Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus/Script

General

Trivia

Images

Script

Extras

Watch Episode

"Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut/Script"

"Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus/Script"

"Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut/Script"

The official script for "Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus" was released by South Park Studios. It is located [[Media:{{{e}}}.pdf|here]]!

Cast

• Announcers 1 and 2
• Terrance
• Phillip
• Scott the Dick
• Judge
• Ugly Bob
• Celine Dion
• Sally
• Saddam Hussein
• Iraqi Soldiers
• American Soldiers
• Delivery Man
• Jury Forewoman

Script

Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
	South Park.
Announcer 1	Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage... will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.
	SPECIAL PRESENTATION APRIL FOOLS [A kazoo is heard.]'
Announcer 2	[Theme music plays.] Now, get ready for Canada's hottest action stars,
	Terrance and Phillip appear in turn.
Announcer 2	Terrance and Phillip in HBC's Movie of the Week:
	The title comes into view and a heavy bass thump is heard.
Announcer 2	Not Without My Anus. Based on a true story.
	Canadian Courthouse 10:18 A.M. Dramatic music plays as the camera zooms in on the courthouse.
Scott the Dick	Ladies and gentlemen, the case before you today is of a murderer. On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer and struck him repeatedly on the head with his hammer.
	He demonstrates this
Scott	That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance!
	Suspenseful notes play. Terrance farts and both he and Phillip laugh about it.
Phillip	Oh, Terrance! You farted in court!
Terrance	Yes, Phillip. I'm making a case for our defense. [They laugh again.]
Scott	[Approaching the displays.] All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt,
	A hole is seen on the left shoulder of Terrance's shirt. He quickly puts his right hand over it and looks around nervously.
Scott	a watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled, a haiku called, Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer. "Dr. O'Dwyer Time to have your head smashed in with my new hammer"
	Terrance is aghast at the mountain of evidence against him..
Scott	Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God! J'accuse, Terrance!
Terrance	Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?
Phillip	Yes, please.
	Terrance farts and has the jury laughing.
Terrance	That's called a monkey claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys!
Phillip	The monkey claw is smelly.
Judge	[Bangs his gavels twice.] Come on, get a move on. I ain't gettin' any younger up here.
Phillip	My sentiments exactly, Your Honor. I see from your actions that you're southern Canadian.
Judge	That is correct.
Phillip	Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is an innocent man. [Farts.]
Terrance	Oh, Phillip, now you farted during the closing argument!
Phillip	I have, haven't I, Terrance?
	He farts again. The jurors and Terrance laugh.
Scott	Your Honor, the defense is trying to make a mockery of this court! They think that farts are funny, but they're not! [Thumps the table.]
Judge	[Gavels] Sustained.
Phillip	Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is no more a murderer than you or me. He loves puppies and hates mean things. Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this?
	Shows a picture of Terrance feeding a llama. The jury is silent.
Phillip	Of course not. So in summation, find Terrance innocent. Or else he'll kill you.
	The jury gasps softly. Terrance and Phillip laugh.
Phillip	Just kidding.
	Terrance is laughing so hard he thumps the table twice.
Phillip	The defense rests!
	Phillip returns to his table, farting on Scott on the way over. The jurors and audience laugh.
Scott	Goddammit. That isn't funny!
Judge	Madame Foreperson, have you reached a verdict so we can get the hell outta here?!
Madame Foreperson	We have, Your Honor. We have found Terrance, in the above entitled action of murder against Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer--
	Terrance farts, then laughs. Phillip joins in.
Judge	You're gonna have to repeat that verdict because we have some flatulence issues.
Madame Foreperson	I said, we find--
	Terrance farts.
Madame Foreperson	We find Terrance--
	Terrance and Phillip fart.
Madame Foreperson	Not guilty!
Phillip	Did you hear that, Terrance? You're not guilty!
Terrance	Oh, Phillip, you saved me from the gas chamber.
	They look at each other for a moment, and laugh.
	Outside the courthouse. Terrance and Phillip descend the steps, which are lined with news crews ready to interrogate anyone who wants to talk.
Terrance	That sure was fun, Phillip. Let's go home and eat Kraft Dinner.
Phillip	Hear hear!
Scott	[Coming over.] Well, looks like you got away with it, Terrance and Phillip!
Phillip	Oh, hello, Scott. No hard feelings, right, old pal?
Scott	There are hard feelings! This isn't over! I'm going ta see to it that you both pay for what you've done! And do you know why??
Phillip	'Cause you're a dick?
Scott	No! Because I hate you! You think farting is sooo funny! Well it isn't!! Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy, and if I--
	Phillip farts; he and Terrance laugh.
Scott	Ugh! I hate you both! I've hated you ever since I could remember! I hate you, and I wish you both had cancer!
	The laughter stops quick.
Phillip	Cancer??
Scott	Yes! In the head!
Terrance	Head cancer??
Scott	This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip. You'll rue this day! [Leaves.]
Terrance	Wow, Scott really hates us, Phillip.
Phillip	Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
Terrance	[Wondering.] But we're not gay, Phillip.
Phillip	We're not? [The news crews leave.]
Terrance	Well, let us board the subway and return home. There we can eat Kraft Dinner!
Phillip	Yes. It's been a long day, and only Kraft dinner can calm my nerves.
	On the subway, Terrance and Phillip are alone. Phillip farts, and they both laugh.
Terrance	Say, Phillip, why does Scott always try to convict me of murder? He does it every week.
Phillip	He sure does seem to hate us. I wonder what he'll try to do next.
Terrance	God only knows.
Phillip	The subway certainly is wonderful, Terrance.
Terrance	It sure is. Let's look for treasure.
Phillip	Yes, let's look for treasure.
	This is a luxurious subway. There are compartments between the seats into which one may put belongings and such. Terrance opens the compartment to his left, and Phillip the one to his right. Phillip then opens the one to his left and they both look in.
	Scott's House 11:57 A.M. The phone rings and Scott answers.
Scott	Hello?
Voice	Hello, Is this Scott, from Canada?
Scott	Yess, yes it is.
Voice	You're a Journalist, right?
Scott	Yes. I'm a television critic for a magazine.
Voice	I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.
	The voice is in a dark room, seated in a high-backed chair, turned away from the camera.
Scott	Yes! Yes I do! They think that fart jokes are a sophisticated form of comedy, but they're not!
Voice	Well, what about I help you get rid of them once and for all?
Scott	Who is this?
Voice	Let's just say that I'm someone who can help you, if you help me.
	The chair swivels 'round and a familiar face appears...
Voice	Just call me your old pal, Saddam Hussein.
Scott	[Surprised.] Saddam Hussein?! The Iraqi dictator?
	A Republican Guard stands at either side of Saddam.
Saddam Hussein	Eeeeeeyy, relax guy! I'm just your average Joe. Take a rest!
Scott	What do you want?
Saddam	You want Terrance and Phillip out of Canada, I want you to bring me and my friends into Canada. That sounds like a fair trade, doesn't it? Super! Let's get started.
Scott	I'm not sure I should trust you.
Saddam	Eeeeeeyy, relax guy! Trust me!
	Saddam grins. Scott looks uncertain.
	Terrance and Phillip reach home.
Terrance	Well. It's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway, Phillip.
	Someone approaches.
Phillip	Oh. Hello, Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob	Hello, Terrance. Hello, Phillip.
Terrance	My God, you're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob	How can you guys say stuff like that?
Terrance	Because you're God-damned ugly, Bob.
Ugly Bob	I know, but--
Phillip	Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver.
Ugly Bob	I can't help how I look. Besides, it's not what on the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside.
Terrance	No it isn't. [They laugh.] Wanna see what's on the inside of me?
	Terrance farts. They laugh about it. Bob is unfazed.
Phillip	Wait wait. I've got an idea. Why don't you put this paper bag over your head, Ugly Bob?
Terrance	Yes.
	Phillip slips the bag over Bob's head.
Terrance	If people can't see your face, they won't know how wretchedly ugly you are.
Ugly Bob	Really? Hey, thanks, you guys. Maybe now I can score with chicks.
Terrance	Sure you can, Ugly Bob. If they can't see how horribly disfigured you are, they'll want to sleep with you.
Ugly Bob	Thanks, you guys.
	They part ways.
	Terrance and Phillip's House 12:20 P.M.
Phillip	Hello Barky. Hello Purry.
Barky	Bark, bark.
Purry	Purr, purr.
Phillip	Say Terrance, I was just aboat to make some Kraft Dinner. Would you like some?
Terrance	You know I never turn down Kroff Dinner, Phillip.
	Terrance farts. He and the animals laugh.
Terrance	I'm going to put on a pirate costume.
	Terrance goes to his room. The door bell rings. Phillip opens the door.
Delivery Man	Special delivery for Terrance.
	He smokes a pipe. The delivery is a letter.
Phillip	I'll take that.
Delivery Man	Sign here, and here, and here, and here, and here. [Signs all the forms.] And here. [Signs the last one.]
Phillip	Ooh, Terrannce! [The delivery man leaves.] You got a letter!
Terrance	[Now dressed as a pirate.] Shiver me timbers, Phillip! At this rate I'll never get to my Kraft Dinner! [Reads the letter.] Oh my God!
Phillip	What is it, Terrance? Did you fart?
Terrance	No! It's Sally. She's being held captive in Iran.
Phillip	Not Sally! Dear God, no, Terrance! Why Sally?! God, why?! Say, Terrance, who's Sally?
Terrance	My daughter.
Phillip	I never know you had a daughter, Terrance.
Terrance	Oh, yes. Didn't I mention that, me hearty?
Phillip	Nno, you never did, Terrance.
Terrance	Oh. Well. It all began fif-teen years ago.
	44 HOURS LATER...
Phillip	My God, what a fascinating story, Terrance. Especially the part aboot Celine Dion.
Terrance	Yes, indeed. [Takes off the hat.] But now my little Sally is being held captive in Iran. [Takes off the eye patch.] And I will have to go and find her.
Phillip	Then I'll go with you, Terrance.
Terrance	You're such a good friend, Phillip.
Phillip	Well, you know what they say: A friend in need is a friend with Kraft Dinner.
Terrance	Avast there, mateys!
	Celine Dion's House 1:15 P.M. Terrance arrives and rings the doorbell.
Terrance	Hello, Celine Dion.
Celine Dion	Terrance! This is quite a surprise!
Terrance	You're looking well.
Celine Dion	And you.
Terrance	Celine, where is our daughter, Sally?
Celine Dion	She's in the Middle East, studying anthropology. Why?
Terrance	Wrong! She's been taken hostage, and is now being held prisoner.
Celine Dion	What?!
Terrance	Phillip and I are going to Iran to find her, but we may never return.
Celine Dion	[Gasps.] Oh, Terrance. What happened to us?
Terrance	We just grew apart, Celine Dion. [He turns to leave.]
Celine Dion	Please, bring our daughter home safe, Terrance.
	He farts and they both laugh.
	Canadian Airport 11:05 A.M. Terrance and Phillip are there to purchase tickets to Iran.
Phillip	Hello, Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob	Hi, guys.
Terrance	How's the paper bag working out?
Ugly Bob	People seem to really like it. I even have a date this Friday.
Terrance	Terrific! We need two tickets for Tehran, please.
Ugly Bob	Tehran is dangerous. You guys shouldn't go there!
Phillip	Dammit man! [Bangs on the counter.] Danger or no, I'm going to help my friend find his daughter!!
	Terrance laughs nervously.
Ugly Bob	All right, then. There's a flight leaving today.
Phillip	Oh good. Well, I certainly am going to miss Canada, Terrance.
Terrance	In-deed, Phillip.
Phillip	Terrance, if I die whilst in Iran, please bring my body back to Canada, and bury me in a box with a side of Kraft Dinner.
Terrance	Same here, Phillip!
Phillip	O Ca-nada, Our home and native land,
Terrance/Phillip	True patriot love, In all thy sons' command,
Small Group	[Terrance, Phillip, Ugly Bob, and two others] With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
Middling Group	[Four more...] The True North, strong and free
Larger Group	[The folks at the kiosk join in.] From far and wide, O Canada, We stand on guard for thee,
Crowd	God keep our land...
	Scott peeks out from behind a corner, talking to Saddam on a cell phone.
Scott	Scott to Red Dragon, come in, Red Dragon.
Saddam	Go ahead, guy. This is Red Dragon.
Scott	The plan is working perfectly. Terrance and Phillip have taken the bait.
Saddam	Excellent! My buddies and I are ready to come to Canada. Has everything been arranged?
Scott	Yes. Everything's proceeding according to plan. Now you promised that when Terrance and Phillip arrive they'll be ripped into pieces and shot several times.
Saddam	Hey, relax, guy. I'm gonna keep my side of the bargain.
Scott	Roger, Red Dragon. Scott out.
	He puts the phone away.
Scott	[To himself.] I've got you now, you fart-lovin' fart-lovers.
	On the flight to Tehran, Terrance and Phillip leave British Columbia, fly over the western and southwestern U.S., and over the Gulf of Mexico. Over the Yucatan Peninsula Terrance farts, they laugh, and the plane turns towards the Atlantic.
Terrance	I Got Ya.
	They laugh again. Over the Pyrenees, Phillip farts, the plane moves towards North Africa, then turns again for Italy.
Phillip	Burned your face.
	The plane heads for Egypt, where another fart forces it towards the Black Sea. Once they cross it, another fart forces the plane to cross the Black Sea again...
Terrance	Ow, that's rancid! hahahahaha.
	It then turns towards Iran when it is in southern Turkey. It lands in...
	Tehran 2:30 P.M. Terrance and Phillip walk among the crowds in the city.
Terrance	Oh, Phillip. How will we ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place? We don't speak the language, we are unwelcome strangers, and we have no idea where to begin.
Phillip	Oh, look. There she is.
	He points at a girl wearing a yellow dress and pink bow - not Arab dress in the least.
Terrance	Oh, good.
	They make their way to her.
Sally	Goo. Where?
Terrance	I'm here, Sally. It's your father, Terrance.
	He picks her up in his arms.
Terrance	I'm here to save you from your smelly Arabian captors.
Sally	Pa-pa.
Phillip	Say, she looks a lot more like Celine Dion than you, Terrance.
	Sally farts.
Phillip	Oooh, now I see the resemblance!
Terrance	Well, enough of Iran, let's get home.
	On the flight home she farts again and Terrance and Phillip laugh.
	Canadian Airport 3:45 P.M. The plane lands.
Terrance	Well, now that I have my bastard daughter back, I feel like going to Celine Dion's house and asking her to marry me again.
Phillip	Oh, raspberries, looks like I'm losing a friend.
Terrance	No, you're gaining a pop vocalist.
	Phillip notices something.
Phillip	Oh my God! [Terrance looks.] What is this?!
	There are pictures of Saddam Hussein plastered all over the city, and ominous music plays.
Phillip	Is this Canada?
Terrance	It seems to have changed.
Phillip	This is madness!
Terrance	What's going on, Phillip? How can Canada have changed so much whilst we were gone?
Phillip	I don't know, Terrance. And who is that smelly person in all these pictures?
Terrance	I must take my bastard daughter back to Celine Dion and see what she has to say.
	Celine Dion's House 4:02 P.M. Terrance and Phillip arrive with Sally. Terrance knocks, and Celine opens the door.
Terrance	Celine, I brought our daughter Sally back, and I want to tell you that--
Celine Dion	Terrance, ha, could you come back a little later?
Terrance	Why?!
Celine Dion	Ah, I'm just a little busy right now.
Terrance	You've got a man over, don't you, Celine Dion?!
Celine Dion	Well, I...
	Ugly Bob comes out behind her.
Ugly Bob	Hi guys.
Phillip	Oh my God, it's Ugly Bob!!
Terrance	What the hell are you doing here?!
Ugly Bob	I'm doing Celine Dion; what's it look like?
Terrance	Oh, Celine Dion, what have you done? I was going to make us a family again, but now you've slept with Ugly Bob!
Celine Dion	What do you mean? Why are you calling him "Ugly Bob"?
Phillip	Because that's his name, you stupid bitch!
	She turns to Ugly Bob.
Celine Dion	You told me your name Handsome Bob!!
Terrance	Look at him, Celine Dion!
	Terrance pulls the bag off.
Celine Dion	Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhh!!!
Phillip	Behold his horrible face!
Celine Dion	Oh my God, he's hideously ugly! And I am pregnant with his child!
Terrance	What?! Nooooooooooooooooo!!
Celine Dion	I'm going to have a freak baby!!
Phillip	Ohh, the humanity!!
	Saddam Hussein's Canadian HQ. 4:03 P.M. Scott enters the cabin.
Scott	Hey, Saddam. You helped me get rid of Terrance and Phillip, and I appreciate that, but why are framed pictures of you going up all over Canada?
Saddam	Huh? Oh that? Don't worry, guy, you just need a rest.
Scott	...No I don't need a rest!! I want to know what this is all aboot!
Saddam	Hey, relax, fella. I'm just making it so that Terrance and Phillip can never come back to Canada again. I just need a couple of days, and then I'm gonna head back to Iran.
Scott	I thought you were from Iraq.
Saddam	Iran, Iraq, what the hell's the difference? Relax, guy!
	Downtown Canada 4:04 P.M. Saddam's troops are filing past the buildings as Terrance and Phillip look on. Terrance farts and the two laugh.
Terrance	Phillip, I'm convinced that something very very not good is happening to Canada.
Phillip	Yes. I agree whole-fartedly.
	They laugh. Scott rushes up to them.
Scott	Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?
Terrance	Oh, hello, Scott.
Scott	You're not supposed to be here, you're supposed to be in Iran looking for your kidnapped--
	Puts left hand to mouth.
Scott	Ah, I mean, how are you guys today?
Phillip	Wait, what were you saying?
Scott	Nothing, why?
Terrance	Hey, Scott. Guess what?
Scott	What?
	Terrance farts and they laugh.
Scott	Aargh! I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both!
	He then puts his fists forth and concentrates mightily on them. They simply stand back.
Phillip	What are you doing, Scott?
Scott	I'm wishing cancer upon you.
Phillip	Cancer?!!
Scott	That's right. I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind.
Terrance	Ooh, stop that!
	He grabs Phillip as a shield, then pulls him back.
Phillip	Hey, don't give me cancer!
	Scott advances.
	Saddam Hussein's Canadian HQ. 4:05 P.M. Two U.S. Army Officials arrive.
U.S. Army Official	Mr. Hussein, the U.S. Government is becoming worried.
Saddam	Worried? Aboot what? Take a load off, relax!
U.S. Army Official	You seem to be... taking over Canada.
Saddam	Taking over Canada? Me? Eeeyy, you need a rest, fella. I'm not hiding any bombs.
U.S. Army Official	We didn't say anything about bombs.
Saddam	Oh. You didn't? Heeyy, relax!
U.S. Army Official	We're giving you just three years to clear your forces out of Canada, and after that, we're gonna bomb all of Iran.
Saddam	I'm from Iraq.
U.S. Army Official	Iran, Iraq, what's the difference?
	The officials leave.
Guard on Right	Euugh. I hate Americans. Please, let me kill them!
Saddam	No, no. You need to relax, guy. Remember the plan: first we take over Canada, then we'll have to go after the female pop vocalist. After that, we'll take over the U.S., then Europe, then China, then Newfoundland, then the world!
	He laughs wickedly and rolls all over his desk.
Scott	[Returning.] What's so funny!
Saddam	Nothing! Relax, brother.
Scott	Saddam, Terrance and Phillip are back in Canada!
Saddam	Oh, really?
Scott	You promised me they'd be gone for good! That was your part of the bargain!
Saddam	[Thumps his desk.] I changed my mind! [Thumps his desk again.] Pray that I don't change it any further!
	The guard on the right cocks his machine gun and Scott is chagrined.
Scott	This deal's getting worse all the time.
	Terrance and Phillip's House 4:06 P.M. They are at home eating Kroff Dinner on the sofa.
Phillip	Hey, Terrance, let's watch American television.
Terrance	Yes. We can get satellite feed from the U.S. and watch all their stupid T.V. shows.
Phillip	Oh look. Here's a show. [Jerry Springer.]
Woman 1	...well fuck you.
Woman 2	Arrrggghh! [Lunges at woman 1.]
Springer	And this is what life would be like...
Terrance	It's so stupid!
Phillip	Goddamn, their TV shows are lame!
	The next show they see is South Park.
Mephesto	The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is--
	Terrance and Phillip laugh over the line.
Phillip	Look at their silly American heads.
Terrance	They look like groundhogs.
Cartman	He's my father?!
	Phillip clicks a new channel.
Anchor	And in other news it appears that Saddam Hussein has finally signed an agreement to let the U.S. inspect his military operations. When asked if he would uphold his side of the agreement, Hussein replied, quote: "Hey, relax, fella. You need a rest, guy."
Terrance	Hey, Phillip. Isn't that the smelly gentleman we've seen in pictures all over town?
Phillip	Yes it is, Terrance. According to that newsie, he's some kind of Turkish dictator.
Terrance	Well, we just can't sit here and eat Kraft Dinner and let Canada be overrun by the Turks!
	The phone rings, and they laugh.
Phillip	That fart sounded like a ringing phone, Terrance.
Terrance	It sure did, Phillip.
	The phone rings again, and Terrance looks.
Terrance	Oh, wait. That is the phone.
	He sets his plate aside and gets up to answer it.
Terrance	Hello?
Scott	Terrance, this is Scott.
Terrance	Oh. [To Phillip.] Hey, it's Scott.
	He covers the receiver while Phillip answers.
Phillip	Tell him he's a smelly bastard.
Terrance	Phillip says hello, Scott.
Scott	Just shut up and listen. You've unleashed a monster onto Canada! And only you can get rid of him, even though I hate you, and I wish you had cancer.
Terrance	You are such a dick, Scott.
Scott	You're a dick.
Terrance	You're a dick.
Scott	You're a dick.
Terrance	You're a dick.
Scott	You're a dick.
Terrance	You're a dick.
Scott	[Pause.] You're a dick.
Terrance	You're a dick.
Scott	The two of you are the most annoying dicks in Canada! You give other Canadians a bad name! And if I had my hair-
Terrance	I'm sorry, Scott. Could you hold on a minute?
Scott	Sure.
	Terrance raises his left leg, places the receiver between his legs, and farts on it. He and Phillip laugh as he lowers his leg.
Terrance	How do you like that, Scott?!
Scott	You son of a bitch! I'll get you if it's the last thin--
Terrance	Oh wait, I have another call on, Scott. Can you hold on?
Scott	Sure.
	Terrance raises his left leg, places the receiver between his legs, and farts on it. He lowers his leg and resumes talking.
Terrance	Oh, that was Sir Smelly. He says 'hello.'
Scott	Goddammit!
Terrance	Oh, wait a second, Scott.
Scott	Sure.
	Terrance raises his left leg...
Scott	I mean, no! You listen to me! If you want to save Canada, you'll meet me at Karl's Kroff Dinner Restaurant in half an hour! [Hangs up.]
	Celine Dion's House 4:07 P.M. Celine Dion and Ugly Bob are back in bed.
Celine Dion	Oh, Ugly Bob, I'm so confused. I love your personality, but you are so wretchedly ugly.
	She puffs on a cigarette.
Ugly Bob	Maybe the baby will have your face instead of mine.
Celine Dion	We can only hope. I suppose we'll be okay as long as you keep that bag on your head.
	Three Republican Guards burst through the bedroom door, and Saddam follows.
Celine Dion	What's this?! [Gasps.]
Saddam	He-yy there. I'm Saddam Hussein. I'm a big fan of Polo. I've been searching a long time for you, Celine Dion.
Ugly Bob	Oh no, you don't. She's my bitch.
Saddam	Eh! Who are you?
Ugly Bob	I'm Bob. But my friends call me Ugly Bob, because I have the features of a deformed burn victim.
Saddam	Really? I thought all Canadians looked alike. Let me see.
	Bob takes off the bag and everybody in the room screams.
Saddam	Well, I'm sorry, guy. You know, I could cure that face of yours.
	Bob and Celine now look at him.
Ugly Bob	You can?
Saddam	Sure! I just need a favor. There is a Canadian football game tomorrow: the Ottawa Roughriders vs. the Vancouver Roughriders. It is at that game that I will officially turn the Canadian flag over to my Iranian one.
Celine Dion	What?! Why?!
Saddam	Hey! Don't worry about that. Take a load off, don't worry about it! Look over here! ...All I need is for Celine Dion to sing our Iranian national anthem at the game - to finalize my hostile takeover of Canada. What do you say?
Ugly Bob	Did you say, "hostile takeover of Canada"?
Saddam	No, no, relax there, fella!
	Celine takes another bag and places it over Bob's head.
	Karl's Kroff Dinner Palace 4:36 P.M. Terrance and Phillip are there. So are some pictures of Saddam.
Terrance	Well, Scott said to meet him here, but he's not showing up!
	Phillip farts and they laugh.
Phillip	Well, while we're waiting, why don't we search for treasure?
Terrance	Oh. Good idea. Let's search for treasure.
	Phillip looks around, but Terrance ends up looking at his feet.
Scott	[Arrives.] What are you idiots doing?!
Terrance	We're looking for treasure!
Scott	Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?
Phillip	No, we're searching for treasure.
Scott	Listen. I have an inside scoop. There's an Iraqi dictotor who is quietly and slowly taking over Canada.
Terrance	Yes. You mean Saddam Smelly. We saw him on the telly.
Scott	Well, what are you two gonna do aboat it?
Phillip	What do you mean?
Scott	It's your fault that he's here! You brought the Iraqis back with you on your plane when you rescued your kidnapped daughter! [they gasp.]
Phillip	You mean, we are to blame?!
Scott	That's right. And now you must make amends. Tomorrow, Saddam will try to finalize his takeover of Canada, at the Roughriders-Roughriders football game. It will be your only shot at wiping them all out. Here, take this.
	He hands him a box with a watch face on it.
Phillip	What is this?
Scott	It's a bomb. You must strap it to yourselves, go to the game, and sacrifice your lives to take out Saddam's minions.
Terrance	That plan's scary!
Scott	Well, you must do it for Canada.
Phillip	For Canada, Terrance.
	A display of solidarity begins. He puts his arm behind Terrance.
Terrance	For Canada, Phillip.
	Terrance puts his arm behind Phillip. Then they let go and leave.
Scott	Yes, Terrance and Phillip. And when the dust is settled, Canada will be rid of both: the Iraqis and your immature fart humor.
	Terrance and Phillip's House 12:20 P.M.
Terrance	Well. Phillip, I am very sad that we have to die for Canada.
Phillip	Yes. This bomb will blow us both to smithereens. But we really have no choice. Only our deaths can bring Canada life.
	Terrance farts, and they laugh.
Terrance	That's funny!
Phillip	Hey! Wait a minute. That fart gives me pause.
Terrance	Why is that?
Phillip	That smelly Saddam Hussein. He uses germ and chemical warfare, does he not?
Terrance	Yes. Apparently, he does.
Phillip	Terrance! Get the phone book! We must call every Canadian we can!
Terrance	Oh, Phillip. It sounds like you have an idea.
Phillip	I do, Terrance.
	Phillip picks up the receiver and dials away... Barky comes up and farts, then leaves. Terrance and Phillip laugh.
	Canada Stadium 11:32 A.M.
Announcer	And the Roughriders are giving the Roughriders a run for their money! [Not if the score is valid: 28-7.] All else aside, I must say that the Roughriders [To his right.] are simply outmatched by these Roughriders [To his left. Red and blue Roughriders go after the football and time runs out. A horn blows and the referee blows his whistle.] And that's going to take us to halftime. Be sure to stick around for the halftime show: Saddam and the Electric Iraqis in a salute to hostile takeovers!
	A long platform is put together from two shorter ones, each one having half the Canadian flag. The flag is made whole when the platforms are put together. A band plays and walks across the field and the crowd cheers.
Terrance	Well, I guess it's time, old friend.
Phillip	Yes. Prepare the alert!
	Saddam climbs onto the platform with some difficulty, then rights himself and takes the microphone.
Saddam	Hello to my Canadian friends. Everybody relax. Take a rest. Lift your feet up. Those Dogs Are Barking.
	He waits for a reaction, but none comes.
Saddam	You may have noticed some changes to your country. Don't worry about that, the changes will continue. I'm here to announce once and for all that Canada will now be known as New Baghdad! Qoloh Qalah!
	A Canadian flag is taken down from its pole and an Iraqi one put up in its place. An Iraqi one is placed over the Canadian one on the platform. The audience gasps.
Saddam	You will bow down to me as your ruler! You will obey my laws or you will be killed!!
	Celine Dion and Ugly Bob are standing by as Saddam laughs derisively.
Saddam	And now you will sing the Iraqi national anthem!
	A guard nudges Celine towards the microphone with the tip of his machine gun.
Saddam	Or you will be stabbed in the head!
Celine Dion	Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht...
Terrance	Now, Phlllip?
Phlllip	Now, Terrance.
	He puts on his gas-mask while Terrance brings out a bugle and sounds the alert. Everyone in the stadium then puts on masks.
Saddam	Hey!! What the hell is this?!
	Celine puts on her mask.
Celine	Freh kashu kaliakaliakatchut...
	People all around the stadium turn around and start to drop trousers, and fart. One man stands on his hands, leaving his derriere high in the air with legs spread open. A brown cloud starts to form over the stadium and it descends into the gridiron. Saddam starts to gag.
Guard	They're using chemical warfare! How could they?!
	More brown clouds sweep across the field and seem to sweep Saddam along with them. He stumbles to the edge of the platform and the crowd cheers loudly. He finally falls and the clouds start to lift away. The Iraqi flag falls off the side of the platform as the people remove their masks and cheer some more.
Terrance	We did it, Phillip! We destroyed the Turks!
Phillip	Oh, Glorious Day!
	Some people come down and start kicking Saddam around. Bob and Celine take off their masks while holding hands. She takes her hand away and quickly places a paper bag on Bob's head. A woman takes Saddam's left arm, a man takes his head. Terrance and Phillip come down from their seats and rush to the platform, and all stadium seats are now empty. Terrance and Celine hold hands.
Celine Dion	Phillip, Terrance! You've saved Canada!
Terrance	Ooh, it was all Phillip's idea.
	They progress to full embrace.
Ugly Bob	God bless you, Phillip. [Embraces him.]
Phillip	[Pulls away.] Don't touch me, Ugly Bob!
Scott	[Walking up.] Hey! What the hell happened! You were supposed to be blown up!
Phillip	We came up with a better plan. You see, Scott, after all your criticism, it was farting that saved Canada!
Scott	Oh! That is so juvenile!
	Terrance and Celine have let go of each other.
Terrance	Hey, Scott, you like apples?
Scott	Of course!
Terrance	[Farts on him.] How do you like them apples? [Laughs heartily.]
Scott	I hate you, Terrance and Phillip!!! [Goes away.]
Terrance	Oh Celine Dion. You never finished that national anthem.
Celine Dion	You're right, Terrance. You're right.
	She walks forth and grabs the microphone
Celine Dion	O Canada, our home and native land,
	Celine, Terrance, Bob, Phillip, and people on the field
Crowd	True patriot love in all thy sons command
Large Crowd	With glowing hearts we see thee rise, the True North, strong and free,
	A man uses Saddam's head like that of a dummy and provides a falsetto for it. The words scroll across the scoreboard.
Crowd outside	From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee God keep our land glorious and free Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee
	The camera pulls away from the stadium, and then from Canada, as if on a plane. More crowds are seen, then some cabins, some mountains, and finally a moose.
Crowd	Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee
	The whole scene is now framed in a maple-leaf outline, with the moose in the center grazing. He looks up. When the anthem ends Terrance farts once more and laughs away. His laughter echoes.
	End credits roll and theme music plays.
Announcer 1	Who is Eric Cartman's father? Find out on an all new South Park, in just a few weeks.
End of Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus