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The official script for "Rainforest Shmainforest" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Eric Cartman
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Miss Stevens
  • "Getting Gay With Kids" Choir
  • Craig Tucker
  • Jake
  • Kelly
  • Costa Rican prostitutes
  • El Presidente de Costa Rica
  • Pablo, rainforest guide
  • People's Army
  • Save the Rain Forest reporters
  • American loggers
  • The Yanogapa (with Giant Yanogapa)
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Tony Danza (cameo)

Script

Rainforest Shmainforest
South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. A group of visiting kids in yellow G.G.W.K. shirts stands next to Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, we have a special guest today, a woman recruiting young people [she walks to the group and smiles] for a national choir tour. Now I know that choir tours are totally stupid and lame [she frowns], but please, give her your full attention. [to her] Go ahead.
Choir Teacher
Uh. Thank you, Mr. Garrison. [cheerfully] How are we all doing today?! [the kids' eyes wander] I can't hear you! I said, How are we all doing?! [Cartman farts]
Mr. Garrison
[angrily] Eric Cartman, you say ‘’excuse me”!
Cartman
Okay.
Mr. Garrison
[to the choir teacher] Go ahead.
Choir Teacher
Children, we are a national choir called, "Getting Gay With Kids!" We're gonna do a big tour down in Central America to help save the rainforest, and you can be a part of it!
Kenny
This sounds fucking screwed. [the others laugh]
Mr. Garrison
Kenny McCormick, you speak when you're spoken to!! [to the choir teacher] Go ahead.
Choir Teacher
You see, we take kids from all over the country and put them in a choir [Pip yawns and Bill notices. Clyde nods off] where we sing and dance to raise awareness about our vanishing rainforest.
Choir Boy
[steps forward] Did you know over 10,000 acres of rainforest are bulldozed every year?
Choir Girl
[steps forward] That's right. And over 30% of the world's oxygen [Kenny sees her and begins to swoon] is made in the rainforest. [smiles back at him. Kenny's in love - ahem, distracted. The camera stays on him]
Choir Teacher
So, who wants to join the fun??
Cartman
What if you don't have any rhythm?
Choir Teacher
Excuse me?
Cartman
Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.
Kyle
Shut up, fatass!
Stan
Choirs suck.
Mr. Garrison
Kyle Broflovski, you watch your language!! Eric Cartman, you be nice to people!! Stan Marsh, you mind your manners!! Kenny McCormick, you pay attention!! [sighs deeply and tells the choir teacher] Go ahead.
Choir Teacher
Well, uh, that's all, really. [the girl picks her nose, smiling at Kenny] So, if anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front.
Cartman
Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper. [the other kids laugh]
Mr. Garrison
All right, that does it!!
Mr. Mackey's office. Craig isn't sitting on the bench outside, as he usually is.
Mr Mackey
[behind the door] I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! [The camera is now inside] You get sent here every day, Craig!
Craig Tucker
I know.
Mr. Mackey
Why can’t you behave?
Craig
...I don’t know.
Mr. Mackey
What do you have to say for yourself?! [nothing] Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're gonna be held back a grade if you don't luh- [Craig sticks his right middle finger up] Did you just flip me off?
Craig
No.
Mr. Mackey
Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now, see? This is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight, uh- [Craig flips Mr. Mackey off again] There! You just flipped me off again!
Craig
No I didn’t.
Mr. Mackey
Yes you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room, m'kay?! Next! [Craig hops off the chair as the door opens. The boys enter.] Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric. [Craig exits]
Kyle
Hey, Craig.
Eric
Ey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!
Mr.Mackey
Sit down, boys. Now, let's see. What did Mr. Garrison send you in here for? The boys were being rude while a choir teacher was giving some stupid presentation-
Stan
It's just some dumb activist kids' choir thing.
Mr. Mackey
Uh, young man, "Getting Gay With Kids" is not dumb, m'kay? It just so happens that I'm on the board of directors.
Kyle
Dude! All those choirs are the same. They don't even really sing. They use pre-recorded tapes.
Mr. Mackey
Well, guess what, boys? I think that "Getting Gay With Kids" is just what you need. I'm gonna sign up all four of you.
Stan
What?!
Kyle
You can't do that! [Cartman's jaw drops]
Kenny
Woohoo! [the boys look at him] I mean, 'Oh.' [looks down]
Mr. Mackey
I think this will be very good for you [writes their names down]
Stan
But we don't even care about the rainforest.
Mr. Mackey
And that's exactly why you need to go!
Cartman
[drops down and pleads] Please, Mr. Mackey, we'll be good. Don't send us to that ole kids' choir. Have mercy, Mr. Mackey.
Kyle's house, some days later. The Get Gay With Kids bus pulls up to Kyle's house to pick up Kyle, Cartman, and Stan.
Sheila
Be safe, Kyle. Bring me something back from the rainforest.
Choir Teacher
Oh, nonono. The rainforest is very fragile. We must take only pictures and leave only footprints.
Sheila
Oh, I didn't realize.
Choir Boy
Did you know that right now, bulldozers are tearing down thousands of acres of rainforest every day?
Cartman
[as he enters the bus] Aw, man, this is gonna suck donkey balls.
Stan
[As Sharon drags him to the bus] Please don't make me go on a choir tour, Mom, please!
Sharon
Stan, you should be excited. I would love to see the rainforest. Besides, your dad and I need some time alone. [tosses him into the bus]
Stan
Nooo-ho! [The door closes and the bus pulls away. Stan and Kyle look out the back window in dismay]
Choir Teacher
Okay, children, that's all of us. We're ready to head for the Latin American nation of Costa Rica, a country filled with virgin rainforest.
Cartman
Whoopee.
Choir Teacher
And you must be Eric Cartman. I've heard about you. You don't respect nature or other cultures.
Cartman
Yeah, pretty much.
Choir Teacher
Well, I'm gonna change the way you think, kiddo.
Choir Girl
[Kenny sits next to her] My name's Kelly.
Kenny
My name’s Kenny.
Kelly
Lenny?
Kenny
No, it’s Kenny.
Kelly
Johnny?
Kenny
Kenny!
Kelly
Oh. [looks away and picks her nose.]
Choir Girl
Now, we've got a looong trip ahead of us, so let's take the opportunity to learn our choreography.
Cartman
[hushed] The nightmare begins.
The bus rolls along. A map pops up, showing the bus's route, and Latin music plays. It crosses the border at Mexicali, goes down the Baja peninsula, takes a ferry to Mexico and cuts across the North to the Gulf, then snakes down Central America to Costa Rica. They arrive at San José.
Choir Teacher
Oh, look, children! I think we're entering San José, which is the capital of Costa Rica. [the kids move to their windows and look out] Oh! This is so exciting!
Cartman
Oh my God! Dude, look at how dirty and crappy everything is!
Choir Teacher
Eric, Costa Rica is a Third-World country. These people are much poorer than those in the U.S.
Cartman
Well, why the hell don't they get jobs?! [Throws open his window and yells] Ey! Why don't you people quit slacking off, and get a job! What's wrong with you?! Go to college!
Choir Teacher
Eric, sit down!
Cartman
[sits] Look, you've gotta be firm with these people or they just slack off and be poor forever. Right, Kenny? [Kenny looks at him angrily] Hey, maybe that's it, Kenny. Maybe you're Costa Rican; that's why your family's so poor.
Kenny
[to Kelly] Argh! That's just so untrue.
Kelly
[picks her nose] Your family isn't poor? [picks her nose]
Cartman
Whoa, dude, look over there! [The bus stops. There are three women in front of a shop. A man has just dropped them off, pays them and drives away, and they wave at him.] Wow! Costa Rican prostitutes! Hey, look at the prostitutes, you guys!
Redheaded Prostitute
[with heavy accent] What are chu looking at, man?
Middle Prostitute
Yeah, why don't chu take a peekture?
Cartman
Okay. [pretends] Kugheek! [grins]
Choir Teacher
Eric, SIT DOWN!
The bus stops at the Centro Nacional de Costa Rica and all exit.
Choir Teacher
Kids, this is the Costa Rican Capitol building. This is where all the leaders of the Costa Rican government make their-
Cartman
[rushing out] Oh my God, [covers his nose] it smells like ass out here.
Choir Teacher
Alll right, that does it! [turns Cartman around] Eric Cartman, you respect other cultures this instant!
Cartman
[covers his nose again] I wasn't saying anything about their culture, I was just saying their city smells like ass.
Kelly
Wow, seeing a place like this really makes you appreciate living in America, huh?
Kenny
[in bliss] Uh-huh. [Kelly picks her nose again]
Choir Teacher
You may think that making fun of Third-World countries is funny, but let me-
Cartman
I don't think it's funny! This place is overcrowded, smelly, and poor! That's not funny, that sucks!
Choir Teacher
Eric, will you please, please, just keep your mouth shut while we present ourselves to the Costa Rican President?
Cartman
Why?
Choir Teacher
Because I'll buy you some ice cream afterwards if you do.
Cartman
Eh-heheh!
Inside the Capitol. All seem to be facing the President.
Choir Teacher
Well, it was a long trip, but the children are very excited to sing tomorrow.
El Presidente
[long pause] ¿Qué?
Choir Teacher
Uh, we're, uh, we're the choir? That, that was sent from... the United States?
El Presidente
[long pause] ¿Qué?
Choir Teacher
We're the group singing for the "Save The Rainforest" summit tomorrow? [her head is cocked way to the left by now. El Presidente has no clue. Now the teacher is worried] Oh dear, where's, where's Mr. Mackey? He should have been here by now. [faces the kids] Children, do any of you speak Spanish? [Cartman waves his left arm] Don't you dare! [the main door opens]
Mr. Mackey
[rushing in] Sorry I'm late.
Choir Teacher
Ogh! Thank goodness you're here; I don't speak any Spanish.
Mr. Mackey
Oh, no problem. [to El Presidente and his men] Usted es choir de Estados Unidos, mbien?
El Presidente
¡O! ¡O! Save The Rainforest.
Choir Teacher
Yeess!
El Presidente
Pablo los llevará en un tur de la jungla. [Pablo appears]
Mr. Mackey
Uh, he says Pablo here will take you on a rainforest tour.
Choir Teacher
Oh boy! Mr. Presidente, round up your subjects outside. We have a special gift for you. The gift... uh-of song. [moves aside]
El Presidente
[long pause] ¿Qué?
On the Capitol steps.
Choir Teacher
All right, children, Let's get in our rows quickly, so we can begin.
Kelly
[walks over to Kenny, her partner] Did you remember all the choreography, Lenny?
Kenny
Yeah, I think so.
Choir Teacher
Hello, everybody. This is just a little rehearsal for tomorrow, so we may be a little rusty. [chuckles and shrugs. The people just look. She presses the play button. The kids begin to dance to the music]
The Tape

[Intro] Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow!
[Men sing]There's a place that is magical, and full of rain.
[Women sing] But now it needs help, because it is in pain.
[Men sing] Cleaning the earth is a mighty big chore
[All sing] We're spreading awareness like never before!
[Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! [Kyle is out of step now]
To spread the word and bring you cheer
Let's save the rainforest! What do you say?!
Being an activist is totally gay!

[Bridge. Man sings] Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,
[Woman sings] There'll be nothing but rainforests covering the entire world!
[Man joins her] World!
[Chorus. Kids rush into the audience and bring some members back as new partners]
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
Let's save the rainforest! It's totally gay!
It's totally gay!
[The kids regroup and Kyle stumbles into place. The tape is stopped and the subjects just walk away]

Choir Teacher
Great job, gang! You were really all over the place, Kyle.
Kyle
Thanks!
Cartman
I told you Jewish people don't have rhythm!
Kyle
Fuck off, Cartman!
Stan
No, dude! I think Cartman might actually be right.
Kyle
[alarmed] No! That's a stereotype.
Stan
Dude! Maybe you really don't have any rhythm. [Camera closes in on a stunned Kyle]
Next day, the sun rises over a sea of green, the canopy of the rainforest. The choir teacher and her group are touring with Pablo.
Pablo
This is now secondary rainforest we are entering. Notice the canopy of foliage.
Choir Teacher
Oh, it's everything I ever dreamed it would be!
Kyle
God-damn, it's hot out here!
Stan
[sees a branch] Aaah! Snake!
Kyle
No, dude. That's a branch.
Stan
Oh. [sees it again] Aaah! Snake!
Kyle
No. That's the same branch again.
Stan
Oh.
Pablo
[turns and stops the group] The rainforest is very delicate, and we must take steps to protect it.
Cartman
[impatient] Yeah yeah yeah, take steps to protect it, blah blah blah. [Pablo looks at him] We hear this a million times back up in the States.
Pablo
Here! Look! These are squirrel monkeys. [one sits in a tree, resting] Endangered inhabitants of the rainforest.
Kelly
Wow! Isn't he neat, Lenny? [takes a picture]
Cartman
[takes a branch and starts beating the monkey] Bad! Bad monkey! [it screams in pain]
Choir Teacher
Eric, what the heck are you doing?? [the monkey flees]
Cartman
[stops] I'm asserting myself. It's tough love. Just like my Mr. Kitty. When he's bad I say, “Uh that a bad Mr. Kitty!” and I smack him on the head!
Pablo
And here is a three-toed sloth. [hangs from a branch with all four legs]
Cartman
[takes the branch and starts beating the sloth] It's bad! It's a bad three-toed sloth!
Choir Teacher
[pulls him away] Eric, for God's sake, knock it off!!
Cartman
[throws the branch at the sloth] Re’spect my authoritah!
Choir Teacher
Well, Mr. Pedro, this was a great tour, but I guess we should be getting back. We have a big concert tomorrow, Don't we, kids?!
Kids
YEAH!
Choir Boy
I wish we could have seen the Yanogapa.
Kyle
What's the Yanogapa?
Choir Teacher
The Yanogapa are gentle native people that live in the rainforest, but bulldozers are destroying their homes. Soon, they will have nowhere to go. So we must stop bulldozing the rainforest so that they can live-!
Cartman
[fed up, buries his face in his mitts] Aagh Ghyod, here she goes again!!
Stan
AAAAAAA! [hides behind a girl]
Choir Teacher
Stanley, what is it?
Stan
SNAAAKE! [all see and gasp]
Pablo
[standing next to the snake wrapped around a tree trunk] Oh, yes. Uh this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.
Stan
AAAAAAA! [runs farther back]
Pablo
What's the matter, little boy?
Cartman
He's a little wuss, what's it look like? [Stan is hiding behind some foliage]
Stan
[lifts some away] I'm just a-scared of snakes.
Pablo
Naw, naw. You must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it. [the snake jumps out of the tree and wraps itself around him, suffocating him] Oh!! [the snake bites him all over the face. Stan looks and drops the foliage so as to hide, and Pablo falls] Agh.
Choir Teacher
[in horror] Oh my God!! [the snake starts swallowing Pablo]
Cartman
Yeah, that snake is really scared of us all right!
Choir Teacher
[petrified] Jesus Christ, is he dead?! [Pablo's bones come out of the snake's anus]
Stan
Dude!
Kyle
My guess would be yes.
Choir Teacher
Oh, no! God, no, no! [spins around] Don't panic, children.
Cartman
[beats the snake, which turns and comes at him] Bad! That's a bad snay-ah! [hurries away, and the snake gives chase]
The sun sets over the rainforest. The choir teacher now guides the group…
Choir Teacher
Maybe we came from that way. [points to her left] No, nno. Let's try this way. [points to her right and moves that way]
Kelly
[walking behind Kenny] Benny? Do you think we're gonna be okay?
Kenny
[stops] Yeah. Everything is fine.
Kelly
That's good. Can I tell you something?
Kenny
Okay.
Kelly
I think I like you. [holds his shoulder]
Kenny
Really?!
Kelly
[releases] Yeah. I mean, I think we communicate really well.
Kenny
Oh, that's great!
Kelly
[looks away] No, that's not good.
Kenny
That's not good?
Kelly
No. See, if I start to like you too much, [looks away] I'm only going to get my heart broken. 'Cause we live on opposite ends of the country. [looks at him again] Once this choir tour is over, we'll never see each other again. [grabs him and gets emotional] And that would devastate me. [lets go] So I can't have any feelings for you, I just can't, Lenny! [walks away]
Kenny
[pissed] Aaaargh!
Choir Teacher
Oh, children, the sun is setting. We have to find our way out of here quick!
The sun sets and the moon appears over the rainforest. Lightning flashes and the camera slowly drops to ground cover.
Choir Teacher
Whoa-kay, okay, everything is just fine, kids. Now it is important that we all stick together. Is everybody still here?
A Boy
I’m not.
Choir Teacher
Who's not?!
A Boy
Me.
Kelly
Benny, will you hold my hand? [picks her nose. When she lowers her hand, Kenny grabs it, but she looks away] I don't want to get emotionally attached, though.
Stan
Oh my God, dude!! I just saw Tony Danza!!
Lightning flashes and the group is seen sitting in a row on the ground with Tony Danza visible seated in the middle next to the choir teacher.
Choir Teacher
No, you didn't just see Tony Danza, Stanley.
Next day. The sun rises over the Centro Nacional. A rooster crows. A massive stage is prepared for the Save the Rain Forest summit. It looks like an amphitheater, with a scaffold holding ten speakers over the stage and bullhorns atop the pillars. Balloons and a Save the Rain Forest banner are also anchored to the scaffold.
El Presidente
[on stage] Bueno, bueno. Pongan el arcoiris al lado de las tortugas muertas. (Put the rainbow next to the picture of dying sea turtles.) [the worker moves along]
Mr. Mackey
[approaching] Buenos dias, Señor Presidente, ¿mbien? (Hello, El Presidente)
El Presidente
¿Qué tal? ¿Está todo bien? (Oh hello. Is everything going okay?)
Mr. Mackey
Uh, muy bien. Señor Presidente, um... ¿Usted no ha visto el coro, no, mm-hm bien? (Oh fine, fine... You, uh, haven't seen the choir have you?)
El Presidente
¡¿QUÉ?! (WHAT?!)
Mr. Mackey
Parece que anoche no regresaron al hotel, hmbien. (Well, they never came back to the hotel last night...)
El Presidente
¡¿Está bromeando, Mackey?! ¡¡¡Más de cien mil personas atenderan este evento!!! ¡¿Y me dice usted que no tendré a mis chiquitos lindos para que les canten?! (You've got to be kidding!! I have over a hundred thousand people coming to this event!!! Are you telling me that I have no darling little kids to sing to them?!)
Mr. Mackey
Estoy seguro que-uh-mmm, que-aaah llegá- llegáran. No se preocupe. Eh, olvidelo, ¿yeah-mbien? (I am sure they'll get here. No problem, forget I said anything.)
At the same time, in the rainforest, the group rises and marches on.
Kyle
Dude, we're totally lost! We're gonna die out here!
Kelly
We are?
Choir Teacher
Don't worry, Kelly. We're gonna find our way out of the rainforest and make it back to the concert in time. We just need to respect our mother rainforest so that she will respect us.
Kyle
Miss Stevens, you have a bug on your back.
Miss Stevens
Oh, really? Could you brush it off? [shows her backpack, and a huge insect half her size growls on it]
Kyle
Um, no.
Miss Stevens
[panics] Oh, boy oh!! Oh my God, get it off me!! For the love of God, get it off me!! Oh my God!! [the insect growls and falls silent. Miss Stevens returns] Oh-okay, children. We must understand that the insects of the rainforest help the delicate balance of life here. [sees the insect, still on her back] Oh my God!! [runs off]
Kyle
Rainforests suck! I wanna go home!
Kelly
Me, too! [the rest start to groan]
Miss Stevens
Shh. Children, okay, let's try to listen to what the rainforest tells us. And if we use our ears she can tell us so many things. Perhaps-
Kyle
[Kyle runs into an adult] Aaaaa! There's a dude here! [a soldier holding a shotgun]
Miss Stevens
Oh, thank goodness! Hello, sir. We are lost. [giggles] Cah heh, can you help us?
Solider
¿Qué?
Cartman
[moves forward] Let me try, let me try. We are from America. A-me-ri-ca. [the soldier listens] We are lost and verry hungry. Necesito burri-tos. [rubs his belly]
Stan
I don't wanna burrito, I want a taco. Supreme.
Cartman
Y taco.
Kyle
I want two tostadas and mild sauce.
Cartman
Two tostadas and mih-um enchilito.
Miss Stevens
Boys, please. Not every Spanish person eats tacos and burritos. That's a stereotype. [the soldier points a way out with his thumb] Children, he wants us to follow him! Oooh, thank goodness! I think this ordeal is over! [they leave]
The group arrives at a military camp deep in the rainforest. Soldiers go about their maneuvers. The kids pass a small barbed-wire bunker.
Stan
This doesn't look very safe.
Kyle
Yeah. I think we should get the hell out of here.
Miss Stevens
Now kids, let's be a bit more open-minded. I read all about this in Newsweek; this is a people's army. They are fighting the fascist policies of their fascist government. [addresses them with a lilt] Oh, hello. Do you speak of English?
People's Army Leader
[crisp] Who are you?!
Miss Stevens
Oh, wonderful! We were lost, and it is such a great coincidence we found you. You see, we're here to protest the government-sanctioned raping of your rainforest. [the soldiers just stare] We are fighters, just like you. Could you help us get back to San José? [no response] Um... [thinks] Oh, I know! Perhaps you would like a gift. Well, we have o-honly-hee one gift to give. The gift... of song [she moves aside]
Kids
Honh. [she presses the play button, and the song plays. The kids begin to dance]
Miss Stevens
[through clenched teeth] Kyle, for the love of God, do the right choreography. [as the chorus nears, Kyle is still doing the wrong moves] Oh, Kyle, please! [the kids dance through the first line of the chorus...]
People’s Army Leader
Enough! [the music stops]
Miss Stevens
Well, we hope that our gift of song has warmed your hearts.
People’s Army Leader
We're not getting gay with any kids, okay?
Miss Stevens
Uh, yah, soooo, do you have a phone we could use?
People’s Army Leader
Heehee yes, we have a phone. It's right over there next to the 12-person jacuzzi. [the other men begin to laugh] Now, get out of here before we kill you!
Miss Stevens
[sullen] Is it because of the little Jewish boy's choreography?
Kyle
Hey!
People’s Army Leader
[the soldier next to him cocks his shotgun] You white Americans make me sick! [emphasizes his disgust with thumps on the table] You waste food, oil, and everything else because you're so rich, and then you tell the rest of the world to save the rainforest because you like its pretty flowers.
Two Costa Rican soldiers can be seen behind the gasoline barrels. They pop up and open fire. The people's army immediately responds, and bullets fly everywhere. The kids scream.
People’s Army Leader
[waving the choir away] ¡Rapido, rapido! [Kenny steps in front of Kelly to shield her from any shots coming their way]
Miss Stevens
Run, children, run! [the choir moves out]
Back in San José.
El Presidente
¡¿Donde putos está el coro?! ¡El espectáculo comienza pronto! (Where the hell is our choir?! The show is supposed to start soon!)
Mr. Mackey
No se preocupe, ¿mbien? El Presidente, estáran aqui. Este evento es muy importante para que la maestra del coro se lo pierda. ¿M-m-mbien? (Don't worry, El Presidente, they'll be here. This is too important for the choir teacher to miss.)
Back in the rainforest. The choir now walks along a river bank.
Miss Stevens
Hello?? Anybody?? Help??
Choir Boy
Wow, look at the pretty flower. [stops by to touch a huge yellow flower with blue support on a large green stalk]
Miss Stevens
Oh nonono, Jake. That fragile flower is very delicate, okay? [before she could finish the sentence, the flower wraps its petals around Jake and pulls him off the floor.]
Jake
Aaaah. Ugh, help!
Miss Stevens
[quakes] Ga-ow! [quickly grabs Jake's feet and pulls. The choir walks on]
Kelly
[crying and pouting] I wanna go home! [Kenny stops and turns] I hate the rainforest!
Kenny
[walks up and puts his arm around her] Oh, there, there now. There's nothing to be afraid of, dear. [comforted, she smiles]
Kelly
[gushing] Oh Lenny, hold me. [moves away] No, I can't get attached. [pause, then moves closer] Oh, but I do like you.
Kenny
Well, I like you-
Kelly
[moves away] Oh, but you're only going to leave me.
Kenny
[pissed] Oh, God damn it!
San José. The reporters for the telecast have arrived and are in position.
Short Reporter
We're here live in San José, Costa Rica, where hundreds of rich Americans have gathered for the Save the Rain Forest summit. Everyone is here so they can feel good about themselves, and act like they aren't the ones responsible for the rainforest's peril.
Slim Reporter
That's right, Bob, and of course the main attraction today is the darling kids' choir, "Getting Gay With Kids," all of whom must be backstage preparing at this very moment.
The rainforest. The terrain looks familiar…
Miss Stevens
[the problems mount] Oh, there's just no end to this place! I think maybe we're going in circles. Oh, dear God! The summit starts in an hour; I'm gonna lose my job! [another large insect roars behind her backpack, and she jumps] Aaaah!
Cartman
[turns and walks back the way they came] This is bullcrap! I am not following this stupid hippie around anymore.
Miss Stevens
Eric, where are you going?
Cartman
I'm going this way!
Miss Stevens
Young man, I am the adult here, and I say you go this way!
Cartman
[stops] Look: you can stay over nyah [gestures towards her], but I'm going over nyah. [Gestures away from her]
Miss Stevens
Young man, I have had it!!
Cartman
Nononono! You nyah, me nyah! [gestures forward and backward] Screw you guys, I'ma going home. [walks away]
Miss Stevens
Good! You deserve to die, you little bastard! [the others watch him leave] Eric, we have to stay together!
Eric moves through the rainforest.
Cartman
God-damned stupid hippie activist! I should be home nestled in the couch with my Mr. Kitty right now watching Fat Abbot cartoons and eat- [finds himself at a clearing full of bulldozers moving wood around] Yes! I knew it! I'm saved! [rushes in]
Back by the river.
Stan
Hey. Maybe Cartman was right.
Kyle
Yeah. It happened once before.
Miss Stevens
No. The Spirit of Maya has told me to go this way.
At the clearing.
Cartman
[reaches the foreman] Mister! You've gotta help me! I'm starving to death!
Foreman
What are you doing here, little boy?
Cartman
I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rainforest, and I need some food. I'm fading fast!
Foreman
Lost in the rainforest? Oh, my Lord! Where are all the others?
Cartman
Food! I have to have food! [falls on his face]
Fireman
Oh my God! Get this child some food, quick!
Cartman
[lifts his head] Chicken wings. [drops it]
Foreman
Chicken wings!
Cartman
[lifts his head] Medium spicy. [drops it]
San José
Crowd
Start the show! Start the show! Start the show!
El Presidente
La gente está ansiosa. Dentro de poco, se alborotan y empiezan a tirar chorchadas. (The activists are getting anxious. They will start throwing things soon.)
Mr. Mackey
Estoy seguro que llegáran. Eh-solo poquito mas de tiempo, ¿mbien? (I'm sure the choir will be here. We just need a little more time)
El Presidente
Bueno, voy a entretenerlos con mis chistes de Polacos. [heads for center stage] (Well, I will try and amuse them with my Polish Jokes.)
Mr. Mackey
Mbien.
El Presidente
[on the mike] ¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a comerse un burrito? [the crowd is silent. He holds up two fingers] Dos. [seeing no reaction, he laughs, then tries again] ¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a manejar a Panamá? (How many Pollacks does it take to eat a burrito? Two. How many Pollacks does it take to drive to Panama?)
In the rainforest, the choir keeps walking.
Miss Stevens
Oh God, this is a nightmare! We're never going to make the festival!
Stan
Hey, look over there. Isn't that smoke? [a column of smoke is seen floating above the canopy]
Miss Stevens
Let's go, quickly! [they rush towards the column and find a small campfire]
Kyle
Hey, it's a fire. That means there must be people. [the shrubs around them rustle, and they face the shrubs. Some big-lipped dwarves surround them.]
Miss Stevens
Children, it's the Yanogapa. [to the dwarves] Do not be afraid. We are not here to tear down your rainforest. [the group is surrounded by spear-bearing Yanogapa men.]
Yanogapa 1
Damtilié?
Yanogapa 2
Damtilié?
Miss Stevens
[marveling] Look how they live in peace with all living things. Gentle, noble... [the Yanogapa raise their spears high] Run for your lives, children!
Stan
Holy crap! [all run]
Yanogapa
[giving chase and throwing spears] Damtilié! Damtilié! Damtilié!
Stan
Jesus Christ!
Miss Stevens
Run run ruuun! [A huge insect lands on her backpack and roars. She looks back and the insect flies away] Waaah!
Kelly
[trips and falls down] Aaaaa! Lenny! [Kenny goes back, helps her up, and they keep running. The choir runs across a puddle of quicksand and begin to sink]
Kyle
What the hell?
Stan
We're sinking.
Miss Stevens
It's quicksand, people! [the Yanogapa warriors surround them and leap with excitement, still screaming "Damtilié!"]
The Yanogapa village. Heads of unfortunate trespassers hang on poles. An abandoned camera is among them. Further on, the choir is found seated around a campfire... tied up individually.
Stan
All we ever heard growing up was, "Save the rainforest. The rainforest is fragile"!
Kyle
Yeah! Fragile my ass!
Kelly
Larry, if we make it out of this, I want to be your girlfriend. Even if we do live in different places, I don't care! [snuggles up to him]
Kenny
(Kelly, you said it!) [she tries to pick her nose, but the ropes won't let her]
The Yanogapa men are apparently no different than other men. They have dressed Miss Stevens in a skimpy home-made red-and-white cheerleading outfit, complete with pom-poms, then strung her up between two trees. They dance around her, chanting "Damtilié"
Miss Stevens
[put off] Okay. Just what the heck is going on here, people? [a giant Yanogapa rises from the brush and his voice rumbles across the rainforest. She responds] AAAAA!!
Kelly
Oh no, that big thing is going to make love to Miss Stevens!
Miss Stevens
All right, that does it!! [the men stop dancing] Goddamn stupid-ass rainforest!! This place fucking sucks!! [the giant Yanogapa is shocked] I was wrong!! Fuck the rainforest!! I fucking hate it, I fucking hate it!!
Stan
Oh, now she figures it out.
A bulldozer appears, driven by the foreman.
Foreman
Quick! Everybody help the children!
More bulldozers enter and spread out. The workers go after the Yanogapa and chase them away. The children brighten up considerably. One bulldozer scoops up a group of Yanogapa and crushes them against a tree, killing them, then backs up over a coral snake, crushing it to bits, then rolls forward over a large insect, crushing it.
Stan
Wow!
Kyle
Dude! Bulldozers rule!
Foreman
[cutting the ropes off the kids] Come on! Let's get you back to civilization!
Kids
HOORAY!!
Miss Stevens
[being cut down by a worker] Hooray, children!
Later, Miss Stevens is back in her regular clothes and sits on a gasoline barrel. Kyle sits on another one, and the rest of the kids take positions all over the bulldozer. All sip lemonade.
Miss Stevens
How did you know where we were?
Foreman
Your little friend helped me out.
Miss Stevens
Eric?
Cartman
[arriving] Who'd you expect? Merv Griffin?
Miss Stevens
What exactly are you guys doing out here, with all this ...construction equipment?
Foreman
We're clearing out big sections of the rainforest for a lumberyard.
Miss Stevens
Really? [excited] That's great!!
Foreman
You mean, you don't mind?
Miss Stevens
Nooo, I hate the rainforest! You go right ahead and plow down this whole fucking thing!
Foreman
That’s swell!
Kelly
Okay, Benny. So in order for our long-distance relationship to work, we'll have to call each other every other day.
Kenny
Okay. I can do that. [lightning strikes him, knocking her away] (Christ!) [he falls, she gets up and goes to him]
Kelly
Aaaah! Lenny! No! [Stan and Kyle rush in]
Stan
Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
Kyle
You bastards!
Kelly
[turns to face them] Whah?? Who?! Who killed him?!
Stan
They did.
Kelly
Who's "they"?!
Stan
[pause] You know, "they."
Kyle
They're... they're bastards.
Kelly
Well don't just stand there, help him!!
Kyle
What?
Stan
Help ...him?
Kelly
Aaagh! [turns around and pounds on Kenny's chest] Come on, Benny! Breathe! [she tries giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, then pounds on his chest again] Breathe, you son of a bitch! [she picks her nose, then pounds some more. Kenny coughs, and she listens]
Kyle
Whoa, dude!
San José. The choir is now at the Save the Rain Forest summit stage.
Summit Host
And now, here to teach us about the rainforest is Getting Gay With Kids. [the crowd applauds]
Miss Stevens
Does everybody remember the new lyrics? [the kids nod yes] And…
The New Lyrics


[Intro] Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow!
[Men sing] There's a place called the rainforest; it truly sucks ass.
[Women sing] Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast.
[Men sing] You say, "Save the rainforest," but what do you know?
[All sing] You've never been to the rainforest before.
[Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! [Kyle still can't dance]
To tell you things you might not like to hear. [Kenny and Kelly exchange glances]
You only fight these causes 'cause caring sells.
All you activists can go fuck yourselves!

Male Activist
That was so inspiring.
Female Activist
What a wonderful message.
The New Lyrics, part II


[Bridge. Man sings] Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,
Each year, the Rainforest is responsible for over three thousand deaths from accidents, attacks or illnesses.
[Woman sings] There'll be no more rainforests left in the entire world!
There are over seven hundred things in the Rainforest that cause cancer.
[Man joins her] World!
Join the fight now and help stop the Rainforest before it's too late.
[Chorus]
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
Let's knock down the rainforest! What do you say?!
It's totally gay! It's totally gay!

End of Rainforest Shmainforest


  301: "Rainforest Shmainforest" edit
Story Elements

Ms. StevensJennifer AnistonKellyThe Yamagampa TribeCosta RicaGetting Gay With Kids • "Getting Gay With Kids"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Third Season

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