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The official script for "Summer Sucks" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Summer Sucks
South Park Elementary. In the final hour of the school year...
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, now I know that today is the last day of school, and that the last day of school involves pranks, but this is going too far! What have you done with Mr. Hat?
The kids stay silent.
Mr. Garrison
Children! I want Mr. Hat back, right now!
Mr. Garrison pounds his desk in frustration.
Mr. Garrison
The prank is over!
He pounds his desk again. The kids sit still.
Mr. Garrison
You think I can't get along without Mr. Hat, don't you? You think I can't live without him? Well, I can! He's just a puppet. I don't need him. You see? Watch.
He starts waiting. Soon he grimaces, then he taps his thumbs together, then taps them faster.
Mr. Garrison
God damn it! Where the fuck did you put Mr. Hat?!
He pounds his desk hard and the apple bounces away. The dismissal bell rings.
Kids
Yea--
Mr. Garrison
Oh no, you don't! The school year is over, but summer vacation doesn't start for you little bastards until Mr. Hat is back on my desk!
Kids
Awww..!
Mr. Garrison
Now, I'm going to turn around, and when I turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat lying right here!
Mr. Garrison turns to face the board.
Mr. Garrison
Okay. I'm going to turn around now.
Mr. Garrison turns back toward the classroom, to find that all the kids except for Pip have left.
Mr. Garrison
Shit!
Pip
Where did everybody go?
Outside. The kids bolt through the school's front door.
Kids
Yea!/Hooray!/Summer!
The snow melts away, and a mound of it reveals a boy whose missing person's poster was in the back of the class. He gets up, and his parents rush up to meet him.
Mother
Oh golly, Kevin, honey.
Father
Good to see you again, son.
The boys walk past a house where a man inhales in the warm breeze.
Man
Looks like winter's right around the corner. Better get some firewood ready.
He uses a chainsaw on the tree in front of the house. Trees all over the area are coming down.
A park, and kids are at play already. The boys walk through and meet Pip along the way.
Pip
Oh, happy summer, gentlemen!
Stan
Shut up, Pip.
Pip
Right-o. Uh... Enjoy some of this summer for me, would you?
Kyle
What do you mean?
Pip
Well, I have to spend my summer in summer school, because I can't be left alone. You see, my parents are dead.
Cartman
Your parents are dead? Goddamn, you suck, Pip!
The boys laugh at him and walk away.
The boys walk past a sign reading "Stu's Fireworks" with an arrow pointing right.
Stan
Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we gotta buy fireworks.
Kyle
I saved up enough to buy M-80s this year.
Stan
I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
Kyle
Cool! Maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat.
Cartman
Eeyy! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants!
Stan
Jesus, Cartman!
Cartman
[Mumbles.] Well, I'm just saying na, don't mess with Kitty na.
Stu's Firework Shack.
Stu
Hi, fellas.
Boys
Hi, Stu.
Stu
What can I do for you?
Kyle
We wanna buy M-80s.
Stan
The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's ass.
Cartman
Okay, that's it!
Kenny laughs.
Cartman
Screw you guys! I'm going home.
Cartman walks off.
Kyle
What a baby.
Stan
So, we'll have ten M-80s, please.
Stu
I'm sorry, fellas. Haven't you heard?
Stan
Heard what?
Stu
All fireworks have been banned in Colorado.
Kyle
What do ya mean?
Stu
It was in the paper this morning.
Headline: "North Park Kid Loses Hands in Firecracker Accident". The picture shows the armless boy with scars on his cheeks and a dismembered hand on the floor.
Kyle
Dude! Just 'cause some stupid North Park kid blew his hands off, we don't get to buy M-80s?
Stu
Right.
Stan
How can they do this to us? Doesn't anyone believe in tradition anymore?
Kyle
Yeah. We've been playing with firecrackers our whole lives.
Flashback. Kyle remembers their days as toddlers. All four stand in a hallway holding lit firecrackers. Kyle tosses one up in the air and it pops. Kenny holds on to his, to his peril. It pops, and Kenny's head flies off his torso. The rest of the body falls over.
Stan
Oh gosh, killed Kenny!
Kyle
Oo bastards!
Rats pile on the corpse and nibble away.
Stan
A summer without fireworks is like… I don't know, but it's like-- It sucks ass.
Kyle
Yeah, now what are we supposed to do?
Stu pulls out a fireworks box and takes something out.
Stu
I can still sell snakes.
Stu lights one up, sets it down, and watches it grow.
Stan/Kyle/ Kenny
Awww..!
Meanwhile, over at City Hall, Mayor McDaniels is on the phone with someone.
Mayor McDaniels
This is absurd! We need fireworks for our Fourth of July celebration at the lake. [Listens.] I don't care that some twerp blew his hands off! We've got to have fireworks for our picnic! Hold on, I've got another call. [Switch.] Hello? No, I don't know where Mr. Hat is! Jesus, Garrison. I've got bigger problems! [Switch.] Hello, yes? Now what am I supposed to do about our Fourth of July show at the lake? No, I don't want snakes! This is an outrage! Get me the Mayor! I know that, smart-ass, I was being ironic..! [Hangs up.]
Officer Barbrady
[Emerging from under her desk.] I'm sorry, Mayor, but I couldn't find the little man in the boat.
Mayor McDaniels
Well, keep looking. [Pushes him down.]
Officer Barbrady
Oh?
Mayor McDaniels
This is ridiculous. We can't have a celebration without fireworks. Whoever heard of a Fourth of July picnic with snakes?
Officer Barbrady
[From under the desk.] Oh, I like snakes. You light 'em and they grow and grow.
Mayor McDaniels
Wait a minute. That's it! I got it! This Fourth of July, South Park will make history by having the largest snake in the world! The press will love it. I'll be on the front pa-- [Swoons.] Oooooogh...
Officer Barbrady
I found him.
Bus Stop. The boys (still wearing coats) stand still, completely oblivious.
Stan
Man, it's hot out here.
Cartman
What do you guys want to do? We've got the whole summer to play!
Kyle
Dude, what are we supposed to do? We always just play with fireworks.
Stan
I know! Let's go sledding!
Kyle
Yeah!
Top of a hill. The boys have brought their sled, and Cartman is left to go on.
Stan
Come on, Cartman, get on.
Cartman
Stan?
Kyle
Let's go, dude. We're ready.
Stan
What the hell are you waiting for, Cartman?
Cartman
Guys? Don't you notice anything wrong with this picture?
Kyle
Yeah. Your fat ass isn't on the sled!
Cartman
Ugh... Whatever.
He hops on. The sled goes down just a bit, then stops.
Stan
What the hell is going on?
Jimbo and Ned drive by in their Hummer.
Jimbo
Hey there, boys!
Stan
Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
Jimbo
How come you're not blowin' things up? It's summer.
Kyle
Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks 'cause a little boy blew off his hands.
Jimbo
What?!
Stan
Yeah, they're not even having them at the lake this year.
Jimbo
Oh my God! [Revs up.] Well, don't worry boys, Uncle Jimbo is on the case. [Drives off.] Buckle your seat belt, Ned.
Ned
Mmmm-where are we going?
Jimbo
México, my amigo.
Ned
Mmmm-why are we going to México?
Jimbo
To buy fireworks. Just 'cause some kid blew off his hands doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer, now, does it?
Ned
Are fireworks legal in Mexico?
Jimbo
Hell, everything's legal in México. It's the American way.
Jimbo drives through mountains in the distance.
Back at City Hall, the Mayor is holding a meeting. A man is shown with an easel and a large notebook.
Charlie
At the Dyno Might Firework Company, we have a commitment to excellence. Our focus is on safety while--
Mayor McDaniels
Just cut to the chase and tell us about the snake!
Charlie
Oh, o-kay. [To himself.] Let's see...
He turns the pages up and over. Page 1: Dyno Might Safe and Spicy; Section 1: Introduction; Section 2: Safety Features; Section 3: We Value the Customer... Now to design specifications.
Charlie
Now, the disk that we are making is approximately 5,000 times bigger than the average snake.
Mayor McDaniels
Ooooh!
Charlie
We'll have to fly it in with three Comanche helicopters and lower it onto the ground at the lake.
Mayor McDaniels
[Writes notes.] Comanche helicopters...
Charlie
[Flips page.] Then we'll need 57 flamethrowers, all set up around the perimeter of the disk, that are all triggered to fire at the same time.
Mayor McDaniels
...flamethrowers, triggered at the same time...
Charlie flips the page. A giant smiling snake is shown rising out of the disk.
Charlie
Once lit, the snake will grow.
He turns the page and vaudevillian Abe Vigoda is shown.
Charlie
And good times will be had by all.
The Mayor and her aides clap.
Aide 1
Wonderful.
Aide 2
Spectacular.
Mayor McDaniels
Well, you see? Fireworks at the lake will not only go on, but perhaps be the best ever. Wait a minute! We're gonna need an orchestra to play The Stars and Stripes!
Aide 1
Hey! How about the elementary school orchestra? They had a great version of Mary Had a Little Lamb at their last concert.
Mayor McDaniels
Yes! Get the school principal on the phone! And we need somebody to dress up like Uncle Remus!
Aide 2
Uh, Mayor, I think you mean Uncle Sam?
Mayor McDaniels
Of course I do, you fuckin' asshole!
On the side of a road. The boys are building a snowman, but out of mud. A mudman.
Kyle
[Singing.]

Dusty the dirtball...

Stan
Why does everything have to suck so bad in summer?
Kyle
Hey, look, it's Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
Hello, children. How is your summer going?
Stan
Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.
Kyle
Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?
Mr. Garrison
Oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.
Stan
That's good.
Long pause.
Mr. Garrison
Mr. Hat is just a puppet.
Kyle
Yup.
Long pause.
Mr. Garrison
Mr. Hat isn't real.
Stan
Right.
Long pause. Mr. Garrison walks away.
Cartman
Hey, you guys, my mom signed me up for swimming lessons at the community pool. You wanna come?
Kenny, Stan and Kyle laugh at him.
Stan
Swimming lessons? Dude, that is the lamest thing I've heard heard.
Cartman
It is not!
Stan
Everyone knows that the first graders pee in the community pool.
Kyle
Yeah, Cartman, you're swimming around in first-grader pee.
Cartman
I am not swimming around in pee!
Stan
Whatever, dude.
Cartman
My mom says that if I take swimming lessons, I could be in the Olympics someday.
Kyle
[Grins with Stan.] Yeah, the Fat Ass Olympics.
Cartman
I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation! I don't need to hear crap from a bunch of hippie freaks living in denial! Screw you guys! I'm going home.
Stan
But Cartman, we're trying to--
Cartman
Uh, screw you guys. Home. [Leaves.]
Stan
What does he mean, "living in denial"?
Kyle
Dude, it's Cartman. He's just being a dumb-ass like always.
Stan hops up to put a carrot on the mudman as a nose.
Stan
There, how does that look?
Kyle
Like a..big hunk of dirt with a carrot sticking out of it.
Stan
Uh, crap..!
Community Pool. Kids are swimming and diving, and a lifeguard looks over the scene. Cartman, however dips his toes into the water and shudders.
Cartman
Eh-eh-eh-eh...
He backs away as the instructor blows her whistle.
Instructor
Okay kids, everyone in the pool!
The kids jump in.
instructor
Come on, Eric, we're gonna start now.
Cartman
Nuh-uh.
Instructor
Just jump in.
Cartman
I don't wanna.
Instructor
It's not gonna hurt ya, hon. Just do it.
Cartman holds his breath, covers his nose and jumps in.
Cartman
Egh--
He comes up and treads water. Cartman splutters.
Instructor
There you go! Now just let the first graders swim by you, and then head towards us.
Cartman
Huh? First graders?
They swim by, but stop to look at him. Yellow pools of pee appear in front of them. They swim away.
Cartman
Awww! Weak! Weak! Oh, y-you sons of bitches!
South Park. Stark's Pond. Bleachers are being set up for the Fourth of July picnic, and a chili and doughnut stand goes up.
Mayor McDaniels
Where the hell is our firework? We only have 24 hours!
Aide 2
I'm sure it'll be here any second.
Mayor McDaniels
Shut up!
Aide 2
Copy that.
Meanwhile, at a stage where the children of South Park Elementary are practicing The Stars and Stripes...
Conductor
Okay, children, I'm sure we're a little rusty. Where is Eric Cartman?
Stan
He's taking swimming lessons.
Conductor
Oh, dear. How are we supposed to sound good without our French horn section? Oh, let's try some scales first. C scale first. And...
They start playing the scale (F# first), but everyone is playing out of key, creating a god-awful mix of noises.
Conductor
Okay, that was pretty good. Let's play Mozart's Symphony No. 5.
They try, but it is yet another god-awful mix of noises.
Mayor McDaniels
Oh, we're doomed. Our Fourth of July celebration is going to have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf little shits playing.
She see something.
Mayor McDaniels
Wait a minute... It's the snake!
The snake appears over the mountain transported by the three Comanche helicopters. Everyone stops to watch.
Officer Barbrady
Let's move along, people. If you've seen one giant snake-thingy firework, you've seen them all.
Mayor McDaniels
Call everybody! The show's back on! Come on, we've only got one day to prepare!
Mexico. Jimbo and Ned pass by a store that sells cohetes. They stop and walk back to it.
Jimbo
Buenos dias, mi amigo. Yo soy un Americano espectacularrr.
Proprietor
¿Qué?
Jimbo
Yo necesito el fireworko spectacularrrr.
Proprietor
¿Necesita usted un cohete grande?
Ned
Nnnn-no moleste el gato spectacularrrr.
The proprietor pulls out a large box and places it on the counter.
Jimbo
Would you look at that, Ned? That's a Tijuana bottle rocket! These babies have enough power to blast a fiery hole right through the ozone.
Ned
Mmmm-they're spectacularrrr.
Jimbo
Ned, it's our job to get these to children all over America for the Fourth of July.
He and Ned take a rocket each.
Jimbo
We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas morning.
Ned
Hmmm-bueyno.
Mr. Garrison's house. Garrison is on his chair, looking at the TV tensely. Then the telephone rings...
Mr. Garrison
Hello?
Caller (Mr. Mackey)
Hello, is Mr. Hat there?
Mr. Garrison
Is this some kind of joke?
Caller (Mr. Mackey)
[snickers] Yes.
Mr. Garrison
You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! I'm gonna find out who you are!
Caller (Mr. Mackey)
I don't think you can, m'kay.
Mr. Garrison hangs up.
Mr. Garrison
Goddammit..!
He turns on the TV to PBS, when Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop are on.
Shari Lewis
So, Lamb Chop, what would you like to do today?
Lamb Chop
Well, I'd like to sing you a song.
Shari
Hey, let's sing one to-gether!
Lamb Chop

As long as we're together,
we can do anything
We can take on the whole darn world
We're happy as clams,
with plenty of pearls
Through thick and thin,
we've always been to-geth-er...

Mr. Garrison descends into madness as the song progresses, until he imagines himself going to her studio.
Shari
Whoa-aagghh! Aagghh! Aggh!
Mr. Garrison approaches, and with a small ax, chops off Lamb Chop from Shari's hand and tosses it onto a lit barbecue grill. Flames rise up and engulf Lamb Chop.
Shari
No! Lamb Chop, no!
Lamb Chop
Shari, help me... It burns! It burns..!
Mr. Garrison is shown smiling away on his armchair, having dreamed out his anger.
Meanwhile, over at the Community Pool. The swimming instructor has five swimmers in front of her at the deep end, and Cartman stands alone at the shallow end.
Instructor
Eric, you have to get in the deep end sooner or later.
Cartman
Later's fine.
Instructor
Just do your side stroke.
Cartman
I only know how to do it doggie style.
Instructor
That's doggie-paddle, Eric. Now come over here!
Cartman
Can I do it doggie style?
Instructor
Okay.
Cartman starts paddling towards her.
Instructor
That's it! That's it, you can do it!
Cartman
Sweet..!
Three first graders swim by, leaving yellow trails. That stops him.
Cartman
Awww, dammit! Aw, not again!
Instructor
Come on, Eric!
Cartman
No way! Those sons of bitches! I'm going home.
News 4. Our top story tonight...
Anchor
Fourth of July is finally here, and with the state-wide ban on fireworks, people from all over Colorado are flocking to South Park. Here with a special report is a normal-looking guy with a funny name.
Creamy Goodness
Thanks, Tom. It looks like the firework ban won't be putting a damper on one town's festivities tonight. I'm here at Stark's Pond in South Park, where the crowd of residents and scores of tourists anxiously await the lighting of the largest snake in human history.
Some of the folks have picnic blankets set out and many are mugging for the camera.
Creamy Goodness
Now, as most of you will probably remember, snakes are these little round disks that you light, and they spew out a little snake of black ash. Well, the South Park snake is over half a mile in diameter, and twenty stories high. I'm told that this event won't begin until the sun goes down and night is upon us.
So it is said, so it is done.
Creamy Goodness
Alrighty then, looks like we're ready.
Orchestra stage. Everyone is present and ready to play.
Stan
How are your swimming lessons going, Cartman?
Cartman
Fine.
Kyle
I heard you won't even get in the deep end.
Cartman
Well, you heard wrong, hippie!
A wide view of Stark's Pond and everyone in the area around it. Then, the mayor is on the main stage with her aides about to address the crowd.
Mayor McDaniels
Ladies and gentlemen, good citizens of Colorado. It's my pleasure to be the first person to wish you all a happy Fourth of July! Let's start with our school band playing The Stars and Stripes!
Conductor
This is it. And a-one and a-two and a...
The kids begin to play, and the result is as bad as in practice. The audience members are covering their ears.
Audience
Ooohhhh..!
Mayor McDaniels
What is fuck is that?!
Aide 2
I think it's The Stars and Stripes.
Mayor McDaniels
Oh, hell. Light the snake!
Everyone cheers. About 57 people with flamethrowers step forward and fire up the snake.
Audience
Ooooooh!
The snake begins to bulge.
Audience
Ahhhhh!
The Mayor is pleased with success.
Mexico; night. Jimbo and Ned are almost close to the border.
Jimbo:
Alright, Ned. Now we're coming up to the American border. They can't know that we have fireworks in the trunk. Just let me do the talking.
Ned says nothing. Jimbo laughs.
Jimbo
I guess that goes without saying, doesn't it?
Jimbo laughs some more. They arrive at the Border. Jimbo and Ned drive up. The border guard greets them.
Guard
Good evening, gentlemen.
Jimbo
Hello there, fellow American. We're just anxious to get back to our homeland.
Guard
Alright, I just need to ask you a few questions.
Jimbo
Fire away, we have nothing to hide.
Guard
Is anyone other than the two of you traveling in this vehicle?
Jimbo
No, sir.
Guard
Do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?
Jimbo
Yes. [Ned recoils.] I mean, no! No!
The gurad brings out his flashlight and turns it on.
Guard
Open your trunk, please, sir.
He moves toward the trunk.
Jimbo
Damn! Damn! I always get that question wrong!
Stark's Pond. The crowds are still cheering and the band is still playing, and the snake is still growing. Cartman intently turns a page at his sheet music.
Mayor McDaniels
My God, it's beautiful. It never fails to amaze me how I manage to overcome adversity.
The snake is still growing, and the Mayor frowns.
Mayor McDaniels
Say uh, Charlie, when does that thing die out?
Charlie
Die out?
Mayor McDaniels
Yes, you know, expire, end.
Long pause. Charlie looks up and back.
Mayor McDaniels
Hello? I'm asking you when it stops?
Charlie
Uhhh, I'm not sure; I never made one this big.
The snake keeps growing.
Charlie
I guess we didn't quite think this through, did we?
Mayor McDaniels
What?!
Kyle
[Looking up.] Dude! That thing is huge!
Stan
Yeah, they need to shut it off.
Cartman
[Distracted.] Hey! You guys are screwin' up the song!
The crowd becomes nervous as well as awed.
Man 1
Somebody stop it!
Man 2
It's out of control!
Everyone runs away screaming as the snake starts to bend, then part of the snake falls off.
Stan/Kyle/ Cartman
Aarrgghh!!
All the children jump off the stage. Kenny, however...
Kyle
Kenny! Watch out!
The piece of the snake hits the stage.
Kenny
(Waarrggh!!)
Kenny jumps clear and lands under the bleachers.
Kenny
(Dude! You guys, I really, really don't have time to tell you that-- Argghh..!)
The snake mows down the bleachers, crushing Kenny.
Stan
Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastard!
Mayor McDaniels
[Horrified.] Oh my God! [Grabs Charlie.] You tell me, how much longer this thing is gonna last?!
Charlie
Let's see. A normal-size snake lasts three minutes... [Mutters indistinctly.]
Mayor McDaniels
So when does it run out?!
Charlie
November. Of next year.
Mayor McDaniels
Oh, hell..!
People are running and screaming away from the snake. Kyle picks up a violin and starts playing a dirge. Stan returns and looks at him, then takes up his own violin. Cartman, Bill, Fosse, and Token join in and take up their instruments; and they all start playing "Nearer My God To Thee" in tune.
July 5th, 6 a.m., Stark's Pond. News 4 coverage resumes.
Creamy Goodness
Well, we're coming up on nine hours, and the giant snake of South Park shows no signs of stopping. Residents have tried everything from fire-hoses to yelling at it to make the snake stop, but nothing seems to work.
Tom
Thanks, Creamy. Police are advising all citizens to stay indoors, not breathe the ashen air, and not ever light any giant snakes in the near future.
The snake is now some thirty feet wide and moving down South Park's main thoroughfare, incinerating everything in its path.
Stan
Man, this sucks.
Kyle
What should we do, dude? That big snake keeps growing; it's gonna demolish the whole state soon!
Stan
We should do what we always do. Ask Chef for help.
Cartman
Where is Chef?
Somewhere, in the Caribbean, Chef is singing to three waitresses, one of them holding a phone.
Chef
[Slowly.]

Baby, you know you're the girl for me-ee
And all that I want to be-ee-ee is...
[Quickly.]
You and me
And her; simultaneous
You and me, and you and you
Simultaneous lovin', baby
Two or three; simultaneous
Ooh, that's right...

[The phone rings and Chef answers it.] Hello? What? Oh, hello, children. It's a what?... A giant snake?... Killing everybody?!... Growing bigger?!... Children, you know I rarely say this but... Well, fudge ya. [He hangs up and resumes singing.]

Simultaneous, you and me
And you and you
Simultaneous lovin', baby
Two or three...

South Park. The smoke is heavy in the air. Stan hangs up the phone.
Kyle
What'd he say?
Stan
Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.
Cartman
Wow.
Kyle
How is that gonna help?
National News, on the U.S. map behind the anchor, the snake is shown having separated into four snakes. The first has gone through the Northwest and backtracked into Canada. The second has gone into the Great Plains and is headed for the East Coast. The third has gone down into Texas and the South, and the fourth has gone through the Southwest and is now in Northern Mexico.
Anchor
All over America, the effects of the giant ash snake of South Park can be seen.
Utah, Mormons are gathered for a baptism at a river.
Preacher
Yea, let the spirit of Heavenly Father be blessed upon you.
The preacher dunks the catechumen into the river.
Assistant
From this day on, all will be well.
The new member pops up.
New Mormon
I already feel like things are getting better.
Snake One comes and engulfs them all.
New York.
Mr. Garrison
And I can't sleep or think...
Inside a psychiatrist's office, Mr. Garrison lies on a couch.
Mr. Garrison
Where would he have gone? Why would he leave?
Dr. Katz
Well um, let me ask you this. Why? Wher-where do you think... Mr. Hat... went?
Mr. Garrison
How the fuck should I know? If I knew that, I wouldn't be seein' a fuckin' psychiatrist, would I?
Dr. Katz
Well… I guess, I-I see what you're saying. Yeah.
Mr. Garrison
At first I was sure one of the children took him, but then I remembered that Mr. Hat and I actually had a fight that morning.
Dr. Katz
Um... Ahem...
Long pause.
Dr. Katz
Are you gay?
Mr. Garrison
What?!
Dr. Katz
[Stammers.] It-it's j-just-- It's just a question.
Mr. Garrison
Are you propositioning me?
Dr. Katz
No.
Mr. Garrison
Well, I can tell that that I am 100% not gay!
Dr. Katz
Well, I believe you, I... absolutely believe you.
Mr. Garrison
Mr. Hat, on the other hand...
Dr. Katz
Mr. Hat was gay?
Mr. Garrison
Sometimes he fantasizes about same-sex relations.
Dr. Katz
I see.
Mr. Garrison
Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend he was in a sauna with Brett Favre, and a bottle of Thousand Island dressing.
Dr. Katz
That I did not need to know.
Mr. Garrison
Well, I'm just sayin'.
Mr. Katz
Mr. Garrison, I think that Mr. Hat was actually your gay side trying to come out. You see, it's-it's you that's gay, but, but you're in denial, so...you act out your gay persona with a homosexual puppet.
Mr. Garrison doesn't say anything.
Dr. Katz
What do you think about that?
Mr. Garrison
I think you're the loony one in this room.
Snake Two bounds over several buildings, knocking them off their foundations. It smashes through the window and burns Dr. Katz to the bone.
Mr. Garrison
Serves you right, you gay-bashing homo.
Meanwhile, inside a Texas prison, Jimbo and Ned share a cell.
Jimbo
Well, Ned, looks like we missed Fourth of July again.
Ned
Mmmmmmm-yup.
Jimbo
Dammit! Those poor kids must have been so disappointed to have nothin' but them stupid wussy snakes to light.
Ned
Mmm-well better luck next year.
Jimbo
Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's try again.
Ned
[Reads cue card.] Mmmm-is anyone other than the two of you riding in this vehicle?
Jimbo
No.
Ned
Mmmm-do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?
Jimbo
[Hesitantly.] Yes?
Ned shakes his head.
Jimbo
Dammit! I got it wrong again! What's the answer again?
Snake Three makes its way to the prison and smashes through the wall of their cell. Jimbo is startled.
Jimbo
Holy smokes! What the hell is that?
Ned
Mmm-it looks like my ex-wife!
Jimbo
Quick, Ned! This is our chance! The Hummer's outside!
Green Bay, Wisconsin. Sports Spa. Brett Favre enters and removes his shirt, but keeps his towel on. Mr. Hat is already seated on the lower bench.
Brett Favre
Hi. I hasn't seen you in here before.
Mr. Hat blinks and looks at him.
City Hall. The coverage continues.
Reporter
As more and more cities are affected by the growing ash and the death toll rises to 3,000...
A tree inexplicably falls over.
Reporter
...people from all over the country are looking to the Mayor of South Park for answers.
The hall doors open and the Mayor's aides step forward.
Reporter
...And it appears as if the Mayor is going to explain matters now.
Aide 1
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Mayor of South Park regrets that she cannot be here herself, but she is... sick.
Reporter 2
"Sick"?! What kind of lame excuse is that?
Print Reporter
You gotta be kidding me!
Reporter 3
Oh, this is ridiculous!
Reporter 4
Come on, we want answers.
Aide 2
Sh-she's having her period.
The reporters fall silent. Reporter 3 gasps quietly.
Reporter 4
[Softly.] Oh.
Aide 1
We do, however, have an official statement for all the concerned cities about the matter with the giant snake that we can't seem to put out.
Aide 2 pulls out a statement and reads it.
Aide 2
"We're sorry. Our bad."
Aide 1
Thank you, that is all.
They turn around and go back into City Hall. The reporters are left grousing.
Meanwhile at the Community Pool. Notice reads:

POOL CLOSED
Due to Hazardous
SNAKE FIREWORK

Cartman is all alone in the swimming pool.

Cartman
Okay. No first graders around. I can swim to the deep end.
He starts swimming to the deep end.
Cartman
Yeah... I can do it. I can do it. I can-- I'm gonna make it.
From his view. The diving board is getting closer and closer.
Meanwhile, in outer space, the snakes can be seen growing longer and longer across the face of the nation.
Back at Stark's Pond, the disk is still producing the snake. Stan and Kyle sit under a tree with nothing to do, and next to them a man rests on a poster with a message: "Repent - The end is here".
Stan
How many days left in summer?
Kyle
A lot, I think.
Stan
Dammit! I just want it to snow again!
Kyle
I don't think it matters, dude. This giant snake is gonna kill everyone soon.
Jimbo and Ned arrive.
Jimbo
Buenos gracias, boys.
Stan
Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
Jimbo
Oh, now, why the long faces?
Kyle
We're bored.
Stan
There's nothin' to do.
Jimbo
Well, I don't think those are problems...
Jimbo
Jimbo
...that some Tijuana bottle rockets can't solve!
Stan/Kyle
Hooray!
Jimbo
Careful with those, now, those are dangerous.
Stan and Kyle set up the rockets and Jimbo lights them. The rockets are as big as the boys.
Jimbo
Point 'em away from your eyes, now.
Kyle
Wow! These are huge!
Jimbo
Aw, look at 'em, Ned. Look how much happiness a little firepower can bring to a child.
The rockets are launched and they head for the snake. Upon impact, the snake falls apart, and the base of it loses its fire. Ash now rains down upon everyone.
Stan
Hey, look! We blew up the snake!
Everyone cheers.
Citizen
All the ash from the snake is putting the flame out.
Jimbo
Well, how do you like that? Bottle rockets saved the Fourth of July!
Stan/Kyle
Hooray!
A crowd begins to gather, meanwhile, back at the community pool, Cartman has almost reached his goal.
Cartman
I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it to the deep end.
He touches the wall at the 9½ foot mark.
Cartman
I did it! I did it! I made it to the deep end! Hooray for me!
Instructor
[Off-screen.] The snake's been destroyed. [Removes notice.] The pool's open!
Cartman
Huh?
All the first graders jump into the pool, the water turns yellow in a matter of seconds.
Cartman
Oh, no, you sons of bitches! Aww, sons of bitches..!
He makes his way out along the edge of the pool.
Stark's Pond.
Citizen 2
Look! They put out the snake!
Everyone cheers.
Mayor McDaniels
Yes! Apparently, my plan to-o blow up the snake worked perfectly.
Ned, Jimbo, Stan and Kyle look at her.
Kyle
Hey, look! It's snowing!
The others, and the crowd, look and ponder.
Jimbo
Well, it's snowing black ash, but what the hell.
Clyde, Annie, Red, and Token, cheer, and dance around in the ash.
The mountains are now capped in ash. Stan and Kyle work on an ash man, and Pip is singing with his family once again. (His parents are not dead.) Clyde and another kid take a sled down an ash drift.
Stan
Winter's back!
Mr. Garrison walks up with Mr. Twig, his new puppet which is a stick with a little purple shirt with a pink triangle on it.
Mr. Garrison
Wow, it's a black blizzard!
Kyle
Mr. Garrison, where's Mr. Hat?
Mr. Garrison
Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a two-timin' whore. From now on, children, you're all gonna be learning from Mr. Twig.
Mr. Twig
That's right, children. I'll see you in the fall.
Stan
Well, I can hardly wait.
South Park, a few days later, Chef drives up and steps out of his car.
Chef
Hey, children, everybody! I'm back! I'm back from Aruba! What the..?
Before him, some kids play on ash-covered ground. They are pretty much in blackface. Cartman has joined Stan and Kyle in working on the ashman.
Stan
Hey, Chef!
Cartman
How's it going?
Chef looks left. A couple is clearing out ash from the main street.
Man
Howdy, Chef. How was your summer vacation?
Long pause.
Chef
Okay! E-verbody get in a line, so I can whoop all your asses!
End Credits. "Simultaneous Lovin'" plays.
End of Summer Sucks


  208: "Summer Sucks" edit
Story Elements

Mayor McDaniels • "Simultaneous" • Dr. KatzMr. TwigBrett FavreBlack Snakes

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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