja-
Michael: Jefferson! Michael ...Jefferson, yeh. Hey, you wanna play with me? [runs into the yard] Come on, let's climb the tree! [turns to a tree and scales it] Come on, climb the tree, climb the tree! [motions for the boys to join him. They oblige and join him up there]

Have you been up my... Wishing Tree? Tuh!
It's where I come to think and dream.
And now I'd like to show you my... Wishing Tree.
Jam on!
Where we can laugh and giggle and scream.
Hee hee!
Imagination is the key.

Kyle: Mr. Jefferson, your son can't get up.
Michael:

Won't you imagine along with me?

Kyle: Mr. Jefferson? [on the ground, Blanket can't even reach the bottom rung of the ladder]
Michael:

We can be spacemen,
or pirates on the sea
Chuckajamonah!
Yes we can do everything,
and I mean, everything!
Chuckajamonah!
Up in my Wishing Tree!
Hee hee! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

[Stark's Pond, day. A group of kids skate around lazily on its frozen surface. Stan and friends race over a rise towards the lake]
Stan: Hey, you guys! You guys! [the kids gather around] You gotta come with us over to the Jeffersons!
Red: The Jeffersons?
Cartman: [breathless] They're a new family that just moved to South Park! We met this kid named Blanket and he has the coolest dad in the world! [his chest heaves noticeably]
Kyle: Mr. Jefferson said we can invite all the kids in town to go play over at their house.
Cartman: They have like, video games and rides and a cotton-candy machine, oh, and, and in their back yard, guess what they have in their back yard?! Guess. A train.
Craig: [in a monotone voice] No way.
Cartman: Yeah way, Craig! And if you don't believe in Mr. Jefferson, then you can just not come!
Craig: [not wanting to be left out] I believe in Mr. Jefferson!
[The Jefferson house, arcade room. As the kids enjoy the toys and games found there, Jefferson swings above them on a spacious swing with Bebe on his lap]
Michael: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, look at us on the swing! We're swinging!
Blanket: Who wants the first cotton candy? [the kids around him begin to clamor for it]
Kids: Memememememememememe... [Blanket hands the first cotton-candy to Kyle]
Michael: Mememe! I'm first! I'm first! [Blanket steps away a bit astonished, but soon all the kids have cotton candy] Oooo, let's go ride the choo-choo train!
Cartman: Choo-choo train! Yay! [the kids begin to move towards the back yard. Blanket is left on the floor trying to stand and catch up to them.]
[The Jefferson back yard. The kids follow Jefferson to the train]
Michael: Let's ride the train! The train! [The kids climb on and the train begins to roll]

Would you like to ride the train with me,
and start a magical journey?

Cartman:

[pops up behind Jefferson] Yes I would, Mr. Jefferson. You're so awesome, Mr. Jefferson.

Michael: Cartman, you have a beautiful voice.
Cartman: Thank you Mr. Jefferson. So do you.
Michael:

[duet with Cartman] Let's ride and ride on the train together

Cartman:

...Train together

Michael:

On a journey through both of our minds.

Cartman:

...I've got time. Do youuu??

[back near the sliding door, Stan, Kyle and Kenny look on. Blanket stands next to them and Kyle notices Blanket's left leg]
Kyle: Dude, what happened to your knee?
Blanket: [his skinned knee is shown] I fell down.
Kyle: [calls out] Mr. Jefferson!
Michael: [back on the train] Choo-choo train, it's all fun and games.
Cartman: Choo-choo train.
Kyle: Mr- ! Goddammit. Here, come on. We need to clean that up. [takes Blanket inside]
[The bathroom. Kyle sits Blanket on the toilet and dresses the wound]
Kyle: Alright, this is gonna sting for a second. [dabs some alcohol onto a towel and presses the towel onto Blanket's knee, wiping off some dirt, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.]
Blanket: Ow!
Kyle: I know, I know. Be cool.
Blanket: Thank you. That already feels better.
Kyle: [wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel] So, dude, do you have any brothers or sisters?
Blanket: I have a half-brother and a half-sister. But they live with their mom now.
Kyle: [wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel] And where is your mom?
Blanket: I don't have a mom.
Kyle: You must have a mom. [wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel] You mean she doesn't live here, or she's dead, or what?
Blanket: No. I was made in a laboratory.
Kyle: What?
Blanket: My daddy wanted to have a baby, so he put me in a test tube. Then, they put me in a woman's tummy, and, when I was born, Daddy took me home.
Kyle: So you never met your mom?
Blanket: No... But I used to have a lot of bodyguards and nannies, if that counts.
Kyle: Yeah. Yeah, that counts.
[The neighborhood, some time later. The boys are walking home. Kyle seems concerned]
Cartman: Oh man, that was great! You guys know what Mr. Jefferson said? He said I'm his best friend, and I can go over to his house whenever I want! I'm supposed to go right back over there after dinner tonight!
Kyle: You guys, I feel kinda bad for that kid.
Cartman: You feel bad for him?! He has everything a kid could want!
Kyle: Mr. Jefferson just seems like he wants to be a kid, not have one.
Cartman: Oh, you know what?! This makes perfect sense! A guy moves into South Park with a FERRIS wheel in his back yard, and KYLE has to see a problem with it! [faces Kyle down] Mr. Jefferson is the best thing that's happened to this town in a long time, and if you miss this up, so help me god, I will rip your balls off with my bare hands! With my bare hands, Goddamn you! [turns and walks away angrily]
[Stan's house, afternoon. Stan enters the kitchen through the back door. Randy is at the breakfast nook reading a paper, Sharon puts a coffee pot onto the counter]
Randy: Well, there he is. Where have you been all afternoon.
Stan: I was over at the new neighbors, the Jeffersons.
Sharon: Oh, are they nice people?
Stan: Yeah. It's just a dad and his son.
Sharon: Well, we're supposed to have the Broflovskis and the Stotches over for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll invite Mr. Jefferson too.
[Stan's house, evening. The Marshes and their guests are seated at table for dinner. On the left are seated Sheila, Stephen, and Linda. On the right are seated Gerald, Mr. Jefferson, Sharon, and Randy is at the head of the table]
Gerald: So, Mr. Jefferson, did I hear you say you moved here from Kentucky?
Michael: Kentucky, yeah.
Randy: I heard people saying you all were from Illinois.
Michael: No, the- they're ignorant. That's ignorant.
Stephen: What kind of work do you do, Mr. Jefferson?
Michael: Oh I'm retired now, but, I was in... pharmaceuticals
Sheila: Well our boys have really taken a liking to you. You seem to really have a way with them.
Michael: I just id- identify so much with children. Their innocence, their beauty. I think that God is in the face of every child.
Randy: ....Yeeeah.
Sharon: ...They are fun. [glances back, away from the table] Boys, you okay out there?
[The living room. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket are seated on the sofa, eating]
Stan: Fine, Mom.
Blanket: Wow, these are great. What are they called again?
Kyle: They're TV dinners. Don't you wanna take that veil off so you can eat?
Blanket: Nah, I'm not supposed to. Dad says I have to keep my face hidden. [the doorbell rings. Stan goes to answer the front door and sees Cartman]
Cartman: What the hell is going on?! Are you having Mr. Jefferson over for dinner?!
Stan: No, my parents are.
Cartman: You guys better not be trying to Bogart my friend away!
Stan: What?
Cartman: He is my friend, got it?! I was friends with him before you assholes were, [Stan steps back...] and I hoowi- [...and closes the door. Stan walks away and Cartman looks through a window] Stan! Stan, I'm seriously! You'd better not be talking bad about me in there to Mr. Jefferson!
[The dining table]
Gerald: Hey, you know Kobe Bryant was up in Eagle today.
Randy: Oh yeah? What do you think, Mr. Jefferson? Do you think Kobe's guilty or innocent?
Michael: [taken aback] D'huh?
Stephen: I think he's definitely going to jail. I just love seeing smug celebrities get their comeuppance.
Michael: I think it's wrong what the police do to wealthy black men.
Gerald: Oh come on, Mr. Jefferson, you're not one of those who think that the police go around framing rich black people just because they're jealous?
Michael: Yeah! Because their hearts are full of greed and they have... doo-doo in their souls.
[Park County Police Station. Inside Harris waits for a fax to finish printing. As another officer walks by with a cup of coffee, he takes a sheet from the machine]
Harris: Hey Sergeant, take a look at this.
Yates: [disregards the sheet] Whatcha got?
Harris: Looks like a new family has just moved into South Park. One Mr. Jefferson, age 50, bought a house there and paid cash. He seems to have a lot of money.
Yates: So, what's the problem?
Harris: Take a look. Says here... [the sergeant takes the sheet and reviews it] He's black.
Yates: By God, so he is. Black and rich. Time to take this Mr. Jefferson down, just like we did Kobe. [hands the sheet and the cup of coffee to the officer and address the department] Let's go people! [turns, takes his coat from the coat rack and puts it on] We've got another rich black guy. I want him humiliated and dragged through the dirt, and I want it done by the books!
[Stan's house, night. Stan is asleep in his room when someone pounds at his window. Stan wakes up, then goes to the window]
Stan: [looks out] Kyle? [opens the window. Michael, dressed as Peter Pan, crawls up and in]
Michael: Hey, Stan, whatcha doin'? [dances a little]
Stan: Mr. Jefferson- Awww! [hops off the bed] It's 1:30 in the morning!
Michael:

Look at me, I'm Peter Pan. [draws his small sword and swings it. His mustache falls off] T-shamon!

I'm a little boy forever. [raises himself up on his tippy-toes] Hey!

Stan: Mr. Jefferson, I have to go to school tomorrow!
Cartman: [appears at the window and climbs in as Jefferson shows off some fencing moves] Oh, son of a bitch! I knew it! What the hell are you doing, Stan?! I'll tell you what you're doing! You're trying to steal MY best friend!
Stan: He just showed up here.
Cartman: Remember, Mr. Jefferson? You said we were best friends. [a knock is heard at Stan's door]
Stan: Jesus Christ! [goes to the door and finds Kyle and Blanket in the hallway]
Kyle: Dude, look who I found prowling around in my back yard.
Blanket: [wearing his veil] Hi, Stan.
Kyle: He was out all alone in the middle of the night. Mr. Jefferson isn't even home.
Stan: I know. He's here.
Kyle: What?!
Michael: Oh Kyle, Blanket, yay, it's a slumber party!
Stan: No! Mr. Jefferson, you need to take your son home.
Michael: We can't go home. There's a ghost in our house. Me and Blanket are scared.
Blanket: Dad says it wants to eat us.
Michael: Please don't make us go back home. Please! We're scared, we're scared!
Blanket: We're scared!
Mr. Jefferson: Hee hee!
Stan: Okay, fine, we'll all stay here, but we're going to sleep now!
Kyle: Come on, Blanket. [takes Blanket to bed. Stan follows them and all three slide into place]
Michael:

[slides in next to Stan] Now let's all sleep and dream
Heehee!
of fun and adventurous things
shamonah!
It's time for us all to say goodnight

Cartman: [squeezes in between Stan and Mr. Jefferson] Deeper. [turns to Mr. Jefferson and hugs him. Stan rolls his eyes and looks at Cartman again, then closes his eyes and begins to dream...] Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome.
Michael: I think you're awesome too, Cartman. [they get closer and closer to each other]
Cartman: Yeah?
Michael: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah?
Michael: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah? [they're about to kiss, and Stan wakes up startled]
Stan: Haaa! [looks over to his right and sees them both asleep]
Michael: [wakes up] What's the matter, Stan? Did you have a bad dream?
Stan: Yeah. A really bad dream. [shuts his eyes and sinks down into his bed] Oh Jesus!
[The Jefferson house. An unmarked police car, blue in color, waits across the street. Harris sips on a soda]
Yates: [using his walkie-talkie] Murphy, you inside?
Murphy: [walking through the arcade room] We're inside, sir. Harris was right. This guy looks like he has more money than all of us put together. Black sonofabitch! [whips out a package of something white] I'm planting the cocaine now. [sets it under the toy machine Cartman was using earlier]
Yates: Johnson, what about you?
Johnson: [in a closet] Placing the blood spatter now, sir. [right on a pair of Jefferson's shoes]
Yates: Frakes?
Frakes: Placing pubic hair from the raped girl now, sir.
Yates: All right, when this Jefferson guy shows up, arrest him fast and try not to beat him. There could be neighbors with video cameras. [sighs] Why do we do it, Harris?
Harris: Sir?
Yates: Why is it that us policemen around the country have such a passion for framing wealthy African-Americans with crimes they didn't commit?
Harris: Oh, why? I guess I never thought about why, sir. We just do it.
Yates: Twenty-five years I've been on the force. I've seen every kind of sick, depraved act known to humanity and still, when I see a black man walk by who has more money than me, I... want to vomit my gizzards right in the gutter. But why? Maybe there is no reason. Maybe there's just a big blue ball out there that's mostly covered with water and we're just goin' along for the ride.
[Stan's house, morning. Someone knocks on Stan's door.]
Randy: Stan, time to get up for school. [opens the door and looks in] Stan? What the-? [sees the five people in bed] Mr. Jefferson?!
Michael: [sits up quickly] Oh oh, we were just having a slumber party. [the boys sit up and look at Randy]
Randy: Mr. Jefferson, this is highly inappropriate!
Michael: Inappropriate? No, you're being ignorant. They're my friends. You see, I- I didn't have a childhood, so I'm really just a child myself. [whips out some bills from a back pocket and approaches Randy and Sharon] Here, everything's okay. I want you each to have a hundred dollars. [gives each of them a C note]
Randy: Wow, I'm gonna go buy that new sport coat I've been wanting. [leaves, and Sharon watches him go]
Michael: Come on, Blanket. We have to go home and feed the animals. Bye, friends. [quickly leaves with Blanket in tow]
Sharon: Boys, I do not want you going over to Mr. Jefferson's anymore. Do you understand?
Stan: You don't have to tell us twice, Mom. That guy's a freak!
Cartman: Not go to Mr. Jefferson's anymore? Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck my fat, hairy balls! [Stan, Kyle, and Sharon are shocked]
[The stakeout at Jefferson house, day. The two officers are snoring, but Yates is roused by the sound of a voice]
Michael: Come on, Blanket!
Yates: Hey Har- Har- Harris! Harris!
Harris: [walks] Wha- wha- what?
Yates: It's Jefferson! He's back! [gets on his communicator] All right, people. Let's give Blacky a nice welcome home. [he and Harris whip out firearms and aim. Mr. Jefferson opens the front door and goes back to the front lawn to retrieve his wooden sword] Whoa, wait a minute! [withdraws his gun] That guy isn't black! [Blanket heads down the steps, and Mr. Jefferson takes him inside] Holy God, his son isn't black either! Oh Jesus! [gets on his communicator] This is Yates! Stand down! I repeat, stand down! Suspect is not black! [scolds Harris] You son of a bitch, you told my this guy was African-American!
Harris: It says right here on the final sheet he is!
Yates: [shoves Harris's face against the windshield] Does that look like a black guy to you?!
Harris: It said on the final sheet!
Yates: [throws a fit] Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! We could have made an innocent man go to jail who wasn't black! Oh! [grabs his own neck, then quickly opens his door and vomits onto the street] Wuuugh! Wuugh! Ohaugh. Ugh. [wipes his lips clean with the back of his hand and now looks exhausted] Jesus, Harris. What are we becoming? We're supposed to... protect the people. Where have we lost our way?
Harris: Sir, it's possible that he is black, even though he doesn't look it.
Yates: [whips around and says menacingly] To hell with you! I'm never gonna frame an innocent man again! Unless I know he's black for sure!
[Inside the house, Mr. Jefferson closes all the windows and curtains]
Michael: All the adults are trying to get us. Get up to your room, Blanket, and put your mask on! We can't go outside anymore! [moments later, Blanket is in his room looking outside. Across the street, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk by. Kyle looks up and notices Blanket looking bored.]
Kyle: [stops] That poor kid.
Stan: Dude, come on. We're not supposed to go over there. [Kyle crosses the street anyway and Kenny shrugs. Stan and Kenny follow]
Blanket: [opens his windows as they approach] Hi guys!
Kyle: Hey Blanket. Uh, look, we're goin' over to help my dad chop wood. You... wanna come with?
Blanket: Really? You mean it?
Michael: [interrupts, clapping] Oh yay, my friends are here! Come inside and play, guys!
Stan: Ah, actually, Mr. Jefferson, we were seeing if Blanket wanted to chop wood with us.
Michael: Chop wood? No, that's ignorant. That's poopie work. Blanket and me wanna play!
Stan: Mr. Jefferson, uh, it might be good for Blanket to learn how to chop wood.
Michael: Blanket likes to play, don't you Blanket? [picks him up and moves him around through the open window] Wee, look! He can fly!
Kyle: [the boys fear for Blanket's life] Jesus Christ, dude!
Blanket: Aaaaaah! [Mr. Jefferson dangles him around by his left foot]
Stan: Stop, you fucking lunatic! [Mr. Jefferson's moustache falls off and down to the ground, he pulls Blanket back inside and closes the window]
Kyle: Dude, we have got to get that kid away from him!
[Blanket's room. He's crying on a giant plush teddy bear. Mr. Jefferson tries to soothe him]
Michael: No, Blanket, shhhh. Stop crying. It's okay, Blanket. Here, look. [spins around and does a pelvic thrust] Jeekabee durtah! [a kick and outstretched arm] Ow! [Blanket returns to crying into his teddy bear, Mr. Jefferson goes to soothe him again] There, Blanket, shhhh. [tries to distract Blanket] Hey, hey look, hey look. [touches Blanket's nose and has his thumb pop out between index and middle finger] I got your nose. [does it again.] Look! Lookit, I got your nose. I got your nose, Blanket. See? [Does it again, and Blanket is quiet. He then smiles and grabs at his father's nose, giggling... and finds it in his hand]
Blanket: Aaaaaaaah! [throws it away and runs out of his bedroom]
Michael: No, Blanket, stop! [picks up his nose, puts it back in place, and pursues Blanket] It's ignorant. You're being ignorant!
[Yates' house, later. He enters. A woman appears moments later.]
Maggie: Harrison, why haven't you called? You know how I worry.
Yates: I'm givin' up, Maggie. I'm quitting the force. [removes his jacket, and places it on a coat rack, then walks to a desk]
Maggie: Quitting the force? You?
Yates: None of it makes sense anymore. [sits down and unloads his frustrations] I don't even know if what we're doing is right. The last thirteen hours we've been working on a case, trying to get a real scumbag off the streets. And when he walked up to the door, I could have sworn he was white. Maybe I can't tell the difference anymore. Maybe it doesn't matter. Because it seems like every time we frame a rich black guy, he's back out on the streets in no time. It's just like OJ. Do you know how hard those cops worked to frame him? The tireless hours they put in?! And then he just gets off because somebody messed up and said the N word out loud too many times. I guess I'm just tired. I'm just damn tired.
Maggie: [approaches and consoles him] Not another word of that kind of talk, Harrison Yates. [he looks up at her] Believe me I would love nothin' more than to have you quit the force and no longer have to worry about whether or not you're comin' home. But I know you. Framin' rich black men for crimes they didn't commit is in your blood. Wiping that rich, smug smile off their faces is the only thing that puts a smile on yours. You're a good cop, Harrison Yates. You don't have to question that. Because I'm here to tell you. [she caresses him, he kisses her hand]
Yates: And you're a good wife, Maggie. You know me better than I know myself. [abruptly rises and goes to the coat rack]
Maggie: Where're you goin'?
Yates: Think I've got a little more work to do. [puts on his coat and heads outside]
[The Jefferson house, night. Cartman walks up to the door and knocks]
Cartman: Mr. Jefferson? It's your best friend in the whole wide world, Eric Cartman. Mr. Jefferson? I came to sleep over tonight, remember?
[Mr. Jefferson room. He's on the phone with someone.]
Michael: No, Dr. Nelson, I'm telling you, you have to fly out here right now! My nose came off again! [tosses his nose away, puts more lipstick on his lips] I know you live in California; I'll pay for your plane ticket! [pulls at his hair, and some of it comes off] But I'm falling apart! I need some more of that cream and the injections! I have to look young again! [picks up a stylus and pokes his lips, which pop and let fly some collagen. The skin on his lower jaw drops down and reveals some teeth.] Oh, I'm melting!
[The Jefferson house, outside. A ladder is propped up against the side of the house. Kyle, Stan, and another boy approach. The boy wears the same mask Blanket usually does.]
Kyle: All right. Thanks a lot for helping us, dude.
Kenny: Yeah, sure, whatever. [a quick glance at his hair as he faces the camera confirms that this is Kenny]
Stan: You just gotta pretend you're Blanket until we can get the real Blanket somewhere safe.
Kenny: Aren't I too big to be Blanket?
Kyle: [seething as he climbs the ladder] I don't think Mr. Jefferson pays enough attention to his son to notice. Come on! [Stan and Kenny follow]
[Blanket's bedroom. Blanket silently cries and the door creaks open]
Stan: Blanket, you in here?
Blanket: [excited] Hi guys! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny spread out and hop onto Blanket's bed]
Kyle: Shh, Blanket, we're gonna take you away for a little while, okay? [Kenny looks around]
Blanket: You are? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! [Kyle whisks Blanket away, Stan motions Kenny into place.]
Stan: All right dude, get in his bed.
Kenny: [gets under the covers] All right, but you guys owe me for this.
Stan: Dude, whatever. At least you finally get to do something. [hops off and leaves]
[Santa Barbara Police Department, Snetzl's desk. His phone rings and he picks up]
Snetzl: Santa Barbara Police Department, this is Snetzl.
[Park County Police Department, Yates' desk.]
Yates: Hello, this is Sergeant Yates over at the Park County Police Department in Colorado.
Snetzl: Yes, sergeant. What can I do for you?
Yates: Well, we've been trying to frame this guy who just moved into our town, and the fil-o-fax says he moved from your area. One Martin Jefferson?
Snetzl: Hm. No, we never had a any rich African-Americans named Jefferson here. If we had, we would have framed him ourselves.
Yates: Well, he doesn't really look that black.
Snetzl: Yeah, I don't, uh... Hold on a second. There was one we framed a couple of times, but the black bastard was so rich he made bail and disappeared before the trial.
Yates: You say he disappeared? What did you frame him for?
Snetzl: We, uhhh, found some kids that had stayed over at his place, and we asked them to lie and make up some false molestation charges.
Yates: Molestation, nice.
Snetzl: Yeah, it was a lot of work. Took years, but we were finally able to arrest him. Then we planted some evidence, took embarassing photos of his penis, and threw him in a dirty prison cell with doodie feces on the walls. You should have seen him squirm!
Yates: That's damn fine police work, sergeant. Damn fine.
Snetzl: Heh, yeah, but the point is this guy didn't really look black either. We had to sneak in while he was asleep and get a DNA sample to be sure.
Yates: [rises from his chair. Other officers draw near] Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! It must be the same guy!
[The Jefferson house. Cartman knocks on the front door again]
Cartman: Mr. Jefferson, hello?!
[The bathroom. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket prepare a carry-on bag.]
Kyle: Come on, Blanket! We gotta go before your dad sees us. [they turn towards the window next to the tub and head to it. Michael appears behind them]
Michael: What are you doing with my Blanket? [the boys freeze. Kyle turns around and sees a disjointed, disheveled Jefferson in a Thriller outfit. The camera does a vertigo effect. Michael walks up to the boys.] Come on, Blanket, play with me. Jeechabee durtah! Hee! [an outstretched arm]
Stan, Kyle, Blanket: Haaaaa!
Stan: Go, go, ruuun! [the boys run out of the bathroom]
Mr. Jefferson: [whispers as he walks] Sutah!
[The Hallway. The boys run towards the stairs]
Stan, Kyle, Blanket: Haaaaa!
Michael: [rounds a corner onto the hallway] Wuchatennah! Jamonah! Heehee!
Stan: [The boys enter Blanket's room] Oh Jesus!
Kenny: What the hell is going on, you guys?
Michael: [enters and heads for Blanket's bed] My Blanket! Let's play, Blanket! [pulls Kenny out of the bed]
Kenny: Nonono wait, I'm not Blanket!
Michael: [tossing Kenny up into the air] Wee, he can fly! He can fly!
Kenny: Aaaah! Aaaah, stop! A- [his head goes through the ceiling and blood runs down his body. It begins to drip from his feet]
Stan: Oh my God, he killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard! [Michael turns around and sees the boys]
Michael: Blanket? Blanket! Come play! [slowly approaches the boys]
Blanket: Nooo! [Stan turns to leave]
Kyle: [grabs Blanket's hand and leaves as well] Come on!
[The Jefferson house, front lawn. Kyle opens the front door and the boys exit]
Stan: Run, Blanket, Run!
Blanket: [stumbles] Ah!
Michael: [exits] Dainduh! Dainduh Dainduh!
Kyle: [he and Stan help Blanket up] Hang on, Blanket! [the three run off and a floodlight turns on, blinding Michael]
Mr. Jefferson: [shielding his eyes] Dugh! Heehee! Ja-!
Yates: [through his bullhorn] Freeze, Jefferson! The gig is up! You are wanted for child mo-les-tation!
Cartman: [hops to Mr. Jefferson's defense, standing in front of him] No! I am sick and tired of people harassing Mr. Jefferson! [a crowd, including the boys' parents, gathers] All I've been hearing since Mr. Jefferson moved here are sick lies! That he molests children, that he's a bad father, that he has plastic surgery!
Michael: It's ignorant. [his lower jaw literally drops to the ground. He bends down, picks it up, and pops it back in place]
Cartman: Sure, maybe Mr. Jefferson's a little different. But that's because he had to work all the time when he was young and missed out on his childhood. What's wrong with wanting to have the innocence and beauty of a child.
Kyle: [returns with Blanket] All right, let's just say all the bad things said about Mr. Jefferson are lies! Let's say the police department does just go around spending their time framing people for crimes they didn't commit! [a shot of Yates, Harris, and other officers] Let's say it's all made up, and Mr. Jefferson is just a nice guy who's trying to be a child because he never got to have a childhood. Well that's fine, except for that he HAS children now! And when people have children, they have to grow up!
Michael: [closeup for a few seconds] You're right. I've been so obsessed with my childhood that I've forgotten about his. I thought having lots of rides and toys was enough, but... Blanket doesn't need a playmate. He needs a father, and a normal life. Chickuckoo gainuh. [genuflects behind Blanket] Blanket, I wanna give away all my money. I- I wanna get a normal job and... take a shot at raising you in a normal setting. [removes the ornate mask, and Blanket blinks while shielding his eyes. Blanket moves over to his friends]
Blanket: Look everybody! I'm a normal little boy.
Yates: [approaches with Harris] Well, if you're gonna give away all your money, then, I guess we can drop all those charges. No point in putting another poor black man in jail.
Kyle: All right! Things just might work out!
Michael:

Things can always work out, as long as we know we have the power to change.
[music begins to play as the neighbors and officers gather round him]
We all have the power to change if we search inside our hearts'
And we start to heal the wounds of all our yesterdays
And you know it might be hard, but all you've got to do is start,
And you can change all of your evil molesting ways.
Jejabee durtah! Hee-hee! OOOOH! Jejabee durtah! Hee-hee! Jamonah! butcha-tamonah! Chich-cha!

[End of The Jeffersons.]



  807: "The Jeffersons" edit
Story Elements

Michael JeffersonBlanket Jefferson • "Let's Ride the Train" • "My Wishing Tree"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Eighth Season

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