"No Substitute" is a song sung by Jerome "Chef" McElroy in the Season One episode, "Tom's Rhinoplasty".


Chef tries to flirt with the substitute teacher named Ms. Ellen. He soon figures out his advances will not work like they do on other women, mainly because she is a lesbian.

An extended version of the song appears on Chef Aid: The South Park Album, which combines "Oh Kathie Lee" and the chorus from "No Substitute".


Nobody could take your place
No way they could match your face
No, you got it going on in a way so clear
I just wanna buy you a beer
Or maybe tonight at seven thirty or something
I could er... come and er... pick you up in my car
(No substitute) No substitute for you,
(No substitute) No baby there's...
(No substitute) for you girl
(No substitute) for you now
You know that it's true
(Not substitute) There's just no substitute for you.

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