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Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods/Script

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The official script for "Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Mr. Garrison and Mr. Twig
  • The Classmates
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Chef
  • Annie Knitts
  • Butters Stotch
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Fosse McDonald
  • Veronica Crabtree
  • Principal Victoria
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Nurse Gollum
  • The Two Teens
  • Dr. Tristan Adams
  • Missy
  • Simon van Gelder
  • Liane Cartman
  • Grandma Cartman
  • Cheesy Poofs Commercial Hopefuls
  • Cheesy Poofs Announcer
  • Call-back Judges
  • Cheesy Poofs Director
  • Det. Barnaby Jones
  • Police Commissioner
  • A Poor Girl and Her Mom

Script

Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods
A television is on, near the end of an episode of Barnaby Jones.
Police Commissioner
Well, detective. It looks like ya fooled them again.
Barnaby Jones
[Now quite old.] All in a day's work, I guess. I just hope that next time, I won't have to run so much.
The end credits roll and the TV is turned off.
The camera backs up to reveal that the TV is in Mr. Garrison's class.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, what do you think Barnaby Jones meant when he said, "This is not a victimless crime"? Anybody?
The kids just stare at him.
Mr. Garrison
Children, were you paying attention?!
Kyle
Mr. Garrison, we've been watching Barnaby Jones repeats for eight days now. It's hard to keep paying attention.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, well excuse me, Kyle! Why don't you just forget what Barnaby Jones has to say?! Why don't you not pay attention to Barnaby Jones and then let's see how far you get in society?! Okay, Stanley, why don't you tell us how Barnaby Jones knew the poison was in the milk?
Stan
Can't we just be like normal third-graders for a little while?
Mr. Garrison
Oh, and what do you consider normal?!
Stan
I don't know, like, learn about art 'n music and go on field trips and stuff.
The Class
Yeah!
Mr. Garrison
Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, it just so happens we are going on a field trip tomorrow!
The Class
Hooray!
Kyle
To where?
Mr. Garrison
To the planetarium.
The Class
AAWWWW!
Cartman
Planetariums suck!
Mr. Garrison
Oh now, what's wrong with the planetarium?
Stan
It's boring.
Kyle
Yeah, all the constellations look alike.
Mr. Garrison
Well, too bad! You're all going to the planetarium tomorrow and you're all going to love it! In the meantime, we're going to watch episode #203, Barnaby Under Siege.
The Class
[Softly.] Aawwww.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, sorry, I taped these at home, so there's more commercials.
A Cheesy Poofs commercial begins to play. A blonde wearing a Cheesy Poofs shirt is shown hiding something off camera.
Announcer
Hey kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs?
She pulls out the box.
The Class
Yes.
Announcer
Well, Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid to sing the happy Cheesy Poofs song. Watch for our talent van as it goes around the country.
Cartman
I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song!
Announcer
If you win, you could be picked to be in our next Cheesy Poofs commercial. So remember,

I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs
If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame.

Cartman is singing along by the end of the first line.
The next day. Mr. Garrison and the class are headed away from South Park on Ms. Crabtree's bus. The kids are making a lot of noise and running around. Mr. Garrison stands at the front of the bus.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, let's quiet down so the nice bus driver can concentrate on the road.
Ms. Crabtree
THAT AIN'T HOW YOU DO IT! YOU DO IT LIKE THIS: SIDDOWN AND SHUT UP!!
Mr. Garrison jumps back and the kids hurry to their seats.
Mr. Garrison
[Rubbing the back of his head.] Ow! Jesus, lady!
Tantalus V. Observatory. Ms. Crabtree hits the brakes so hard the bus bucks and sends kids flying out of their seats.
Ms. Crabtree
THIS IS THE PLANETARIUM, WATCH YOUR STEP ON THE WAY DOWN SO AS NOT TO HURT YOURSEELF!
Kid
[Voice quivering.] Ow.
The kids have all exited the bus.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, now I'm going to remind you that this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel. Let's behave ourselves.
Announcer
[Over a loudspeaker nearby.] Does your child have what it takes to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer?
The Cheesy Poofs talent van is in the observatory parking lot. It is a shaped like a rocket on wheels. A sound system with towering speakers is set up next to it.
Cartman
Hey, there it is!
Announcer
We're going around the country to find the kid who can sing the Cheesy Poofs song better than anybody.
Cartman
I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song with both hands tied behind my back!
Kyle
You couldn't get both arms behind your back, fatass!
Mr. Garrison
Come on, Eric. We're going to the planetarium.
Cartman
But I'll have to sing the Cheesy Poofs song for that talent va-a-an!
Mr. Garrison
No, you have to go in this building and see a bunch of stupid stars! Now, come on!
The rest of the class moves away.
Cartman
[Whining.] But I wanna sing the Cheesy Poofs song on the commercial!
The class enters the observatory, and some of the students are awed by it all.
A Boy
Wow, don't you...?
A Girl
What is that?
Dr. Adams
Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams. Welcome to the plane'arium.
Kyle
I thought it was "plane-*tarium*."
Dr. Adams
Well, it is. But I have a bone disease which impedes my ability to pronounce the "t" in "plane'arium".
Mr. Garrison
That's a pretty weird bone disease.
Dr. Adams
Yes. Perhaps someday I can get a bone-marrow transplant.
Cartman has his hand up.
Dr. Adams
Yes, little boy?
Cartman
How long is that Cheesy Poofs van gonna be outside?
Dr. Adams
Well I don't know. But anyway, boys and girls, soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe. But first, I wanna show you how the plane'arium works.
Cartman
As if we care.
Kyle notices a young brunette with a clipboard walking in.
Kyle
Hey, who are you?
Dr. Adams
Ughuh, little Missy here runs the big projector for us.
Missy
I love my work.
Stan
Whoa, dude! You're only as old as us; shouldn't you be in school?
Missy
I love my work.
Her eyes are glazed over. Stan and Kyle notice this and look at each other.
Dr. Adams
Come on. Let's get into the plane'arium, shall we?
In the planetarium proper. The class sits in a small theater and Dr. Adams is in a small room behind the class. Another kid works some controls on a machine on the theater floor.
Dr. Adams
Good morning, children, and welcome to the plane'arium. We're going on a fascinating ride through the universe, so I want you to lean back in your chairs and get comfortable.
All the seats lean back on their own, so they have no choice.
Stan
This is stupid.
Dr. Adams
And now I'm going to dim the lights and let the stars... eh-come out.
The dome darkens and some faint stars appear.
Kyle
[Not amused.] Whoopie.
Dr. Adams
Here we see the constellation called, "The Big Dipper". If I project a drawing of a big dipper on top of it...[Very softly.] a-hah [The drawing appears, connecting the stars.] ...we see where this constellation gets its name. These stars over here form the constellation of Taurus, the Bull...
The drawing of a bull appears.
Dr. Adams
...while these stars form the constellation, "Roger Ebert".
An outline of Roger Ebert's face appears with a thumbs down.
Dr. Adams
And these two little stars over here form the constellation The Crusades.
From the two stars comes an elaborate drawing of crusaders storming the city of Jerusalem. Stan looks over at the kid on the floor and notices the same glazed-eye look Missy has.
Dr. Adams
Now, stars are actually made of hot gas, which is exactly what comes out of...
Cartman
Aw man, screw this.
Cartman gets up and leaves the room. Dr. Adams turns an "Intensity" dial to 9.
Dr. Adams
And now breathe deep as the stars sloowwly start to move in little circles.
The kids are getting mesmerized by them.
Dr. Adams
I know you think plane'ariums are boring, but I'm gonna try to change the way you think about that.
Meanwhile, outside, tryouts are underway. Cartman stands behind a boy currently singing for the talent van.
Boy

...you love Cheesy Poofs
If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame.

Announcer
That was great, Tommy. Tommy Fritz from Torrey Pines! He could be our winner.
Cartman
Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked ass!
Announcer
Oh, and what's your name, little boy?
Cartman
Eric Cartman.
Announcer
Alright, here's Eric Cartman giving it a shot.
The cameraman starts filming, Cartman shoves Tommy aside, who falls down.
Tommy
Aaah!
Cartman
[Clears his throat and affects a tenor]

I love Cheesy Poofs
you love Cheesy Poofs
If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs
we'd be lame.
I'm talkin' Night-Court-in-it's-fifth-season lame-aaaahh!

Announcer
[Slapping his palm to his head] Wow!
Cartman
Thaat's right, suck on that.
The planetarium doors open and the class exits.
Mr. Garrison
Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?
Kyle
Oh, man, I don't feel so good.
Stan
Me neither, but... I loved the planetarium.
Kyle
Me too. It was sweet.
Mr. Garrison
Really? What did you like best about it?
Stan
I don't know. I don't even remember what happened.
Mr. Garrison
[Tallying.] Wait a minute. Where is Eric?
Cartman
[Happily popping by.] I did it! I did it!
Kyle
Did what?
Cartman
I got a call-back for the Cheesy Poofs song!
Mr. Garrison
You snuck off and sang that stupid song?!
Cartman
Yeah, dude, but I got in the finals for tomorrow!
Dr. Adams
[Now at the door.] Goodbye, children. Thanks for visiting. Don't forget: we have Laser Rock shows at night here at the plane-'arium. This week it's Laser Kenny Loggins and Laser James Taylor.
The class is on the bus going back to school.
Kyle
My head still feels funny.
Stan
Yeah, mine too.
Cartman
Hey you guys, when I'm done with that- Cheesy Poofs commercial, I bet I get all the free Cheesy Poofs I want.
Kyle
Like you really need it, hippo-ass!
Cartman
[With some pity.] It's sad how jealous you are, Kyle. It really is.
A boy pops out from the seat behind Cartman in front of Stan and Kyle.
Boy
Waaaah!
Stan, Kyle
AAAAAH!
Kyle
Whoa, dude! Who the hell are you?!
Boy
[Haltingly.] My... name... is... vvan... G-gelder.
Stan
Van Gelder?? What the hell are you doing on our bus?! Mr. Garrison, there's some freaky kid from the planetarium on our bus!
Mr. Garrison
Oh, great! Well I guess we have to go back!
Van Gelder
[In a state of panic.] Nnno! Nn-don't go back! Nnno!
Cartman
Hey, be careful, asshole!
Van Gelder
Eegh! Don't take me back there!
He drops down, then comes back up.
Van Gelder
I can't... can't...
Stan
Alright, dude. Mellow out, jeez!
Van Gelder
Aaaagghh.
Van Gelder passes out and falls to the floor.
Mr. Garrison
[Quickly at his side.] We've better get him to the nurse's office, stat!
The nurse's office. Van Gelder has been strapped down. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are present.
Van Gelder
[Very agitated.] Aagh! The planetarium! Haah!
Nurse Gollum
I'll give him a pain killer. That should calm him down.
Van Gelder
Nno! Nnno pain killer! I'll be okay!
Mr. Mackey
Okay uh van Gelder-
Van Gelder
Nnnaaaah!
Mr. Mackey
-okay uh I'm Counselor Mackey. Have you been smokin' marijawana? Marijawana's bad, mkay?
Van Gelder
Eh must... tell... the machine. The machine is... e-e-e-ghe gheh-
Van Gelder collapses.
Mr. Mackey
Well, I've never seen anything like this. What do you think, principal?
Principal Victoria
Well, whatever happened to him happened at the planetarium.
Van Gelder
Haah! Planetarium!
Principal Victoria
I think tonight the planetarium is doing Laser Loggins. I might have to check it out.
Van Gelder
Nnaaah!
Later that night, at the planetarium, Laser Loggins is underway. "Footloose" plays and Laser displays of feet dance around the ceiling.
Principal Victoria
Oh, man, this is boring!
Man
Yeah, who the heck finds this stuff interesting?
The camera pans to two teen boys, who look like stoners, sitting in the next section by themselves.
Teen 1
Dude, this is totally killer.
Teen 2
I hope this goes on for like, seven months, man.
In the booth, Dr. Adams goes to his controls and turns the intensity dial to 8.5, "Footloose" fades, and the lasers close into a narrow beam.
Dr. Adams
You will not remember what happened here. To remember it will cause incredible pain.
He turns the dial to 9.
Dr. Adams
Incredible pain!
He turns the dial even further.
Dr. Adams
Incredible icky paaiin!
Teen 1
Dude, I'm totally tripping.
Teen 2
This is totally killer.
South Park Elementary, the next day. The school bell rings.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, today we're going to learn all about Japanese poems called haiku. A haiku is just like a normal American poem, except that it doesn't rhyme, and it's totally stupid. For example- Uh, where is Eric Cartman?
Stan
That's a haiku?
Mr. Garrison
No, I'm asking why Eric Cartman isn't at school.
Stan
Oh.
Mr. Garrison
Was he on the school bus this morning?
Stan
No.
Kyle
[counting off the syllables]

Fatass Cartman was
not on the school bus today.
What a big, fat turd.

Mr. Garrison
Hoh, very good haiku, Kyle. Yes- haikus have five syllables, then seven, then five. Kenny, can you give us another example?
Kenny

(When you rub your dick,
you might find a discharge that
winds up on the floor.)

The class roars with laughter.
Stan
Yeah. What's a discharge?
Kyle
Mr. Garrison, since haiku sucks so much ass, could we go to the planetarium again?
Stan
Yeah, I wanna go to the planetarium again, too.
Mr. Garrison
But you were just there! Why do you wanna go again so soon?
Stan
[Stumped, then to Kyle.] Yeah, why do we wanna go again so soon?
Kyle
I dunno. I just have this sudden urge to go back.
Mr. Garrison
Well, I guess we could go again, since it's just down the street.
Cartman enters the classroom, a rolled up paper in his hand, full of himself.
Cartman
Well, hello, it's all my little friends with all their little dreams.
Mr. Garrison
Eric, where have you been?
Cartman
Let's see, where have I been, where have I been?
Stan
Where have you been, Cartman?
Cartman
Wweell, I might have been over at the Cheesy Poofs call-back, winning regional championship!
He unfurls the paper.
The Class
Whoa!
The paper reads, "Cheesy Poof Anthem Regional Champion"
Cartman
This is my regional championship certificate! Do you like it? [Now taunting.] Hey, where is your regional championship 'tificate, Clyde? Oh, you don't have one?
Clyde looks crestfallen.
Cartman
Hmmm. Do you have a regional certificate, Wendy? Nno?
Wendy scrunches her face.
Cartman
Apparently, only I do.
Kyle

Ass full of pork fat
jiggles like a Jello mold.
Mouth is flapping, too.

Cartman
Your haiku insults have no effect on me, Kyle. I'm regional champion.
Stan
Does that mean you're gonna be on that Cheesy Poofs commercial?
Cartman
It's between me and four other kids. I'm on my way now with my mom to the finals.
Kyle

I bet you don't win.
They don't let big fat asses
perform on TV.

Mr. Garrison
Very good, Kyle.
Cartman

Shut your God-damned mouth
or else I'm... gonna... kick you
square in the balls... ass-hole
Aw, damn it!

Over in Nurse Gollum's office, Van Gelder is still strapped down. Mr. Mackey stops by.
Mr. Mackey
Um. How's he doing, nurse?
Nurse Gollum
He's stable, but I still can't get any information out of him. I'm gonna sedate him now.
Van Gelder
Nno! No drugs.
Mr. Mackey
Drugs are good, mkay?
Van Gelder
Nno! Don't let them g-go... planetarium!
Nurse Gollum
But why, van Gelder?
Van Gelder
The machine. The machine is aaaah.
He stiffens, then collapses.
Mr. Mackey
The machine is aaaah? Uh that's probably bad.
Nurse Gollum
He's been talking about "the machine" for hours. That and Daisy Fuentes.
Van Gelder
Wha- why in America's Funniest Home Videos? Why?
Mr. Mackey
Uh, there's only one way to get any sense out of him. We're gonna have to try a mind meld, mkay?
Nurse Gollum
A what?
Mr. Mackey
Well, it's an ancient technique handed down from school counselor to school counselor. I don't like to use it, but it may be our only hope.
Nurse Gollum
Well, what will you need?
Mr. Mackey
Just time to prepare, nurse. Just time. [Oh, the tension!] Mkay?
Tantalus V. Obsevatory. The class is back.
Dr. Adams
Well, children, I'm so glad you came back to learn more.
Mr. Garrison
They just begged to come back; I couldn't get them to shut up about it.
Dr. Adams
Well, I'm sure we're going to have a marvelous time. Won't we, children?
The Class
Yes.
The two stoner teens appear, now dressed as employees and with their eyes glazed over.
Teen 1
This way, please.
Teen 2
Enjoy your visit.
Stan and Kyle look at each other. Moments later, the class is in the theater, looking at the laser show.
Dr. Adams
Billions of stars and billions of galaxies make up our universe. Here you see Polaris, the dog star.
Mr. Garrison gets up and walks by Dr. Adams in the control booth.
Mr. Garrison
I'm just gonna step outside and go weewee.
Dr. Adams
Certainly, Mr. Garrison.
Dr. Adams watches him leave, then quickly turns intensity dial up to 9. The stars brighten and dance rapidly.
Dr. Adams
You love the planetarium! To be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain! All you want to do is help the planetarium thrive! To not do so makes your stomach ache with needlelike stab-
He quickly turns down the intensity upon seeing Mr. Garrison enter the theater. He gestures at his next item.
Dr. Adams
...and right over here we see the constellation Orion.
Mr. Garrison gives him a thumbs up and Dr. Adams waves at him weakly.
Dr. Adams
Orion's belt is made up of three stars, one of which is actually a pulsar...
Stan
Dude, what just happened?
Kyle
What do you mean?
Stan
Come on, we've gotta get out of here before something bad happens.
Cheesy Poofs Call Backs Today! Cartman and his mom wait with the other finalists and their parents on sofas in the front office. Cartman is picking at his nose.
Liane
Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman
I wasn't picking it-I had an itch, for cryin' out loud!
Liane
Don't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.
Cartman
I don't know. There's a lot of competition here.
Poor Girl
Do you think I might win, Mommy?
Poor Mom
I hope so, honey. Then perhaps we can eat for a little while.
Cartman thinks for a second then gets up on the sofa and points out the window.
Cartman
Hey, look! They're giving away bread outside!
Poor Girl
[Gasps.] Did you hear that, Mommy?
Poor Mom
Come on! Perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs!
They rush outside. Cartman follows them to the door and closes it behind them.
Cartman
Sike!
Back at the planetarium, Stan and Kyle are standing outside, the doors open and the rest of the class straggles out.
Mr. Garrison
[Noticing them.] What the hell are you boys doing? You're supposed to be in there.
Stan
Mr. Garrison, we think that the planetarium guy is-
Kyle
Sshh!
Dr. Adams appears at the door.
Dr. Adams
Goodbye, children. Thanks for coming.
Clyde
[Insistently.] I wanna go again. I wanna go again!
Mr. Garrison
Oh, for Pete's sake, Clyde. You just went!
Dr. Adams
Well, Clyde, if you like the plane'arium so much, perhaps you'd like to do some volunteer work here.
Clyde
Yes. Yes, please!
Butters Stotch
Me too!
Annie Knitts
Me too! I wanna do it! I'd love to work here.
A Girl
I'd like to tape the show!
Wendy
Yeah, me too! Me too!
Fosse
Yeah, me tohohoo. Plahanehetaharium's gahahay!
The rest of the class chimes in.
Dr. Adams
Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison
Well, I guess I could give them extra credit for it.
Dr. Adams
Excellent! Why don't we step over here and I'll show all you children how to volunteer.
The Class
Hooray!
All the kids but Stan, Kyle, and Kenny follow Dr. Adams.
Stan
Dude, this isn't right.
Kyle
Why?
Stan
We're kids, dude. We don't volunteer for anything.
Kyle
Oh, yeah.
Stan
Come on, we've gotta see what's going on in there.
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny go back inside and enter the control booth.
Kyle
Here's the control panel that operates all the stars.
Stan
Kenny, you go out there and tell us what you see.
Kenny leaves the booth and goes and sits in a seat.
Kenny
(Okay. Got to have some huggin'.)
Stan
He hits this switch-
Stan moves the intensity dial to 1 and the power comes on. The lights go down.
Kenny
(I don't see anything.)
Kyle
You see? Nothing, dude. Just a bunch of stars.
Stan
Yeah, I guess so.
Stan moves the intensity to 4. The stars start to revolve.
Kenny
(Whoa, dude.)
Kyle
What does that do?
Stan
I don't know.
Stan moves intensity to 7.5, Kenny shakes audibly.
Kyle
Kenny! What's it doing?
Kenny can't answer. He just shakes more and more violently.
Stan
This says "maximum."
Stan moves Intensity to 10. Kenny shakes more violently, and finally explodes. Stan and Kyle look.
Stan
Oh my God, we've killed Kenny!
Kyle
We're bastards!
Stan turns off the power and races with Kyle to Kenny's remains.
Stan
Dude, I told you something was up with this place!
Rats start to work on the corpse.
Kyle
We've gotta go tell somebody, quick!
Back at the casting office, the finalists are showing their best.
Boy

(clap clap clap)
-G-O
(clap clap ---)
-G-O
and Bingo was his name-o
Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o
(clap clap clap-clap)
O
(clap clap clap-clap clap)
O
(clap clap clap-clap clap)
O
and Bingo was his name-o
Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o
(clap)
ING
(clap)
ING
(clap)
and Bingo was his name-o

He finishes with a flourish and a bow.
Center Judge
[Applauds.] Thank you... uh, Peter. We'll let you know very soon.
Peter leaves the room.
Center Judge
Next will be uuh, Eric Theodore Cartman.
Liane enters with Cartman and a boom box.
Liane
Hello, everybody. [To Cartman.] Now, just do it like we rehearsed, hon.
Cartman
I know, I know!
Liane goes to a sofa and plays a tape while Cartman goes before the judges and clears his throat.
Cartman


She works hard for the money
So hard for it, honey
She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right.

He rips off his jacket and reveals a sky blue sequined vest and bowtie - and his belly button. The judges are surprised.
Cartman


She works hard for the money
So hard for it, honey
She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right.

He moonwalks, then faces the judges again. End of performance.
Center Judge
[Long pause.] Well, Eric Cartman, that certainly was... insane.
Cartman
Thank you.
Center Judge
We'll let you know.
Liane
Thank you.
She and Cartman reach the door. Cartman is covering his nose.
Liane
Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman
I'm not pickin' it ma! God damn it, I have an itch!
They leave and close the door behind them.
Center Judge
Jesus, where do we find these people?!
South Park Elementary. In the nurse's office, Mr. Mackey is mind-melding with Van Gelder.
Mr. Mackey
Our minds are one. Mkay? Our thoughts are one. Mkay?
Nurse Gollum
This is the strangest thing I've ever seen!
Mr. Mackey
Please, nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on your head, you're not being very open-minded.
He goes back to concentrating.
Mr. Mackey
Open your mind to your counselor. Open your mind.
Van Gelder
[Responding to the mind-meld.] Dr. Adams.
Mr. Mackey
Yes.
Nurse Gollum
He owns the planetarium. What about him?
Van Gelder & Mr. Mackey simultaneously
He uses the machine. The star machine.
Mr. Mackey
Mkay?
Van Gelder & Mr. Mackey simultaneously
He uses it to erase minds.
Nurse Gollum
But why?
Van Gelder & Mr. Mackey simultaneously
Planetarium, about to go out of business. Adams had to create slaves to survive.
Nurse Gollum
My God! This is amazing!
Mr. Mackey
Abuh. Please, nurse, you're throwin' off my chi! Mkay?
Casting Office. The results are in.
Center Judge
Well, we'd certainly like to thank all our finalists. Only one of our finalists can win the grand prize and... unfortunately, that finalist is Eric Cartman.
Cartman
[Triumphantly.] Yes! I'm the best!
Center Judge
You were actually our last choice. Uh the other children have unexpectedly taken jobs as volunteers at the planetarium.
Blonde Judge
That's odd.
Cartman
[Joyfully.] Sweeet!
News 4 Special Report.
Tom
It appears that more and more South Park residents are discovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium. Here with a special report is a 34-year old Asian man who looks strikingly similar to Ricardo Montalban.
Asian Reporter
Thanks, Tom. Yes, indeed, the planetarium has become very popular as word spreads that it really isn't as lame and stupid as one suspected. I'm here with the planetarium operator, Dr. Adams.
Dr. Adams
Thank you. I'd like to open an invitation to all South Park residents to come see a special free show this evening. I guarantee, it will change the way you think about the plane'ah-arium.
Asian Reporter
So, bring the whole family to the plane-*tarium* for a night of excitement and wonder.
South Park Police Department. Stan and Kyle are inside talking to Officer Barbrady.
Stan
...and then we turned the dial, and Kenny went into a kind of hypnosis.
Officer Barbrady
That's a pretty far-fetched story, boys.
Kyle
But it's true, dude!
Officer Barbrady
Are you boys sure you're not just making this all up?
Stan
Yeah, pretty sure.
!Officer Barbrady
Well, just as soon as I handle all the other crime in South Park, I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium so I can prove that nothing's wrong.
Stan
What other crime in South Park?
Officer Barbrady
Oh, yeah. Let's go.
Time for Cartman's big debut.
Director
Okay. Let's shoot the commercial. Where's our Cheesy Poof talent?
Cartman
I'm over here.
Cartman is dressed as a Cheesy Poof.
Liane
Oohh, you look great, hon. Mommy's fat little piggy.
Cartman
Aay!
A stagehand escorts Cartman to the Cheesy Poof backdrop before the camera.
Cartman
Let's hurry. This costume is hot.
Director
Okay, roll camera, aaand action.
Cartman

I love Cheesy Poofs, you-

Liane
Oh wait, wait.
She runs in with a handkerchief.
Liane
You've got a little eye booger, hon.
Cartman
Oh, Mom, for Pete's sake!
She wipes it off.
Liane
Got it.
She moves off the stage.
Director
Aaand action.
Cartman

I love Cheesy Poofs-

Director
Hold it! Cut! Could we get some more light on that backdrop?
Stagehand
Sure thing.
He adjusts the lighting.
Cartman
Oh, man, c'mon!
Stagehand
Got it.
Director
Okay. Here we go, aaand action.
Cartman

I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Chee-

Director
Cut!
Cartman
What?!
Director
I'm not liking the shoes. Could we change the shoes?
Cartman
Oh, God damnit!
Officer Barbrady, Stan, and Kyle show up at the planetarium. Officer Barbrady knocks and the door opens.
Dr. Adams
Oh. Hello, officer of the law.
Officer Barbrady
Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator.
Dr. Adams
What brings you out here?
Officer Barbrady
Well, these boys seem to think you're some kind of sick weirdo that's got a master plan to screw with the minds of everyone in town.
Officer Barbrady starts laughing.
Dr. Adams
Oh, really?
Dr. Adams leans forward menacingly. The boys huddle close to Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady
Yeah. I just thought I'd come show them around so they'd know there's nothing to be scared of.
Officer Barbrady advances, but Dr. Adams blocks the door.
Dr. Adams
Actually, this is a pretty inopportune time.
Officer Barbrady
Okay, I'll be quick, then.
Dr. Adams
Of course, officer. Come on in.
Officer Barbrady and the boys enter. What they see inside is something else. Kids, Bebe among them, are sweeping and cleaning the exhibits. Chef is helping out, too. All of them are wearing gray planetarium suits.
Chef
[In a low monotone.] Hello, children.
Stan
Oh, no! They got Chef, too!
Chef
Welcome to the planetarium.
Officer Barbrady
Well, it's nice to see you finally got a real job, Chef.
Chef
[Slowly, mechanically.] I love my work.
Officer Barbrady
Oh I know what you mean. I've always loved the planetarium, too.
Dr. Adams
Would you like to see the stars, officer?
Stan, Kyle
No!
Officer Barbrady
That would be super-duper!
He walks into the theater with Dr. Adams.
Kyle
Don't do it, Officer Barbrady!
Cartman's house. He's calling everyone he knows...
Elderly Woman
[On the phone.] Hello?
Cartman
Hi, Grandma. It's me, Eric.
Grandma
Oh, hello, Eric. Grandma sure has missed you.
Cartman
I just wanted to remind you that I'm gonna be on television tonight, so be sure to watch.
Grandma
Oh, I will, Eric. You know, I remember when I was a little girl and had my first talent show audition for-
Cartman
Okay, bye.
He dials the next number.
The Marshes' Answering Machine
Hello? The-uh Marshes aren't in right now. Please leave a message.
Cartman
Stan? I'm gonna be on TV tonight. Be sure to watch.
He dials another number.
The Broflovskis' Answering Machine
Hello, you've reached the Broflovskis. Please, leave a message.
Cartman
Where the hell is everybody?! I'm gonna be on TV tonight. You guys better not miss it!
Back at the planetarium...
Dr. Adams
And this is the constellation called Cassiopeia.
Officer Barbrady
Oh, neato!
Dr. Adams
[Turning intensity up to 8.5] And now, officer, from this moment on, you will think that you are Elvis Presley.
Officer Barbrady
Who?
Dr. Adams
To not be Elvis will cause you great pain.
Officer Barbrady
Pain.
Dr. Adams
You see, children? There's no stopping me. Even your highly intelligent policemen are no match for me.
Kyle
He's not highly intelligent.
Stan
Why are you doing this, dude?
Dr. Adams
Why? Because nowadays kids have computers, surround-sound television. They've forgotten all about plane'ariums. But I'll make them remember, starting with the two of you!
Cartman's house. He's watching the TV for his commercial.
Voice-over
Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these announcements.
Cartman
Oh, dude, here it comes!
Cheesy Poofs Commercial
Packed full of ingredients, Cheesy Poofs can really give you that quick pick-me-up. So remember, [A dancing Cheesy Poofs box appears.]

I love Cheesy Poofs,
you love Cheesy Poofs
[The box opens and Cheesy Poof pour out.]
If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs,
we'd be-
[The Cheesy Poofs rain down on a pile of Cheesy Poof in which children swim.]

Cheesy Poof Cartman
Lame.
Voice-over
And now back to Terrance and Phillip.
Cartman
Yes! Yes, that was me! I was on television!
Mr. Mackey and Nurse Gollum burst through the planetarium doors. Mr. Mackey is pissed. Facing them are Dr. Adams, Officer Barbrady, Stan, Kyle, and the two stoner teens.
Mr. Mackey
Aha! Caught you red-handed! Mkay!
Stan
Mr. Mackey!
Mr. Mackey
Officer Barbrady, uh, this man is using some kind of mind control.
Officer Barbrad
[Doing a twisted Elvis Presley.] Wuzzariah? Ulduhooyah? Guh. Ahoohooyuh?
Nurse Gollum
What's wrong with him?
Officer Barbrady

Ah-yeah, babe, yeah, babe
uhyeah hwah yeah hwah wayah ahowowowowayah.

Mr. Mackey
Oh no, apparently, he thinks he's Charlton Heston.
Dr. Adams
No, you idiot! He thinks he's Elvis. [To Barbrady.] Elvis, escort our guests to the plane'arium.
Officer Barbrady
[Snapping into a sharp Elvis.] Holdjit
He pulls out his gun and shoves it into Mackey's nose.
Officer Barbrady
If you wouldn't mind, uugh. Could you please follow me?
Mr. Mackey
Uh oh.
Officer Barbrady
[Voice skipping up the scales.] Odle-oh who whoo?
The planetarium, that night. Nurse Gollum, Mr. Mackey, Stan, and Kyle are strapped into their seats in the theater.
Dr Adams
Well, let's begin, shall we?
He starts up the laser show controls.
Dr. Adams
And now you'll remember nothing, except that the planet'arium is the best thing you've ever known!
Cartman enters, oblivious to the star machine.
Cartman
Well, well well! You guys can now kiss my ass, because I was on television!
The other four are entranced now.
Cartman
Ey! Didn't you guys see it?! I was on television!
He sees that the others aren't responding.
Cartman
You missed it! You missed it because of this stupid planetarium!
He walks up to the star machine and kicks it. It falls down and breaks into pieces.
Cartman
Planetariums suck ass!
The star machine's beams come at Dr. Adams at full force and go right into his eyes.
Dr. Adams
Aaah. Aaah. Aaah.
Kyle
[Coming out of the trance.] Cartman! You saved us!
The others come out of it too.
Cartman
What the hell are you talking about?
Stan
Get over here and untie us!
Cartman rushes over and starts untying them, Mr. Mackey first.
Mr. Mackey
Eric, you really saved the day. Mkay?
Officer Barbrady
[Rushing in.] Not so fast there, tubby. Uh I'm just takin' care of business.
Cartman stops.
Mr. Mackey
Think hard, Elvis. You're not really the king of rock and roll. You're a fat, stupid, worthless policeman in a small town. Mkay?
Officer Barbrady
[Snapping out of it.] Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, counselor.
Stan notices the destruction of the star machine, and the fate of Dr. Adams.
Stan
Oh my God! Dr. Adams!
Everyone rushes to the control room window to see what's happened. Dr. Adams is seated inside against a wall, slumped on his right side.
Kyle
He got a full dose of the stars.
Stan
Yeah. With nobody around to say anything.
Kyle
Can you imagine it, Stan. A mind, emptied by that... thing.
Cartman
Wow. What a day this has been. I was on TV, and, I'm a hero.
Cartman scratches his nose.
Liane
[Looking in.] Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman
God damnit, Mom, I wasn't pickin' it! I have an itch!
End of Roger Ebert Should Lay Off The Fatty Foods. The Cheesy Poofs anthem plays.
End of Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods


  211: "Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods" edit
Story Elements

Tantalus V. ObservatoryVan GelderPeterDr. Tristan AdamsTommy FritzCheesy Poofs Talent Ship • "Footloose" • "Bingo" • "Cheesy Poofs Theme Song" • "She Works Hard for the Money"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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