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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Tweek Tweak
  • DogPoo
  • Towelie
  • Ride Operator
  • Dougie
  • Timmy Burch
  • Craig Tucker
  • Pip
  • Token Black
  • Baseball announcer
  • Vendor
  • Baseball fans
  • Townsfolk
  • Bennigan's Chef
  • Diane Choksondik
  • Stephen and Linda Stotch
  • Water Department Workers

Script

[Cartman's room, day. Cartman and Kyle stand inside watching Stan, who is peeking out the door, waiting for someone]
Stan: [turns to the boys] Okay, here he comes. [join Cartman and Kyle]
Kyle: Who wants to tell him?
Cartman: I'll do it.
Butters: [joining the three] Hehey, fellas. I'm glad you called me. There was a pie-eating contest down at the firehouse, and I thought we should all go.
Cartman: Butters, could you take a seat, please?
Butters: Wuh well, sure. [They all go before Cartman's desk. Cartman takes a seat behind the desk. Stan helps Butters to his seat, then takes a place at Cartman's right side Kyle is on Cartman's left.]
Cartman: Butters, we have to have a very difficult conversation.
Butters: Wull what is it?
Cartman: Well, in the, in the months since our friend Kenny died, you've really stepped up as a friend and "filled the gap." [wiggles the index and middle fingers of each hand as a quote gesture]
Butters: Well uh, it's my pleasure! I love bein' you guys' new friend.
Cartman: Yes. Well, Butters, it's just not working out.
Butters: Not working out?
Cartman: I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go, as our friend. You're just tooo...
Kyle: Lame
Cartman: Lame, yes.
Butters: Well, but ah I can get better.
Stan: Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you for friendship opportunities elsewhere.
Kyle: But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work and attempts at being our friend, lame as they were.
Butters: Huh but ah I thought we were gettin' along... great. Heh ah I thought we were really havin' fun together.
Cartman: Yes, well, we weren't.
Butters: Please, fellas, uh don't fire me.
Kyle: We're sorry, Butters. [Cartman leaves his chair and approaches Butters] Our mind is made up.
Cartman: [shakes Butters' left hand] But we certainly wanna thank you for coming by. [points to the door] You know the way out, right? [Butters look at the other two boys, who each returns a somber look. He gets off the chair, looks once more, then walks away dejectedly]
Kyle: Phew.
Stan, Cartman: Phew.
Kyle: Hm, I think he took that pretty well, I think.
Cartman: Who cares?
Stan: All right, so let's get started on who's gonna be the new person to take Kenny's place.
[Butters' house, night. A thunderstorm hovers over the neighborhood. Inside Butters' room a hamster set is seen, and beyond, Butters standing on his bed, looking out his window. He has an angry expression on his face]
Butters: [angrily] The world isn't fair. I do everything people ask me to. I stand in the lunch line for them, I buy tampons at the store for them, I go on Maury Povich with balls on my chin for them. [turns around and sits on his bed, wistfully] And yet, nobody accepts me. I am an outcast. A shadow of a man who can find no companion... ship. No love from others. [the shadow on the wall turns into that of an old humpbacked man] Fine! [hops off the bed determined to do something about it] If I am to be an outcast, so be it! [walks towards the camera] I'm through doin' what others tell me to do, and I am sick of this world and the stin-, and the stinky people in it! [moves to his left] From now on I will dedicate my life to bringing chaos to the world that has rejected me! [an image of a nuclear blast going off as people run from it] I will become the greatest supervillain [people run as danger comes from the sky] the world has ever seen! [a tsunami takes over a harbor town as a woman and baby flee it] Where I go, destruction will follow! [exults at his new destiny, raising arms and face towards heaven as lightning strikes. A shot of the exterior with more lightning]
[Butters goes about making a suit for himself. He begins with a sheet of aluminum foil and shapes it around a styrofoam head to make a helmet. He pulls out a shirt from the closet and makes it a cape using a sewing machine. Pretty soon, he's finished - he's dressed as something of a knight]
Butters: Prepare, O little town! Uh prepare for the greatest supervillain you've ever seen! Professor Chaos! [grins devilishly]
Linda: [knocking on Butters' door] Butters, time for bed.
Butters: Hu-uh, okay Mom. [waits a few moments, then gets that devilish look again.] Yes. Uh sleet sleep for now. [turns and faces the camera out side once more] Tomorrow, the chaos begins. [begins to laugh softly, then harder, than more maniacally, then in full maniacal laughter]
[South Park, morning. A small stage is shown in Cartman's backyard, with a camera off to the side. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman walk up on stage and look out over the backyard]
Cartman: [takes the mic] All right, we wanna thank everybody for coming. This is a great turnout. [camera pans across the seated kids, then back to Cartman] Uh, as you know, our friend Kenny died a few months ago and we are still looking to fill the void with a new friend. Now, you've all been selected as possible candidates, but unfortunately, there is only room for one of you. So Stan and Kyle and I will be spending the next few days going out with each one of you and narrowing our choices down. Until we think we've found the perfect friend. Are there any questions?
Clyde: [after a moment of silence] ...What if we don't want to be your friend?
Cartman: Clyde... [mouths something]... okay. Now, the first thing we have to do is cut the list down from twenty choices to ten. And so today we will all be going to the amusement park together to see who we want to cut. Please keep in mind that this will all be videotaped, so put on your best friend faces, and may the best friend win. Oh, and we will be needing a ten dollar per person entrance fee.
[South Park, later. The camera looks at the end of Main Street, and Butters comes over a bump on the street. He heads towards the camera right in the middle of the street as the adults around him talk or window-shop. He walks on, and a Bennigan's appears to his left. He turns to look at it, then runs through the front doors. He stops just inside. The diners go about eating and chatting. A waitress serves a table]
Bennigan's Chef: Order twenty-three is up, and uh, order twenty-four is up. [presses down on a bell twice.]
[Butters sees the dishes and walks up to them. He stares at them for a few seconds, then switches them, grinning evilly. He then drops down quickly as a waitress comes for the dishes. She delivers them to the two diners who ordered them]
Man 1: Uh, waitress, a-a-actually, I ordered the chicken soup. This is minnestrone.
Man 2: Yeah, I had the minnestrone over here. [Butters laughs at his own cleverness. The diners look at him]
Butters: I am Professor Chaos, and now, this puny world uh will bow down to me! [cackles once again and runs out of the restaurant. The diners resume their eating after a few seconds.]
[Montage 1 - A Day At The Amusement Park.]
Stan: [voice over a scene of all the kids walking down Main Street at the amusement park] So today we went to the amusement park with all our possible friends. [cut to Stan seated on a green sofa under a spotlight] It was a really fun time. We rode all the rides and everyone got along great.
Cartman: [on a blue sofa] I think the person that stood out most at the amusement park was Jimmy. [cut to Jimmy entertaining Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Dougie, Clyde, and Craig]
Jimmy: [cut to Jimmy on a dark green sofa] Well, the, the reason I think I would make the perfect foreh- friend, is that I love telling jokes. You know, who doesn't like to laugh?
Kyle: [seated on a cyan sofa] Tweek. Now there's an interesting choice. Tweek has a lot of qualities that I look for in a friend.
Tweek: [sipping coffee, shaking violently] What if they don't pick me? What if they get us all, man! I mean, Christ! If they can get to the Pentagon, then they can get to us all, man! Aaaa!
DogPoo: [a shot of the kids on the mine track ride, DogPoo in front with Cartman. Cut to the dirty boy who resembles Pigpen seated on a red sofa] I think I deserve to take Kenny's place the most, because, I've been hanging around these guys for like five years and I never get to say or do anything.
Cartman: ...Yeah, I've only seen that kid in class, but he never does anything. He's more like a prop. [takes a sip of ZOOP soda]
Kyle: [a shot of Kyle, Cartman, Tweek, and Towelie in a spinning teacup] Towelie is a tough choice because, [cut to Kyle talking] even though I can see how always having a towel around can come in handy, he's just always so high.
Towelie: [17 in towel years] Man, I really hope I win, because... wait... why is this again? I have no idea what's goin' on.
Cartman: We decided to get some one-on-one time with Jimmy and ride the log ride. [cut to the log ride] The great thing was that, because Jimmy's crippled, we got to go to the front of the line. [the boys are escorted to the first car, cut back to Cartman] That was definitely big points for Jimmy, you know, but, but then we got to the ride itself, and...
Jimmy: [back at the ride. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman climb into the log] Hey, I-I'm gonna need some help getting in the log, fellas.
Ride Operator: O! Shut her down. Someone needs assistance.
Cartman: [the boys look at Jimmy] Oh, really? [turns to his note pad] That's gonna cost some points. [writes down some numbers as Jimmy is helped into the log.]
Kyle: [on the sofa] But right now I'd say if we're gonna have a retard for a friend, I, I have to pick Timmy. Because Timmy doesn't tell any jokes.
Jimmy: [cut to log ride. The boys are about to slide down the track] Boy, isn't this great fellas? Are we great pals or what?
Stan: [voice over a scene of all the kids walking down Main Street at the amusement park] One thing for sure: picking our new friend isn't gonna be easy.
[South Park, day. Butters is still dressed as Professor Chaos, still walking down the street. A dog walks across the street and Butters stops next to it.]
Butters: Kneel. Kneel before Professor Chaos! [the dog slowly kneels and Butters walks off cackling at his success]
[Butters' house, later. He makes it to his room and locks the door. He cackles again]
Butters: Ah, the look on their faces when they got the wrong soup. I love bringing chaos! [walks up to his dresser drawer and messes up some shirts in there, then closes the drawer and laughs] And that's only the beginning! [laughs evilly]
[Cartman's backyard, day. All the kids are seated as they were yesterday. A box of roses sites on stage.]
Cartman: All right, everyone. It was a tough decision, but based on our time with you all at the amusement park, we have whittled our choices down to ten. [Kyle goes off to get the box of roses] If you receive a rose, please stay. If you don't, get the fudge out. [Kyle returns with the roses and sets them down] Kyle, will you announce the people we want to stay?
Kyle: [holds up a rose for every kid he calls] Token. [Token approaches, gets his rose and goes back to his seat] Clyde. [Clyde goes for his rose] Craig [Craig goes for his rose] Timmy
Timmy: Timmih! [goes for his rose]
Tweek: Oh man! This is too much pressure!
Kyle: Pip [Pip smiles and goes for his rose] Jimmy [Jimmy goes for his rose] Jason [a new boy with high forehead, goes for his rose] Towelie [Towelie goes for his rose] Luigi [Luigi goes for his rose].
Cartman: Just one more rose left, Kyle. Who does it go to?
Kyle: Tweek.
Tweek: Aaarr! [goes for his rose]
Cartman: All right, the rest of you, thanks for coming. Get the fudge out! [the others moan and leave their seats]
DogPoo: [incredulous] I didn't make the cut?? Oh God, I didn't make the cut??
Dougie: I didn't even get a chance to have them get to know me!
Stan: All right, congratulations to those of you selected to stay. In the end, one of you will be the new Kenny. [the camera pans over the remaining candidates] Good luck.
[South Park, morning. Butters' house, kitchen. Linda is preparing some breakfast and Butters comes in confidently]
Linda: Good morning, Butters.
Butters: [takes a a seat at the table] It certainly is, Mother. Did ya hear about what's been goin' on? Some horrible new supervillain made somebody get the wrong soup order ot Bennigan's.
Linda: No, [Butters blanches] I didn't hear about that.
Butters: Yeh, you didn't? [leaves his seat and walks to the living room]
[Butters' house, living room. Butters walks up to Chris, who is on the sofa reading the newspaper]
Butters: Uh Dad, can I uh can I see the newspaper real quick?
Chris: [lowers the newspaper] Why sure, Butters. I was just about to get some breakfast. [hands the paper to Butters, who sets it down on the floor and looks for headlines. The front page doesn't offer any he's looking for, so he turns the page.]
Butters: [getting mad] Nothing. [turns the next page] Nothing! [closes the paper and stands up] It's the liberal media! They're keeping the stories of my deeds covered up, so as not to cause a panic. Well, I guess it's time to take it up a notch! [makes two fists signaling his stepped-up efforts]
[The bus stop, later. Stan, Kyle and Cartman stand with Craig. Scene music plays]
Stan: Okay, next? [signals for Craig to leave. Craig walks away and Token comes in to take his place. Scene music plays. A few moments for the boys to get a feel for Token]
Kyle: This looks pretty good.
Stan: Yeah, it's not bad. Next? [Signals for Token to leave. Token walks away and Timmy rides in to take his place. Scene music plays.]
Timmy: Timmay!
Cartman: Next?
[South Park Elementary, day. Most of the class is present. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand at the front of the class. On the chalkboard is the times table for 4]
Cartman: Okay, so now we're gonna see how you all work as a friend during classtime. Your performances will be judged primarily on how you help us cheat and give us answers. So good luck, everybody.
Ms. Choksondik: [entering] Sit down, boys.
Cartman: Alrighty then. [the boys take their seats]
Ms. Choksondik: All right, children, before we get started, has anybody seen the eraser for the chalkboard? [a shot of the class, then of Butters. A sneer comes to his face as he laughs to himself. The room darkens around him and a shadow appears on the lower part of his face] It probably got knocked on the floor somewhere. Can you all just please look around your desks for it? [the kids drop from their seats and look around. The sneer is back on Butters' face and the shadow returns]
Butters: [thinking] Yes. Look around for your precious eraser. You won't find it. That eraser's in my back yard, buried three feet below the surface of the earth. [a shot of Butters using a shovel to bury the eraser] And do you even suspect me?? No! Now we shall all see how you all like your dear chalkboard without an eraser. [Butters' desk moves around so the camera can see the kids looking for the eraser] And information, it just keeps pilin' up and pilin' up, until your minuscule brains can take it no longer! [the times table floats behind Butters and gets all jumbled up as he speaks, finally ending in a kid whose brains blow out of his head]
Ms. Choksondik: No? Oh, oh well. Never mind. I've got a backup one in the desk. [opens a drawer, takes out an eraser and erases the times table on the board] Okay, today children, we're gonna learn about multiplying times five.
Butters: [thwarted, begins to think again. The people around him take on their picture-negative counterparts] So! You all think that you can outsmart Professor Chaos, do you?!
Ms. Choksondik: Now, whenever we multiply a number times five, the result is going to end in a zero or a five.
Butters: Ms. Choksondik,
Ms. Choksondik: [turns around] What is it, Butters?
Butters: Ah, I need to go to the bathroom. R-really bad.
Ms. Choksondik: Oh alright Butters. Take the bathroom pass and go. [Butters gets off his seat and heads for the door. He takes the pass from the pegboard] Okay, so for instance, children-
Butters: [opens the door, then looks back] Alright. I'm goin' to the bathroom now. If anybody needs me, ah that's where I'll be.
Ms. Choksondik: Just go, Butters. [Butters smiles and leaves] Okay, so for instance, five times one is... what, Eric?
Cartman: Uh, what's the question again?
Ms. Choksondik: [holds out the five fingers on her right hand] Five... times... [holds out the index finger on her left hand] one.
Cartman: Five times one is of course...
The Class: [minus Cartman, Stan, and Kyle] Five.
Cartman: Five. [the door opens and Professor Chaos appears]
Butters: [enters cackling] The time for fun and games is over, feeble-minded fools! [approaches Ms. Choksondik]
Ms. Choksondik: Who are you?
Butters: I am Professor Chaos! Bringer of destruction and maker of doom! Those who do not know me yet shall know me very soon, for the hour of Chaos ih-is at hand! [turns, takes the other eraser, and walks out cackling, closing the door. The class just looks at the door]
Ms. Choksondik: Hey! That kid took my last eraser! [heads for the door] Come back here, kid! [as she reaches the door, it opens and Butters enters]
Butters: Oh! Ah, I'm back from the bathroom. Ah I really let one go in there.
Ms. Choksondik: Butters, did you see another little kid run out of here?
Butters: Why yes, I did. But he pushed me down and I scraped my elbow. [raises his right elbow] Go on and look at it. It's scraped. Look. [as Ms. Choksondik looks at the elbow, the shadow and sneer return to Butters' face. He begins to think] Yeesss. Go on and see the red mark on my elbow, the red mark I made myself to throw you off Professor Chaos's trail.
Ms. Choksondik: It looks fine, Butters. [rises and addresses the class] Okay, hold on and stay here, children. [leaves the classroom. Butters sneers again]
[South Park Elementary, later. Recess. The kids are at play. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Craig are standing together]
Kyle: You're such a fatass, Cartman!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! Well, you're a stupid Jew!
Stan: Shut up, fatass! [silence. They look at Craig and the anger fades from their faces as they wait for him to respond]
Craig: Oh, aaaah, well you guys are dumb.
Cartman: [escorts Craig away] Okay, Craig, interesting choice. Powerful stuff there, Craig. Thank you very much. [Craig leaves]
[Butters' house, night. Butters is at his desk working with his hamster set.]
Butters: It is almost ...complete. The creation of my minions who will assist me in bringing terror to the world. [puts glue on some aluminum, puts the aluminum on a hamster] There we go. [the hamsters will be armored, as he is. He places the hamster back in the cage] Ye-ess, my minions of, of chaos. [the hamsters begin to make noise] Shhh. Night now, night now my lovelies. Your time to bring dest-struction will come very soon. [the door opens and Butters quickly throws a blanket over his hamster cage] Aaahhh!
Linda: [Linda walks in and towards his desk] Butters, a note for you was left on the front door.
Butters: A note?
Linda: Here you go. [gives it to him and walks out] And wash your hands after you touch those hamster - you'll get AIDS [exits and closes the door]
Butters: Okay, Mom. [takes a look at the envelope, spins around in his chair, and opens the envelope. He reads the letter within: "I know who you are. The South Park Docks. 7:30. Tonight"] So. Someone has discovered my horrible secret. This could be a trap set by the FBI. Oh, I'll be at the docks, precious FBI! But it is I who'll have the trap set for you! Come, my minions! [pulls off the blanket] We haven't much time!
[Cartman's backyard, night. Stan, Kyle and Cartman are on stage for the next round of elimination]
Cartman: All right, everyone, the time has come for us to narrow the list down from ten to six. But first, let us just say that the people who we didn't pick were only not picked because they totally sucked balls. Kyle?
Pip: They're not going to pick me. I just know they're not.
Tweek: O-oh Jesus! Aaah I can't take it!
Kyle: [as before, holds up a rose for every name] Token.
Token: All right! [goes for his rose]
Kyle: Timmy.
Timmy: Timmay! [goes for his rose]
Kyle: Tweek. [Tweek goes for his rose] Pip
Pip: Really? I don't believe it. [goes for his rose]
Kyle: Towelie.
Towelie: What?
Cartman: Just one more rose, Kyle.
Kyle: Jimmy.
Jimmy: Oh boy! Oh thank God! [goes for his rose]
Cartman: All right, those with roses will move on to the swimsuit and talent competition. The rest of you, get the fudge out! [Craig, Clyde, Jason, and Luigi leave]
Clyde: [turns and looks at Cartman] This whole thing is stupid! You don't pick people you wanna be with by making it into a game!
Cartman: Ooooooo, somebody's a sore loser! Clyde, I believe I said, "get the fudge out!" Which means, kiss mah fudgin' ass, go fudge yourself, fudge ya, get the fudge out, Clyde!
[South Park docks, night. Under a red moon, Butters sneaks along the docks, making sure no one sees him. He creeps from box to box and peeks out from behind one. Another face peeks out from behind a box at the other end of the docks. This face is younger, with glasses]
Dougie: [steps out] Hey Butters.
Butters: [drops his guard and steps out] Oh, hey Dougie. [gets into character] Oh I mean, my name is Professor Chaos.
Dougie: I saw you change in the school bathroom. You stole that eraser in your class.
Butters: Very well. You called out Professor Chaos, and you also called out, eh your own demise! [pulls out two hamsters from his pockets and sets them down] Go now, my minions. Go and take this, this foolish mortal down! [the hamsters head back towards shore] Aw minions, naw, not that way. He- [turns to see them leave] come back minions.
Dougie: I'm, not trying to call you out, Professor Chaos. I want to join you.
Butters: Join me?
Dougie: Yeah I want to join you in your conquest of destruction.
Butters: But why?
Dougie: [approaching] I'm an outcast, too. A frail child cast aside by society. I want to follow you and... whatever you're doing.
Butters: Uh very well. You shall be my accomplice in evil. Together, we shall bring the world to its knees! A-and make all those who banished us from society run... red.
Dougie: Do I get a neato costume made out of aluminum foil, too?
Butters: Well sure you do. Ah I am professor, and you shall be my general. From now on you are General... Disarray.
Dougie: General Disarray.
Butters: Now let us go look for my minions! [softly] They ran away here, now to find 'em... [the new villainous duo search the docks for the hamsters]
[Montage 2 - The Swimsuit And Talent Competition. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit on the chairs in the audience. The six remaining candidates are on stage.]
Cartman: [a shot of him on a sofa] The swimsuit competition really gave us a fresh look at some of the candidates. [a shot of the three boys making comments during judging. Cartman takes notes]
Jimmy: [on a sofa] Well, I don't think I did too well in the... bathing suit competition. But I can't wait for the talent show competition. That'll really my chance to... shine. [cut to Cartman's house den for the competition. Jimmy's doing his comedy routine] Wow, what a terrific audience. So anyway, a guy walks into a buh- ...A guy walks into a b- ...buh... [a shot of the three boys getting bored] A guy walks into a guy walks into a [goes into a sing-song mode] babuh ba-a-a, uh- [next, Towelie playing an electric guitar - "Stairway To Heaven" - but messes up]
Towelie: Okay wait... [starts over, but messes up. The boys are bored again] No, no wait. [tries again]
Cartman: Next please.
Token: [takes the mic] Well, what am I supposed to do?
Kyle: Anything that'll impress us, Token.
Cartman: If you were our friend, how would you keep us entertained?
Token: Aaaah. Oh, I know. [takes his shirt and ties it into a knot between his breasts, then begins to shake his butt, giving the impression of a hula girl]
Cartman: Very nice. [takes notes]
Stan: I like it. [takes notes]
Kyle: [back to recap] Well Token was a definite winner for talent show. But then we decided to take everyone to a baseball game, to see how we got along there.
[Coors Field in Denver. The game is underway. A shot of the field.]
Announcer: There goes a hit to left field, and Foley's going to score.
[the bleachers. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Pip sit and watch the game]
All: Woohoo!
Kyle: Yeah! Isn't this great?!
Vendor: [making his way down the steps] Kids, get your drinks here.
Pip: Eho! Yes. Can I have some tea, please?
Cartman: You don't drink tea in a ballpark, you French piece of crap!
Pip: Oh, very well. Just some crumpets, then.
Cartman: All right, that does it! Pip, get the fudge out! Next! [Pip leaves his seat and Token comes in]
Stan: Okay, let's try this. [a shot of the field. The Jumbotron at center field loses focus and glimpses of Professor Chaos are seen]
Cartman: Hey, what's wrong with the Jumbotron?
Butters: People of Earth! Your meaningless lives are about to end! I am Professor Chaos, [Dougie comes into view] and this is my partner ih-in evil, General Disarray! In the past few days I have rained terror down upon the society that shunned me! And now it is time for my Labor of Lonely! I am going to... flood... the world!
Man 3: Flood the world?
Man 4: My God!
Woman: [grabs onto someone] I don't wanna die, [screams] I DON'T WANNA DIE!
Butters: Oh yes. Every living creature and every sacred building will soon be under leagues and leagues of cold and dark water. And there is nothing you can do to stop me! General Disarray, begin the flooding of Earth! [Dougie goes to the faucet by the porch and turns it on, then brings the hose to Butters. Butters addresses the world] You brought this upon yourselves! You made the outcasts of the world! Now watch! Watch as your precious planet drowns! Watch! [points at the pool of water now forming on the ground. The crowd watches in silence]
Man 5: Jesus Christ, who will save us?
Man 6: We have very little time to live. How, how shall we spend our last hours on earth? [the crowd stops and reflects...]
Fans: Yeah! All right! [everyone takes off their clothes and celebrates in their underwear]
[Butters' house, day. Butters and Dougie are in the back yard watching their puddle grow and grow]
Butters: Our reign of terror is complete! Our tur- turmoil has now come full circle! [the two of them watch the hose yield its water, seemingly slowly] Hey, is the hose on full, General Disarray? [Dougie goes to look, then returns]
Dougie: It's on all the way.
Butters: Oh. Alright then. Nothing to do now but watch the world die! [cackles and dances around, then resumes watching the puddle grow. Day fades to night] Boy, this sure is takin' a long time.
[Stan's house, dining room. The three boys sit at the table with pictures of the six candidates. They discuss their findings.]
Stan: Okay, so how do we all feel about Towelie as our new friend? [holds up Towelie's picture]
Cartman: I think Towelie is awesome.
Kyle: Towelie is cool, but he gets stoned all the time. You can't really rely on him for anything.
Stan: [weary] Oh, this is giving me a headache.
Kyle: Eh now, [pounds the table with his fist] come on, you guys, we can't take this decision lightly. Whoever we pick is going to be the person we do everything with from now on.
Stan: [acquiescing] You're right. Well now, how about Timmy? [holds up Timmy's picture] He's quiet and he takes direction well.
Cartman: Yeah, but Timmy can be really self-centered.
Stan: How about Token? [holds up Token's picture]
Cartman: Token's a smartass.
Kyle: So? You're a smartass!
Cartman: Yeah. Do we really need another one?
Kyle: Good point. [Stan sets the picture down. A door opens]
Jimmy: [approaches the table] Hey fellas. I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I'd stop by to s-gif- gift basket.
Cartman: [disgusted] Oh, thanks Jimmy
Jimmy: There's some chocolates and lih-liquorice, and some games and peh- pencils inside.
Stan: That's great.
Kyle: Cool.
Jimmy: Yeah well, I guess I'll be seeing you, you friends later. [leaves]
Cartman: Alright Jimmy, see ya. [the door closes]
Stan: Suckup.
[Butters' house, next day, backyard. The pool has covered much of the yard. General Disarray jumps in the water as Professor Chaos looks on passively on the porch]
Butters: Not long now, General Disarray, and... our horrible plan will be complete.
Dougie: Hey, do you think maybe we should build a boat? You know, like a little raft or something, so that when the world floods you and me and the minions can live?
Butters: Oh yeah. I hadn't thought o' that. That's a pretty good idea. I'll go get a hammer. [the sound of vehicles screeching to a stop outside the yard] Hey, who is that? [on the street, two Water Department vans come to a stop. Four men, two from each van, step out and get their tools. They enter the yard and approach the hose]
Worker 1: Is this it?
Worker 2: Yeah, two thirteen, that's the one. [Worker 1 proceeds to close the faucet]
Butters: Heeyyy, what are you doin'? [Worker 1 finishes and the workers leave, climb into their vans, and drive off. Professor Chaos and General Disarray look on in sad disbelief. Suddenly, Butters flares up] Aaaah! You may have won this time! But I will be back!
Dougie: What do we do now?
Butters: [softly, pensive] Well I had another idea of how to kill the world, but I thought it was... almost too horrible to e- to even speak of, but- [with anger growing] but now they have left me with no other choice!
[Cartman's backyard, day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are on stage while the candidates sit in the audience. Pip is missing]
Cartman: Well, this is it. We have made our final decision and one of you is who we will be spending our childhood with, as our new friend. [the camera pans across the audience, showing the candidates close-up]
Jimmy: Oh puh please. Oh, Oh God... please. [Timmy just grins. Kyle draws the last rose from the box.]
Cartman: Four friends, just one rose. The moment of truth is here. Kyle? Who does the rose go to? [another shot of the candidates]
[A hilltop, later. Butters reaches the top of a hill carrying a box, with a red sky above him. He sets the box down]
Butters: This is, General Disarray. My final solution. [cut to a view of the town from said hill. ]
Dougie: [catches up] What evil plot do you have this time, Professor Chaos?
Butters: Simple, my dear general. We are going to tear down the Earth's precious atmosphere! Oh yes! My latest plan will melt the polar ice caps, a-and burn all the world with the, with the... hu- sun's harmful rays! [reaches into the box and withdraws a spray can] Say goodbye to your... precious ozone and hello to chaos! [begins spraying away. The can empties without discernible effect, and Butters tosses it down] Okay, hand me another one, General Disarray. [Dougie reaches in the box and takes out three cans. He gives one to Butters and keeps the other two. Butters quickly opens the can and sprays away, cackling all the while. Dougie opens his two cans and begins spraying as well, cackling along with Butters. The camera begins to zoom out]
Announcer: Will Professor Chaos's latest plot succeed and be the final undoing of Earth? [a shot of Stan, Cartman, Kyle, and the fourth boy under a blanket, all in Stan's living room] And which boy has been chosen to be the replacement for Kenny? [six adults are then shown: Chef, Mr. Garrison, Jimbo, Officer Barbrady, Ms. Choksondik, and Mayor McDaniels] And which of these six South Park residents was killed, and will never be seen again? [a question mark appears on screen] The answer to those questions will be answered... right now. [A final shot of Butters and Dougie with ten spent cans and three in use] No. [Stan's living room: the blanket comes off the fourth boy] Tweek. [on the street, in front of a house: Ms. Choksondik is on a gurney as paramedics cover her body with a blanket] Ms. Choksondik.
[End of Professor Chaos.]



  606: "Professor Chaos" edit
Story Elements

Butters StotchDougieTweek TweakProfessor Chaos (character)

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Sixth Season

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