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Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo/Script

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The official script for "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
The kids are gathered on stage at one end of South Park Elementary's gym.
Class

We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year!

Stan steps forth from the choir and heads towards center stage.
Stan
Lights, please.
The lights dim. He steps into the spotlight and quotes from the Gospel of Luke (2:8-11,14).
Stan

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields,
keeping watch over their flocks by night.
And lo, an angel of the Lord came upon them,
and they were sore afraid, and the angel said unto them,
'Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy,
for born unto you this day in the city of
...David is the Savior, Jesus Christ, the Lord.
Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace,
goodwill towards men'

And now, South Park Elementary presents the Birth of Jesus.
Stan steps aside while presenting the Nativity scene. The curtains open, and nine students stand in and around the grotto. Kenny is the angel floating above the manger, Wendy is Mary, about to give birth; Kyle is Joseph, ready to receive Jesus; Cartman is one of the three shepherds on the left side of the stage, and three Wise Men stand on the right side. Wendy is simulating birth pangs.
Wendy
Unh [labored breathing] Oh!
Kyle
Come on, Mary! Push!
Wendy
Aaaah!
Kyle
I can see its head!
Wendy
UUuuhh-UUuuhh.
A doll pops out beside Mary and flips through the air. Joseph catches it.
Kyle
It's a boy!
Unfortunately, he's now holding the doll wrong.
Cartman
Oohhhh!
Kenny
(Kyle has Jesus' head instead!)
Mr. Garrison
Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, Kyle, what the hell was that? You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head. What kind of sick weirdo are you?
Kyle
...Sorry.
Mr. Garrison
And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains.
Wendy
Okay.
Sheila approaches Mr. Garrison.
Sheila
Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?!
Mr. Garrison
Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play, but your son was holding the baby Jesus fetus by the head.
Mary and Joseph are now looking at them argue.
Sheila
How dare you include the Nativity in a school play? Don't you realize my son is Jewish?!
Kyle drops his head.
Mr. Garrison
...So?
Sheila
So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?
Mr. Garrison
Because it's Christmas???
Sheila
Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas.
All the kids gasp.
Mr. Garrison
Oh god, you're not gonna lay that Hanukkah crap on me, are you?
Sheila
Whatwhatwhaaat?!? You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Garrison!!
Cartman
Oh dude! Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!
Kyle shoots back.
Kyle
Shut up, fat boy!
Cartman
I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.
Stan
Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?
Mr. Garrison
Oh-kay! Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
Sheila
How about the dreidel song, bubbe?
Kyle
I can sing the Mr. Hankey song...
Mr. Garrison
The Mr. Hankey song-how does that go?
Kyle

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
he loves me and I love y-

Stan
Christmas Poo?
Cartman
What the hell is Christmas Poo?
Kyle
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Haven't you guys ever heard of it?
Sheila
Kyle, that is enough!
Mr. Garrison
See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan.
Sheila
Now that does it! I'm going straight to the mayor about you, Mr Garrison.
Mr. Garrison interrupts and follows her
Mr. Garrison
Oh wait wait wait. Was it the pagan remark?
Wendy gets up.
Wendy
You guys, look! It's snowing!
Snow is seen through a window. The kids step out of costume and rush out of school to take advantage of this opportunity, cheering all the way.
In the school playground.
Stan
Whoa, Christmas snow!
Wendy
Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue.
A soft instrumental starts up.
Wendy
It's fun.
The kids shuffle back and forth catching snowflakes. When Kenny looks up an eagle passes overhead and dumps a load - right on Kenny's face.
Cartman is watching with glee.
Kenny
P'tooui.
Stan
That was sick, dude!
Cartman seeing Kyle lolling for a snowflake.
Cartman
Hey!
Kyle is taken aback
Cartman
What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!
Kyle
We can, too!
Stan
...Nnnaw I think it's against the law, dude.
Kyle
Officer Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady
What?
A car screeches to a halt as Officer Barbrady raises his arm.
Kyle
Is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?
After a long pause.
Officer Barbrady
Yyess.
Kyle
Damnit!
Stan
Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.
Cartman
Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents.
Kyle
No. But I get Hanukkah presents for eight days.
Cartman
Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that.
Stan
We'll catch up with you later, Kyle.
Stan walks off with Wendy and the others.
Kyle
Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
Stan
Wha-what is this about Christmas Poo, dude?
Kyle
Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
Cartman
Uh, Kyle? Come on, seriously? You are really reaching right now.
Kyle
Well! You're gonna be sorry when you see me riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fatass!
Cartman
You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh 'cause you're a Jew, Kyle.
Cartman and walks away.
Stan
See you around, dude.
Stan follows Cartman away.
Kyle is left alone in the playground as winds howl around him. The camera zooms in on him as the intro to his song plays.
Kyle

It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My friends won't let me join in any games
And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree
or leave water out for Rudolph 'cause there's something wrong with me
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
On Christmas...

He walks away, then peeks at the mall from behind a tree. Stan is on Santa's lap while Cartman and Kenny wait in line, now forming on Santa's left.
Kyle

Channukah is nice, but why is it
That Santa passes over my house every year?
And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latke
Instead of Silent Night I'm singing huhash dogavish
And what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, tell me please?
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
I'd be merry
But I'm Hebrew
On Christ-maas.

He walks down the road, past a Toy Shoppe and a stand of Christmas trees. The camera pulls back as he walks out of view.
Outside City Hall a crowd gathers.
Mayor McDaniels
Ahem. Okay everybody, settle down.
Large woman
Mayor, we are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in front of the capital office. Church and State are separate!
Some men
No! Wrong!
Kyle appearing among his friends.
Kyle
What's going on, you guys?
Stan
The whole town's pissed off at each other. It's really sweet.
Sheila
That isn't all, Mayor! The school play is doing a Nativity scene! It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!
Mr. Garrison
You are the Jewish community!
Crowd
Yeah! Yeah!
Cartman
Oh, boy! Super-bitch is at it again!
Kyle
Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Father Maxi
Mayor, the Nativity is what Christmas is all about. If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all of that garbage, too!
The crowd cheers in agreement.
Woman
Hallelujah!
Man
Amen!
Tree hugger
And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!
Man 1
Raah!
Man 2
Give me a break!
Uncle Jimbo
And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee, you shouldn't be driving with it.
The crowd processes Jimbo's words.
Crowd
Yeah! Yeah!
Mayor McDaniels
Okay, people, we clearly need to reach a compromise. Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas.
Assistant 1
Oooo, brilliant idea, Mayor!
The crowd mulls over the suggestion.
Kyle
Hey! How about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?
Mayor McDaniels
Ex-cuse me?
Kyle
Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
Sheila
Kyle! Sshhh!
Kyle
It's true. He doesn't care what faith you are.

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
he loves me and I love you
Therefore, vicariously he loves you
Even if-

Cartman
[stopping Kyle] Never mind him. He's a very disturbed little boy.
Kenny
(Kyle's crazy!)
Stan
Yeah.
Sheila
Okay, Kyle, we're leaving right nowww.
Sheila drags him away.
Kyle
Wait...
Mayor McDaniels
Anyway, I'll put together a crack team of my best workers to make sure this'll be the most non-offensive Christmas ever - to any religious or minority group of any kind. Are there any other suggestions?
Mr. Garrison raises his hand.
Mayor McDaniels
Yes, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?
Looks back, then.
Mayor McDaniels
No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans.
Mr. Garrison
Rats!
Kyle's house, the living room. Ike opens up his present - a dreidel. He gives it a spin. The camera pans to the right and stops at Kyle and his dad.
Gerald Broflovski
It is sick and disgusting, and we simply will not have it!
Sheila pops out from behind Gerald.
Sheila
Your father's right, Kyle.
Gerald
Sheila, let me handle this. Having imaginary friends is fine, Kyle, but this simply will not do!
Sheila pops out again.
Sheila
Listen to your father, Kyle.
The dreidel has gone off to the right, and Ike goes after it, bumping into the coffee table. The Channukah menorah on it (day 6) falls on Ike, and he begins to burn.
Gerald
Now, I want you to repeat after me: 'There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey'.
Kyle
But dad, he always sh...
Gerald
Say it!
Kyle
There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
Gerald
Again!
Kyle
There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
Sheila pops out again.
Sheila
This is for your own good, bubbe.
Gerald
Now, you go brush your teeth and march into bed! You won't be opening your Channukah present tonight!
Kyle
[softly, under his breath] Probably just another stupid dreidel anyway.
Gerald
What did you say?!
Kyle enters his room.
Kyle
I said Ike's on fire!
Ike
Oh oh. On flame? Oh oh. On flame?
Sheila
Oh my God!
Gerald quickly smothers Ike with a blanket to douse the flames.
Kyle's house, the bathroom. He is brushing his teeth.
Kyle
It isn't fair! I don't want to be an outcast!
A voice is echoing from the toilet
Voice
Kyle.
Kyle faces the toilet, then returns to brushing his teeth.
Kyle
I'm not hearing that.
Voice
Kyle.
Kyle hops down and goes to the toilet, then looks into it.
Kyle
Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey pops up and makes his entrance wearing white gloves and a red elf cap.
Mr. Hankey
Howwwwdy-hoooo.
Mr. Hankey jumps onto the sink.
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho, Kyle. Gosh, you're looking swell.
Kyle
[now wary] Go away, Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey
You know something, Kyle? You smell an awful lot like flowers.
Kyle
I said go away! My father said you aren't real.
Mr. Hankey
Not real? Well shucks. If I weren't real, could I sing this jolly Christmas song?
He begins to sing. As he does so, he skips around the room and leaves bits of poo behind.
Mr. Hankey

Santa Claus is on his way
He's loaded goodies on his sleigh
To drop them off on Christmas Day
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'.

Kyle
Mr. Hankey! Sshhhh! I'll get in trouble.
Mr. Hankey

Folks'll gather round the fire
sing a song, stroll the choir
Pretty song they'll all retire
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'.

He leaves 'NOEL' written in poop on the vanity mirror.
Gerald knocks on the door.
Gerald
Kyle, what are you doing in there?
Kyle
Nothing.
He knocks again.
Gerald
Open this door!
Mr. Hankey

I hope that Santa comes real soon
I've been waiting for some we...

Kyle
Mr. Hankey, come here.
Kyle grabs Mr. Hankey and muffles him, and turns as Gerald opens the door. Gerald sees a bathroom smeared with feces everywhere, and a boy facing him holding a big piece of it in his left hand. He gasps and remains speechless.
Gerald
KYLE!
Kyle throttles the poo.
Kyle
Say something, Mr. Hankey!
It falls over, and Kyle looks forsaken.
Kyle's bedroom. Kyle is now in bed.
Gerald
Now, you get to sleep, and think about how your poor mother has to clean that bathroom up!
Sheila
Whatwhatwhaaat?! Me?!
Gerald looks towards his room and quickly closes the door.
Mr. Hankey is now on Kyle's comforter.
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho!
Kyle
Mr. Hankey! Where the hell did you go?
Mr. Hankey
You should be wearing socks to sleep, Kyle. You're gonna catch a cold.
Kyle
Nobody believes in you, not even my friends.
Mr. Hankey
Aw, gee, that's too bad.
Kyle
Hey! How about you come to school with me tomorrow, so I can at least prove I'm not crazy to my friends.
Mr. Hankey
Say, that sounds like a swell idea. We can show everyone the true spirit of Christmas.
Kyle
Yeah! We'll show them!
Kyle smiles, pleased with the idea.
Downtown South Park.
Mayor McDaniels
Okay, people, we've got to turn this place around! Take down anything that is offensive to any specific group!
The crowd sets about dismantling the decorations. A man removes Santa's head from his sleigh and tosses it onto the street.
Uncle Jimbo calls forth from his shop.
Uncle Jimbo
Is mistletoe offensive?
Mayor McDaniels
Is anyone offended by mistletoe?
One man raises his hand.
Mayor McDaniels
Lose the mistletoe!
Jimbo clips it off.
Bus stop.
Stan
You guys! I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas!
Cartman
How do you know?
Stan
'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.
Cartman
Yeah? Well I sneaked around my mom's closet too, and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.
Stan
What's that?
Cartman
I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet.
Kyle arrives.
Kyle
Hello, everybodyyy.
Stan
What's in the box, dude?
Kyle
It's a surprise.
Cartman
Let me see!
The boys gather around the box.
Kyle
O-Okay. But don't scare him...
A shot of what Mr. Hankey sees as Stan pops the lid open, then a top-down view as the poo is shown in all its glory. Cartman and Stan blink.
Stan
[angrily] Dude, sick!!!
Kyle looks down at his poo.
Cartman
Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?
Kenny
(That is the sickest thing I have ever fucking seen!)
Kyle
Wait! You guys! He's alive!
Kyle jostles the box.
Stan
Kyle, I think you'd better get home and get some sleep.
Kyle is shaking the box now.
Kyle
Come on, dance! Daaance! Dance, damn you!!
Research Center, a Researcher is shown before at least six subjects.
Researcher
Now this is very simple. I'm going to say words and the computer will measure how offended you are by them. In this way we can find out which words are least offensive for use in the holiday season. Are we ready?
The group looks back at him.
Researcher
Here we go: Christ
Two responses.
Researcher
Hm. Okay. Cherub.
No response.
Researcher
Hm... Camel
One response.
Researcher
Hm. Sad.
No response.
Researcher
Stupid Wop Dago.
All respond.
Researcher
Bench...
South Park Elementary, the school gym. The janitors are clearing out the decorations.
Mr. Garrison
Aw, do you have to take away the Christmas tree, too?
Janitor 2
Mayor's orders.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play. The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.
Cartman
Thanks to Kyle's mother.
Kyle
Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison
So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs.
Cartman raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison
Yes, Eric?
Cartman
How about we sing "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch", in D minor.
Kyle
I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Cartman

O-ho. Weeeeeeeeeellll
Kyle's mom is a bitch,
she's a big fat bitch,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She a stupid bitch,
if there ever was a bitch,
she's a bitch to all the boys and girls.

Kyle
Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Hankey pops to life.
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho!
Kyle
[hushed] Mr. Hankey.
Cartman

Monday she's a bitch,
on Tuesday she's a bitch,
on Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different,
she's a super King Kamehameha bi-atch!

The class is clapping along gleefully by now, while Kyle looks at Cartman with ire.
Mr. Hankey
Golly, that isn't very nice.
Kyle turns to hear him.
Mr. Hankey
I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.
Mr. Garrison joins in the clapping, but he's off beat.
Cartman

Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.
She's a mean ole bitch 'cause she has stupid hair,
she a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
she's a stupid bitch!
Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch!
KYLE'S MOOOM IS A - BIIIIII-I-I-ITCH - aahh.

Kyle
Mr. Hankey, no!
Mr. Hankey
Mmmrrr-aaarrrggghhh!!!
Mr. Hankey attacks Cartman.
Mr. Garrison
What the...
The poo is now on the floor, and the class gasps.
Cartman
Gross, Kyle!
Mr. Garrison
Oh my lord, Kyle, did you just throw doo-doo at Eric?
Kyle
Uuuuuuhh...
Cartman
YOU SICK BASTARD!
Some snickers are heard.
The counselor's office, the window showing silhouettes of Stan and Mr. Mackey. Another student waits outside.
Mr. Mackey, Jr.
Now, uh, Kyle, as your school counselor, uh I want to try and help you confront your problems, 'kay?
Kyle
I don't have a problem.
Mr. Mackey
Well it-it's my understanding that you umhm, yu-you have an acute case of fecophilia.
Kyle
What's that?
Mr. Mackey
Well-uh, a fecophiliac is somebody who's obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle.
Kyle
Mookie-stinks?
Mr. Mackey
Now I also understand that you're Jewish. Is that right, Kyle?
Kyle
Wull, not on purpose.
Mr. Mackey
So this must be a pretty hard time of year for you, being Christmas and all. Do the other kids make fun of ya?
Kyle
Well, sometimes...
Mr. Mackey
And that must make you mad.
Kyle
Well sure.
Mr. Mackey
Mad enough to kill, Kyle???
Mr. Mackey looks at him up close.
Kyle
No, dude!
Mr. Mackey
Oh that's good. You see, Kyle, sometimes we feel like an outsider, we-we create friends, Okay-in our minds, Okay?
Kyle
But Mr. Hankey seemed so real...
Mr. Mackey
Well of course he does; in your screwed-up little head he's the only friend you have.
Mr. Mackey sips from his coffee cup, Mr. hankey is now bathing in the cup.
Mr. Hankey
Kyle!
Kyle lowers his head.
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho.
Kyle is shocked.
Mr. Mackey
Right now you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, m'kay-I mean, you're one screwed-up little kid do you understand?
Kyle looks back up in horror at the counselor, who takes another sip of coffee. Kyle closes his eyes in dread anticipation. Mr. Hankey is still bathing in Mr. Mackey's coffee.
Mr. Hankey

Santa's loaded up his sleigh
flying around his merry way...

Mr. Mackey
To try and stay positive stay away from drug and alcohol, and in the meantime I'm gonna put you on a heavy regimen of Prozac...
Mr. Mackey notices the poo in his cup and gasps.
Mr. Mackey
Uuuuuuugghh-oh my God, you sick little monkey!
Kyle's mouth is twisted with chagrin.
South Park Elementary, the school gym. Christmas lights are still hanging and lit.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, we've just received word from the mayor that the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights, since they offend people with epilepsy...
Students
Hhmm.
Mr. Garrison
...so Kenny, would you please go over and pull the lights cords out of the wall?
a low faucet is dripping next to the outlet, creating a puddle that goes past it. The class looks at the sight, then Kenny goes over...
Mr. Garrison
Careful now, Kenny, those are very, very dangerous.
Kenny tugs at the cords and they come out. He looks at the class, then walks back to his spot.
Mr. Garrison
Okay. Now let's practice our...
Mr. Mackey rushes in, followed by Kyle.
Mr. Mackey
No! Get away from me!
Kyle
Here. Just look more closely at it.
Mr. Mackey
No! Go away! Stan, you need to do something about your friend, m'kay. Get him out of here before he hurts anybody! M'kay?
South Park Mental House.
Stan
Hullo, we need to commit our friend, Kyle please.
Nurse
Reason?
Kyle
I'm a clinically depressed fecophiliac on Prozac.
Nurse
Any allergies?
Kyle
No.
Nurse
Jacket!
Two burly men come out through the doors on either side of the nurse and wrap Kyle up, then take him inside, chattering all the while.
Cartman
Bye, Kyle! Happy Channukah!
South Park Elementary, the school gym.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, does everyone have their leotards on?
They do, and just look back. The camera now looks out to the audience.
Artsy Man
Good, it looks like they have taken the Christmas trees down.
His Date
Yes, and there's nothing Christian, either. This should be great!
Sheila
Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play - I wish our little Kyle was here to see it.
Sheila is now sobbing.
South Park Mental House.
Kyle

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I will play
Second verse, same as the first
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidelll-I ma...

South Park Elementary, the school gym. The MC is on stage.
MC
Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday...
Man 1
[pointing] Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage. That's very offensive to non-Christians.
Uncle Jimbo
Oh, come on!
Man 1
Hey! Don't put your beliefs on me, buddy!
Randy Marsh
I agree.
Mr. Garrison peeks through the curtain.
Mr. Garrison
Oh brother.
He steps back.
Mr. Garrison
Kenny, would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage?
Kenny approaches the ladder and starts climbing.
Mr. Garrison
And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Kenny, the shark for the third act is in there.
Kenny looks down at the pool.
Kenny
(Hunh?)
He looks back at Mr. Garrison.
MC
Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday Experience. Before we bring out the kiddies for the play, here's a non-offensive, non-denominational holiday song by the school chef.
Chef

I'm gonna lay you down by the Yule log
I'm gonna love you right
Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls
And silence your nights.

Kenny reaches the star and makes sure he's safe.
Chef

You'll hear the herald angels sing
When I'm sliding off your bra
I just can't wait to jingle your bells
and falala your love...
You can break my heart, and that means...

Stan
I wish Kyle was here. It just doesn't seem right without him.
Chef

...We should make love,

Cartman
Well. Ol' Kyle's gonna be locked up for a while, so get used to it.
Chef

...'Cause if we don't-

Mr. Garrison
Okay, kids, get ready to take your places.
The crowd cheers.
MC
Thank you, Chef!
Kenny finally descends with the star.
Kenny
(Phew!)
MC
And now, South Park Elementary presents the happy, non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas Play, with music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass!
Philip Glass moves into position and start playing his keyboards. The curtains draw back, and the kids look out at the audience. They begin to move around.
Voice-over
As I turn and look into the sun, the rays burn my eyes.
A track saying "Happy Happy Happy, Everybody Happy" is added, along with an arpeggio. Members of the audience look confused.
Voice-over
How like a turtle the sun looks.
Sheila
What the hell is this???
The kids just keep moving and turning.
Sheila
This is horrible!!!
Father Maxi
This is the most God-awful piece of crap I've ever seen!!
Mr. Garrison
You're the ones who made it this way!
Father Maxi
Yeah, it's because the Jews said it couldn't be Christian.
Gerald
It wasn't our idea to take out Santa Claus!
Elderly Tree Hugger
All you bastards ruined Christmas!
The crowd descends into brawling. A person in blue is thrown towards the stage. The Broflovskis trap Father Maxi.
Gerald
Get him in the ribs!
Sheila punches Father Maxi.
Father Maxi
Oof.
Picking up the elderly tree-hugger.
Man in audience
Damn tree-hugger!
Tosses him away.
Stan
This sucks, dude. This is like the worst Christmas I have ever seen.
Wendy
Yeah.
Chef is now on stage behind the children.
Chef
Say, where's Kyle?
Stan
We committed him.
Chef
What? Why?
Cartman
'Cause. He kept seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere that he went.
Chef
Chirstmas poo? You yuh-you mean Mr. Hankey.
Stan
Huh?! O-oh.
The crowd continues to brawl. Sheila uses a chair on her husband, who quickly falls to the floor. She watches him fall.
A Mr. Hankey Commercial Plays.
Back at the gym. The man in blue is thrown from his post for the third time - an obvious blooper, as the Broflovskis have Father Maxi trapped again.
Stan
This is horrible! Everybody's fighting and my best friend is in an institution, all because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey!
Chef
Well! You can believe in him now.
A woman backs up across the stage as a man flies towards her. The crowd is more violent now.
Woman
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH.
Stan
I believe.
A piano begins to play softly.
Wendy
I believe in Mr. Hankey.
A shoebox at one side of the stage starts to jump, and the lid pops off. Mr. Hankey jumps up and floats in the air, surrounded by pixie dust.
Mr. Hankey
Hoooowwwwwdy-ho!!!
Everyone on stage gasps.
Mr. Hankey
Howdy, folks. Gosh you sure do smell all nice and flowery.
Cartman, Stan
Whoa!!
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho, Chef!
Chef
Howdy-ho, Mr. Hankey!
Cartman
Okay, that does it! Screw this, I'm goin home!
Moves toward stage left.
Cartman
Talking poo is where I draw the line!
Mr. Hankey
What's all the ruckus?
Chef
I'm glad you're here, Mr. Hankey. The whole town is about to kill each other.
Mr. Hankey
I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey!
He sees the crowd fighting and whistles. They stop and turn to see him.
Mr. Hankey
STOP FIGHTING!!
The Mayor
Oh my God, what the hell is that thing?
Mr. Hankey
Come on, gang, don't fight. You people focus so hard on the things wrong with Christmas that you've forgotten what's so right about it. Don't you see? This is the one time of year we're s'posed to forget all the bad stuff, to stop worrying and being sad about the state of the world, and for just one day say, "Aw, the heck with it! Let's sing and dance and bake cookies".
Father Maxi finally gets up from the floor as a single person begins to clap, and the crowd turns to see that the person clapping is Gerald. Then others start clapping and the town begins to cheer. Mr. Hankey is overjoyed at the response.
Stan
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
South Park Mental House. Kyle sits on the floor of a padded room.
Kyle

I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew...

Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho, Kyle!!!
Thinking it's a hallucination.
Kyle
Oh no, I'm not sane yet!
Mr. Hankey
I brought some friends with me.
Kyle
Friends?
Kyle gets up and looks lout a small window. He sees all the townsfolk and smiles, relieved.
Townsfolk
Merry Christmas, Kyle Broflovski!!!
Kyle
You mean you can see him? Ah-I'm not crazy?
The nurse releases him and he rushes out the door. Mr. Hankey follows.
Townsfolk

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo...

Mr. Hankey kisses Kyle.
Townsfolk

...he loves me and I love you
Therefore, vicariously he loves you...

Mr. Hankey begins tossing presents to everyone.
Townsfolk

...Even if you're a Jew

Mr. Pirrip

Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny,
he can be brown or greenish-brown
But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve,
he might come to your town

Townsfolk

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
He loves me. I love you
Heeeeeeee Looooooves Yoooooouu!

Mr. Hankey, during the second chorus.
Mr. Hankey
Well, I've got a loong night ahead of me. Bye-bye and Merry Christmas.
He floats up to meet Santa as he passes by.
Cartman
Good-bye Mr. Hankey! Bring me lots of presents! I always believed in you!
Santa Claus
Howdy-ho ho ho!
Stan
You know, I learned something today. I learned that Jewish people are okay. And that...Hanukkah can be cool, too.
Kyle
Yeah...[concerned] You know, it seems like something's still not right.
The camera pans over to Kenny.
Cartman
Yeah, something feels...unfinished.
Drum roll.
Stan
Wh-what could it be?
The drum roll heads for a climax.
THE END.
Kenny
(Yee he hee!)
End credits roll.
South Park Public Access. A light is on.
Jesus is on the Jesus and Pals set alone.
Jesus

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...

Jesus blows out the candle on his cake and ends up in the dark. He blinks. Credits resume rolling.
End of Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo


  110: "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo " edit
Story Elements

Mr. HankeyMr. Hankey Construction SetSouth Park Mental House • "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo (song)" • "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" • "The Lonely Jew on Christmas" • "Santa Claus is On His Way" • "Kyle's Mom's a Bitch" • "Christmas Lovin'" • "Happy, Happy, Happy" • "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete First Season

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