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Mystery of the Urinal Deuce/Script

< Mystery of the Urinal Deuce

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Leroy
  • Mrs. Garrison
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Principal Victoria
  • Mr. Adler
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Police Officer
  • Detective Yates
  • Roger Donovan
  • Skeeter
  • Randy Marsh
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Richard Tweak
  • Frank and Joe Hardly, and their father
  • Man from 911truth.org
  • President George Bush
  • Donald Rumsfeld
  • Dick Cheney

Script

[South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade classroom, day. Mrs. Garrison launches into her lesson]
Mrs. Garrison: And so, class, that is when Joe Lee countered back to Aniston and said things like- [the door opens and Mr. Mackey enters the classroom, looking quite pissed. Mr. Mackey walks by Mrs. Garrison without saying a word] Oh hello, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: [faces the class] All the girls go out in the hall please? I need to speak with the boys of this class, m'kay? [the girls leave their seats and go into the hall] Boys, we have a very serious problem! I've just come from the men's restroom, and somebody went number 2 in the urinal! [Mrs. Garrison's jaw drops at the behavior, then she gets concerned. The boys just blink at Mr. Mackey]
Butters: What's a urinal?
Stan: A wall toilet for peeing in.
Mr. Mackey: And some jokester took a poop in it! Okay? Now I want whoever did it to come forward right now, and it will be less painful for everybody! M'kay?!
Jimmy: Who would take a d-dump in a urinal? It's such a s-senseless crime.
Cartman: Mr. Mackey, I think you might want to entertain that this is some kind of conspiracy, just like 9/11.
Kyle: Oh God, here we go again! 9/11 was not a conspiracy, fatass!
Cartman: Oh really?! Do you just believe everything you're told, Kyle?
Mr. Mackey: Excuse me!! Could we get back to the issue, please?! You all don't seem to understand how serious this is!! Now who made dookie in the urinal?! [the boys just laugh] Oh, you think it's funny, huh?! M'kay! M'kay! You're gonna think it's real funny when the police get here!
[Men's- er, Boys' Room, later. The police are in there with Mr. Mackey. Police tape has been placed around the urinal]
Officer 1: I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, but there just isn't really any evidence to go on.
Mr. Mackey: But there must have been some motive. Nobody would just dook in the urinal for no reason.
Officer 1: But who would benefit from crapping in the urinal? Uh this is too big a mystery for me. I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys.
[A montage of the Hardly Boys follows. The following titles appear: The Secret of the Lost Tunnel, The Hooded Hawk Mystery, The Clue of the Broken Blade, The Mystery of the Spiral Bridge...]
Narrator: The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers with a knack for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: [the cover of book 37 is shown] The Mystery of the Urinal Turd.
[The Hardly Boys are now with the police officer in front of the boys' room. Mr. Mackey observes nearby. The Boys have screwed-up smiles, suggesting buck teeth]
Officer 1: So, that's it, Hardly Boys, we've got no leads and nobody admitting to the crime.
Frank: That sure is a mystery.
Joe: Yeah, it sounds super-hard.
Frank: Whoever did it must have been angry with the school. Oh... Oooo... I think I'm getting a clue.
Joe: F-really?
Frank: Yeah, this is totally giving me a clue right now.
Joe: [turns to Frank] Oh... I'm starting to get a clue too.
Frank: My clue is kind of pointing this way.
Joe: [moves to his left, to where Frank's clue is pointing] Ohhgh. Yeah, now I've got a total clue.
Frank: I've still got a raging clue.
Joe: [turns right] My clue's pointing over there now!
Frank: Oh, let's follow that clue! [move off to the right and away from the boys' room.]
[The school bell rings and the kids pour out into the hall]
Stan: Did they find out who crapped in the urinal yet?
Kyle: Not yet.
Cartman: They aren't going to find out who did it. But they'll make up a scapegoat, send him to detention, and make us all believe it. It'll be 9/11 all over again.
Kyle: Will you shut up about 9/11!
Cartman: Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?!
Kyle: Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!
Cartman: Oh really? Well did you know that over one-fourth of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one-fourth of Americans are retards?
Kyle: Yes. I'm saying one-fourth of Americans are retards.
Stan: Yeah, at least one-fourth.
Kyle: Let's take a test sample: There's four of us, you're a retard, that's one-fourth.
Cartman: ...There are soo many people who know the truth, Kyle. Uh Butters! [sees Butters walking towards the group]
Butters: Hey, fellas!
Cartman: Butters, do you think 9/11 was just a plot by some angry terrorists, or do you think there was some kind of coverup?
Butters: Well, I heard that 9/11 was caused by President Bush.
Cartman: Aha! Do you see?
Kyle: Where did you hear that?
Butters: [points] From Eric.
Cartman: I rest my case.
Kyle: [walks up and stands next to Butters] Butters, you don't really believe that, do you?
Butters: Well, l-uh, I mean, uh, you never know. Uh, the government does some pretty spooky things. The government and the corporations headed by the Jews that tear down 9/11.
Cartman: That's right, Butters.
Kyle: Goddamnit, you see what happens when you spread this stupid crap, fatass?
Cartman: What? People see the truth?
Butters: Can I go now?
Cartman: You guys are blind! I can't believe that everyone here is just buying into what they're told by the media! [begins to move away from the boys] I'm gonna go find out the truth. I'm gonna blow the lid off this whooole 9/11 conspiracy once and for all! [goes around a corner and disappears]
Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh no...
[Montage. Cartman exits the school as the camera is in a position to watch him pass under the U.S. Flag. Next, he scours the Web for information on 9/11. He looks at the sites with a critical eye. Next, he goes to the library to find more in-depth information. Among the books Cartman is reading are "Security Tyrrany" and "How the Towers Fell." He goes up on a hill and sees the whole town laid out before him. He returns to the boys' room and analyzes the urinal. He makes himself some tea and watches a video on his computer that stops right before the second plane hits and presents a big red question mark. He's making notes on something while sitting in the armchair... it turns out to be a picture of the urinal with the deuce still in it.]
Cartman: It is wrong for me to ask questions?
Is it wrong to seek the truth?
I just can't blindly accept their version.
I can't base my logic on proof.
Almost all the evidence points one way,
But I'm like Charlie Sheen and Gloria Estefan:
I need to know what really happened
On 9/11-leven-leven-leven-leven.
What really happened
On 9/11?[He's back at his computer once more and clicks on his mouse]Of course. It's so obvious. How did we not see it before?
[Next day, Mrs. Garrison's class is again in session. It's Show and Tell day. Leroy walks up to the front of the class and presents his topic.]
Leroy: This is my frog. He doesn't have a name. He's a frog not a toad because toads don't ribbit. I think frogs are good pets. [he gets a smattering of applause from the other kids, then goes back to his seat]
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, thank you, Leroy, thanks for sharing your dumb little frog with the class. Okay, anybody else have anything for Show and Tell?
Cartman: [raises and waves his hand] Uh! Erh, eh. Uhhh!
Mrs. Garrison: All right, Eric, you can go next.
Cartman: [leaves his seat and goes to the front of the class with his laptop.] For Show and Tell today I have brought... [puts on some glasses] ...my shocking Powerpoint report on the truth!.. [removes the glasses for dramatic effect] behind the 9/11 attacks! [the lights go out and a projector is turned on]
Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh Christ...
Cartman: [his first image is that of the Twin Towers] We are told to believe that the fire from the jet fuel melted the steel framing of the towers, [the image gets animated as a cross-section of a wall is picked apart and the steel girders shown, which led to their collapse.] which led to their collapse. But did you know jet fuel doesn't burn at a high enough temperature to melt steel? [the other kids look at each other. Kyle's eyes are half-closed, showing his disinterest] We were told the Pentagon was hit by a hijacked plane as well, [a picture of the Pentagon with the damage clearly visible. A helicopter hovers nearby] but now look at this photo of the Pentagon. The hole is not nearly big enough. And if a plane hit it, where is the rest of the plane?
Clyde: Whoa...
Cartman: So now, the inevitable question: if terrorists didn't cause 9/11, who did? [he begins to use his fingers to show the numbers as he says them] Remember that there are in fact two towers. Two minus one is one; one one - 11; two minus one is one; one one, and there are nine members on Silverstein's board of directors. That's nine-one-one. Nine-eleven. And take 2 - 1 + 9/11 and you get 12, which leads us all to the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks. [click. Kyle now appears superimposed on the 9/11 picture already onscreen]. Kyle!
Kyle: Me??!
Cartman: Twelve contains the numbers one and two, just like the toilet yesterday where somebody went number two instead of number one! And one and two with 911 and you get 914! Drop the 4 and it's 91! Exactly the score Kyle got on his spelling test twelve days after 9/11! Who has the most to gain from 9/11?! Kyle! Who was nowhere to be found the morning the towers fell?! Kyle! Who dropped the deuce in the urinal?! Kyle! But probably the most damning of all is the evidence seen in this photo of Tower 2! [clicks, and another shot of the Twin Towers is shown] When I zoomed in I saw what first appeared to be a blur, [he zooms in on the picture, which just becomes pixilated] but when I computer-enhanced it, [the pixilation disappears as the picture sharpens - it's a drawing of an evil Kyle with a large, sharp knife in his right hand] You almost got away with it, you sneaky butthole.
[The bell rings again and the kids once again enter the hall. The camera looks towards the front doors. Kyle walks toward the camera and scratches his nose.]
Kyle: Hey Token. [Token does not respond, but just watches him walk by. Kyle stops by Butters and Craig] You-you gonna watch the game tonight, Butters? [Butters is suddenly scared]
Butters: Waaaah! [drops his book and runs away. The other kids just stare at Kyle]
Kyle: All right, all right, I was not responsible for 9/11! [the other kids move away quickly] God-damnit!
[Kyle's house, after school. Kyle walks in through the front door, upset. He slams the door shut behind him. Sheila is cleaning the coffee table in front of the couch]
Sheila: Hello bubbe, how was school today?
Kyle: [stops in front of Sheila, to her left] Terrible.
Sheila: Oh, come on, school isn't all that bad.
Kyle: But, everyone thinks I was responsible for 9/11.
Sheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?!
[A PTA meeting, later]
Sheila: We have to do something! It is obvious our children are still completely confused about 9/11!
Principal Victoria: Yes, we need to go over it again in the classroom so they understand what really happened.
Skeeter: Well, what really happened? There's strong evidence that what we were told isn't the truth.
Other men: Oh no, oh brother, oh God.
Mr. Adler: [stands up] That's right. Did you know that there were explosions seen at the base of the towers?
Other men: Oh no, oh God, that's so retarded.
Mr. Mackey: [stands up] Look, what-ever you believe, the fact of the matter is somebody... dropped a dookie in the school urinal, and there's still no explanation for that!
Sheila: Mr. Mackey, there are more important things going on here!
Mr. Mackey: More important?! You aren't the one, who had to walk into the boys' bathroom, okay, after having tuh, to wake up early, you know, there's no, no coffee in the teachers' lounge, and then you, you walk into the bathroom just to find a big dook laying there in the urinal! Like it's laughin' at you!
Jimbo: He's right! The turd could have been put there to cover up 9/11!
Mr. Mackey: No, I'm not saying they're related!
Randy: [rises] How do we know they're not? We need to be brave enough to ask questions! [makes a fist]
Skeeter: It's obvious that before we go any further, we need to find out who was behind 9/11 once and for all!
Richard: Who else could it have been?
Det. Yates: This is too big a mystery for me. I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys.
Mr. Mackey: Oh no, not the Goddamned-
[A montage of the Hardly Boys follows. The same music and montage as before are played]
Narrator: The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers with a knack for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: [the cover of a new book is shown] The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.
[Police headquarters. Det. Yates has a post-9/11 picture with a circled question mark where the towers used to be.]
Det. Yates: So that's about the long and short of it, Hardly Boys. There were two towers that stood right here, [shows off the question mark] and they're gone.
Frank: And nobody knows who's responsible?
Det. Yates: There are theories, but, nobody's certain.
Joe: Nnnn, who would benefit most from two buildings disappearing?
Frank: Ooo... oh, I just started getting a clue.
Joe: Really?
Frank: Yeah, I'm totally getting a clue.
Joe: Oh... Oh, that's giving me a clue. Yeah, ye-yeah, I've got a raging clue right now.
Frank: Mine's pointing to the left.
Joe: Oh F-, oh Frank, seriously, I have such a raging clue right now, I think we'd better follow it.
Frank: Okay, let's follow your raging clue.
Joe: Oofff.
Randy: [watches them walk away] Godspeed.
[Kyle's house, night. The front door opens and Kyle looks out. A couple of agents look back at him from their car parked out in front of the house. One looks both ways to make sure no one is coming while the other looks at his watch. Kyle move away from the entrance and closes the door softly]
Stan: [appears suddenly in the living room] Kyle!
Kyle: [jumps] Aaaah!
Stan: Dude, do you mind telling me why CIA guys [looks around] are coming to my house and questioning me about you??
Kyle: I don't know, dude. It's like everyone's putting pieces together that aren't there.
Stan: Well why did you have to involve me??
Kyle: It's not my fault.
Stan: All right, look, I've been doing a lot of research on the Web and I found an organization who says they can prove you weren't involved in 9/11.
Kyle: Really?
Stan: Come on. We'll go out the back so they don't see you. [moves off, then stops and turns around] There's just one thing I need to know before we go: you weren't responsible for 9/11, right?
Kyle: ......Dude.
Stan: [mulls it over] That's all I needed. [turns around and heads for the back door. Kyle follows.]
[South Park Elementary, next day. The bell rings and the students are all in the gym. Mr. Mackey addresses them]
Mr. Mackey: Now you might all think I've given up finding out who crapped in the urinal. M'kay? And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. This, is Mr. Venezuela [walks up to a school janitor, who's a Latino with mop and bucket in hand], the school janitor. Okay? [the fourth graders are shown with some kindergartners in front of them] He's the person... who has to clean up... when some trickster... drops a dook in the wrong toilet! Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best! Okay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works, he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay, then he walks into the boys' room and sees a big meaty chud starin' him in the face! [the sixth graders are shown seated to the left of the fourth graders] So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well have just dropped your pants, and laid a turd right on top of Mr. Venezuela's head! [the kids laugh] Oh, you think it's funny, huh?!
Mrs. Garrison: Mr. Mackey! [he and Principal Victoria enter the gym] We got him.
Mr. Mackey: Huh?
Mrs. Garrison: We caught the person that did it.
[Somewhere... A taxi drops Stan and Kyle off in front of a large house. They walk up to the front door and Stan knocks.]
Stan: Hi, we were hoping you can help us. My friend is being blamed for 9/11.
Man: [wearing a 911truth.org T-shirt] Aw geez. Come on in, kids. [the boys enter. A model of the towers stands on the coffee table while the computer displays a 9/11 Web page. The rest of the office is littered with 9/11 stuff] It doesn't surprise me. More and more people are being blamed for 9/11 every day.
Kyle: They are?
911truth Man: Yeah, it a way of keeping people from seeing the real evidence. I know it seems crazy, but 9/11 was pulled off by our own government, so they could gain support for attacking the Middle East.
Kyle: What? No no no.
911truth Man: I know it's hard to believe.
Stan: Dude, why would the government attack its own buildings?
911truth Man: It's called the False Flag policy. Make it look like the enemy attacked you. Get all your citizens riled up and waving American flags. Then you're free to invade any country you want.
Kyle: ...That's retarded.
911truth Man: [sits at his computer and starts typing away] Look into the evidence of 9/11 and you'll see there are a lot of holes in their story.
Kyle: There's a lot of holes in the Theory of Evolution too; it doesn't mean it's wrong.
911truth Man: You don't understand! The government controls everything. The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here, look! [grabs two large glass jars and hands them to Kyle] Read the labels on these! Go on, read them!
Kyle: [reads the labels] Code 234
911truth Man: We think they came from a government office.
Kyle: What is it?
911truth Man: It's anthrax.
Kyle: Anthrax?!
911truth Man: Someday we'll use it as evidence against them.
Kyle: Stan, we can't be seen with this nutjob! [at that moment the house is raided by Chicago cops. The doors and windows fall away as they rush inside. An ambulance and a lot of police cars wait outside as a helicopter hovers overhead. Kyle stands with the jars of anthrax, sure that he's in big trouble] Aw, aw, awww!
[Mr. Mackey's office, day. He's addressing the guilty party...]
Mr. Mackey: Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?
Clyde: I don't know. [looks away as Mr. Mackey gets up, walks around the desk, and stands behind him, to his left]
Mr. Mackey: You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room. [walks behind Clyde to the right side. Clyde looks away and to the left] Then you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it layin' there for everyone to have to look at! [Clyde tries hard to contain his laughter] Okay okay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown rag doll! [Clyde grins, then bursts out laughing. The door opens and Principal Victoria looks in]
Principal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, that's good! [Principal Victoria walks away. Mr. Mackey addresses Clyde again] Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poopscapade! [The Donovans show up] Come on in, please. I'm just trying to get your son to explain why... he would drop a dook in the urinal!
Mr. Donovan: Mr. Mackey, there's something you should know...
[The White House, day. Stan, Kyle, and the man from 911truth.org are brought into the Oval Office by the Secret Service. The President's staff awaits.]
Kyle: Eh-xcuse me, there's been a misunderstanding.
Donald Rumsfeld: Come on in, Mr. President. [President Bush comes in through one of the side doors]
Kyle: Uh, Mr. President, my name is-
Bush: SSHHUUDDUUPP!! You think we don't know your name?! We know everything! We control everything! [walks to his desk] We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret! But you just had to keep digging!
Kyle: [quite surprised] Really?
911truth Man: You won't get away with it! People know!
Bush: People? You mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more... leak... [pulls out a pistol and his voice gets sinister] to fix... [the Secret Service agents take the 911truth man to the President]
911truth Man: Wait. What are you doing?
Bush: [leaves his desk and cocks the gun] You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.
911truth Man: No! You can't do this! [Bush grabs him by the collar] Please! I'll stop. I'll take down the Web site. I'll sto- [the President sticks the gun into the man's mouth] Oh no! Oh no!
Bush: Too late. [squeezes the trigger once and the bullet goes clear through the man's head. The 911truth man is dead]
Stan: JESUS CHRIST!!
Rumsfeld: [Condoleezza Rice stands to his left] Hahaha. He died like a pig.
Bush: [wipes the blood off his clothes and skin] Some pigs never learn.
Kyle: [in sheer disbelief, cocks his head right] No. Way.
Stan: He was right. You DID cause 9/11.
Bush: Yes. Quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers. Then on 9/11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked.when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania, then flew two military jets into the World Trade Center filled with more explosives, then shot down all the witnesses of Flight 93 with an F-15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a Cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly-executed ever, ever.
Kyle: [ever more incredulous, cocks his head left and lower] ...Really??
Stan: Why?!
Bush: [smiling, he begins to pace] Oldest reason in the world. Money. The towers fell and the American sheeple all waved their flags. [walks by Dick Cheney, who's got a crossbow and is dressed to hunt] Finally we could invade Iraq, [finishes off with sinister glee] and get the oil which made us all richer than before.
Rumsfeld: [rubs his hands together greedily] Beauutiful money, hahahaha!
Kyle: [cocks his head right and even lower. He's not buying it] ...Really??
Stan: [off on a different page] Is the whole government in on this?
Bush: We are all-knowing and all-powerful. Good-bye, boys. [steps aside as Dick Cheney takes aim at them. Cheney fires an arrow at them, but the arrow hits a marble vase on a table behind the boys. The arrow bounces off the vase and hits fire alarm, which sets off the sprinkler system. Everyone does his best not to get wet]
Cheney: Dangit! I missed again!
Bush: For Christ's sake, Cheney! [Two aids open the doors to the Oval Office and enter]
Stan: [seeing their chance] Kyle! Run! [the boys take off with the Secret Service in hot pursuit]
Bush: KILL THEM!
[Attendance office, day, next to the Principal's office. Mr. Mackey stands there with Principal Victoria in the background, at her desk. He picks up the PA mic.]
Mr. Mackey: Attention students. Apparently, Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age 5. 'Kay? Now, whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys' bathroom is closed until further notice, 'cause one of you thought it would be a good idea... to pull down your pants... m'kay, hover your buttcheeks over the urinal... and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog... m'kay? [all the kids in the hall listen, then start laughing] Oh you think that's funny, huh?! [Principal Victoria is also snickering in the background] Let me assure you, there is nothing funny... about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspectin' urinal, [next shot is the school gym, where some students are practicing their basketball skills, but now they're listening] 'kay, droppin' your pants then... turnin' around... squattin' over that urinal, 'kay, maybe... maybe pullin' your buttcheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then layin' out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see. [the kids there begin to laugh] Oh yeah, that's real funny! [turns off the mic and slams it down] I'm gonna catch this sonofabitch if it's the last thing I DO! M'kay?! [moves off]
[A bus terminal. A bus pulls in from Washington D.C. and the door opens. Passengers pour out, including Stan and Kyle.]
Stan: All right, now we have to switch over to Interbus 65. We made it dude. [next scene is another city, somewhere] We should be home in less than eighteen hours. Then we'll tell everyone what we saw.
Kyle: It just... doesn't seem right.
Stan: Yeah, our eyes are finally open, dude. It's like waking up for the first time.
Kyle: Yeah... but doesn't it seem like we got out of the White House pretty easily? I mean, it seems like it would be pretty hard to escape from the White House with everyone chasing you, and we just kind of... ran out. [a door opens besides them and the 911truth man the President had shot exits a restaurant and goes the other direction]
Stan: Well dude, maybe we're just super badass. Have you thought of that? [Kyle stops and turns around]
Kyle: Hey! [the 911truth man turns around, then panics as he recognizes the boys] Dude. You're alive? [the man stands there for a few seconds, not knowing what to do, then turns around and runs away, pushing people aside. Kyle gives chase] Come back here! [the man keeps running]
Man 1: Hey!
Man 2: Ogh!
[the POV changes to that of a dead-end alley. The camera descends from on high as the 911truth man runs down the alley. It stops descending when Stan and Kyle round the corner. The man reaches a chain-link fence and tries to climb it. The boys come in closer. The man fails to climb the fence and drops to the ground when the boys reach him.]
911truth Man: [begins to plead] No. Please. Pleeease!
Kyle: Dude! What the hell is going on?!
911truth Man: Don't kill me! I, I just do what they say!
Stan: What who said?
911truth Man: I have a family. Please don't kill me!
Kyle: Dude, we aren't going to kill you. [just then a gunshot is heard and the 911truth man falls dead... again]
Stan: Oh God!
Bearded Man: [appears with the smoking gun] It isn't safe here, boys. Follow me!
Kyle: Who the fuck are you?!
Bearded Man: There's no time! come on! [the camera pans up but stays focused on the three folks as the boys follow the bearded man out of the alley.]
[A mansion, night. The bearded man escorts Stan and Kyle in and leads them to his library]
Kyle: Do you mind telling us what the hell is going on??
Stan: Who are you?
Bearded Man: [pours himself a drink] I'm a detective, and I'm afraid that you kids have been double-crossed.
Kyle: You f-figured this thing all out?
Bearded Man: Not me. My mystery-solving sons. Come on in, boys. [the Hardly Boys enter] My boys were researching who went number two in the urinal at your school when they discovered something odd, which gave them a clue.
Frank: Gave us both a clue.
Mr. Hardly: That clue led them to a 9/11 conspiracy group party, where they got a lot more clues.
Joe: I was getting a clue like every two minutes.
Frank: I got such a raging clue that I almost shot clue goo all over Joe.
Mr. Hardly: Those clues pointed out that all the 9/11 conspiracy theories could be disproven scientifically. And that's when Frank got his biggest clue.
Frank: It was huuuge.
Mr. Hardly: That all the 9/11 conspiracy Web sites are run by the government. The 9/11 conspiracy... is a government conspiracy.
Stan: Aw Jesus...
Kyle: Why would the government want people to believe they caused 9/11?
Mr. Hardly: For a government to have power, they must appear to have complete control. What better way to make people fear them than to convince them they are capable of the most elaborate plan on earth?
Bush: [off-screen] That's quite enough, Hardly! [the camera shows him entering with his staff] Don't believe what he says, boys; we caused 9/11. [brings forth a manila folder] It's all right here in these secret documents, [hugs the folder tight] but you'll never get them. [turns around as he yawns, dropping the folder to the floor behind him. No one picks it up]
Kyle: I knew it! You didn't plan 9/11 and you really didn't shoot that guy!
Bush: [dropping the act] Boys, you don't understand. People need to think we are all-powerful. That we control the world. If they know we weren't in charge of 9/11 then... we appear to control nothing.
Kyle: Well why don't you just tell people the truth?!
Bush: We do that too. And most people believe the truth. But one fourth of the population is retarded. If they wanna believe we control everything with intricate plans, why not let them?
Mr. Hardly: Just one thing, Mr. President: How the devil did you know we were all here? [a close-up of Kyle. A gun appears next to his left temple. The camera moves clockwise as it refocuses on Stan, who's got the gun aimed at Kyle. Stan must have told the President]
Stan: How come you couldn't just go home, dude? That's all we had to do!
Kyle: Stan! What the fuck?!
Stan: It was all planned out!
Kyle: You knew this whole time? Why?
Stan: Because it was me. I'm the one who took a dump in the urinal.
Kyle: [backs away a bit] What??
Stan: The stalls were full and I didn't wanna miss recess! I didn't think it would turn into such a big deal!
Kyle: So you blamed the government?!
Mr. Hardly: And the government was more than willing to take the blame, so long as it made them look responsible for 9/11!
Stan: [lowers his pistol] Oh man, now everyone's gonna know. Why did the stupid Hardly Boys have to be so good at solving mysteries?
Kyle: So wait, wait: Stan took a dump in the urinal and he contacted the conspiracy Web site? But the conspiracy site was run by the government?
Stan: Yuh.
Kyle: So then, who was responsible for 9/11?
Stan: Whattaya mean? A bunch of pissed-off Muslims.
Frank: [giggles] Yeah. What are you, retarded? [The President and his staff laugh heartily]
Mr. Hardly: Well, it looks like this mystery is solved. It's time for the culprit to finally pay!
[The boys' room at South Park Elementary, day. Stan is cleaning the urinal under Mr. Mackey's supervision]
Mr. Mackey: When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay! [Stan squirts some cleaning fluid onto the urinal basin] How would you feel... if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face? [Stan laughs] Oh you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's real funny!
[End of The Mystery of the Urinal Deuce.]


  1009: "Mystery of the Urinal Deuce" edit
Story Elements

Hardly BoysGeorge Bush

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Release

South Park: The Complete Tenth Season

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