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Script

Not Funny
In front of Park County Police Station. A crowd gets riled up while Harrison starts a speech.
Harrison
Everyone calm down, please. We have to have civil order. Listen to me.
[crowd stops chattering]
Unknown person
Really?
Harrison
Now I know everyone's scared, but we have to keep control. Yes all of our emails and Internet histories are about to become public knowledge.
[crowd chatters]
Harrison
[raises his arms] But, but,
[crowd stops]
Harrison
we all need to understand that TrollTrace will never happen if people don't log on to use it. The website is a massive database that cross-references everything ever said on the Internet. It relies on people typing in a name and address of someone else [lays arms on stand] to add to that database. If we could all agree to resist the urge to look up other people's Internet histories, [looks at Maggie] Maggie, okay? As long as we all respect each other's privacy, darling, [looks straight ahead] then our town won't suffer the same fate as Fort Collins.
Stephen
And what are the police gonna do to make sure people don't use it?! I know I'll certainly respect others' privacy, but about other people like [points at Laura] Laura Tucker the Blabbermouth?
Laura
Excuse me?
Harrison
And that's why we have to come together as a community, and resist any temptation to use TrollTrace, [looks at Maggie] Maggie. We have to stay in control. [looks in front of him] This hack of our city will never happen, so long as we rely on the rationality and the basic decency of the American people.
[crowd panics and runs away]
Harrison
Guess I could've worded that differently.
Kyle's room. Kyle sits on bed with his head lowered while Sheila stands near the doorway.
Sheila
[yells] What were you thinking?! How dare you outright defy me like that! Your brother was being punished for using the computer and you decide to just leave with him?
Kyle
I just felt bad for him, ma.
Sheila
You felt bad for him, after all the horrible things he said to people online?! Your brother is a sick troll, Kyle! You just wait until your father gets home! [leaves the room and closes the door]
Ike's room. Ike sits on his bed miserably. He suddenly gets a Skype call from Gerald. Ike goes to his computer and accepts the call.
Gerald
Ike, where the fuck have you been?! Daddy needs your help. You don't want Mommy and Daddy to get divorced, do you? [paces] You know how bad your mom is, she completely overreacts to everything. That's where your brother gets it from. You don't want to be like Kyle, do you?
Kyle
[goes in front of the computer] Hi dad.
Gerald
[gets shocked] Hey, buddy! Everything good there?
Kyle
It was you, this whole time. You're the troll that caused all of this trouble.
Gerald
No, it was your brother. I don't know what's wrong with him, Kyle. He needs counseling...
Kyle
Heidi Turner did an emoji analysis. It was an adult. It was you.
Gerald
[starts talking right before Kyle finished] Shh, shh. Shh, shh. Okay, keep your voice down.
Kyle
[talks softly] Why dad? Why did you do this?
Gerald
Because it's fucking funny, Kyle. It's called having a sense of humor, and laughing. You should fucking try it once in a while!
Kyle
Putting a penis in the mouth of a mom who has cancer is funny?!
Gerald
Because it's so not funny, God! Pushing people's buttons to get a reaction can actually be very good for society, Kyle. Listen to me, the Danish are fucking crazy. You have to get people to stop them.
Kyle
How?!
Gerald
Go get people riled up. Call the President. I don't know. When you push people's buttons, they go and push other people's buttons. Now get out there and... [ends call]
Sheila
[enters Ike's room and yells] Kyle, Ike! What the hell is this?! What did I say?! Get off of that computer riiight nooooow!
Ike
[puts his head down]
Outside of SpaceX. SpaceX is surrounded by a barb-wired gate in which a crowd of people get riled up behind it, with some trying to climb.
Secretary
Uh everyone, please listen! We don't have any rockets going to Mars! Yo-you're not listening! We don't have the energy requirements figured out yet. We're working as hard as we can. There's a little girl working on the people right now and apparently she's incredibly smart and funny.
SpaceX:laboratory. Heidi stares at a large white board filled with charts and equations.
Cartman
[walks to Heidi with mug] You got it figured out yet, babe?
Heidi
[grabs mug] Babe, I have no idea what any of this means.
Cartman
Heidi, yes you do. You just have to get over yourself. Come on, say it. Say it.
Heidi
Girls rule, women are funny, get over it.
Cartman
[does a one-sided hug on Heidi] Get over it, baby. Stop holding yourself back.
Heidi
[sighs]
Elon Musk
Uh excuse me. Sorry, can we have a word please?
Cartman
[yells at Elon Musk] What the fuck do you want?! [talks to Heidi] Hang on, babe. [runs towards Elon Musk]
Elon Musk
This doesn't seem like it's gonna work out and we're rather busy.
Cartman
Just give her a chance. [turns around] She's the smartest, funniest girl on Earth.
Elon Musk
I haven't really heard her say anything funny.
Cartman
Yeah, [points at his own head] that's because you have a mental block, Elon Musk. [lowers his arm] They won't let you get over yourself.
Butters
[sits on chair, watching the conversation] He-heyeah! Don't worry about Heidi, she's a hoot.
Cartman
[faces Butters with a mad face]
TrollTrace: vault. The vault door gets unlocked.
Dick
Here they come.
[Dane 2 opens the door as Bedrager, Dane 1, Dane 4, and him enter. The trolls stand up]
Gerald
Oh thank god. There's been a mistake, okay?! I'm not one of [points at the other trolls] them. My son is Skankhunt42. Go online and see, he's still doing it!
Dane 2
[points a gun at the trolls]
Bedrager
All of you, remove your clothes.
Anonymous821
What are you gonna do with us?
Bedrager
Remove your clothes now!
[the trolls strip themselves naked]
TrollTrace: Observatory room. The entrance door opens.
Dane 2
[enters] In here, move.
[trolls enter the room in a line where they are put on separate chairs, handcuffed]
Gerald
[gets frieghtened] Oh god! Oh god, they're gonna [gets kicked by Dane 5] kill us! No no, wait! Okay okay, it was me! You're right, I'm Skankhunt! But I am not like them. Please, [gets put on a chair] I have a good job! I'm a good guy! [gets handcuffed] I'm sorry! [sighs heavily] I was just being funny! I was trying to make people laugh! [sees the Danes leaving the room] That's a positive thing, right?! I wasn't doing it to hurt people, I was just doing comedy. It's different! Please, it's different!
[the door closes]
South Park Church. Maxi makes a speech to people praying.
Maxi
Lord, we look to thee on this to our most trouble hour. We have been let astray and now all we could do is wait for the inevitable to happen. Soon everything we have said and done online is going to be known to all. Many lives will be turned upside down. Of course, I have nothing to worry about; since I'm a priest, there's nothing I'm ashamed of doing on the Internet, so [turns a page] definitely no reason to look up my history. But uh for many, this is a time to pray.
Everyone
[speak in unison] O'Lord, please forgive for things we might have done online.
Harrison
Maggie.
Men
Please try to understand that even some of us who were on MatchingMavis.com, it was only out of curiosity, and not because we actually having an affair. Please understand that we might have used racial slurs, but only because it was to a close friend and never meant to be public.
Kyle
[enters with Ike] What are you all doing?! [walks closer to the priest] Somebody's threatening your way of life and you all are just sitting here praying, like uh a bunch of babies?
Ike
[follows Kyle] Like a bunch of pussies!
Kyle
Come on, this isn't South Park! What's happened to us?! We used to have a challenge and deal with it, then move onto the next one. Now we've just been dealing with trolling and Internet stuff over and over, week after week; and I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty sick of it.
Randy
Yeah.
Kyle
[stands on a step near Maxi] Now for once let's take a stand and try to end this. We can't let Denmark change who we are.
Randy
Yeah, fuck Denmark.
Prayers
[speak after one another] Yeah!
Kyle
You guys need to, you know, call the President and get him to take action.
Prayers
[speak in disappointment] Aw!
Stephen
The President? He won't listen to us. He hates us now.
Randy
No, [stands up] but there is somebody he will still listen to.
The Pentagon: Diplomatic Strategy room.
First General
Mr. President, we're looking at global destabilization blinked we've never seen. Countries everywhere are terrified their Internet may be hacked.
Garrison
Well what do they want me to do about it?
Second General
You're the leader of the free world. Everyone's looking to you to be the call and steady voice they all need.
Army Soldier
[salutes] Mr. President? Mr. President, the Isreali prime minister is on Line 1, the chancellor of Germany is on Line 2, and a Mr. Slave is on Line 3.
Garrison
Mr. Slave? [picks up the phone on Line 3] This is the President.
Mr. Slave
[talks at his house while looking at his fingernails] Hey, what's up?
Garrison
Well well well, crawling outta the woodwork to try and get me back now that I am a big cheese?
Mr. Slave's house is shown to have other South Park residents.
Mr. Slave
No, I'm calling because people want you to bomb Denmark.
Garrison
Who wants me to bomb Denmark?
Mr. Slave
Lots of people 'cause it's like gonna ruin their freedom of speech or something.
Garrison
Mr. Slave, this is all very complicated, diplomatic stuff, okay? You can't just go bombing other countries.
Mr. Slave
Oh Jesus Christ, you're such a little bitch.
Garrison
Oh I'm a bitch, huh? I happen to be President, bitch!
Mr. Slave
You're a little bitch, President. You're too scared to bomb anybody.
Garrison
I'm not scared, my advisors have told me that I...
Mr. Slave
Yeah, you're scared, just do what your little advisors tell you to do.
Garrison
If I decide a military strike on Denmark is warranted, then I will...
Mr. Slave
You don't have the balls to bomb them, pussy.
Ike
Pussy ass bitch.
Mr. Slave
Pussy ass bitch, fuck you.
Garrison
Oh [rambles] okay! You think so, huh?! Well watch this you gay asshole! [yells at the generals] Bomb Denmark!
First General
Sir?
Garrison
[turns around] The TrollTrace building or the whole fucking thing! Whatever it is, get the missiles ready!
Mr. Slave
[talks to others in his house] Yeah, it worked.
Kyle
Alright!
[everyone else cheered]
SpaceX. Butters walks to the men's room.
Butters
[talks to woman employee walking by] Hello. [enters the bathroom]
Cartman
[enters the men's room and sees Butters using the urinal] What are you doing?
Butters
[talks to Cartman] Going pee!
Cartman
I mean what are you doing here calling my girlfriend funny? You better back off! You don't even know her, your just saying it! How do you even know she's funny?!
Butters
Because you keep on telling everyone she is.
Cartman
Butters, Heidi is everything to me. If you take her, I swear to god...
Butters
Eric Eric, trust me! I want nothing to do with girlfriends! [walks closer to the toilets] I know what girlfriends do; they make you feel happy like you never felt, then they crawl up inside of you and poop out your heart.
Cartman
What are you talking about?
Butters
That's how it ends, Eric. Girls get you to feel for them, make you think they're the best thing in the world, and then they leave, move on to the next thing; and you're left there crying, with your heart covered in poop.
Cartman
Not Heidi, she's different. She's really smart, and really funny.
Butters
Sure buddy, sure.
Ike's room. Kyle and Ike read the news on the computer.
Kyle
Officials have stated that all communication with Denmark has end, and that a military strike on the country is now imminent.
Ike
Yay!
Kyle
The President stated that since then...
Sheila
[enters the room] Are you serious right now?!
Kyle & Ike
Augh! [get off the chair]
Sheila
[yells] Get off that computerrrr!
Kyle
Ma, we were just using it to look at the news.
Sheila
I don't care, I said no computers! You kids are addicted to the Internet! You're sick, and you're addicted! It's changed your brother, and now it's turning you against me, Kyle!
Kyle
I'm not against you, mom.
Sheila
You are! Your father goes away on business and all you do is defy me at every turn! The next time you defy me, it will be your last! Do you understand?!
Kyle & Ike
Yes, mom.
Sheila
And when your father is home from Denmark, you two are both going in for counseling.
Kyle & Ike
[in complete shock] Denmark?
Kyle
What is dad doing in Denmark?!
Sheila
The government sent him over to do paralegal training, so it would've nice if you could've shown a little support! [leaves the room and shuts the door]
Ike
Ohhh shit.
TrollTrace: Observatory room. The trolls are handcuffed and seated, facing the panels. Gerald is sobbing.
Gerald
[whimpering]Oh God! [continues whimpering]
Anonymous821
Will somebody shut him up?
Dick
Skank. Skank, get ahold of yourself
Gerald
You were right, Dildo, when you said I was a dick, when you called me an asshole. I am. And now I'm going to die alone, just like you said (starts crying again)
Dick
Come on. You're not an asshole
Gerald
[sobbing] You said I was, though, 'cause I only trolled to be...funny.
Dick
Well--Well, maybe being funny is just sort of how you deal with serious subjects.
Gerald
[sobbing] Really? You don't think I'm a bad person? I'm sorry. All you guys, I'm sorry
Trolls
That's okay. Okay, Skank. All right
Gerald
[calling out to TrollTrace staff] Excuse me. Hello?
TrollTrace: monitoring room. Bedrager is looking over a TrollTrace employee's notes, while the trolls are shown on the monitor
Gerald
Could I please speak to the person in charge? [Bedrager hears Gerald and walks over to the monitor] I have something to say. [security camera zooms in on Gerald] Please, just for a moment?
Bedrager
[stares intently at the monitor with the other employees] Bring him to the conference room
SpaceX:laboratory. Heidi continues to stares at a large white board filled with charts and equations. Cartman walks over and observes her from a distance
Heidi
[sighs], Dude, I am so not getting this.
Cartman
[walks away in shock]
SpaceX: Upper level walkway. Butters is leaning against the railing.
Cartman
[walks towards Butters and then leans against the railing] I just don't understand it. She's always been really smart before. And hilarious.
Butters
Don't feel bad about getting duped, Eric. Its happened to all of us.
Cartman
[Yells] Nobody's been duped! Stop suggesting that she's being manipulative. Why would she want to trick me?
Butters
The truth is girls hate us, Eric. They're sick of our shit. And one day, they plan to make us obsolete, stick us underground where we just get milked for our semen. Boys' only hope is to start over on Mars.
Cartman
[turns around and yells] That's ridiculous. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Heidi is the smartest, funniest person I've ever met. I'm not being tricked. And I'll prove it to everybody!
TrollTrace: Conference room. Bedrager is eating a meal while two Danes stand guard.
Gerald
Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for talking to me. I just really needed to get something off my chest. I'm so sorry. I had the biggest epiphany about the damage I've done, the people I've hurt, but the fact of the matter is I'm not really a troll. [Bedrager continues eating and not paying attention to Gerald.] I actually have a job. I'm a lawyer. I've got a loving wife and great kids. Uhm, I've got a family that really misses me and needs me.
Bedrager
[continues eating and not looking at Gerald] Freja Ollegard, the volleyball player, had a family, too. They miss her quite a lot too.
Gerald
And that--that is so tragic. And I'm so sorry that she was driven to kill herself by trolling. It's--It's wrong. But, you know, I just sort of set things in motion. See, I'm a satirist. I challenge people's point of views by being sort of edgy. [Bedrager stops and hears Gerald out] And sometimes, people can be like "Whoa!" and mistake that for hate, but its not hate. Its pointing out hypocrisies in out society.
Bedrager
You're so full of skinkinslat I can smell it from here.
Gerald
If you say mean things and you're mean, then I agree, you should be killed. But if you're being funny, which spreads joy --
Bedrager
You really think my plan is to kill you?
Gerald
It's not?
Bedrager
[To the two Danes standing guard] Leave us. [shoos them away with his hand] Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
[The two Danes walk out of the room.]
Bedrager
[In a sinister tone] Do you want to know what's really funny?
The Pentagon: Diplomatic Strategy room. Staff is running around and Mr. Garrison is eating a tub of ice cream.
First General
Mr. President, the bombers are en route to Europe.
Second General
Are you sure you want to proceed with this?
Garrison
[Licking his ice cream spoon]Yeah, yeah. Bomb the shit out of them. We have to be tough here.
Army Soldier
Mr. President? Mr. President, the Grand Duke of Luxembourg is on Line 1, the Chairman of the Worker's Party is on Line 2, and Kyle is on Line 3.
Garrison
Oh geez. What does Kyle want.
[Walks over to red phone and picks up the receiver]
Garrison
This is the President
Kyle
[in his bedroom, with Ike] Mr. Garrison, you can't bomb Denmark!
Garrison
Oh, for Pete's sake, Kyle.
Kyle
It's--It's wrong and it could start a bigger war.
Garrison
Kyle, this is all very serious diplomatic stuff, okay? You can't understand the political complexities involved here.
Kyle
[Looks at phone in shock and then thinks of an answer] I understand that you're a dipshit little gay puppet.
Garrison
Excuse me?
Kyle
Letting your ex-boyfriend manipulate you 'cause you miss his sweet ass.
Garrison
Who told you that?
Kyle
Everyone knows that. You only do what your little bitch boyfriend manipulates you into doing.
Garrison
Kyle, I am the President.
Kyle
You're a little dipshit president.
Ike
With a dirty...asshole.
Kyle
With a dirty asshole.
Ike
And...you shit out your dick.
Kyle
And you shit out your dick. [covers phone with hand and looks at Ike] Where did you learn to talk like this?
Ike
Daddy!
Garrison
Oh that's what people think, huh? Well, maybe I won't bomb Denmark. What do you think about that?
Kyle
Yeah, you will, because you're a little retarded shit bitch.
Garrison
[Yelling] God fucking damn it [slams receiver] Hold up! Hold up on the fucking bombs a minute!
Outside of SpaceX. A large crowd is making noise and still trying to get in
SpaceX:laboratory. Heidi continues to stares at a large white board filled with charts and equations, with Elon Musk and his staff observing. Cartman walks up to her from behind
Cartman
[Nervously] Hey, babe. Uh, how's it going?
Heidi
[Stares intently at white board, not paying attention to Cartman] I don't understand what any of these symbols mean, so in my head I'm trying to replace them with something I know to try and see patterns.
Cartman
[Wipes his nose] Okay, cool. Uh, babe, you remember that funny thing you were saying about soup the other day. What was that again?
Heidi
And when I do that, I can see how everything lines up except for one thing.
[As Heidi continues staring at the board, the formulas start changing into random emojis]
Heidi
[Thinking] I call it [echo] "Emoji Analysis" [the formulas keeping changing into emojis as the echo continues].
Cartman
Do you--you remember that funny voice you did at McDonald's? You were like "Could you--Could you hand me my water," or something. I can't--I can't remember.
Heidi
These two don't line up, babe. The only things that are out of order.
Cartman
Or the time you said the thing about clouds and I was laughing so hard--What was that again?
Heidi
[Turns to Elon Musk and his staff] Excuse me. Is it possible that the seventh line from the right and the third one up from the bottom left are out of sequence?
[the Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker review his clipboard notes]
SpaceX Employee
I'm sorry?
Heidi
That stuff there. Its in the wrong place. It needs to come before that.
[the employees review their notes again]
Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker
[Looks at his laptop] Wait a minute. She might be on to something here
Cartman
Okay, okay, now could you just do the "my vagina" thing for them? Could you just say "my vagina"?
Heidi
[Turns around and runs towards Elon Musk] They're out of sequence! I'll show you! [Cartman looks on in shock as she leaves]
Cartman
What the fuck is happening?
TrollTrace: Conference room. Gerald is sitting at the conference table as Bedrager stands by a cart with wine and wine glasses.
Bedrager
[picks up an empty glass] Do you remember, Mr. a-Skankhunt, when you and your little buddies trolled the entire country of a-Denmark?
Gerald
And that was wrong, too. I certainly want to apologize for that.
Bedrager
[pours himself a glass of wine] That was certainly a display of the power of a-trolling, wasn't it.[turns around to face Gerald] But, what would be even more impressive?
Gerald
I-I don't understand.
Bedrager
What if you could troll the entire world? Somebody who could rise to political power through nothing more that pushing people's a-buttons and getting them all riled up, become the leader of...a Scandinavian country, perhaps, get them to listen to you when, actually...[speaks with an American accent] you're not even fucking Danish.
Gerald
No way.
Bedrager
Use that country to create a machine that relies on the shittiness of people to fuck over other people and watch the whole world go completely batshit.
[Bedrager walks over to a microphone and starts talking over the P.A. system]
Bedrager
[speaking with a Danish accent] Attention all a-TrollTrace workers. Please report to assembly hall one for a big announcement. [speaking with an American accent] Completely fool everyone [sits at table with Gerald] and keep your real intentions completely anonymous.
Gerald
You would--deliberately start World War III, let the people of Denmark die, set everyone on Earth against each other? Why?!
Bedrager
Because its freakin' hilarious! Getting a Scandinavian country to fight trolls by building a giant machine that actually shows everyone on Earth is kind of a troll, too?
Gerald
That's not funny.
Bedrager
That's not funny?! Don't be a fag, dude! That's real bro shit there. Sorry to step on your fucking dicks in the mouth and tit jokes, you amateur little pussy. Come on! Have some fucking balls!
Gerald
You can't do this to people! It's not right!
Bedrager
[chuckles] Listen to you. [picks up microphone from under the table and starts talking in a Danish accent again] All right, everyone. Show's about to begin. [clicks on remote]
TrollTrace: Assembly hall. Employees standing around, waiting for the show.
[Two Danes try to access a door with their access card, but are denied access and try manually opening the door with a crank handle. The wall panels slide back and show the remaining trolls in the Observatory room, who can also see the TrollTrace employees.]
Dick
What the fuck is going on?!
[The trolls and TrollTrace employees look at each other, before an overhead project starts up and a countdown begins on the panels. The music video for "Never Gonna Give You Up" then starts up]
Music video
Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you.
TrollTrace Employee
Uh-oh.
["Never Gonna Give You Up" continues playing in the background]
Dick
Wow. That's pretty impressive.
TrollTrace: Conference room. Bedrager quickly walks out of the conference room as Gerald tries to stop him.
Gerald
Waaiitt!!!
[Bedrager smiles as the doors shut and he slides his access card to lock the doors, trapping Gerald inside. He tries to break the glass doors open as Bedrager happily walks away.]
Ike's room. Ike is looking out the snow covered window with a candle nearby
Kyle
[standing in the hallway] Ike...It's time. [walks up to Ike] I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through with this, but its the only way now.
Ike
I know.
Kyle
Just remember--I always loved you, little brother.
Ike
I love you too, big brother.
Kyle
Let's...just get this over with.
Sheila's bedroom. Sheila is reading a book in bed. Ike comes up to her door and she notices him
Ike
Mommy?
Sheila
Yes?
Ike
Suck my balls. You're a fat bitch. [runs off]
Sheila
[angrily] Whhaaatt! [tosses book aside and jumps out of bed] You get back here, you little monster!
[Ike hops down the staircase and runs into the kitchen with Sheila behind him]
Sheila
[yelling] I have had it with you! Don't you run away from me, Ike! Who do you think you are?! [runs into the kitchen and sees Kyle standing there] Where is he?! Where is your brother?!
Kyle
He's in the pantry.
Sheila
[yelling] Don't you try and hide from me now! You are in big trouble now, Ike! [She continues on into the pantry before Kyle shuts the door on her and puts a chair against it] Whaaatt! What, what! Kyle, you open this door right now. [starts to pound her fist on pantry door]
Kyle
Ma. Mom, we are really sorry...
Sheila
[yelling] Open this door! [continues pounding on the door]
Kyle
But Ike and I have to do something and we have to be able to use the computers
Sheila
[yelling] What,what?! No computers! Do not touch the computers! [continues pounding on the door]
Kyle
We have to do this, Mom. Its the only thing that can save our family now.
Sheila
[continues pounding on the door] You are done! You hear me?! You are both done! [screams]
End of Not Funny
  2009: "Not Funny" edit
Story Elements

Skankhunt42 • "Never Gonna Give You Up"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Video

Release

South Park: The Complete Twentieth Season

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