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The official script for "Prehistoric Ice Man" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Aussie
  • Larry, the Prehistoric Ice Man
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Dr. Mephesto
  • Kevin
  • Federal Agents
  • Reporters
  • Leslie
  • Buck
  • Officer Barbrady And His Officers
  • Train Station Clerk
  • Train Conductor
  • Helicopter Pilot
  • Marilyn Manson

Script

[Cartman's house. A television is heard. The screen shows an Australian crocodile hunter narrating his adventures as a woman pilots his boat down a river.]
Aussie: As we steer our boat down [the boys are on the sofa looking at TV], looking for these dangerous predators... Boy, there's a king croc right here. [it slips into the water] He must be four meters; 12, 13 feet long at least. [it looks up at him] This croc has enough power in its jaws to rip my head right off.
Kenny: (Oh, no!) [tightens his hood up]
Aussie: I've got to be careful. So, what I'm gonna do is sneak up on it and jam my thumb in its butthole.
Stan: Holy crap. dude!
Aussie: If I get bit out here, I'm 200 kilometers from the nearest hospital: I'd better be real careful jamming my thumb in its butthole. [jumps in and grabs the crocodile] Oh, boy, it's pissed off now.
Kyle: Go, dude, go! [excited, the boys jump on the sofa]
Aussie: I'm gonna jam my thumb it its butthole now! This should really piss it off! [reaches down with his left thumb to do it. The croc jumps up in pain and drops] Oh, yeah, that pissed it off, all right! [the boys cheer] I've gotta be careful!
Stan: This guy rules!
Kenny: (He actually killed it!)
Cartman: I told you guys.
Aussie: [with left arm now bandaged and in a sling] Well! That was quite an angry croc! But I managed to escape with only a few bruises and a shattered left testicle. Next week we'll look for more of these beautiful creatures, so we can learn more about them by pissing them off immensely. Thanks for watching.
Kyle: [to Stan] Dude! Let's go look for crocodiles!
Stan: Yeah! [the four of them hop to the floor and walk out the front door.]
[The woods. Cartman leads the boys up a hill. All are armed with water guns]
Cartman: [with Aussie accent] There's bound to be some crocs up here. I'll use my croc call and try to bring 'em out. Brigeghus, brigeghus! Brig-!
Kyle: That's not how a croc sounds, you fatass penis!
Cartman: [advancing towards Kyle] Ogh! Now I'm gonna kick my friend Kyle in the beanbag and see what happens, by crikey!
Kyle: Get away from me, Cartman! [backs away]
Cartman: Come 'ere, crocky.
Kyle: [trips over a rock and tumbles down the slope] AAAAAAAAAA! [The boys follow him to a hole]
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: [from the bottom of a dark shaft. His figure dissapears] HELP! [thud]
Stan: Good job, Cartman! You killed Kyle!
Kenny: (You bastard!)
Cartman: Well, he shouldn't have called me fat. [backs up]
Stan: Why the hell not?! That's like calling the sky blue!
Cartman: Well, screw him, he's dead! Let's go look for crocodiles! [turns around and walks off]
Kyle: You guuuys!
Stan: [to Cartman] Hey, he's still alive. [looks down and calls] Kyle, you okay? [Cartman returns and looks down]
Kyle: I think so. Is Cartman up there?
Cartman: I'm right here, Kyle.
Kyle: Cartman, you fucking hunk of fat, rat-fucking hunk of pig-fucking ass fat.
Cartman: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Say that to my face, pussy!
Stan: Can you climb back up, dude?
Kyle: I don't think so.
Stan: Damn it, I guess I'll have to go get him.
Cartman: [moves away] Nah. Come on, guys. Let's go look for crocodi-iles.
[Inside a cave at the bottom of the shaft, Kyle awaits his rescue. Stan descends, spinning slowly as Cartman huffs outside.]
Stan: Whoa, dude. This is making me sick. Blaach! [his vomit goes everywhere] Bluchluchluchluch.
Kyle: Sick, dude! [wipes some off his cap]
Stan: Sorry. [Cartman slips a bit] What the hell are you doing, fat boy?! [drops to the cave ground and stands up]
Cartman: Screw you, hippie!
Kyle: Come on, dude. I wanna get out of here.
Stan: All right. Just grab the rope. Wait a minute. What's this? [walks to an ice pillar nearby. Kyle follows. Stan rubs some frost away from the pillar, revealing a frozen man]
Both: AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Kyle: Dude, it's a dude! [Stan takes a closer look]
Stan: He's like, some frozen guy.
Cartman: Come on, you guys, it's getting cold up here!
Stan: Shut up, Cartman! [to Kyle] Dude, I saw this in a movie once. The old cavemen get frozen, and then people discover them and make them their caveman friends.
Kyle: Wow. Cool.
Stan: [to Cartman and Kenny] You guys, there's a frozen ape man from the past down here! Send some more rope!
Cartman: Really? [to Kenny] Hey, there's a frozen guy down there.
Stan: [to Kyle] Help me chip some of the ice away.
Cartman: Hey you guys. This is just like that one movie, um, John Travolta and that, French chick were doing it, all summer long and went back to school and sang songs about "Greased Lightning." [no response] You know, that movie where Sandra Dee thinks she's all prissy, and then they try and try to get an abortion, but she doesn't have all the-
Stan and Kyle: [frustrated by Cartman's talkativeness.] CARTMAN, WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET SOME MORE ROPE?!
Cartman: Aww, screw you guys anyway!
Stan: Hey, remember when that kid found a wallet and got a reward?
Kyle: Yeah, sweet! Maybe we can get a reward for the frozen guy!
Both: Hooray!
Cartman: For what?
[on the road towards town. Cartman pulls the frozen man on a sled while the other three push from behind]
Stan: Where shall we bring it?
Kyle: I don't know. We just have to get it to town and let them figure out what to do with it.
Stan: I think I'm going to name it Gorak.
Kyle: No, dude! We have to name it Steve.
Stan: [stops] Steve? What the hell kind of caveman name is Steve? [Cartman pulls, but isn't going anywhere]
Kyle: It's my name, and I found him.
Stan: You didn't find him, I found him.
Kyle: What are you talking about, dude?! I fell down that abyss and there it was!
Stan: You wouldn't even have noticed it if I hadn't pointed it out.
Kyle: Kenny, who found the ice man?
Kenny: (Well, I think you guys should name it Steve)
Cartman: I think we're almost there, you guys.
[City Hall front lawn. The mayor is at the podium and a crowd of townspeople is watching]
Mayor: Aalll right, people. The next order of business is a very serious matter. We need to vote on whether South Park should reinstate the death penalty or not. All those in favor, say "yippee."
Some People: Yippee.
Tardy Man: Wait, what was that? I missed the question. Yippee! [raises both hands]
Mayor: All those opposed, say "nay."
Other People: Nay.
Tardy Man: Screw you! [punches the guy to his right]
Man: Ey! Screw you! [hits the tardy man, and everyone starts fighting. The boys show up with the ice man]
Stan: Huh, excuse me?
Mayor: Not now, kids. The town is having a very important debate on capital punishment. [quite vigorously, too]
Kyle: But we found a frozen ice man from the past! [all stop]
Stan: I found this frozen guy in the woods today.
Kyle: No. I found this frozen guy in the woods today.
Mayor: What the hell is going on here?
Kyle: We came for our reward.
Cartman: Yeah, like the kid with the wallet.
Mayor: [annoyed] Reward? What reward?
Mephesto: [arriving] Mayor, I think the boys may have stumbled onto something here. You see, Mayor, frozen links are often found: dinosaur eggs, woolly mammoths. This specimen could be a missing link [close-up] in our evolution. If I can unfreeze the body, and perform an autopsy, I could learn much about this creature's people and its time.
Mayor: Sure sure sure, be my guest, knock your socks off.
Mephesto: Thank you, Mayor. Oh, and boys, I, I can't give you a reward for finding this creature, but if you'd like, I'll let you name him.
Stan: Really.
Kyle: Sweet. How about Steve?
Mephesto: Steve it is.
Stan: Wait a minute! His name is Gorak!
Mephesto: Come on, Steve. We've got work to do. [pushes "Steve" away with Kevin. Stan is not happy at Kyle's sleight of word] Unfreezing this body will be quite delicate work. We'll have to use the most advanced methods available.
[The South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Inside, Mephesto and Kevin use blow dryers on the ice man. Quite an advanced method]
Mephesto: This is very exciting. He could be a Neanderthal. Or an Australopithecus from the Paleolithic era. [turns off the blow dryer and picks up a flashlight to inspect the man] Do you see that, Kevin? These clothes are from Eddie Bauer. I haven't seen anybody wear clothes from Eddie Bauer since... 1996! [Kevin expresses shock] This is incredible! Think of all we can learn from this body! All that it can teach us! Let's just hope the press doesn't get wind of this right away. [the lab door flies open and cameras flash all around. Barbrady tries to hold the press back by barring entrance through the door]
Barbrady: Stand back, people. There's nothing to see here.
Reporter: What about the prehistoric ice man?
Barbrady: Oh, yeah. There is that. [lowers his arms, and the press rushes in.]
Reporter: Dr. Mephesto, could you please tell us what's going on?
Mephesto: Ladies and gentlemen, we still have a lot of work to do. [the press mills around, taking pictures] But it is my opinion that this man has been frozen in time for over 32 months! [some reporters gasp] Yes, it's true, although at this early stage we know very little about this man or the time from which he comes.
[News 4 Special Report. The caption has a silhouette of a caveman stamped with a question mark.]
Reporter: Fascinating news tonight from South Park. An ancient discovery of a prehistoric man actually frozen in ice. A team of scientists continues to try and unfreeze the body so that it can be autopsied, and studied. The caveman was discovered by Kyle Broflovski, who had this to say:
Kyle: [Stan and Kenny in the background] Well, I fell down this ice cavern, [Stan interrupts him with "la"s] and I saw this block of ice, so I told my friend to throw a rope- [Kenny looks at Stan, and Kyle glances back]
Reporter: The prehistoric ice man is thought to be from the late neo-post-Jurassic era, where he was probably part of a hunting and gathering tribe that lived on Waterston Street.
[The genetic engineering ranch.]
Mephesto: That's it, Kevin. Now we can begin the autopsy.
"Steve": [stirs] Uuuurrr.
Mephesto: Ugh? What's this?
"Steve": [stirs more] Mmmmm.
Mayor: Holy crap! He's alive??
Mephesto: That's impossible! [to Kevin] Do an EKG on him! [Kevin hits "Steve" on the head with the hammer]
"Steve": Uugh! [raises his right arm to his head to soothe the pain]
Mephesto: My God, he really is alive. The ice must have preserved him!
Mayor: [alarmed] Well, quick, do something!
Mephesto: Nono, we've got to think this through. [takes the mayor aside] Mayor, this man has not been conscious for almost three years. He won't understand what he sees! He'll be frightened and confused!
Mayor: Well, you just can't let him die.
Mephesto: Perhaps death is better than the shock he will take trying to adapt to our time.
"Steve": Uh, ughn.
Mephesto: [moves towards him] Oh my God. It looks as if he's about to speak!
"Steve": [eyes open] Where... where am I?
Reporter 1: What?
Reporter 2: What's he saying?
Reporter 3: Is that English?
Mephesto: What? You're, you're hungry?
"Steve": Where am I?
Mephesto: You're, you're hungry?
"Steve": What's goin' on?
Mephesto: Me friend. Friieend. Me friend. Ma-phes-to. Mah-phehs-to.
"Steve": Huh?
Mephesto: Hawgh! If we could understand what he's saying, then maybe we could get some answers. [Kevin hits "Steve" a couple more times, and "Steve" soothes his head again] If only there was someone who could communicate with him on a level as primitive as his own, a mind like... a child.
[The boys walk along the curb on their was home]
Stan: Dude, I wanted to call him Gorak.
Kyle: Gorak's a gay name.
Stan: No, it isn't!
Kyle: Why are you being such a dick?
Stan: I'm not being a dick, you're being a dick!
Kyle: Nuh-uh!
Barbrady: [rushing up] Hello, children. Dr. Mephesto needs one of you to help him out in his lab with the prehistoric ice man.
Kyle: I'll go.
Stan: No, I'll go! I found him!
Cartman: Damn, I've never seen you guys fight like this!
Barbrady: All right, there's only one fair way to do this. Everyone stick out their potatoes. [thumbs come out] My mother and your mother were out hanging clothes. My mother punched your mother in the nose. What color blood came out? [Lands on Kenny]
Kenny: (Blue.)
Barbrady: B L O O uh oh-O spells "blue" and that means that you will go to the lab and help out Mephesto and then we can all go home and watch Murphy Brown. [The boys look confused]
[The genetic engineering ranch. "Steve" is now sitting up.]
Mephesto: Steve. You-
"Steve": Where am I?
Mephesto: Steeve. Steeeve. Steeeve. [the door opens, and the boys rush in] Oh good, you're here.
Stan: Oh my God, they revived Gorak.
Kyle: You bastards!
Mephesto: Yes, and I need you to communicate with him. See if you can understand what he's saying. [takes Stan to "Steve"]
Stan: Uh. Hi.
"Steve": Hi.
Mephesto: [rushing] What'd he say?
Stan: He said, "hi."
Mephesto: Very interesting.
"Steve": Where am I?
Mephesto: What??
Stan: He wants to know where he is.
Mephesto: Tell him, tell him he's... home.
Stan: You're... home. ["Steve" scratches his head]
Mephesto: In the year 1999.
"Steve": It's 1999??
Mephesto: He's been frozen for the last 32 months.
Stan: Dude, you've been frozen 32 months.
Mephesto: And we found you-
"Steve": What? Thirty-two months?!
Mephesto: All right, all right, all-
"Steve": Aaaa! [throws over a tray]
Mephesto: All right, all right, calm down.
"Steve": [panics] AAAAAAA!
Mephesto: I think that's enough for today. [sedates him]
"Steve": Whoa, oh.
Kyle: Good job, dude! You freaked him out!
Stan: Oh, shut up, assmaster. You're just jealous 'cause they had me talk to him. [they face each other. Cartman looks on, between them]
Kyle: Guess what? You're not my best friend anymore! Cartman's my new best friend!
Cartman: Sweet.
Stan: Oh yeah? Well You're not my best friend anymore, either! Cartman is now my best friend!
Cartman: Killer.
Kyle: Fine! [turns and walks away]
Stan: Fine! [turns and walks away]
Cartman: Fine.
[The genetic engineering ranch. A car is stationed outside. A finger presses the butt-shaped doorbell]
Agent: [one of three] Are you Alphonse Mephesto?
Mephesto: The same.
Agent: We understand that you are currently in possession of the prehistoric ice man from 1996.
Mephesto: That's right.
Agent: We would like to... [notices Kevin and stares] we would like to offer our services in your experiments.
Mephesto: Oh? Where are you gents from?
Agent 2: We are from the University, of... America.
Mephesto: Well, there's not a lot to see, but... Come in. [opens the door and makes way for them] He's still not responding much to us; the shock is still settling in, [as he leads them, familiar animals can be seen in display cages: four-assed monkey, four-assed mongoose, four-assed ostrich] but we've made great progress now that he's in the habitat.
Agent: Habitat?
Mephesto: [they turn the corner into a darkened area] Yes. Kevin and I designed a habitat for Steve to live in that is completely like his own world. Everything is 1996-oriented. [turns on the light, and Ace of Base's "All That She Wants" blares from a stereo]
Agent: Amazing. He looks so much like us. ["Steve" sits on a "Hunchback of Notre Dame" bed, with posters of "Fargo" and "Independence Day" on the back wall]
Mephesto: Yes, well, Kevin has done a lot of work in figuring out just how related to us Steve really is. He came up with this drawing: [holds up evolution of man drawing with "Steve" right before the modern man]
Agent: Dr. Mephesto, we realize that scientific study is expensive. We want to help you make this project more... lucrative.
Mephesto: How would we do that?
Agent: It's easy.
[[Mephesto has opened up his ranch to the public. Viewers move down a moving sidewalk looking at the habitat and listening to Ace of Base's "The Sign". One viewer snaps a picture. Mephesto stands at a podium]
Mephesto: As you can see, the ice man is listening to Ace of Base, which was a very popular group during his era, and primitive drumming soothed his people's tempers. [the boys appear on the sidewalk]
Stan: He doesn't look very happy in there.
Kyle: No, he sure doesn't.
Stan: I wasn't talking to you, buttpipe! I was talking to Cartman!
Kyle: Well, I was talking to Cartman, too!
Cartman: Damn, I'm pretty freakin' cool all of a sudden.
Mephesto: Ah! Here we see the ice man trying to gain Internet access on the computer. The Internet was still not very big in his time, so the Web frightens and confuses him. ["Steve" throws the mouse away, then overturns the computer in a fit of rage. The viewers are alarmed as he moves towards the window] It's okay, he can't hurt you. [they chuckle in relief] It's one-way glass: he can't even see us. ["Steve" goes to the back wall] And now the ice man watches television. [Click. The Aussie hunter is on TV. A grizzly bear is man-handling him]
Aussie: This grizzly bear has the strength of over ten Morgan Freemans. I'm really pissing him off right now.
Mephesto: [to the Agents] Wait. This could be dangerous.
Agent: How so?
Mepehsto: He's changing the channel. Something on the television could frighten and confuse him.
Sports Reporter: And they've done it! The Atlanta Falcons are going to the Super Bowl!
"Steve": What?!! Rrrowrrr! [he throws the TV off the cabinet and the crowd recoils. He senses the crowd, as he turns towards the glass and growls]
Stan: [approaches with Kyle and Cartman] You guys aren't being very nice to my creature.
Kyle: He's my creature!
Mephesto: He's fine, boys. And we're learning so much from him.
Stan: Let him out, dude. He's scared.
Agent: He would be more scared on the outside. Do you think this stuff freaks him out? How do you think he'd react to what's happening in the government right now?
Kyle: But it isn't right!
Agent 2: Little boy, sometimes, what's right isn't as important as what's profitable. [Stan turns and walks to the window. He looks at "Steve" in empathy. More people come by to look at the ice man]
Kenny: [notices the end of the sidewalk] (Uh oh. Ow!) [slips down between the sidewalk and the landing, and is flattened to death. His remains reappear at the other end]
Stan: [gasps] Oh my God, they killed Kenny! [looks at Kyle]
Kyle: What?! I'm not talking to you! [walks away]
[Later that night.]
Stan: [a voice in the night] Gorak! [he rushes to the habitat, then heads to the access door] Gorak! Gorak! Are you there?
"Steve": Oh hi. What are you doing here? Viewing hours are 10 to 6.
Stan: I don't think it's fair for them to keep you captive like this, Gorak. I came to bust you out.
"Steve": Wow. That's really nice of you, kid. Thanks! [a door opens off-screen, and Stan turns to see who it is. Kyle appears.]
Stan: What are you doing here?
Kyle: [reaches the access door] I'm here to bust out Steve.
Stan: What?! You can't. I'm here to bust out Gorak.
Kyle: His name is Steve!
Stan: His name is Gorak!
"Steve": My name is Larry.
Kyle: Steve!
Stan: Gorak!
Kyle: Steve!
Stan: What kind of stupid-ass name is Steve?!
Kyle: Because, he kinda like looks like Steve Austin, the $6 million man
Stan: [looks up at Larry, who looks back] No he doesn't!!
Kyle: Does so!
Larry: Uh. Hey, kids, could you just open the door so I can get back to my family?
Stan: I found him, I'm rescuing him! [Kyle just opens the door]
Larry: [to Kyle] Thanks. [leaves]
Stan: You're a dick!
Kyle: You're a dick!
Stan: You're a dick, and I've had it with your dicketry! I choose you!
Kyle: You want a fight? Well, that's fine with me!
Stan: Tomorrow at the bus stop, 4 o'clock!
Kyle: Well, why don't we make 3 o'clock?
Stan: [hushed] Dude, Terrance and Phillip is on at 3.
Kyle: [hushed] Oh yeah. [loudly] Fine, I'll kick your ass tomorrow, dick! [walks away]
Stan: I'll kick your ass so bad you'll wish you never had it- to begin with! Your ass, I mean. [turns his head aside] Wait. [walks off in the opposite direction]
[The town, next day. Larry walks around and comes across "TELE'S," which shows a large-screen TV flanked by towers three TV's tall on each side. Marilyn Manson is on screen]
Marilyn Manson:

I just smelled your britches and they're stinky
Stinky Britches
Stinky Britches

Larry: Arrrggh! [crashes through the window, takes the large-screen TV and smashes it to the ground, then walks away]
[the genetic engineering ranch]
Mephesto: He's gone! The ice man has broken out!
Agent: No, that's impossible! How could he have?
Mephesto: He must have used this... door [a door to the outside is open next to him]
Agent: Damn it, Damn it!
Mephesto: We have to find him! He won't survive long out in the world!
Agent: Yes, and if he isn't found, we won't be able to use him for our military war-
Agent 2: Sshhhh!
Agent: Right.
Mephesto: What?
Agent 2: What?
Agent: Nothing.
Mephesto: No, what did you say? Uh, use him for what?
Agent: [shrilly] Butlutlutlutlup! [Mephesto just stares at him]
Agent 2: Dr. Mephesto, where could the creature have gone?
Mephesto: I have no idea!
Agent: We'll never track him down on our own. This calls for some special assistance.
[Larry knocks at a door at 1299 Waterston St. A woman opens the door.]
Woman: Can I help you?
Larry: Leslie. It's me, Larry. [she stares back, blankly] Your husband?
Woman: Husband? You're not my husband.
Larry: Think hard, Leslie. We used to be together, for over eight years?
Woman: I seem to remember a husband, but I think he was lost and never found on Kenosha Pass.
Larry: That was me!
Woman: [a bit stunned] Oh.
Big Man: [appears behind her] Who is it, lover?
Woman: It's my former husband, who I had forgotten all about.
Big Man: Ooooo. [he and Larry check each other out] Well, sir, let me shake your hand. I'm proud to meet the man whose wife I'm currently sticking it to every night. [walks away]
Larry: So you... remarried.
Woman: Yes, Lorry.
Larry: Larry!
Woman: Uhlarry. Larry-y, you disap-peared. I waited for you to come home for over three days! I. I remember how cold and lonely the nights got. By the fourth day I knew: I had to move on.
Larry: Didn't anybody send out a search party?
Woman: We did, Larry. We looked all afternoon. But we found nothing, no trace.
Larry: Please, Leslie, I don't know where else to go. I'm confused.
Woman: Leslie, I'm with Buck now. [must be the big dude shown earlier]
Larry: You're Leslie.
Woman: Right. I'm with Buck now. We have children together. [they appear] Calvin is eight, and little Buck is 13. I just can't up and leave them. I'm sorry.
Larry: I'm sorry, too. I'll leave you alone. [walks away. She closes the door, and he stops] Eight and thirteen? [wrong family?]
[Stan's house. He and Cartman are out in the backyard. Cartman is dressed as an outback hunter]
Cartman: Well, I don't see any crocs out here.
Stan: Damnit, Cartman, you're supposed to be helping me to get ready to fight Kyle, not playing Australian outback guy!
Cartman: [walks over to a cat nearby] Or, in other words, I'll let this jagu-ar bop me in the face and see if it hurts. Come on, jagu-ar, let's see what you've got! [the cat leaps up and scratches his face] Aaah! Ow, son of a bitch! [feels the two scratches on his left cheek]
Stan: You suck as a best friend, Cartman!
Cartman: You son of a bitch cat!
Stan: [walks to Larry, bathing in a tub out in the open with the garden hose, and looks at him for a while] What are you doing, Gorak!
Larry: [turns to see him] I can't live in your time. I'm freezing myself again.
Stan: Wow, that sucks, dude.
Larry: Tell me about it. I've been doing this for over three and a half hours now, and only my toes are starting to ice over.
Kyle: [rushing in with a travel guide] Steve, wait!
Stan: What are you doing here, dick?! We're not supposed to fight until 4 o'clock!
Kyle: I've got something to show Steve, dick!
Stan: Gorak is busy freezing himself again, dick!
Kyle: Steve, you don't have to freeze yourself. Look!
Larry: What is that? [drops the hose]
Kyle: It's this place called Des Moines. It's like, lost in time, see? [opens the guide to show Des Moines's assets] Everybody looks like you do. [flips the page] Fashion is two years behind, Technology is two years behind, fads, are two years behind, just like you. [hands him the guide to look over]
Larry: [closes it with affection] Home.
Kyle: Come on, Steve, you're going to Des Moines!
Stan: Oh, no you don't, glory-monger! Gorak is my responsibility. I'll take him to Des Moines!
Kyle: No you don't, butthole! [a helicopter is heard over the neighborhood, and Larry sees it. Dogs begin barking]
Larry: They're coming for me!
Stan: Come on! [the three run away]
Cartman: Yeah, you jagu-ars can be real mean. I'm gonna have to smack it in the face. [Mephesto and his Agents arrive]
Mephesto: Was the ice man here?
Cartman: He might have been, by crikey.
Agent: We have to get him back. Well, can you do it?
Aussie: [!] Sure I can! I can hunt down anything!
Cartman: Wow! Kick ass!
[South Park Train Station. People are waiting to depart, and a train is pulling in]
Stan: We need a one-way ticket to Des Moines, please.
Clerk: Des Moines? What the hell for?
Kyle: We have to get our friend, Steve-
Stan: My friend, Gorak!
Kyle:
Stan: No, he's not gonna melt away! That's Frosty, you stupid butthole!
Kyle: Frosty, Steve, whatever.
Clerk: Well, okay. Uh, I'll find him a seat. [sets to writing the ticket. The boys soon look at the clock on the wall]
Stan: Dude, look, it's 4 o'clock.
Kyle: Oh. We'll wait for you over there, Steve. We have to start fighting now.
Larry: Okay, boys. Thanks. [the boys walk off, then stop. Stan turns around]
Kyle: Okay. First one to die, loses.
Stan: 'K.
Kyle: Okay. [neither one moves]
Stan: O-okay.
Kyle: So, here we go. [puts up his fists]
Stan: 'K [puts up his fists]
Kyle: Go. [they lock fists and start fighting]
[The woods. The Aussie leads Mephesto, Agents, Barbrady, and other cops, in a hunt. He runs across a set of tracks]
Aussie: Wait a second. [bends down, picks up some snow and sniffs at it. Cartman imitates] I think he came through here recently.
Cartman: Yeah, I think the same thing.
Agent: Well, where the hell is he? We've got to get him back to the lab.
Mephesto: He can't function out here in our time!
Aussie: [rising] Calm down, calm down.
Cartman: Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons of bitches.
Aussie: Wait! Look!
Mephesto: Is it him?
Aussie: No! It's a Rocky Mountain rattle snake. [curled up on a stump, it hisses] This is the most poisonous snake in this entire region. [quietly] Now, what I'm gonna do, is carefully sneak up on him, and jam my thumb up his butthole. Crikey! [leaps on the snake] Oh, this snake is really pissed!! I'm gonna jam my thumb in his butthole now! [his thumb sticks high in the air, then drops] Awww, yeah, that pissed it off all right!
Mephesto: Does he always do this?
Agent: [now cross, in a low voice] Yeah.
Cartman: I'm gonna go jam my thumb in some'in's butthole now.
[the train station. Stan and Kyle are still fighting]
Stan: [punched by Kyle] Ow!
Kyle: [punched in return] Ow! [he throws Stan down]
Stan: Watch my coat, dude.
Kyle: Oh.
Larry: [walks up] I got my ticket.
Stan: Huh? [both look at Larry]
Larry: I have to go to Platform B.
Kyle: [blinks, then] Oh. Okay, it's over this way [leads him there with Stan. Larry takes a seat on a bench, and Stan and Kyle resume fighting]
Aussie: [shows up at the ticket booth with the hunting party] The trail ends here.
Agent: The train station? Then he's trying to go somewhere.
Mephesto: [to the clerk] Have you seen a man who looks similar to us, but with a thicker brow and an apish nose?
Clerk: What the hell are you talking about?
Mephesto: An ice man, a man from the past. We must find him. Now, where is he?!
[Platform B. Larry has gotten on the train, and the boys see him off. They get back to fighting]
Larry: Well, this is it. I'm going back to my time. Thanks again, boys.
Stan: [panting] No problem, Gorak.
Kyle: Later.
Larry: You boys have really shown me the true meaning of friendship. You didn't care about anything but my happiness. You put me in front of yourselves, and that's what real friendship is all about.
Stan: Yup.
Kyle: Uhuh.
Larry: After being frozen, I've learned that all a person has in life is family. And friends. If you lose those, you have nothing. So friends are to be treasured, more than anything in the world!
Stan: [panting] Right on.
Kyle: Cool.
Larry: Goodbye, boys. Goodbye, friends! [the train pulls away. The boys watch it leave, then resume fighting]
Mephesto: [rushing up] Where is he? Where is Steve?! [Kyle and Stan butt heads and remain eye-to-eye]
Stan: His... name... is... Gorak!
Kyle: His name... is Steve!
Agent: The train! [it passes the water tower]
Mephesto: We've got to stop it!
Aussie: No worries. [cocks his rifle and goes after Larry]
Agent: Let's get him! [the party gives chase]
Stan and Kyle: No! [they stay behind, for a moment]
[The hunting party is now on the tracks chasing the train.]
Agent: We've gotta stop that train!
Aussie: Come back here, you! [jumps onto the caboose landing]
Kyle: Steve! Steve, look out!
Stan: They're after you! [Larry looks out his window]
Aussie: Oh, he's a wily one! [looks over the railing and sees Larry, then shows him his thumb and smiles]
Larry: Oh, poo!
Kyle: Steve, look out! [Mephesto and the Agents have reached the engine]
Aussie: [meeting Larry in his car] Notice the dilated pupils of this prehistoric man. A sure sign the prey is frightened. As well as he should be, as I will now jam my thumb up his butthole.
Larry: Huh? [the Aussie pounces on him] Whah?!
Agent: [reaches for the conductor's door] Stop the train!
Conductor: Hey, who are you?
Agent: I said, stop that train!
Conductor: Yes, hello. I see you.
Cartman: They're all movin' pretty fast, but I'll catch up to 'em, by crikey.
[atop the train, Larry and the Aussie wrestle.]
Larry: [pins the Aussie] I've got you pinned. I win.
Aussie: [reverses the pin] Now I've got you pinned. I win! [on the tracks, Stan and Kyle try to keep up]
Conductor: [ducking gunshots from the Agent] Whoa!
Agent: [a helicopter comes into view and descends] Hey, it's okay! The helicopter is here! [into a communicator] Go get him, boys! [the pilot acknowledges] Cut him off!
Larry: [pinned on his stomach, his butt in the air] Nooo!
Aussie: Now for the coup de gras. I'll just... get my... thumb up... here.
Larry: [lets out a long, painful] Oohh!
[the helicopter lands in front of the train, but the train rolls on]
Pilot: Aah, the train's not stopping. [it gets closer...] It's not stopping! [...and closer...] AAAAAAAA! [impact, but the train's the one that gets ruined]
Aussie: [thrown towards the helicopter] Holy bum-! [the blades chop him up]
Stan: [catching up] Where's Gorak??
Pilot: [steps off the chopper] Wow, that is the God-damnedest thing I've ever seen.
Agent: Where's the ice man?!
Mephesto: He has to be around here somewhere. [Larry comes up behind the pilot and takes off in the helicopter]
Kyle: I can't believe he's gone.
Stan: [turns around] Wait, look! The helicopter! [they reach Mephesto and company]
Kyle: Hey!
Stan: He's alive!
Larry: [on the bullhorn] Good-bye again! I'm off to Des Moines!
Mephesto: No! Come back! You can't get out! You'll never live!
Larry: I'm not living here! Living is having ups and downs and sharing them with friends! [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Thank you, Stan and Kyle! See ya! [flies off towards the mountains]
Agent: [leaving with his colleagues] Damn! Well, so much for our plan to use the ice man to take over Sweden.
Mephesto: [following] What?!
Agent: What? Nothing!
Stan: Kyle, Steve was a... pretty good name for that guy.
Kyle: No- Dude, Gorak is cool because it's original. And besides, you found him.
Cartman: [still hunting] Be very very quiet. I'm hunting crocodiles, hahahahahaha.
Stan: [walks off with Kyle] Could we be best friends again? [Cartman stops] I hate having Cartman as a best friend.
Kyle: Me, too. He sucks.
Cartman: Oh yeah?! Well I don't need you guys anyways! You guys can kiss my- [turns left and goes Aussie] Aha! There's a king croc right there! [a cow grazing on a tiny patch of grass. Cartman sneaks up] And what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna sneak up on it, and jam my thumb in its-
Cow: Moo! [sits on Cartman, forcing his gun to the ground, then stands up with Cartman stuck up its ass]
Cartman: Ey! Ey, get me out of here! God-damnit! Ugh. Smells like Kenny's house in here.

[End of Prehistoric Ice Man. "Stinky Britches" once again:
Stinkin' britches, you've got stinky britches
Stinkin' britches, you've got stinky britches
You've got stinky britches]


  218: "Prehistoric Ice Man" edit
Story Elements

Steve IrwinDr. Alphonse MephestoLarryFederal Bureau of Investigation • "The Sign"

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Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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