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The official script for "Proper Condom Use" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Timmy Burch
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Bebe Stevens
  • Tweek Tweak
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Randy Marsh
  • Principal Victoria
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Ms. Choksondik
  • Chef
  • Richard Adler
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Jenny
  • Filmore
  • Flora
  • Richard Tweek
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Mark the pharmacist and Assistant
  • "The Miracle of Child Birth" Narrator

Script

Proper Condom Use
South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on a hill — Jennifer Lopez doll with car, and some damage from the firecracker last time.
Stan
[voice only] "So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez!"
Kyle
[face appears] "No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make albums or movies."
Stan
[face appears] "That's what you said last time [pulls out a magnifying glass from his back pocket], but obviously we must now resort to more drastic measures" [moves the magnifying glass over the doll's body and fixes it there, focusing the sun's rays into a point]
Kyle
[fakes a cry] "Oh God it burns! It bur-huhurns!"
Stan
"Scream for me, bitch!"
Kyle
"AAAAAAAH!" [the doll's head begins to melt and shrivel, then Stan removes the magnifying glass]
Stan, Kyle
Whoa! Awesome!
Cartman
[runs up excitedly] Ey you guys! You guys! Come 'ere, you guys, come check this out!
Stan
Oh no, what now?
Cartman
No, you guys, this is really cool. Come on! [goes away, and Stan and Kyle follow]
Kenny's house, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle approach the house. Kenny's on the front lawn with a dog, and the other boys join him
Kyle
What's this all about, Kenny?
Kenny
(Wait until you see what I can do to the dog!)
Cartman
Watch this. It's sooo funny. [grins] Come 'ere, dog, come on. [giggles as he starts pleasing the dog] Good dog. [the dog rolls over on its back and Cartman starts stroking the dog's penis] Red rocket red rocket. [Stan and Kyle look at each other. Kenny starts to laugh and clap, and the dog's penis lengthens] Red rocket. Red rocket. [chuckles] Come on. [giggles]
Stan
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Cartman
I'm milking the dog. They make dog milk.
Kyle
No they don't!
Kenny
(Yeah they do!)
Cartman
[continues milking] Yeah, just hold on a minute. The fifth graders showed us how to do it. [concentrates on the dog] Red rocket. Come on, dog, red rocket! [the dogs ejaculates, and the semen lands on Cartman's face] Ohooohhh!
Stan
Whoa, cool! [the dog quickly stands up and walks off]
Kyle
That's awesome!
Cartman
I told you guys.
Stan
I had no idea dogs made milk; do it again.
Cartman
[sighs] Dumbass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours. It doesn't work if you beat off the dog again right away.
Kyle
You "beat off?"
Cartman
[rolls his eyes up] That's what it's called when you milk a dog: beating it off. [looks at Kenny] Don't you guys know anything?
Stan
Wow, you learned all this from the fifth graders?
Cartman
Yeah, I guess they thought we were cool, so they showed us how to do it—hey come here, dog. Dog, come here! [laughs as a gray dog approaches]
Stan's house, night. Sharon is holding court in the living room, in a circle of chairs. She and Randy have eight guests over for some discussion...
Sharon
I was really happy with this month's book. I agree with what Bob and Linda said-
Stan
[rushes in with Sparky] Mom! Dad! You gotta see this!
Sharon
Not now, Stanley. This is Mommy and Daddy's book club night, remember?
Stan
But it's super-cool!
Sharon
Later, sweetie. [to the group] Anyway, I found myself enticed by Steinbeck's imagery.
Man
Uh the first chapter alone was filled with poetry.
Sharon
[Stan takes the dog and sets up near the table, away from the club circle] Oh, wasn't it? I mean, the first sentence: [reads from "Cannery Row." Stan starts milking the dog]
Stan
Red rocket. Red rocket, Sparky. Red rocket.
Sharon
"Cannery Row in Monterey in California-" ["Red rocket. Red rocket, Sparky. Red rocket."] "-is a poem, a stink, a grating noise..." [The other adults lean in to see the action in the background. "Red rocket. Red rocket, Sparky."] It's amazing how with three images [Mrs. Tweek covers her mouth as Mr. Tweek looks on, surprised] he puts you right there, and...
Stan
[his parents turn at the sound of his voice] Red rocket, red rocket!
Randy
[recognizes the activity] WAAAH!
Sharon
Stanley, what the hell are you doing?!
Stan
I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, red rocket. [the other adults turn away or show shocked looks]
Sharon
[both parents now standing] STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!
Stan
My room? Why?
Sharon
Go, Stanley! [he walks off to his room. Sparky looks at the group, then gets up and follows Stan out, with penis still erect. Sharon turns around and says sheepishly] Ahaha, ahem. Heheh, he, he gets very good grades.
Stan's house, later. His parents have entered his room, quite upset at his behavior earlier. Stan rests his head on his hands.
Sharon
Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?
Stan
No!
Randy
Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company! [Sharon glances at him] Ah I mean, ever! Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever!
Stan
Why?! What's the big deal?!
Sharon
Stanley, don't you understand what you are doing??
Stan
I was doing "red rocket" to make the dog's milk come out.
Randy
No, Stan! What you were doing to the dog was-ss sexual.
Stan
Huh??
Sharon
You were stimulating the dog, Stanley! What came out of him was his... r-Randy?!
Randy
Well, you know, when you do that to a m-male... the... eh eh you make his... stuff come out. [Stan looks confused] Well, Jesus, haven't they taught you these things at school?!
Stan
What things??
Sharon
Sexual education. Haven't you learned that yet?
Stan
No!
Sharon
Oh. Look, well, you see, Stanley,... Well, your school should be teaching this stuff!
Randy
Yeah! Let's get that damned school on the phone! [walks out the door. Sharon follows him out. Stan looks ahead blankly]
South Park PTA meeting, night. The parents are there, clamoring and arguing.
Principal Victoria
Okay, parents. I know a lot of you want a chance to speak, but we have to talk one at a time.
Sharon
[stands] Look, our kids are learning sexual things on the street and on television. There's no way we can stop it. The schools have to teach them sexual education at a younger age.
Principal Victoria
School policy has been to teach sexual education later. In the fifth grade.
Mr. Tweek
It isn't soon enough.
Stuart
Yeah. Why, just this afternoon our son was caught beatin' off our dog. [Randy and Sharon look at each other in recognition of the act]
Chef
Look, parents. Do you really want your children learning about sex? Part of the fun of being a kid is being naive! Let them be kids for a while.
Ms. Choksondik
Naive at what cost, Chef? Parents, we have to face facts: Children in America are having sex at younger and younger ages. STDs are affecting younger and younger kids all the time. The only way we can combat that is by educating children before they have sex.
Chef
The first thing that kids learn about sex shouldn't be some bitch-scare tactic about STDs.
Sheila
[rising] No, she's right! With all the teen pregnancies that are out today, I think my boy does need to know about sexual education. [sits, then rises again] From the school.
Adults
Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah, we have to.
South Park Elementary, day. "Fourth Grade B" is shown on a classroom door. Sixteen boys are present.
Mr. Mackey
Okay, boys, this is the first day of sexual education, m'kay? Now, I know that some of you think this is very funny. Words like "penis" and "vagina." [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman stifle some giggles] Nuh- now STOP that, m'kay! We're goin' tuh get through this by being mature and grown up, m'kay. [turns and goes over to turn off the light, and turn on the projector with a remote control. Color cross-sections of male and female anatomies show up on the screen. Mackey jabs the screen with his pointer. The boys, especially Kyle, analyze the pictures. Mackey then points to the male anatomy] Now, this is the male anatomy, m'kay. Here we see the testes and the scrotum. [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman stifle some more giggles] STOP that, m'kay! The next person that laughs is gonna get a referral! [the boys stop quick] M'kay. Now, in order to have intercourse, the man takes his penis, and he... hmmm... uhh... [slows his speech a bit] let's see, the man takes his penis, and he... hm.
Stan
Dude, haven't you ever had intercourse, Mr. Mackey?
Mr. Mackey
Well, sure I have! It's just... I was about 19 at the time, so it's been about 21 years... m'kay. Let's see, uh... [turns around and starts again] I'm pretty sure I took th-yeah I took the penis, and I bu- uh, what the hell did I do with that damned thing??
South Park Elementary, day. "Fourth Grade" is shown on a classroom door — this is Ms. Choksondik's room. Twelve girls are present.
Ms. Choksondik
Alright girls, even though this may be stuff you don't want to hear, you need to hear it.
Wendy
Oh, we wanna hear it, Ms. Choksondik. We're excited.
Bebe
Yeah, we think it's gonna be fun!
Girls
Yeah!
Ms. Choksondik
Fun! It's going to be fun! Well let's start with our first lesson, then, shall we? [writes on the board] SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES!! [the girls sit quietly] That's right, because unless you get boys to wear condoms you can and will get a sexually transmitted disease from them! How fun is that, hmmm?! Is that fun?
Wendy
I didn't mean that-
Ms. Choksondik
Today over 20,000 Americans will contract a sexual disease! TODAY! Twelve thousand more tomorrow! And the reason is that you girls wake up in the morning and say, "It's not going to happen to me." You say, "Oh, Ms. Choksondik, that happens to girls in Detroit, in Brooklyn, but not here in Colorado." WRONG! [the girls look chastened] Gonorrhea, herpes, chlamydia, HPV, HIV, syphilis, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, the list goes on and on! These are serious diseases! They have serious consequences! [the girls are definitely afraid] You think that sex is about fun and games and love? [now with a folder in her left hand] Wrong! Sex is about disease! Here's a little picture of herpes.
Girls
AAAHHH!
Ms. Choksondik
And here's a little syphilis for you!
Girls
AAAHHH!
Ms. Choksondik
That's right, girls. Here's what happens when you don't get boys to use condoms!
The school kitchen, lunch.
Chef
Hello there, children.
Boys
Hey Chef.
Chef
How is sexual education class going?
Stan
It's dumb. Mr. Mackey doesn't teach us nothin'.
Chef
Yeah, I don't think Ol' Mackey knows a hymen from a hysterectomy. And Choksondik? I'd be surprised if she's ever gotten laid in her life.
Kyle
Yeah... Chef, what's "laid"?
Chef
...Oh, nothin'. Now, move along, children, you're holdin' up the line.
The school cafeteria, moments later. The boys exit the kitchen. Behind them are Tweek, Token, Clyde, Butters, Kevin and Timmy.
Kyle
Hey! Maybe we should ask the girls what they learned in sex ed.
Stan
Yeah. [they approach the girls] Hey Wendy, did you guys get-
Girls
AAAAHHH! [hurry away from their table]
Kyle
What the hell is wrong with them? [the boys move towards the girls, who now have their backs against the far wall]
Stan
You guys, we just wanna know-
Girls
AAAAHHH!
Wendy
Stay away from me, Stan!
Stan
Why?
Wendy
Are you wearing a condom?
Stan
...A what?
Girls
AAAAHHH!
Bebe
Do any of you have your condoms on?
Kyle
No.
Girls
AAAAHHH!
Wendy
Don't you know that without wearing a condom you could get a disease?
Kyle
Nuh uh.
Bebe
Yuh huh! If you don't wear a condom, you're gonna get AIDS.
Cartman
AIDS?
Butters
Oh, jeez. Ah I don't wanna get the AIDS, fellas.
Kyle
Is that what you learned in sex ed?
Cartman
Mr. Mackey didn't say nothin' about that.
Stan
Dude, Mr. Mackey didn't know anything about anything.
Wendy
You guys have to wear condoms. Now, please, just, just go away. We don't want your AIDS.
Stan
[moves towards Wendy] But Wendy, we don't understand how that-
Girls
AAAAHHH! [they throw their food up in the air and scatter, leaving the boys confused]
Kyle
Oh my God, dude.
Butters
Uh what are we gonna do, huh?
Stan
Dude, we gotta go get condoms quick.
Boys
Yeah. [they set their meals down at nearby tables and walk away. Cartman returns for his meal and takes it with him]
South Park pharmacy. The boys go in: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Clyde, Token, Butters, Kevin, Tweek, and Timmy
Pharmacist
Can I help you boys?
Stan
Yeah, we need condoms!
Pharmacist
[looks at them funny] Condoms?
Kyle
Yeah. Quick!
Pharmacist
How old are you boys?
Stan
Why does that matter?
Butters
Ha-I'll be nine next week.
Pharmacist
Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.
Kyle
Well why not? You want us to get AIDS?
Pharmacist
I just don't think kids your age should be-
Assistant
[intervening] Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.
Mark
But... they're... children!
Assistant
Would you rather them do it unprotected?
Cartman
Yeah, you want us unprotected, asshole?!
Mark
I just think that all this sex ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!
Assistant
Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.
Stan
Well, I'm glad this lady's on our side.
Mark
I don't think we have any that'll even fit them!
Assistant
Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids. 'Lil Mini's. They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only five ninety five for a box of fifty.
Butters
Fifty?? Uh, can't we just use the same one every day?
Assistant
No, you have to change it.
Kyle
Oh, jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things.
Ms. Choksondik's house, night. Mr. Mackey has come by for a visit. Books sit on two tables and the floor
Mr. Mackey
Uh thanks so much for letting me come over, Ms. Choksondik.
Ms. Choksondik
Oh, it's no problem, Mr. Mackey. It's probably best we come up with a lesson plan together anyway.
Mr. Mackey
Yeah I've already gone over most of the basics, you know, uh with the boys, but I uh... eh just wanted to see what else you were teaching the girls, in case I... "missed" anything.
Ms. Choksondik
[reaches for a book and opens it] Well we should make sure our students are good and scared of the consequences. We have to teach them that diseases are possible even with just oral sex.
Mr. Mackey
Right! Oral sex, which of course would be...
Ms. Choksondik
[reading, then she looks at him] Using your mouth on the penis or vagina.
Mr. Mackey
Penis or vagina, right. Oral sex, m'kay.
Ms. Choksondik
It's just too bad these girls are having sex so young.
Mr. Mackey
Yeah, why d-uh, did you?
Ms. Choksondik
Did I what?
Mr. Mackey
Well uh, how long did you wait before you had... uh... doobers.
Ms. Choksondik
Well, if you must know, I'm still somewhat of a virgin. [thinks, then quickly adds] But I'm not ashamed of it! I wasn't sought after much in high school or college. [rises and moves off some distance] I was made fun of most of my life for having such large glasses. [looks down at her rims] The only boyfriend I ever had was this attractive popular boy named Steven Garrett. I liked him very much, but I... found out that he was dating me because he lost a bet on the Super Bowl. The loser had to go out with me for three days.
Mr. Mackey
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
Ms. Choksondik
People can be very cruel. Anyway, I know it's hard to understand.
Mr. Mackey
Ah actually I understand perfectly. I... I wasn't exactly the captain of the football team, either, huh huh, hehehuh, [softly] anyhow [normal] And then as I got older my... my head just sorta seemed to get bigger while the rest of my body stayed the same. That's how I got my nickname in college. [places the book on the side table]
Ms. Choksondik
Your nickname?
Mr. Mackey
"That guy with the really big head."
Ms. Choksondik
...Right.
Mr. Mackey
Anyway, I... I sort of lost any confidence and found it impossible to ever ask a woman out, mm, hm mm.
Ms. Choksondik
Wow, I've... never met a man who is... as sexually unappealing as me.
Mr. Mackey
Neither have I.
Ms. Choksondik
[pause] Well, I'm quite happy without sex. I mean, with all the diseases and problems out there, who needs it, right?
Mr. Mackey
Uh not me! [they both giggle.] Huhuh, okay.
Ms. Choksondik
Well, back to the lesson plan, then.
Mr. Mackey
Right. [gets the book again]
Ms. Choksondik
Okay. [they both open their books] "Oral Sex"
Bus stop, day. The boys are gathered there waiting...
Stan
Doesn't it give any other directions?
Butters
Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to roll it over your wiener. [takes a condom out and gives the bag it Kyle] "If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studzes"
Kyle
Uh, what are "studzes"
Butters
How the heck should I know? [removes the wrapper from the condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut. [squeezes it a little] Hoh- it's all gooey.
Cartman
Just put it on, Butters.
Butters
Ha-a how come I gotta go first?
Cartman
Butters, will you stop ff-fili-bustering?
Butters
Ma-a-a-a-a-a alright, man. [turns his back to the camera and drops his pants, then slips the condom on] O-o-o-o-h, it's sticky.
Kyle
It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
Butters
I don't even understand how this thing... ooh, wait. Oh, I see. [Cartman leans in for a better look]
Stan
Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo!
Cartman
I wasn't looking as his schlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on!
Kyle
Sure.
Butters
But it won't stay on. I- I need a rubber band or somethin'.
Tweek
Ah, I got rubber bands. [pulls a few out and walks over to Butters. Butters takes one]
Butters
[rubber band snaps in place] Ow! Huhuh, ow! Okay, eh. [snap] Ow! There. Okay, I think it's on.
Stan
How do you feel?
Butters
...Pretty good.
Cartman
Do you feel protected?
Butters
Yeah, there ain't nothin' that's gettin' in my wiener through this thing? A-and it's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can... pee in it.
Stan
Alright, here, everybody. [begins to move from his end to the other, visiting each of the boys] Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's gotta help Timmy put his condom on.
Timmy
Timmehah!
South Park Elementary, day. Principal Victoria has called the teachers together in her office. Chef is there as well.
Principal Victoria
Teachers, I have some bad news. Last night I received a phone call from the local pharmacist. Apparently, almost all of our fourth graders are sexually active. And now that we've scared them a little they're buying condoms to use.
Ms. Choksondik
I knew it! Well, at least we scared them enough to protect themselves. But now maybe you'll believe me when I say that we need to be teaching even younger than fourth grade.
Principal Victoria
But how old do you think a student should be when they learn about proper condom use?
Ms. Choksondik
...Kindergarten.
Chef
Kindergarten?!
Ms. Choksondik
We've got to get to the students before they start having... sex. Nu-not after.
Chef
Aw, now this is getting ridiculous!
Mr. Adler
I have to agree with Ms. Choksondik. It's our responsibility to make sure our kids are safe if they're gonna screw around.
Principal Victoria
I guess we have no choice.
Kindergarten, next day.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, who can tell me what a condom is? [puts a box of Gladiator condoms on the table. The kindergartners look at him, and finally a girl raises her hand] Yes, Jenny?
Jenny
It flies around and it's endangered.
Mr. Garrison
That's a con-dor, Jenny. Con-dor. [holds up the box] Con-doms are what we use to stop the spread of STDs. [Filmore raises his hand] Yes, Filmore?
Filmore
Can we do fingerpaint?
Mr. Garrison
NO, we can't do fingerpaint! You kids wanna get herpes?! Huh?! How about a nice bucket of AIDS?! Sound good?! Now pay attention, alright? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. [puts a phallus on the table] First of all you remove the condom from its package. [demonstrates] Then you find which way the condom rolls out. [demonstrates] Put it in your mouth... [puts it in his mouth] And apply. [proceeds to do so. The kids watch on astonished, and one of the boys finally cries. Mr. Garrison finishes and raises his head] And it's as simple as that. Any questions?
Ms. Choksondik's classroom, same time.
Ms. Choksondik
Alright girls. Yesterday we went over the myriad of diseases you can get from boys, but today we're going to talk about the most horrible they can give you of all. [writes on the board] PREGNANCY! [turns around] That's right, since you girls have decided to be sexually active, teen pregnancy is at an all-time high! You seem to think it's gonna be fun and neat to have a baby-well, let's watch a little video, shall we?! [goes towards the door and wheels back a TV cart with VCR, and turns on the TV.]
Narrator
["The Miracle of Child Birth"] Snacky S'mores presents: The Miracle of Child Birth. [shot of the girls watching] The time is drawing close for delivery. Here we can see the water breaking.
Girls
Eeeeww. [as the narrator speaks, the girls get more and more shocked]
Narrator
Later, the contractions are happening closer together. Mom sure is in a lot of pain. Now we can see the crown of the baby's head, stretching the vaginal walls in ways never before thought possible by Mom. Finally, the miracle happens, and the baby is born. [Screen shot of baby being handled by the doctor is shown] but Mom's not done yet.
Girl
Eeww.
Narrator
She still got some afterbirth to push out of her. [shot of afterbirth being pushed out]
Girls
AAAAAAAA!!!! [they get out of their seats and rush out of the room]
Narrator
That's right.
Ms. Choksondik
[follows the girl to the door] Girls! Girls! Where are you going?! [gets no answer, but she sees Mr. Mackey in front of her, in the hallway ending at her door, about to enter another door. She looks down and notices his butt, and just stands there...]
Mr. Mackey's class, later. Some of the boys, including Stan and Kyle, have their hands over their crotches.
Stan
Man, this condom's driving me crazy.
Kyle
Yeah. I've changed mine three times already 'cause it itches so much.
Cartman
Yeah, but it makes going to the bathroom easier. [takes a condom just filled with urine and tosses it at the trashcan. It hits the side and splatters the urine next to the can.]
Mr. Mackey
[enters with briefcase and books] Alright, boys, I now have all the information I need to teach you the female anatomy, hm'kay. [tosses the briefcase and books onto his desk and moves towards the light switch, grinning. He turns off the lights and starts the projector] M'kay, this part here is the vaginal opening. [a picture of the female reproductive system. He points to the opening. Cartman works on a new condom] This is where the man puts his- Eric, what the hell are you doing?
Cartman
I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up.
Mr. Mackey
Why are you wearing a condom?
Cartman
So I don't get AIDS.
Mr. Mackey
Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around, you have to get it from sex.
Stan
From sex??
Mr. Mackey
Yes.
Kyle
You mean, intercourse with a girl?
Mr. Mackey
Yes! Now will you all pay attention, please?! The vagina and the clitoris are on the outside, and they are in fact very easily visible to the naked eye.
Stan
All this time... It's the girls that give us diseases!
Cartman
I knew it! Girls lie! They lie right to your face!
Mr. Mackey
Now here we can see the interior female anatomy. Things like the uterus and the ovaries are on the inside
Kyle
Well that does it! If us boys are going to live, we have to get rid of the girls!
Stan
Yeah, come on guys, this is war! [leaves his seat and heads for the door. The other boys follow]
Boys
[among their statements] Yeah! That's right! Come on! [The last of the boys leaves, and Mr. Mackey doesn't notice. He begins to daydream. The generic female drawing turns into one of Ms. Choksondik, and he grins. He goes to the screen again, and moves his hand over the image]
Mr. Mackey
And here we see the tender, magical uterus. Here we see the enticing, voluptuous Fallopian tubes, m'kay.
Mr. Garrison's room, later
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, now I wanna review the different sexual positions. Who can tell me which sexual positions we talked about?
Filmore
[raises his hand] Miss'nary position?
Mr. Garrison
[turns around and writes the position] Missionary position, good. A little boring, but tried and true. What else?
Girl
Doggie?
Mr. Garrison
[turns around and writes the position] That's right. Doggie style we went over, mhm.
Boy
Pile driver?
Mr. Garrison
[turns around and writes the position] Uh huh, pile driver position. Good, Quaid.
Flora
The Filthy Sanchez?
Mr. Garrison
[turns around and writes the position] Yes, good Flora, you remembered the Filthy Sanchez.
Boy 2
Hot Karl?
Mr. Garrison
[turns around and writes the position] Yes,you can give your partner the ol' Hot Karl, sure.
A barren field near the school, day. An army of boys comes in from a distance in makeshift military vehicles. Butters is wearing a hockey mask. Clyde comes up and stops them.
Clyde
There, you see? The girls have built some kind of stronghold to keep us out. [the stronghold has a moat and reads: "Boys Keep Out"]
Wendy
[at the helm of a gun turret] Stay away from us, bastards! We don't wanna get pregnant!
Bebe
Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever!
Stan
Ha! They're your diseases!
Kyle
Yeah! You get out of town!
Cartman
Here, talk to them, Butters.
Butters
[lifts up his mask] Uh, me?? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say?
Cartman
Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence.
Butters
[lowers his mask and speaks into the mike. A deep raspy voice comes out] Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.
Kyle
[to Stan] Man, he's pretty good.
Bebe
We'll never walk away. Never! [tosses a boomerang towards the boys. Clyde ducks as the boomerang comes towards him, and Kenny is struck dead]
Kenny
(Waa-ooo!) [falls back and expires]
Cartman
Oh, bitch!
Stan
That does it! Attack! [the boys rush the stronghold]
Ms. Choksondik's house, at that moment. They have books open
Mr. Mackey
M'kay, so apparently the lesson plan tomorrow is s'posed to involve the secretion of bodily fluids, m'kay.
Ms. Choksondik
I've already gone through that with the girls. [closes her book and sets it down] It's pretty simple. Do you wanna drink?
Mr. Mackey
Why, sure. [she goes to get drinks] Hey uh I think I can... get through that stuff pretty quick, mm... [he gets a good look at her derriere] Uh, maybe we should come up with another lesson plan.
Ms. Choksondik
[hands Mr. Mackey his drink] Something about how nerve endings play an important part in intercourse. [sits down]
Mr. Mackey
Uh, right, right, uh, like in the ...nipples.
Ms. Choksondik
Or the... shaft... of the penis? [they look away from each other]
Mr. Mackey
It... says here that the uh, head of the penis is actually the... most sensitive... part, m'kay.
Ms. Choksondik
Why, yes. The nerve endings are the most concentrated at- the- tip of the penis. Like they are in the... [looks at him. They draw close to each other] clitoris of the woman.
Mr. Mackey
And these... are the two areas most important to-
Ms. Choksondik
Sexual stimulation. [they kiss quick, then kiss full and long. Some love music comes up. She pulls back] Oh, is this wrong?
Mr. Mackey
I don't know. It doesn't feel wrong. [they kiss full again] I've been thinking about you a lot, Ms. Choksondik.
Ms. Choksondik
Yeah? What do you do when you think about me?
Mr. Mackey
I go crazy.
Ms. Choksondik
Do you touch yourself?
Mr. Mackey
Yeah. Hmm. [they embrace. She takes off his tie. He stands, walks some distance, and takes off his shirt. She stands, takes off her top, and tosses it away. She approaches him and removes his belt. He takes off his pants. She looks at him again and goes down to remove his briefs. She tosses them aside. He bends down to remove her underwear and tosses them aside. She coaxes him down, and he follows]
Ms. Choksondik
[writhing] Haawww. Haawww.
Mr. Mackey
G'oh, m'kay.
Ms. Choksondik
Oh my God. Oh God, yeah! Stop! Stop!
Mr. Mackey
Huh, what's wrong?
Ms. Choksondik
It's your turn. [goes down to work on him]
Mr. Mackey
Mm, oh, oh Ms. Choksondik. Okay! Okay!
Ms. Choksondik
[gets up] Do you want me?
Mr. Mackey
I do.
Ms. Choksondik
Tell me.
Mr. Mackey
I want you. M'kay. [they go down, then moments later quickly get up]
Ms. Choksondik
Wait wait wait! Do you have a condom?
Mr. Mackey
Well. No.
Ms. Choksondik
[looks into his eyes and then] Oh well, fuck it [they go down, and the consummation begins] Oh God, give it to me! [his ass rises for the first time]
Mr. Mackey
Oh yeah. Woh. [his ass appears again]
Ms. Choksondik
Woh. [his ass appears again] Ooh, that's it baby! That's it!
Mr. Mackey
[his ass appears again] Aw, this feels so good, m'kay. [his ass appears again]
The empty field. later. The battle is joined. Kids run around seeking positions from which to shoot. Seven boys come up to the stronghold gate. A girl fires a Gatling gun at them from the left side, and they scatter, dropping their weapons
Boys
WAAAAHHH!! [two boys prepare a Molotov cocktail, and one of them tosses it at the tires on the right side of the gate entrance. The tires go up in flames. The boys run away, and a huge flash explosion rises inside the stronghold]
Girls
Waaaahh!! [they bail out immediately, and a much larger explosion rises, tossing kids away left and right]
The Marsh house. Randy and Sharon are reading papers when the house moves about as if an earthquake had just rolled by. Sharon drops her paper
Sharon
What the hell was that?
Ms. Choksondik's house. Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik rise from their activity and look out the window
Ms. Choksondik
Did you feel something?
Chef's house. The front door opens and he walks out. He's shocked at what he sees.
Chef
Oh, no!
South Park Elementary. The four remaining staff members, Principal Victoria, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Adler, and Ms. Chosie, walk out and see the wreckage. Principal Victoria puts her hand over her mouth in dumbfounded shock
Mr. Garrison
Jesus Christ. [a shot of the burning wreckage, then of Butters, Cartman, Stan, and Kyle looking at the wreckage]
Cartman
Ooo, Butters? You're in big trouble now.
The empty field. later. All the parents have come by to make sure their kids are okay. The wreckage still burns
Sharon
Well, I don't know what got into you kids. You should be ashamed of yourselves. [in the background paramedics pick up injured kids and put them in ambulances]
Stan
We just didn't want the girls giving us diseases.
Ms. Choksondik
I'm afraid this is all my fault. I... think I went a little overboard scaring the girls. I forgot to tell them that to get diseases from boys you... have to have sex with them first.
Kids
Oooohhh.
Chef
Well, I hate to say it, but you all got what you deserved.
Parents
Huh?
Chef
Look: Schools are teaching condom use to younger and younger students each day! But sex isn't something that should be taught in textbooks and diagrams. Sex is emotional and spiritual. It needs to be taught by family. I know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, [a shot of Mr. Mackey] someone who has a bad opinion of it, [a shot of Ms. Choksondik looking around] or even a complete pervert. [a shot of Mr. Garrison]
Mr. Garrison
Wha? Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that s'posed to mean?
Ms. Choksondik
He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently.
Sharon
This whole mess started because we couldn't talk to our boy ourselves.
Sheila
It's easier to just leave it up to the school, but it's...just not a school subject.
Principal Victoria
Then it's decided: no more condom classes in grade school.
Kids
Hooray!
Stan
But Chef, when is the right age for us to start having sex?
Chef
It's very simple, children. The right time to start having sex is... 17.
Kyle
Seventeen? [Sheila and Gerald approach]
Chef
Seventeen.
Sheila
So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?
Chef
Nope, just 17.
Gerald
But, what if you're not ready at 17?
Chef
Seventeen! You're ready. [Stan walks up to Wendy]
Stan
Well, I guess we got a while to wait before we have to worry about sex and diseases, huh, Wendy?
Wendy
Yeah. Thank God.
Cartman
Well, I guess now that that's out of the way, we can get on with our lives. Come here, boy! [a dog enters the scene, and the camera begins to zoom out. Everyone is smiling and looking on as Cartman pleases the dog] That's it. Red rocket, red rocket. Come on, now. Come on, red rocket, dog. Red rocket now.
End of Proper Condom Use, but Mr. Garrison has a few more things to say
Mr. Garrison
Okay children, so what other sexual positions have we talked about? Yeah, the wrap-around butt grab. Sure, can't forget that. Uh huh, reverse cowgirl. Good, Kevin. Hot Lunch, sure, she likes that. Donkey Punch, uh huh. Glass-bottom boat. Good one, yes. Fish-eye. Good, Jenny. Chili dog. Mm-hm.
End of Proper Condom Use


  507: "Proper Condom Use" edit
Story Elements

Mr. MackeyMs. ChoksondikGladiator Lil' Minis Children's Condoms

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Fifth Season