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The Hobbit/Script

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Annie Nelson
  • Bebe Stevens
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Craig Tucker
  • Heidi Turner
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Lisa Berger
  • Lola
  • Nicole
  • Red
  • Token Black
  • Tweek Tweak
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Tom and Tammy Thompson
  • Rick, field reporter
  • Kanye West
  • Coach
  • Pope Francis
  • Person Of The Year Host
  • Announcer

Script

[South Park Elementary Gym, day. The cheerleaders are at practice]
Cheerleaders:

Yeah yeah, do we rock?!
Yeah yeah, take it to the top!
Yeah yeah, are we gonna stop?!
No way! No way!

Wendy: Cheer Squad roll call! [each cheerleader steps forward, announces her name, and steps back]
Heidi: Heidi!
Nicole: Nicole!
Bebe: Bebe!
Lola: Lola!
Red: Red!
Annie: Annie!
Lisa: [slowly steps forward and speaks slowly] Lisa Berger. [this brings down the other cheerleaders]
Annie: Oh God.
Red: Here we go.
Nicole: Ugh.
Bebe: Can we maybe try one without Lisa Berger?
Wendy: You guys stop it! Okay Lisa, that's great. But you need to have more confidence, okay?
Lisa: But I'm the fat one.
Wendy: What?
Lisa: Every cheerleading squad has a fat ugly cheerleader and that's me.
Wendy: See, that's the problem, Lisa. You have a bad self-image. Just project all your sassiness to all the boys out there, okay?
Heidi: There's only one boy that Lisa cares about.
Red: Yeah, Lisa has a crush on Butters.
Lisa: Shut up!
Wendy: But Lisa, that's great! Have you told Butters that you like him?
Lisa: No way. I I'd just get made fun of.
Wendy: Lisa, this is exactly what you need! Take Butters to see a movie or something! It'll do wonders for your confidence!
  [The cafeteria, later. Kenny, Cartman, Tweek, Craig, Clyde, and Butters are seated at table, with Butters recounting something]
Butters: So then, ah, the fella with the mustache eats all the cupcakes, and the lady takes out a gun and puts it in his face and she says "I"-
Lisa: Uh, excuse me. Butters?
Butters: [confused for a moment, then looks over his left shoulder] Oh. Yes?
Lisa: Um, well, I was just wondering if... [strokes her hair] maybe... [brings her arm down] you would like to go to a movie this weekend.
Butters: Oh. Oh like a date? Oh no thanks, Lisa. I really appreciate the offer, but you're too fat for me.
Lisa: [casts her eyes down] Okay, thanks.
Butters: See ya, Lisa! [Esther overhears the conversation from the next table and looks over her shoulder at Butters]
Craig: Haha, Butters got asked out by a fat girl.
Clyde: At least she didn't try to sit on him. [the other boys at the table laugh, except Cartman]
Cartman: You guys, come on. That's not kewl. You shouldn't rip on her because she's fat. You should rip on her 'cause she's ugly. Okay? She looks like someone hit her in the face with a hot shovel, and that's why she sucks, alright?
  [The hallway, later. Butters is at his locker]
Butters:

Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-da, doo-da. 
[Wendy comes to view at the end of the hall and spots him, then walks up to him]
Camptown racetrack's five miles long Oh, de doo-da day.
Oh-

Wendy: [grabs his locker door and slams it shut] What the fuck is your problem?!
Butters: Oh. Hey Wendy.
Wendy: Are you just an asshole?! Is that it?!
Butters: Am I just an asshole?
Wendy: Yeah!
Butters: Well, m-no. I've got arms and legs; I've got everything.
Wendy: Lisa Berger asked you out and you called her fat?! Do you have any idea how you made her feel?! She's a really nice girl!
Butters: Ah I think she's a nice girl too. She's just too big for me.
Wendy: She's a little overweight, but that's pretty normal for a girl in the fourth grade!
Butters: Well Kim Kardashian is skinny and she just had a baby!
Wendy: What?!
Butters: I'm sorry, Wendy, but I have a different standard when it comes to my women. [opens his locker again. On the door are several pinup posters of Kim Kardashian] I want a woman who takes care of herself and knows how to look good, who's got perfect skin and no splotches on her legs, and perfect everything.
Wendy: [grabs the poster] This is a fantasy, you moron! You ever heard of Photoshop?! Kim Kardashian is a short, overweight woman who manipulates her image and makes average girls feel horrible about themselves!
Butters: You're a liar!
Wendy: Look it up, stupid! [crushes the poster into a wad] In real life, Kim Kardashian has the body of a hobbit! [throws the wadded-up poster to the floor and walks away. As Butters reaches for the poster, Wendy turns around] You're gonna be in real trouble when the teachers find out what you said to that poor girl! [turns around and goes around the corner. Butters unwads the poster]
  [Mr. Mackey's office, later. Butters is in there with Mr. Mackey, crying. Wendy walks in a few seconds later]
Mr. Mackey: Uh, take a seat, Wendy. I guess some mean things were said and I need to get to the bottom of it.
Wendy: [noticing Butters] Oh good. Lisa Berger told on you? Good!
Mr. Mackey: Uh, no Wendy, apparently, you called Butters' girlfriend a hobbit.
Wendy: ...Are you serious?
Butters: You did! You said Kim was short, fat, and hairy with big feet and she's a hobbit!
Wendy: That's not his girlfriend! It's Kim Kardashian!
Mr. Mackey: Uh but, but Wendy, Kim Kardashian is considered to be extremely beautiful, mkay?
Wendy: Right, but she's not, in real life. She's a hobbit.
Butters: Oh, she said it again!
Mr. Mackey: Now, Wendy, Kim might be uh, full-figured, but a woman's outward appearance isn't all that matters, mkay?! Have you stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, you're jel?
Wendy: I'm not "jel", and I happen to be the biggest feminist at this school!
Mr. Mackey: Uh that may be true, but there is a very fine line, Wendy, between being a feminist and being a hater, mkay? And you're gonna have to find that line because nobody likes a girl who's jelly!
  [Room 7, later. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison stands before the class]
Mr. Garrison: Okay kids, there have been some hurtful and hateful things being said around this school, and so we are gonna hear from a guest speaker. Here to explain why Kim Kardashian is not a hobbit, please welcome, Aquaman. [goes to his desk as Kanye West enters the room. The class claps]
Kanye: Uh-huh. Uh-huh, that's right
Cartman: [recognizing him] Uh oh.
Kanye: [enunciating] Okay, first of all, I am NOT Aquaman, I am a recovering... gay fish. Yes, I have met Aquaman. I have hung out with Aquaman. But the only thing I have in common with Aquaman anymore is my love for the sea. [adjusting his pants] Now! [clears his throat] There have been malicious rumors, started at this elementary school, that my beautiful fiancée is a hobbit. That is not funny, and it is not true. [Wendy's eyes are glazing over] Alright?! Yes, Kim is heavier than most of her pictures show her to be. Yes, she gets her hair lasered off her body. Yes, she has a friend named Gandalf who happens to be a wizard. [finds himself trapped by that last statement, and backs up] I'm sorry, excuse me a minute. [calls Kim up and turns his back on the class...] Bitch, how are you not a hobbit again? Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah right. Right right right right right, yeah. Okay. Yep. Yep. Let me get- okay. Yep, I got it. Okay, love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and turns to the class.] Okay, if my fiancée Kim… is… a hobbit, then how come… it uh how c- then, okay, if she's a hobbit, then how come she don't live in a hole in the ground? BOOOOOOM! All y'all just got lit up, cuz! She don't live in no hole in the ground, she lives in a big-ass mansion, with me, in her room, that is slightly below ground! So, you can… She, she is sexy, and womanly, and she smokes a pipe. She can blow them rings that go up over her head, and… Hold up.[calls Kim up again and turns his back on the class...] Bitch, you not a hobbit, right? ... No, I know, you just, you smoke that long pipe sometimes when you sit by the fire... Oh it's a- Oh, okay. Got it, got it- What do you call it? Yep. Yep, got it. Okay. Yep, love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and turns to the class.] That is not a hobbit pipe, for your information! It is a personal oral humidifier to keep all the wrinkles around her mouth from showin'. So haha, all you haters, HA!
[South Park Elementary, day. Butters walks down the hall when the computer lab door opens and Wendy peeks out]
Wendy: Butters. Butters, come here for a sec.
Butters: Oh no you don't, Wendy! You're not trappin' me inside the computer lab to beat me up!
Wendy: Butters, will you please let me show you something so we can put this behind us?
Butters: Well alright, but if you try to punch me, I'll scream! [she goes back inside, and Butters follows her in]
Wendy: I want you to see just how easy this is so we can better understand each other. This is Lisa Berger's class photo, right?
Butters: Okay.
Wendy: Now, first thing we do is Photoshop the bulges on her sides [she trims them down a bit]. We select the eyes [makes the glasses more rectangular and shorter, and adds eye makeup], make them a nicer shape, take off any blemishes on the skin [the freckles go], lengthen the neck [moves the head up], add more to the hair [gives Lisa longer, wavy hair], select the lips and make them fuller [removes the harelip], take out any puffiness on the skin [reduces the cheeks] here, add fullness to the breasts, lengthen the torso, take away that fold of skin [this gives Lisa hips], streamline the shoulders [making the arms thinner in the process], put highlights in the eyes [gives her a nose], and, there.
Butters: That's Lisa Berger?
Wendy: Do you see what I'm talking about?
Butters: She's pretty!
Wendy: That's how people like Kim Kardashian destroy the self-mage of little girls everywhere.
Butters: Hold on. Are you saying that girl wants to go out with me?
Wendy: What? What do you mean?
Butters: And I said no? Oh man, I gotta upload this [sends it off] and then go buy her some flowers and then go tell her I love her. [runs out of the lab]
Wendy: Butters!
  [South Park Elementary, afternoon. Cartman is at his locker. Butters walks into view carrying flowers and a gift.]
Butters: Lisa? Lisa Berger? Anybody seen Lisa Berger? [walks over to Cartman] Oh hey, Eric. Have you seen Lisa Berger anywhere?
Cartman: I saw that picture of her you put on the Internet.
Butters: II know! I'm gonna tell her I love her, and we're gonna be together and be happy forever.
Cartman: Uh, Butters, I don't know how to tell you this, but, Lisa Berger is going out with Clyde.
Butters: What?! Well since when?
Cartman: Dude, since like, noon or 12:30 today. [next shot is of Clyde walking down the hall with Lisa on his arm as he looks at his phone's screen. Everyone turns and stares at the new couple. They stop at Token at his locker]
Clyde: Hey Token. Token, check out my girlfriend. [shows him the Photoshopped picture instead of the real deal]
Token: Wow, she's hot.
Clyde: Yeah, we just started dating seriously. [walks over to Tweek at his locker] You wanna meet my new girlfriend, Tweek?
Tweek: Oh man, you're a lucky guy.
Clyde: Yeah, I know. [walks off. Tweek turns back to his locker. The couple walks by Craig, Kevin, and two other boys]
Craig: Hey Clyde. Nice score, dude.
Other boys: Yeah.
Clyde: Oh, thanks, guys. [they walk by Wendy, who's speechless]
Jimmy: [walks up to Stan] Hey Stan, did you see Clyde's going out with Lisa B-b-Berger?
Stan: Yeah dude, she looks amazing. Clyde sent me her pics. [Wendy walks up to them, mad] She got really hot all of a sudden.
Jimmy: Yeah. I wouldn't mind t-tah-t-tappin' that ass.
Wendy: Excuse me!
Stan: Oh, hey Wendy. Clyde sent me these. Don't be jel.
Wendy: Why would I be jel?
Jimmy: Well, y-you gotta admit, Lisa Berger is pretty hot, Wendy.
Wendy: She's not hot! That's supposed to be the point!
Stan: She looks pretty hot here.
Wendy: Lisa Berger is NOT HOT! She's fat and ugly! [just then, Lisa and Clyde walk past her, but she doesn't see this. Jimmy does, though.]
Clyde: That's not very nice, Wendy.
Lisa: What's your problem, Wendy?
Wendy: [looks and quickly assesses the situation] I'm sorry. It's nothing personal, Lisa.
Lisa: You're just a hater. Why don't you mind your own business instead of being jelly?
Wendy: I am not jelly! I made that picture of you to prove a point, and it's being taken the wrong way!
Clyde: It's okay, babe. Girls who don't have what you have are always going to put you down. [walks off with Lisa]
Lisa: Thanks, babe.
  [Mr. Mackey's office. Wendy is back in there, heh]
Mr. Mackey: Now Wendy, I've tried to be patient with you 'cause you've always been a good student! M'kay?! But calling a little girl fat and ugly is NEVER m'kay!
Wendy: Mr. Mackey, I was trying to show kids that-
Mr. Mackey: No! No excuses! You have a problem bein' jelly, Wendy! Okay?! Just maybe, I should have you sent off to jelly school!
Wendy: Jelly school?
Mr. Mackey: That's right! In fact, I'm gonna call the jelly school right now, okay?! [picks up the receiver and starts pressing keys on the keypad] I'm sorry about this, but it's gone too far! I've had it![puts the receiver up to his ear] Hello, is this the jelly school?! ... Okay, I have a girl here who's extremely jelly! Uh, see if you can take her in for a few weeks! Okay, you're full? Okay, yeah, I guess she dodged a bullet this time, but she'd better watch her jelly behavior!
Wendy: Mr. Mackey, I appreciate the point you're trying to make.
Mr. Mackey: Yuh, you do? Okay, well I'm not actually on the phone with a... jelly school, Wendy, okay?
Wendy: Yes, I'm... I'm a few steps ahead of that, yes.
Mr. Mackey: Okay, well Wendy, I'm just tryin' to uh- Oh, bye, jelly school. [hangs up the phone] Uh, Wendy, I'm just tryin' to make you understand how serious it is when you lash out at other girls.
Wendy: Thank you, Mr. Mackey, I will... change.
Mr. Mackey: M-okay.
  [Time Magazine Person Of The Year Award presentation. A man announces the award, a woman holds it up]
Host: Ladies and Gentlemen, it my my honor to give the Person of the Year award to this year's winner, Pope Francis. [fanfare plays as the pope comes out from the audience and goes on stage. He takes the mic]
Pope Francis: Gracias, gracias, all of my children.
Kanye: [rushes up and takes the mic from the pope] Alright hold up! Hold up! I'm sorry pope, but hold up! I just gotta say this! If my fiancée is a hobbit, then uh, [turns away and calls Kim up]Then what, bitch? Okay, yeah yeah [turns back to the audience] Okay, if she... was... if she is a hobbit, then, how come she don't turn blue when goblins are near? [jumps] Oh, you didn't think of that! Oh, I guess she's not a hobbit then! She must be a beautiful, sexy woman!
Pope Francis: [grabs the mic for a moment and enunciates] The hobbit doesn't turn blue around goblins, just his sword does.
Kanye: Man, get the fuck out of here, you hobbit trivia bitch! [shoves the pope away, and the pope leaves] Who the fuck asked you?! [turns to the audience again] Nobody is talkin' any more shit about my woman! Alright?! She is gorgeous! If she was here, you could all see for yourselves how beautiful she is! But she can't be here because she has a movie comin' out on Friday, directed by Peter Jackson, called The Hobbit! Hold up. [turns away and calls Kim up] Bitch, that movie you got comin' out is called The Hobbit? ... Yeah, but it- ... What? It's what? Ohhh yeah. Yup. Yeah, I got it. Yup. Yup. Lemme tell them. Love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and turns to the audience.] Kim is not even in that movie! That movie is just loosely based on her television show, Keepin' Up With The Kardashians, which is a show about short, loud, little people living in a fantasy world! Hold. Up![turns away and calls Kim up] Bitch, if you're the hobbit, you need to let me know right now, 'cause I'm makin' a fool of myself out here!
  [South Park Elementary Gym, day. The cheerleaders are performing during a game break]
Cheerleaders:

Yeah yeah, do we rock?!
Yeah yeah, take it to the top!
Yeah yeah, are we gonna stop?!
No way! No way!

Wendy: Cheer Squad roll call! [each cheerleader steps forward, announces her name, and steps back]
Heidi: Heidi!
Nicole: Nicole!
Bebe: Bebe!
Lola: Lola!
Red: Red!
Annie: Annie!
Lisa: Lisa Berger! [the kids all cheer]
Wendy: And I'm your captain, Wendy! [silence. One kindergartner comes out of the bleachers with a picture of Lisa and has Lisa sign it. More cheers, and Lisa waves at the audience]
  [South Park Elementary Gym, after the game. Wendy is upset that she got no cheers from the audience]
Red: Look, Wendy, we are all very happy for Lisa, okay? Nobody here is jelly. But the boys aren't even noticing the rest of us anymore.
Bebe: All we're asking is that you do for us what you did for Lisa and help with our imperfections.
Wendy: I won't do it, you guys! I'm sorry!
Heidi: Why?! Don't you care about us?!
Wendy: Because it's wrong! If you guys aren't happy with the way you look, then that's your problem! [turns left and walks away]
Lisa: [to the cheerleaders' left] Hey girls. [dressed in a hot outfit] Don't be sad. If you wanna look really hot, like me, you just gotta be willing to sweat. Get down to the gym and work!
  [Total-Self Image, day, inside. The cheerleaders await instructions from a coach]
Coach: Alright girls, we're gonna trim that fat and tone those bodies. Let's do this! You first! [points to Bebe] Get right up there! [gets on a treadmill. The coach quickly moves around the treadmill and begins taking pictures] Alright, now look here. [Bebe quickly figures out what she needs to do and begins posing. Later on...] Come on, burn it off! You got this! [Bebe is shown editing the pictures the coach just took. She puts blush on her cheeks, lipstick on her lips, blonde eyebrows on her eyes, a fuller body of hair... Next, Red edits her picture. She puts on a cute, tiny smile and eye makeup. Annie removes the fat around her torso and augments her breasts, Heidi gives herself a new hairstyle, Nicole gets more tone and a shorter neck, tighter cheeks, straighter hair, eyebrows, a lighter shade of brown, eye makeup, lipstick, a more level head, fuller lips, breasts. Next is Lisa performing in a video, a parody of "Work Bitch". Next is a shot of the girls looking at their Photoshopped selves.]
Coach: [to Lola] Look at those thighs! Come on, you've gotta push harder! [Lola removes some fat from her midsection and gives herself a bow on her shirt, then straightens out her head. Even Timmy, who isn't a cheerleader, gets the Photoshop treatment. His wheelchair is removed, he's given proper, working legs, his shirt is lengthened and given a collar, he's given more hair and his eyes are made to look forward, his mouth is fixed and he's given a coat. Red drinks from a water bottle while Lola is sweating from the hard work. All the while, Lisa raps]'
Lisa:

You wanna?
You, you, you wanna?
You wanna?
You wanna look pretty?
You want a boyfriend?
You want a nice ass?
You better work out, slut!
You want nice things?
You want boys to give you nice things?
You better work out, slut!
Now get to work, slut!
Party in the cookie trough!
Party in the cookie trough!
Party in the cookie trough!
You better work out, whore!

  [South Park Elementary, playground, day. The boys are gathered on the merry-go-round, looking at pictures of the cheerleaders on Craig's phone.]
The Boys: Wooowww!
Jimmy: Wow! Wow! She looks great!
Cartman: Whoa, look at Bebe! [her picture is shown] I had no idea Bebe was that hot.
Craig: Yeah, but did you see Token's girlfriend? [flips through the pictures until he gets to Nicole]
The Boys: Wooowww!
Clyde: Uh, my bitch is still the hottest, you guys.
Butters: No way! Go back to Annie Nelson! She's built like a Slim Jim! [Craig flips back to her]
Kyle: Yeah. Clearly Annie Nelson is the hottest girl at our school. Look at those eyes!
Cartman: Did you not see Erica Smith's boobs, Kyle? They're like perfect water balloons.
Butters: I do love water balloons. [the boys fall silent and continue viewing the pictures. Stan gets sad and leaves; viewing all those pictures, not one of them of Wendy, disheartened him]
  [The school hallway, moments later. Wendy is at her locker, and Stan approaches]
Stan: Hey, Wendy uh, can I ask you a big favor?
Wendy: [curt] What?
Stan: A lot of the pictures I have of you are kind of outdated, and um, you know, I wanna be able to show everyone how pretty you are.
Wendy: So you want a Photoshopped picture of me to take away any imperfections, is that it?! How DARE you, Stan?!
Stan: Wendy, why is it such a big deal?
Wendy: Because people should be okay with the way they look! I have pimples on my forehead! My bottom teeth are crooked! So what?! You have short legs.
Stan: [looks down] I do? [kids begin to walk by]
Wendy: Yeah. [begins to point out other kids' defects] And Jason has freckles, and Billy Turner has narrow shoulders. [The cheerleaders come into view and approach Wendy and Stan. Neither of them notices] The cheerleaders? Bebe has acne. Lola's arms are too short. Nicole's eyes are puffy. Annie has thin hair. [Mr. Mackey walks in on the rant] And Heidi Turner's butt is flat! [Wendy turns to leave, but runs into the cheerleaders and Mr. Mackey] Oh God damn it!
Bebe: You! HATER!
Mr. Mackey: WENDY, IN MY OFFICE, RIGHT NOW! OKAY?!
Wendy: Ugh!
  [Kanye West video, a spoof of "Bound 2"]
Kanye (backup singers):

(Oh yeah, babe. Oh yeah, baby.)
One thing I know, my girl ain't no hobbit.
She might be stumpy; that don't mean she a hobbit.
She's not a hobbit 'cause she couldn't be.
She got no Bagginses in her family tree.
Yes on occasion she hangs out with her dwarf friends.
But she never went on no quest with her dwarf friends.
Except for one time she went to kill that dragon.
She took his gold and she- [he stops the video shoot]

Hang on a minute, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [calls up Kim yet again] Bitch, remember when you went off to kill that dragon with them dwarves? ... Yeah. Oh yeah. Rightrightrightright, yup. Yup, I got it. Yep, love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and resumes the shoot.]

It wasn't no dragon, so my girl ain't no hobbit.
That was a Quizno's and my bitch went to rob it.
'Cause they got that ham that she robs on her cellulite.
While she drinking her grog and singin' those merry songs... at night...
My girl ain't no hobbit.
Please God, tell me I'm not engaged to no hobbit.
(Kim is not a hobbit.)

[South Park Elementary Gym, day. The cheerleaders are at practice]
Cheerleaders:

Who are you yelling for? South Park! Let's go Cows!
Who are you yelling for? South Park! Let's go Cows!

Heidi: Heidi!
Nicole: Nicole!
Bebe: Bebe!
Lola: Lola!
Red: Red!
Annie: Annie!
Lisa: Lisa Berger!
Wendy: [slowly steps forward and speaks softly] Wendy.
Nicole, Lola, Annie: Ugh.
Bebe: You suck!
Heidi: Oh God.
Red, Annie: Ugh.
Bebe: Can we try this without Wendy?
Lola: I agree!
Lisa: [steps forward] Hey, come on, you guys. She just needs more confidence. [to Wendy] It's okay, Wendy. Who care if no one likes you? Maybe you should go out with Butters.
Wendy: Let's just get back to cheering, okay?!
Heidi: I don't think so! We don't wanna cheer with a hater!
Bebe: Yeah! You have a bad self-image, Wendy! You need to go down to the gym and get a better one!
Annie: Yeah!
Lola: Uh huh!
Red: That's right!
Wendy: See, the problem with having fake pictures of yourself is that you start to believe in your own bullshit! This has gone way too far! [leaves] And if society won't fix it, I will!
Bebe: What are you gonna do?!
Wendy: [stops just outside the gym] Something that should have been done a long time ago! [walks away]
  [Channel 9 Morning News, with Tom and Tammy Thompson]
Announcer: It's the morning news, with Tom and Tammy Thompson.
Tammy: A little girl is making big waves with her fight against Photoshop.
Tom: Nine-year-old Wendy Testaburger has started a campaign, and tomorrow will speak before the state senate to ban the use of Photoshopped images, saying they're harmful to young girls. [a taped interview is shown.] Young lady, what is your message?
Wendy: Watching what Photoshop is doing to society... Little girls are aspiring to have bodies they can't possibly have! We have to put a stop to it.
Tom: And you're not just... being a hater.
Wendy: ...Nooo.
Tom: 'Cause sometimes, girls who aren't well-liked, you know, lash out at pretty and popular girls. Are, are you well-liked at your school?
Wendy: [thinks about it] Not lately, no.
Tom: Uh huh. But you're not being jelly?
Wendy: NO. That has nothing to do with me wanting to protest against Photoshopped images!
Tom: Okay, because I do understand that the jelly school in Aurora is ready to take you in. Is that right, Rick?
Rick: Tom, I'm standing in front of the jelly school, where officials claim they do have room for this little hater girl. We're being told if she doesn't stop the-
Wendy: That's not a jelly school, that's a Dunkin' Donuts!
Rick: [looks over his left shoulder] Well, okay, but, you are a hater.
Wendy: That's fine! [leaves her seat] People can call me whatever names they want to! I don't care! There is a cancer in our country, and I'm not going to rest until Photoshopped images are required to be labeled for what they are! Fake! And nothing in this world is going to stop me!
  [The Testaburger house, Wendy's bedroom, night. Her bedroom door opens and a silhouette of Kanye is at the door. He walks in and closes the door, walks to her night stand and turns on the lamp. Wendy wakes up, looks, and jumps up]
Wendy: Agh! What do you want?
Kanye: [sits on her chair and begins to read a sad story. He sniffs from time to time] Once upon a time, there was a little hobbit who lived in the forest. And all the hobbit ever wanted was to be beautiful. And even though she was short and fat and hairy, this little hobbit dreamed that one day she could be pretty like Beyoncé. [clears his throat] And then one day, along came a magic power, called Photoshop. And just like that, poof, the little hobbit was beautiful. And even though she still couldn't sing like Beyoncé, or dance like Beyoncé, or act like Beyoncé, or be a decent human being like Beyoncé, the little hobbit was looked up to and loved, just like Beyoncé! [takes a tissue from Wendy's tissue box and wipes away his tears with it] Soon she had money, and adoration, and a hip-hop fiancée who loved her very much- [turns away, getting choked up] I'm sorry, hold up. Hold up, I'm sorry. [returns to reading] Everything was good for the hobbit. But then this mean little girl, called the Jelly Monster, she was sooo jelly of the hobbit that she told everyone she was a liar, and the hobbit's fiancée realized she was just a hobbit. And you know what he said? He said "I don't CARE!" And then the jelly monster came and tried to take the magic power away from the little hobbit, so the hobbit prayed to God, and God said "Don't worry, little hobbit. I will go find this jelly monster girl, and I will read her a story and melt her icy heart." And the hobbit said "Thank you," and the hobbit and God lived happily ever after in the shower forever 'cause I love her so much! [breaks down and cries] I'm sorry, hold up. Hold up. Hold up. I'm sorry.
Wendy: Ah, ah I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have been jelly.
Kanye: [still a wreck] Sorry, hold up, I'm sorry, it's okay. Hold up, hold on, I'm sorry.
Wendy: Nono, I've been a hater, and I really am sorry.
Kanye: Sorry, sorry, that's okay. I've been jelly before too. I'm sorry.
  [South Park Elementary, morning. As kids pass each other in the hall, Wendy is in the computer lab looking at her picture. She begins to edit it, First she gives her hair a new style, then lifts her beret an inch or two, and shrinks her head. She makes more changes and tears begin to well up in her eyes. She now has hips, breasts, lipstick, blush, eyebrows and eyelashes. She's done, and clicks the Send button, which brings up a confirmation box which asks "Mass Email File 'My Pic'?". She moves the cursor to "Yes". The mouse doesn't move after that, and she clicks on "Yes". She wipes away her tears, pushes herself away from the computer, and leaves the computer lab.]
[End of The Hobbit.]

Reference

  1710: "The Hobbit" edit
Story Elements

Lisa BergerKanye WestPope FrancisWendy Testaburger • "Work Slut • "Camptown Races" • "My Bitch Ain't No Hobbit"

Media

ImagesScriptsVideo

Release

South Park: The Complete Seventeenth Season

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