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South Park is Gay!/Script

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Randy Marsh
  • Linda Stotch
  • Sarah Swanson
  • Ryan Swanson
  • Richard Tweak
  • Mrs. Tweak
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Skeeter
  • Thomas Tucker
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Slave
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
    • Ted
    • Kyan
    • Carson
    • Jai
    • Thom
  • HBC Executives
  • HBC Head of Programming
  • Crab People
  • Craig Tucker
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Butters Stotch
  • Tweek Tweak
  • Jason
  • Timmy Burch
  • Token Black
  • Announcers
  • Singers
  • Reporter
  • Connor
  • Jerome "Chef" McElroy
  • South Park Train Station Clerk

Script

[South Park, school bus stop, morning. Stan, Cartman and Kenny wait for the bus. Stan is dressed in fishnet tank top, artsy pants, and a new, furry cap with the same colors as his old one. Cartman is dressed in a Madonna fashion shirt and artsy pants. His hair is tussled and brighter than usual. Kenny is dressed in a purple parka with light purple sleeves. A lock of his hair peeks out from under the hood.]
Stan: Oh my God, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night.
Cartman: What? Tell us?
Stan: So, I'm watching the season premiere of Boy Meets Boy on television, and then Queer Eye for the Straight Guy comes on, right? So I fall asleep in front of the TV, and when I wake up, I see that I've spilled the Coke I was drinking all over my satin pajama top.
Cartman: Oh my Gosh, are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!
Stan: I know!
Kenny: (I just LOVE this jacket 'cause it's SOOO beautiful!)
Stan: Oh, tell me about it, Ken doll.
Kyle: [joins them, but dressed as usual] Hey dudes. [the others glance at him]
Cartman: [begins to laugh at him] What a dork!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Nice jacket, Kyle! Polyester is really the hot fabric this fall! [laughs heartily]
Kyle: Well, but, this is the jacket I always wear.
Stan: You've gotta get with the times, girlfriend.
Cartman: Yeah, that jacket is so September 10th. [Stan inspects Kyle's jacket]
Stan: Oohh my God, you got splotches on your neck. Are you using any exfoliating products at all??
Cartman: We can't let Kyle out in public like this, you guys.
Kenny: (That's the truth.)
Stan: Come on, Kyle! We're giving you a makeover! [the boys excitedly pull Kyle along to South Park Mall]
[Montage: The boys take Kyle to a clothing store and give him some suits to try out. They choose an outfit and haul him off to the next store, a barbershop. A woman styles Kyle's hair. Next is a pedicure. Kyle wears the outfit Kenny chose. Next stop: Forever 16, and finally Marcy's. Next, all four of them are getting facials. The last scene is of the four boys walking down the middle of the street, all dressed in new clothes. Cartman takes off his shades and the camera zooms in]
Singers (Widelife):

You... came into my life... and my world never looked so bright. Yeah.
It's true. You bring out the best in me.
When you are around, when you are around, all things just keep getting better.
It keeps getting better. Life keeps getting better and better (All things just keep getting better).

[The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila watch TV from their couch]
Announcer: Coming up on HBC, it's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!
Carson: [a shot of Queer Eye...] We have got to get you some tighter-fitting shirts!
Announcer: [the night's schedule pops up over the scene] Then it's Boy Meets Boy, followed by Will and Grace, and then, the Love Boat... with Men.
Sheila: My goodness, there certainly are a lot of gay shows on television these days.
Gerald: Yeah. I think it's great that gays are finally being so accepted. [the door opens and the four newly-clothed boys enter]
Kyle: [waves] Hi Mom, Hi Dad!
Gerald: [looks and jumps to his feet] HAAAAAA!!! [walks over to Kyle] Kyle! What's happened to you??
Kyle: I'm just trying to fit in, Daddy. Don't be such a drama queen! [leads the others boys out of the living room]
Gerald: Oh my God! Come on, Sheila! [she rises] We'd better go tell the other parents what's going on!! [they leave.]
[The Marsh house. Gerald is pounding on the front door and Sharon answers.]
Sharon: Oh hi Gerald, Sheila.
Gerald: Hi Sharon. Uh, we need to talk to you about the boys.
Sharon: Sure. Come on in. The guys are all watching TV.
Gerald: Oh, is the game on or something? [they move towards the sofa, where a bunch of the men are watching]
Randy: [moves over to Gerald and hugs him] Heeey Geraaald! How are youuuu!! [the other men greet him as well]
Other Men: Geraaald! Hi Gerald.
Stuart: Sit down, Jer-Jer! Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is on.
Gerald: Oh no! Y-you guys all turned gay too?? [the other men laugh]
Randy: Not gay, Gerald, metrosexual.
Gerald: What's that?
Skeeter: Just because a guy cares about how he looks and is in touch with his feminine side doesn't mean he's gay anymore.
Stuart: Yeah. Metrosexual means you're straight, but you appreciate the gay culture.
Randy: It's super-fabulous. Would you like some shirazz?
[The ladies look on from the kitchen]
Sharon: Don't our men look
Linda: Haven't you seen Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, Sheila? These five gay men go around and show straight men how to better themselves. It's the best.
Sheila: It is?
Sharon: Well sure, Sheila. Our husbands are all so clean and neat. My Randy irons his clothes and even has pedicures.
Linda: And they like to talk about their feeling now and drink wine and decorate the house.
Sarah: My Steven shaved his chest and his balls. OOOO, I love it!
Sharon: And how about our boys, huh? Ever since gay culture became cool, our boys bathe every night and brush their teeth three times a day. This is the greatest thing ever.
Sheila: I don't know. Sometimes boys take cultural fads too far...
[South Park, day. The boys go to school in their new threads. They stop at the main entrance]
Stan: Dude, I can't wait for Wendy to see how gay I look!
Cartman: That's true, you guys. When the chicks at school see how gay we are, they're gonna be all over us.
Kenny: (Woohoo!!)
Stan: All right. Let's work it! [shimmies a bit. The boys turn and pass through the entrance, but stop in their tracks.] What the...?
Butters: Tootaloo, Connor. See ya after classies.
Connor: Okay, sweetums. [they part ways. Butters goes off to his right. Farther away, near the drinking fountains, stand Timmy, Jimmy, Kevin, and Pip]
Clyde: Oh my God, where is my homework?! I am freaking out! [turns right and follows after Butters. The boys look on in stunned silence]
A Boy: Hey dudes. [the boys look and it's Craig with Token, Jason, and Tweek]
Stan: Hey Craig.
Craig: You guys look pretty gay.
Kyle: [happily] Thanks.
Craig: [he and his group are not happy about it] Not as gay as us, though.
Cartman: [moves in front of Kyle] Oh, please Craig, we're ten times gayer than you!
Craig: Oh yeah?! We're super duper triple-dog gay!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! We're all ultra super stamp it stamp it no erasies mega gay!
Chef: [arrives] What's all this fightin' about, children?!
Stan: These guys are trying to say they're gayer than us!
Chef: Aw nah. Don't tell me you children have taken up this whole metrosexual fad, too!
Stan: Oh My God, this is not a fad, this is who we are!
Chef: No it isn't. Last year you children were all trying to be black, and now you're trying to be gay!
Stan: We're metrosexual!!
Craig: Maybe. But you'll never be as metrosexual as us! Come on, fags! [snaps his fingers and his group follows him away]
Cartman: GOD I HATE CRAIG!! [Stan and Kenny turn to leave] That son of a... djah!! [leaves. Kyle turns to leave, but has second thoughts.]
Kyle: Chef, I don't feel very metrosexual.
Chef: Well, then, don't buy into this fad, Kyle. Be who you are, not what's cool.
[Mr. Garrison's class, next day. He enters. On the blackboard are two math problems: one addition, one subtraction.]
Mr. Garrison: All right children, let's take our seats.
Class: [in unison] Good morning Mr. Garrison. [their dulcet tones get his attention, and he turns around]
Mr. Garrison: Well, uh d-don't you all look nice.
Timmy: [responds, gestures gaily with his hands] Oooo, Timmy. [the door opens and Kyle enters. A closeup of the boys as Kyle goes to his seat]
Stan: Dude! W-what are you doing?
Kyle: I didn't feel comfortable in that stuff, dude. I'm just being me.
Craig: HA! Told you you guys were straight!
Stan: We're not straight! You're straight!
Jason, Craig, Tweek, Token: You're straight!
Cartman: You're straight like a freeway!
Mr. Garrison: What the hell is going on??
Cartman: You wish you were gay, Craig! In you dreams!!
Craig: I'm not just gay, I'm a catamite. [Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny stay silent, looking at each other]
Cartman: ...So? I'm half bisexual!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, stop it!! You kids don't even know what you're talking about!! Eric, you're not half-bi!!
Cartman: I'm like, a quarter-bi. My grandpa was bi, so that makes me quarter-bi.
Mr. Garrison: WHAT??
[Nighttime. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave walk down the street.]
Mr. Garrison: It was the craziest thing I've ever seen, Mr. Slave. All the children were suddenly acting like being gay was cool. I mean, maybe we're not the only gay couple in town anymore. [they cross the cross street and enter the bar at the corner]
Mr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ.
[The bar, inside. Disco music is playing. Mr. Garrison looks in awe at the metrosexuals now milling about.]
Mr. Garrison: Look at that, Mr. Slave. [a pan shot of the people there. He puts his hands over his mouth] Our cup runneth over.
Mr. Slave: [puts his right hand over his mouth] Jesus Christ.
Jimbo: [standing with Ned at the bar] Mr. Garrison, those are great pants.
Mr. Garrison: Thanks, Jimbo. I really like your outfit, too. [cuddles up to him] Soho... so Jimbo, you... wanna come back to my place with me and Mr. Slave?
Jimbo: Uh, for what?
Mr. Garrison: Well, you know...
Jimbo: No.
Mr. Garrison: Huh.
Randy: Mr. Garrison! [Garrison and Slave walk over] Hey doll.
Mr. Garrison: Oh hey Randy.
Randy: You're looking ultra-fabulous.
Mr. Garrison: Well thanks. You too. [leans in a bit] So uh, Randy, you want me to give you a hand job in the bathroom?
Randy: [turns his back to Mr. Garrison and walks away] Nuno, thanks, I'm, I'm not like that.
Mr. Garrison: Not, not like that?
Richard: [approaches, carries some glasses of wine] How about some shirazz, guys? [Garrison and Slave each take a glass]
Mr. Garrison: Uh-OH, thanks, Mr. Tweek.
Richard: My pleasure, silly-buns.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, wuh, welluh, Mr. Tweek, why don't we uh, go back to my place.
Richard: Why?
Mr. Garrison: Well, you know, I was just thinking we could... put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.
Mr. Slave: Woohoohoohoo, Jesus Christ.
Richard: Wohohoho, goodness no. I, I'm straight.
Mr. Garrison: Straight? Bu-uh, Oh what... Jesus, what the hell is goin' on here?!
Patrons: Huh?
Mr. Garrison: Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?!
Randy: Well, we don't "pound butt," Mr. Garrison, we're straight.
Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!!
Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!!
Skeeter: 'Sokay, Mr. Garrison. We learned that gays are totally cool. You're just one of us now.
Patrons: Yeah.
Mr. Garrison: One of you?! [throws his glass down] We've spent our whole lives tryin' NOT to be one of you! You can't do this to us!!
[South Park Elementary, playground, day]
Cartman: Have you guys seen this? It's a conditioner that you can leave in, and it detoxifies the scalp.
Stan: Wow, is that from Origins?
Cartman: Yeah. It's a charcoal-based thing that-
Kyle: [approaches with a football] Hey guys. You wanna throw the football around?
Cartman: Guys, can I talk to you over here for a second? [pulls Stan and Kenny away from Kyle] Look, guys, a lot of the kids in school are talking, okay? And they're spreading rumors that we're not metrosexuals because... we hang out with Kyle.
Stan: Well, what can we do about it?
Cartman: We have no choice, you guys. We're just gonna have to kill Kyle.
Stan: What?? That's stupid. We wouldn't have to kill Kyle! We would just to tell him not to hang around us anymore.
Cartman: Oh, you know, you're right, Stan. We just have to tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore.
Stan: Yeah. Wait, what?
Cartman: You hear that, Kenny? Stan thinks we should tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore. I think he's right. Good luck telling him, Stan. I... know it won't be easy.
Craig: [approaches with his friends] Hey, butch boy. Nice football you got there. [they laugh at him]
Token: When was the last guy you had a manicure, straight man? [Kyle picks up his football]
Jason: Yeah, let's see that hair. [lifts up Kyle's hat] Look, he's not even using any product! [he and the others laugh at him. Other boys gather in and join in the laughter]
Stan: [returns with Cartman and Kenny] Hey, what's goin' on?
Craig: Oh, here come the butch boys to help their butchy little friend!
Cartman: He's not our friend. [Stan's jaw drops a bit. Cartman looks at Stan and walks away. Kenny follows]
Kyle: Stan? [Stan looks at Kyle, sighs, and walks away]
Jason: [shoves Kyle a bit] This playground is for metrosexuals, macho man!
Craig: Take your non-flaming ass to some other school! [the other boys gather round Kyle and gang up on him]
Kyle: No! Ah!
[South Park sign, now with a bed of flowers under it]
[The Broflovski house. Kyle returns with bruises all over his body. His mom is dusting]
Sheila: [sees him and drops her duster to kneel next to him] Kyle! What happened to you?!
Kyle: [sniffs] I got beat up at school... for being different.
Sheila: WHAT?? Your classmates beat you up for being a Jew?
Kyle: No! For not being a metrosexual.
Sheila: Gerald! Gerald, get down here!
Gerald: [upstairs. Disco music plays] Here I come! [dances down the stairs, then moonwalks right back up, then strikes a pose.]
Kyle: Oh no! Dad's metrosexual too?
Gerald: Kyle! You look terrible! [walks down and approaches him]
Sheila: The boys at school beat him up, Gerald.
Gerald: Oh, really?! Well, don't you worry, Kyle. We can cover that black eye up with some cream base, and the coat and pants we'll bleach with an acid wash for a fun vintage look.
Kyle: Gah! Just leave me alone! [walks away and passes the TV]
A voice: There you go! Now you look fabulous.
Kyan: You see that? A spray-on tan does wonders for your look.
Kyle: GRRRRR!!
Thom: Now let's get down to the tango class and learn some new steps. [the straight man smiles]
Kyle: That does it! I know what I have to do! [walks off]
[Chef's house, day. Mr. Garrison rings the bell]
Chef: Oh, hello, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: [sadly] Chef, can I talk to you?
Chef: Sure. Come on in.
Mr. Garrison: Thanks. Come, Slave. [yanks Mr. Slave in by a leash around his neck. Both men sit on Chef's couch. Mr. Slave buries his face in his hands] Oh, it's just awful, Chef! I used to feel like an outsider, a totally different person who stood out in this town! Now every straight guy is acting gayer than me!
Mr. Slave: [sobs] Oh Jesus! Jesus Christ!
Chef: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Mr. Garrison: Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?
Chef: Oh. Well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.
Mr. Slave: [straightens up] How did you do that?
Chef: Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzie, then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to say "flippity floppity floop."
Mr. Garrison: [slumps forward] We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. [thinks] Wait. [rises] That's it! I know exactly what to do! [yanks on Mr. Slave's leash] Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop. [exits the front door with Mr. Slave]
Chef: Oh no! Damnit! Don't call it that! [the door closes]
[South Park Train Station. Kyle approaches a ticket booth]
Kyle: One ticket to New York, please.
Clerk: [handing a ticket over] You're going to New York alone?
Kyle: I'm going to see the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people.
Clerk: Oooo, great idea! They can help you with those dated clothes.
Kyle: Mrrh. [walks away, then unsheathed a sharp knife. He enters the train. Inside, he walks down the aisle until he sees a bench. He hops onto it and sits down. A few seconds later, he notices the two men to his left, then looks up in recognition: they are Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave. Mr. Garrison is carrying his own knife] Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Kyle, what are you doing here?
Kyle: I'm going to New York to kill the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people!
Mr. Garrison: What?? That's what I'm doing!
Kyle: Oh no! They ruined my life! I get to kill them first!
Mr. Garrison: They took gay culture from real gays and their asses are ours!
Kyle: I thought of it first!
Mr. Garrison: No you didn't! No you didn't!
Kyle: Did so! Did so!
Mr. Garrison: I thought of it yesterday!
Kyle: I thought of it two days ago!
Mr. Garrison: I thought of it before you were born!
Mr. Slave: Stop it, you two! Stop it! Don't you see how crazy this is?
Mr. Garrison: Oh. [sigh] You're right, Mr. Slave. We can both kill them together.
Kyle: Cool.
[South Park Mall, day. The boys are at a clothing store]
Stan: Wow, we look great!
Cartman: Yeah, and let's see Craig out gay us now.
Randy: Boys! Boys! Come on! There's a sale down in Express for Men! [leaves. The boys follow him out. Randy calls out to the other men in the mall] Hey guys! There's a sale in Express for Men! [their wives sit on benches in the center of the mall with nothing to do]
Richard: Oh my God!
Man: Let's go! Let's go!
Ryan: [walking down the far side of the mall] You guys have got to see these shoes I bought!
Gerald: Hurry, you guys! The mall closes in seven hours!
Jimbo: Oh, why can't we all live at the mall?!
Sharon: You know, I'm starting to think this whole metrosexual thing isn't so great.
Linda: I know what you mean. All my husband ever does now is look at himself in the mirror. He cares more about how he looks than how I look.
Mrs. Tweek: I hope something happens soon to put an end to this whole fad.
[HBC Television Headquarters, New York. The head of programming is with the Queer Eye guys]
Head of Programming: Guys, you've done a terrific job. Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is our number one show! [the guys cheer]
Carson: What can I say? We're fabulous.
Head of Programming: You guys are changing the world! And tomorrow, we're gonna have you make over the President of the United States!
Jai: Oh my God, I think I'm gonna faint. [a knock is heard at the door, then it opens]
Mr. Garrison: Room service. [a service cart rolls in]
Head of Programming: What? We didn't order any room service.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, well, the woman at the front desk sent it up.
Head of Programming: Carol? [lifts the platter's lid for a brief peek, then lowers it] Well, I'll have to check on this. Excuse me a minute, fellas. [leaves. Mr. Garrison continues inside the office when the coast is clear. He takes the cart to the desk and parks it there. Kyle pops out and rushes to lock the door]
Kyle: Clear!
Mr. Garrison: [whips out his walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Okay, Mr. Slave! [From a nearby building Mr. Slave swings down like Spiderman and crashes through the window, but passes out on impact. His body collapses on the floor]
Mr. Slave: Unh, Jesus [a chunk of window falls onto his ass] Christ.
Mr. Garrison: Well crap, that didn't work.
[South Park Mall, day. Stan and his group face off against Craig and his group at the center of the mall]
Stan: You'd better shut up, Craig.
Craig: Everyone knows it's true!
Stan: It is not!
Craig: Is so!
Tom: Craig! Behave yourself!
Randy: Yeah, Stanley. What are you fighting about?
Stan: Dad, Craig is trying to say that his dad can out dress you!
Randy: What? Son, that's a silly thing to fight about.
Tom: Yeah. Everyone already knows I dress better than Randy.
Randy: Oh really?!
Tom: I mean, you do have the fashion sense of a Japanese woman.
Some men: Ooooo.
Randy: Please, girlfriend. You look like some kind of Little Orphan Annie nightmare.
Other men: Oh no, errrr!
Sharon: Oh, stop it! Will you all just stop it?! [the men fall silent] Look, you guys are carrying this fad too far! Will you please stop acting this way?!
Tom: You don't... like us being metrosexual?
The Women: NO!
Randy: Well, you know what I think? I think you're all metrophobic!
The Males: Yeah!!
Linda: What?
Jimbo: We shouldn't be fighting amongst ourselves, we should be uniting against metrophobes like these!
Sharon: This is crazy!
Randy: [steps forward, past the boys] Crazy? Different? Outcasts? Call us what you want. But us metros are real people, just like you!
Tom: [steps forward, past the boys] You can metrobash us all you want, but we're here to stay!
Craig: [steps forward, past his father] Yeah Mom! We're proud of who we are.
Cartman: [steps forward] That's right. Proud. You know what I think, guys? I think we should have a metrosexual pride parade.
Ryan: Great idea, Eric! Raise metrosexual awareness!
Stuart: We can make floats and decorate them with streamers and flowers!
Kenny: (Woohoohoo!)
Randy: Come on, fellas! Out of the malls and into the streets!
The Males: Out of the malls and into the streets! Out of the malls and into the streets! Out of the malls and into the streets!
Mrs. Tweek: What the hell did that show do to them?
[HBC Television Headquarters, New York. Police have been called in and have apprehended Mr. Garrison, Mr. Slave, and Kyle]
Officer: You sure you don't want to press charges?
Kyan: That's okay, officer. I think they learned murder is wrong.
Carson: Especially in those pants.
Mr. Garrison: [the cops leave] Look, guys, we're sorry we tried to murder you, but... You have to stop what you're doing!
Jai: Are you crazy?! We're the hottest thing on TV!
Mr. Garrison: But don't you see the price? You're selling out your own kind. Look, us gays have created a lifestyle, a, a culture that is uniquely ours. If we keep trying to make straight people into us, well, we're gonna have no identity left.
Kyan: Sorry Charlie, no sale. [he and the others turn and walk away]
Mr. Garrison: Buh... but... this doesn't make sense! [grabs his head] How can gay men do this to their own people?? [the Queer Eye guys reach the exit] Unless... you're not gay at all... [the guys stop, turn around, look at Garrison angrily, then return]
Thom: You just had to push it, didn't you?!
Jai: Just had to keep asking question!
Carson: [locks the exit] Now you know the truth!
Kyle: They aren't gay? Then what are they?
Kyan: For a thousand years our kind have lived beneath the earth's crust! Banished by man in the Kindling Wars.
Mr. Garrison: Oh my God. [Kyan steps forward and begins to crumble. A walking crab pops out]
Leader: We are the Crab People!
Kyle: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Mr. Slave: Jesus Christ!
The Queer Eye Guys: [they too crumble and advance] Crab People! Crab People! Crab People!
[A subterranean cave. The crab people lead their hostages to their camp. "Crab People! Crab People! Crab People!"]
Crab Leader: [entirely red] See now where we have been forced to live for a thousand years! But soon we shall rule the land above, and mankind will be gone!
Mr. Garrison: Gone?? ["Crab People! Crab People!"]
Crab Man 2: Crab people are too small and weak to take over man by force, and so we came up with our perfect plan! [another crab person walks over to a closet full of human shells, all of them replicas of the Queer Eye guys. The crab person climbs in a Carson replica and closes the shell behind him. Carson's replica comes to life]
Carson replica: If you can't beat man, [drops down from his hook] change man!
Mr. Garrison: I knew it! I knew gay people would never do this to their own kind! [some crab people restrain him and Mr. Slave]
Crab Leader: When all the world is metrosexual, the crab people shall finally reign supreme!! [raises his pincers and claps. The other crab people join him and clap]
Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!
Crab Solo: Taste like crab, talk like people.
Crab People: Crab People!
Kyle: You'll never turn ME into a metrosexual! I like being a dirty, filthy little boy!
Crab Man 2: [approaches] Very well. If we can't make you into metrosexuals, then we will make you into crab people! Take them!! [the crab people swarm in and separate the hostages. Some of them take Kyle into Crabwear and select a crab outfit for him to wear. Then they take him to Crab Salon and put antennae on his hat, then they take him to get a facial, then they march him down the underground road]
Singers

(Crab People):

All things just keep getting better
You... came into my life
(Crab People)
and my world never looked so bright. Yeah.
(Crab People)
It's true. You bring out the best in me.
(Crab People)
When you are around, when you are around,
(Crab People)
All things just keep getting better.
(Crab People)

[South Park, day. A Metrosexual Pride Parade moves down the street in the background, and News 4 is covering it.]
Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where the first Metrosexual Pride Parade is underway! [in a rainbow peacock float Randy, Jimbo, Skeeter and Stuart ride and cheer. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny ride in a banana float which features an ocean wave and a palm tree. On the tree waves a rainbow flag that says "HERE TO STAY"]
The Boys:

We're here! [clap clap]
We're not queer! [clap clap]
But we're close! [clap clap]
Get used to it!
We're here! [clap clap]
We're not queer! [clap clap]
But we're close! [clap clap]
Get used to it!

Sharon: [as the boys' voices fade away] That does it! I can't take it anymore!
The Boys:

We're here! [clap clap]
We're not queer! [clap clap]
But we're close! [clap clap]
Get used to it!

Linda: I should have never wished for a cleaner, neater husband.
Sharon: Ladies, get your things! I know what we have to do! [leads the ladies away. Randy's float hits a pothole and veers to the right. It hits the sushi restaurant as the spectators back away quickly]
Jimbo: Whoa, look out! [the float hits the building and breaks a window. A small fire is heard]
Randy: Oh my God, it's on fire! [the men jump out of the float and run to the other side of the street]
Skeeter: Put it out! Put it out!
Randy: I can't do anything! These are brand-new pants!
Skeeter: The heat could really damage our hair. We'd better let the police handle this!
Officer Barbrady: [seated on his patrol car, buffing his nails] Are you crazy? I just had my uniform pressed!
Jimbo: [the float and building are now fully engulfed in flames] Oh Jesus, it's burning! Oh my God!
Skeeter: Eeeek!
Randy: Put it out! Put it out! Fire!
[HBC Headquarters, New York. The Queer Eye guys work on President Bush on their show]
Carson: Mr. President, it is such an honor to make you over!
Kyan: Now, we've got to do something with your hair.
Thom: And your nails are filthy. Let's get those clean.
Head of Programming: This is gay gold! [Mr. Garrison, Mr. Slave, and Kyle look down from the sound booth]
Mr. Garrison: Stop them! They're crab people!
Crab Man 3: They cannot see or hear us, foolish man. Now stand by and watch as your pitiful race becomes helpless!!
Carson: That is very good, Mr. President. Now, put on this silk jacket. [Kyan, Jai, and Thom remove the President's coat and Carson hands him the jacket]
Kyle: No Mr. President!! Don't do it! [the crab man holding him quickly covers his mouth] Help!
Mr. Garrison: You bastards!
Kyan: That looks great! Now, how about some moisturizer. [Bush and the guys smile. The studio door bursts open and the women flood into the studio wielding bats]
Sharon: There they are! Get 'em!
Kyan: What? [their smiles vanish]
Linda: You turned our husbands into whiny little wusses!!
Sarah: It's payback time! [the women rush in and start beating up the Queer Eye guys]
Head of Programming: Oh my God, what are they doing?!
Crab Man 3: Oh noooo!! [Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave react and crack the crab people in two in the booth as the women finish Queer Eye guys off below]
Head of Programming: [kneeling at the corpses of Carson and Kyan] Wha? What have you done?
Sharon: We're sorry, but we didn't have a choice. You see, at first we liked having our men be clean and neat. We thought that having them use product in their hair and wanting facials would make them sexier. But it doesn't.
Linda: That's right. Event though my Steven sickens me out sometimes, it's his rugged manly grossness that I'm attracted to.
Sarah: We're sorry, but we knew that the only answer was tuh kill the Queer Eye guys.
Head of Programming: Well you're going to jail for thi-! [Kyan's body begins to move, and the HoP looks down] Wait a minute. [a crab man crawls out] What is that?
Crab Leader: No! Our evil plans! Noooo... [dies]
Head of Programming: Oh my God. They were crab people.
Mr. Garrison: [enters the studio with Slave and Kyle in tow] Yes! They were tryingn to systematically make men into wusses so they could take over the world!
Kyle: Mom!
Sheila: Kyle!
Head of Programming: I should have known they were crab people. They tried this before with The Jefferson.
Mr. Garrison: So now, can you please change your network's programming?
Head of Programming: Yes. Yes, I think this gay fad is over. Gentlemen, back to Studio 12! We're gonna bring back the Latin fad.
[South Park. The sign has been redrawn with a barrio graffiti font.]
[The McCormick house, day. Randy, Jimbo, Skeeter, and Stuart are now dressed as cholos on the porch. Two six-packs of Coronas are on the ground. Some of the bottles are already empty]
Randy: Hey eses.
Stuart: Hey hefe. You want some cerveza? [hands Randy a beer.]
[South Park Elementary, day. Kyle walks into view in the school hall]
Stan: Kyle. Hey, ese. You wanna come play catch with us?
Kyle: [pause] What? Y-you want me to hang out with you?
Stan: Yeah. It's cool, holmes.
Kyle: ...No, dude, it really isn't cool. You all turned your backs on me. You're supposed to be my best friends and you just... treated me like nothing! And now you all expect me to just forget it all and, and hang out with you again like nothing happened?
Stan: Aw Jesus, Kyle, don't be such a whiny little gaywad! Come play catch with us. [turns and walks away]
Cartman: Yeah, don't be such a fag, dude! [turns and walks away. Kenny just looks at him and walks off. Kyle looks away, then back at the boys, then walks away in the opposite direction. He stops, thinks for a while, then turns around and hurries to them]
Kyle: God-damnit!
[End of South Park is Gay!]


  708: "South Park is Gay!" edit
Story Elements

Queer Eye for the Straight GuyCrab People • "All Things Just Keep Getting Better"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Seventh Season

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