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The F Word/Script

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< The F Word


Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Butters Stotch
  • Token Black
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Ike Broflovski
  • Martin
  • Randy Marsh
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Big Gay Al
  • Mr. Slave
  • Father Maxi
  • A Bunch of Harley Riders, or Bikers
  • News Anchor
  • Emmanuel Lewis
  • Announcer
  • Another Mayor
  • Field Reporter
  • Judges

Script

[A pond in a meadow. A hummingbird flits from flower to flower, then flies off as the camera zooms out to reveal the four boys there. Stan is fishing on one rock, Kenny is resting on another reading a magazine, Kyle stands near the water's edge, Cartman is sitting behind him on a third rock.]
Cartman: Isn't this great, you guys? Gettin' away from it all, leaving all our cares behind?
Stan: Yeah, and they said the weather's gonna be nice like this all day.
Kyle: This... is exactly what I needed.
Kenny: (Meee toooo.) [a second later and the roar of motorcycles is heard, making the boys jump up startled. They look around]
Stan: Aww! Not those guys again! [the boys leave the pond and head over to the source of the noise - a group of bikers idling at at intersection for no other reason than to revel in the sound of their own bikes' motors]
Cartman: God damn it, why is it every time we try to have a relaxing day a bunch of asshole on their Harley motorcycles show up?! [the bikers just cheer each other on, but the motors drown them out]
Stan: God! Shut up!
Cartman: Piss off, you stupid assholes! [the bikers ride off]
[A restaurant. The Marshes and the Broflovski's are dining al fresco]
Randy: Isn't this great food?
Gerald: You're so right about this place. It's wonderful.
Randy: You know what's really interesting is that- [the bikers roar in and stop at a crosswalk at one end of the restaurant, which is called Café Monet, and rev their motors. After a few seconds they ride away] ...what's really interesting is that this place has a new owner, and that-
[An outdoor wedding. Father Maxi presides]
Father Maxi: On this gorgeous day we bring these two together for the most important ta- [the bikers roar in and slow down. The guests and the bride glare at the bikers as they roll slowly by]
Lead Biker: Everybody's checking us out.
Biker 2: Yeah, they think we're pretty cool.
[A diner. People go about their conversations. Among them, the bikers.]
Lead Biker: Hooo! We were definitely turnin' some heads out there.
Biker 3: Yeah!
Biker 2: I was pullin' back on that throttle, and everybody was like, "What is that?"
Biker 4: Fer sure!
Biker 3: Yeah.
Biker 5: Hey- hey, nobody here is really paying attention to us.
Lead Biker: That's weird. [clears his throat and starts imitating a motorcycle engine. The other bikers follow suit, and a few of the patrons look at them] Oh yeah, that's better.
[The diner's men's room. A biker approaches a urinal, unzips, and gets to work. He looks left, then he looks right, then he clears his throat and revs up with his voice until the patron at right looks at him. He turns to his left and does the same to the patron at left. That patron looks at him. Once he's sure both men are looking at him, he faces forward and finishes urinating.]
[The diner, outside. Its name is Ronny's Diner. The bikers stream out of there and get on their bikes.]
Lead Biker: All right let's head out. [the others agree and begin to rev their voices as they board their bikes.]
Cartman: [walking into view] Excuse me. Excuse me! Hey assholes! [the bikers quiet down, turn off their motors, and look at him] You guys know that everyone thinks you're total fags, right.
Lead Biker: ...What did you say?
Cartman: You know, when people like you drive down the street with your unnecessarily loud motorcycles thinking you're all cool. Everyone is actually laughing at you and calling you pathetic faggots. You do realize this, right?
Biker 6: ...Hey man, we roll how we roll, and if people are annoyed or intimidated by it, that's too bad for them!
Biker 2: Yeah! [the bikers rev their voices again]
Cartman: No no, no, nobody is intimidated, actually. Everyone realizes that people who are so needy for attention they need to dress up and be as loud as possible are you guys and sixteen-year-old girls! Just wanted to let you know, you're fuckin' fags. [proceeds to walk past the line of bikes]
Biker 7: Thah- that little boy just called us fags.
Biker 2: Like he didn't think we were cool.
Biker 6: But he's wrong. People don't think we're fags, do they?
Lead Biker: 'Course he's wrong! And anyway, nobody except that little freak would ever say something like it to our faces!
Other Bikers: Yeah! Let's ride! [they rev up their voices and their motors] Let's go! Rev 'em up! [they ride off]
[Kyle's house, Ike's room, day. Ike is playing with a toy xylophone when the bikers go down his street. He puts the xylophone sticks to his ears to block out the noise, but that doesn't work. He goes to his window, lifts it up and yells]
Ike: Fags! [then closes his window]
Biker 2: Did that kid just call us-?
Lead Biker: Ju-just ignore him! [as they ride, a car pulls up in front of them. Two kids in the back seat turn and make gestures to them. One of the boys makes a sign, then turns it around. Both kids hold it up. It says "FAGS." One of them mouths the word and the boys laugh.] God damn it, this is fucked up!
Biker 8: What's wrong with kids today? [revs his voice a little]
[The desert. The lead biker is pretty bummed at the treatment the bikers have been getting]
Biker 4: It doesn't make any sense. They all called us fags.
Biker 6: How can they call us fags? I mean, listen to this? [revs his motor up]
Lead Biker: I know, I know! Look, guys, I think I know what the problem is here.
Biker 3: Really? You do?
Biker 9: Whatwhat?
Lead Biker: Yeah, think about it, guys. You see all the things kids have today? I mean, with their Xboxes and surround-sound entertainment systems, kids today are surrounded by big loud stuff all the time!
Biker 10: Hey, that's right.
Lead Biker: That's all it is, guys. We just need to get a little louder, that's all. [revs up his voice and his bike, and the others follow suit.]
[The neighborhood park. The boys are playing basketball]
Kyle: Broflovski looks for Kenny to get clear for the pass.
Cartman: But Cartman isn't letting up on him. [the bikers roll by and the boys stop playing]
Kyle: Oh, what the hell?! [the bikers roll by with a variety of musical instruments, a siren, and a rooster attached to their bikes, all of them making noise.]
Biker 6: Chicken spears! Chicken spears! Chicken spears! ...Chicken spears! Chicken spears!
Stan: God damn it God damn it!
Lead Biker: Oh yeah, now we're turnin' some heads! [blows into one of the two horns on his handlebars]
Biker 2: Let's see 'em call us fags now!
[Stan's house, later. The boys present in the living room are the four boys, Token, Jimmy, Clyde, and Butters]
Stan: All right, thanks for coming, everyone. As you all know, the Harley problem seems to be getting worse, and nobody is willing to do anything about it.
Kyle: Yes.
Cartman: Agreed.
Jimmy: I have had it with those loud, annoying, f-f-f f-faggots.
Stan: Now, we have some ideas, and we'd love to hear your ideas, and I think together we can- [the bikers roll by on Stan's street, then Stan sighs when they're gone] ...and I think that together we can come up with a way to get rid of these fags once and for all.
Kyle: Sounds good.
Token: Okay good, yeah.
Cartman: Ni-nice, okay.
Butters: What are you guys talkin' about? Harleys are neato!
Cartman: What?
Butters: I always thought, someday when I grow up I'm gonna get a Harley. Then people will have to notice me, and they'll have to deal with my shit for once. The open road! The wind on my face! I'll go from city to city! Rowrrowrroowwrr! Everyone lookin' at me! "Who's that guy? He must be a Hoo- he must be tough!" Vromvrom, vromvrom, vrooom! I'll have my girl on the back seat holdin' on to my fat belly - sure she's missin' a few teeth, but she thinks I'm coool. That's why, when I grow up, I'm gonna be a Harley rider!
Stan: ...That makes perfect sense, Butters.
Butters: It does?
Stan: Yes, now get out of here.
Butters: Okay. [walks out]
Stan: Alright, Kyle and I are gonna spray paint messages to the Harley riders; Cartman, you said you had an idea?
Cartman: I think what I'm gonna do is uh, find out wherever their bikes are and uh, crap on their seats.
Stan: [taking notes] Oh that's good.
Cartman: [taking notes] Yeah, I think that'll be nice.
Stan: But that's a lot of seats? How are you going to pull that off?
Cartman: I think I just need uh two, maybe three buckets of KFC, extra crispy, probably ...four cartons of gravy.
Stan: Clyde, can you take care of getting KFC for Cartman? Kyle and I will get the spray paint cans. If we do this right, we'll be doing the town a huge favor, so let's get to it!
All: Yeah!
[Ronny's diner, next morning. The bikers stream out of there and to their bikes]
Lead Biker: Now that was a good breakfast.
Biker 6: I'm full. [the bikers all rev their voices again and stand by their bikes...]
Lead Biker: [sniffs] You guys smell that? Smells like that new famous bowl at KFC
Biker 6: Ohh, OHHH! Somebody took a shit on mah fuckin' Harley!
Biker 3: What?
Biker 2: Awwww, me too! I got shit all over my pants now! [another biker throws up on his Harley]
Biker 7: There's a little flag stuck in the shit!
Biker 11: [picks the flag off his Harley and reads it] "You're fags." You've gotta be kidding me!
Lead Biker: Come on, we'll find the bastards who did this! [the bikers wipe the crap off their bikes, rev their voices and their bikes, hop on, and ride off. They stop at an intersection and look up at a billboard. It's a Harley-Davidson billboard, and on it is spray-painted "FAGS GET OUT." They cross the intersection and continue down the road, stopping again when three buildings next to each other have the same message spray-painted on them.]
Biker 12: This can't be happening. [they continue riding]
[An alley. The boys reflect on their work]
Stan: Really nice work, guys.
Kyle: Yeah. I think maybe everything is gonna be okay now.
[A sidewalk nearby. Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave walk down the sidewalk hand in hand]
Big Gay Al: And so I said to the guy, "you really think I'm paying that much?"
Mr. Slave: Heheh, oh Jesus Christ. [both men stop and gasp at what they see: the same three buildings the bikers just passed, and the message spray-painted on it]
Big Gay Al: Oh my God. I thought we were past this.
[South Park Elementary School gym. The mayor and city officials as well as Principal Victoria and Counselor Mackey address the student body]
Mayor McDaniels: Students, I am here because of a very serious matter. This morning it was discovered that in several places all over town, somebody had spray-painted the words, "Fags get out." Many witnesses reported seeing children with spray paint. Now, if anybody knows anything about the kids who did this, you must come forward-
Cartman: That was us!
Mayor McDaniels: ...'Scuse me?
Stan: Yeah, we did that!
Kyle, Kenny: Yeah!
Mayor McDaniels: ...Why would you write something like that and be proud of it?!
Kyle: W-well, 'cause we want all of those fags to get out of town.
Cartman: Yeah, everyone hates those fags, right?
Other Kids: Yeah, uh huh, I do, yep. [the students begin to murmur]
Mr. Mackey: Now just what the heck is going on here?! This is not what we have taught you in this school! Kyle and Stan, you've always been tolerant of gay people!
Stan: Gay people?
Kyle: We aren't talking about gay people.
Mr. Mackey: You just admitted to spray-painting that they should get out of town!
Stan: Dude, why would we want gay people to get out of town?
Cartman: Oh, they think we meant gay fags.
Kyle: Oh. Hey, that's not very nice, Mayor. Just because a person is gay doesn't mean he's a fag.
Mayor McDaniels: What?! You four boys, in my office, NOW!
Stan: Aw crap!
[South Park Public Library, day. A row of motorcycles is at the front door.]
Lead Biker: Faggot, often shortened to fag, has been used in the English language since the late sixteenth century. Its original meaning was "an old or unpleasant woman".
Biker 2: That certainly don't apply to us.
Lead Biker: Faggot later was defined as a bundle of sticks. And in the nineteenth century, a faggot gatherer was someone who made a meager living gathering firewood.
Biker 6: Well they certainly ain't calling us fags 'cause we gather sticks; there's got to be more! [begins revving his voice. The other bikers begin revving theirs, and the librarian shushes them. The bikers tone down their revving.]
Biker 2: What's that part say there?
Lead Biker: Later, the term "fag" was defined as any awkward bundle to be carried, and was often used as an insult to the elderly, as in calling them "baggage".
Biker 2: Fag was used as an insult to women, then poor people, then old people?
Lead Biker: In the early 1900s the word became a pe-jo-ra-tive term against homosexuals and transgender people in the United States.
Biker 10: Well that word just keeps changing its meaning. What's it got to do with us? [begins revving his voice. The other bikers begin revving theirs, and the librarian shushes them again. The bikers tone down their revving.]
[A courtroom. A panel of judges is interrogating the four boys.]
Judge 1: We are really trying to understand this. How is it that you boys think referring to gay people as fags in today's world is acceptable?
Kyle: [exasperated] Because we're not referring to gay people! You can be gay and not be a fag.
Stan: Yeah, a lot of fags aren't gay.
Judge 2: I happen to be gay, boys. Do you think I'm a fag?
Stan: Do you ride a big loud Harley and go up and down the streets, ruining everyone's nice time?
Judge 2: No.
Stan: Then you're not a fag.
Judge 1: So what if a guy is gay and rides a Harley?
Cartman: Then he's a gay fag. I mean, is this really this hard?
Stan: I don't know.
Kenny: (This is fucking ridiculous.)
Stan: All right, look, you're driving in your car, okay? And you're waiting to make a left at a traffic signal. The light turns yellow, should be your turn to go, but the traffic coming at you just keeps coming. And even when the light turns red, a guy in a BMW runs the red light so you can't make your left turn. What goes through your mind?
Judge 3: "Fag."
Stan: Right. But you're not thinkin' "Oh, he's a homosexual," you're thinkin' "Oh, he's an inconsiderate douchebag like a Harley rider."
Judge 1: This, this is, making insanely good sense to me.
Judge 4: Alright, how about this: What would you call a straight man who doesn't own a Harley, but likes them and might buy one someday?
Cartman: You call them "bike-curious".
Judge 1: "Bike-cu-"
Stan: "Bike-curious"! Don't you people keep up with today's lingo at all?!
Kenny: [puts his head in his hands out of frustration] (Jesus fucking Christ!)
[The South Park Community Center, evening. Big Gay Al is holding a meeting there.]
Big Gay Al: Fellow homosexuals, I believe we have an opportunity here to take a big step forward for our kind. We must acknowledge that the words "fag" and "faggot" are never going to disappear. They're simply too much fun for everyone to say. But we must realize that we are no longer the most hated people on the planet, and help the children change the meaning of the word to describe those annoying loud faggot Harley riders!
Mr. Slave: [clapping] Hear hear!
Big Gay Al: We should all be tolerant, but not with these fucking people! They really are faggots!
Mr. Slave: Yeth Jethuth yeth!
[Channel Four News]
Announcer: This is Channel 4 Evening News.
News Anchor: A new movement in South Park is bringing to question the word "fag". Gay groups are pointing out that the word no longer means to kids today what it meant just a few years ago.
Field Reporter: And what is your name, little boy?
Martin: Martin.
Field Reporter: Alright Martin, can you do me a favor? Could you point to the "fag" for me? [shows him a poster with two pictures on it - one of a biker, the other of of a man dressed in women's swimwear. The boy is unsure what to do] Point to which one is the fag. [Martin finally steps up and points to the biker. The next clip is of the reporter asking a baby] All right now could you just point to the fag for me, little girl? Which one is a faggot? [holds up another poster with two different pictures on it - one of a biker, another of Liberace. The baby starts to lean to one side, and her mom moves her in that direction until the baby points to the biker.]
News Anchor: [shown are the Mayor and her aides, and Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave] Sparked by this realization and persuaded by a gay advocate group, the Mayor signed a new city ordinance today making the word "fag" officially refer to annoying inconsiderate Harley riders. [next she's shown in front of City Hall with an aide and the four boys]
Field Reporter: [interviewing the bikers] How do you fags feel about the new city ordinance?
Lead Biker: What did you say?
Field Reporter: Just asking you if you feel okay or displeased about the ordinance, fag.
Lead Biker: Hey you know what? If you call me fag in my face one more time, you'd better-
Field Reporter: I already did it twice.
Lead Biker: Well I think that- I think that you uh, you probably won't say it again.
Field Reporter: I bet I do.
Lead Biker: Well okay, I-
Field Reporter: Fag. [the lead biker throws a punch, knocking the reporter down and cutting off the video feed]
News Anchor: [Randy is shown watering his lawn] As more people in South Park adapt to the new meaning... [the bikers roll down Randy's street. He turns to see them]
Randy: Fags! [turns back to water his lawn. The bikers look at him and move on. Next, Father Maxi is shown holding a sign in front of his church: "GOD HATES FAGS" as the bikers pass by]
News Anchor: ...more and more Harley riders are deciding to ride elsewhere.
[The neighborhood park. The boys are playing basketball again. Kenny takes a shot]
Cartman: Oh yeah, nice, Kenny. [Kenny gets the ball and throws it to Stan, who dribbles it a bit and gets ready to shoot]
Stan: Isn't this awesome, you guys? I haven't seen a Harley for like three days.
Kyle: I know. It's like we have the outdoors back again.
Mayor McDaniels: [runs up to the boys] You four turd balls in my office NOW!
Stan: Aw crap! [drops the basketball]
[City Hall, the Mayor's office, day]
Mayor McDaniels: You have got me in a lot of trouble! [turns on the TV]
Another Mayor: The fact of the matter is that "fag" is still defined in the dictionary as a pejorative term against homosexuals, and so you are still causing harm to gay people everywhere whether you mean it differently or not! The town of South Park and its mayor have once again shown themselves to be completely out of touch with the progressive world!
Mayor McDaniels: She's gaining support all over the country. I should have never listened to you!
Kyle: We're sorry, Mayor.
Mayor McDaniels: Oh, that's nice! You made our entire town look like gay-bashing redneck homophobes, but at least you're sorry!
Stan: We can fix this!
Mayor McDaniels: HOW?!
Stan: That, that lady said it's because fag still means homosexual in the dictionary. So we just have to convince the dictionary people to change the definition.
Cartman: Hey, hey yeah. Then people would be free to call Harley riders fags all over the country.
[The desert, day. The bikers are gathered there again revving their voices and their motorcycles]
Lead Biker: Now I don't know about you, but I think this town is starting a trend. And if we let them officially change the meaning of "fag" from gay people to us, then soon every town might. [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes] If we don't do anythng, we can end up trying to fight e- [one biker continues to rev up his voice and bike] If we don't do anything, we c-... Hey Bartlett. Bartlett! [stands in front of him] I'm trying to talk, you fag! [Bartlett is stunned, as are the other bikers] Aw, see? Now they got us doin' it to ourselves! We gotta put a stop to this now! [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes] We're going to ride into that town and kick some fuckin' ass! [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes]
[City Hall, day. A stage has been set up. The four boys sit on the left side of the stage and the city seal takes up the center. People are taking pictures, an orchestra plays grandstand music leading into "Pomp and Circumstance". A banner over the stage reads: Welcome Dictionary Officiates]
Field Reporter: Excitement is in the air as the citizens of South Park amass to see if the word "fag" will officially be changed in the English dictionary. Four local boys will state their case to the head dictionary editor, and if they succeed, "fag" will officially refer to Harley riders nationwide.
Big Gay Al: You can do it, boys! We believe in you!
Field Reporter: And Tom, it looks as though the dictionary officials have arrived. [three officials walk up the red carpet, one of them holding the dictionary on its own pillow.] Entering the scene now are the keepers of the current dictionary and of course, the dictionary's head editor, Mr. Emmanuel Lewis. [shown in a gown following the three men]
Cartman: Emmanuel Lewis, huh?
Stan: Ohh, it all makes sense now. [the four men walk onto the right side of the stage. The crowd cheers and claps]
Emmanuel Lewis: To change... [the crowd falls silent] the definition of a word... is no trifling thing. I expect this proposal for changing the definition of the word "fag" to be both discerning and undisputable.
Big Gay Al: Come on boys, you can do it! [motorcycle engines are heard. A horde of bikers roars towards City Hall. Randy gets up and sounds the alarm]
Randy: Look out, it's a bunch of pissed-off faggots! [everyone scatters as the bikers arrive and tear everything up. One of them throws a bottle bomb at a store, breaking a window and setting it on fire. A family nearby escapes injury. Three bikers ram their motorcycles into the stage]
Stan: There's fags everywhere!
Kyle: We gotta run! [the boys leave the stage quickly. A biker throws his chain towards the stage, catching Emmanuel Lewis by the right ankle and pulling him off the stage and down the street.]
Emmanuel Lewis: WAAAH! What nefariousness is this?! Ogh! You obdurate beast! [as the town falls into chaos, the boys run into an alley, but find that it has a dead end. The bikers gather at the alley's entrance and the lead biker walks up to the boys. The other bikers get off their Harleys and follow]
Lead Biker: [stops] Well well. Now, do you think we're fags?
Stan: [backing up as far as he can] Yes. Yes, sir, you are total fags. [the other boys do as well]
Kyle: Yeah. You definitely made your point.
Biker 13: No! We rolled in, kicked ass, and took shit over! Is that what a fag does?!
Stan: Yeah yeah, that's totally what a fag does.
Lead Biker: No, you're supposed to think we're not fags now!
Stan: But then why are you acting like such fags? I don't understand.
Kyle: I don't either.
Butters: [voice only] That's because you guys never understood! [walks through the crowd of bikers and past the lead biker] You fellers never got what these people are really about! Freedom! Rebellion against the system! A living image of independence! Solid, defiant, and supremely cool, the biker is an All-American icon of resilient individuality and freedom.
Biker 14: Who is this little fag?
Butters: I'm not a fag yet, sirruh but a but I am bike-c-curious.
Biker 15: That's it, let's kill them all!
Cartman: No! That'll just make you bigger fags!
Big Gay Al: [voice only] No one is killing anyone! [a sound of guns being cocked. The bikers turn to see who's at the alley entrance - Big Gay Al and his gay support group. One group member holds a sign - "GAYS AGAINST FAGS"] We've had enough! You faggots get the hell out of our town!
Lead Biker: [seeing no choice but to accept the word] All right everyone, all right. We are fags. Yeah, we're fags. We're total fags. And yo know what? We like it.
Biker 2: Yeah, we like being fags.
Lead Biker: So go ahead, America. Whenever you pass by Harley riders like us, roll down your window, and yell "Faggots!" All you kids out there, when you see us, walk up to us, and say "Hello, fags." No, really, we want you to. At least we're cool enough to embrace who we are. Right guys?
Bikers: That's right. You got it. Yeah. [more of this, followed by revving voices and motors]
Biker 6: Come on, fags, let's roll out! [the bikers ride away. Emmanuel Lewis limps back onto the stage]
Stan: ...And that, Mister Editor, is why they are the true definition of fags.
Emmanuel Lewis: Let there be no perplexity: those individuals are the legitimate faggots. The definition shall be replaced. [everyone in town, even the homosexuals, cheer this change]
Stan: We did it! Yeah!
Kyle: Yeah! We did it, you guys! [he and Stan hug]
Cartman: Oh it's over, it's finally over! [he and Kenny do a shoulder embrace. Stan walks up to the camera]
Stan: Today, we've made history.

Fag (făg) n. 1. An extremely annoying, inconsiderate
person most commonly associated with Harley riders.
2. A person who owns or frequently rides a Harley.

[End of The F Word.]

Reference

"Episode 1312 - The F Word". spscriptorium.com (2009-11-06).


  1312: "The F Word" edit
Story Elements

KFCRonny's DinerCafé MonetSouth Park Elementary

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Thirteenth Season

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