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The official script for "Prehistoric Ice Man" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Prehistoric Ice Man
Cartman's house. A television is heard. The screen shows an Australian crocodile hunter narrating his adventures as a woman pilots his boat down a river.
Aussie
As we steer our boat down [the boys are on the sofa looking at TV], looking for these dangerous predators... Boy, there's a king croc right here. [it slips into the water] He must be four meters; 12, 13 feet long at least. [it looks up at him] This croc has enough power in its jaws to rip my head right off.
Kenny
(Oh, no!) [tightens his hood up]
Aussie
I've got to be careful. So, what I'm gonna do is sneak up on it and jam my thumb in its butthole.
Stan
Holy crap. dude!
Aussie
If I get bit out here, I'm 200 kilometers from the nearest hospital: I'd better be real careful jamming my thumb in its butthole. [jumps in and grabs the crocodile] Oh, boy, it's pissed off now.
Kyle
Go, dude, go! [excited, the boys jump on the sofa]
Aussie
I'm gonna jam my thumb it its butthole now! This should really piss it off! [reaches down with his left thumb to do it. The croc jumps up in pain and drops] Oh, yeah, that pissed it off, all right! [the boys cheer] I've gotta be careful!
Stan
This guy rules!
Kenny
(He actually killed it!)
Cartman
I told you guys.
Aussie
[with left arm now bandaged and in a sling] Well! That was quite an angry croc! But I managed to escape with only a few bruises and a shattered left testicle. Next week we'll look for more of these beautiful creatures, so we can learn more about them by pissing them off immensely. Thanks for watching.
Kyle
[to Stan] Dude! Let's go look for crocodiles!
Stan
Yeah!
The four of them hop to the floor and walk out the front door.
The woods. Cartman leads the boys up a hill. All are armed with water guns.
Cartman
[with Aussie accent] There's bound to be some crocs up here. I'll use my croc call and try to bring 'em out. Brigeghus, brigeghus! Brig-!
Kyle
That's not how a croc sounds, you fatass penis!
Cartman
[advancing towards Kyle] Ogh! Now I'm gonna kick my friend Kyle in the beanbag and see what happens, by crikey!
Kyle
Get away from me, Cartman! [backs away]
Cartman
Come 'ere, crocky.
Kyle
[trips over a rock and tumbles down the slope] AAAAAAAAAA!
The boys follow him to a hole.
Stan
Dude!
Kyle
[from the bottom of a dark shaft. His figure dissapears] HELP! [thud]
Stan
Good job, Cartman! You killed Kyle!
Kenny
(You bastard!)
Cartman
Well, he shouldn't have called me fat. [backs up]
Stan
Why the hell not?! That's like calling the sky blue!
Cartman
Well, screw him, he's dead! Let's go look for crocodiles! [turns around and walks off]
Kyle
You guuuys!
Stan
[to Cartman] Hey, he's still alive. [looks down and calls] Kyle, you okay? [Cartman returns and looks down]
Kyle
I think so. Is Cartman up there?
Cartman
I'm right here, Kyle.
Kyle
Cartman, you fucking hunk of fat, rat-fucking hunk of pig-fucking ass fat.
Cartman
Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Say that to my face, pussy!
Stan
Can you climb back up, dude?
Kyle
I don't think so.
Stan
Damn it, I guess I'll have to go get him.
Cartman
[moves away] Nah. Come on, guys. Let's go look for crocodi-iles.
Inside a cave at the bottom of the shaft, Kyle awaits his rescue. Stan descends, spinning slowly as Cartman huffs outside.
Stan
Whoa, dude. This is making me sick. Blaach! [his vomit goes everywhere] Bluchluchluchluch.
Kyle
Sick, dude! [wipes some off his cap]
Stan
Sorry. [Cartman slips a bit] What the hell are you doing, fat boy?! [drops to the cave ground and stands up]
Cartman
Screw you, hippie!
Kyle
Come on, dude. I wanna get out of here.
Stan
All right. Just grab the rope. Wait a minute. What's this?
He walks to an ice pillar nearby. Kyle follows. Stan rubs some frost away from the pillar, revealing a frozen man.
Both
AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Kyle
Dude, it's a dude!
Stan takes a closer look.
Stan
He's like, some frozen guy.
Cartman
Come on, you guys, it's getting cold up here!
Stan
Shut up, Cartman! [to Kyle] Dude, I saw this in a movie once. The old cavemen get frozen, and then people discover them and make them their caveman friends.
Kyle
Wow. Cool.
Stan
[to Cartman and Kenny] You guys, there's a frozen ape man from the past down here! Send some more rope!
Cartman
Really? [to Kenny] Hey, there's a frozen guy down there.
Stan
[to Kyle] Help me chip some of the ice away.
Cartman
Hey you guys. This is just like that one movie, um, John Travolta and that, French chick were doing it, all summer long and went back to school and sang songs about "Greased Lightning." [no response] You know, that movie where Sandra Dee thinks she's all prissy, and then they try and try to get an abortion, but she doesn't have all the-
Stan and Kyle
[frustrated by Cartman's talkativeness] CARTMAN, WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET SOME MORE ROPE?!
Cartman
Aww, screw you guys anyway!
Stan
Hey, remember when that kid found a wallet and got a reward?
Kyle
Yeah, sweet! Maybe we can get a reward for the frozen guy!
Both
Hooray!
Cartman
For what?
On the road towards town. Cartman pulls the frozen man on a sled while the other three push from behind.
Stan
Where shall we bring it?
Kyle
I don't know. We just have to get it to town and let them figure out what to do with it.
Stan
I think I'm going to name it Gorak.
Kyle
No, dude! We have to name it Steve.
Stan
[stops] Steve? What the hell kind of caveman name is Steve? [Cartman pulls, but isn't going anywhere]
Kyle
It's my name, and I found him.
Stan
You didn't find him, I found him.
Kyle
What are you talking about, dude?! I fell down that abyss and there it was!
Stan
You wouldn't even have noticed it if I hadn't pointed it out.
Kyle
Kenny, who found the ice man?
Kenny
(Well, I think you guys should name it Steve.)
Cartman
I think we're almost there, you guys.
City Hall front lawn. The mayor is at the podium and a crowd of townspeople is watching.
Mayor McDaniels
Aalll right, people. The next order of business is a very serious matter. We need to vote on whether South Park should reinstate the death penalty or not. All those in favor, say "yippee."
Some people
Yippee.
Tardy Man
Wait, what was that? I missed the question. Yippee! [raises both hands]
Mayor McDaniels
All those opposed, say "nay."
Other people
Nay.
Tardy Man
Screw you! [punches the guy to his right]
Man
Ey! Screw you! [hits the tardy man, and everyone starts fighting. The boys show up with the ice man]
Stan
Huh, excuse me?
Mayor McDaniels
Not now, kids. The town is having a very important debate on capital punishment. [quite vigorously, too]
Kyle
But we found a frozen ice man from the past! [all stop]
Stan
I found this frozen guy in the woods today.
Kyle
No. I found this frozen guy in the woods today.
Mayor McDaniels
What the hell is going on here?
Kyle
We came for our reward.
Cartman
Yeah, like the kid with the wallet.
Mayor McDaniels
[annoyed] Reward? What reward?
Dr. Mephesto
[arriving] Mayor, I think the boys may have stumbled onto something here. You see, Mayor, frozen links are often found: dinosaur eggs, woolly mammoths. This specimen could be a missing link [close-up] in our evolution. If I can unfreeze the body, and perform an autopsy, I could learn much about this creature's people and its time.
Mayor
Sure sure sure, be my guest, knock your socks off.
Dr. Mephesto
Thank you, Mayor. Oh, and boys, I, I can't give you a reward for finding this creature, but if you'd like, I'll let you name him.
Stan
Really.
Kyle
Sweet. How about Steve?
Dr. Mephesto
Steve it is.
Stan
Wait a minute! His name is Gorak!
Dr. Mephesto
Come on, Steve. We've got work to do. [pushes "Steve" away with Kevin. Stan is not happy at Kyle's sleight of word] Unfreezing this body will be quite delicate work. We'll have to use the most advanced methods available.
The South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Inside, Dr. Mephesto and Kevin use blow dryers on the ice man. Quite an advanced method.
Dr. Mephesto
This is very exciting. He could be a Neanderthal. Or an Australopithecus from the Paleolithic era. [turns off the blow dryer and picks up a flashlight to inspect the man] Do you see that, Kevin? These clothes are from Eddie Bauer. I haven't seen anybody wear clothes from Eddie Bauer since... 1996! [Kevin expresses shock] This is incredible! Think of all we can learn from this body! All that it can teach us! Let's just hope the press doesn't get wind of this right away.
The lab door flies open and cameras flash all around. Officer Barbrady tries to hold the press back by barring entrance through the door.
Officer Barbrady
Stand back, people. There's nothing to see here.
Reporter
What about the prehistoric ice man?
Officer Barbrady
Oh, yeah. There is that. [lowers his arms, and the press rushes in.]
Reporter
Dr. Mephesto, could you please tell us what's going on?
Dr. Mephesto
Ladies and gentlemen, we still have a lot of work to do. [the press mills around, taking pictures] But it is my opinion that this man has been frozen in time for over 32 months! [some reporters gasp] Yes, it's true, although at this early stage we know very little about this man or the time from which he comes.
News 4 Special Report. The caption has a silhouette of a caveman stamped with a question mark.
Reporter
Fascinating news tonight from South Park. An ancient discovery of a prehistoric man actually frozen in ice. A team of scientists continues to try and unfreeze the body so that it can be autopsied, and studied. The caveman was discovered by Kyle Broflovski, who had this to say:
Kyle
[Stan and Kenny in the background] Well, I fell down this ice cavern, [Stan interrupts him with "la"s] and I saw this block of ice, so I told my friend to throw a rope- [Kenny looks at Stan, and Kyle glances back]
Reporter
The prehistoric ice man is thought to be from the late neo-post-Jurassic era, where he was probably part of a hunting and gathering tribe that lived on Waterston Street.
The genetic engineering ranch.
Dr. Mephesto
That's it, Kevin. Now we can begin the autopsy.
"Steve"
[stirs] Uuuurrr.
Dr. Mephesto
Ugh? What's this?
"Steve"
[stirs more] Mmmmm.
Mayor McDaniels
Holy crap! He's alive??
Dr. Mephesto
That's impossible! [to Kevin] Do an EKG on him!
Kevin hits "Steve" on the head with the hammer.
"Steve"
Uugh! [Raises his right arm to his head to soothe the pain]
Dr. Mephesto
My God, he really is alive. The ice must have preserved him!
Mayor McDaniels
[alarmed] Well, quick, do something!
Dr. Mephesto
No no, we've got to think this through. [takes the mayor aside] Mayor, this man has not been conscious for almost three years. He won't understand what he sees! He'll be frightened and confused!
Mayor McDaniels
Well, you just can't let him die.
Dr. Mephesto
Perhaps death is better than the shock he will take trying to adapt to our time.
"Steve"
Uh, ughn.
Dr. Mephesto
[moves towards him] Oh my God. It looks as if he's about to speak!
"Steve"
[eyes open] Where... where am I?
Reporter 1
What?
Reporter 2
What's he saying?
Reporter 3
Is that English?
Dr. Mephesto
What? You're, you're hungry?
"Steve"
Where am I?
Dr. Mephesto
You're, you're hungry?
"Steve"
What's goin' on?
Dr. Mephesto
Me friend. Friieend. Me friend. Ma-phes-to. Mah-phehs-to.
"Steve"
Huh?
Dr. Mephesto
Hawgh! If we could understand what he's saying, then maybe we could get some answers. [Kevin hits "Steve" a couple more times, and "Steve" soothes his head again] If only there was someone who could communicate with him on a level as primitive as his own, a mind like... a child.
The boys walk along the curb on their was home.
Stan
Dude, I wanted to call him Gorak.
Kyle
Gorak's a gay name.
Stan
No, it isn't!
Kyle
Why are you being such a dick?
Stan
I'm not being a dick, you're being a dick!
Kyle
Nuh-uh!
Officer Barbrady
[rushing up] Hello, children. Dr. Mephesto needs one of you to help him out in his lab with the prehistoric ice man.
Kyle
I'll go.
Stan
No, I'll go! I found him!
Cartman
Damn, I've never seen you guys fight like this!
Officer Barbrady
All right, there's only one fair way to do this. Everyone stick out their potatoes. [thumbs come out] My mother and your mother were out hanging clothes. My mother punched your mother in the nose. What color blood came out? [Lands on Kenny]
Kenny
(Blue.)
Officer Barbrady
B L O O uh oh-O spells "blue" and that means that you will go to the lab and help out Mephesto and then we can all go home and watch Murphy Brown. [The boys look confused]
The genetic engineering ranch. "Steve" is now sitting up.
Dr. Mephesto
Steve. You-
"Steve"
Where am I?
Dr. Mephesto
Steeve. Steeeve. Steeeve. [the door opens, and the boys rush in] Oh good, you're here.
Stan
Oh my God, they revived Gorak.
Kyle
You bastards!
Dr. Mephesto
Yes, and I need you to communicate with him. See if you can understand what he's saying.
He takes Stan to Steve.
Stan
Uh, hi.
"Steve"
Hi.
Dr. Mephesto
[rushing] What'd he say?
Stan
He said, "hi."
Dr. Mephesto
Very interesting.
"Steve"
Where am I?
Dr. Mephesto
What??
Stan
He wants to know where he is.
Dr. Mephesto
Tell him, tell him he's... home.
Stan
You're... home.
"Steve" scratches his head.
Dr. Mephesto
In the year 1999.
"Steve"
It's 1999??
Dr. Mephesto
He's been frozen for the last 32 months.
Stan
Dude, you've been frozen 32 months.
Dr. Mephesto
And we found you-
"Steve"
What? Thirty-two months?!
Dr. Mephesto
All right, all right, all-
"Steve"
Aaaa! [throws over a tray]
Dr. Mephesto
All right, all right, calm down.
"Steve"
[panics] AAAAAAA!
Dr. Mephesto
I think that's enough for today. [sedates him]
"Steve"
Whoa, oh.
Kyle
Good job, dude! You freaked him out!
Stan
Oh, shut up, assmaster. You're just jealous 'cause they had me talk to him.
They face each other. Cartman looks on, between them.
Kyle
Guess what? You're not my best friend anymore! Cartman's my new best friend!
Cartman
Sweet.
Stan
Oh yeah? Well You're not my best friend anymore, either! Cartman is now my best friend!
Cartman
Killer.
Kyle
Fine! [turns and walks away]
Stan
Fine! [turns and walks away]
Cartman
Fine.
The genetic engineering ranch. A car is stationed outside. A finger presses the butt-shaped doorbell.
Agent
[one of three] Are you Alphonse Mephesto?
Dr. Mephesto
The same.
Agent
We understand that you are currently in possession of the prehistoric ice man from 1996.
Dr. Mephesto
That's right.
Agent
We would like to... [notices Kevin and stares] we would like to offer our services in your experiments.
Dr. Mephesto
Oh? Where are you gents from?
Agent 2
We are from the University, of... America.
Dr. Mephesto
Well, there's not a lot to see, but... Come in. [opens the door and makes way for them] He's still not responding much to us; the shock is still settling in, [as he leads them, familiar animals can be seen in display cages: four-assed monkey, four-assed mongoose, four-assed ostrich] but we've made great progress now that he's in the habitat.
Agent
Habitat?
Dr. Mephesto
[they turn the corner into a darkened area] Yes. Kevin and I designed a habitat for Steve to live in that is completely like his own world. Everything is 1996-oriented.
He turns on the light, and Ace of Base's "All That She Wants" blares from a stereo.
Agent
Amazing. He looks so much like us.
"Steve" sits on a "Hunchback of Notre Dame" bed, with posters of "Fargo" and "Independence Day" on the back wall.
Dr. Mephesto
Yes, well, Kevin has done a lot of work in figuring out just how related to us Steve really is. He came up with this drawing:
He holds up evolution of man drawing with "Steve" right before the modern man.
Agent
Dr. Mephesto, we realize that scientific study is expensive. We want to help you make this project more... lucrative.
Dr. Mephesto
How would we do that?
Agent
It's easy.
Dr. Mephesto has opened up his ranch to the public. Viewers move down a moving sidewalk looking at the habitat and listening to Ace of Base's "The Sign". One viewer snaps a picture. Mephesto stands at a podium.
Dr. Mephesto
As you can see, the ice man is listening to Ace of Base, which was a very popular group during his era, and primitive drumming soothed his people's tempers.
The boys appear on the sidewalk.
Stan
He doesn't look very happy in there.
Kyle
No, he sure doesn't.
Stan
I wasn't talking to you, buttpipe! I was talking to Cartman!
Kyle
Well, I was talking to Cartman, too!
Cartman
Damn, I'm pretty freakin' cool all of a sudden.
Dr. Mephesto
Ah! Here we see the ice man trying to gain Internet access on the computer. The Internet was still not very big in his time, so the Web frightens and confuses him. ["Steve" throws the mouse away, then overturns the computer in a fit of rage. The viewers are alarmed as he moves towards the window] It's okay, he can't hurt you. [they chuckle in relief] It's one-way glass: he can't even see us. ["Steve" goes to the back wall] And now the ice man watches television.
Click. The Aussie hunter is on TV. A grizzly bear is man-handling him.
Aussie
This grizzly bear has the strength of over ten Morgan Freemans. I'm really pissing him off right now.
Dr. Mephesto
[to the Agents] Wait. This could be dangerous.
Agent
How so?
Dr. Mepehsto
He's changing the channel. Something on the television could frighten and confuse him.
Sports Reporter
And they've done it! The Atlanta Falcons are going to the Super Bowl!
"Steve"
What?!! Rrrowrrr!
He throws the TV off the cabinet and the crowd recoils. He senses the crowd, as he turns towards the glass and growls.
Stan
[approaches with Kyle and Cartman] You guys aren't being very nice to my creature.
Kyle
He's my creature!
Dr. Mephesto
He's fine, boys. And we're learning so much from him.
Stan
Let him out, dude. He's scared.
Agent
He would be more scared on the outside. Do you think this stuff freaks him out? How do you think he'd react to what's happening in the government right now?
Kyle
But it isn't right!
Agent 2
Little boy, sometimes, what's right isn't as important as what's profitable.
Stan turns and walks to the window. He looks at "Steve" in empathy. More people come by to look at the ice man.
Kenny
[notices the end of the sidewalk] (Uh oh. Ow!)
He slips down between the sidewalk and the landing, and is flattened to death. His remains reappear at the other end.
Stan
[gasps] Oh my God, they killed Kenny! [looks at Kyle]
Kyle
What?! I'm not talking to you! [walks away]
Later that night.
Stan
[a voice in the night] Gorak! [he rushes to the habitat, then heads to the access door] Gorak! Gorak! Are you there?
"Steve"
Oh hi. What are you doing here? Viewing hours are 10 to 6.
Stan
I don't think it's fair for them to keep you captive like this, Gorak. I came to bust you out.
"Steve"
Wow. That's really nice of you, kid. Thanks!
A door opens off-screen, and Stan turns to see who it is. Kyle appears.
Stan
What are you doing here?
Kyle
[reaches the access door] I'm here to bust out Steve.
Stan
What?! You can't. I'm here to bust out Gorak.
Kyle
His name is Steve!
Stan
His name is Gorak!
"Steve"
My name is Larry.
Kyle
Steve!
Stan
Gorak!
Kyle
Steve!
Stan
What kind of stupid-ass name is Steve?!
Kyle
Because, he kinda like looks like Steve Austin, the $6 million man.
Stan
[looks up at Larry, who looks back] No he doesn't!!
Kyle
Does so!
Larry
Uh. Hey, kids, could you just open the door so I can get back to my family?
Stan
I found him, I'm rescuing him!
Kyle just opens the door.
Larry
[to Kyle] Thanks. [leaves]
Stan
You're a dick!
Kyle
You're a dick!
Stan
You're a dick, and I've had it with your dicketry! I choose you!
Kyle
You want a fight? Well, that's fine with me!
Stan
Tomorrow at the bus stop, 4 o'clock!
Kyle
Well, why don't we make 3 o'clock?
Stan
[hushed] Dude, Terrance and Phillip is on at 3.
Kyle
[hushed] Oh yeah. [loudly] Fine, I'll kick your ass tomorrow, dick! [walks away]
Stan
I'll kick your ass so bad you'll wish you never had it- to begin with! Your ass, I mean. [turns his head aside] Wait. [walks off in the opposite direction]
The town, next day. Larry walks around and comes across "TELE'S," which shows a large-screen TV flanked by towers three TV's tall on each side. Marilyn Manson is on screen.
Marilyn Manson

I just smelled your britches and they're stinky
Stinky Britches
Stinky Britches

Larry
Arrrggh!
He crashes through the window, takes the large-screen TV and smashes it to the ground, then walks away.
The genetic engineering ranch.
Dr. Mephesto
He's gone! The ice man has broken out!
Agent
No, that's impossible! How could he have?
Dr. Mephesto
He must have used this... door.
A door to the outside is open next to him.
Agent
Damn it, Damn it!
Dr. Mephesto
We have to find him! He won't survive long out in the world!
Agent
Yes, and if he isn't found, we won't be able to use him for our military war-
Agent 2
Sshhhh!
Agent
Right.
Mephesto
What?
Agent 2
What?
Agent
Nothing.
Dr. Mephesto
No, what did you say? Uh, use him for what?
Agent
[shrilly] Butlutlutlutlup!
Mephesto just stares at him.
Agent 2
Dr. Mephesto, where could the creature have gone?
Dr. Mephesto
I have no idea!
Agent
We'll never track him down on our own. This calls for some special assistance.
Larry knocks at a door at 1299 Waterston St. A woman opens the door.
Woman
Can I help you?
Larry
Leslie. It's me, Larry. [she stares back, blankly] Your husband?
Leslie
Husband? You're not my husband.
Larry
Think hard, Leslie. We used to be together, for over eight years?
Woman
I seem to remember a husband, but I think he was lost and never found on Kenosha Pass.
Larry
That was me!
Leslie
[a bit stunned] Oh.
Big Man
[appears behind her] Who is it, lover?
Leslie
It's my former husband, who I had forgotten all about.
Big Man
Ooooo. [he and Larry check each other out] Well, sir, let me shake your hand. I'm proud to meet the man whose wife I'm currently sticking it to every night. [walks away]
Larry
So you... remarried.
Leslie
Yes, Lorry.
Larry
Larry!
Leslie
Uh, larry. Larry-y, you disap-peared. I waited for you to come home for over three days! I. I remember how cold and lonely the nights got. By the fourth day I knew: I had to move on.
Larry
Didn't anybody send out a search party?
Leslie
We did, Larry. We looked all afternoon. But we found nothing, no trace.
Larry
Please, Leslie, I don't know where else to go. I'm confused.
Leslie
Leslie, I'm with Buck now. [must be the big dude shown earlier]
Larry
You're Leslie.
Leslie
Right. I'm with Buck now. We have children together. [they appear] Calvin is eight, and little Buck is 13. I just can't up and leave them. I'm sorry.
Larry
I'm sorry, too. I'll leave you alone. [walks away. She closes the door, and he stops] Eight and thirteen? [wrong family?]
Stan's house. He and Cartman are out in the backyard. Cartman is dressed as an outback hunter.
Cartman
Well, I don't see any crocs out here.
Stan
Damnit, Cartman, you're supposed to be helping me to get ready to fight Kyle, not playing Australian outback guy!
Cartman
[walks over to a cat nearby] Or, in other words, I'll let this jagu-ar bop me in the face and see if it hurts. Come on, jagu-ar, let's see what you've got! [the cat leaps up and scratches his face] Aaah! Ow, son of a bitch!
He feels the two scratches on his left cheek.
Stan
You suck as a best friend, Cartman!
Cartman
You son of a bitch cat!
Stan
[walks to Larry, bathing in a tub out in the open with the garden hose, and looks at him for a while] What are you doing, Gorak!
Larry
[turns to see him] I can't live in your time. I'm freezing myself again.
Stan
Wow, that sucks, dude.
Larry
Tell me about it. I've been doing this for over three and a half hours now, and only my toes are starting to ice over.
Kyle
[rushing in with a travel guide] Steve, wait!
Stan
What are you doing here, dick?! We're not supposed to fight until 4 o'clock!
Kyle
I've got something to show Steve, dick!
Stan
Gorak is busy freezing himself again, dick!
Kyle
Steve, you don't have to freeze yourself. Look!
Larry
What is that? [drops the hose]
Kyle
It's this place called Des Moines. It's like, lost in time, see? [opens the guide to show Des Moines's assets] Everybody looks like you do. [flips the page] Fashion is two years behind, Technology is two years behind, fads, are two years behind, just like you.
He hands him the guide to look over.
Sorry
[closes it with affection] Home.
Kyle
Come on, Steve, you're going to Des Moines!
Stan
Oh, no you don't, glory-monger! Gorak is my responsibility. I'll take him to Des Moines!
Kyle
No you don't, butthole!
A helicopter is heard over the neighborhood, and Larry sees it. Dogs begin barking.
Larry
They're coming for me!
Stan
Come on! [the three run away]
Cartman
Yeah, you jagu-ars can be real mean. I'm gonna have to smack it in the face.
Mephesto and his agents arrive.
Dr. Mephesto
Was the ice man here?
Cartman
He might have been, by crikey.
Agent
We have to get him back. Well, can you do it?
Aussie
[!] Sure I can! I can hunt down anything!
Cartman
Wow! Kick ass!
South Park Train Station. People are waiting to depart, and a train is pulling in.
Stan
We need a one-way ticket to Des Moines, please.
Clerk
Des Moines? What the hell for?
Kyle
We have to get our friend, Steve-
Stan
My friend, Gorak!
Kyle
-to Des Moines, or else he's gonna melt away.
Stan
No, he's not gonna melt away! That's Frosty, you stupid butthole!
Kyle
Frosty, Steve, whatever.
Clerk
Well, okay. Uh, I'll find him a seat.
He sets to writing the ticket. The boys soon look at the clock on the wall.
Stan
Dude, look, it's 4 o'clock.
Kyle
Oh. We'll wait for you over there, Steve. We have to start fighting now.
Larry
Okay, boys. Thanks.
The boys walk off, then stop. Stan turns around.
Kyle
Okay. First one to die, loses.
Stan
'K.
Kyle
Okay. [neither one moves]
Stan
O-okay.
Kyle
So, here we go. [puts up his fists]
Stan
'K [puts up his fists]
Kyle
Go. [they lock fists and start fighting]
The woods. The Aussie leads Mephesto, Agents, Barbrady, and other cops, in a hunt. He runs across a set of tracks.
Aussie
Wait a second. [bends down, picks up some snow and sniffs at it. Cartman imitates] I think he came through here recently.
Cartman
Yeah, I think the same thing.
Agent
Well, where the hell is he? We've got to get him back to the lab.
Dr. Mephesto
He can't function out here in our time!
Aussie
[rising] Calm down, calm down.
Cartman
Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons of bitches.
Aussie
Wait! Look!
Dr. Mephesto
Is it him?
Aussie
No! It's a Rocky Mountain rattle snake. [curled up on a stump, it hisses] This is the most poisonous snake in this entire region. [quietly] Now, what I'm gonna do, is carefully sneak up on him, and jam my thumb up his butthole. Crikey! [leaps on the snake] Oh, this snake is really pissed!! I'm gonna jam my thumb in his butthole now! [his thumb sticks high in the air, then drops] Awww, yeah, that pissed it off all right!
Dr. Mephesto
Does he always do this?
Agent
[now cross, in a low voice] Yeah.
Cartman
I'm gonna go jam my thumb in some'in's butthole now.
The train station. Stan and Kyle are still fighting.
Stan
[punched by Kyle] Ow!
Kyle
[punched in return] Ow! [he throws Stan down]
Stan
Watch my coat, dude.
Kyle
Oh.
Larry
[walks up] I got my ticket.
Stan
Huh? [both look at Larry]
Larry
I have to go to Platform B.
Kyle
[blinks, then] Oh. Okay, it's over this way.
He leads him there with Stan. Larry takes a seat on a bench, and Stan and Kyle resume fighting.
Aussie
[shows up at the ticket booth with the hunting party] The trail ends here.
Agent
The train station? Then he's trying to go somewhere.
Dr. Mephesto
[to the clerk] Have you seen a man who looks similar to us, but with a thicker brow and an apish nose?
Clerk
What the hell are you talking about?
Dr. Mephesto
An ice man, a man from the past. We must find him. Now, where is he?!
Platform B. Larry has gotten on the train, and the boys see him off. They get back to fighting.
Larry
Well, this is it. I'm going back to my time. Thanks again, boys.
Stan
[panting] No problem, Gorak.
Kyle
Later.
Larry
You boys have really shown me the true meaning of friendship. You didn't care about anything but my happiness. You put me in front of yourselves, and that's what real friendship is all about.
Stan
Yup.
Kyle
Uh huh.
Larry
After being frozen, I've learned that all a person has in life is family. And friends. If you lose those, you have nothing. So friends are to be treasured, more than anything in the world!
Stan
[panting] Right on.
Kyle
Cool.
Larry
Goodbye, boys. Goodbye, friends!
The train pulls away. The boys watch it leave, then resume fighting.
Dr. Mephesto
[rushing up] Where is he? Where is Steve?!
Kyle and Stan butt heads and remain eye-to-eye.
Stan
His... name... is... Gorak!
Kyle
His name... is Steve!
Agent
The train! [it passes the water tower]
Dr. Mephesto
We've got to stop it!
Aussie
No worries. [cocks his rifle and goes after Larry]
Agent
Let's get him! [the party gives chase]
Stan and Kyle
No! [they stay behind, for a moment]
The hunting party is now on the tracks chasing the train.
Agent
We've gotta stop that train!
Aussie
Come back here, you! [jumps onto the caboose landing]
Kyle
Steve! Steve, look out!
Stan
They're after you!
Larry looks out his window.
Aussie
Oh, he's a wily one!
He looks over the railing and sees Larry, then shows him his thumb and smiles.
Larry
Oh, poo!
Kyle
Steve, look out!
Mephesto and the Agents have reached the engine.
Aussie
[meeting Larry in his car] Notice the dilated pupils of this prehistoric man. A sure sign the prey is frightened. As well as he should be, as I will now jam my thumb up his butthole.
Larry
Huh? [the Aussie pounces on him] Whah?!
Agent
[reaches for the conductor's door] Stop the train!
Conductor
Hey, who are you?
Agent
I said, stop that train!
Conductor
Yes, hello. I see you.
Cartman
They're all movin' pretty fast, but I'll catch up to 'em, by crikey.
Atop the train, Larry and the Aussie wrestle.
Larry
[pins the Aussie] I've got you pinned. I win.
Aussie
[reverses the pin] Now I've got you pinned. I win!
On the tracks, Stan and Kyle try to keep up.
Conductor
[ducking gunshots from the Agent] Whoa!
Agent
[a helicopter comes into view and descends] Hey, it's okay! The helicopter is here! [into a communicator] Go get him, boys! [the pilot acknowledges] Cut him off!
Larry
[pinned on his stomach, his butt in the air] Nooo!
Aussie
Now for the coup de gras. I'll just... get my... thumb up... here.
Larry
[lets out a long, painful] Oohh!
The helicopter lands in front of the train, but the train rolls on.
Pilot
Aah, the train's not stopping. [it gets closer...] It's not stopping! [...and closer...] AAAAAAAA!
Impact, but the train's the one that gets ruined.
Aussie
[thrown towards the helicopter] Holy bum-!
The blades chop him up.
Stan
[catching up] Where's Gorak??
Pilot
[steps off the chopper] Wow, that is the God-damnedest thing I've ever seen.
Agent
Where's the ice man?!
Dr. Mephesto
He has to be around here somewhere.
Larry comes up behind the pilot and takes off in the helicopter.
Kyle
I can't believe he's gone.
Stan
[turns around] Wait, look! The helicopter!
They reach Mephesto and company.
Kyle
Hey!
Stan
He's alive!
Larry
[on the bullhorn] Good-bye again! I'm off to Des Moines!
Dr. Mephesto
No! Come back! You can't get out! You'll never live!
Larry
I'm not living here! Living is having ups and downs and sharing them with friends! [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Thank you, Stan and Kyle! See ya!
He flies off towards the mountains.
Agent
[leaving with his colleagues] Damn! Well, so much for our plan to use the ice man to take over Sweden.
Dr. Mephesto
[following] What?!
Agent
What? Nothing!
Stan
Kyle, Steve was a... pretty good name for that guy.
Kyle
No- Dude, Gorak is cool because it's original. And besides, you found him.
Cartman
[still hunting] Be very very quiet. I'm hunting crocodiles, hahahahahaha.
Stan
[walks off with Kyle] Could we be best friends again? [Cartman stops] I hate having Cartman as a best friend.
Kyle
Me too. He sucks.
Cartman
Oh yeah?! Well I don't need you guys anyways! You guys can kiss my- [turns left and goes Aussie] Aha! There's a king croc right there! [a cow grazing on a tiny patch of grass. Cartman sneaks up] And what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna sneak up on it, and jam my thumb in its-
Cow
Moo!
The cow sits on Cartman, forcing his gun to the ground, then stands up with Cartman stuck up its ass.
Cartman
Ey! Ey, get me out of here! God-damnit! Ugh. Smells like Kenny's house in here.

[End of Prehistoric Ice Man. "Stinky Britches" once again:
Stinkin' britches, you've got stinky britches
Stinkin' britches, you've got stinky britches
You've got stinky britches]

End of Prehistoric Ice Man


  218: "Prehistoric Ice Man" edit
Story Elements

Steve IrwinDr. Alphonse MephestoLarryLeslie BuckBuck Jr.CalvinFederal Bureau of Investigation • "The Sign"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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