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Cast

Script

The Biggest Douche in the Universe
South Park, night. A camera sits atop an ambulance transmitting the action as the ambulance speeds down a street. It ends up at Hell's Pass Hospital. The paramedics rush out and open the cargo doors, quickly take Cartman out and whisk him into Emergency while his mom remains seated anxiously inside the ambulance.
Liane
[steps out of the ambulance] Be careful with my baby.
Hell's Pass Hospital, inside. The paramedics reach the nurses' station and rush by.
Blonde Nurse
What have we got?
Paramedic 1
[black hair] Not sure. It looks like a possible code five six!
Cartman
[disoriented] Kenny. Shut up, Kenny.
Liane
[now helping the nurse and paramedics] You're going to be okay, baby.
Hell's Pass Hospital, operating room. Emergency personnel whisk Cartman into the room. Liane enters, but stays near the door.
Dr. Doctor
[enters ready for surgery] Five me 50 cc's of ketamine, STAT. And get something for the kid, too.
Liane
Is he going to be okay?
Brunette Nurse
Let the doctor do his work, ma'am. [closes the curtain]
Hell's Pass Hospital, a few hours later. Cartman is now in one of the recovery rooms with Liane at his side stroking him gently. He's on a respirator for the time being. The doctor enters the room slowly, but Liane notices and rises to meet him.
Liane
Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him?
Dr. Doctor
I'm afraid he's... running out of time.
Liane
[thinks a moment, then] Why?? What's wrong with him??
Dr. Doctor
It's his time. It's ...running out.
Liane
Well, what does he need?
Dr. Doctor
He needs to have more time.
Liane
What can we do?
Dr. Doctor
Well, I suppose we could try a time transplant. I'll have to call in a specialist. [turns and walks out. Liane returns to Cartman]
Liane
[cradles Cartman somewhat] It's going to be okay, baby. We're going to get you more time.
Cartman
Ey Kenny! God-damn you, Kenny!
Chef's house, day. Stan and Kyle go up to the front door and Kyle knocks. Chef opens up and sees them.
Chef
Hello there, children.
Stan
Chef, Cartman is in the hospital. They think he might die.
Kyle
Yeah, and, we don't know whether or not we should care.
Chef
Well what's wrong with him?
Stan
Well, nobody seems to know, but we think it's because he drank Kenny's soul four weeks ago.
Kyle
Kenny's ashes were in an urn, and Cartman drank it, thinking it was chocolate milk mix.
Chef
Children, why didn't you tell me about this sooner?
Kyle
Well like we said, we didn't know whether or not we should care?
Chef
Well, you should. Cartman is your friend whether you like him or not! Now, come on! We've gotta get to that hospital!
Hell's Pass Hospital, Cartman's recovery room. Dr. Doctor has returned.
Liane
He's looking a little better today.
Dr. Doctor
Yes, but his time is still getting weaker. It will give out soon unless we do something. [the door opens and Chef, Stan and Kyle enter]
Cartman
[cheerfully] Hey you guys! How's it goin'?
Chef
Cartman?
Stan
No, that's Kenny.
Cartman
[surly] What the hell are you assholes doing here?!
Stan
That's Cartman.
Chef
[approaches and has a look] Oh my God! Eric, how long have you been channelin' Kenny?
Cartman
Oh, about a month.
Dr. Doctor
Let's not validate his delusions.
Chef
Kenny? Kenny, do you know what you need to get free?
Cartman
He's gone again.
Chef
Ms. Cartman, we need to get Eric to a medium who can speak with people who have crossed over.
Dr. Doctor
What?? That's preposterous! What this child needs is a time transplant!
Chef
This hospital isn't gonna do any good. We need to take him to see John Edward.
Stan
Hey, I've seen that guy. He has a TV show where he brings people on and talks to their dead relatives.
Chef
That's right. We have to go see him in New York.
Dr. Doctor
I warn you, Ms. Cartman. Your son's time could give out at any minute. He needs to be kept here where his time could be monitored.
Liane
Oooh, what should I do? I'm playing roulette with my child's life! [switches mind gears] Ooo wait, Hairspray is showing in New York, isn't it? Let's go there.
Chef
Good. You children need to come too. Eric needs all the support he can get right now.
Kyle
We're going to New York?
An airplane to New York, dawn. The plane is flying above the clouds.
Flight Attendant
Welcome aboard Flight 673 to New York. We are happy to show you a feature film during the flight. In a moment we'll be showing a preview.
Kyle
[the boys begin to put on headphones] Oh cool. We get to watch a movie?
Stan
Awesome!
The preview.
Announcer
Rob Schneider was an animal. [a shot of him on all fours running through the forest] Then he was a woman. [Rob steps out of a shower and inspects his new breasts. He's shocked] And now Rob Schneider is... [a shot of him sitting on a desk dressed as a stapler, stapling papers together] a stapler. [he's showing being a stapler in front of some cheering frat boys from Gamma Gamma Delta] And he's about to find out... [he's shown trying to catch a bus as a stapler] that being a stapler [he's shown with a woman, still as a stapler. He tries to get close to her, but falls off the sofa] is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is... The Stapler. [title graphics show up] Rated PG-13.
Stan, Kyle
[remove their headphones] Weak!
Cartman
[giggles] Ha-heheheh. [the boys look at him; he takes his headphones off and looks at them] That was Kenny laughing, not me.
New York, the skyline. Chef, Liane, and the boys arrive at an HBC studio for John Edward.
Chef
This must be the place.
Page
Okay audience members, hi, welcome to the taping of the show. [she collects tickets from members as they enter the studio] It's all general seating in there, and just remember, Mr. Edward might not hear from the particular dead person you wanna talk to, so just... keep an open mind.
Chef
Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure he will be able to help you.
John Edward's studio, show set. The seats are all filled up.
Announcer
Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward. [applause. John enters the set and steps on stage]
John Edward
Thank you, thank you. Alright let's get started. [meditates a minute, then points to his right] 'S coming from over here. 'S the name Mike mean anything to anybody? [no reaction] I'm getting um, I'm getting M-mike? Definitely an M, d'um, maybe Matt? Mike? Matt? Mi-mmm, Mi-Mike, m-Mary?
Man 1
Mary was my mother!
John Edward
Okay okay, and she-she's she died?
Man 1
[begins to sob. A woman comforts him] Yes. Yeh-yes she did.
John Edward
Okay, and she's telling me there's something about... the money. That the, the money is safe? Is that making sense? [the man and woman look up]
Man 1
M-mm-m. Not really.
John Edward
Must be from somewhere else in the audience, then. Uh, d'uh, money? Is someone el-
Stan
Uh, over here please?
Kyle
We have a dead friend.
John Edward
Uh d'eh'hm quiet, quiet down boys. It doesn't work that way. Uh, okay, I I'm getting ...someone now whose name is g-, a t-. It's an l-, it's a m-, it's k-.
Cartman
Kenny!
John Edward
Kenny says hi.
Audience Members
Wow! [applause] wow...
John Edward
Okay, now I'm getting that Kenny ...died?
Stan
We told you that.
John Edward
And, and this wasn't, this wasn't a good death. It was like a, it was a sad death. It was like a, it was like a death that made people sad. Does that make sense?
Kyle
Yee-yeah.
Audience Members
[applause] Oh, wow, that's incredible! Wow!
Chef
Look uh, Mr. Edward, can you just ask Kenny how we can get him out, please?
John Edward
[blocking] Doesn't work that way. [turns his attention to the boys] Now, Kenny is telling me that... you're his best friends, and he's in a ss-safe place.
Stan
No no, he's trapped in Cartman's body.
John Edward
Ohh, there's somebody with him. Who's Kyle?
Kyle
I'm Kyle.
John Edward
Oh right. And uh, did an older woman pass, she's asking for Kyle? Maybe a grandma?
Kyle
[responding] Yeah. My Grandma. [looks around] She's here?
John Edward
She says there was something she asked you to do, and you're not doing it? She wants you to look for four white doves.
Kyle
Oh my God!
John Edward
Oh now she's sending me a P word. Maybe it's a puh-? Or a huh-?
Woman 1
My Harry died last year!
John Edward
Oh, it's comin' from over here. [moves to the woman's side of the audience] I'm getting all kinds of voices today. [does a small skip] Woo! [laughter]
Stan
Heh hey wait a minute dude.
John Edward
Okay now Harry. He's telling me... oh well, he's saying that you two used to... do things.
Woman 1
[sobs and nods vigorously] Mmm-hmm.
John Edward
And that those things involved... stuff?
Woman 1
The things did involve stuff, yes. [cries. The audience is awed and gets somewhat boisterous]
New York, outside John Edward's studio. Chef, Liane and the boys exit. Kyle is missing.
Chef
Aw man, I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole!
Stan
He seemed better on TV?
Chef
Yeah. They must edit his shows down on television to only show him getting mostly right answers.
Kyle
[exits the studio a bit panicked.] Grandma's watching me. Always watching me.
Stan
[approaches Kyle] Dude, you don't believe that guy talked to your grandma, do you? [Cartman has a seizure; the other boys look over. Cartman goes silent, and he's shown standing unconscious.]
Liane
Eric? [the others draw closer] It must be his time. I think it's running out!
Chef
We've got no choice. The only people I know now who might be able to help Eric are my parents. We'll have to take the next flight to Scotland.
New York Airport, day. The kids, Chef and Liane are ready for their flights.
Chef
[walks to Stan and Kyle and gives them their tickets] Okay children, this is your flight back to Colorado. Your parents are meeting you at the airport in Denver.
Stan
We don't get to go to Scotland?
Liane
It's too far and your parents want you back home.
Stan
[to Cartman] Oh well. Good luck getting Kenny out of you, fatso.
Cartman
Thanks, asshole.
Chef
Come on, we gotta catch our plane. You children get right on that plane now.
Announcer
This is the final boarding announcement for Flight 342 to Denver.
Stan
[moving off slowly] That's us. Come on.
Kyle
Four white birds!
Stan
Huh?
Kyle
There's four white birds! [Sees a sign for Jewleeard, a private school for young Jews. The sign has four birds in flight above a small school, two stars of David flanking the building, and two traditional Jewish men in overcoats, one at each end of the sign. A phone number is shown underneath. Kyle and Stan walk closer to the sign] This is what Grandma wants? She wants me to attend Jewleeard.
Stan
Dude, you were going to see four white birds eventually.
Kyle
So is it a coincidence that Grandma DID talk to me about going to Jewleeard someday?
Stan
Yes. Now, come on. Our plane is gonna leave. [walks off]
Kyle
I'm not going back.
Stan
[stops and looks at Kyle, astonished] What??
Kyle
I have to join Jewleeard and make Grandma proud! [drops his ticket on the ground] Tell my parents I'll call them. [hurries away]
Stan
Kyle. No, Kyle! Aw crap! [slaps his left palm on his face]
John Edward's estate, later. Stan arrives and goes to the front door. Needless to say, he didn't get on the plane either. He rings the bell and is greeted by the butler.
Stan
Hey, uh, I need to talk to Mr. Edward, please.
Butler
He doesn't do private readings.
Stan
I'm not here for a reading, I just need to ask him something real quick.
Butler
Alright, come on in. [steps aside for Stan to enter]
John Edward's estate, living room. Stan waits by the sofa.
Butler
Just wait here. I'll go fetch him. [the butler walks into another area of the house]
Stan
Jesus Christ.
Butler
[returns] Here he is. [presses a button next to a wide doorway]
Prerecorded Voice
Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward. [John approaches and the butler presses a second button for applause]
John Edward
Thank you, thank you.
Stan
Hey uh, I need to ask you a big favor. You, you did a reading on my best friend and uh, well you kind of messed him up.
John Edward
Oh. [pulls out a card from his pocket and reads aloud] The John Edward show is not liable for opinions and materials given for entertainment purposes only. [silence for a few seconds]
Stan
Look, my friend Kyle won't fly back home to Colorado. All I need you to do is just talk to him and tell him, you know, the whole talking to dead people isn't for real.
John Edward
Maybe it is for real.
Stan
Right, but it's not. It's a trick you do and I need you to just let my friend Kyle know that so he can go on with his life.
John Edward
Look, people have the right to be skeptical. I really hear voices in my head.
Stan
Yes. We all hear voices in our heads. It's called "intuition." Get over yourself and tell my friend it's just for fun.
John Edward
Look, what I do doesn't hurt anybody. I give people closure and help them cope with life.
Stan
No, you give them false hope and a belief in something that isn't real.
John Edward
But I'm a psychic.
Stan
No dude, you're a douche.
John Edward
I'm not a douche! What if I really believe that dead people talk to me?
Stan
Then you're a stupid douche.
John Edward
I think I've had of your bullying me! Get out of my house or I'll runs upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police!
Stan
I'm nine years old.
John Edward
I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs up the stairs and towards his room as his voice gets whinier] You'd better get out of my house, 'cause I'm gonna call the police! [Stan looks at him like he's nuts; he locks himself in his panic room]
Stan
You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche! [walks towards the door, but notices some books on a bookcase nearby. He checks them out. "How To Be A Psychic" "Cold Reading: The Trick Of The Psychic!" "Make Women Believe You're Psychic! Then Have Sex With Them!" "How To Sixty Nine With Yourself" ...Stan senses the real reason behind John's efforts] Son of a bitch. [takes the books and leaves the estate.]
An airplane to Scotland, day. The plane is flying above the clouds. In the cabin, Cartman sits between Chef and Liane.
Cartman
Hey Kenny! Shut up, Kenny! You shut up, fatass!
Liane
Hang in there, sweetie. We'll be there soon.
Pilot
Welcome aboard Scotland Air. Our trip to Edinburgh should take about twelve hours.
Cartman
Twelve hours?? Jesus Christ!
Pilot
In the meantime we'd like to show you a complimentary film.
Cartman
Oh, good. [All passengers put on their headsets.]
Announcer
Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive [Rob walks into the scene with a briefcase, then he's in a hot tub with a beautiful woman] With everything going for him. [now in his office, he gets up and straddles his desk. He then pretends the desk is a horse] Only problem is, he's about to become... [he walks up to a mirror and looks at himself] a carrot!
Rob Schneider
I'm a carrot!
Announcer
It's 24-carrot comedy. [hops away from a pursuing rabbit]
Rob Schneider
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohh!
Announcer
[title text is shown] Rob Schneider is a Carrot. Rated PG-13.
Cartman
Oh for the love of Christ. [switches from miffed to excited] I wanna watch, fat boy! [...and back to miffed] No, Kenny, it's not funny!
The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle approaches the school. Stan runs up to intercept him.
Stan
Kyle! Kyle!
Kyle
Don't try and stop me, Stan! This is what my grandma wants!
Stan
Look, I went and saw that John Edward guy. He's just a big douche.
Kyle
He's not a douche! He talked to my grandma!
Stan
Kyle, you can't run your life based on what some douchey psychic said. They all just use a technique called "cold reading." They've used it for hundreds of years to make people believe them.
Man 2
[listening, he approaches] Hey, whoa now. John Edward is for real.
Stan
No, he's not.
Woman 2
Yeah. My sister told me he knew our mother's name and when she died. [other adults begin to arrive and give testimony]
Construction Worker
John Edward? Oh yeah, I heard he walked up to a guy on the street, and said his dead father wanted to say "Happy Birthday," and it WAS his birthday.
Woman 3
Yeah kid, how do you explain that?
Stan
[looks around at the adults, then] Alright, look. I'll show you. I just need a volunteer. How about you?
Woman 4
Oh-ho. Me? [steps forward. The others clap]
Stan
Okay, I'm gonna pretend that a dead person is talking to me about you, okay?
Woman 4
Okay.
Stan
Okay, watch, Kyle. Uh, it's an older man, someone very close to you.
Woman 4
My father?
Stan
Does this month, November, hold a special significance?
Woman 4
[gasps] My birthday's in November!
Stan
Right, because he's saying, "Tell her 'Happy Birthday.'"
Woman 4
Oh my God.
Stan
See, Kyle? I just started with something really vague. I chose an older man because I'm betting that, based on this woman's age, her father is most likely dead. But if her father wasn't dead, I could still say it was some other older man.
Man 2
Well then how'd you know her birthday was in November?
Stan
I didn't. I just asked her if November meant anything. Her father could have died in November, or Thanksgiving could have been really special for them. But I go with the birthday and validate it now, as if I knew, by saying "He wishes you a Happy Birthday."
Woman 4
[gasps] What else does he say?
Stan
Okay, I'll just use an old standard. He's saying "the money. Stop worrying about the money."
Woman 4
[gasps] Oh my God! My sister and I have been fighting over his inheritance.
Woman 3
That's amazing.
Stan
No it isn't! When a father dies, inheritance is usually an issue, and money is something everyone worries about.
Man 3
That sounds a little too coincidental.
Man 4
Yes. There's only one explanation. This kid can communicate with the dead!
Adults
Wow!
Stan
What?! [his deconstruction didn't work. The adults crowd in]
Man 2
Do me next. I wanna talk to my mother.
Woman 3
Can you try to reach my grandfather.
Stan
No wait.
Construction Worker
You have to tell me if my sister's in a good place. [Kyle walks away from the crowd and into Jewleeard]
Man 5
Yeah, help me out too, 'k?
Man 6
I'm next. I'm next.
Man 7
Hey, get out of my way!
Man 8
Do me!
Scout
Kid, how would you like your own talking to the dead show?
Scotland, day, highlands. Night falls. Chef, Liane and Cartman arrive at the McElroy manor and Chef knocks on the door. Bagpipes that were playing stop. Mr. McElroy, Chef's dad, answers the door.
Chef
Hi Pop.
Thomas
Junior! Aw, son, it's good to see you now.
Chef
These are my friends, the Cartmans. [presents them]
Thomas
Well come on in out of the cold now. [the guests enter] There's heavy fog on the moors tonight. [closes the door, then leads them to the living room] Well, look what the cat dragged in, Nelle.
Nelle
Oh, my baby come home!
Chef
Hi, Momma! [gives her a hug]
Nelle
Lord, I thought you wasn't comin' till nine.
Chef
Mom, this is my friend, Ms. Cartman.
Liane
Please, call me Liane.
Nelle
So nice to have you here, Liane.
Thomas
And is this the children you told us about?
Chef
Yeah, Pop. This is Eric.
Thomas
Well, let's see here now. [genuflects and checks Cartman out in various places on the body] Mhm, mhm, mhm. [stands up] Yeup! There's definitely more than one children in there.
Liane
Oh dear.
Thomas
Nelle, you best have at it now.
Nelle
Oh Lord, and I just put the roast in the oven, too. [walks off to the kitchen muttering] Ain't gonna have no time now to baste it. Don't nobody blame me, a woman can't bake no roast and do everything else at the same time. [Thomas walks off to his left] Can't say that the roast is gonna be terrible, maybe just a little dry. [Thomas returns with a stool] But I suppose we can make some extra gravy to take the dryness out later. [Nelle returns dressed as a shaman with angel wings]
Thomas
Alright, children, stand up on this chair now.
Cartman
Right now?
Thomas
Yes, right now. [Cartman steps up on the small stool and Nelle begins to work on him.]
Nelle
[waving her scepters] Na kamaa karash meh nah- [strikes Cartman]
Cartman
Whoa, whoa, watch it lady.
Nelle
Come out now. Come out now.
Chef
Just stay still, Eric. Mom knows what she's doing.
Nelle
You all come out of there now.
"The Other Side".
Announcer
At a very young age one young boy learned he had a special gift. This is "The Other Side." [the curtain rises to reveal Stan on set with the studio audience clapping. He steps forward and the curtain falls down behind him]
Stan
Okay, listen to me. Listen very carefully. [the applause dies down] This is a trick that I am doing. Okay? Watch. All I'm gonna do is say a name that I'm gonna pick at random. Okay? [puts his hand to his temple] They want me to acknowledge Pete, or Peter.
Woman 5
[jumps up] Yes! Yes, my Peter! [begins to sob]
Audience
Wow!! [begins to clap]
Stan
No! Stop clapping! All I did was pick a random name and wait for somebody in the audience to give a response. Now that I see that there's a lone woman crying, my instinct tells me Peter was her husband. So I say, "Peter was your husband?"
Woman 5
[sobbing] Yes, yes! Yes, my husband Peter!
Audience
Wow!! [begins to clap]
Woman 6
Oh wow!
Stan
[getting annoyed] Stop it! I didn't do anything!
Man 9
[rises and accuses] You knew Peter was dead!
Stan
[reminding] I didn't start by saying Peter is dead! I started by saying, "They want me to acknowledge Peter." That could have meant Peter was in the audience or that Peter was somebody's friend, or Peter had died. I couldn't be wrong, see? Now, I can look at this woman and see that she's fairly young, so odds are her husband was fairly young when he died. So I can say something like, "I'm getting that Peter's death was very untimely."
Woman 5
[sobbing] Yes, it was.
Audience
Wow!! [begins to clap]
Man 10
Amazing!
Woman 7
Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy.
Stan
[frustrated, with right hand over his clenched eyelids] Okay. Let's back up. [each audience row backs up to the one behind it] Not literally!
McElroy manor, night. Nelle is still working on Cartman. He's laying on a bed, and Chef's dad helps in the exorcism.
Thomas
In the name of all that is holy we demand this spirit be set free!
Cartman
Ahh, Aahhhh! [the adults back away from the bed. Soon, an orange glow appears on Cartman's belly]
Thomas
There we go! We're gettin' somethin' now!
Nelle
Come on out, spirit. Go!
Thomas
Come on out hyow! It's safe! [Cartman groans with the pain Kenny's spirit is causing him. Thomas quickly moves to the foot of the bed] Here it comes! The spirit is comin' out hyuh! [a timer goes off]
Nelle
Oooo, that's the potatoes. [she removes all her costume and heads to the kitchen]
Thomas
[a few seconds later] Well hold on the potatoes two seconds, woman! [Nelle stops and turns around] The soul's comin' out hyuh! [Cartman writhes on the bed as Kenny's spirit now glows from Cartman's pants] It's almost done. Alright, son. Now bring me the victim child!
Chef
The victim child?
Thomas
Yeah. You know, the child that we sacrifice so we can put Kenny's soul into its body. [Chef looks off to his right. Liane and Thomas follow his gaze]
Nelle
Oh Lord, they didn't bring a victim child.
Chef
Where were we gonna find a child to sacrifice?
Nelle
We weren't gonna ask you where you got it from. [Cartman groans once more, and Kenny's spirit bolts out and bounces around the room. The adults try to dodge it]
Thomas
God-damnit! The spirit's out and it don't have no where to go!
Nelle
Lord, Thomas, don't let it get on the curtains.
Movie trailer. First scene is a disco dance floor. Rob Schneider is dancing around like John Travolta.
Announcer
Rob Schneider derp de derp. [next scene: he's walking down a city street when a pretty woman passes by. He looks back at her] Derp de derpity derpy derp. [he runs into a light standard. Next scene: he's a lab technician working with nitrogen. He drinks a strange liquid] Until one day, the derpa derpa derpaderp. [Rob is shown dancing like a monkey on the street] Derp de derp. [he's in a house begging like a dog in front of a woman] da teedily dumb.
Rob Schneider
[rises a bit, then starts falling backwards down the stairs] Whoa! [hits the ground floor landing]
Announcer
From the creators of Der, and Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too, Rob Schneider is Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb. Rated PG-13.
The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle is studying. Stan approaches him with a stack of papers.
Stan
Here. Look, Kyle. I found tons of testimonials on the Internet saying that John Edward has the entire studio wired to hear what people are talking about before the show. And, he pays actors to be plants in the audience.
Kyle
You're just jealous he's a better psychic than you.
Stan
Fine, I give up! You wanna stay in New York?! Then go ahead! [throws the stack away and leaves. He reaches the front doors, opens them, and is face-to-face with John Edward]
John Edward
So, you think you can talk to dead people better than me, huh?!
Stan
No, I don't think either one of us can. [Kyle gets up from his seat and leaves the room]
John Edward
They told me your show is getting better ratings than mine, that you're saying I'm a fraud on your show! You'd better not ever call me a liar, or a fake, or a douche again, or else I'll sue you for slander!
Stan
I'm saying this to you, John Edward, you are a liar, you are a fake, and you are the biggest douche ever!
John Edward
Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?!
Stan
Because the big questions in life are tough: Why are we here? Where are we from? Where are we going? But if people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never gonna find the real answer to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!
John Edward
I'M NOT A DOUCHE! And I challenge you to a psychic showdown! I'll prove to the world that I'm psychic and you're not!
Stan
Fine, douche! [slams one door on him...]
John Edward
I'm not a douche! [...then the other]
The McElroy manor, night. Kenny's spirit is now in the living room flitting about. Thomas enters with a broom, swinging it around to capture it somehow.
Thomas
Well come on, the soul's in here! It can't escape now. [Liane and Chef enter the room] It's goin' to the light! Unfortunately, it's the livin' room light.
Nelle
I'll open a window, you try to chase it out, Thomas.
Thomas
Go on now, soul now!
Nelle
Here, spirit, come out the window. [opens a window] I'll give you tree-fiddy. [holds out some money for the spirit]
Thomas
Now don't go offerin' the soul no tree-fiddy, woman!
Nelle
I'm just tryin' to persuade it.
Thomas
Well I know, but you can at least start at about two quarter or somethin' [the spirit comes out of the light and flits out of the living room] Aw Christmas, there it goes again!
Nelle
[drops the money] It's headin' for the kitchen! Aw, Thomas, the pot roast! [heads for the kitchen after the spirit]
The McElroy manor, kitchen. Kenny's spirit flits in and bounces around the kitchen. The adults enter, hot on its trail.
Thomas
Over here!
Liane
Get it down.
Nelle
Don't let it get in the roast! [the spirit moves over the roast. The others move with it, but the spirit dives into the pot roast, making it bounce. The adults crowd in and look at the pot roast]
Thomas
Oh. Well. I guess the child's a pot roast now.
Chef
What do we do with it now?
Nelle
[turns around to get something] Well I'll wrap it up with some plastic wrap so you can take it home with ya. Should last a few months in the freezer. [turns around with a box of Saran Wrap]
Cartman
[entering refreshed] Hey, ah I feel a lot better.
Chef
Eric, you're okay! [the others gather around him. Liane kneels to hug him]
Liane
Oh, baby, your time is back!
Nelle
[lays a hand on Cartman's head and pronounces] This child is clean.
The John Edward studio.
Announcer
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's "Psychic Showdown." Here are John Edward, and Stan Marsh. [both of them enter and get on stage. The studio audience applauds]
John Edward
Thank you. [the applause dies down. He turns to Stan] Alright, asshole! I know you're here to try to throw me off, so go ahead. Give me your best shot!
Stan
No, I don't wanna talk to you. I wanna talk to the audience.
John Edward
Wah-why?
Stan
You see, I learned something today. At first I thought you were all just stupid, listening to this douche's advice, but now I understand that you're all here because you're scared. You're scared of death and he offers you some kind of understanding. You all want to believe in it so much, I know you do. You find comfort in the thought that your loved ones are floating around trying to talk to you, but think about it: Is that really what you want? To just be floating around after you die, having to talk to this asshole? [the audience is listening] We need to recognize this stuff for what it is: magic tricks. Because whatever's really going on in life and in death is much more amazing than this douche. [more audience listening, reflection. Kyle is present. One man claps, then others clap with him, then murmurs are heard]
Audience Members
Yes. Right. Yeah. [John looks angrily at Stan]
Kyle
[now next to Stan with fake beard in hand] You're right, Stan. My Grandma isn't floating around, judging me and watching what I do. She's dead. Dead and gone forever.
Stan
Yeah.
John Edward
But I do have a special power! I know I do!
Stan
There's nothing special about you, dude. Get over yourself.
John Edward
God-damnit, I'm special!! [a rumble is heard, the studio shakes, and a bright light shines from above. John, Stan and Kyle look up in wonder]
Man 11
What the?
Woman 8
Aaaah! [the ceiling above the studio begins to crack, and a huge red spacecraft breaks through, descending to the ground. Stan and Kyle step back. The craft settles down and a door opens downward to become a staircase. Aliens appear and descend the stairs]
Lead Alien
[with two noses, and a pair of eyes for each nose. The eyes stick out like antennae] Greetings from the Jannex Galaxy. [the other aliens take a bow] We seek the great John Edward.
John Edward
Why that... that's me!
Lead Alien
Sir, it is an honor to meet you. [extends his... "hand"]
John Edward
[extends his hand and gives the alien a handshake] Well, thank you very much! [looks smugly at Stan]
Stan
No, it can't be.
Lead Alien
I am Quagmar, and this is the Intergalactic BDIU Committee. Mr. Edward, it is my honor to inform you that you have been nominated for Biggest Douche In the Universe! [the other aliens clap]
John Edward
What?!
Alien 2
[in purple robes, with yellow legs] You are the first nominee from the Milky Way Galaxy.
Alien 3
[with four arms] Congratulations!
Stan
Oh, dude! [smiles]
Alien 2
If you step into our plabpa feed, we'll give you a first-class ride to the awards show. [the aliens escort him into the spacecraft]
John Edward
No, wait! I'm not a douche! I make people feel good about themselves! [the door closes and the spacecraft takes off] I give people resolution! [the craft is seen going straight up, then off in a random direction. Stan and Kyle look on, then they turn around]
Stan
Now do you people believe me?
Man 12
Well I don't know. How did Edward know my father died in March?
Denver International Airport, day. Cartman, Liane, and Chef exit the airport.
Cartman
God-damnit that was a long flight! I thought we'd never get out of stinky-ass smelly Scotland!
Liane
Oh it's so good to have you acting like yourself again, sweetie.
Chef
Well, come on. We'd better get Kenny back to his parents. Wait a minute. Who's got the pot roast?
Liane
I thought you got it.
Cartman
It's still at baggage claim!
Chef
Aw, damnit! Come on! [they go back into the airport] We've gotta find him! Kenny!
Commercial.
Announcer
Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor [he's seen dancing around on the red carpet on his way into the Chinese theater] who seemed to have it all, [now sitting at his desk counting his millions] until one day, he came across a pot roast, [standing in line at Denver International, he sees the pot roast on a table. The roast is labeled "Chef McElroy, South Park"] and his life changed forever. [he's taken the roast home and is carving it up and eating it. He senses something is wrong] Now he's sharing his body with an eight-year-old boy. [first, on a hobby elephant as the kids watch then, in Kenny's room getting dressed; then, waiting at the bus stop with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman] And he's about to find out [now getting on his desk and dancing] that being eight [now on all fours attempting to kiss Millie. Barbrady and partner show up; next, he's running down the street trying to escape the officers] ain't so great. [standing on the Kenny McCormick Memorial Square stage, suffers the same fate Kenny did back when Kathy Lee Gifford came to town - getting shot and then impaled on the South Park flag pole] Rob Schneider is KENNY! [title text and graphic come up] Rated PG-13.
Somewhere in space...
Announcer
Live, from the space station Xion, in the Vuntlin Galaxy. It's the Biggest Douche In the Universe Award! [title graphic comes up. Inside, one finds that this is the 478th Annual Award. The auditorium is huge, with two balcony levels]
Lion-head Alien
This year's nominees are...
Bee Alien
[yellow, with nine eyes, two large wings, and a mouth at the very top of the body] Quaglar the Destructor, Andromeda Galaxy, Planet J-11. [applause. A massive shackled green alien roars]
Lion-head Alien
Damanta Unit 5, J-Lax Galaxy, Planet Neeu. [a robot with a metallic sledgehammer]
Damanta Unit 5
Derrr. [hammers himself on the head with the sledgehammer]
Bee Alien
John Edward, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth. [some aliens around Edward start to cheer]
John Edward
I'm not a douche!
Lion-head Alien
And finally, Ursula, the giant douche [a douche bottle with applicator] from the Horsehead Nebula, Station J-12.
Bee Alien
And the winner for Biggest Douche In the Universe is... [opens the envelope and reads] It's John Edward, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth!
John Edward
[a lovely alien woman comes to take him to the stage] Uh no, come on now! [once on stage, he gets a beauty-pageant treatment, complete with banner over his shoulder saying "BIGGEST DOUCHE" and a crown]
Frankenstein Alien
Here he is, the Biggest Douche of the Universe! In all the galaxies, there's no bigger douche than you!

You've reached the top, the pinnacle of douchedom! Good going, douche. Your dreams have come true!

Announcer
Da derpa derpa derpaderp. Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb!
End of The Biggest Douche in the Universe


  615: "The Biggest Douche in the Universe" edit
Story Elements

John EdwardRob SchneiderJewleeardBiggest Douche in the Universe Committee • "The Biggest Douche in the Universe (song)"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Sixth Season