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Leftarrow "Truth and Advertising/Script" "PC Principal Final Justice/Script" "Member Berries/Script" Rightarrow

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Butters Stotch
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Nathan
  • Leslie Meyers
  • PC Principal
  • Principal Victoria
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Caitlyn Jenner
  • Barbrady
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Shelly Marsh
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Liane Cartmam
  • Stephen Stotch
  • Announcer and David
  • Charlotte
  • Classi
  • Weathers and Johnson
  • Russians

Script

PC Principal Final Justice
The outskirts of Moscow, day. A silhouetted figure is walking away from the city, tightly wrapped to protect against the icy wind and snow. He's dressed for a winter hike. He finds a bar and opens the door, and a bunch of angry Russian faces look back at him. The bar is dimly lit. The figure goes inside and closes the door. He loosens his scarf and lowers his hood. It's PC Principal.
PC Principal
Alright everyone, listen up. I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of hate speech that serves to marginalize others.
Russian 1
[balding, with facial stubble] Is it him?
Russian 2
[with mustache] Yes, it's him. PC Principal.
PC Principal
[walks up to the bar and puts his pickaxe aside, and drinks the glass of water waiting for him] You know, if there's one thing that makes me sick, it's when a race thinks they're superior and don't know how to check their privilege. [a Russian walks up to him and lays a hand on his shoulder. PC Principal responds with a right hook. A second Russian attacks, and PC Principal responds with a knee to the chest and slams him onto a table, which shatters under him. PC Principal then stands over him and stomps on his face, shattering his head to pieces. A third Russian lunges at him with a knife, but he kicks that Russian in the face, then delivers a head butt and snaps his neck in half. The remaining Russians back away. A fourth Russian attacks him, but he breaks that Russian's arm and punches him away. A fifth one attacks, and he punches him away. A sixth one attacks with a cue stick, but PC Principal snaps the stick in two and jabs the thick end into the Russian's right eye. A seventh one takes a shot at him, but he takes the gun and jabs the ax into the Russian's head. An eighth Russian walks up to him, but throws his hands up when PC Principal aims the gun at him.]
Russian 3
I'm not one of them! I'm not one of them!
PC Principal
An African-American flips a turtle over on its back. A transgender Filipino comes and sees the helpless turtle baking in the sun. What color is the Filipino's father? [The Russian doesn't know how to answer] I didn't think you were human. [the Russian lunges at him, but he fires off four shots through the Russian's head and kicks him in the face. He then notices his axe and pulls it out of the seventh Russian's head. He turns around and walks out of the bar.]
South Park Elementary, day. The kids mill around in the hallway. Bebe goes to her open locker, Wendy walks her way, Craig and Tweek walk by holding hands.
Butters
[still in his halo, talking to Charlotte on his iPhone] Yeah, everybody's pretty freaked out over here, baby. Everyone is on edge and feelin' really nervous.
Charlotte
That sounds terrible. Be careful, Butters.
Butters
I will, honey.
Kyle
Butters. [Butters' smile vanishes] Get to the bathroom. Now. [Butters is a bit alarmed]
The boys' restroom, later. Kyle is inside and locks the door. He turns to see the other four boys - Stan, Cartman, Butters, and Kenny
Stan
Alright Kyle, what's this about?
Kyle
Jimmy's dead.
Cartman
What?
Kyle
I know the whole story. PC Principal killed him, and tried to kill Leslie, but she got away.
Kenny
(Are you fuckin' serious, dude?)
Kyle
PC Principal is part of a huge network of radicals who kill everyone who doesn't follow their PC ideology.
Stan
How do you know all this?
Kyle
Because Leslie's with me. I'm keeping her safe.
Butters
Heh, [sing-song] Kyle's got a girlfriend?
Kyle
It gets worse. Someone in this town helped these people come here. That person faked the Bill Cosby joke to get Principal Victoria fired.
Cartman
Who would use a Cosby joke to push their own agenda?
Kyle
I think it's obvious. Stan's dad.
Stan
Kyle!
Kyle
Stan, your dad is one of them. He had to be the one to let them in.
Stan
[gets in his face] You're letting paranoia and suspicion get the better of you! [walks past him, opens the doors, and walks out]
Kyle
There's no way to know who we can trust.
Cartman
So what do we do now?
Kyle
There's only one thing we can do. [turns around] We have to get guns.
Butters
Guns?
Kyle
It's the only way for us to be safe.
Cartman
Kyle, even if we thought it would help protect us, how are we all gonna get our hands on guns?
The neighborhood park, day. The boys are on the basketball court checking out their new guns.
Cartman
Alright, cool, we got guns. So now what?
Kenny
(Now we need to steal a car and escape.)
Butters
I already feel a lot safer.
Kyle
You guys lay low and watch your backs. I'm gonna go keep Leslie protected.
Cartman
Hey! Don't fall too hard, partner. [Kyle smiles and walks off. Cartman poses with his gun] Do I look sweet, Butters?
Butters
[giggles] Yeah.
The Marsh house, dinner. The whole family is present, eating chicken, mashed potatoes, carrots, and garlic bread. Stan looks up at Randy, then gets angry. Randy notices and looks back, then gets in his face
Randy
What?
Stan
What?
Sharon
Can you pass the garlic bread, Randy?
Randy
Why wouldn't I be able to pass the garlic bread? [picks up the bowl and offers it to her. She takes some bread from it, and he sets it back where it was.]
Stan
Dad, where were you last night?
Randy
What, wait. Where was I what? Out, with friends, doing things. [wipes his face clean] Well I'm full. I'm gonna go work in the garage for a little bit. [leaves the table]
Stan
Work on what?
Randy
On stuff to do, things. [reaches back and takes some more food.] Um, oh I'm gonna take some of this with me. I'm still hungry.
Sharon
I thought you just said you were full.
Randy
Jee-sus! What? Am I on trial or something? God-damn! [takes the bowl of garlic bread] You guys are really acting strange. [his mouth remains a bit open as he walks away keeping an eye on the family]
The garage, moments later. Randy enters it and closes the door behind him. Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, and Caitlyn Jenner wait for him at the workbench.
Randy
Alright, we're good. Nobody suspects a thing. [sets the food on the bench, next to a laptop they're looking at]
Mr. Garrison
Take a look at this.
Principal Victoria
We've got everything from PC Principal's hard drive. He was on to the gentrification around the world, and he was convinced that whatever was responsible... wasn't... human.
Randy
Not human? Then what?
Mr. Garrison
I don't care if they're aliens or vampires, we need to round them up fast and fuck them till they're dead.
Caitlyn
You don't wanna fuck a vampire, you'll get hepatitis.
Mr. Garrison
Oh girlfriend, I'm well beyond that. [Caitlyn giggles]
Randy
Oh my God. Don't you see what this means? If something not human is gentrifying the entire world, soon no human will be ale to afford it. They're trying to price our species out of existence.
ShiTpaTown, day. There are lofts there now, just as in SoDoSoPa, and the camera zooms in on one in particular... Nathan and Jimmy are seated around a coffee table in the loft
Nathan
Well? How do you like my new apartment?
Jimmy
What happened to you, Nathan? I always thought you were a nice kid. Now you've got a gun?
Nathan
Huh. Everyone's gettin' one of these now, Jim. Nobody knows whom to trust.
Jimmy
Yeah? Well guns are never the answer.
Nathan
Don't you kinda wish you'd had one back when Leslie betrayed you and nearly beat you to death?
Jimmy
Oh. I guess it would have been a decent answer then. Tou-t-t-t.. touché.
Nathan
You see, I've got expensive tastes, Jimmy. I like good food. [leaves his chair and walks around] Organic pressed juices. And I've got a thing for high-class prostitutes. [stands next to a black woman who's buffing her nails with an emery board.] Have you been introduced to my current girlfriend?
Classi
My name is Classi, with an I, and a little dick hanging off the C that bends around and fucks the L out of the A S S.
Jimmy
Nice to meet you, Classi.
Nathan
All I had to do was work for the ads and I got everything I wanted. My own loft, with all of ShiTpaTown right at my doorstep. All it took was some PC and the whole thing was set in motion.
Jimmy
Oh great. So now ads are using PC for their own gain? That's a new low.
Nathan
What is PC but a verbal form of gentrification? Spruce everything up, get rid of all the ugliness in order to create a false sense of paradise. Only one thing can actually live in that world. Ads.
Jimmy
I know I've said it before, but man, do I hate ads.
Cartman's house, night. He's in the living room watching a movie and eating chips on the sofa. The lights come on and Liane appears at the foot of the stairs
Liane
Eric Cartman, I told you to get ready for bed!
Cartman
Yeah, I just want finish this movie.
Liane
No, Eric! This is a school night!
Cartman
Mom, I'm into this movie. I'm not going to bed right now. Chillax.
Liane
You most certainly are! Right now, mister!
Cartman
I will go to bed [stands up and aims his gun at her] when this movie is over, Mom!
Liane
Eric, where did you get that?
Cartman
Turn off the light and go back to bed. I'm staying up.
Liane
Eric, you march right up to your room, and you-
Cartman
I don't think so, Mom.
Liane
Eric, you get your butt to bed!
Cartman
No means no, Bill Cosby!
Liane
[draws a gun on him] I told you to go upstairs right now!
Cartman
Whoa, Mom, what the hell?
Liane
I'm not going to tell you again, Eric! It is time... for night-night!
Cartman
Mom, put down the gun.
Liane
[advances on him] I am your mother, and you will do what I tell you!
Cartman
Okay, I am going. [walks around her, keeping his gun trained on her.]
Liane
Well then, you go right now, Mister! [keeps her gun trained on him]
Cartman
I'm going to bed now, Mom. Chillax. [begins to go up the stairs backward.]
Liane
Alright then. No comic books, just straight to sleep! I love you, sweetie.
Cartman
Okay, I love you too, Mom. Night-night. [the sound of a door closing is heard]
Liane
[caresses her pistol] Wow, he... he listened. [puts it into her robe pocket and walks towards the kitchen]
Randy's garage. day. He's in there with Victoria, Garrison, and Caitlyn
Randy
There has to be something. Some clue as to what we're dealing with.
Principal Victoria
The news stories PC Principal researched are all so contradictory, as if whatever these things are have control over the news somehow.
Randy
That sounds like vampires to me.
Principal Victoria
We have to find out who had me fired with the Cosby joke. It's the key to knowing what we're dealing with.
Stan
Principal Victoria? [the adults take notice] Mr. Garrison? Caitlyn Jenner?
Randy
Stan, what the hell are you doing in here?
Stan
Tell me what's going on, Dad?
Randy
Nothing. We're just hanging out, talking about Coldplay, alright?
Stan
[pulls out his gun and aims it at the adults. The adults hold their hands up] No! I wanna know what the hell is going on right now!
Randy
What are you doing with that?
Stan
Kyle said I couldn't trust you! What are you planning, Dad?
Randy
Stan, it isn't what you think.
Stan
Then what is it?!
Randy
Look, I need to show you something, okay? You need to see this, son. [slowly reaches into his back pocket as Stan watches intensely, whips out his gun and aims it at Stan] Ohh! Psych! Now put the fucking gun down, bitch!
Stan
I'm gonna go tell Mom!
Randy
Oh yeah? You go tell her! I'll tell her you had a gun! You'll be in more trouble than me! [Stan looks to the door, then at Randy] Stan! I am your dad. Put the gun down and sit over there.
Stan
[runs out of the garage] Mom!
Randy
Shit! [runs after him]
An aircraft carrier at sea. A helicopter drops down onto it and three sailors arrive to greet it. Other sailors stand nearby. The helicopter door opens and PC Principal, in handcuffs, is escorted out by two soldiers.
Weathers
Took a lot to hunt you down, PC Principal. You mind tellin' me why you're goin' around the world shootin' up revitalized arts and foods districts?
PC Principal
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Weathers
Try me!
PC Principal
[faces him] I don't know what they are, but they used me and others like me to try and change this planet.
Weathers
You don't know what "who" are?
Johnson
Sir! The President is on the phone. He wants to talk to you about PC Principal. [PC Principal looks at him as Weathers gets the phone]
Weathers
Yes, Mr. President? I see, sir. Yes, I understand. [lowers the phone and relays the President's orders] We're to release him immediately, no questions asked. And we're not supposed to believe anything he tells us. [the helicopter soldiers come and take the cuffs off him]
PC Principal
Huh, ain't that a peach?
Weathers
He's being set free now, Mr. President. Can I tell the commander why?
Leslie
[in President Obama's voice] This is a matter of national security. [the camera pulls back to show that she's at the Park Motel]
Weathers
I understand, sir.
Leslie
Thank you. God bless you.
Weathers
God bless you too, sir.
Leslie
May God bless the United States of America. [hangs up and puts her phone away, then leaves the bathroom. Kyle is waiting outside]
Kyle
Are you okay?
Leslie
Yeah, just feeling butterflies. And my hands are freezing!
Kyle
Here. [holds her hands to warm them up]
Leslie
Thank you, Kyle. [smiles]
Kyle
Don't worry, Leslie. I won't let anything happen to you. [smiles back and blinks]
The Marsh house. day. He has his gun drawn. Behind him are the living room, Victoria, Garrison, and Caitlyn.
Randy
I'm warning you: you're on the wrong side of this! We're just trying to get answers!
Sharon
[has a gun drawn on Randy] You pulled a gun on our son, Randy!
Randy
He pulled one on me first, Sharon!
Stan
Because you wouldn't talk to me, Dad!
Randy
[aims his gun at Stan] Stanley, let your mother and I deal with this!
Sharon
I told you to leave him alone!
Shelly
God I hate this family! [pulls out her own gun and aims it at Sharon] Why are you always taking Stan's side?!
Randy
[shifts his aim from Stan to Shelly] Whoa! Whoa, Shelly! Put down the gun, Shelly!
Shelly
You're always acting like Stan can't do anything wrong!
Stan
[shifts his aim from Randy to Shelly] She doesn't always take my side!
Shelly
[turns and aims at Stan] You shut up or I swear to God I'll use this!
Randy
Shelly, put it down, now!
Shelly
[shifts her aim to Randy] You don't even try to know me, Dad!
Randy
I want to, Shelly! I just sometimes feel like you hate me!
Sharon
I feel like you hate me, Randy!
Randy
[shifts his aim from Shelly to Sharon] I don't hate you, I love you! I need to be a better husband, [aims at Stan, who aims back] a better father! [shifts his aim to Shelly]
Stan
We all need to be better to each other! [Shelly shifts her aim to Stan, then to Randy, and then to Sharon]
Shelly
Okay, maybe I need to stop being so angry!
Randy
[lowers his gun] I love you guys. [Sharon lowers her gun]
Stan
[lowers his gun] We love you too, Dad. [Shelly lowers hers] We just wanna know what's going on with you.
Randy
Alright. I'll tell you everything. [caresses his gun] Wow, these things are amazing. [all the while Grandpa Marvin just ate. He didn't pull out a gun, and none was pulled on him.]
Jimbo's Guns, day. He's getting a lot of customers. Thomas and Laura Tucker enter. Inside are the Stotch, the Stevens, the Testaburger, and the Rodriguez parents. Clyde is there with his dad. Jimbo is behind the main counter, Ned is behind a side counter. An elderly woman approaches Jimbo
Jimbo
Alright, Mrs. Farnicle, enjoy, and remember: if the safety's on, you're good as gone. [Mrs. Farnicle leaves with her purchase] Okay, and next customer, please. [Officer Barrady, in civilian clothes, steps up with his purchase] Hah, going for the big one, huh? You must be feeling extra jumpy.
Officer Barbrady
You don't know the half of it.
Jimbo
[prepares the shotgun for him] Well, this thing should make you feel more at ease. You know, you ought-ta check out the gun show.
Officer Barbrady
The gun show?
Jimbo
[pulls up a sign and shows it to him] Yeah, it's gonna have everything! And with guns bein' so popular, practically everyone in town is gonna be in attendance!
Officer Barbrady
The entire town in one location? [this spooks him] Oh my God!
A Park Motel bathroom. Leslie is inside on the phone
Leslie
The principal has become our biggest problem. We need a news headline that will draw him back to town.
Nathan
[in his loft, away from Jimmy] Oh, you're gonna sponsor my content some more, baby? I'm all ears.
The Lofts at ShiTpaTown. While Nathan talks to Leslie on the phone, Jimmy chats up Classi
Jimmy
I've got to get to the Super School News. Hey, Classi, you think you can get me my crutches?
Classi
Mah, I don't think Nathan would like that.
Jimmy
You seem like a reasonable person. Do you really wanna live in a world controlled by ads? I mean, come on, Classi.
Classi
No. It's C-Lasssi, with an I. The little dick that hangs off the C fucks the L out of the ASS. CL-ASSSI.
Jimmy
Sorry, my bad. Look, I'm a news reporter, Claaassi, and in a world where ads control the news, there's no way to be sure anyone is ever hearing the truth.
Classi
Truth about what?
A Park Motel room. The blinds are drawn and Kyle peeks through the slats
Leslie
We can't just hide, Kyle. We have to let people know PC is the enemy before it's too late.
Kyle
Leslie, we don't know who is on their side. We have to stay safe.
Leslie
The principal is going to try and make up some crazy story. That's what PC people do. You have to get in front of everyone and tell them what you've learned.
Kyle
I... [turns aside and walks off] gave up giving speeches.
Leslie
But why? I came to you because I had heard how good you were at getting messages across. That and because... [smiles] I thought you were cute.
Kyle
I'm sure I'd have no problem giving a speech if you could be by my side.
Leslie
Well... I can't go with you, you know. It's too dangerous.
Kyle
Not if we go somewhere that's completely safe from any violence.
Leslie
Where?
Kyle
The gun show.
Leslie
Gun show?
Kyle
There'll be so many guns that nothing bad can happen.
The Marsh house. Randy has brought the laptop to the table. Victoria, Garrison, and Caitlyn join him around the dining room table as Shelly and Grandpa eat, and all their guns are on the table
Sharon
Someone purposely had Principal Victoria replaced with a new principal?
Randy
Yes. They wanted to use his PC as a means to start gentrification in our town.
Mr. Garrison
That'w why we thought PC Principal was behind it. But now we know they were just using his PC abilities to service their own needs.
Randy
When the pussy-crusher story came out in Super School News, it started to make PC Principal question himself. He started digging for answers. They didn't like that, so they tried to distract and mislead him. With this. [the distractions begin] Sorry, that's an ad for McDonald's, hold on. With... this. Oh. N, oh, there's that ad again. God these things are annoying. Anyways, whatever these beings are, they try to keep anyone from knowing the truth from [another pop-up ad] Ugh, I don't wanna see a slideshow. PC Principal said something was trying to divert and distract his subconscious mind with this. [The US-Thailand article comes up, with the accompanying State Farm ad. Stan gets a good look at it]
Stan
Wait... That's Leslie. [walks away from the table] Oh my God... It's Kyle.
Mr. Garrison
Kyle?
Stan
Kyle has been protecting Leslie. They're together. He's been making everyone feel paranoid and saying you're the enemy, Dad.
Randy
[rises from his chair] Well then, it's time to go ask Kyle why he sold out his own kind.
Principal Victoria
How will we get him to talk?
Randy
We're going to kill him with kindness. But instead of kindness we're going to use guns.
Mr. Garrison
Yeah!
Stan
Yeah!
Randy
Come on, let's go! [everyone grabs a gun and heads out the front door. Randy looks at Shelly] Shelly, you take care of Grandpa!
Shelly
Oooo-kay! [aims her gun at Marvin's head and Randy realizes what she's doing]
Randy
Nonono, don't shoot Grandpa, just literally take care of him. [follows the others outside and hops into Caitlin's car with them.]
Caitlyn Jenner
Buckle up, buckaroos! [starts the car, backs out of the driveway, and runs over an elderly woman and her dog. The dog is unscathed, but the woman is dead and mangled up]
The Lofts at ShiTpaTown. Nathan walks up to Jimmy and hands him a copy of the school paper for tomorrow
Nathan
Here it is, Jimmy. Hot off the presses.
Jimmy
What is that?
Nathan
The newest edition of Super School News, hitting the streets tomorrow.
Jimmy
Tragedy at gun show? What happened at the gun show?
Nathan
Not what happened, what's going to happen. The final sweeping underneath the rug. By this time tomorrow nobody will be asking questions ever again. The ads will have won. And I will be... The man.
Classi
I think the ads are playin' yo' ass.
Nathan
[slaps her across the face] Shut up Classiii!
Classi
Oh heeelllllll no!
Nathan
What?
Classi
Oh hell no! Yo' Down's Symdrome ass just slapped me! I'mo break your dick off! [picks him up and slams him into the glass wall that doubles as a window]
Nathan
Hang on, Classi, I'm sorry.
Classi
[punches him] I will bust yo' fuckin' ass! [punches him] I will bust yo' fuckin' nose. I ain't no Mimsy, asshole! [punches him] I'm a classy bitch! [punches him] And I do not! [punches him] Want ads! [punches him] Controllin' my news! [punches him. He groans as she lets him drop to the floor and walks away. She brings Jimmy's crutches to Jimmy]
Jimmy
Classi! Thank you.
Classi
You need my help? You got it!
Jimmy
I need your phone to call Officer Barbrady. And we have to get to that gun show, fast!
Classi
Quick! To the Classi mobile! [they leave the loft and hop into her car, and finally drive away]
The South Park Gun Show. The show's sign and trophy are shown onscreen.
Announcer
Welcome back to the South Park Gun Show. We've had over 2000 gorgeous guns come through this arena today. It's been whittled down to seven, the winners from each group. David, take us down theh line. [the seven are: Stephen Stotch, Fr. Maxi, Mayor McDaniels, Jimbo Kern, Linda Black, Ryan Valmer, and Richard Adler]
David
First we have the beautiful Yorkshire 33mm with proud owner Stephen Stotch.
Announcer
An absolutely gorgeous gun, David.
David
The playful and lovely Australian semiautomatic owned by Father Maxi.
Announcer
And there's the Mayor with her delightful Rhodesian ridgeback shotgun-rifle mix.
David
That's a favorite of the crow here. Always a favorite at these shows.
Cartman
That's a nice gun right there.
David
The judge now asking to see that Yorkshire 33mm up close.
Announcer
And there it is, just a beautiful gun in motion. Everybody loves it. [Stephen starts to prance aroundn with it, then returns to his mark. The crowd applauds its approval.] Looks like the judge wants to take another look at that shotgun-rifle mix. [The Mayor takes out a clicker and prances around with her shotgun-rifle mix. She returns to her mark and Jimbo takes his turn]
David
And next up will be the-
Randy
Nobody move! [enters the arena with Garrison, Victoria, Caitlyn, Sharon, and Stan]
Mr. Garrison
Everyone just stay where you are!
Announcer
And it looks like the gun show is under attack, David. [everyone in attendance gets their guns and arms them.]
David
Yes, six armed gunmen have entered the arena, one of which is carrying an absolutely gorgeous little Pekingese Glock 17.
Randy
Listen to me, everyone! There are beings who are purposely gentrifying the Earth so that humans can no longer afford it! We've been looking for Kyle Broflovski! Somebody's hiding him! [the spectators begin pointing guns at each other]
Kyle
[enters the arena at the far end with Leslie] Don't listen to them! The real conspiracy here are the PC extremists who have no problem killing whoever doesn't think like they do! [faces Stan] You son of a bitch Stan! How could you have sided with the enemy?!
Stan
Fuck you, Kyle! You're the enemy!
Jimmy
[enters the arena at the near end] You both got it wrong. [he's wtih Classi and Barbrady]
Kyle
Jimmy?
Mr. Garrison
Officer Barbrady?
Randy
Classi?
Sharon
[aims her gun at randy] Randy??
Jimmy
Kyle, I know you probably thought Leslie was a kind, caring girl. But the truth is she's just an ad.
Randy
An ad?
Officer Barbrady
They've become sentient, They've taken human form. You can't tell what's human and what's an ad anymore.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, Jeez, are you serious?! How am I supposed to fuck an ad to death?!
Randy
Woah, flippin' ads! They're such a pain in the ass!
Kyle
You told me Jimmy was dead.
Stan
So now we know who got Principal Victoria fired!
Mr. Mackey
[looks around, then jumps out of his seat] Nobody move! Okay?! Everyone just stay where you are!
Randy
Mackey?
Mr. Mackey
Yes, I wanted Principal Victoria fired! But I didn't want any of this!
Principal Victoria
You got me fired?! Why?!
Mr. Mackey
Eighteen years of answerin' to you! EIGHTEEN YEARS! Of you always... tellin' me what to do!
Principal Victoria
If you had problems with me, why didn't you just talk to me?
Mr. Mackey
You never listen!! Nobody listens to me! They just expect me to listen to them!
Gerald
Maybe we should have realized that sometimes the counselor needs counseling.
Mr. Mackey
I don't know, maybe I got manipulated by these ads too somehow but, I should have been a better person!
Randy
We all could be better people! All of us! We all played a part!
Stephen
Maybe from now on people in this town need to communicate more! Care about each other!
Mr. Garrison
If we're gonna defeat our enemies, that's what it's gonna take! All of us, together! [with all the speeches done, they lower their weapons]
Randy
If only we'd had these before, huh?
Leslie
[now isolated] Every time you block us, we get smarter. Every time you try to stop us, we are more. If one plan fails, we will plan another. You will never be rid of ads!
PC Principal
HEY LESLIE! [she look to her left] Your species took PC and twisted it for evil purposes. [he runs towards her and drops the mic] THAT PISSES ME OFF! [he reaches her and delivers a right hook, then a left one, then does this again. He picks her up like a rag doll and holds her by the neck] You're expelled. [he delivers a final blow that goes clear through her head, but instead of blood, a day-glow blue liquid oozes out of it]
Cartman
Yes, dude!
Randy
Well, I guess there's just one last thing to take care of.
ShiTpaTown, day. The town has gathered in front of Whole Foods.
Randy
Why did it have to be like this?! Why couldn't we try to live on this planet together?! Maybe we're not perfect beings, but we built a better town. We didn't need you to do that! And we'll keep on trying to make it better!
Sharon
Randy, you're yelling at a Whole Foods.
Randy
Go on, get outta here! We know! Others will know! [holds up the latest edition of the Super School News, which has Leslie on the front page under the headline "YOUR FRIEND MIGHT BE AN AD"] It isn't going to be so easy! Not anymore! [the ground begins to rumble underfoot and the sidewalk begins to crack open. The Whole Foods lifts off like a flying saucer, turns around, and flies away]
A flag blows on a pole, presumably outside of the school.
PC Principal
Alright everyone, listen up. I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of all the hate speech and micro-aggressions against our species. [a series of popup ads floats by] We have a new enemy out there. An almost invisible foe that is so bigoted, so racially biased they actually think we should all die. [a boy is shown at his computer at home, watching as ads fill his monitor] They are trying to attract our youth using tactics that are underhanded and unfair. [PC Principal is shown holding a school assembly as he had in earlier episodes] But no matter how hard they hit us, we cannot let them take from us our PC. And so I have been asked to stay on as your principal. A lot of changes will happen in the coming months. [Caitlyn puts a Garrison/Jenner pin on Mr. Garrison's lapel and straightens his tie. Then they bump fists and Garrison goes onstage] The bottom line is that the only thing that distinguishes those who want to kill us from those who don't is that we have the burning desire for social justice. We are at war, but the only way to win this war is to be as understanding, non-biased, and politically correct as possible.
Stan
This is going to be really hard.
End of PC Principal Final Justice
  1910: "PC Principal Final Justice" edit
Story Elements

CLASSiThe South Park Gun ShowLeslie MeyersThe Lofts At SoDoSoPaNathanJimmy ValmerJimbo's GunsWhole Foods Market

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Video

Release

South Park: The Complete Nineteenth Season

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