Fandom

South Park Archives

Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus/Script

< Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus

3,443pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Comments0 Share

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.


The official script for "Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus
South Park.
Announcer 1
Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage... will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.
SPECIAL PRESENTATION
APRIL FOOLS
[A kazoo is heard.]'
Announcer 2
[Theme music plays.] Now, get ready for Canada's hottest action stars,
Terrance and Phillip appear in turn.
Announcer 2
Terrance and Phillip in HBC's Movie of the Week:
The title comes into view and a heavy bass thump is heard.
Announcer 2
Not Without My Anus. Based on a true story.
Canadian Courthouse 10:18 A.M. Dramatic music plays as the camera zooms in on the courthouse.
Scott the Dick
Ladies and gentlemen, the case before you today is of a murderer. On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer and struck him repeatedly on the head with his hammer.
He demonstrates this
Scott
That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance!
Suspenseful notes play. Terrance farts and both he and Phillip laugh about it.
Phillip
Oh, Terrance! You farted in court!
Terrance
Yes, Phillip. I'm making a case for our defense. [They laugh again.]
Scott
[Approaching the displays.] All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt,
A hole is seen on the left shoulder of Terrance's shirt. He quickly puts his right hand over it and looks around nervously.
Scott
a watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled, a haiku called, Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer.
"Dr. O'Dwyer

Time to have your head smashed in

with my new hammer"
Terrance is aghast at the mountain of evidence against him..
Scott
Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God! J'accuse, Terrance!
Terrance
Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?
Phillip
Yes, please.
Terrance farts and has the jury laughing.
Terrance
That's called a monkey claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys!
Phillip
The monkey claw is smelly.
Judge
[Bangs his gavels twice.] Come on, get a move on. I ain't gettin' any younger up here.
Phillip
My sentiments exactly, Your Honor. I see from your actions that you're southern Canadian.
Judge
That is correct.
Phillip
Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is an innocent man. [Farts.]
Terrance
Oh, Phillip, now you farted during the closing argument!
Phillip
I have, haven't I, Terrance?
He farts again. The jurors and Terrance laugh.
Scott
Your Honor, the defense is trying to make a mockery of this court! They think that farts are funny, but they're not! [Thumps the table.]
Judge
[Gavels] Sustained.
Phillip
Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is no more a murderer than you or me. He loves puppies and hates mean things. Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this?
Shows a picture of Terrance feeding a llama. The jury is silent.
Phillip
Of course not. So in summation, find Terrance innocent. Or else he'll kill you.
The jury gasps softly. Terrance and Phillip laugh.
Phillip
Just kidding.
Terrance is laughing so hard he thumps the table twice.
Phillip
The defense rests!
Phillip returns to his table, farting on Scott on the way over. The jurors and audience laugh.
Scott
Goddammit. That isn't funny!
Judge
Madame Foreperson, have you reached a verdict so we can get the hell outta here?!
Madame Foreperson
We have, Your Honor. We have found Terrance, in the above entitled action of murder against Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer--
Terrance farts, then laughs. Phillip joins in.
Judge
You're gonna have to repeat that verdict because we have some flatulence issues.
Madame Foreperson
I said, we find--
Terrance farts.
Madame Foreperson
We find Terrance--
Terrance and Phillip fart.
Madame Foreperson
Not guilty!
Phillip
Did you hear that, Terrance? You're not guilty!
Terrance
Oh, Phillip, you saved me from the gas chamber.
They look at each other for a moment, and laugh.
Outside the courthouse. Terrance and Phillip descend the steps, which are lined with news crews ready to interrogate anyone who wants to talk.
Terrance
That sure was fun, Phillip. Let's go home and eat Kraft Dinner.
Phillip
Hear hear!
Scott
[Coming over.] Well, looks like you got away with it, Terrance and Phillip!
Phillip
Oh, hello, Scott. No hard feelings, right, old pal?
Scott
There are hard feelings! This isn't over! I'm going ta see to it that you both pay for what you've done! And do you know why??
Phillip
'Cause you're a dick?
Scott
No! Because I hate you! You think farting is sooo funny! Well it isn't!! Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy, and if I--
Phillip farts; he and Terrance laugh.
Scott
Ugh! I hate you both! I've hated you ever since I could remember! I hate you, and I wish you both had cancer!
The laughter stops quick.
Phillip
Cancer??
Scott
Yes! In the head!
Terrance
Head cancer??
Scott
This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip. You'll rue this day! [Leaves.]
Terrance
Wow, Scott really hates us, Phillip.
Phillip
Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
Terrance
[Wondering.] But we're not gay, Phillip.
Phillip
We're not? [The news crews leave.]
Terrance
Well, let us board the subway and return home. There we can eat Kraft Dinner!
Phillip
Yes. It's been a long day, and only Kraft dinner can calm my nerves.
On the subway, Terrance and Phillip are alone. Phillip farts, and they both laugh.
Terrance
Say, Phillip, why does Scott always try to convict me of murder? He does it every week.
Phillip
He sure does seem to hate us. I wonder what he'll try to do next.
Terrance
God only knows.
Phillip
The subway certainly is wonderful, Terrance.
Terrance
It sure is. Let's look for treasure.
Phillip
Yes, let's look for treasure.
This is a luxurious subway. There are compartments between the seats into which one may put belongings and such. Terrance opens the compartment to his left, and Phillip the one to his right. Phillip then opens the one to his left and they both look in.
Scott's House 11:57 A.M. The phone rings and Scott answers.
Scott
Hello?
Voice
Hello, Is this Scott, from Canada?
Scott
Yess, yes it is.
Voice
You're a Journalist, right?
Scott
Yes. I'm a television critic for a magazine.
Voice
I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.
The voice is in a dark room, seated in a high-backed chair, turned away from the camera.
Scott
Yes! Yes I do! They think that fart jokes are a sophisticated form of comedy, but they're not!
Voice
Well, what about I help you get rid of them once and for all?
Scott
Who is this?
Voice
Let's just say that I'm someone who can help you, if you help me.
The chair swivels 'round and a familiar face appears...
Voice
Just call me your old pal, Saddam Hussein.
Scott
[Surprised.] Saddam Hussein?! The Iraqi dictator?
A Republican Guard stands at either side of Saddam.
Saddam Hussein
Eeeeeeyy, relax guy! I'm just your average Joe. Take a rest!
Scott
What do you want?
Saddam
You want Terrance and Phillip out of Canada, I want you to bring me and my friends into Canada. That sounds like a fair trade, doesn't it? Super! Let's get started.
Scott
I'm not sure I should trust you.
Saddam
Eeeeeeyy, relax guy! Trust me!
Saddam grins. Scott looks uncertain.
Terrance and Phillip reach home.
Terrance
Well. It's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway, Phillip.
Someone approaches.
Phillip
Oh. Hello, Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob
Hello, Terrance. Hello, Phillip.
Terrance
My God, you're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob
How can you guys say stuff like that?
Terrance
Because you're God-damned ugly, Bob.
Ugly Bob
I know, but--
Phillip
Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver.
Ugly Bob
I can't help how I look. Besides, it's not what on the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside.
Terrance
No it isn't. [They laugh.] Wanna see what's on the inside of me?
Terrance farts. They laugh about it. Bob is unfazed.
Phillip
Wait wait. I've got an idea. Why don't you put this paper bag over your head, Ugly Bob?
Terrance
Yes.
Phillip slips the bag over Bob's head.
Terrance
If people can't see your face, they won't know how wretchedly ugly you are.
Ugly Bob
Really? Hey, thanks, you guys. Maybe now I can score with chicks.
Terrance
Sure you can, Ugly Bob. If they can't see how horribly disfigured you are, they'll want to sleep with you.
Ugly Bob
Thanks, you guys.
They part ways.
Terrance and Phillip's House 12:20 P.M.
Phillip
Hello Barky. Hello Purry.
Barky
Bark, bark.
Purry
Purr, purr.
Phillip
Say Terrance, I was just aboat to make some Kraft Dinner. Would you like some?
Terrance
You know I never turn down Kroff Dinner, Phillip.
Terrance farts. He and the animals laugh.
Terrance
I'm going to put on a pirate costume.
Terrance goes to his room. The door bell rings. Phillip opens the door.
Delivery Man
Special delivery for Terrance.
He smokes a pipe. The delivery is a letter.
Phillip
I'll take that.
Delivery Man
Sign here, and here, and here, and here, and here. [Signs all the forms.] And here. [Signs the last one.]
Phillip
Ooh, Terrannce! [The delivery man leaves.] You got a letter!
Terrance
[Now dressed as a pirate.] Shiver me timbers, Phillip! At this rate I'll never get to my Kraft Dinner! [Reads the letter.] Oh my God!
Phillip
What is it, Terrance? Did you fart?
Terrance
No! It's Sally. She's being held captive in Iran.
Phillip
Not Sally! Dear God, no, Terrance! Why Sally?! God, why?! Say, Terrance, who's Sally?
Terrance
My daughter.
Phillip
I never know you had a daughter, Terrance.
Terrance
Oh, yes. Didn't I mention that, me hearty?
Phillip
Nno, you never did, Terrance.
Terrance
Oh. Well. It all began fif-teen years ago.
44 HOURS LATER...
Phillip
My God, what a fascinating story, Terrance. Especially the part aboot Celine Dion.
Terrance
Yes, indeed. [Takes off the hat.] But now my little Sally is being held captive in Iran. [Takes off the eye patch.] And I will have to go and find her.
Phillip
Then I'll go with you, Terrance.
Terrance
You're such a good friend, Phillip.
Phillip
Well, you know what they say: A friend in need is a friend with Kraft Dinner.
Terrance
Avast there, mateys!
Celine Dion's House 1:15 P.M. Terrance arrives and rings the doorbell.
Terrance
Hello, Celine Dion.
Celine Dion
Terrance! This is quite a surprise!
Terrance
You're looking well.
Celine Dion
And you.
Terrance
Celine, where is our daughter, Sally?
Celine Dion
She's in the Middle East, studying anthropology. Why?
Terrance
Wrong! She's been taken hostage, and is now being held prisoner.
Celine Dion
What?!
Terrance
Phillip and I are going to Iran to find her, but we may never return.
Celine Dion
[Gasps.] Oh, Terrance. What happened to us?
Terrance
We just grew apart, Celine Dion. [He turns to leave.]
Celine Dion
Please, bring our daughter home safe, Terrance.
He farts and they both laugh.
Canadian Airport 11:05 A.M. Terrance and Phillip are there to purchase tickets to Iran.
Phillip
Hello, Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob
Hi, guys.
Terrance
How's the paper bag working out?
Ugly Bob
People seem to really like it. I even have a date this Friday.
Terrance
Terrific! We need two tickets for Tehran, please.
Ugly Bob
Tehran is dangerous. You guys shouldn't go there!
Phillip
Dammit man! [Bangs on the counter.] Danger or no, I'm going to help my friend find his daughter!!
Terrance laughs nervously.
Ugly Bob
All right, then. There's a flight leaving today.
Phillip
Oh good. Well, I certainly am going to miss Canada, Terrance.
Terrance
In-deed, Phillip.
Phillip
Terrance, if I die whilst in Iran, please bring my body back to Canada, and bury me in a box with a side of Kraft Dinner.
Terrance
Same here, Phillip!
Phillip

O Ca-nada,
Our home and native land,

Terrance/Phillip

True patriot love,
In all thy sons' command,

Small Group
[Terrance, Phillip, Ugly Bob, and two others]

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,

Middling Group
[Four more...]

The True North, strong and free

Larger Group
[The folks at the kiosk join in.]

From far and wide, O Canada,
We stand on guard for thee,

Crowd

God keep our land...

Scott peeks out from behind a corner, talking to Saddam on a cell phone.
Scott
Scott to Red Dragon, come in, Red Dragon.
Saddam
Go ahead, guy. This is Red Dragon.
Scott
The plan is working perfectly. Terrance and Phillip have taken the bait.
Saddam
Excellent! My buddies and I are ready to come to Canada. Has everything been arranged?
Scott
Yes. Everything's proceeding according to plan. Now you promised that when Terrance and Phillip arrive they'll be ripped into pieces and shot several times.
Saddam
Hey, relax, guy. I'm gonna keep my side of the bargain.
Scott
Roger, Red Dragon. Scott out.
He puts the phone away.
Scott
[To himself.] I've got you now, you fart-lovin' fart-lovers.
On the flight to Tehran, Terrance and Phillip leave British Columbia, fly over the western and southwestern U.S., and over the Gulf of Mexico. Over the Yucatan Peninsula Terrance farts, they laugh, and the plane turns towards the Atlantic.
Terrance
I Got Ya.
They laugh again. Over the Pyrenees, Phillip farts, the plane moves towards North Africa, then turns again for Italy.
Phillip
Burned your face.
The plane heads for Egypt, where another fart forces it towards the Black Sea. Once they cross it, another fart forces the plane to cross the Black Sea again...
Terrance
Ow, that's rancid! hahahahaha.
It then turns towards Iran when it is in southern Turkey. It lands in...
Tehran 2:30 P.M. Terrance and Phillip walk among the crowds in the city.
Terrance
Oh, Phillip. How will we ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place? We don't speak the language, we are unwelcome strangers, and we have no idea where to begin.
Phillip
Oh, look. There she is.
He points at a girl wearing a yellow dress and pink bow - not Arab dress in the least.
Terrance
Oh, good.
They make their way to her.
Sally
Goo. Where?
Terrance
I'm here, Sally. It's your father, Terrance.
He picks her up in his arms.
Terrance
I'm here to save you from your smelly Arabian captors.
Sally
Pa-pa.
Phillip
Say, she looks a lot more like Celine Dion than you, Terrance.
Sally farts.
Phillip
Oooh, now I see the resemblance!
Terrance
Well, enough of Iran, let's get home.
On the flight home she farts again and Terrance and Phillip laugh.
Canadian Airport 3:45 P.M. The plane lands.
Terrance
Well, now that I have my bastard daughter back, I feel like going to Celine Dion's house and asking her to marry me again.
Phillip
Oh, raspberries, looks like I'm losing a friend.
Terrance
No, you're gaining a pop vocalist.
Phillip notices something.
Phillip
Oh my God! [Terrance looks.] What is this?!
There are pictures of Saddam Hussein plastered all over the city, and ominous music plays.
Phillip
Is this Canada?
Terrance
It seems to have changed.
Phillip
This is madness!
Terrance
What's going on, Phillip? How can Canada have changed so much whilst we were gone?
Phillip
I don't know, Terrance. And who is that smelly person in all these pictures?
Terrance
I must take my bastard daughter back to Celine Dion and see what she has to say.
Celine Dion's House 4:02 P.M. Terrance and Phillip arrive with Sally. Terrance knocks, and Celine opens the door.
Terrance
Celine, I brought our daughter Sally back, and I want to tell you that--
Celine Dion
Terrance, ha, could you come back a little later?
Terrance
Why?!
Celine Dion
Ah, I'm just a little busy right now.
Terrance
You've got a man over, don't you, Celine Dion?!
Celine Dion
Well, I...
Ugly Bob comes out behind her.
Ugly Bob
Hi guys.
Phillip
Oh my God, it's Ugly Bob!!
Terrance
What the hell are you doing here?!
Ugly Bob
I'm doing Celine Dion; what's it look like?
Terrance
Oh, Celine Dion, what have you done? I was going to make us a family again, but now you've slept with Ugly Bob!
Celine Dion
What do you mean? Why are you calling him "Ugly Bob"?
Phillip
Because that's his name, you stupid bitch!
She turns to Ugly Bob.
Celine Dion
You told me your name Handsome Bob!!
Terrance
Look at him, Celine Dion!
Terrance pulls the bag off.
Celine Dion
Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhh!!!
Phillip
Behold his horrible face!
Celine Dion
Oh my God, he's hideously ugly! And I am pregnant with his child!
Terrance
What?! Nooooooooooooooooo!!
Celine Dion
I'm going to have a freak baby!!
Phillip
Ohh, the humanity!!
Saddam Hussein's Canadian HQ. 4:03 P.M. Scott enters the cabin.
Scott
Hey, Saddam. You helped me get rid of Terrance and Phillip, and I appreciate that, but why are framed pictures of you going up all over Canada?
Saddam
Huh? Oh that? Don't worry, guy, you just need a rest.
Scott
...No I don't need a rest!! I want to know what this is all aboot!
Saddam
Hey, relax, fella. I'm just making it so that Terrance and Phillip can never come back to Canada again. I just need a couple of days, and then I'm gonna head back to Iran.
Scott
I thought you were from Iraq.
Saddam
Iran, Iraq, what the hell's the difference? Relax, guy!
Downtown Canada 4:04 P.M. Saddam's troops are filing past the buildings as Terrance and Phillip look on. Terrance farts and the two laugh.
Terrance
Phillip, I'm convinced that something very very not good is happening to Canada.
Phillip
Yes. I agree whole-fartedly.
They laugh. Scott rushes up to them.
Scott
Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?
Terrance
Oh, hello, Scott.
Scott
You're not supposed to be here, you're supposed to be in Iran looking for your kidnapped--
Puts left hand to mouth.
Scott
Ah, I mean, how are you guys today?
Phillip
Wait, what were you saying?
Scott
Nothing, why?
Terrance
Hey, Scott. Guess what?
Scott
What?
Terrance farts and they laugh.
Scott
Aargh! I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both!
He then puts his fists forth and concentrates mightily on them. They simply stand back.
Phillip
What are you doing, Scott?
Scott
I'm wishing cancer upon you.
Phillip
Cancer?!!
Scott
That's right. I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind.
Terrance
Ooh, stop that!
He grabs Phillip as a shield, then pulls him back.
Phillip
Hey, don't give me cancer!
Scott advances.
Saddam Hussein's Canadian HQ. 4:05 P.M. Two U.S. Army Officials arrive.
U.S. Army Official
Mr. Hussein, the U.S. Government is becoming worried.
Saddam
Worried? Aboot what? Take a load off, relax!
U.S. Army Official
You seem to be... taking over Canada.
Saddam
Taking over Canada? Me? Eeeyy, you need a rest, fella. I'm not hiding any bombs.
U.S. Army Official
We didn't say anything about bombs.
Saddam
Oh. You didn't? Heeyy, relax!
U.S. Army Official
We're giving you just three years to clear your forces out of Canada, and after that, we're gonna bomb all of Iran.
Saddam
I'm from Iraq.
U.S. Army Official
Iran, Iraq, what's the difference?
The officials leave.
Guard on Right
Euugh. I hate Americans. Please, let me kill them!
Saddam
No, no. You need to relax, guy. Remember the plan: first we take over Canada, then we'll have to go after the female pop vocalist. After that, we'll take over the U.S., then Europe, then China, then Newfoundland, then the world!
He laughs wickedly and rolls all over his desk.
Scott
[Returning.] What's so funny!
Saddam
Nothing! Relax, brother.
Scott
Saddam, Terrance and Phillip are back in Canada!
Saddam
Oh, really?
Scott
You promised me they'd be gone for good! That was your part of the bargain!
Saddam
[Thumps his desk.] I changed my mind! [Thumps his desk again.] Pray that I don't change it any further!
The guard on the right cocks his machine gun and Scott is chagrined.
Scott
This deal's getting worse all the time.
Terrance and Phillip's House 4:06 P.M. They are at home eating Kroff Dinner on the sofa.
Phillip
Hey, Terrance, let's watch American television.
Terrance
Yes. We can get satellite feed from the U.S. and watch all their stupid T.V. shows.
Phillip
Oh look. Here's a show. [Jerry Springer.]
Woman 1
...well fuck you.
Woman 2
Arrrggghh! [Lunges at woman 1.]
Springer
And this is what life would be like...
Terrance
It's so stupid!
Phillip
Goddamn, their TV shows are lame!
The next show they see is South Park.
Mephesto
The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is--
Terrance and Phillip laugh over the line.
Phillip
Look at their silly American heads.
Terrance
They look like groundhogs.
Cartman
He's my father?!
Phillip clicks a new channel.
Anchor
And in other news it appears that Saddam Hussein has finally signed an agreement to let the U.S. inspect his military operations. When asked if he would uphold his side of the agreement, Hussein replied, quote: "Hey, relax, fella. You need a rest, guy."
Terrance
Hey, Phillip. Isn't that the smelly gentleman we've seen in pictures all over town?
Phillip
Yes it is, Terrance. According to that newsie, he's some kind of Turkish dictator.
Terrance
Well, we just can't sit here and eat Kraft Dinner and let Canada be overrun by the Turks!
The phone rings, and they laugh.
Phillip
That fart sounded like a ringing phone, Terrance.
Terrance
It sure did, Phillip.
The phone rings again, and Terrance looks.
Terrance
Oh, wait. That is the phone.
He sets his plate aside and gets up to answer it.
Terrance
Hello?
Scott
Terrance, this is Scott.
Terrance
Oh. [To Phillip.] Hey, it's Scott.
He covers the receiver while Phillip answers.
Phillip
Tell him he's a smelly bastard.
Terrance
Phillip says hello, Scott.
Scott
Just shut up and listen. You've unleashed a monster onto Canada! And only you can get rid of him, even though I hate you, and I wish you had cancer.
Terrance
You are such a dick, Scott.
Scott
You're a dick.
Terrance
You're a dick.
Scott
You're a dick.
Terrance
You're a dick.
Scott
You're a dick.
Terrance
You're a dick.
Scott
[Pause.] You're a dick.
Terrance
You're a dick.
Scott
The two of you are the most annoying dicks in Canada! You give other Canadians a bad name! And if I had my hair-
Terrance
I'm sorry, Scott. Could you hold on a minute?
Scott
Sure.
Terrance raises his left leg, places the receiver between his legs, and farts on it. He and Phillip laugh as he lowers his leg.
Terrance
How do you like that, Scott?!
Scott
You son of a bitch! I'll get you if it's the last thin--
Terrance
Oh wait, I have another call on, Scott. Can you hold on?
Scott
Sure.
Terrance raises his left leg, places the receiver between his legs, and farts on it. He lowers his leg and resumes talking.
Terrance
Oh, that was Sir Smelly. He says 'hello.'
Scott
Goddammit!
Terrance
Oh, wait a second, Scott.
Scott
Sure.
Terrance raises his left leg...
Scott
I mean, no! You listen to me! If you want to save Canada, you'll meet me at Karl's Kroff Dinner Restaurant in half an hour! [Hangs up.]
Celine Dion's House 4:07 P.M. Celine Dion and Ugly Bob are back in bed.
Celine Dion
Oh, Ugly Bob, I'm so confused. I love your personality, but you are so wretchedly ugly.
She puffs on a cigarette.
Ugly Bob
Maybe the baby will have your face instead of mine.
Celine Dion
We can only hope. I suppose we'll be okay as long as you keep that bag on your head.
Three Republican Guards burst through the bedroom door, and Saddam follows.
Celine Dion
What's this?! [Gasps.]
Saddam
He-yy there. I'm Saddam Hussein. I'm a big fan of Polo. I've been searching a long time for you, Celine Dion.
Ugly Bob
Oh no, you don't. She's my bitch.
Saddam
Eh! Who are you?
Ugly Bob
I'm Bob. But my friends call me Ugly Bob, because I have the features of a deformed burn victim.
Saddam
Really? I thought all Canadians looked alike. Let me see.
Bob takes off the bag and everybody in the room screams.
Saddam
Well, I'm sorry, guy. You know, I could cure that face of yours.
Bob and Celine now look at him.
Ugly Bob
You can?
Saddam
Sure! I just need a favor. There is a Canadian football game tomorrow: the Ottawa Roughriders vs. the Vancouver Roughriders. It is at that game that I will officially turn the Canadian flag over to my Iranian one.
Celine Dion
What?! Why?!
Saddam
Hey! Don't worry about that. Take a load off, don't worry about it! Look over here! ...All I need is for Celine Dion to sing our Iranian national anthem at the game - to finalize my hostile takeover of Canada. What do you say?
Ugly Bob
Did you say, "hostile takeover of Canada"?
Saddam
No, no, relax there, fella!
Celine takes another bag and places it over Bob's head.
Karl's Kroff Dinner Palace 4:36 P.M. Terrance and Phillip are there. So are some pictures of Saddam.
Terrance
Well, Scott said to meet him here, but he's not showing up!
Phillip farts and they laugh.
Phillip
Well, while we're waiting, why don't we search for treasure?
Terrance
Oh. Good idea. Let's search for treasure.
Phillip looks around, but Terrance ends up looking at his feet.
Scott
[Arrives.] What are you idiots doing?!
Terrance
We're looking for treasure!
Scott
Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?
Phillip
No, we're searching for treasure.
Scott
Listen. I have an inside scoop. There's an Iraqi dictotor who is quietly and slowly taking over Canada.
Terrance
Yes. You mean Saddam Smelly. We saw him on the telly.
Scott
Well, what are you two gonna do aboat it?
Phillip
What do you mean?
Scott
It's your fault that he's here! You brought the Iraqis back with you on your plane when you rescued your kidnapped daughter! [they gasp.]
Phillip
You mean, we are to blame?!
Scott
That's right. And now you must make amends. Tomorrow, Saddam will try to finalize his takeover of Canada, at the Roughriders-Roughriders football game. It will be your only shot at wiping them all out. Here, take this.
He hands him a box with a watch face on it.
Phillip
What is this?
Scott
It's a bomb. You must strap it to yourselves, go to the game, and sacrifice your lives to take out Saddam's minions.
Terrance
That plan's scary!
Scott
Well, you must do it for Canada.
Phillip
For Canada, Terrance.
A display of solidarity begins. He puts his arm behind Terrance.
Terrance
For Canada, Phillip.
Terrance puts his arm behind Phillip. Then they let go and leave.
Scott
Yes, Terrance and Phillip. And when the dust is settled, Canada will be rid of both: the Iraqis and your immature fart humor.
Terrance and Phillip's House 12:20 P.M.
Terrance
Well. Phillip, I am very sad that we have to die for Canada.
Phillip
Yes. This bomb will blow us both to smithereens. But we really have no choice. Only our deaths can bring Canada life.
Terrance farts, and they laugh.
Terrance
That's funny!
Phillip
Hey! Wait a minute. That fart gives me pause.
Terrance
Why is that?
Phillip
That smelly Saddam Hussein. He uses germ and chemical warfare, does he not?
Terrance
Yes. Apparently, he does.
Phillip
Terrance! Get the phone book! We must call every Canadian we can!
Terrance
Oh, Phillip. It sounds like you have an idea.
Phillip
I do, Terrance.
Phillip picks up the receiver and dials away... Barky comes up and farts, then leaves. Terrance and Phillip laugh.
Canada Stadium 11:32 A.M.
Announcer
And the Roughriders are giving the Roughriders a run for their money! [Not if the score is valid: 28-7.] All else aside, I must say that the Roughriders [To his right.] are simply outmatched by these Roughriders [To his left. Red and blue Roughriders go after the football and time runs out. A horn blows and the referee blows his whistle.] And that's going to take us to halftime. Be sure to stick around for the halftime show: Saddam and the Electric Iraqis in a salute to hostile takeovers!
A long platform is put together from two shorter ones, each one having half the Canadian flag. The flag is made whole when the platforms are put together. A band plays and walks across the field and the crowd cheers.
Terrance
Well, I guess it's time, old friend.
Phillip
Yes. Prepare the alert!
Saddam climbs onto the platform with some difficulty, then rights himself and takes the microphone.
Saddam
Hello to my Canadian friends. Everybody relax. Take a rest. Lift your feet up. Those Dogs Are Barking.
He waits for a reaction, but none comes.
Saddam
You may have noticed some changes to your country. Don't worry about that, the changes will continue. I'm here to announce once and for all that Canada will now be known as New Baghdad! Qoloh Qalah!
A Canadian flag is taken down from its pole and an Iraqi one put up in its place. An Iraqi one is placed over the Canadian one on the platform. The audience gasps.
Saddam
You will bow down to me as your ruler! You will obey my laws or you will be killed!!
Celine Dion and Ugly Bob are standing by as Saddam laughs derisively.
Saddam
And now you will sing the Iraqi national anthem!
A guard nudges Celine towards the microphone with the tip of his machine gun.
Saddam
Or you will be stabbed in the head!
Celine Dion
Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht...
Terrance
Now, Phlllip?
Phlllip
Now, Terrance.
He puts on his gas-mask while Terrance brings out a bugle and sounds the alert. Everyone in the stadium then puts on masks.
Saddam
Hey!! What the hell is this?!
Celine puts on her mask.
Celine
Freh kashu kaliakaliakatchut...
People all around the stadium turn around and start to drop trousers, and fart. One man stands on his hands, leaving his derriere high in the air with legs spread open. A brown cloud starts to form over the stadium and it descends into the gridiron. Saddam starts to gag.
Guard
They're using chemical warfare! How could they?!
More brown clouds sweep across the field and seem to sweep Saddam along with them. He stumbles to the edge of the platform and the crowd cheers loudly. He finally falls and the clouds start to lift away. The Iraqi flag falls off the side of the platform as the people remove their masks and cheer some more.
Terrance
We did it, Phillip! We destroyed the Turks!
Phillip
Oh, Glorious Day!
Some people come down and start kicking Saddam around. Bob and Celine take off their masks while holding hands. She takes her hand away and quickly places a paper bag on Bob's head. A woman takes Saddam's left arm, a man takes his head. Terrance and Phillip come down from their seats and rush to the platform, and all stadium seats are now empty. Terrance and Celine hold hands.
Celine Dion
Phillip, Terrance! You've saved Canada!
Terrance
Ooh, it was all Phillip's idea.
They progress to full embrace.
Ugly Bob
God bless you, Phillip. [Embraces him.]
Phillip
[Pulls away.] Don't touch me, Ugly Bob!
Scott
[Walking up.] Hey! What the hell happened! You were supposed to be blown up!
Phillip
We came up with a better plan. You see, Scott, after all your criticism, it was farting that saved Canada!
Scott
Oh! That is so juvenile!
Terrance and Celine have let go of each other.
Terrance
Hey, Scott, you like apples?
Scott
Of course!
Terrance
[Farts on him.] How do you like them apples? [Laughs heartily.]
Scott
I hate you, Terrance and Phillip!!! [Goes away.]
Terrance
Oh Celine Dion. You never finished that national anthem.
Celine Dion
You're right, Terrance. You're right.
She walks forth and grabs the microphone
Celine Dion

O Canada, our home and native land,

Celine, Terrance, Bob, Phillip, and people on the field
Crowd

True patriot love in all thy sons command

Large Crowd

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
the True North, strong and free,

A man uses Saddam's head like that of a dummy and provides a falsetto for it. The words scroll across the scoreboard.
Crowd outside

From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee
God keep our land glorious and free
Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee

The camera pulls away from the stadium, and then from Canada, as if on a plane. More crowds are seen, then some cabins, some mountains, and finally a moose.
Crowd

Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee

The whole scene is now framed in a maple-leaf outline, with the moose in the center grazing. He looks up. When the anthem ends Terrance farts once more and laughs away. His laughter echoes.
End credits roll and theme music plays.
Announcer 1
Who is Eric Cartman's father? Find out on an all new South Park, in just a few weeks.
End of Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus


  201: "Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus" edit
Story Elements

Terrance and PhillipScott the DickUgly BobCeline DionCanadian JudgeSaddam Hussein • "O Canada" • Canadian Courthouse

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

Also on Fandom

Random Wiki