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South Park is Gay!/Script

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Randy Marsh
  • Linda Stotch
  • Sarah Swanson
  • Ryan Swanson
  • Richard Tweak
  • Mrs. Tweak
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Skeeter
  • Thomas Tucker
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Slave
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
    • Ted
    • Kyan
    • Carson
    • Jai
    • Thom
  • HBC Executives
  • HBC Head of Programming
  • Crab People
  • Craig Tucker
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Butters Stotch
  • Tweek Tweak
  • Jason
  • Timmy Burch
  • Token Black
  • Announcers
  • Singers
  • Reporter
  • Connor
  • Jerome "Chef" McElroy
  • South Park Train Station Clerk

Script

South Park is Gay!
South Park, school bus stop, morning. Stan, Cartman and Kenny wait for the bus. Stan is dressed in fishnet tank top, artsy pants, and a new, furry cap with the same colors as his old one. Cartman is dressed in a Madonna fashion shirt and artsy pants. His hair is tussled and brighter than usual. Kenny is dressed in a purple parka with light purple sleeves. A lock of his hair peeks out from under the hood.
Stan
Oh my God, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night.
Cartman
What? Tell us?
Stan
So, I'm watching the season premiere of Boy Meets Boy on television, and then Queer Eye for the Straight Guy comes on, right? So I fall asleep in front of the TV, and when I wake up, I see that I've spilled the Coke I was drinking all over my satin pajama top.
Cartman
Oh my Gosh, are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!
Stan
I know!
Kenny
(I just LOVE this jacket 'cause it's SOOO beautiful!)
Stan
Oh, tell me about it, Ken doll.
Kyle
[joins them, but dressed as usual] Hey dudes. [the others glance at him]
Cartman
[begins to laugh at him] What a dork!
Kyle
What?
Cartman
Nice jacket, Kyle! Polyester is really the hot fabric this fall! [laughs heartily]
Kyle
Well, but, this is the jacket I always wear.
Stan
You've gotta get with the times, girlfriend.
Cartman
Yeah, that jacket is so September 10th. [Stan inspects Kyle's jacket]
Stan
Oohh my God, you got splotches on your neck. Are you using any exfoliating products at all??
Cartman
We can't let Kyle out in public like this, you guys.
Kenny
(That's the truth.)
Stan
Come on, Kyle! We're giving you a makeover! [the boys excitedly pull Kyle along to South Park Mall]
Montage
Singers (Widelife)

You... came into my life... and my world never looked so bright. Yeah.
It's true. You bring out the best in me.
When you are around, when you are around, all things just keep getting better.
It keeps getting better. Life keeps getting better and better (All things just keep getting better).

The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila watch TV from their couch
Announcer
Coming up on HBC, it's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!
Carson
[a shot of Queer Eye...] We have got to get you some tighter-fitting shirts!
Announcer
[the night's schedule pops up over the scene] Then it's Boy Meets Boy, followed by Will and Grace, and then, the Love Boat... with Men.
Sheila
My goodness, there certainly are a lot of gay shows on television these days.
Gerald
Yeah. I think it's great that gays are finally being so accepted. [the door opens and the four newly-clothed boys enter]
Kyle
[waves] Hi Mom, Hi Dad!
Gerald
[looks and jumps to his feet] HAAAAAA!!! [walks over to Kyle] Kyle! What's happened to you??
Kyle
I'm just trying to fit in, Daddy. Don't be such a drama queen! [leads the others boys out of the living room]
Gerald
Oh my God! Come on, Sheila! [she rises] We'd better go tell the other parents what's going on!! [they leave.]
The Marsh house. Gerald is pounding on the front door and Sharon answers.
Sharon
Oh hi Gerald, Sheila.
Gerald
Hi Sharon. Uh, we need to talk to you about the boys.
Sharon
Sure. Come on in. The guys are all watching TV.
Gerald
Oh, is the game on or something? [they move towards the sofa, where a bunch of the men are watching]
Randy
[moves over to Gerald and hugs him] Heeey Geraaald! How are youuuu!! [the other men greet him as well]
Other Men
Geraaald! Hi Gerald.
Stuart
Sit down, Jer-Jer! Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is on.
Gerald
Oh no! Y-you guys all turned gay too?? [the other men laugh]
Randy
Not gay, Gerald, metrosexual.
Gerald
What's that?
Skeeter
Just because a guy cares about how he looks and is in touch with his feminine side doesn't mean he's gay anymore.
Stuart
Yeah. Metrosexual means you're straight, but you appreciate the gay culture.
Randy
It's super-fabulous. Would you like some shirazz?
The ladies look on from the kitchen.
Sharon
Don't our men look
Linda
Haven't you seen Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, Sheila? These five gay men go around and show straight men how to better themselves. It's the best.
Sheila
It is?
Sharon
Well sure, Sheila. Our husbands are all so clean and neat. My Randy irons his clothes and even has pedicures.
Linda
And they like to talk about their feeling now and drink wine and decorate the house.
Sarah
My Steven shaved his chest and his balls. Oooh, I love it!
Sharon
And how about our boys, huh? Ever since gay culture became cool, our boys bathe every night and brush their teeth three times a day. This is the greatest thing ever.
Sheila
I don't know. Sometimes boys take cultural fads too far...
South Park, day. The boys go to school in their new threads. They stop at the main entrance.
Stan
Dude, I can't wait for Wendy to see how gay I look!
Cartman
That's true, you guys. When the chicks at school see how gay we are, they're gonna be all over us.
Kenny
(Woohoo!!)
Stan
All right. Let's work it! [shimmies a bit. The boys turn and pass through the entrance, but stop in their tracks.] What the...?
Butters
Tootaloo, Connor. See ya after classes.
Connor
Okay, sweetums. [they part ways. Butters goes off to his right. Farther away, near the drinking fountains, stand Timmy, Jimmy, Kevin, and Pip]
Clyde
Oh my God, where is my homework?! I am freaking out! [turns right and follows after Butters. The boys look on in stunned silence]
A Boy
Hey dudes. [the boys look and it's Craig with Token, Jason, and Tweek]
Stan
Hey Craig.
Craig
You guys look pretty gay.
Kyle
[happily] Thanks.
Craig
[him and his group are not happy about it] Not as gay as us, though.
Cartman
[moves in front of Kyle] Oh, please Craig, we're ten times gayer than you!
Craig
Oh yeah?! We're super duper triple-dog gay!
Cartman
Oh yeah?! We're all ultra super stamp it stamp it no erasies mega gay!
Chef
[arrives] What's all this fightin' about, children?!
Stan
These guys are trying to say they're gayer than us!
Chef
Aw nah. Don't tell me you children have taken up this whole metrosexual fad, too.
Stan
Oh My God, this is not a fad, this is who we are!
Chef
No it isn't. Last year you children were all trying to be black, and now you're trying to be gay!
Stan
We're metrosexual!!
Craig
Maybe. But you'll never be as metrosexual as us! Come on, fags! [snaps his fingers and his group follows him away]
Cartman
GOD I HATE CRAIG!! [Stan and Kenny turn to leave] That son of a... djah!! [leaves. Kyle turns to leave, but has second thoughts.]
Kyle
Chef, I don't feel very metrosexual.
Chef
Well, then, don't buy into this fad, Kyle. Be who you are, not what's cool.
Mr. Garrison's class, next day. He enters. On the blackboard are two math problems: one addition, one subtraction.
Mr. Garrison
All right children, let's take our seats.
Class
[in unison] Good morning Mr. Garrison. [their dulcet tones get his attention, and he turns around]
Mr. Garrison
Well, uh d-don't you all look nice.
Timmy
[responds, gestures gaily with his hands] Oooo, Timmy. [the door opens and Kyle enters. A closeup of the boys as Kyle goes to his seat]
Stan
Dude! W-what are you doing?
Kyle
I didn't feel comfortable in that stuff, dude. I'm just being me.
Craig
HA! Told you you guys were straight!
Stan
We're not straight! You're straight!
Jason, Craig, Tweek, Token
You're straight!
Cartman
You're straight like a freeway!
Mr. Garrison
What the hell is going on??
Cartman
You wish you were gay, Craig! In you dreams!!
Craig
I'm not just gay, I'm a catamite. [Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny stay silent, looking at each other]
Cartman
...So? I'm half bisexual!
Mr. Garrison
Oh, stop it!! You kids don't even know what you're talking about!! Eric, you're not half-bi!!
Cartman
I'm like, a quarter-bi. My grandpa was bi, so that makes me quarter-bi.
Mr. Garrison
WHAT??
Nighttime. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave walk down the street.
Mr. Garrison
It was the craziest thing I've ever seen, Mr. Slave. All the children were suddenly acting like being gay was cool. I mean, maybe we're not the only gay couple in town anymore. [they cross the cross street and enter the bar at the corner]
Mr. Slave
Oh, Jesus Christ.
The bar, inside. Disco music is playing. Mr. Garrison looks in awe at the metrosexuals now milling about.
Mr. Garrison
Look at that, Mr. Slave. [a pan shot of the people there. He puts his hands over his mouth] Our cup runneth over.
Mr. Slave
[puts his right hand over his mouth] Jesus Christ.
Jimbo
[standing with Ned at the bar] Mr. Garrison, those are great pants.
Mr. Garrison
Thanks, Jimbo. I really like your outfit, too. [cuddles up to him] Soho... so Jimbo, you... wanna come back to my place with me and Mr. Slave?
Jimbo
Uh, for what?
Mr. Garrison
Well, you know...
Jimbo
No.
Mr. Garrison
Huh.
Randy
Mr. Garrison! [Garrison and Slave walk over] Hey doll.
Mr. Garrison
Oh hey Randy.
Randy
You're looking ultra-fabulous.
Mr. Garrison
Well thanks. You too. [leans in a bit] So uh, Randy, you want me to give you a hand job in the bathroom?
Randy
[turns his back to Mr. Garrison and walks away] Nuno, thanks, I'm, I'm not like that.
Mr. Garrison
Not, not like that?
Richard
[approaches, carries some glasses of wine] How about some shirazz, guys? [Garrison and Slave each take a glass]
Mr. Garrison
Uh-Oh, thanks, Mr. Tweek.
Richard
My pleasure, silly-buns.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, wuh, well uh, Mr. Tweek, why don't we uh, go back to my place.
Richard
Why?
Mr. Garrison
Well, you know, I was just thinking we could... put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.
Mr. Slave
Woohoohoohoo, Jesus Christ.
Richard
Wohohoho, goodness no. I, I'm straight.
Mr. Garrison
Straight? Bu-uh, Oh what... Jesus, what the hell is goin' on here?!
Patrons
Huh?
Mr. Garrison
Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?!
Randy
Well, we don't "pound butt," Mr. Garrison, we're straight.
Mr. Garrison
Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!!
Jimbo
Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
Mr. Garrison
No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!!
Skeeter
So, Mr. Garrison. We learned that gays are totally cool. You're just one of us now.
Patrons
Yeah.
Mr. Garrison
One of you?! [throws his glass down] We've spent our whole lives tryin' NOT to be one of you! You can't do this to us!!
South Park Elementary, playground, day.
Cartman
Have you guys seen this? It's a conditioner that you can leave in, and it detoxifies the scalp.
Stan
Wow, is that from Origins?
Cartman
Yeah. It's a charcoal-based thing that-
Kyle
[approaches with a football] Hey guys. You wanna throw the football around?
Cartman
Guys, can I talk to you over here for a second? [pulls Stan and Kenny away from Kyle] Look, guys, a lot of the kids in school are talking, okay? And they're spreading rumors that we're not metrosexuals because... we hang out with Kyle.
Stan
Well, what can we do about it?
Cartman
We have no choice, you guys. We're just gonna have to kill Kyle.
Stan
What?? That's stupid. We wouldn't have to kill Kyle! We would just to tell him not to hang around us anymore.
Cartman
Oh, you know, you're right, Stan. We just have to tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore.
Stan
Yeah. Wait, what?
Cartman
You hear that, Kenny? Stan thinks we should tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore. I think he's right. Good luck telling him, Stan. I... know it won't be easy.
Craig
[approaches with his friends] Hey, butch boy. Nice football you got there. [they laugh at him]
Token
When was the last guy you had a manicure, straight man? [Kyle picks up his football]
Jason
Yeah, let's see that hair. [lifts up Kyle's hat] Look, he's not even using any product! [he and the others laugh at him. Other boys gather in and join in the laughter]
Stan
[returns with Cartman and Kenny] Hey, what's goin' on?
Craig
Oh, here come the butch boys to help their butchy little friend!
Cartman
He's not our friend. [Stan's jaw drops a bit. Cartman looks at Stan and walks away. Kenny follows]
Kyle
Stan? [Stan looks at Kyle, sighs, and walks away]
Jason
[shoves Kyle a bit] This playground is for metrosexuals, macho man!
Craig
Take your non-flaming ass to some other school! [the other boys gather round Kyle and gang up on him]
Kyle
No! Ah!
South Park sign, now with a bed of flowers under it.
The Broflovski house. Kyle returns with bruises all over his body. His mom is dusting.
Sheila
[sees him and drops her duster to kneel next to him] Kyle! What happened to you?!
Kyle
[sniffs] I got beat up at school... for being different.
Sheila
WHAT?? Your classmates beat you up for being a Jew?
Kyle
No! For not being a metrosexual.
Sheila
Gerald! Gerald, get down here!
Gerald
[upstairs. Disco music plays] Here I come! [dances down the stairs, then moonwalks right back up, then strikes a pose.]
Kyle
Oh no! Dad's metrosexual too?
Gerald
Kyle! You look terrible! [walks down and approaches him]
Sheila
The boys at school beat him up, Gerald.
Gerald
Oh, really?! Well, don't you worry, Kyle. We can cover that black eye up with some cream base, and the coat and pants we'll bleach with an acid wash for a fun vintage look.
Kyle
Gah! Just leave me alone! [walks away and passes the TV]
A voice
There you go! Now you look fabulous.
Kyan
You see that? A spray-on tan does wonders for your look.
Kyle
GRRRRR!!
Thom
Now let's get down to the tango class and learn some new steps. [the straight man smiles]
Kyle
That does it! I know what I have to do! [walks off]
Chef's house, day. Mr. Garrison rings the bell.
Chef
Oh, hello, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
[sadly] Chef, can I talk to you?
Chef
Sure. Come on in.
Mr. Garrison
Thanks. Come, Slave. [yanks Mr. Slave in by a leash around his neck. Both men sit on Chef's couch. Mr. Slave buries his face in his hands] Oh, it's just awful, Chef! I used to feel like an outsider, a totally different person who stood out in this town! Now every straight guy is acting gayer than me!
Mr. Slave
[sobs] Oh Jesus! Jesus Christ!
Chef
Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Mr. Garrison
Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?
Chef
Oh. Well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.
Mr. Slave
[straightens up] How did you do that?
Chef
Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzie, then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to say "flippity floppity floop."
Mr. Garrison
[slumps forward] We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. [thinks] Wait. [rises] That's it! I know exactly what to do! [yanks on Mr. Slave's leash] Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop. [exits the front door with Mr. Slave]
Chef
Oh no! Damnit! Don't call it that! [the door closes]
South Park Train Station. Kyle approaches a ticket booth.
Kyle
One ticket to New York, please.
Clerk
[handing a ticket over] You're going to New York alone?
Kyle
I'm going to see the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people.
Clerk
Oooo, great idea! They can help you with those dated clothes.
Kyle
Mrrh.
Kyle walks away, then unsheathed a sharp knife. He enters the train. Inside, he walks down the aisle until he sees a bench. He hops onto it and sits down. A few seconds later, he notices the two men to his left, then looks up in recognition: they are Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave. Mr. Garrison is carrying his own knife.
Kyle
Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison
Kyle, what are you doing here?
Kyle
I'm going to New York to kill the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people!
Mr. Garrison
What?? That's what I'm doing!
Kyle
Oh no! They ruined my life! I get to kill them first!
Mr. Garrison
They took gay culture from real gays and their asses are ours!
Kyle
I thought of it first!
Mr. Garrison
No you didn't! No you didn't!
Kyle
Did so! Did so!
Mr. Garrison
I thought of it yesterday!
Kyle
I thought of it two days ago!
Mr. Garrison
I thought of it before you were born!
Mr. Slave
Stop it, you two! Stop it! Don't you see how crazy this is?
Mr. Garrison
Oh. [sigh] You're right, Mr. Slave. We can both kill them together.
Kyle
Cool.
South Park Mall, day. The boys are at a clothing store.
Stan
Wow, we look great!
Cartman
Yeah, and let's see Craig out gay us now.
Randy
Boys! Boys! Come on! There's a sale down in Express for Men! [leaves. The boys follow him out. Randy calls out to the other men in the mall] Hey guys! There's a sale in Express for Men! [their wives sit on benches in the center of the mall with nothing to do]
Richard
Oh my God!
Man
Let's go! Let's go!
Ryan
[walking down the far side of the mall] You guys have got to see these shoes I bought!
Gerald
Hurry, you guys! The mall closes in seven hours!
Jimbo
Oh, why can't we all live at the mall?!
Sharon
You know, I'm starting to think this whole metrosexual thing isn't so great.
Linda
I know what you mean. All my husband ever does now is look at himself in the mirror. He cares more about how he looks than how I look.
Mrs. Tweek
I hope something happens soon to put an end to this whole fad.
HBC Television Headquarters, New York. The head of programming is with the Queer Eye guys.
Head of Programming
Guys, you've done a terrific job. Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is our number one show! [the guys cheer]
Carson
What can I say? We're fabulous.
Head of Programming
You guys are changing the world! And tomorrow, we're gonna have you make over the President of the United States!
Jai
Oh my God, I think I'm gonna faint. [a knock is heard at the door, then it opens]
Mr. Garrison
Room service. [a service cart rolls in]
Head of Programming
What? We didn't order any room service.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, well, the woman at the front desk sent it up.
Head of Programming
Carol? [lifts the platter's lid for a brief peek, then lowers it] Well, I'll have to check on this. Excuse me a minute, fellas. [leaves. Mr. Garrison continues inside the office when the coast is clear. He takes the cart to the desk and parks it there. Kyle pops out and rushes to lock the door]
Kyle
Clear!
Mr. Garrison
[whips out his walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Okay, Mr. Slave! [From a nearby building Mr. Slave swings down like Spiderman and crashes through the window, but passes out on impact. His body collapses on the floor]
Mr. Slave
Unh, Jesus [a chunk of window falls onto his ass] Christ.
Mr. Garrison
Well crap, that didn't work.
South Park Mall, day. Stan and his group face off against Craig and his group at the center of the mall.
Stan
You'd better shut up, Craig.
Craig
Everyone knows it's true!
Stan
It is not!
Craig
Is so!
Tom
Craig! Behave yourself!
Randy
Yeah, Stanley. What are you fighting about?
Stan
Dad, Craig is trying to say that his dad can out dress you!
Randy
What? Son, that's a silly thing to fight about.
Tom
Yeah. Everyone already knows I dress better than Randy.
Randy
Oh really?!
Tom
I mean, you do have the fashion sense of a Japanese woman.
Men
Ooooo.
Randy
Please, girlfriend. You look like some kind of Little Orphan Annie nightmare.
Other men
Oh no, errrr!
Sharon
Oh, stop it! Will you all just stop it?! [the men fall silent] Look, you guys are carrying this fad too far! Will you please stop acting this way?!
Tom
You don't... like us being metrosexual?
The Women
NO!
Randy
Well, you know what I think? I think you're all metrophobic!
The Males
Yeah!!
Linda
What?
Jimbo
We shouldn't be fighting amongst ourselves, we should be uniting against metrophobes like these!
Sharon
This is crazy!
Randy
[steps forward, past the boys] Crazy? Different? Outcasts? Call us what you want. But us metros are real people, just like you!
Tom
[steps forward, past the boys] You can metrobash us all you want, but we're here to stay!
Craig
[steps forward, past his father] Yeah Mom! We're proud of who we are.
Cartman
[steps forward] That's right. Proud. You know what I think, guys? I think we should have a metrosexual pride parade.
Ryan
Great idea, Eric! Raise metrosexual awareness!
Stuart
We can make floats and decorate them with streamers and flowers!
Kenny
(Woohoohoo!)
Randy
Come on, fellas! Out of the malls and into the streets!
The Males
Out of the malls and into the streets! Out of the malls and into the streets! Out of the malls and into the streets!
Mrs. Tweek
What the hell did that show do to them?
HBC Television Headquarters, New York. Police have been called in and have apprehended Mr. Garrison, Mr. Slave, and Kyle.
Officer
You sure you don't want to press charges?
Kyan
That's okay, officer. I think they learned murder is wrong.
Carson
Especially in those pants.
Mr. Garrison
[the cops leave] Look, guys, we're sorry we tried to murder you, but... You have to stop what you're doing!
Jai
Are you crazy?! We're the hottest thing on TV!
Mr. Garrison
But don't you see the price? You're selling out your own kind. Look, us gays have created a lifestyle, a, a culture that is uniquely ours. If we keep trying to make straight people into us, well, we're gonna have no identity left.
Kyan
Sorry Charlie, no sale. [he and the others turn and walk away]
Mr. Garrison
Buh... but... this doesn't make sense! [grabs his head] How can gay men do this to their own people?? [the Queer Eye guys reach the exit] Unless... you're not gay at all... [the guys stop, turn around, look at Garrison angrily, then return]
Thom
You just had to push it, didn't you?!
Jai
Just had to keep asking question!
Carson
[locks the exit] Now you know the truth!
Kyle
They aren't gay? Then what are they?
Kyan
For a thousand years our kind have lived beneath the earth's crust! Banished by man in the Kindling Wars.
Mr. Garrison
Oh my God. [Kyan steps forward and begins to crumble. A walking crab pops out]
Leader
We are the Crab People!
Kyle
AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Mr. Slave
Jesus Christ!
The Queer Eye Guys
[they too crumble and advance] Crab People! Crab People! Crab People!
A subterranean cave. The crab people lead their hostages to their camp.
Crab People
Crab People! Crab People! Crab People!.
Crab Leader
[entirely red] See now where we have been forced to live for a thousand years! But soon we shall rule the land above, and mankind will be gone!
Mr. Garrison
Gone?? ["Crab People! Crab People!"]
Crab Man 2
Crab people are too small and weak to take over man by force, and so we came up with our perfect plan! [another crab person walks over to a closet full of human shells, all of them replicas of the Queer Eye guys. The crab person climbs in a Carson replica and closes the shell behind him. Carson's replica comes to life]
Carson replica
If you can't beat man, [drops down from his hook] change man!
Mr. Garrison
I knew it! I knew gay people would never do this to their own kind! [some crab people restrain him and Mr. Slave]
Crab Leader
When all the world is metrosexual, the crab people shall finally reign supreme!! [raises his pincers and claps. The other crab people join him and clap]
Crab People
Crab People! Crab People!
Crab Solo
Taste like crab, talk like people.
Crab People
Crab People!
Kyle
You'll never turn ME into a metrosexual! I like being a dirty, filthy little boy!
Crab Man 2
[approaches] Very well. If we can't make you into metrosexuals, then we will make you into crab people! Take them!! [the crab people swarm in and separate the hostages. Some of them take Kyle into Crabwear and select a crab outfit for him to wear. Then they take him to Crab Salon and put antennae on his hat, then they take him to get a facial, then they march him down the underground road]
Singers
(Crab People)

All things just keep getting better
You... came into my life
(Crab People)
and my world never looked so bright. Yeah.
(Crab People)
It's true. You bring out the best in me.
(Crab People)
When you are around, when you are around,
(Crab People)
All things just keep getting better.
(Crab People)

South Park, day. A Metrosexual Pride Parade moves down the street in the background, and News 4 is covering it.
Reporter
Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where the first Metrosexual Pride Parade is underway! [in a rainbow peacock float Randy, Jimbo, Skeeter and Stuart ride and cheer. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny ride in a banana float which features an ocean wave and a palm tree. On the tree waves a rainbow flag that says "Here to Stay"
The Boys

We're here! [clap clap]
We're not queer! [clap clap]
But we're close! [clap clap]
Get used to it!
We're here! [clap clap]
We're not queer! [clap clap]
But we're close! [clap clap]
Get used to it!

Sharon
[as the boys' voices fade away] That does it! I can't take it anymore!
The Boys

We're here! [clap clap]
We're not queer! [clap clap]
But we're close! [clap clap]
Get used to it!

Linda
I should have never wished for a cleaner, neater husband.
Sharon
Ladies, get your things! I know what we have to do! [leads the ladies away. Randy's float hits a pothole and veers to the right. It hits the sushi restaurant as the spectators back away quickly]
Jimbo
Whoa, look out! [the float hits the building and breaks a window. A small fire is heard]
Randy
Oh my God, it's on fire! [the men jump out of the float and run to the other side of the street]
Skeeter
Put it out! Put it out!
Randy
I can't do anything! These are brand-new pants!
Skeeter
The heat could really damage our hair. We'd better let the police handle this!
Officer Barbrady
[seated on his patrol car, buffing his nails] Are you crazy? I just had my uniform pressed!
Jimbo
[the float and building are now fully engulfed in flames] Oh Jesus, it's burning! Oh my God!
Skeeter
Eeeek!
Randy
Put it out! Put it out! Fire!
HBC Headquarters, New York. The Queer Eye guys work on President Bush on their show.
Carson
Mr. President, it is such an honor to make you over!
Kyan
Now, we've got to do something with your hair.
Thom
And your nails are filthy. Let's get those clean.
Head of Programming
This is gay gold! [Mr. Garrison, Mr. Slave, and Kyle look down from the sound booth]
Mr. Garrison
Stop them! They're crab people!
Crab Man 3
They cannot see or hear us, foolish man. Now stand by and watch as your pitiful race becomes helpless!!
Carson
That is very good, Mr. President. Now, put on this silk jacket. [Kyan, Jai, and Thom remove the President's coat and Carson hands him the jacket]
Kyle
No Mr. President!! Don't do it! [the crab man holding him quickly covers his mouth] Help!
Mr. Garrison
You bastards!
Kyan
That looks great! Now, how about some moisturizer. [Bush and the guys smile. The studio door bursts open and the women flood into the studio wielding bats]
Sharon
There they are! Get 'em!
Kyan
What? [their smiles vanish]
Linda
You turned our husbands into whiny little wusses!!
Sarah
It's payback time! [the women rush in and start beating up the Queer Eye guys]
Head of Programming
Oh my God, what are they doing?!
Crab Man 3
Oh noooo!! [Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave react and crack the crab people in two in the booth as the women finish Queer Eye guys off below]
Head of Programming
[kneeling at the corpses of Carson and Kyan] Wha? What have you done?
Sharon
We're sorry, but we didn't have a choice. You see, at first we liked having our men be clean and neat. We thought that having them use product in their hair and wanting facials would make them sexier. But it doesn't.
Linda
That's right. Event though my Steven sickens me out sometimes, it's his rugged manly grossness that I'm attracted to.
Sarah
We're sorry, but we knew that the only answer was tuh kill the Queer Eye guys.
Head of Programming
Well you're going to jail for thi-! [Kyan's body begins to move, and the HoP looks down] Wait a minute. [a crab man crawls out] What is that?
Crab Leader
No! Our evil plans! Noooo... [dies]
Head of Programming
Oh my God. They were crab people.
Mr. Garrison
[enters the studio with Slave and Kyle in tow] Yes! They were trying to systematically make men into wusses so they could take over the world!
Kyle
Mom!
Sheila
Kyle!
Head of Programming
I should have known they were crab people. They tried this before with The Jefferson.
Mr. Garrison
So now, can you please change your network's programming?
Head of Programming
Yes. Yes, I think this gay fad is over. Gentlemen, back to Studio 12! We're gonna bring back the Latin fad.
South Park. The sign has been redrawn with a barrio graffiti font.
The McCormick house, day. Randy, Jimbo, Skeeter, and Stuart are now dressed as cholos on the porch. Two six-packs of Coronas are on the ground. Some of the bottles are already empty.
Randy
Hey eses.
Stuart
Hey hefe. You want some cerveza? [hands Randy a beer.]
South Park Elementary, day. Kyle walks into view in the school hall.
Stan
Kyle. Hey, ese. You wanna come play catch with us?
Kyle
What? Y-you want me to hang out with you?
Stan
Yeah. It's cool, holmes.
Kyle
No, dude, it really isn't cool. You all turned your backs on me. You're supposed to be my best friends and you just... treated me like nothing! And now you all expect me to just forget it all and, and hang out with you again like nothing happened?
Stan
Aw Jesus, Kyle, don't be such a whiny little gaywad! Come play catch with us. [turns and walks away]
Cartman
Yeah, don't be such a fag, dude! [turns and walks away. Kenny just looks at him and walks off. Kyle looks away, then back at the boys, then walks away in the opposite direction. He stops, thinks for a while, then turns around and hurries to them]
Kyle
God-damnit!
End of South Park is Gay!


  708: "South Park is Gay!" edit
Story Elements

Queer Eye for the Straight GuyCrab People • "All Things Just Keep Getting Better"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Seventh Season

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