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Quest for Ratings/Script

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Cast

  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Butters Stotch
  • Token Black
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Bebe Stevens
  • Craig Tucker
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Tweek Tweak
  • Red Goth
  • Raisins Girls
  • Principal Victoria
  • Herbert Garrison
  • Mr. Slave
  • Mr. Meryl
  • Whistlin' Willy
  • Pharmacist
  • Various Announcers

Script

[An announcer introduces the news over some action-type music]
Announcer: This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, Super School News. The news made for students, by students.
Jimmy: Welcome to S-super School News. I'm Jimmy Valmer.
Cartman: And I'm Rick Cartman.
Jimmy: The price of milk money will go up next Monday to 49 cents. The school claims the added money is due to the cow shortage in South Park County.
Cartman: Parent-teacher conferences will be held this Wednesday night, from seven to nine. So kids, get a lot of playing in before you get grounded. And now, for a look at what's on the menu for school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh.
[Reporting from the cafeteria, Stan.]
Stan: Eric, it looks as though the school will be serving a chicken cutlet. Now, that's traditionally a uh-a white meat chicken... breast, if you will, that has been breaded, and then cooked. I've been told there will also be tater-tots and a vegetable dish. This is really shaping up to be a ah-ah one fantastic lunch. Eric?
Cartman: [serious pose] ...Hard-hitting reporting, Stan. Thanks a lot. And now, here with the celebrity watch is Butters Stotch. Butters, seen any celebrities?
[Reporting from the sidewalk in front of the school, Butters.]
Butters: Nu-noo, not yet. I've been standin' out in front of the school for about ...two hours now and ah, and I haven't seen any celebrities. Uh, about thirty minutes ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver, but ih-ih-turn- it turns out it was a dead horse.
Cartman: All right, Butters, keep your eyes open.
Butters: [over a speaker] Will do.
Jimmy: More snow for South P... P-P-Park. Here's Token Black with the weather.
Token: [in front of a weather map] Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive snow storm is headed South Park's way. I asked my dad last night and he said that he heard the snow storm is expected on Tuesday. Guys?
Cartman: Kyle Broflovski now joins us for a look at sports. And Kyle, the girls' basketball team just can't get it right.
Kyle: [at a small desk, for Sports] Another devastating loss for the Cows last night, Eric. They were ahead in the game until Kelly Anderson started crying because she missed her daddy, who's on a business trip in Thailand. Uh, Kelly was so upset she couldn't play, and the Cows had to forfeit.
Cartman: Cows are on a six and O slide since Kelly's father left for that business trip.
Jimmy: And that's all for Super School News. Enjoy your day at South Park Eh-Eh-Eh-Eh- [lilts] Ehehehehe [normal] Eh-Elementary.
Stan: [returning from the kitchen to serve as cameraman] And we're... cut! [turns off the camera]
Cartman: All right, nice reporting, guys. Nice. [the reporters gather in studio]
Butters: Boy, that was a great episode!
Stan: Yeah, I think that was one of our best shows yet.
Mr. Meryl: [enters the studio] Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news. The school has to cancel your show.
Kyle: What?!
Jimmy: For God's sake,why Mr. M-M-Meryl?!
Mr. Meryl: Well, the students just aren't watching ya. Your rating was only a four this whole week.
Cartman: How many students is that?
Mr. Meryl: Four. [holds up four fingers] Four students watch your show. And meanwhile, Craig's show is getting a 57!
Stan: ...Craig's show??
Cartman: What is that butthole doing now?!
Mr. Meryl: O-hoh, it's brilliant! It's all just video footage of animals close-up with a wide angle lens. [pops a VHS tape into the player and the video starts]
Craig: [on tape, as the name of the show is displayed] Animals Close-Up With A Wide Angle Lens. [the video goes on to show close-ups of dogs and cats.]
Stan: But that's... that's crap! That's not even TV!
Mr. Meryl: It's what the students want, and it's cheaper to make than your show. Just one person and a video camera. Craig is a genius. Uh-sorry, kids. [walks between and past them]
Jimmy: [stopping Mr. Meryl] But, Mr. Meryl, we're trying to bring the news to the students. They need to know the facts, and our news team delivers them, very much.
Mr. Meryl: Kids don't care about the news, boys. It's boring. Kids wanna see animals, close-up, with a wide angle lens!
Cartman: Please, Mr. Meryl, but, the news is our life. Without it, we have nothing.
Mr. Meryl: I'm sorry, kids. Y-y-you should be proud of what you've done. It's just that it's kind of gay. [walks off]
Cartman: ...You're gay!
[Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, day. The boys are seated for lunch: Jimmy, Butters, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Token. Other kids are there as well.]
Butters: [his head resting on his right hand] Gee whiz. We sure worked hard on that new show.
Stan: Apparently it doesn't matter how hard you work.
Whistlin' Willy: [approaches the table] Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin'? [begins to whistle]
Cartman: Fuck off, Whistlin' Willy. We're not in the mood.
Whistlin' Willy: [enthusiatically] If you want a pizza, you've gotta whistle. [whistles] Come on! [whistles some more, then stops. The boys whistle back, but slowly and flatly] There you go! [sets the pizza down on the table and leaves]
Cartman: [softly] God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South Park.
Stan: [look at Cartman, but notices someone else] Hey, look, Craig just walked in. [Craig enters to cheers from the other kids in the restaurant and waves back to them. Several kids take pictures of Craig]
Bradley: Yeah!
Kid 1: Hey look, it's Craig!
Kevin: Hey, Craig, over here!
Kyle: Geez, all that from a stupid video show.
Craig: [sees the other boys and addresses them] Oh hey guys. Heard about your news show being cancelled.
Cartman: Go play with yourself, Craig.
Craig: Yeah, well, I've got an overall deal with the school, heh. They're paying me six dollars a week to come up with new shows.
Stan: Your idea took about this much thought, Craig! [holds up a fist with thumb and index finger just a centimeter apart]
Craig: [throws the gesture back at Stan] This much more than you had! [walks off with his fans. They head to Willy's VIP Lounge, which is just a large corner booth. A waiter guards access to the lounge and Craig approaches.] Hey, a round of root beers for everyone! On me! [the other kids cheer and the waiter opens the lounge. The kids pour into place, including Kenny.]
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Cartman: [catches up to Kenny] Kenny, what the hell are you doing with this asshole?!
Kenny: (Craig just asked me to do his show, geez.)
Cartman: You're helping Craig make his show?! I can't believe you would betray us like that! We've always been supercool to you! [Kenny flashes back to Cartman gloating about their news show:

"Hahahahahaaahaaa! We're gonna do a news show, and you can't do it with us, because you are too poo-oor, and poor people don't watch the new-oos! Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa!"

The flashback ends]
Ah whatever, Kenny! [walks away]
Craig: Hey gang, I brought the new episode of wide angle, close-up animals. [the kids cheer again. Clyde walks up and takes the tape from Craig]
Clyde: [excitedly runs towards the video wall] Put it, put it up on the, monitors! [puts the tape into the player and more close-up footage of animals is shown]
Kids: Cuuute. [a kitten's face is shown] Super cuuute.
Kyle: [turns back to the table] Gah, I just don't get it.
Token: Wow, those animals are pretty cute.
Stan: Token! Now, come on, guys! We worked too hard to just roll over for Craig and his stupid overall deal. Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves, we just need to figure out how to make our show better!
Kyle: Yeah. Maybe if we can get higher ratings by the end of the week, they'll let us stay on the air!
Butters: Well, what are we waitin' for?!
Stan: Come on, guys! [the boys leave]
[Student Conference Room 1-F, later. Inside, A sign above the chalkboard reads "Idea Room." Cartman has his feet up on the table. Stan paces the floor.]
Stan: All right, we all need to come up with ideas for our show.
Kyle: How about we revamp the name? Super School News sounds dry.
Cartman: It should be Sexy News.
Token: Action News!
Stan: Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good.
Kyle: Maybe the problem is we don't have very good stories to report on.
Cartman: Right. We should make up stories, because they'll be far more interesting.
Butters: Hey, yeah. Uh why I could say I saw celebrities even though I didn't, a-a-and then lie about what I saw them doing.
Cartman: Nice, Butters, write that down!
Butters: [enunciates each word as he writes it] Lie about celebrities.
Stan: We have to appeal to all the students, so we, we need hot girls for the sixth graders...
Cartman: And panda bears for the preschoolers.
Stan: Good!
Kyle: Maybe we need to make students think they have to watch our news show or they'll die.
Token: Yeah! We should make up a bunch of reports about how dangerous it is to be alive.
Butters: Oh, boy!
Jimmy: Fellas, are you sure all of this ie-eh-ethical?
Cartman: We're in fourth grade, Jimmy. We don't even know what ethical means.
Stan: All right, Sexy Action School News Team, it's time to go to work. Get out there and get some stories!
Butters: Sexy Action School News Team, ho! [the boys leave their seats and head out the doors. Cartman stops Token]
Cartman: Ah, Token, can I have a quick word with you? [takes Token by the arm and walks him away from the door] Look, Token, I-I know the guys are having trouble bringing this up with you, but uh... Well the thing is, Token, we... we really need to revamp your whole TV persona.
Token: Huh?
Cartman: You see Token, people really enjoy seeing African-Americans on the news... Seeing African-Americans on the news, not hearing them. That's why all African-Americans newspeople learn to talk more... wha, how should I say... white. [Sees that Token isn't following] Token, all the great African-Americans newspeople have learned to hide their ebonic tribespeak with a more pure Caucasian dialect. There's no shame in it, and I think it'll really help our ratings.
Announcer: This is South Park Elementary School closed-circuit television. And now, [dramatic fanfare] Time with the Sexy Action School News! [a splashy logo appears with a small explosion behind the logo, then a female silhouette walking across the screen behind the words]
Cartman: Is South Park about to explode from a methane gas leak? More on that later. But first, Stan Marsh has a look at some new outfits for the Raisins girls!
[Reporting from Raisins, Stan Marsh. He's surrounded by Raisins with shorter shorts and tank tops]
Raisins Girls: Woohoo! Woohoo!
Stan: Eric, the outfits are even skimpier than before, leaving very little to the imagination. No doubt that if I were a little older, I would be aroused.
Raisins Girls: Woowhoowoo!
Cartman: And now, for a look at the weather, here is Token Black, and Token, I hope there's no tornadoes headed our way.
Token: [deeper, whiter voice] No tornadoes, Eric, but interestingly enough, there is a low-pressure storm moving in over the Park County Valley. Should bring us some chilly days ahead. [grins and points his index fingers at the camera]
Jimmy: The Park County School Board has approved a bigger budget for the computer lab up-
Cartman: [rudely interrupting] Oooo, hang on, Jimmy, it looks like Kyle has the dish on some students' bathroom habits. Kyle?
Kyle: [at a different, flashier desk] Eric, sources are speculating that third-grade student, Pete Thelman [his picture is shown], pees sitting down like a girl. We've also got confirmation that Sally Turner [her picture is shown] stuffs her bra. And Clyde Donovan has only one testicle.
Cartman: [cracks up with laughter, then holds up a finger] One testicle! [pounds the desk and laughs] What an asshole! [a short jingle is heard]
Token: Uh-oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness Minute! [circus music plays as panda-suited mascots and the other reporters join Token in the weather area and dance. A pulsating logo appears]
Cartman: Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness! And now, let's get a look at the celebrity watch, with Butters.
Jimmy: [dismayed] This isn't the news, this is a tr-tr-tr-tr-travesty.
[Student Conference Room 1-F]
Cartman: All right, so after my report on the unsanitary conditions of the school cafeteria, we're go to Kyle for the story on Brian Teeves trying to make out with Susan Farkle.
Stan: Then, let's do Token's report on how global warming is going to kill everyone in the fifth grade.
Token: That is a terrific idea, Stan, A-Okay.
Jimmy: [walks into the room with a tape] Fellas! Fellas, I got fant-tastic news! The vice-President, Dick Cheney, was in Denver yesterday, and I got an interview with him for our news show. [the boys look at Cartman]
Cartman: Oooo, interview with the vice-President, hmmm. Frankly, Jimmy, I don't know how we're gonna fit that in between cheerleader pie-eating and Who's got Skidmarks Monday.
Jimmy: But this is real news!
Cartman: It's boring news, Jimmy.
Jimmy: How do you know?! You you haven't s-seen it yet!
Cartman: All right, tell me about it.
Jimmy: Well, in the interview, Mr. Cheney tells me all about how the-
Cartman: [yawns loudly] Aww! Ohh! God, I just got so sleepy. I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
Jimmy: Look, fellas, I've got a real problem with the direction our news show is going! We're dumbing down the school!
Stan: No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb. We're just giving them what they want.
Kyle: We're making the news more appealing to students.
Jimmy: This isn't the news! This a b-b-bastardized quest for ratings! Damnit, we have a journalistic responsibility to bring students the fa... the facts! [begins to walk around the table] Don't you see what we've done? In our efforts to compete with Craig's small-minded show, we've made a mockery of n-nununews reporting. I remember when we all made an oath to each other, way back when started playing news reporter, that we would never let anything jeopardize our integrity! Well our integrity is jeopardized! And if we can't report news the honest way, what good is n-news reporting? [Cartman then yawns loudly again]
[Mr. Meryl's office, Audio-Visual Department]
Mr. Meryl: Boys, first of all, I want to tell you how impressed I am with your ability to get more ratings. Your show beat Close-up Animals with a Wide Angle Lens by three viewers!
The Boys: All right! Woohoo! Awesome! [the boys give each other hugs all around and shake hands]
Stan: I knew we could do it!
Kyle: We beat Close-up Animals!
Cartman: Oh man, this is so great! We, we worked so hard to be on top! Oh, oh come'ere you! [hugs Butters]
Mr. Meryl: Yes, but unfortunately, you got crushed in the ratings by Craig's new show. [the boys continue cheering, then stop and look at Mr. Meryl]
Stan: Craig's new show?
Mr. Meryl: All the students love it. It's an incredible idea called Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens... Wearing Hats. Take a look. [clicks Play. The boys turn around to look at the monitor. The animals on display now are wearing hats, but it's the same show as before otherwise.] That Craig is a freakin' genius, I tell ya. He's like... an idea machine.
Butters: Does... Does this mean we're still gonna get cancelled?
Mr. Meryl: I'm afraid it's worse than that, boys. I'm gonna have to give you all F's in Extracurricular AV Class. You have to learn now how important ratings are!
Stan: Hey wha-b-but we gave it our best.
Mr. Meryl: Yes.

[begins to rock in his seat] And I guess your best wasn't good enough [shows them the door]

.
[In the hall. Mr. Meryl closes the door behnd them.]
Stan: [stunned] I don't believe it.
Cartman: I can't lose this extracurricular credit. I need it to pass fourth grade!
Butters: Stupid news hair! [removes his wig and kicks it away. It bounces like a rubber ball]
Jimmy : Fellas! Don't you see? This proves my point. We have to elevate our ideas up, not down.
Kyle: Yeah, Jimmy's right. I know we can come up with way better ideas than Craig.
Stan: Yeah. To save our show, all we need to do is come up with the best idea for an episode ever!
[Student Conference Room 1-F. The kid reporters sit around trying to think of something, anything, but all there is is silence]
Kyle: What if we do a show where we- [stops] Uh, no.
Cartman: How about we have us, um... hmmm.
Stan: Come on, doesn't anybody have any show ideas?
Butters: Well, how about we get panda bears and we have them dance around with us?
Token: We did that!
Jimmy: Wow, coming up with ideas is... hard.
Stan: Look, you guys, if Craig can do it, we can do it! Come on! [time passes. Stan begins to pace the floor again] How about we do... a show... with us... ughhh.
Kyle: Thee... uhhh. What if the-?
Cartman: Wait, I've got it. [the boys turn and look at him] Crab people.
Stan: Crab people?
Cartman: They're like half crab, half people, and they live below the ground.
Stan: [looks at Cartman, then gets annoyed] Dude, I think we can do a little better than crab people.
Butters: I know! We should read the funnies! [hops off his chair and goes to a table, on which sits the Sunday Funnies] I always get good ideas from the funnies.
Cartman: [his face buried in his hands] Butters, only gay little dweebs read the funnies!
Butters: Yeah! I read 'em all the time! Uh here's one: the uh, snail tripped over a hurdle, and the other snail says "Well that's gonna add another hour to his time." [laughs] Yeah! You guys! [gets no reaction from the other boys] Heh.
Cartman: How about we do a show where we kill Butters? [time marches on and the boys get sleepy, except for Butters]
Butters: [still reading the funnies, giggles, then laughs] So Dagwood says "Good, guh-good thing we're playin' ...uh the back nine at your house." [laughs heartily]
Stan: We're hopelessly stuck, completely out of ideas.
Cartman: We have crab people. Just sayin'.
Kyle: Wait! You know what we should do? We should all take a bunch of cough medicine!
Token: Cough medicine?
Kyle: That's what the sixth graders do behind the school at recess. They take way too much cough medicine because they say it makes them see things in their heads.
[South Park Pharmacy, later. The boys are at the cold and flu medicine aisle.]
Butters: Gee whiz, there sure is a lot of 'em.
Kyle: How do we know which one to use?
Stab: [reaches out and grabs one, then steps back] How about this one? Calminex? [reads the label] "Warning: Taking more than the recommended amount can cause severe side effects."
Cartman: That sounds perfect.
Jimmy: B-b-bingo!
Pharmacist: Can I help you boys?
Stan: Uh, yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration, so we're gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine.
Pharmacist: Whoa, boys! That's not what you need to come up with ideas.
Kyle: It's not?
Pharmacist: No! What you want is Calminex PM. [grabs a similar bottle to the first one and hands it to Kyle] It has the dexatrimfan in it that causes hallucinations in large doses.
Kyle: Oh, okay.
Pharmacist: Now, if it's more of a lucid, speedy kind of high you're looking for, I do also carry the Daytab Cold and Flu. Then there's the maximum-strength Cortitussin Cough and Cold, but of course, that's only if you really want to trip balls.
Jimmy: Wha-what do you think, fellas?
Stan: I guess we'll just take all of 'em.
Pharmacist: That's the spirit! All right, boys, I'll just need your parents' permission. [the boys look at each other] Kidding! I'm just pulling your legs. Come on over to the register. [goes to the register. The boys follow and see Herbert Garrison and Mr. Slave waiting for the pharmacist]
Herbert Garrison: Oh, looks like somebody else is doin' a little partyin' tonight.
Mr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ
Butters: Woo. We aren't havin' a party.
Herbert Garrison: Oh yeah, sure, you're just buyin' that for your bad coughs, right? [fakes a bad cough and nudges Mr. Slave] Us too. [coughs]
Mr. Slave: [coughs] Jesus. [coughs]
[Student Conference Room 1-F. Butters and Jimmy sit at a sofa. Jimmy has set his crutches aside and is now drinking the cough syrup]
Kyle: [handing out a few things] All right, now everybody take a tablet and a pencil. [Stan, Token, and Cartman are on the floor] and when all the ideas start coming, just write 'em down. We might not remember everything otherwise.
Butters: [Jimmy hands him a bottle] Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative and smart. [chugs down the cough syrup] Hohhh, it's all thick and g-gooey.
Cartman: [taps at his notepad several times with a pencil] Huh. I don't have any ideas yet.
Kyle: Stan? [Stan's eyes have glazed over and he looks stupefied. From Stan's point of view, the whole world changes. Kyle how has a wolf head with yellow eyes.] Dude, Stan, you all right?
Jimmy: [appears as a yellow figure with multi-colored polka dots all over his body] I think maybe he's f-feeling it.
Cartman: [appears as a blob with echoing voice] Stan, are you getting good ideas?
Butters: Whoa... [stretches out his left hand] I'm feeling kind of bowling-ballish, fellas.
[Stan begins his head trip. He sees a tunnel with yellow light, then a flash of plasma, then an aminated Mandelbrot design, then a prize-winning dog on a pedestal. A bell sounds. Next, a tunnel with blue light, which ends up at a performance of some sort, a time-lapse shot of rolling clouds, another Mandelbrot animation, a running shot of a meadow, then a wide-angle view of the boys]
Cartman: [with altered voice] Stan? Stan, come on. We're gonna go find a frog. [smiles, turns around and walks away]
[Stan then sees time-lapse footage of a ride through a city, then blooming flowers, then time-lapse footage of the reporters walking around the valley, then some weird graphics, then Cartman in degraded colors. Cartman and Stan speak to him in weird altered voices]
Cartman: Oh dude, I just got the best idea
Kyle: Me too. [they quickly write their ideas down in their notepads]
[Stan then sees an imploding building, then some dancing African women, an explosion in another building, a zoom-pan shot of an African dancer. Next he sees himself and the boys on a sidewalk in downtown. Butters talks to him in the same altered voice the other voice have spoken to him in]
Butters: Hey! Let's run naked through the street! [Butters rips off his clothes and wig and runs away happily. Kyle, Token, and Cartman stand around with goofy grins on their faces doing nothing.]
[Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. Token and Jimmy are in amchairs, Stan stayed on the floor, Kyle, Butters, and Cartman are on the sofa. Butters is in his underwear. All of them are groggy]
Cartman: Dude, this TV show is awesome.
Stan: It's... it's the greatest show of all time.
Kyle: I could watch this for days. [the show they're watching is Craig's new show, Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats]
The Boys: [without enthusiasm] Cuuute. Super cuuute.
[Student Conference Room 1-F, next morning. The boys are now asleep. Butters is still in his underwear with his head on Kyle's lap. Stan, sleeping on the floor, wakes up and looks around]
Stan: You guys. You guys, wake up! [the boys are roused]
Kyle: Ah!
Butters: Huh?
Kyle: Butters, get away from me!
Butters: [looks down at his body] Oh J-Jesus, where are my clothes?!
Stan: We took a bunch of cough medicine to come up with ideas for our show. I didn't come up with anything.
Cartman: I-I did. I wrote something down. [reaches down and gets his tablet] Here it is! Uh, squiggly line, circle. [shows the drawing to the other boys]
Kyle: I wrote down... all the lyrics to the Happy Days theme song.
Stan: You guys, we watched Craig's show all night long.
Token: [still groggy] Yeah. It was great.
Stan: No, but don't you see? We didn't think it was great before. I think I understand now. [strokes his chin] I think I know why Craig's show gets such great ratings! Half the school is high on cough medicine!
Kyle: Jesus, you may be right.
Jimmy: Fellas, this is our chance! Everyone get your hair looking as fantastic as possible. It's time for us to do the most incredible investigative news report of our journalistic lives!
Announcer: This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, [sudden change of tone and flashy graphics follow] a Sexy Action News Team Special Report: Cough Medicine Abuse in School! [the boys are shown in their news reporter attire and they strike serious poses. Cartman takes off his glasses.] With the Sexy Action School News Team! [a shot of a coffin being lowered into its plot] It's the report you can't afford to miss! [a skull and crossbones appear and a scream is heard. The picture itself takes on a blue hue] And now here is Rick Cartman!
Cartman: [camera pans down to him] They call it cough syrup, cough medicine, cold and flu remedy. But behind closed doors at South Park Elementary it also has a street name. Coochie, wombat juice, tigger yum yum. Hello, I'm Rick Cartman. Today, the Sexy Action School News Team takes you inside the dark and lonely world... of cough medicine abuse.
Stan: [voice over] They're doing it in the hallways! [a shot of Tweek downing some cough syrup, then jumping in surprise with his iconic yelp and running away] Behind the school! [a shot of the Goth kids downing cough medicine]
Red Goth: Hey, get out of here, you fuckin' dork!
Stan: Even in the girls' bathroom! [a shot of Bebe and Red in the restroom viewed through an air vent. Bebe takes a sip from a bottle of cough medicine, gives it to Red to sip, then notices something in the air vent]
Bebe: [approaches the sink under the vent] Is somebody in there?! I'll tell on you!
Stan: [a shot of Jimmy and Principal Victoria looking at the report] We showed the shocking footage to the principal!
Principal Victoria: Oh my goodness!
Jimmy: P- Principal Victoria, can you explain how your administration fuh-failed to see this p-p-pro-o-o... p-p-problem.
Principal Victoria: Well I... we...
Kyle: [steps into view in front of Cartman, who has his arms crossed] So where are students getting all this cough medicine?? [Cartman uncrosses his arms and puts his fists on his hips. Kyle puts his hands behind his back] This surveillance footage shows a group of troubled kids getting all the smack they want from a pharmacist! [it's the footage from their own visit to the pharmacist for the medicine] Sexy Action School News reported the pharmacist to the South Park police, and he was immediately arrested! [a shot of the pharmacist being escorted out of the store and into a cruiser. Officer Barbrady takes part in the arrest]
Token: The cough companies claim they don't intend for their product to be used by kids to get high! But one look at the packaging tells otherwise. [brings out the first package] Theradryl DM. For kids. [brings out the next package] Dexa Cough, children's formula.
Cartman: And now, for a quick celebrity check, here's Butters Stotch.
Butters: [from the front of the school] Still no celebrities, Eric. Uhn, I'll keep my eyes open.
Stan: The cough medicine problem used to also run rampant in neighboring Middle Park Elementary. But they took action: ridded their entire town of cough medicine, and what we see now is a happier school, 100% cough medicine-free. [a shot of the hallways from the entrance. All the kids are coughing and walking around. Some of them sneeze]
[Mr. Meryl's office, later.]
Mr. Meryl: Boys, I want to congratulate you on what is perhaps the finest piece of student television I've ever seen. Not only did you get all the students and myself off of couch medicine, but you got a 22 in the ratings!
Kyle: Twenty-two people?! All right!
Craig: [enters and moves past the other boys] You wanted to see me, Mr. Meryl?
Mr. Meryl: Oh yes, Craig. It appears that the ratings for your show are down significantly.
Stan: [knowingly] Gee, what a concidence.
Jimmy: I wonder... oo-oo.. w-why?
Mr. Meryl: You need to know how important ratings are, Craig, so, I'm going to suspend you from school and request that you have your testicles removed surgically. [Craig's jaw drops.]
Cartman: [gleefully] Haha! In your face, Craig!
Mr. Meryl: You boys are approved for twenty-seven new shows. I want you to come up with an even better idea than the cough medicine story. Get to it!
[Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. The boys are seated at the table once again, sitting in silence]
Stan: Nobody has any ideas?
Cartman: This sucks. I don't wanna keep havin' to come up with ideas for shows all the time. It hurts my head. [Token and Kyle sit across from him with no ideas either]
Kyle: Dude, bail?
Cartman: ...I think bail.
Stan: ...Bail. [everyone leaves the table]
Jimmy: Yep, b-b-b-bail. [the room is empty as the door closes off-camera.]
[End of Quest for Ratings. The last scenes are that of "Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats"]



  811: "Quest for Ratings" edit
Story Elements

Super School NewsSexy Action School NewsMr. MerylAnimals Close-Up With a Wide-Angle Lens • "Animals Close-Up With a Wide-Angle Lens"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Eighth Season

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