A street magician named David Blaine comes to South Park, and his amazing feats lead to all the boys deciding to go to one of his "camps" for $69.95, which is actually a front for a cult he has developed, which views Blaine as a kind of messianic figure and calls all of his achievements "miracles." There, the boys are indoctrinated into joining the "Blaintologists", but Stan, after joining, is creeped out and wants to leave. He tries to convince Kyle to come with him, but Kyle refuses, and declares that if Stan cannot accept his new religion then the two of them aren't friends anymore. Stan, rejected, leaves, and after nearly being run over by a pair of Blaintologists, goes to the one person he can think of to possibly give him aid: South Park's own resident messiah, Jesus.
At Blaine's big show in Denver, filled with Blaintologists and those interested in Blaintology as well, Jesus appears and challenges Blaine, and shows one of his famous miracles, the miracle of the loaves and fishes. However, this miracle proves to be very weak (he has everybody in the audience turn around to do it), and Blaine manages to win the crowd with much more powerful enchantments. Jesus realizes he needs help, and calls the Super Best Friends, a group of major religious figures including Krishna, Joseph Smith, Lao Tse, Muhammad, Buddha, Seaman, and Moses who defend the world against evil (except for Buddha who doesn't really believe in evil).
The Blaintologists, meanwhile, petition the government for tax-exempt status, which would make them a real religion and therefore unstoppable; when they are denied, all the Blaintologists are told they are to commit mass suicide in Washington, D.C. Kyle realizes now that the cult is evil, but when he tries to convince Cartman that they should flee, he is imprisoned in a glass bubble and told he will be killed involuntarily at the mass suicide. When word gets out to the SBF, they consult Moses for advice.
At Washington, the Blaintologists begin to drown themselves in the Reflecting Pool (even though it is only about a foot deep), and a hose begins to fill Kyle's prison with water. The Super Best Friends arrive, but Blaine brings the statue of Abraham Lincoln to life to fight them. To defeat the Abraham Lincoln statue, the SBF create a giant stone John Wilkes Booth, and it shoots Blaine's puppet in the head. The resulting fall shatters Kyle's prison and the pool is frozen using Joseph Smith's ice powers to prevent more suicides. Kyle reconciles with Stan. Cartman remarks in a fake sweet voice "Aah! That's so sweet you guys!" then asks them if they want to get a room to make out for a while and laughs, but then ends up getting repeated kicks in the testicles from both of them.
Blaine flies away in a rocket ship, and Stan announces to everyone that any religion that forces you to give up your money or control of your life is really a cult. The Super Best Friends then fly away, to wait for when the world will need their aid again.