South Park Archives

South Park (Not Suitable For Children) is now streaming on Paramount Plus!

READ MORE

South Park Archives
Register


Cast

Script

The F Word
A pond in a meadow. A hummingbird flits from flower to flower, then flies off as the camera zooms out to reveal the four boys there. Stan is fishing on one rock, Kenny is resting on another reading a magazine, Kyle stands near the water's edge, Cartman is sitting behind him on a third rock.
Cartman
Isn't this great, you guys? Gettin' away from it all, leaving all our cares behind?
Stan
Yeah, and they said the weather's gonna be nice like this all day.
Kyle
This... is exactly what I needed.
Kenny
(Meee toooo.) [a second later and the roar of motorcycles is heard, making the boys jump up startled. They look around]
Stan
Aww! Not those guys again! [the boys leave the pond and head over to the source of the noise - a group of bikers idling at at intersection for no other reason than to revel in the sound of their own bikes' motors]
Cartman
God damn it, why is it every time we try to have a relaxing day a bunch of assholes on their Harley motorcycles show up?! [the bikers just cheer each other on, but the motors drown them out]
Stan
God! Shut up!
Cartman
Piss off, you stupid assholes! [the bikers ride off]
A restaurant. The Marshes and the Broflovskis are dining al fresco.
Randy
Isn't this great food?
Gerald
You're so right about this place. It's wonderful.
Randy
You know what's really interesting is that- [the bikers roar in and stop at a crosswalk at one end of the restaurant, which is called Café Monet, and rev their motors. After a few seconds they ride away] ...what's really interesting is that this place has a new owner, and they-
An outdoor wedding. Father Maxi presides.
Father Maxi
On this gorgeous day we bring these two together for the most important ta- [the bikers roar in and slow down. The guests and the bride glare at the bikers as they roll slowly by]
Lead Biker
Everybody's checking us out.
Biker 2
Yeah, they think we're pretty cool.
A diner. People go about their conversations. Among them, the bikers.
Lead Biker
Hooo! We were definitely turnin' some heads out there.
Biker 3
Yeah!
Biker 2
I was pullin' back on that throttle, and everybody was like, "What is that?"
Biker 4
Fer sure!
Biker 3
Yeah.
Biker 5
Hey- hey, nobody here is really paying attention to us.
Lead Biker
That's weird. [clears his throat and starts imitating a motorcycle engine. The other bikers follow suit, and a few of the patrons look at them] Oh yeah, that's better.
The diner's men's room. A biker approaches a urinal, unzips, and gets to work. He looks left, then he looks right, then he clears his throat and revs up with his voice until the patron at right looks at him. He turns to his left and does the same to the patron at left. That patron looks at him. Once he's sure both men are looking at him, he faces forward and finishes urinating.
The diner, outside. Its name is Ronny's Diner. The bikers stream out of there and get on their bikes.
Lead Biker
All right let's head out. [the others agree and begin to rev their voices as they board their bikes.]
Cartman
[walking into view] Excuse me. Excuse me! Hey assholes! [the bikers quiet down, turn off their motors, and look at him] You guys know that everyone thinks you're total fags, right?
Lead Biker
...What did you say?
Cartman
You know, when people like you drive down the street with your unnecessarily loud motorcycles thinking you're all cool. Everyone is actually laughing at you and calling you pathetic faggots. You do realize this, right?
Biker 6
...Hey man, we roll how we roll, and if people are annoyed or intimidated by it, that's too bad for them!
Biker 2
Yeah! [the bikers rev their voices again]
Cartman
No no, no, nobody is intimidated, actually. Everyone realizes that people who are so needy for attention they need to dress up and be as loud as possible are you guys and sixteen-year-old girls! Just wanted to let you know, you're fuckin' fags. [proceeds to walk past the line of bikes]
Biker 7
Thah- that little boy just called us fags.
Biker 2
Like he didn't think we were cool.
Biker 6
But he's wrong. People don't think we're fags, do they?
Lead Biker
'Course he's wrong! And anyway, nobody except that little freak would ever say something like it to our faces!
Other Bikers
Yeah! Let's ride! [they rev up their voices and their motors] Let's go! Rev 'em up! [they ride off]
Kyle's house, Ike's room, day. Ike is playing with a toy xylophone when the bikers go down his street. He puts the xylophone sticks to his ears to block out the noise, but that doesn't work. He goes to his window, lifts it up and yells.
Ike
Fags! [then closes his window]
Biker 2
Did that kid just call us-?
Lead Biker
Ju-just ignore him! [as they ride, a car pulls up in front of them. Two kids in the back seat turn and make gestures to them. One of the boys makes a sign, then turns it around. Both kids hold it up. It says "FAGS." One of them mouths the word and the boys laugh.] God damn it, this is fucked up!
Biker 8
What's wrong with kids today? [revs his voice a little]
The desert. The lead biker is pretty bummed at the treatment the bikers have been getting.
Biker 4
It doesn't make any sense. They all called us fags.
Biker 6
How can they call us fags? I mean, listen to this? [revs his motor up]
Lead Biker
I know, I know! Look, guys, I think I know what the problem is here.
Biker 3
Really? You do?
Biker 9
Whatwhat?
Lead Biker
Yeah, think about it, guys. You see all the things kids have today? I mean, with their Xboxes and surround-sound entertainment systems, kids today are surrounded by big loud stuff all the time!
Biker 10
Hey, that's right.
Lead Biker
That's all it is, guys. We just need to get a little louder, that's all. [revs up his voice and his bike, and the others follow suit.]
The neighborhood park. The boys are playing basketball.
Kyle
Broflovski looks for Kenny to get clear for the pass.
Cartman
But Cartman isn't letting up on him. [the bikers roll by and the boys stop playing]
Kyle
Oh, what the hell?! [the bikers roll by with a variety of musical instruments, a siren, and a rooster attached to their bikes, all of them making noise.]
Biker 6
Chicken spears! Chicken spears! Chicken spears! ...Chicken spears! Chicken spears!
Stan
God damn it God damn it!
Lead Biker
Oh yeah, now we're turnin' some heads! [blows into one of the two horns on his handlebars]
Biker 2
Let's see 'em call us fags now!
Stan's house, later. The boys present in the living room are the four boys, Tolkien, Jimmy, Clyde, and Butters.
Stan
All right, thanks for coming, everyone. As you all know, the Harley problem seems to be getting worse, and nobody is willing to do anything about it.
Kyle
Yes.
Cartman
Agreed.
Jimmy
I have had it with those loud, annoying, f-f-f f-faggots.
Stan
Now, we have some ideas, and we'd love to hear your ideas, and I think together we can- [the bikers roll by on Stan's street, then Stan sighs when they're gone] ...and I think that together we can come up with a way to get rid of these fags once and for all.
Kyle
Sounds good.
Jimmy
Okay good, yeah.
Cartman
Ni-nice, okay.
Butters
What are you guys talkin' about? Harleys are neato!
Cartman
What?
Butters
I always thought, someday when I grow up I'm gonna get a Harley. Then people will have to notice me, and they'll have to deal with my shit for once. The open road! The wind on my face! I'll go from city to city! Rowrrowrroowwrr! Everyone lookin' at me! "Who's that guy? He must be a Hoo- he must be tough!" Vromvrom, vromvrom, vrooom! I'll have my girl on the back seat holdin' on to my fat belly - sure she's missin' a few teeth, but she thinks I'm coool. That's why, when I grow up, I'm gonna be a Harley rider!
Stan
...That makes perfect sense, Butters.
Butters
It does?
Stan
Yes, now get out of here.
Butters
Okay. [walks out]
Stan
Alright, Kyle and I are gonna spray paint messages to the Harley riders; Cartman, you said you had an idea?
Cartman
I think what I'm gonna do is uh, find out wherever their bikes are and uh, crap on their seats.
Stan
[taking notes] Oh that's good.
Cartman
[taking notes] Yeah, I think that'll be nice.
Stan
But that's a lot of seats? How are you going to pull that off?
Cartman
I think I just need uh two, maybe three buckets of KFC, extra crispy, probably ...four cartons of gravy.
Stan
Clyde, can you take care of getting KFC for Cartman? Kyle and I will get the spray paint cans. If we do this right, we'll be doing the town a huge favor, so let's get to it!
All
Yeah!
Ronny's diner, next morning. The bikers stream out of there and to their bikes.
Lead Biker
Now that was a good breakfast.
Biker 6
I'm full. [the bikers all rev their voices again and stand by their bikes...]
Lead Biker
[sniffs] You guys smell that? Smells like that new famous bowl at KFC.
Biker 6
Ohh, OHHH! SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT ON MY FUCKIN' HARLEY!!!
Biker 3
What?
Biker 2
Awwww, me too! I got shit all over my pants now! [another biker throws up on his Harley]
Biker 7
There's little flags stuck in the shit!
Lead Biker
[picks the flag off his Harley and reads it] "You're fags."
Biker 11
You've gotta be kidding me!
Lead Biker
Come on, we'll find the bastards who did this! [the bikers wipe the crap off their bikes, rev their voices and their bikes, hop on, and ride off. They stop at an intersection and look up at a billboard. It's a Harley-Davidson billboard, and on it is spray-painted "FAGS GET OUT." They cross the intersection and continue down the road, stopping again when three buildings next to each other have the same message spray-painted on them.]
Biker 12
This can't be happening. [they continue riding]
An alley. The boys reflect on their work.
Stan
Really nice work, guys.
Kyle
Yeah. I think maybe everything is gonna be okay now.
A sidewalk nearby. Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave walk down the sidewalk hand in hand.
Big Gay Al
And so I said to the guy, "you really think I'm paying that much?"
Mr. Slave
Heheh, oh Jesus Christ. [both men stop and gasp at what they see: the same three buildings the bikers just passed, and the message spray-painted on it] Oh my God.
Big Gay Al
I thought we were past this.
South Park Elementary School gym. The mayor and city officials as well as Principal Victoria and Counselor Mackey address the student body.
Mayor McDaniels
Students, I am here because of a very serious matter. This morning it was discovered that in several places all over town, somebody had spray-painted the words, "Fags get out." Many witnesses reported seeing children with spray paint. Now, if anybody knows anything about the kids who did this, you must come forward-
Cartman
That was us!
Mayor McDaniels
...'Scuse me?
Stan
Yeah, we did that!
Kyle, Kenny
Yeah!
Mayor McDaniels
...Why would you write something like that and be proud of it?!
Kyle
W-well, 'cause we want all of those fags to get out of our town.
Cartman
Yeah, everyone hates those fags, right?
Other Kids
Yeah, uh huh, I do, yep. [the students begin to murmur]
Mr. Mackey
Now just what the heck is going on here?! This is not what we have taught you in this school! Kyle and Stan, you've always been tolerant of gay people!
Stan
Gay people?
Kyle
We aren't talking about gay people.
Mr. Mackey
You just admitted to spray-painting that they should get out of town!
Stan
Dude, why would we want gay people to get out of town?
Cartman
Oh, they think we meant gay fags.
Kyle
Oh. Hey, that's not very nice, Mayor. Just because a person is gay doesn't mean he's a fag.
Mayor McDaniels
What?! You four boys, in my office, NOW!
Stan
Aw crap!
South Park Public Library, day. A row of motorcycles is at the front door.
Lead Biker
Faggot, often shortened to fag, has been used in the English language since the late sixteenth century. Its original meaning was "an old or unpleasant woman".
Biker 2
That certainly don't apply to us.
Lead Biker
Faggot later was defined as a bundle of sticks. And in the nineteenth century, a faggot gatherer was someone who made a meager living gathering firewood.
Biker 6
Well they certainly ain't calling us fags 'cause we gather sticks; there's got to be more! [begins revving his voice. The other bikers begin revving theirs, and the librarian shushes them. The bikers tone down their revving.]
Biker 2
What's that part say there?
Lead Biker
Later, the term "fag" was defined as any awkward bundle to be carried, and was often used as an insult to the elderly, as in calling them "baggage".
Biker 2
Fag was used as an insult to women, then poor people, then old people?
Lead Biker
In the early 1900s the word became a pe-jo-ra-tive term against homosexuals and transgender people in the United States.
Biker 10
Well that word just keeps changing its meaning. What's it got to do with us? [begins revving his voice. The other bikers begin revving theirs, and the librarian shushes them again. The bikers tone down their revving.]
A courtroom. A panel of judges is interrogating the four boys.
Judge 1
We are really trying to understand this. How is it that you boys think referring to gay people as fags in today's world is acceptable?
Kyle
[exasperated] Because we're not referring to gay people! You can be gay and not be a fag.
Stan
Yeah, a lot of fags aren't gay.
Judge 2
I happen to be gay, boys. Do you think I'm a fag?
Stan
Do you ride a big loud Harley and go up and down the streets, ruining everyone's nice time?
Judge 2
No.
Stan
Then you're not a fag.
Judge 1
So what if a guy is gay and rides a Harley?
Cartman
Then he's a gay fag. I mean, is this really this hard?
Stan
I don't know.
Kenny
(This is fucking ridiculous.)
Stan
All right, look, you're driving in your car, okay? And you're waiting to make a left at a traffic signal. The light turns yellow, should be your turn to go, but the traffic coming at you just keeps coming. And even when the light turns red, a guy in a BMW runs the red light so you can't make your left turn. What goes through your mind?
Judge 3
"Fag."
Stan
Right. But you're not thinkin' "Oh, he's a homosexual," you're thinkin' "Oh, he's an inconsiderate douchebag like a Harley rider."
Judge 1
This, this is, making insanely good sense to me.
Judge 4
Alright, how about this: What would you call a straight man who doesn't own a Harley, but likes them and might buy one someday?
Cartman
You call them "bike-curious".
Judge 1
"Bike-cu-"
Stan
"Bike-curious"! Don't you people keep up with today's lingo at all?!
Kenny
[puts his head in his hands out of frustration] (Jesus fucking Christ!)
The South Park Community Center, evening. Big Gay Al is holding a meeting there.
Big Gay Al
Fellow homosexuals, I believe we have an opportunity here to take a big step forward for our kind. We must acknowledge that the words "fag" and "faggot" are never going to disappear. They're simply too much fun for everyone to say. But we must realize that we are no longer the most hated people on the planet, and help the children change the meaning of the word to describe those annoying loud faggot Harley riders!
Mr. Slave
[clapping] Hear hear!
Big Gay Al
We should all be tolerant, but not with these fucking people! They really are faggots!
Mr. Slave
Yes Jesus yes!
Channel Four News.
Announcer
This is Channel 4 Evening News.
News Anchor
A new movement in South Park is bringing to question the word "fag". Gay groups are pointing out that the word no longer means to kids today what it meant just a few years ago.
Field Reporter
And what is your name, little boy?
Martin
Martin.
Field Reporter
Alright Martin, can you do me a favor? Could you point to the "fag" for me? [shows him a poster with two pictures on it - one of a biker, the other of of a man dressed in women's swimwear. The boy is unsure what to do] Just point to which one is the fag. [Martin finally steps up and points to the biker. The next clip is of the reporter asking a baby] All right now could you just point to the fag for me, little girl? Which one is a faggot? [holds up another poster with two different pictures on it - one of a biker, another of Liberace. The baby starts to lean to one side, and her mom moves her in that direction until the baby points to the biker.]
News Anchor
[shown are the Mayor and her aides, and Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave] Sparked by this realization and persuaded by a gay advocate group, the Mayor signed a new city ordinance today making the word "fag" officially refer to annoying inconsiderate Harley riders. [next she's shown in front of City Hall with an aide and the four boys]
Field Reporter
[interviewing the bikers] How do you fags feel about the new city ordinance?
Lead Biker
What did you say?
Field Reporter
Just asking you if you feel okay or displeased about the ordinance, fag.
Lead Biker
Hey you know what? If you call me fag in my face one more time, you'd better-
Field Reporter
I already did it twice.
Lead Biker
Well I think that- I think that you uh, you probably won't say it again.
Field Reporter
I bet I do.
Lead Biker
Well okay, I-
Field Reporter
Fag. [the lead biker throws a punch, knocking the reporter down and cutting off the video feed]
News Anchor
[Randy is shown watering his lawn] As more people in South Park adapt to the new meaning... [the bikers roll down Randy's street. He turns to see them]
Randy
Fags! [turns back to water his lawn. The bikers look at him and move on. Next, Father Maxi is shown holding a sign in front of his church: "GOD HATES FAGS" as the bikers pass by]
News Anchor
...more and more Harley riders are deciding to ride elsewhere.
The neighborhood park. The boys are playing basketball again. Kenny takes a shot.
Cartman
Oh yeah, nice, Kenny. [Kenny gets the ball and throws it to Stan, who dribbles it a bit and gets ready to shoot]
Stan
Isn't this awesome, you guys? I haven't seen a Harley for like three days.
Kyle
I know. It's like we have the outdoors back again.
Mayor McDaniels
[runs up to the boys] You four turd balls in my office NOW!
Stan
Aw crap! [drops the basketball]
City Hall, the Mayor's office, day.
Mayor McDaniels
You have got me in a lot of trouble! [turns on the TV]
Another Mayor
The fact of the matter is that "fag" is still defined in the dictionary as a pejorative term against homosexuals, and so you are still causing harm to gay people everywhere whether you mean it differently or not! The town of South Park and its mayor have once again shown themselves to be completely out of touch with the progressive world!
Mayor McDaniels
She's gaining support all over the country. I should have never listened to you!
Kyle
We're sorry, Mayor.
Mayor McDaniels
Oh, that's nice! You made our entire town look like gay-bashing redneck homophobes, but at least you're sorry!
Stan
We can fix this!
Mayor McDaniels
HOW?!
Stan
That, that lady said it's because fag still means homosexual in the dictionary. So we just have to convince the dictionary people to change the definition.
Cartman
Hey, hey yeah. Then people would be free to call Harley riders fags all over the country.
The desert, day. The bikers are gathered there again revving their voices and their motorcycles.
Lead Biker
Now I don't know about you, but I think this town is starting a trend. And if we let them officially change the meaning of "fag" from gay people to us, then soon every town might. [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes] If we don't do anything, we can end up trying to fight e- [one biker continues to rev up his voice and bike] If we don't do anything, we c-... Hey Bartlett. Bartlett! [stands in front of him] I'm trying to talk, you fag! [Bartlett is stunned, as are the other bikers] Aw, see? Now they got us doin' it to ourselves! We gotta put a stop to this now! [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes] We're going to ride into that town and kick some fuckin' ass! [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes]
City Hall, day. A stage has been set up. The four boys sit on the left side of the stage and the city seal takes up the center. People are taking pictures, an orchestra plays grandstand music leading into "Pomp and Circumstance". A banner over the stage reads: Welcome Dictionary Officiates.
Field Reporter
Excitement is in the air as the citizens of South Park amass to see if the word "fag" will officially be changed in the English dictionary. Four local boys will state their case to the head dictionary editor, and if they succeed, "fag" will officially refer to Harley riders nationwide.
Big Gay Al
You can do it, boys! We believe in you!
Field Reporter
And Tom, it looks as though the dictionary officials have arrived. [three officials walk up the red carpet, one of them holding the dictionary on its own pillow.] Entering the scene now are the keepers of the current dictionary and of course, the dictionary's head editor, Mr. Emmanuel Lewis. [shown in a gown following the three men]
Cartman
Emmanuel Lewis, huh?
Stan
Ohh, it all makes sense now. [the four men walk onto the right side of the stage. The crowd cheers and claps]
Emmanuel Lewis
To change... [the crowd falls silent] the definition of a word... is no trifling thing. I expect this proposal for changing the definition of the word "fag" to be both discerning and undisputable.
Big Gay Al
Come on boys, you can do it! [motorcycle engines are heard. A horde of bikers roars towards City Hall. Randy gets up and sounds the alarm]
Randy
Look out, it's a bunch of pissed-off faggots! [everyone scatters as the bikers arrive and tear everything up. One of them throws a bottle bomb at a store, breaking a window and setting it on fire. A family nearby escapes injury. Three bikers ram their motorcycles into the stage]
Stan
There's fags everywhere!
Kyle
We gotta run! [the boys leave the stage quickly. A biker throws his chain towards the stage, catching Emmanuel Lewis by the right ankle and pulling him off the stage and down the street.]
Emmanuel Lewis
WAAAH! What nefariousness is this?! Ogh! You obdurate beast! [as the town falls into chaos, the boys run into an alley, but find that it has a dead end. The bikers gather at the alley's entrance and the lead biker walks up to the boys. The other bikers get off their Harleys and follow]
Lead Biker
[stops] Well well. Now, do you think we're fags?
Stan
[backing up as far as he can] Yes. Yes, sir, you are total fags. [the other boys do as well]
Kyle
Yeah. You definitely made your point.
Biker 13
No! We rolled in, kicked ass, and took shit over! Is that what a fag does?!
Stan
Yeah yeah, that's totally what a fag does.
Lead Biker
No, you're supposed to think we're not fags now!
Stan
But then why are you acting like such fags? I don't understand.
Kyle
I don't either.
Butters
[voice only] That's because you guys never understood! [walks through the crowd of bikers and past the lead biker] You fellers never got what these people are really about! Freedom! Rebellion against the system! A living image of independence! Solid, defiant, and supremely cool, the biker is an All-American icon of resilient individuality and freedom.
Biker 14
Who is this little fag?
Butters
I'm not a fag yet, sirruh but a but I am bike-c-curious.
Biker 15
That's it, let's kill them all!
Cartman
No! That'll just make you bigger fags!
Big Gay Al
[voice only] No one is killing anyone! [a sound of guns being cocked. The bikers turn to see who's at the alley entrance - Big Gay Al and his gay support group. One group member holds a sign - "GAYS AGAINST FAGS"] We've had enough! You faggots get the hell out of our town!
Lead Biker
[seeing no choice but to accept the word] All right everyone, all right. We are fags. Yeah, we're fags. We're total fags. And you know what? We like it.
Biker 2
Yeah, we like being fags.
Lead Biker
So go ahead, America. Whenever you pass by Harley riders like us, roll down your window, and yell "Faggots!" All you kids out there, when you see us, walk up to us, and say "Hello, fags." No, really, we want you to. At least we're cool enough to embrace who we are. Right guys?
Bikers
That's right. You got it. Yeah. [more of this, followed by revving voices and motors]
Biker 6
Come on, fags, let's roll out! [the bikers ride away. Emmanuel Lewis limps back onto the stage]
Stan
...And that, Mister Editor, is why they are the true definition of fags.
Emmanuel Lewis
Let there be no perplexity: those individuals are the legitimate faggots. The definition shall be replaced. [everyone in town, even the homosexuals, cheer this change]
Stan
We did it! Yeah!
Kyle
Yeah! We did it, you guys! [he and Stan hug]
Cartman
Oh it's over, it's finally over! [he and Kenny do a shoulder embrace. Stan walks up to the camera]
Stan
Today, we've made history.

Fag (făg) n. 1. An extremely annoying, inconsiderate
person most commonly associated with Harley riders.
2. A person who owns or frequently rides a Harley.

End of The F Word


  1312: "The F Word" edit
Story Elements

Harley RidersKFCRonny's DinerCafé MonetSouth Park Elementary

Media

ImagesScriptExtrasWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Thirteenth Season