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The official script for "Pinkeye" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Pinkeye
October 30, Outer Space. Mir Space Station is shown orbiting earth.
Comrade 1
Vladned chaviski. Bodad comrade Dobalsted.
(Propulsion systems stable... No problems with Mir...)
A second comrade, in an alien mask, sneaks up on the first.
Comrade 2
Graaah.
Comrade 1
Ayyy!
Comrade 2
Porchad. Hehe, vlided il chalfeka
(Gotcha, Happy Halloween)
Comrade 1
Shtaad, boded but shtaad.
(You scared me, you communist bastard)
A warning button flashes. The message beneath it reads:
Уфпхзи
Warning
Una Problema
Comrade 2
Oh, shtool.
(Oh...Crap)
Comrade 1
Shtool.
(Crap)
Bus Stop. The boys await the bus. Mir crashes. One end of it falls on top of Kenny, narrowly missing the other boys.
Stan
Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastards!
Cartman
What the hell is that thing?
Kyle
It looks like a UFO.
Cartman
There's no such thing as UFOs.
Sirens wail as ambulance pulls up. Two paramedics go over to Kenny's corpse.
Paramedic
Let's get 'im to the morgue.
They put his corpse in a body bag, then toss the bag into the ambulence and drive off.
Cartman
Hey, wait til you see my Halloween costume tomorrow. It kicks ass.
Kyle
Dude, it can't be cooler than mine.
Stan
Hey man, we gotta get home and get our costumes ready.
They walk off.
South Park Morgue. Outside, an owl hoots, then a crow reaches the morgue's sign and shits on it. Inside the morgue a mortician places a hose into Kenny, blood starts flowing out.
Mortician
You know, I think death is least funny when it happens to a child.
Marty places a hose into Kenny, green embalming fluid flows in.
Marty
Oh, yes, I know what you mean.
Marty pulls out a hot dog, pours Worcestershire sauce on it, and takes a bite.
Mortician
Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?
Marty
I don't know, it ju- it just makes everything taste so...English.
Mortician
Well, let's let him drain.
They walk away. Worcestershire sauce falls over and pours into embalming fluid. Kenny's eyes open, and he gets up.
Mortician
...So then the necrophiliac says, "If this ain't a cadaver then I-"
Kenny busts through a door and takes a bite out of the mortician's head.
Mortician
Hey!
Kenny bites Marty's shoulder.
Marty
Aaah!
Kenny walks away.
Marty
God damn! That little turd bit me!
Mortician
Me too!
Kenny leaves the morgue and an owl hoots.
Bus Stop. Kyle is standing there with a Chewbacca mask on. Stan walks up; his costume consists of red yarn hair and big rosy cheeks.
Kyle
Ha ha, you look like a pansy.
Stan
Shut up Kyle!
Kyle
What uh, what are you supposed to be?
Stan
I'm Raggedy Andy.
Kyle
Hehe. Why the hell did you dress up like Raggedy Andy dude?
Stan
Wendy's going as Raggedy Ann, and she said this way we'd win the costume contest for sure.
Kyle
No way dude. I'm gonna win the costume contest with this sweet Chewbacca costume.
Stan
Wendy said that first prize is two tons of candy.
Kyle
Wow! Cool!
Cartman walks up.
Cartman
Hey, dudes.
Kyle
Cartman! What kind of costume is that?
Cartman
It's Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg Heil, sieg heil.
Stan
Where'd you get that?
Cartman
My mom made it, isn't it cool?
Kyle
No it's not cool!
Cartman
What are you supposed to be Stan, Howdy Doody?
Stan
No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fat-ass!
Cartman
Ohh, heh- wow, you look pretty cool.
He and Kyle laugh.
Kyle
Hehe. Sissy.
Stan
I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Cartman
Oh look out, Holly Hobby's all pissed off!
Kenny's corpse approaches.
Stan
Hey look, Kenny's not dead.
Kyle
You forgot to wear a costume Kenny.
Stan
Yeah, what's the matter? Couldn't your family afford a costume for you?
Kyle
Yeah, why's your family so poor Kenny?
Cartman
Kenny's family is so poor that, yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.
Stan laughs. Kenny does nothing while birds chirp.
Cartman
I said, your family had to put a cardboard box up for a second mortgage, Kenny!
Silence.
Cartman
I'm talking to you Kenny, achtung!
Silence.
Cartman
Poor piece of crap.
Ms. Crabtree's bus pulls up.
Ms. Crabtree
COME ON, WE'RE RUNNING LATE!
Stan
Aah, we're always running late you ugly stank.
Ms. Crabtree
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan
I said, "I can't wait to own a fishing tank."
Ms. Crabtree
Oh, neither can I.}
South Park Clinic. Marty and the mortician are being treated.
Doctor
[á la James Stewart] Very interesting.
Mortician
What, what is it doc?
Doctor
Well, your- your temperature is only 55 degrees, you have no pulse, no heartbeat, and your, your eyes are all puffy and sticky.
Mortician
Oh no, you mean...
Doctor
Yeah, I'm afraid the two of you have - Pink Eye.
Marty and the mortician gasp.
Doctor
I'd give you topical medicine, but I don't wanna touch ya.
Marty
Oh I'm so hungry, and all I can think about eating is, eh, brains!
Doctor
Yeah, well for God sake don't touch your eyes. I'll prescribe some antibiotics.
South Park Elementary. The boys are walking into class.
Kyle
Just wait till everyone sees my sweet Chewbacca costume. They're gonna be so jealous...
The entire class has a Chewbacca mask on.
Stan
Whoa, dude!
Kyle
Everyone came as Chewbacca?!
Mr. Garrison is in drag, Mr. Hat has a Chewbacca mask on.
Mr. Garrison
It sure does seem to be a popular costume this year Kyle.
Mr. Hat
Roar.
Kyle throws off his mask.
Kyle
Dammit!
Stan
Wendy?
Wendy
Hi, Stan.
Stan
You said we were going to be Raggedy Ann and Andy, remember?
Wendy
Yeahhh?
Stan
We were going to enter the costume contest as a pair.
Wendy
I know, but then... I guess I just realized how stupid we would look.
Stan
You what?!
Wendy
I thought you would reach the same conclusion, so, I came as Chewbacca.
Stan bangs his head against a desk.
Bill
Heheh. Heheh.
Fosse
Hey Stan, you look almost pretty enough to kiss.
Bill
Yeah, you want to be my girlfriend? Huhuh.
Stan bangs his head again.
Fosse
Yehaha.
Bill
Huhuh.
Cartman
There, you see? All of a sudden, my costume is pretty badass, huh?
Kyle
Dude, dressing up like Hitler is not badass!
Cartman
You're just jealous! Why don't you go back to Endor you stupid wookie?!
Kyle
Wookies don't live on Endor!
Cartman
[In a mocking voice.] Wookies don't live on Endor.
Kyle
Well at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
Cartman
What?! What did you say?
Mr. Garrison
Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas take your seats. Children, since today is Halloween, I thought we should learn something about the great horror writer, Jackie Collins. You see, when Jackie Collins first wrote her novel-
Kenny's arm falls off and Mr. Garrison stops.
Wendy looks down at it.
Wendy
Eww.
Mr. Garrison
Is there a problem Kenny?
Silence.
Mr. Garrison
Let's try to keep our hands and arms to ourselves, okay?
Kyle
I'm never gonna win that two tons of candy looking like everybody else!
In front of Cartman's House. Liane is decorating the house and yard, and she sings...
Liane

Oooh, I'm gonna decorate the house for Halloween,
with scary ghosts and bats and creepy crawly things...

She places a poster of Richard Nixon (aka Tricky Dick) on the door. Two zombies, formerly the mortician and Marty, pass by.
Liane
Hello there!
Zombie
Uuuhh.
Liane
Happy Halloween!
Zombie Mortician
Must eat brains.
They attack a passer by, eating his brains and tearing his arms off.
Liane

It's the most wonderful time of the year,
do do do do do do do do-

Passer-by
Aaargh!!! Oh my God!!!
The zombies finish him off.
School Cafeteria.
Kyle
I'm gonna make a new costume during recess. I can still win that candy.
Cartman
Hey Kenny, are you gonna eat your pudding? [As Kenny.] No Eric, go ahead and take my pudding, if you'd like. [As himself.] Why thank you Kenny. How nice of you.
Kyle
Aren't you hungry Kenny?
Kenny just sits there.
Stan
He hasn't moved an inch, or said anything.
Chef
Hello children.
Kyle, Stan
Hey Chef.
Chef notices Cartman's Hitler costume.
Chef
What in the hell are you doing dressed up like that?!
Cartman
Eating Kenny's pudding.
Principal Victoria walks up.
Principal Victoria
Hello there, children. Ooh, love the Elvis costume, Chef.
Chef
Elvis? I'm Evel Knievel. Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis?
Principal Victoria
Well, why the hell would you dress up like Evel Knievel?
She turns to the boys.
Principal Victoria
Anyway, I hope that you kids are-Daagh!
Noticing Cartman's costume.
Principal Victoria
Eric, God bless it, what do you think you're doing?!
Cartman
Hey, he said I could have his pudding! Ask him yourself.
As Kenny, poking the side of Kenny's head with a fork for effect.
Cartman
That's right, Principal Victoria. It's okay with me because Eric is cool.
Principal Victoria
Where did you get that costume, young man?!
Cartman
My mom made it. Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil!
Principal Victoria
Sshh! Oh, God bless America.
She grabs Cartman's shoulder; he starts screaming.
Principal Victoria
You get into my office before anyone else sees you. I have to show you an educational video.
Cartman
Eeehh, I don't want to see a educational video-o.
Principal Victoria drags him from the table. Clyde enters the cafeteria with his lunch, and Kenny...
Clyde
Owww, you bit my arm!
Clyde's arm begins to throb and glow.
Kyle
[Pleased.] Oh, good. Kenny's back to normal.
Principal Victoria's office.
Principal Victoria
Watch the video Eric.
She starts up the VCR.
Narrator
Adolph Hitler was a very, very naughty man.
Adolf Hitler
Schnell ach. Lovental bros lieben. Alle Menschen werden Brüder. Doktor Stalin? Alarm! Menchoss? Zellan vei zamboa-
Cartman begins daydreaming of himself as Hitler.
Cartman
Juden est verboten, a den ascriber utz, kapieda hockuh. Juden est verboten, God dammit!
Puffy the Bear
So remember kids, dressing like Hitler in school isn't cool!
Principal Victoria
Now, do you have any questions?
Cartman
[Gleefully.] Could I see that again? That was cool.
Principal Victoria
You must remove that costume, immediately!
Cartman
I can't, I have to win those two tons of candy.
Principal Victoria
Well, how about we make you a new costume. Let's see now.
She spies a white sheet behind Cartman.
Principal Victoria
Aha, thought of something. How about we make you a nice scary ghost costume?
Cartman
[Whining.] I don't wanna be a stupid scary ghost!
Principal Victoria
Aaand, let me just make a few quickie alterations, and there ya go, young man.
Cartman looks suspiciously like a Ku Klux Klan member.
South Park Street. Pack of zombies walks down the street. A pair of joggers are jogging.
Jogger
Ho, looks like they got a touch of that pink eye that's going around.
The zombies attack the joggers, who scream for their lives.
School gym, the costume contest is about to start.
Cartman
Boo! I'm a ghost.
Stan
Oh man, I feel like a total choad.
Cartman
Aw, come on Stan, maybe that's just because you look like a total choad.
Chef
Hello, children.
Cartman
Hey Chef.
Chef
Aaaaah!
Chef runs away
Cartman
Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?
Stan
Hey, where's Kyle?
Kyle bursts in through the doors.
Kyle
Check this out!
Stan
Whoa, dude!
Cartman
What is that?
Kyle
I'm the whole solar system! The planets even all revolve the right way. That tub of candy is as good as mine!
Mr. Garrison blows a whistle.
Mr. Garrison
Okay children, let's get you lined up so the judge can get a good look at your stupid little costumes.
They line up on the stage.
Mr. Garrison
Children, this year we have a celebrity judge, the star of 'Family Ties', Miss Tina Yothers.
Some scattered applause.
Cartman
Who?
Kyle
Dude, I thought she was dead.
Stan
Yeah, me too.
Tina hands Mr. Garrison the results.
Mr. Garrison
Thank you Miss Yothers. Okay, the second place award for best costume goes to... Kenny, for his Edward James Olmos costume.
Tina places a second place ribbon on Kenny.
Mr. Garrison
...And the award for the very best costume goes to... Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume!
Tina places a first place ribbon on Wendy.
Kyle
What?! But she looks just like everybody else. Up yours, Tina Yothers!
Tina looks on shocked.
Mr. Garrison
And the award for worst costume this year goes to... Stan, for his stupid little clown thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children. [Everyone laughs.] Yeah.
Stan
Thanks a lot, Wendy! You ruined my Halloween!
Wendy
Relax Stan. You'll feel better once we're out trick-or-treating.
Stan
I don't wanna trick-or-treat with you. You lied to me.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children. Let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples now. You go first, Bebe.
Bebe begins bobbing for apples.
Mr. Garrison
That's good, just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing.
Clyde
Brainnns. Ahh.
Clyde attacks Bebe, attempting to eat her brains.
Mr. Garrison
Wait your turn Clyde.
Outside Chef's House. Somebody jumps out from behind a bush.
Johnson
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhh!
Chef
Ah! Damn Johnson, what the hell's gotten into you?
Johnson
Piiink eyyye.
Chef
Get the hell out of here Johnson! I don't want no god damn pink eye!
Chef closes the door and sits down to watch TV.
News 4 Special Report, referring to Mir's crash landing.
Tom
...And the President responded to the incident by saying, quote, "Screw those Commie bastards, and screw their little wussy space station."
The backdrop shifts to a pair of pink eyes.
Tom
In other news, a pink eye epidemic is now sweeping the town of South Park. Here with a live report is a midget wearing a bikini.
Cut to Midget, behind which zombies are shown ransacking the town.
Midget
Thanks Tom, already more than half the townspeople here in South Park have been infected with the pink eye virus.
Zombies are shown attacking another townsperson, and generally ransacking South Park.
Midget
Symptoms include a complete loss of heart functions, blood pressure, lung activity, and of course, sticky puffy eyes.
Chef
Pink eye my ass. I've seen this kind of thing before.
At the bus stop, nighttime.
Cartman
Where the hell is Kyle, we don't have all night to wait for him.
Stan
I bet I get more candy than you dude.
Cartman
Are you crazy?! I'm the candy master.
Stan
No, no, you're the ass master, there's a difference.
Cartman
Hey, I'm not the one who walked around all day looking like Pippi Longstocking.
Stan
Oh yeah? Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
Cartman
God damn it, my mom is not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!!
Kyle arrives dressed as a vampire.
Kyle
Hey dudes.
Stan
Oh, good, you're here. Now let's make sure we got everything. Flashlight...
Cartman
Check.
Stan
Plastic pumpkin pails...
Kyle
Check.
Stan
Taser...
Stan lights it up.
Kyle
What's that?
Stan
For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something.
Cartman
Yeah, granola pisses me off.
Kenny arrives.
Kyle, Stan
Hey Kenny.
Cartman
Whew! Eh, you stink Kenny.
Kyle
You still didn't get a costume Kenny?
Silence.
Cartman
Eh, too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.
Silence.
Cartman
I said your dad would be a millionaire, get it?! Kenny?! Your family is poor Kenny!! Your family's poor!!!
Silence.
Cartman
I don't like Kenny anymore, he, he just doesn't communicate.
Wendy
Hi guys.
Cartman
Hi Wendy.
Stan
[Pointedly.] How's your barrel full of candy Wendy?!
Wendy
Oh, I didn't want all that sweet stuff. I gave it away to hungry children in Nairobi.
Cartman
You what?! Are you insane?!
Wendy
Let's go trick-or-treats.
Stan
I don't think so Wendy, I think you've had enough candy for one day.
Wendy
Stan, I'm awful sorry you got dressed up like Raggedy Andy. Please don't be mad.
Cartman
How can he be mad with such pretty hair and rosy cheeks?
Stan
Trick-or-treat with yourself, Wendy!
Wendy
But Stan!
Stan
No buts, Wendy! I wish you were dead!
The boys walk away. Wendy looks dejected. A low moan is heard and a shadow overcomes her.
Wendy
AAAAAAAAAAAH!
South Park Clinic. A patient turns to the side and coughs.
Chef
Doctor!
Doctor
Why, hello Chef. Let me guess, pink eye, right?
Chef
No, no doctor, I've seen this type of thing before. This ain't no pink eye, it's the living dead.
Doctor
What the hell are you talking about?
Chef
Think about it: Dead people getting up and walking around, and Tina Yothers comin' to town? Coincidence?? Oooh I don't think so!
Doctor
Chef, Ah- I think maybe the pink eye has made you a little delirious. Le- let me give you some, some topical cream.
Chef
Damn it, don't you see? These people have been thematized. They got no heartbeat, no feeling. I'll show you. Errr!
Chef tears off Mr. Torres' arm. Mr. Torres is gushing blood.
Mr. Torres
Aaah!
Doctor
Uhh, Mr. Torres was here for a routine check-up Chef.
Chef
Oh, sorry.
Chef tries to replace Mr. Torres' arm.
Chef
But my point is, that topical cream ain't gonna fix what's wrong here.
Mr. Torres falls over, in shock from blood loss.
Doctor
Hey hey, now, now, there, there have been a lot of incredible advances in topical creams over the last few years.
Chef
Doctor, who is the first person to come in here with the sickness?
Doctor
Well, uh, i- it was the mortician and his assistant at the morgue, yeah.
Zombies burst through the doctor's door.
Chef
Aaaaaaaaaah!
Chef leaps out the doctor's window as zombies close in on the doctor.
Doctor
Now, now, now let's, let's form a line, I've got enough topical cream for everybody.
They attack.
Doctor
Ahh!
In front of a House. The kids ring the doorbell.
The Boys
Trick-or-treat!
Kenny's other arm falls off.
Elderly Woman
Ohh, how cute.
Reaches to place candy in Cartman's pail. Kenny attacks her arm with a vengeance.
Elderly Woman
Aaah!
Stan
Dude, Kenny!
Elderly Woman
Oh, My God! Call 911, call 911!
She retreats and shuts the door.
Cartman
Nice going Kenny, she was about to give us candy.
From inside her home.
Elderly Woman
Call 911!
Stan
Yeah, she had Sweetie Pops.
Cartman
You owe me a Sweetie Pop, asshole!
City Hall. Chef bursts into the Mayor's office.
Chef
Mayor, we've got a big problem.
There is a pile of money on the Mayor's desk. Barbrady is presently wearing a garter and fishnet stockings. The Mayor stands up, her blouse in disarray.
Mayor McDaniels
Ugh!
Gets up from under her desk.
Mayor McDaniels
Why, why Chef. What a surprise!
Chef lets out a sigh of exasperation.
Officer Barbrady
You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef
Actually, uh-
Mayor
Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
Officer Barbrady
[Wagging his finger.] Not a thingy-dingy.
Chef
I don't really give a crap! We've got to do something about the living dead!
Mayor McDaniels
You mean, Tina Yothers?
Barbrady and McDaniels chortle.
Chef
No, dammit! I'm talking about the zombies that have taken over South Park!
Officer Barbrady
Well, Evel Knievel, why don't you jump over them with your rocket cycle?
Barbrady and McDaniels laugh.
Chef
[Pissed.] Aw, the hell with you both!
leaves the office.
Mayor McDaniels
Well, let's get back to it.
Officer Barbrady
Righty-o.
The Mayor lies down behind the desk.
Another House, another doorbell. A large individual opens the door.
The Boys
Trick-or-treat.
Dude
Hope you kids like chocolate-peanut butter-cream puffies.
Kenny attacks his shoulder.
Dude
Aaah!
Kenny is literally feasting on this guy. The guy twirls around as he says.
Dude
Get it off! Get it off me!! Gaaah!
He falls down, Kenny takes chunks out of his skull and eats them.
Cartman
Damn it! We'll never get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!
Stan
Yeah! That's it Kenny, you can't trick-or-treat with us anymore!
The boys pass by a house being overrun by zombies.
Somebody
Oh, God!
Yet another house, yet another bell. Three KKK guys open the door.
The Boys
Trick-or-treat.
the Klansmen stare back.
Cartman
Heyy. They're all dressed up like ghosts too.
One of the guys places a single candy in Cartman's pail.
Cartman
One Tootie Bar? You cheap bastards!
Cartman, Kyle, and Stan walk through downtown South Park. Zombies are tearing up the town. Ned and Jimbo can be seen on a rooftop firing at the zombies. Two zombies are playing hot potato with a head.
Female
Oh my God!
A person off to the left is decapitated.
Female
Oh my God!
A zombie picks up a car and drops it on a child.
Female
Nooo!
Chef's House, and the boys ring his bell.
The Boys
Trick-or-t-Aaah!
Chef appears with two chainsaws in hand.
Chef
Get off my property you brain eatin' zombie bastards!
The Boys
Hey, Chef, trick-
Stan, Kyle
Chef! No!
Chef
[Suddenly calm.] Oh, sorry children. I thought you were one of them.
Cartman
Can we have some candy now please?!
Chef
Damn it boy, what in the hell are you doin' dressed up like that?!
Cartman
I'm trying to trick-or-treat God dammit!
Chef
Remind me to whup your ass good next time I see ya. Now, get in here before those zombies getcha!
The kids enter and sit on his sofa.
Stan
What are you talking about Chef?
Chef
Zombies children. South Park is overrun with the living dead. Haven't you noticed anything strange lately?
Kyle
Well, not really, except that Kenny keeps eating people's brains.
Chef
Don't you children see, Kenny's turned into a zombie. Along with everyone else in town.
Stan
Oh my God, that means...
Kyle
If everyone is turned into zombies...
Cartman
Then, there won't be anyone to give us candy!
Stan and Kyle gasp.
Cartman
Aaah!
Kyle
Chef, you've gotta help us!
Chef
I'm working on it children.
Packs the chainsaw.
Stan
Wait, where are we going?
Chef
The doctor said the first people he treated were the mortician and his assistant. Now, I've gotta hunch we'll get to the bottom of this... at the morgue.
Kyle farts. Stan and Cartman laugh.
Cartman
It was Kyle.
South Park Morgue.
Stan
I don't know about this Chef.
Kyle
Yeah, I'm scared.
Cartman
Remember candy, focus on the candy.
Inside the Morgue.
Stan
What are we doing here Chef?
Chef
Just look for anything suspicious.
Kyle looks around the desk.
Kyle
I found it! I found it!
Stan
What?
holding up an issue of Crack Whore magazine, with Liane Cartman on the cover.
Kyle
See Cartman, your mom is on the cover.
Cartman
Eh, shit...
Stan
We told you dude.
Cartman
You guys, shit...
Chef
You better let me take that Kyle.
Chef takes the magazine.
Stan
Hey Chef. Look
Stan and Chef see the embalming fluid, and the knocked over Worcestershire sauce bottle. Chef retrieves the bottle and reads the label, which says:
WARNING!

Not to be used as embalming fluid!

Emergency Hotline

1-800-555-5633
Chef
I gotta call this hotline number children.
Pip bursts through a window.
Pip
Piiink eye!
Cartman
It's the British kid! He's a little limey zombie now!
Pip
Aaah!
More zombies are bursting into the Morgue.
Chef
Look out children!
Four zombies break through a wall. One comes out from a file cabinet. One stands in front of the boys and threatens them. Four more come through the wall next to the window, followed by Kenny. Stan pummels the threatening zombie with a baseball bat and takes him out.
Zombie
Ow, ooh, ow, gowuh-
Stan
Okay Chef, dial the hotline number. Chef?
He looks to his right and sees that Chef is now a zombie, dressed like Michael Jackson in the "Thriller" video.
Kyle
Chef!!!
He begins to dance, and the zombies join him. During the song, the zombies are dancing, as though elaborately choreographed.
Chef

I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead.
My body might get cold, but it's always hot in my bed.
Make looove, don't you be afraid;
Just because my heart ain't beatin', it don't mean you won't get laid.

Wolf howl, then Chef lets loose a howl.
Stan
Let's get out of here!
The boys leave.
Chef opens his jacket.
Chef
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
In the cemetery by the morgue.
Stan
We gotta call that Worcecestershire sauce hotline.
Cartman
Hey, there's a pay phone!
Stan
You call the number Kyle.
Kyle
But the zombies are coming!
Stan
We'll hold 'em off.
Hotline Voice
Welcome to the Worcestershire Sauce customer service hotline. For Worcestershire sauce recipes please press 1 followed by the pound sign. For Worcestershire sauce product placement, please press 2. If Worcestershire sauce has been used as embalming, please pr...
Kyle quickly presses 3 while Stan and Cartman are both wielding chainsaws and being surrounded by zombies.
Cartman
Nobody screws up my trick-or-treats and gets away with it!
He removes the head and arm from one zombie.
Cartman
Aaah, kew!
Stan removes the heads from two zombies at once.
Stan
Sweet!
More zombies surround Stan and Cartman. Zombie Chef is distracted by the issue of Crack Whore Magazine.
Hotline Voice
Worcestershire sauce emergency hotline, this call might be monitored to ensure you the highest quality service, how may I help you?
Kyle
There's a bunch of zombies here!
Hotline Voice
Please hold.
Stan and Cartman are laying into zombies, heads are flying everywhere. Cartman takes one zombie in the groin while Stan is shown removing the head from another. Wendy approaches, Stan turns to see who's next.
Stan
Wendy?
Wendy
Aaahahah!
Cartman
Finish her dude, she's a zombie now!
Stan
I know, but uh-... but...
Cartman
Come on Stan! Remember how she dissed you at the costume contest?
Stan
Hey, yeah!
Stan starts revving the chainsaw.
Hotline Voice
For regular sauce, the first thing you need to do is make sure that you do not just go out and start decapitating zombies left and right. Do you understand? Do not start decapitating zombies left and right!
Kyle
Uh, okay. Then what?
Wendy
Aaahh.
Stan
[Apologetically.] Wendy, I know we had a fight, and I did wish you were dead, but, I didn't mean it.
Cartman
Kill her Stan!
Hotline Voice
All you have to do is kill the original zombie. The one that started the whole mess. Once you kill the original zombie, all the others zombies will turn back to normal.
Kyle
Original zombie? Well, how the hell do we know who the original zombie is?!
Hotline Voice
We realize you have a choice in worcestershire sauces, we are delighted that...
Kyle hangs up and stops.
Kyle
Wait a minute, that thing landed on Kenny, and they took him to the mortuary.
Wendy
Aaah!
Stan
I, I can't.
Wendy
Aaah!
Kyle runs in with a third chain saw and cuts Kenny in half.
Kyle
Oh my God! I killed Kenny! You bastard!
Wendy's zombie look fades.
Wendy
Oh, what happened? Stan?
Stan
Don't worry babe. Everything's going to be okay.
Kyle
It's working! They're turning back to normal.
Chef
You did it children!
Cartman
Ok, let's go trick-or-treatin' now, come on!
Wendy
I'm sorry I dissed you at school like that Stan. I guess I just wasn't very considerate of your feelings.
Stan
That's okay Wendy, I'm sorry I wished you were dead.
Wendy
Maybe we could actually kiss tonight Stan.
puckers up. Stan freezes up and looks ill, then pukes on Wendy.
Wendy
Eww, gross Stan, sick! Barf is gross!
She walks away. Stan just looks on.
Cemetery. The boys are at Kenny's grave. Somber music is playing.
Stan
Oh man, I can't believe he's gone.
Kyle
Yeah, he was too young to be taken from us.
Stan
Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chain saw.
Cartman
Let, let us remember the good times, Kenny would have wanted it that way.
Cartman begins to sob uncontrollably. Kyle tries to console him, but refrains.
Stan
You know, I've really learned something today. Halloween isn't about costumes, or candy. It's about being good to one another, and giving and loving.
Kyle
...No, dude, that's Christmas.
Stan
Oh, then, what's Halloween about?
Kyle
Costumes and candy.
Stan
Oh.
Cartman still wailing, then abruptly snaps out of it.
Cartman
Well, let's go home, start eating that candy.
Kyle
We can eat it at Cartman's house, and see more naughty pictures of his mom.
Stan
Yeah.
Cartman
Knock it off you guys, she said she was young, and needed the money.
Stan
Cartman, those pictures were taken like, last month.
Cartman
Lehh, eh, screw you guys!
Somber music plays again. Zoom in on Kenny's grave. Weird music plays as Kenny, newly sewn together, bursts from the grave.
Kenny
(Heeeeyyyy, kick ass.)
A statue of an angel falls on Kenny.
Kenny
(Ow!)
A moment later an airplane crashes into Kenny and the statue.
End of Pinkeye


  107: "Pinkeye" edit
Story Elements

Kenny McCormickSouth Park Morgue • "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" • "Make Love Even When I'm Dead" • Limey Charles Worcestershire Sauce

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete First Season

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