|Age||Unknown; likely 30s (deceased)|
|Died||"Night of the Living Homeless"|
|Voiced by||Matt Stone|
|First||"Weight Gain 4000"|
|Final||"Sexual Healing" (cameo)|
Like Johnson, Ted did not have many prominent appearances. In "Night of the Living Homeless", he takes the boys into his car, in hopes of helping them escape the large crowd of homeless. In his haste to help them escape, another vehicle crashes into his, killing him.
Ted wears a black suit with a white shirt, red tie, and gray pants. He has a receding, brown hairline and a small, brown mustache.
- "Weight Gain 4000"
- "Starvin' Marvin"
- "Summer Sucks"
- "Chef Goes Nanners"
- "A Very Crappy Christmas"
- "Night of the Living Homeless" - While attempting to save the boys, he got into a car accident, killing him.
- "Sexual Healing" (cameo)