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Leftarrow "Crippled Summer/Script" "Poor and Stupid/Script" "It's a Jersey Thing/Script" Rightarrow

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Announcer
  • Chris (Commentator 2)
  • Commentator 1
  • Dale Evans
  • Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
  • Danica Patrick
  • Doctor
  • Driver
  • FOX 11 Anchor
  • Jeff Gordon
  • Geoff Hamill
  • Jimmie Johnson
  • Lowes Pit Boss
  • Man 1
  • Pit Crewman
  • Reporter 1
  • Reporter 2
  • Field Reporter
  • Security Guard
  • Charlie Harper
  • Jake Harper
  • Spokesman
  • Tony Kornheiser
  • Woman 1
  • Woman 2
  • Woman 3

Script

Poor and Stupid
South Park Elementary, day. School lets out for the day, but Cartman sits in front of his locker crying. Stan and Kyle come into view and walk towards him
Stan
Cartman, dude, what's wrong?
Cartman
[crying quietly] Nothing. Just leave me alone, okay?
Kyle
Dude, you've been sitting at your locker crying since lunch break. Something's going on.
Cartman
It's just uh... that essay that Garrison assigned us.
Kyle
"What I Wanna Be When I Grow Up"?
Cartman
I don't like thinking about what I wanna be when I grow up, alright?! [buries his head in his lap and cries some more]
Stan
Why not?
Cartman
Because when I grow up, I wanna be something that I know I can never be, Stan!
Stan
[faces Cartman] Cartman, tell us.
Cartman
[sniffs] No... I wanna be a NASCAR driver, okay? When I see the... car races on TV, those... loud engines and peeling wheels, it's soo cool! [cries some more]
Stan
Well Cartman, if you wanna drive NASCAR when you grow up, you can.
Cartman
[cynically, walks off a bit] Oh right. Someone like me can be a NASCAR driver. [turns around and faces the boys] Look at me! [gestures to himself] Do you really think someone like this can ever become an awesome, famous NASCAR driver? [turns away]
Kyle
Aww. Cartman, you can change things about yourself.
Cartman
No I can't; I'll always be like this. [wipes tears away]
Stan
Dude, noo, you- you don't know that.
Cartman
Come on you guys, I have to face facts. NASCAR is only for poor and stupid people. I don't have what it takes! [cries some more]
Kyle
[reassessing his assumption] What?!
Cartman
I'm not poor and stupid enough to do NASCAR, and I never will be!
Stan
Dude, I don't think just poor and stupid people like NASCAR!
Cartman
Oh really? Hey, hey Kenny!
Kenny
[looks up from his locker] (What?)
Cartman
You love NASCAR huh?
Kenny
[showing the posters inside his locker] (Yeah dude, I looove NASCAR.)
Cartman
You see I told you guys! [turns and walks to his locker] What's the use? It just, it's hopeless! [puts his arm on the locker and rests his head on his arm]
Kyle
Cartman, you are poor and you are stupid!
Cartman
[lifts his head up] I know you're trying to make me feel better, Kyle, but a rich smart kid has no place on a racetrack. [goes back to crying]
Stan
Dude, you are so retarded!
Cartman
Thanks, Stan, but even if I was I'd still be too rich.
Kyle
How are you rich?! Your mom pays for everything!
Cartman
[stops crying and brightens up] You guys really think I could do this, don't you? You really believe in me. [smiles]
Kyle
I believe that you're a broke, ignorant idiot!
Cartman
Then maybe I can make myself believe it too. [getting confident] Thanks you guys. I'm gonna go chase a dream. [Stan and Kyle just look at each other.]
Butters' house, some time later. Cartman walks up to the front door and knocks. A smiling Butters walks up to the door and opens it
Cartman
Butters.
Butters
Hey Eric.
Cartman
Butters, the guys have been talkin' to me and well, they've got me pretty pumped up. [pumps both fists] I'm psyched, Butters. I'm about to do somethin' big and [pumps both fists] I'm psyched!
Butters
Ahhh well oh-[pumps his right fist] kay.
Cartman
But [points his right index finger at him] I'm gonna need your help. [points both index fingers at him] Can you get psyched?? Are you gonna get [pumps both fists twice] psyched up??
Butters
Eeyeah, I'm psyched.
Cartman
Get really psyched up, Butters!
Butters
[starts pacing back and forth with energy] I'm really psyched! Yeah! Yeah let's do this alright?! I'm pumped I'm psyched! Alright. Yeah.
Cartman
I'm gonna become a NASCAR driver, Butters. I'm goin' for the gold!
Butters
NASCA- NASCAR?
Cartman
I know, I'm not poor an' stupid enough. But I change that, Butters, [reaches to his left and pulls into view a water jug full of small change] Here, I want you to take all my money. Every bit of it, Butters. Fifty-eight dollars and thirty-two cents.
Butters
You're givin' away all your money??
Cartman
[points] Just get rid of it Butters! Don't tell me where you spend it and don't ever let me have it back. [lowers his finger] From this moment on, I am poor. Like Kenny.
Butters
You sure you want to do this?
Cartman
[points] I told you I'm serious, Butters. [lowers his finger] This is my shot. I'm gonna get as poor an' stupid as I possibly can.
The South Park Mall, evening. A NASCAR display is at the center of the mall, with car and a box of calendars, and a spokesman
Spokesman
Alright folks, we wanna thank you all for comin' out an' supporting NASCAR.
Kenny
[takes a 2011 calendar] (Yeah! How cool!)
Spokesman
Now who's ready for Saturday's big race? [the crowd cheers]
Kenny
(Woohoo!)
Spokesman
We're really excited to be part of the fastest-growing sport in America! [the crowd cheers]
Kenny
(Woohoo!)
Spokesman
I don't know about you, but I'm thrilled to watch NASCAR finally becoming recognized as a respected, legitimate sport. [the crowd cheers]
Kenny
(Yeah! Yeeaahh!)
Butters
[appears, hauling a cart] Hello! 'Scuse me! [the crowd quiets down and looks] I know that you NASCAR people don't have very much. So I went out and bought you all [shows off his haul] fifty-eight dollars worth of canned food and blankets! You're welcome! [turns around and skips away grinning] Heh! I helped the needy! [Kenny watches him leave]
Cartman's house, night, Cartman is on the sofa watching TV upside down. He strapped himself down so he doesn't slip off the sofa. His face is turning red from the blood pooling up under his skin
Man 1
[voice-over] Boy I tell you what, it is raining cats and dogs outside. Mostly cats. [laughter] I just wish I had brought an umbrella.
Butters
Hey Eric.
Cartman
Ahh Butters. Did you give away all my money?
Butters
Yep. You don't have a penny left. [points] You're poor as shit. [looks him over] How come you're hangin' upside down?
Cartman
I need to get stupid, Butters. I'm getting all the blood to rush to my head and watchin' a marathon of Two and a Half Men.
Charlie
Hey- that's a hot girl over there. [giggles]
Jake
Sure she's hot. She's wearing a sweater. [giggles. The studio audience giggles and applauds]
Butters
Feel stupid yet?
Cartman
Not yet.
Commercial - Vagisil
Woman 1
When a woman isn't feeling her freshest, she turns to Vagisil-
Cartman
Aw Goddammit, another Vagisil commercial?!
Woman 1
To stop feminine itching, and relieve vaginal odors.
Cartman
Fucking gross!
Butters
All those ladies have stinky vaginas?
Woman 1
If you develop an allergic reaction, see your doctor. In some cases Vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss.
Woman 2
For the freshest, cleanest feminine area, do what women do.
Cartman
[quickly rights himself and stands up] Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Did you hear that?! [clicks on the remote control to reverse it, then plays and echoes the commercial] "In some cases Vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss." [clicks the remote to pause the playback] Oh my God, Butters... [makes a fist with his left hand] we need Vagisil!
A supermarket. Cartman and Butters are in the feminine hygiene section
Cartman
"Vagisil, Vagisil Maximum Strength, Vagisil Wash, Vagisil Medicated Wipes."
Butters
Gee-whiz, there's Vagi-everythings.
Cartman
Which one do I use to kill brain cells? Well, just buy me one of each of 'em, Butters.
Butters
Wuh- uh I'm buyin'?
Cartman
I'm totally poor Butters. Did you forget?
Butters
But but I uh, I uh, I didn't bring any money, I didn't know I had to buy Vagisil.
Cartman
Goddammit Butters! Alright just... just keep a lookout, I'll try it here. [positions him] Look that way, make sure the cashier doesn't see me. [As Butters keeps a look out, Cartman opens a tube of Vagisil anti-itch cream and begins to swallow it. Then he takes a bottle of wash and chugs that down, following that up with two more tubes, then more products] Is anybody coming?
Butters
No, you're good. [behind them a woman and her daughter walk by and stop to look. Cartman chugs down another bottle of feminine wash]
Cartman
Mm, 'kay, Mm. [throws the bottle away] N-oh, ew, okay, now it's... [grabs a tube of maximum strength anti-itch cream]
Woman 3
Little boy, what are you doing? [Cartman looks over his shoulder, then turns around to look at her. Butters notices and does the same. A few seconds later, Cartman turns away]
Cartman
Oh my God! Butters! [taps Butters' shoulder and Butters turns around] I feel kind of stupid!
Butters
Really?
Cartman
Yes, YES! I'm feeling totally stupid right now.
Butters
That was fast.
Cartman
Grab what you can and let's get out of here. I'm ready!
Race day at Colorado National Speedway. The NASCAR drivers are lined up in two columns awaiting the start of the race.
Announcer
We're just seconds away from the start of the Denver 300. [Dale Evans is shown in his car]
Butters
Excuse me. Mr. Evans, sir? [Dale looks over to his left. Butters is in the pit stop] Your uh, your wife is on the phone and- uh, well- she just got raped.
Dale
What?
Butters
Yeah, she got, she got raped a lot and uhhh- and you gotta go talk to her.
Dale
Oh my God! [gets out of his car, throws down his helmet, and goes to the pit area]
Cartman
[walks towards the car] Sweet. Nice work, Butters. Now go be my spotter so we can win this thing! [puts on the helmet and climbs into the car]
Butters
[now on the walkie-talkie] Eric, are you sure you can do this?
Cartman
[Swallows another tube of Vagisil] Don't worry, Butters, I'm totally poor and stupid. I'm ready for NASCAR.
Announcer
Let the race begin!
Cartman
Let's go NASCAR! [the other drivers zoom past him. He steers the wheel, but realizes] I'm not moving, Butters.
Butters
I think you gotta press the gas pedal.
Cartman
What's that?
Butters
There's like a long pedal on the floor by your right foot.
Cartman
Oh okay. [leans down to press it. He burns rubber and takes off, as "La Grange" by ZZ Top plays] Let's go NASCAR! [he immediately crashes into the wall and tries to power out of it. Suddenly, he turns left and goes back the other way]
Announcer
It looks like the Dale Evans car is going the wrong way!
Cartman
Kewl, NASCAR! Sweet! [the other drivers round the corner and avoid him. Car #78 crashes through the wall and plows up the bleachers. Cartman tries to turn around but goes up into the air and into the pit area. Everyone there gets out of the way. He hits a low wall and goes up into the air again...]
Cartman
[abash] Oh, fuck my ass! [he lands in a lake by the Winners Circle.]
Butters
[on the walkie-talkie and mortified] Eric?
A hospital recovery room, night. Cartman is laid up in bed, and Butters is keeping him company. Cartman's right leg is in a cast and up in a sling
Cartman
All that work... All the effort I put in... I still wasn't poor and stupid enough to win.
Butters
Eric, uh you were as poor and stupid as you could be.
Cartman
[looks away] Don't you get it Butters?! It's never gonna happen for me! Those people are way more poor and stupid than I'll ever be. I might as well kill myself.
Butters
Eric! Don't ever talk like that!
Cartman
I've given away all my money! Drank enough Vagisil to kill every brain cell I have! But it still wasn't enough.
Doctor
[enters the room] Alright Eric, we got the X-rays back.
Butters
How bad is it, doctor?
Doctor
He has two fractured ribs, a broken femur, torn ligaments in both knees, and a level 2 concussion. He also appears to be developing three small vaginas in his stomach, but they are all sparkling clean.
Butters
Well at least there's that.
Cartman
Just pull the plug on me, doctor. I don't wanna live like this.
Doctor
You aren't on life-support. Pulling a plug wouldn't do anything.
Cartman
Aw donkey balls...
Doctor
You're lucky to be alive, young man. Sneaking onto a NASCAR racetrack and hijacking a car for a joyride? That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of a kid doing! [walks away]
Cartman
Thanks, doc, but you aren't gonna make me feel any better.
Doctor
[turns around] No, really. Of all the idiotic dumb ways I've seen kids injure themselves, yours takes the retard cake! [walks out of the room]
Butters
Did you hear that, Eric? See? You are really stupid.
Cartman
Could it be I... only lost the race because I somehow wasn't poor enough?
Butters
It has to be, Eric. [Cartman moves his right leg out of the sling and gets out of bed.] Eric, where are you going?
Cartman
Get me my coat, Butters. We're gonna try this thing again. [Butters brightens up]
Kenny's house, day. Kenny is reading a NASCAR magazine on the sofa
FOX 11 Anchor
You're watching Colorado FOX 11. Next on FOX 11 News, are NASCAR fans stupid? [Kenny looks up] Some people are starting to wonder after a NASCAR fan apparently got high on Vagisil and snuck onto the track, killing eleven people.
Reporter
Tom, the NASCAR fan got into a car here on Sunday and crashed in the lake behind me. He was later found to have ingested this [holds up a tube] Maximum Strength Vagisil. And also Vagisil medicated wipes. Making NASCAR fans look ...pretty stupid, Tom.
Kenny
[closes his magazine and throws it on the sofa in a blind rage] (No! NASCAR fans aren't stupid! Cartman is!)
Reporter
The NASCAR fan vows he will try to do it again, but that this time, he'll win.
Kenny
(Oh that fucking asshole!) [gets off the couch and walks out the front door, vexed] (Oh that fucking asshole, I'm gonna talk to him...)
Cartman's house, day. A vile Kenny walks over to Cartman's house, goes up the steps, and pounds and kicks at the front door until Cartman answers it
Cartman
Oh hey, Kenny! [Kenny is not happy and his arms are crossed]
Kenny
(Dude, what the fuck are you doing?!)
Cartman
Come in dude, I wanna show you what I've been workin' on. [Kenny follows him in. Cartman shows him all the stuff he purchased - a jet ski, a Room-bot, a 7.1 speaker system, a plasma TV, an LCD monitor, a VHS/DVD combo player] Check it out. I thought I could just give all my money away and be as poor as your family, but then I realized: what do poor people do? Buy things even though they don't have money by going out and purchasing things that are 0% down and no payments for two years! That's how you people stay poor forever! Am I right? That's it, right? [Kenny is still pissed off]
Kenny
(Dude, fuck you!)
Cartman
Kenny, I'm just trying to get good at NASCAR.
Kenny
(Being poor has nothing to do with NASCAR!)
Cartman
[annoyed] Hey, I love NASCAR just as much as you do!
Kenny
[apoplectic] (No you fucking don't!)
Cartman
Oh it's sooo easy for you, isn't it, Kenny?! I've had to become poor all on my own, you know?! I wasn't born with a plastic spoon in my mouth!
Kenny
[thinks for a moment] (What?!)
Cartman
I've had to go buy stuff with 0% down and no payments for two years my-self! I didn't have parents to do it for me like you do! [Kenny raises his fists up, but Cartman hugs him with one arm] Look Keh- Kenny, Kenny. We shouldn't be fighting. We both love NASCAR and we're both poor as shit.
Man
[appears at the front door] Uh, excuse me. [Cartman sees him and walks to the door] Eric Cartman?
Cartman
Yeah?
Man
My name is Geoff Hamill. I'm the founder and CEO of Vagisil.
Cartman
...Uh oh.
Geoff Hamill
Young man, your NASCAR stunt has brought a lot of attention to Vagisil and honestly, I don't know how to thank you. Our sales are up and women are finally realizing that their feminine odor can be treated. I first created Vagisil for my wife, Patty. [steps aside to reveal Patty standing halfway out in the yard] She's my Muse, my flame. We realized that NASCAR can do a lot for product recognition and so, Vagisil has a little present... for you. [turns around and walks out, showing off a brand-new Vagisil NASCAR car]
Cartman
Awww, sweet! [runs to the car, then runs his right hand over the body] No way, this is so tits!
Geoff Hamill
Vagisil would like you to represent us in the next NASCAR race.
Cartman
Dude, check it out, Kenny! My very own NASCAR!
Kenny
[angrily in disbelief] (No fucking way!)
Geoff Hamill
And we've modified the cockpit to be operated properly by a child.
Cartman
Aww coool, huh Kenny? [Makes engine revving and shift change noises] I got a NASCAR, Kenny! [Geoff looks at Kenny, smiling] So awesome, huh Kenny? [Kenny can only look on angrily]
A conference room, day. A NASCAR spokesman holds a mic
Announcer
We are now live at the NASCAR press conference, where the drivers of Saturday's race are gearing up and taking questions from reporters.
Reporter 1
So uh what's your guys' take on the track here? Any concerns? [present are Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Jimmie Johnson, Danica Patrick, Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, Eric Cartman, and Matt Kenseth]
Jimmie Johnson
Well I think it's a fine track, you know. The- the techs have done a really good job of makin' sure the banks are grafted down to the right specs and there shouldn't be any problems-
Cartman
[doing a redneck accent and acting completely stupid] Yeah, we like the track, yup. We gotta graft them banks an' specs, it's like an oval, so we're gonna drive straight and then we're gonna be turnin' to the left.
Reporter 2
Uhhh they're saying hot weather tomorrow; any concerns about restrictor plate or brake fade problems?
Jeff Gordon
Of course, any time you're dealin' with high humidity and temperatures you need to compensate your brake fluid, but the plates themselves-
Cartman
Compensate yer blake fluid an' git yer, git yer... b-brake workin' so you can stop sometimes.
Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
Hey excuse me, who is this kid? Is he even a driver?
Cartman
Ewww, bring it on, Earnhardt, you scared of the competition?! I'm just as poor an' stupid as you! I'm gonna drive and I'm gonna go fayast and I'm gonna turn to the left sometimes!
Danica Patrick
Can we just, get back to the subject of racing, please?
Cartman
Uh-ho! Bring it on, Danica! You dumb bitch! Think I can't steer left better than you?!
After the press conference, Cartman meets up with Butters
Butters
You seemed really stupid, Eric.
Cartman
Thanks, B-butts. I really think I can hold my own against these guys. Little worried about that Jimmie Johnson guy though; he seems dumber than spit. And that Danica Patrick chick? Phew! We're gonna need to get even poorer and stupider, Butters. Both of us.
Mick's Lanes. Kenny is at the bar drinking glass after glass of water, looking depressed. On TV, Pardon The Interruption airs
Tony Kornheiser
Alright, from the NFL we now turn to the world of NASCAR! People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted and ignorant statements on his podcast.
Cartman is in a studio of his making; a confederate flag hangs on the wall, a checkered flag with NASCAR next to it hangs above a propane grill (indoors) an unmade bed in the background. He himself looks like he's wasted on Vagisil. He clears his throat and begins recording
Cartman
Alright, what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is pissin' me off! So I'm gonna do some dip and speak my mind. Today I'm gonna be dippin'... [holds up a bottle] Vagisil Regular Strength Anti-Itch Creme. [squeezes some out and rubs it all over his lips] Oh yeah. Yeah, that's a big dipper right there. But I'm pretty pissed off at what I found out. I found out this "Obama" wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! [spits into a can] What the fuck is up with that?! That's fuckin' gay! And he's fuckin' gay as hell! [Kenny buries his face in the counter, in shame. On screen, Butters appears behind Cartman] You all know my pit boss, Butters. [Butters appears over by the grill, also with a mouthful of Vagisil]
Butters
Obama's fuckin' gay.
Cartman
He's fuckin' gay as hell!
Butters
Pissin' me off!
Cartman
[dips again and rubs it on his lips] So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor an' stupid as they fuckin' come, so come down an' cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday! Obama's gay as hell!
Tony Kornheiser
[back to kenny sitting watching TV at Mick's Lanes] Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR really is just for the poor... [sharply] and the stupid.
Kenny
[Kenny has enough as he slammed his fist in anger] (Fuck this!) [leaves the bar, livid]
Saturday at Colorado National Speedway. The Vagisil car is prepared as Cartman sits in it
Commentator 1
The stage is set for what could be the most important race of the NASCAR year.
Commentator 2
Lots of speculation and interest in the Vagisil car, driven by Eric Cartman. We are joined now by the inventor and owner of Vagisil, Geoff Hamill.
Geoff
Thank you, Chris.
Chris
[Commentator 2] Geoff? Why did you decide to sponsor a NASCAR driver?
Geoff
Vagisil is very excited to be part of the NASCAR phenomenon, Chris. You know, I... first created Vagisil to try and help my wife, Patty. She is my Muse, my flame. Wherever Patty goes her smile lights up the room. Her vagina, on the other hand, clears the room and makes it uninhabitable for weeks.
Commentator 1
Ohkay, well the race is about to start, so why don't we kick it back down to the track?
Announcer
[Over the PA system] Gentlemen, start your engines! [the crowd begins to cheer]
Cartman
Alright, "start your engine." What's that mean?
Pit Crewman
That means you flip the switch that says "Engine." [to Butters] Is he stupid or what?
Butters
Yeah, he's a champion alright.
At the Speedway entrance, Kenny approaches the racetrack entrance with a tote bag
Security Guard
Check your bag please, sir? [Kenny hands him the bag. The guard checks the bag and pulls out a long rifle] No, no, see, this won't do. You can't bring a sniper rifle onto the track.
Kenny
(Aww, come on!)
Security Guard
Look, NASCAR is trying to change its image. It's people like you that are givin' NASCAR a bad name!
Kenny
(Aw come on, fuck you!) [enters]
Security Guard
You might be able to buy one in the gift shop. [inside, the cars begin to move down pit lane]
On the track
Announcer
[Over the PA] The drivers are slowly heading out to follow the pace car.
Cartman
[in the redneck accent] Then I'm gonna press the gas pedal and I'm gonna go forward. [does so and rear-ends #78, then back up and swerves onto the track and sideswipes #95 and #78] NASCAR! Yee-ah!
Pit Crewman
This is just the pace lap, you don't go full speed yet!
Cartman
Yeah, just the pace lap! I'm gonna hit the, hit the brake! [hits the brakes and #7 runs into him. Danica Patrick is the driver]
Danica Patrick
[infuriated] The fuck are you doing?!
Cartman
[gives her the middle finger] Fuck you, Danica Patrick! You ain't half as dumb as me! Gas pedal! [steps on the gas and peels away. Other cars pass Danica, whose engine is now on fire]
Danica Patrick
Oh, son of a bitch!
Cartman
Woowee, ain't nobody can stop muhey!
in the sports booth
Commentator 1
And it looks like the Vagisil car has already clipped two other drivers and taken them out of the race.
Chris
Yea, the other drivers are not going to be happy about this. What do you think, Mr. Hamill?
Geoff Hamill
Vagisil is a company that really stands behind its product, Chris. We want women to know that Vagisil is effective, safe for use every day, [looks at Patty and enunciates] Every. Day. [she just stands there] Every. Day. [she looks down and away] ...And available nationwide.
On the track, the racers speeding on each other, Cartman side smashes the #52 car to a wall causing it to spin out
Butters
Be careful up here about a hundred yards, Eric. There's a wrecked car on the right side. [Danica Patrick finally comes out of her car] You're gonna wanna watch for it here. You're gonna wanna watch it over on the right side.
Cartman
Oh yeah, I see it. [Cartman avoids the car, but runs over Danica, who was trying to make it across the track to the field inside]
Danica Patrick
AAAAAA! [Cartman keeps going and ran over her]
Cartman
[looks over his right shoulder, then faces forward again] You see that? Daynicuh Patrick tried to get in my way. That pisses me off!
Butters
That's fuckin' gay as hell.
Cartman
Whoop I'm comin' up on that turn thing again. I got to stayer left. [turns the steering wheel hard to the left and drives through the drivers' eating area and the pedestrians all running and screaming, Cartman ran over most of them and some survived by running from the side] Get out of the way you idiots, I'm tryin' to win this dayum thang! "[Cartman made it back on the track]"
Butters
There you go. You're back on the track.
Cartman
I'm back own the track. [An enraged Kenny makes his way down the bleacher steps towards the track. He jumps onto the track and lands on the Vagisil car. He turns around on the car roof and looks into the car through the windshield, Cartman also enraged as well] What the... Kenny! What the hell are you doing?!
Kenny
[pounds on the windshield] (Stop this car!)
Cartman
[irked] Get off my car, Kenny!
Kenny
[inflamed] (Stop this car right now!)
Butters
Oh man, now our friend Kenny's tryin' to break the windshield. Ain't that just gay as hell? [the #14 car is getting its wheels changed when Cartman barrels into it, causing it to flip over and land on its pit crew, killing them]
Cartman
We're tradin' paint! [further down the track he hits two other cars, which then slammed into each other. Back to Cartman, he's furious] Oh it's sooo easy for you, isn't it, Kenny?! I have to prove myself!
Kenny
[incensed] (I fucking hate you!)
Cartman
[determined and angered] Sorry dude, I'm winning this race! Hit the brake! Bye Kenny. [steps on the brakes, launching Kenny at the end of the track]
Kenny
(AAAAAAAAAAAAAA...) [goes a long distance before the first bounce, then bounces a few more times. Two other cars remain on the track, and they pass Cartman]
Driver
Oh Jesus, there's a little boy on the track. [the two cars swerve just in time, but one crashes into the outer wall, the other into the inner wall, Kenny ducks]
in the booth
Chris
Well it appears that all the other drivers have crashed and only the Vagisil car remains. Looks like you're going to win, Mr. Hamill.
Geoff Hamill
This is such a great day for Vagisil, Chris. Our product awareness will be at an all-time high. Feminine odor must be treated diligently. [looks over at Patty] Very. Diligently. [a look of shock crosses his face. Patty is gone. The cameramen wonder what's going on.] Patty? Patty?
On the track, Patty walks over to the #48 car and pulls its driver out. She climbs in
Announcer
It looks like a woman is trying to take over for Jimmie Johnson's car. [Mr. Hamill and the commentators join him in his booth]
Geoff Hamill
What? [Patty gets the car started and backs up. Determined, she takes off as "La Grange" starts playing again]
Lowes Pit Boss
Ma'am? You are on an active racetrack. This is extremely dangerous.
Geoff Hamill
Let me talk to her. [puts on the pit boss's headphones] Patty? Patty, what are you doing? [Patty skillfully drives the car around the track] Patty, pull over the NASCAR. You're acting irrationally. Patty, did you forget to take your medication? You know how you get when you don't use your Vagisil. There should be some in your purse, my Muse. Patty? [she reaches Cartman and taps his car with Johnson's]
On the track, Patty hits Cartman from behind.
Cartman
Aww! You dumb bitch! Butters, this bitch is tryin' to wreck mah car.
Butters
I know. That pisses me off. That's fuckin' gay.
Cartman
Fuckin' gay as hell. [Patty pulls up to his left, taps him a bit, then pulls away.]
Geoff Hamill
Patty, you are my Muse, and my flame.
Announcer
They are neck and neck approaching the finish line. [This time she bumps him off. Cartman's car spins out then flips up in the air...]
Cartman
[Shocked] Oh, fuck my ass again! [...and crashes upside down into the outer wall. Patty goes onto the finish line, getting the victory for Jimmie Johnson]
Geoff Hamill
[Geoff is frustrated] HAAAAAAAAAA!
Moments later, at the winners' circle. Lots of cheers as Patty Hamill shows off the huge trophy, an angry Geoff walks to her
Announcer
Big celebration for the Lowe's Home Improvement team.
Geoff Hamill
Patty! How could you?! You've ruined us! You've ruined Vagisil!
nearby, Cartman and Butters look on, Cartman's NASCAR racesuit is slightly has ash and his hair as well, while he brush himself off in defeat. Kenny walks up to Cartman and angrily points
Kenny
(HA! You fucking lose!) [crosses his arms in triumph]
Cartman
No, no, Kenny, go ahead. I deserve it. [Kenny is confused] I thought I could just waltz onto a racetrack and do what these people do. But I owe you an apology. The truth is I'm just too smart. And with how smart I am I'll always be successful and therefore have money. I just have to accept I'm too smart and rich for NASCAR. Time for me to give it up. Alright Butters, give me back my money.
Butters
[flabbergasted] Huh?
Cartman
[livid] The fifty eight dollars and thirty two cents I gave you! I want it back!
Butters
Uh, but- but you- you said I had to [begins to stammer, both walk off, as Kenny stares in confusion] s-spend on it on the... buy what I can start buyin' and start way in- bu- so get buy- [unintelligible]
Cartman
Goddammit Butters, you'd better have it! Butters, you're always trying to screw me over!
Butters
But you said to take your money so I took it by [unintelligible] Ah I don't know.
End of Poor and Stupid
  1408: "Poor and Stupid" edit
Story Elements

NASCARVagisilGeoff Hamill • "La Grange"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Fourteenth Season