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Red Man's Greed/Script

< Red Man's Greed

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Cast

  • Stan
  • Kyle
  • Cartman
  • Kenny
  • Butters
  • Alex Glick
  • Tweek
  • Randy and Sharon Marsh
  • Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
  • Chris Stotch
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Principal Victoria
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Slave
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Jimbo
  • Chef
  • Chief Runs with Premise, wife, and Premise Running Thin
  • Blackjack and Roulette dealers
  • Native American Shaman
  • Announcers and Field Reporter
  • Johnny Manymoons
  • Native American Elders
  • Native American Audience
  • Wise Man in Trailer Park

Script

Red Man's Greed
Three Feathers Casino, night. People flock in. The building is massive, the front entrance is prefaced with a long pool with water jets shooting water into the air. The interior is shown, with its slot machines and milling crowds. The boys enter with the Marshes and the Broflovskis. Randy and Gerald carry cigars in their hands.
Stan
Wow, dude.
Cartman
Man, Indians have it good, huh?
Randy
Now, Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.
Native American Chief
Welcome to the Three Feathers Casino. I'm your host, Chief Runs With Premise. Please try your luck at one of our many games.
Cartman
[eagerly] All right, let's go! [moves forward]
Runs With Premise
Halt. [spreads his arms out] I am afraid minors cannot go onto the casino floor.
Cartman
I'm not a miner, dumbass! Do you see a shovel in my hand?!
Runs With Premise
You kids can enjoy our Native American Comedy Club.
Gerald
All right, we're gonna hit the tables. Why don't you kids run along to the comedy club? [Stan shrugs and the boys leave. The adults move forward]
Randy
All right, time to win some money!
Gerald
Oh yeah! blackjack table!
Blackjack Dealer
Welcome to the blackjack table. May luck run through you, like the spirit of the buffalo.
Sheila
Gerald, this is ten dollars a hand!
Gerald
Relax, sweetie [in hushed tones] I know how to count cards.
Sheila
Well I don't wanna play here!
Sharon
Yeah. Come on, Sheila, let's go to the nickel slots.
Randy
Oooo, the nickel slots! You might win the thirty-dollar jackpot! Ahh, women, huh? God I hate 'em. [smokes]
Gerald
All right, time to show these people how to gamble!
An entrance is shown - The Laughing Coyote Comedy Lodge, then the interior of the lodge itself. A Native American drummer sits on stage.
Announcer
Welcome to the Three Feathers Comedy Club. Please put your hands together for Johnny Manymoons! [Johnny approaches the mic]
Kyle
What is Native American comedy, anyway?
Manymoons
[takes the mic] Thank you, thank you. Bear walked into a bar. Bear said to Deer, "May I please... have a drink?" And so Deer said to Bear, "Why the big paws?" [the drums strikes three beats]
Audience
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! [the boys are confused]
Manymoons
Many moons ago, Pony and Eagle walked up to Coyote. Pony said to Coyote, "I am very mad at Eagle. Will you yell at him for me?" Coyote said to Pony, "Why can you not yell yourself?" And Pony replied, "Because I am a little horse." [the drums strikes three beats]
Audience
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
The blackjack table. Gerald sits alone fiddling with some chips. Randy returns from somewhere with a cup of coins.
Randy
How's it goin', Gerald?
Gerald
[nervous, fidgeting] Ohh, not so good.
Randy
Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm down three hundred bucks.
Gerald
Yeah. I'm down twenty-six thousand.
Randy
Yeah, well, maybe we should- ...wait. Twenty-six thousand dollars??
Gerald
I forgot to tell you, ah I have a gambling problem.
Randy
Gerald, twenty-six thousand-!
Gerald
Sshhhh! I have to win it back before Sheila finds out!
Randy
Where did you get that kind of money??
Gerald
The casino gave me credit! I put the house up as collateral! But I still have this ten-dollar chip.
Blackjack Dealer
Dealer, twenty one. [takes the last chip] Sorry.
Gerald
[collapses on the table] That's it. I'm destitute. [leaps up and grabs Randy] Loan me money! You've gotta have money in the cup! [grabs the cup and tries to wrest it from Randy] Wha- what's in the cup?
Randy
[keeps the cup] Just six quarters!
Gerald
[sits down and mopes] Oh God. Oh Jesus.
Blackjack Dealer
Thank you for playing at Three Feathers. May your life be filled with the song of the sparrow.
Gerald
[bolts upright again] Oh, shove the song of the sparrow up your ass!
Three Bears Casino, sometime later. Randy and Gerald sit on a bench next to some slot machines. Gerald's head hangs low.
Gerald
How am I going to tell my family? [raises his head] How do I tell them that tomorrow, we have to ...pack up our things and ...get out of the house? [Sheila and Sharon show up in the background with the boys.]
Sheila
There's daddy!
Gerald
[hangs his head] Oh, Jesus. [the boys and the women arrive.]
Sheila
Where have you guys been? We've been looking all over.
Kyle
Yeah. Come on, Dad, this place sucks. I wanna go.
Gerald
[raises his head] What, What did you say?
Kyle
I said I wanna leave.
Gerald
[shifts gears and stands] Oh, you wanna leave, huh?! Okay, fine, Kyle, when we get home, we'll just pack up our things, load them in the car, and we'll leave! [Sheila and Kyle are baffled]
Kyle
What?? No, no, I mean, I-
Gerald
No, no, no, if you wanna leave South Park, fine! Tomorrow we're leaving!
Sheila
Gerald, what are you talking about?
Gerald
Oh, you heard him, Sheila! Kyle wants to leave! Our nice old house doesn't interest Kyle anymore! Well I'm calling a moving company right now! [leaves]
Cartman
Well, you shouldn't be such a dick, dude. [Kyle remains baffled, even as he looks at Cartman]
Sharon
[walks up to Randy] What's wrong with Gerald?
Randy
He... he lost his house to the Native Americans.
Sharon
What?? But don't the Native Americans know he has nowhere else to go?
Randy
They don't care. [the camera rises and focuses on a window behind them]
The casino office. Chief Runs with Premise looks out over the floor.
Runs with Premise
Look at them! Small-minded idiots pouring their life-savings away!
Elder 1
Their cash flows out of them like diarrhea from the buffalo.
Elder 2
[wearing glasses] Yes, but we have milked these simple mountain folk almost dry. If we really want to see cash flow, we need to bring in city-people from Denver.
Runs with Premise
[turns around] Yeessss. It is time for us to implement our plan. [walks over to an easel on which sits a map of Colorado, with a new highway drawn on it between the casino and Denver] A superhighway, built from Denver right to our casino!
Aide 1
And what do we do about the small town of South Park that lies in the highway's way?
Runs with Premise
[holding up large stacks of bills] Simple. We buy it, and we demolish it! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Elders
Ha ha ha ha!
South Park Elementary, next day. A town meeting is being held in the gym. Mayor McDaniels sits at a table with four aides, two on either side of her.
Mayor McDaniels
And that's really all I can tell you. The town of South Park is going to be leveled, in order to make way for a twelve-lane superhighway.
Randy
[rises] But how can they do that?!
Mayor McDaniels
The Native Americans have purchased the land out from under us. Tomorrow, they're buying the last of what they need to have complete ownership.
Jimbo
[rises] Well can't we stop them? Let's call the bank.
Mayor McDaniels
The Native Americans bought the bank.
Mr. Garrison
Oh my God.
Mayor McDaniels
Now, look, it isn't all horrible. The Native Americans are offering you retail values on your homes.
Randy
No, screw that! We'll just pool our money together and buy the town ourselves! [the town clamors in agreement]
Chef
[rises] Yeah! Let the South Park people own South Park! [the town clamors in agreement]
Randy
How much do we have to raise, Mayor?
Mayor McDaniels
Three hundred thousand dollars. [the town thinks, then grumbles]
Randy
Ohhh, never mind. [sits down]
The town library. Nine boys sit in front of it: Timmy, Jimmy, Tweek, Butters, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Alex.
Butters
How can they do that, huh? How can they make us all move away?
Cartman
Because they're rich, greedy-ass Indians!
Kyle
[correcting] Native Americans. [Stan rises and walks away from the building]
Stan
Our whole town, gone. We'd had such great times here. [begins to reminisce]
The scenes are as follows:
  • Zombies destroy the town as the boys walk through in their Halloween costumes.
  • Trapper Keeper grabs a phone booth as it reaches mammoth dimensions.
  • The townsfolk fight the mutant turkeys.
  • Christopher Reeve throws a truck at some people, and they dive out of the way.
  • The giant fireworks snake demolishes the town.
  • The Geldon causes havoc on the Drew Carey Show as the Knights of Standards and Practices watch.
  • The pirate ghost ship fires off a cannon shot and the townsfolk dive out of the way. Some of them are killed on impact.
  • The pro-war and anti-war factions fight over the Iraq war.
  • The town reenacts the Civil War
  • Mr. Hankey summons up massive amounts of crap in order to get rid of the Hollywood gliterati
  • Mecha-Streisand fights off Ultura Marutin and Megara Poatia.
Stan
[stops reminiscing, turns around, and walks back to the boys] We can't let them do it, you guys! We have to find a way to stop those Native Americans!
The boys
Yeah!
Alex
Yeah, this is our town!
Stan
We shouldn't have to make a bunch of new friends somewhere else. We're a team!
Kyle, Butters, Tweek
Yeah!
Cartman
That's right!
Butters
Yeah, ahh, that's right!
Alex
Yeah, we're a team!
Stan
We just gotta figure out a way to raise three hundred thousand dollars! [the boys start thinking]
Cartman
[rises and moves to the sidewalk] Wait a minute! I've got it, you guys! We can get Kyle infected with AIDS! And then start a charity organization that we steal money from! Come on, let's go! [trots off excitedly. The other boys just watch him leave. Cartman returns a few seconds later] No? We can't give Kyle AIDS?
Stan
We need something that'll get us money tomorrow!
Butters
Hey, I know! How about a dog parade? [smiles]
Kyle
Dog parade?
Butters
Yeah! We dress up all our dogs in little outfits, and parade them down the street. [closes his eyes and beams] It'll be so adorable!
Kyle
How do we make three hundred thousand dollars doing that?
Butters
Oh... Uh well, we could sell tickets to our moms and dads.
Stan
Our moms and dads are the ones who need money, Butters!
Butters
Oh... [the boys go back to thinking]
Cartman
Maybe give Kyle AIDS, huh? Lookin' a little better now.
South Park, later on, day. The Broflovski house is shown, and a massive bulldozer rolls up to knock it down. A large chunk of it is torn off by the scoop.
Sheila
Oh, Gerald, I, I can't watch!
Randy
[walks up to the Chief] How can you do this to people?
Runs with Premise
We're sorry. But if we do not build a superhighway, our casino might stop seeing profits.
Randy
There's more to life than profits!
Runs with Premise
Well like what?
Randy
Well like, you know, Slurpees and stuff. [more of the house is torn down]
Chris
Well, come on, honey, I guess we should start packing up our things as well.
Mr. Garrison
Yeah. [begins to wave] So long, South Park.
Stan
Mom! Dad! We figured out a way we could raise three hundred thousand dollars!
Chris
A dog parade? [smiles in anticipation]
Stan
No!
Randy
Stan, we've all tried to raise money, but we only raise ten thousand dollars, and the deadline is tomorrow.
Stan
I know. So how about we take the ten thousand dollars back to the Indian casino? Tell them, Kyle!
Kyle
[opens a book he's carrying and reads] The odds on a single number in roulette are thirty-five to one. [looks up and closes the book] That means, with a ten thousand dollar bet, you win three hundred and fifty thousand.
Sheila
Boys, that's ridiculous.
Stan
Look, we- we've got nothing to lose.
Chef
What do you guys think?
Jimbo
It's a long shot.
Randy
Yeah. [turns around and makes fists with determination] But it's the only shot we've got to save our town.
Three Feathers Casino, that night. The townsfolk are there once more.
Runs With Premise
[reading from a newspaper] The residents of South Park had hoped to raise three hundred thousand dollars. but in the end managed to raise only ten. The loss of their town may be imminent for the poor people of South Park. [fakes sadness] Awww, I think I'm going to cwy.
Two Elders
HA ha ha ha! HA ha ha ha!
The doors open and the townsfolk surge in. Randy carries a large amount of yellow chips.
Randy
All right, boys. You're gonna have to wait here. [the adults begin to move past the boys]
Stan
Dad. [Randy turns around] Good luck.
Randy
It's in God's hand now. [turns around and moves forward] Stand aside, everyone! [the adults move towards the roulette table. The Chief notices a change in atmosphere and rises to see what's going on from his office.]
Runs With Premise
What are they doing?
Randy
We're gonna try and beat you at your own game, Chief Runs With Premise! Ten thousand dollars! [sets the yellow chips down] On thirty one black! [moves the chips towards the number. Everyone gasps. The dealer takes the chips and puts them away, substituting some blue chips for the yellow ones.]
Runs With Premise
Impossible!
Stan
[begins to wish hard] Come on! Come on! [the dealer starts the wheel and tosses the ball in the opposite direction. Everyone looks on in anticipation. The ball slows down and settles in on thirty one black.]
Runs With Premise
Thirty one. Black. [the town erupts with joy]
Townsfolk
Yeah! All right! Woohoo! Oh we did it! We did it! Oh my God! Oh this is amazing!
Runs With Premise
No... NOOO! [The boys cheer. Cartman and Kenny hug]
Alex
South Park is saved. [the dealer adds more blue chips to the amount bet]
Mr. Mackey
We have plenty enough to save our town now!
Gerald
Yeah! But wait. [the rush of winning gets to him] Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That means if we won again, it will be twelve and a quarter million! [the people gasp a bit at the possibility]
Mr. Garrison
We can save the town and be super-rich!
Randy
Oh hell yeah! Let it ride!
Gerald
Let it ride!!
Townsfolk
Woohoo! Yeah! [they stay with thirty one black, and the dealer spins again]
Kyle
What the hell are they doing??
Jimbo
Let's go thirty one! Let's see it! [the ball bounces around and settles in on two red.]
Roulette Dealer
Two, red. You lose.
Townsfolk
AWWWWWWW!!
Randy
Dammit!
Runs With Premise
[satisfied with this result] Hmmm! [walks off]
Stan
They, they had it! They freakin' had it!
The road. The Marshes drive home in their car. Randy drives, Sharon sits on the passenger side. Stan sits between Shelly and Grandpa in the back seat.
Stan
You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some.
Randy
Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling. You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak.
Stan
A winning streak??!! You played one game!!!!
Randy
Stan? Okay?
Stan
What???
Randy
All right? Stan? Okay?
Stan
You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans! [Randy brakes the car angrily]
Randy
[menacingly] Hey, mister!! We're not like them, all right?! [turns and faces Stan] Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes! So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians! [turns back to the wheel] I'm sorry, Native Americans.
South Park, next day. A "SOLD" sign is placed above the town sign, indicating that the town, indeed, has been sold. At South Park Elementary, the residents stand in long lines waiting for the checks being offered for their homes.
Elder 2
[facing Mr. Garrison] There you are, sir. There's the check for your home. Just sign here, and here.
Mr. Garrison
[signing] Well, this is it, Mr. Slave. We're officially homeless.
Mr. Slave
[sobbing] Jesus! Jesus Christ!
Stan
[walks up to Randy, who is in line with the others] Dad, what are you doing?! Don't take their dirty money!
Randy
Stanley, we don't have a choice. The Native Americans own South Park now. We have to take what they'll give us for our homes.
Elder 3
There you go. Have a nice day. [hands a check to Liane, who turns around and walks off with it]
Stan
[walks with his friends to a clearing where he could be heard] Come on, you guys! This is our town!
Mr. Mackey
It's over, Stanley. What else can we do?
Stan
We can stay. And fight.
Cartman
Yeah! When the Indians come to tear up our town, we kick 'em in the nuts!
Kenny
(Yeah!)
Alex
Yeah! They don't own our town! We do!
Chef
I'm sorry, boys. You just don't understand economics.
Randy
It'll be okay, boys, we'll just... move to the next town over.
Stan
Oh sure. Until the Native Americans decide they want that land, too! What if the Native Americans just keep building their casinos and their highways uh, until we have nowhere else to go?? We have to stand up to them now! [the adults look back helplessly] Rrrgh! Forget it! Come on, you guys! [the boys leave. Cartman stays behind.]
Cartman
You're all a bunch of God-damned pussies! [follows his friends them out. The adults just watch]
South Park, day. Moments later, a train of bulldozers roll down into town. Runs with Premise, riding on the lead bulldozer, looks happy until he sees the boys standing abreast on the street, blocking the way.
Runs with Premise
Get out of our way.
Stan
No! We won't let you destroy our town!
Runs with Premise
Boys. It isn't your town anymore.
Stan
Just because you have a piece of paper saying you own it doesn't make it yours. We grew up here. Our parents grew up here. We shop at that Wal-Mart, and eat at that Chili's. We take fish from the streams and bread them and freeze them to make fish sticks. This is not just a town, it is our way of life.
Elder 1
Well your way of life is about to change, little boys. Now move! [points the way to the side of the street]
Kyle
You can't just roll into places and take people's lives away!
A Driver
And what are four little boys going to do to stop us, huh? [the boys stand unsure, but a sound rises up behind them. Townsfolk appear in mass and walk down the street.]
Townsfolk

We are strong
No one can tell us we're wrong
[Stan looks behind him, smiles, then looks up to his left. People now appear on the roofs of the buildings as well as on the street.]
Searching our hearts for so lohh-oo-ohh-oo-ong
[Stan looks at the roofs on the other side of the street, smiling.]
All of us knowing...
[The boys grin]
Love Is A Battlefield

Stan
This land is not for sale.
Runs with Premise
Dammit! I thought you said they were dealt with!
Elder 1
They were!
Mr. Garrison
Sorry, Charlies! You can just keep your filthy bastard Indian money!
Principal Victoria
Filthy bastard Native American money!
Mr. Garrison
Uh oh, right, huh. Sorry about that.
Runs with Premise
This isn't over! [he and the others get into their bulldozers and pull out of town]
Jimbo
We'll never give up! You bastards!
Alex
Yeah! South Park is ours.
Mr. Mackey
But, what do we do now? I mean, we can't just stand here and block their way forever.
Randy
We can stand here as long as it takes. [no one moves. The scene stays for a few seconds, then...]
Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise looks over the casino floor from his office.
Runs with Premise
What is the state of our people?
Elder 2
Last night I spoke with the spirit of the bear, and Bear said that if we do not build our highway soon, our investors may soon sell off their shares of the new casino.
Elder 1
Yes, and Eagle says the cumulative shared market loss on the revenue of the new casino drops fifteen percent every day.
Runs with Premise
Then we must force the South Park people off their petty land.
Elder 1
But they are determined and proud. And the spirit of the wind has stated that if we use force, it could be a publicity nightmare, further hurting our net assets.
Runs with Premise
I already have a plan how we can force them off their land... sneakily. [begins to move off] We're going to give them... [stops in front of a wall] blankets. [three of them are shown]
Elder 1
Blankets?
Runs with Premise
Yes. We will present the blankets as a peace offering. But what the round-eyes will not know is that the blankets are infected with SARS. [his fellow tribespeople look at each other] They will all get SARS! And then SARS will run through their town like a buffalo. Now I need your help getting the SARS onto the blankets. [everyone puts on their little white face masks] Okay, bring them in!
Runs with Premise
[The office doors open and several naked Chinese men are brought in] Let's see how South Park deals with this! [he picks up one of the men and rubs him on a blanket. The Chinese man looks at him bewildered] Everyone grab a Chinese person and rub them on a blanket. [other elders pick up the other Chinese them and carry them over to other blankets hanging on the wall] Make sure you rub them all over. Get the SARS nice and deep in there. [the Chinese men grumble at their treatment]
South Park, next day. The deadline has arrived.
Field Reporter
Tom, I'm standing in chilly South Park, Colorado, where the residents are entering the third day of their sit-in to try and stop Native Americans from building a superhighway through their town. The temperature is low, but spirits are pretty low, too. [a Three Casinos Humvee rolls into town and four elders, including Runs with Premise, exit the vehicle]
Randy
[looking on suspiciously, huddled with his family] What do they want?
Mr. Garrison
We're not moving, ass-faces!
Runs with Premise
[walks up to Mr. Garrison with a blanket] Free blanket? [presents it to him] Though I know we have differences, we believe that a compromise can be reached. In the meantime, it hurts us to see you all on television sitting in the cold. Will you not take this offering as a gesture of good-will?
Mr. Garrison
You had me at "free blanket." [Runs with Premise nods and Garrison takes the blanket and opens it. Runs with Premise moves on to other townsfolk and the other elders join in, passing out blankets to the townsfolk.]
Elders
Free blanket? Free blanket? Free blanket...
Field Reporter
Tom, it now looks as if the Native Americans are handing out blankets as a sign of good-will towards the South Park people. What an incredible display of compassion. I certainly hope there's nothing sinister behind it.
Runs with Premise
[walks up to Randy] Please. As a token of good faith.
Randy
You... understand if I'm a little wary of trusting you.
Runs with Premise
It is only a blanket, Mister Marsh.
Randy
Well, thanks. [takes the blanket and opens it up. The Chief walks away]
Runs with Premise
Oh. You're welcome.
South Park, day, later. People are anywhere from asleep to sick.
Field Reporter
[leaning to his left] Tom, it's Tuesday morning now, and the outbreak of SARS in South Park has reached epic proportions. [coughs twice and sniffs] The entire town has been quarantined by the federal government, nobody allowed in our out, which means, nobody can come to our aid. [sniffs twice] It appears this town, and this reporter, are done for. Coming up next, choosing the right hair conditioner. What you don't know about hair care products could be costing you a bundle.
Randy has taken ill and now lies under a lean-to. Sharon sits on one side of the lean-to, Shelly on the other. Stan walks up to his dad with a can of beer in his hand. Randy coughs.
Stan
It's all right, dad.
Randy
How's your... mother?
Stan
[looks over] She's hanging in there. [looks at Randy again] Here, drink some beer. [Randy turns his head aside a bit so he can take a sip, then resets his head]
Randy
It's cool on my tongue.
Stan
You're gonna be all right.
Randy
Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. There's only a ninety-eight percent chance that I will live.
Stan
No, Dad, NO.
Randy
Listen, Stan. SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. [coughs and sniffs] Soon there will be only ninety-eight percent of us left. [runs out of air, then turns aside and breathes in. His voice turns raspy]
Stan
What can I do?
Randy
You... must find a cure for SARS, son. And save our people.
Stan
Cure SARS? Aw, Jesus!
Randy
The spirit of middle-class white people is strong in you, son. Seek out the wise man in Bellow Creek. Now go. GO! [Stan steps away, then runs. Randy relaxes and lays down]
Bellocreek Trailer Park. Stan approaches it and enters. He walks up to a trailer and knocks on the door.
Wise Man
[answers the door] What?
Stan
Hey, my name's Stan, and I was-
Wise Man
Your coming was foretold to me. You've come to save our people. Come in. [steps aside and Stan enters] Watch the cats.
Stan
Uh so, do you know how to cure SARS?
Wise Man
Me?? Huh, no. I am just a guide. Sit down.
[Stan sits down on a bucket seat from a car. Beer bottles litter the trailer floor. The walls are dingy. An open doorway reveals the man's bedroom, which shows a cross hanging on the opposite wall. A poster of a swimsuit model posing on a car hangs on the living room wall. The man sits on the couch].
Wise Man
You must find the answer yourself, by taking an inward journey. [picks up a can of paint thinner and pours it into a brown paper bag]
Stan
An inward journey? That sounds kinda gay.
Wise Man
Let the voices of our ancestors show you the way. [offers the bag to Stan] Breathe. Breathe from the bag of visions. [Stan takes the bag, looks at it, then takes a deep breath from it]
Stan
[disgusted] Ah! Oh, dude!
Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise holds a meeting in his second-story office.
Runs with Premise
How much longer must we wait for our superhighway??
Elder 1
SARS has spread throughout the entire town of South Park, Chief Runs with Premise. Their wills will break soon.
Runs with Premise
Then I suppose we must be patient.
Woman
Runs with Premise, come quickly!
Runs with Premise
What is the matter, wife?
Woman
It is our son, Premise Running Thin. He is very sick.
Premise Running Thin's bedroom. He's in bed, wearing a headband with a feather attached to it. His parents approach.
Runs with Premise
Premise Running Thin, what is the matter?
Woman
He, he shared a cup with one of the people from China. He has SARS!
Runs with Premise
No! I told you not to touch them!
Premise Running Thin
Papa. Papa...
Medicine Man
[wearing a wolf skin over his head and back] I have given him herbs from the desert plant and water from the cactus of life. But nothing seems to be working.
Runs with Premise
This would not have happened if those townspeople would have just moved away! No more waiting around! Tomorrow we begin the final stage of our plan! Shock and Awe!
South Park, next day. The townspeople are still sick. Stan runs up to Randy.
Stan
Dad! Dad!
Randy
Stanley. Did you have an inward journey with the old man? Did you have a vision??
Stan
Ah, I don't know if I did or not. I, I saw something, someone spoke to me and... told me the middle-class white way to cure SARS. [reaches into the bag and pulls out each item as he names it] Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, Dayquil, and Sprite.
Randy
Yes. Yes, of course. Quickly, Stan, we must give it to everyone! [a few hours later, everyone is standing around enjoying the soup, soda, and medicine prescribed, and chatting]
Kyle
Boy, that really did the trick, Stan. I thought we were kind of, sort of, not really done for.
Alex
Thanks to you, we're all safe now, Stan.
In the distance the bulldozers return and a yell is heard. As the bulldozers draw near, Chief Runs with Premise is seen standing on the running board of the lead bulldozer.
Runs with Premise
Now, I will blow your weak, SARS-infested bodies off the Earth! [the townsfolk look at the coming vehicles and slowly close ranks] What the? [thinks quickly] Wait a minute. [to his men] Stop! Stop! [hops off the bulldozer and walks up to the people] Your, your SARS. Where did it go?
Randy
We have cured ourselves using the medicines of our culture.
Runs with Premise
My son... Premise Running Thin has the SARS as well. [makes a truce sign with his hands] You... you can cure him?
Three Feathers Casino, upstairs. Premise Running Thin sits in bed sipping his soup. A can of Sprite and some Dayquil are on his tray. Around his bed are the Three Feathers tribe on one side, the South Park residents on the other.
Elder 1
It is amazing. All our plants and herbs failed to heal him.
Elder 2
But your people's remedy brings the spirit of the buffalo back into his heart. Perhaps there are many things we can learn from your way of life.
Randy
We're a simple people. All we want is to be allowed to live our lives.
Runs with Premise
You have cured Premise Running Thin. In return, I shall give you all five dollars credit at the casino. [his wife nudges him with her elbow a few times and he gets irritated] All right, all right, I will not build a superhighway through your town. And you can all have your homes back.
Townsfolk
All right! Yeah! [townspeople jump and cheer. Sheila and Gerald hug each other.] Woohoo!
Alex
Well, I guess we all learned that South Park is more than just a town. It's a community that nobody can split up.
Stan
Dude, who the hell are you?
Alex
Alex. Alex Glick. I got to come on and do the guest voice thingy.
Kyle
What?! Get the hell out of here!
Alex
Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Jill!
End of Red Man's Greed


  707: "Red Man's Greed" edit
Story Elements

Chief Runs With PremisePremise Running ThinS.A.R.S.Three Feathers Indian CasinoAlex Glick • "Love Is a Battlefield" • Wise Man

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Seventh Season

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