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The official script for "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo
  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Eric Cartman
  • Angels
  • Bradley Biggle
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Hat
  • Mailman
  • Satan
  • Adolf Hitler
  • Demons
  • Bailey
  • John F. Kennedy
  • John F. Kennedy Jr.
  • Jesus Christ
  • Santa Claus
  • Various Kids
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Shelly Marsh
  • News Anchor
  • Man on Porto Potty
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Ike Broflovski

Script

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics
A WSPK Channel 2 news anchorman appears
Anchor
Fighting the frizzies, at 11.
Intro. Mailman, tall and lanky with a very long cheek, walks into view
Mailman

We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose
And we all know Frosty who's made out of snow
But all of those stories seem kind of... gay
Cuz we all know who brightens up our holiday!

Robert T. Pooner Presents. Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. A Collection of 10 Holiday Songs
Mailman and Kids

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo

Mailman

Small and brown, he comes from you.

Mailman and Kids

Sit on the toilet; here he comes!

Mailman

Squeeze in 'tween your festive buns. [A boy dances on his ass on the toilet]
A present from down below, [Timmy dances with some kids]
Spreading joy with a

Mailman and Kids

Mailman and Kids:
|[the kids wave] Howdy Ho!

Mailman

[a kid holds up a Hankey X-ray] He's seen the love inside of you, 'cause

Mailman and Kids

Mailman and Kids|[Mailman leads them] He's a piece of poo!

Mailman

Sometimes he's nutty [a girl holds a drawing],
sometimes he's corny [she shows the next drawing].
He can be brown or greenish brown [Mailman holds two sheets of construction paper].

Kids
Mmm-mmm.
Mailman

But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve,
He might come to your town. [a boy has made a Hankeyman and added smudges of real poo]

Mailman and Kids

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo

Mailman

He loves me, I love you.
Therefore, vicariously he loves you

Bradley Biggle

[has pants pulled down behind a bush] I can make a Mr. Hankey, too! [craps]

Mr. Hankey

[pops out from behind the bushes]
HOWDY HO!
I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
Season's greetings to all of you.
Let's sing songs and dance and play [moves in between two kids and holds hands with them]
Now, before I melt away [throws himself onto the Mailman's head]
Here's a game I like to play:
[skips onto every open mouth]
Stick me in your mouth and try to say,

All

"Howdy ho ho, yum yum yum."

Mr. Hankey

Christmastime has come!

Girl 1

Sometimes he's runny.

Boy 1

Sometimes he's firm.

Girl 2

Sometimes he's practically water.

Man on Porto Potty

[opens the door] Sometimes he hangs off the end of your ass
And won't fall in the toilet
Cuz he's just clinging to your sphincter
And he won't drop off and so you ...shake your ass around
And try to get it to drop into the toilet
And finally it does.. [Timmy closes the door and clears his throat]

Mailman and Kids

[Mr. Hankey now leads them] Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo

Mailman

When Christmas leaves; he must leave too. [Santa lands with reindeer]

Mailman and Kids

[Mr. Hankey hops on and waves good-bye. They wave good-bye back]
Flush him down, but he's ne-ver gone!
[normal. Santa takes off] His smell and his spirit ling-ers on!

Kids

Howdy Ho!

Mr. Hankey is now shown seated on an armchair next to the crackling fireplace. Next to him is a small table with a gifts on it. Behind him is a Christmas tree with gifts at its base
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho, folks. We're gonna do somethin' a little bit different tonight. Instead of our normal thing, we're just gonna sit back and enjoy some holiday songs. And if ya don't like it, well, I guess you can suck my tiny little balls. So let's start off with a festive Hanukkah song, sung by my favorite Jewish person in the whole world.
The Broflovski house, decorated for Channukah. A dreidel spins on the living room rug. Kyle and Ike watch it spin and fall
Kyle

Okay, Ike. You're my little brother, so I have to show you how to celebrate Hanukkah. [picks it up] This is called a dreidel. You spin it and see where it lands. And you sing this song:

[begins to dance]
I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.
And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall play. Oh,
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
[gives the dreidel to Ike. Cartman walks in]

Cartman
Hey, what the hell are you doing?!
Kyle
Oh! Hey Cartman. We're playing dreidel; you wanna try?
Cartman
Sure.

[takes it and walks up to the camera. Kyle sways to the song]
Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay.
But I'm not gonna play with it, 'cause dreidel's freakin' gay.

Kyle
[stops] Hey, shut your mouth, fatass!
Cartman

[moves to block Kyle from view. Kyle moves to the other side of the screen to be seen. They go back and forth like this for a while]
Jews.. ...play stupid games
Jews... that's why they're lame.

Kyle

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Cartman

Jews...

Kyle

I made you out of clay.

Cartman

...play stupid games.

Kyle

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Cartman

Jews...

Kyle

with dreidel I shall play.

Cartman
that's why they're lame.
Stan
[Enters] What's going on? ...Oh, it's that Hanukkah thing.
Cartman
It's sooo amazing! [shows the dreidel to Stan] You spin this thing on the ground and it goes 'round and 'round. I could watch it aaall day!
Stan
Let me try. [takes it and spins it on the rug]

I'll try to make it spin.
It fell; I'll try again.

together. Cartman remains still between Stan and Kyle as Ike dances on the sofa behind them
Kyle

Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.

Stan

I'll try to make it spin.

Kyle

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.

Stan

It fell; I'll try again.

together, alternate with Cartman. Cartman walks behind the sofa, then pops up from the back. Above him is a string of Stars of David. Stan keeps trying...
Kyle

Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Stan

I'll try

Cartman

Jews..

Kyle

I made you out of clay.

Stan

to make it spin.

Cartman

...play stupid games.

Kyle

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Stan

It fell;

Cartman

Jews...

Kyle

with dreidel I shall play.

Stan

I'll try again.

Cartman

that's why they're lame.

Kyle

Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Stan

I'll try

Cartman takes a Star of David down from the string and carries it out front
Cartman

Jews...

Kyle

I made you out of clay.

to make it spin.

Dialog
Cartman

...play stupid games.

Kyle

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Stan

It fell,

Cartman

Jews...

Kyle

with dreidel I shall play.

Stan

I'll try again.

</i></poem>
Cartman
that's why they're lame.
Sheila
Hello, boys!
Kyle
Hi, Mom!
Sheila
Oh, how precious! You boys are all playing dreidel. Now, you know that dreidel is a time-honored tradition for the Hebrew people.
Cartman
Yes, we know, Ms. Broflovski. It's so very interesting.
Sheila

Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin
[spins herself]
You'll know our people always win.
Keep spinning:
Learn

Cartman

Jews...

Sheila

to make the dreidel spin [spins herself]

Cartman

...play stupid games.

Sheila

You'll know [high kick]

Cartman:

Jews...

Sheila

our people always win.

Cartman

[hushed]] that's why they're lame. [Gerald enters]

Kyle

Oh, hi Dad.

Gerald
Hello, everybody. Say, can I join in?
Kyle

Sure!

I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.
And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall-

everybody!
together, alternate with Cartman. All five break into song and dance. The boys dance in figure-8 form
Kyle

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Stan

I'll try

Sheila

Now when you learn

Gerald

Courtney Cox,

Cartman

Jews...

Kyle

I made you out of clay.

Stan

to make it spin.

Sheila

to make the dreidel spin [spins herself]

Gerald

I love you.

Cartman

...play stupid games.

Kyle

reidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Stan

It fell;

Sheila

You'll know [high kick. Gerald holds her]

Gerald

You're so hot

Cartman

Jews…

Kyle

with dreidel I shall play.

Stan

I'll try again.

Sheila

our people always win.

Gerald

on that show.

Cartman

that's why they're lame.

All now dance in place
Kyle

Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Stan

I'll try

Sheila

Keep spinning: learn

Gerald

Courtney Cox,

Cartman

Jews...

Kyle

I made you out of clay.

Stan

to make it spin.

Sheila

to make the dreidel spin

Gerald

I love you.

Cartman

...play stupid games.

Kyle

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Stan

It fell,

Sheila

You'll know

Gerald

You're so hot

Cartman

Jews...

Kyle

with dreidel I shall play.

Stan

I'll try again.

Sheila

our people always win.

Gerald

on that show.

The others stop singing, but continue dancing
Gerald

Courtney Cox, I love you. [Kyle stops and stares at Gerald]

You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.

Kyle
Dad? [Cartman stops]
Gerald

Courtney Cox,

Kyle
Dad.
Gerald

I-

huh? [stops singing]
Kyle
We're singing about a dreidel.
Gerald
[stops dancing] ...Oh, sorry.
Sheila
We'll talk about this later, Gerald!
together, alternate with Cartman, resume song and dance. Kyle is up front. Left: Cartman, Ike, and Gerald. Right: Stan and Sheila
Kyle

Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Stan

I'll try

Sheila

Now when you learn

Gerald

Courtney Cox,

Cartman

Jews...

Kyle

I made you out of clay.

Stan

to make it spin.

Sheila

to make the dreidel spin

Gerald

I love you.

Cartman

...play stupid games.

Front: Sheila. Left: Stan and Kyle. Right: Cartman, Ike, and Gerald
Kyle

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Stan

It fell,

Sheila

You'll know

Gerald

You're so hot

Cartman

Jews...

Front: Cartman. Left: Ike and Gerald. Right: Kyle and Sheila. Center: Stan
Kyle

with dreidel I shall play.

Stan

I'll try again.

Sheila

our people always win.

Gerald

on that show.

Cartman

that's why they're lame.

Front: Gerald. Left: Stan and Sheila. Right: Cartman, Ike, and Kyle.
Kyle

Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Stan

I'll try

Sheila

Keep spinning: learn

Gerald

Courtney Cox,

Cartman

Jews...

Front: Stan. Left: Cartman and Gerald. Right: Ike, Kyle, and Sheila
Kyle

I made you out of clay.

Stan

to make it spin.

Sheila

to make the dreidel spin

Gerald

I love you.

Cartman

...play stupid games.

Front: Ike. Left: Kyle and Stan. Right: Gerald and Cartman. Center: Sheila
Kyle

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

Stan

It fell,

Sheila

You'll know

Gerald

You're so hot

Cartman

Jews...

big finish. Kyle steps forward. Left: Stan and Sheila. Right: Cartman and Gerald. On the sofa back: Ike. Some more dancing ensues
Kyle

with dreidel I shall play.

Stan

I'll try again.

Sheila

our people- know our people always win.

Gerald

on that show.

Cartman

that's why they're lame.

Ike releases the dreidel, which spins successfully. The camera zooms in, only to see it fall.
Back at the armchair...
Mr. Hankey
Woohoo! Golly, that sure was fun. But now, for our next song, hold on to your bootstraps, 'cause we're gonna descend down into Hell!
Hell. Flames abound here, but an ashen plain is seen with a little campfire on it. Hitler, shown in shades of gray, is on his knees in front of the fire, crying. Before him is a tree stand, but there's no tree in it.
Adolf

O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
wie treu sind deine Blätter.
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
[little Hitler is lifted up to put a star atop the Christmas tree]
wie treu sind deine Blätter.
De grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,
[little Hitler beans a Jewish boy down with a snowball]
Nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.
[Little Hitler looks at trees, and has visions of marching soldiers. He salutes.]
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
wie treu sind deine Blätter.
[live Nazi footage is superimposed on the fire. Hitler breaks down]

Satan
[walks up] Hey, Hitler. [turns to face him] What's the matter, little guy?
Adolf
Oh, oh Satan, der tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter.
Satan
Awww, you don't have a Christmas tree?
Adolf
…nur zur Sommerzeit, nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.
Satan
[the damned appear around him] Well, I tell you what: Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas, right here! Come on, everyone, gather 'round!

String up the lights and light up the tree.
We're gonna make some revelry!
Spirits are high, so I can tell,
[two of the damned stand up and dance]
It's Christmastime in Hell.

Demons are nicer as you pass them by.
[passes them in front of Azrael's Toys]
There's lots of demon toys to buy.
The snow is falling, and all is well.
[a volcano behind the store erupts]
It's

With Demons

Christmastime in Hell!

Satan

There goes Jeffrey Dahmer with a festive Christmas ham.
[Dahmer walks out of a meat store and into the house next door]
After he has sex with it, he'll eat up all he can.
And there goes John F. Kennedy, caroling with his son.
[they stop by to sing with him]

With the Kennedys

Reunited for the holidays, God bless us, everyone!

With the Damned

Everybody has a happy glow!
Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow.

Satan

Even Mao Tse Tung is under the spell [Mao is making a snow angel]

With Choir

It's Christmastime in Hell!

Satan
Adolf, here's a present for you! [hands him a present]
Adolf
Oh? [opens the gift, it's the Christmas tree he wanted] Ein tannenbaum! [hugs it]
Satan
Yes, ein tannenbaum.
Females

Aaa-aaa!

Satan

God cast me down from heaven's door
[hops into a mining car and moves. Two demons man the front car]
To rule in Hell forevermore.
But now I'm kinda glad that I fell,

With Choir

'Cause it's Christmastime in Hell!

With Males

Here's a rack to hang the stockings on [...the type of rack with a man stretched out on it]

With Females

We still have to shop for Genghis Khan [seen]

Satan

Michael Landon's hair looks swell.

With Choir

It's Christmastime in Hell!

Satan

There's Princess Diana holding burning mistletoe
Over poor Gene Siskel's head; just watch his weenie grow.
[She does hold the mistletoe; Gene goes down on her]

With Choir

For one day we all stop burning, and the flames are not so thick. [a demon turns down the flames]
All the screaming and the torture stops as we wait for Ol' Saint Nick!
So, [Satan sets some cookies on a small table; a demon brings him an armchair]
String up the lights and light up the tree.
[with him are Mao, Gene, Diana, JFK Sr. and Jr., and Dahmer]
We're damned for all eternity.
But for just one day all is well.
It's Christmastime in Hell!!!

Satan

Gather close together and make it quick!
We gotta make room for Andy Dick.[shows the picture]

With Choir

[slowing, takes away the set] Wake his mother and ring the bell. It's... [three demons dress Satan in a green cape and Santa cap]

Satan and Males

[normal, on an altar] Christmastime...

Females

Christmastime... [demons carry Christmas ornaments]

Males

Christmastime... [other fly up with angel wings]

Females

Christmastime... [others dance around a burning tree]

Satan and Males

Christmastime... [Satan on the stage. In front of him...]

Females

Christmastime... [one demon flies up and left]

Males

It's Christmastime... [one flies up and right]

Females

Christmastime... [one flies straight up]

All

It's Christ-mas-time in Hell!!!![the damned form circles around two trees. Demons hover around Satan]

Bailey

[walking by] Merry Christmas, movie house!

Satan
Brrrrrrroom! [Demons fly away]
The anchorman reappears
Anchor
Fighting the frizzies, at 11.
Star Wars lettering: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"
Kids
Howdy-ho!
Mr. Mackey's house. He really decorated for the holidays. He comes out dressed as a bell
Alone

Uh.
Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.
All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay."

a floating Mackey head appears to the upper right
Center

Christmas is here, bringing good cheer
To young and old, meek and the bold

Right

Ding Dong
Ding Dong

a second Mackey head appears on the lower left
Center

Ding dong ding-dong, that is their song
With joyful ring, all caroling

Left

Ding Dong
Ding Dong

Right

Ding Dong
Ding M'kay

three Mackeys appear in split-screen
All

One seems to hear words of good cheer
From everywhere filling the air.

a fourth Mackey, playing Scrabble, joins the other three, but sings his own part
Centers and Right

O, how they pound raising their sound
O, here and there telling their tale

Left

O, wail
Telling their tale (daily now)

all four, dressed as bells, are in front of the house
All

Gaily they ring while people sing
Songs of good cheer. Christmas is here.

the four Mackeys are now small bells on a Christmas tree.
Center 1

Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas
Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas

Center 2

Ding dong ding-dong, that is their song
With joyful ring, all caroling

Right

Ding Dong
Ding Dong ding-

Left

Ding- Can you hear them?
Ding- Can you hear them?

the four appear normal in front of the house, then at the Scrabble table
Left

On, on they send, on without end,
Their joyful tone to every home

Right

Ding Dong
Di-ing m'kay.

Centers

Ding Dong
Di-ing!

one Mackey bell is alone in front of the house
Center

Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.
All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay."

Right

Dong_____________
__________

Left

Dong_____________
____m'kay.

all four Mackey bells appear, then Mr. Mackey is alone
Left

On, on they send, on without end,
Their joyful tone to every home

Right

M'kay M'kay___________

Center

M'kay_________________

the small Mackey bells appear one by one on the tree, then the four appear in front of the house
All

ing dong ding-dong, m'kay___

one Mackey bell remains
Center
M'kay.
Back at the armchair...
Mr. Hankey
Well, that was a nice little song, wasn't it? But let's not forget that for some people Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. So now, here's a more serious Christmas song, sung by Eric Cartman.
The town of Bethlehem. Cartman is superimposed on it. He's in formal wear.
Cartman

And...
O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shi-ning
[The Star of the Nativity appears, then the Three Wise Men]
It is the night of our dear Savior's b-b-b-birth
[The Nativity and Cartman are seen in the background, Formal Cartman vanishes]
O Holy Night, the- something, something, dis-- aah.
[Formal Cartman before a starry sky]
It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie.
[Present-day Cartman finishes decorating the tree, helps himself to a pie]
Jesus was born, and so I get presents.
[Little Drummer Cartman stands before the manger scene, Present-day Cartman is seen tearing into his gifts back at home.]
Thank you, Jesus, for being born. (Wo-o-o-o-o)
[back at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman turns to look at Baby Jesus.]
Fall (Fall) [four angels appear behind Formal Cartman]
On your knees (On your knees) [Cartman falls on his knees]
And hear (Can't you hear)
The angels'.. something (Voices)
O night (O night)
[Present-day Cartman tosses in bed, which is covered in candy canes]
Divine (Divine)
[Formal Cartman] The night
When I get presents (O-o)
[at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman takes the gifts meant for Jesus]
O night (O o-night) [loads them up on his camel, with other presents]
Di-viiine! [Present-day Cartman rips into more presents at home]
[Formal Cartman] O night (Ooo-ooo)
O night, di-vine! [Little Drummer Cartman leads the gift-laden camels away]
Oh. Ah. Ch.

Back at the armchair..
Mr. Hankey
Well, oh boy, that was a super song! And now, let's hear from the school teacher, Mr. Garrison.
South Park Elementary. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison has drawn a world map on the board.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, let's take our seats. Today we're going to learn how different cultures around the world celebrate the holiday season.
Class
[flatly] Awww.
Kenny
(What?!)
Mr. Garrison
Now, pay attention. Ahem...

I heard there is no Christmas in the silly Middle East [points it out]
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus; They have different religious beliefs
They believe in Muhammad, and not in our holiday.[shows some Arabic writing]
And so, every December I go to the Middle East and say, [tosses the picture away]

[In the Middle East]
Hey there, Mr. Muslim, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Put down that book, the Koran, and hear some holiday wishes [rips the Koran out of the Muslim's hand and dresses him up as a tree]
In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus' birthday [removes the veils of two women]
So get off your heathen Muslim ass and fuckin' celebrate. [sticks a candy cane in the man's house]

There is no holiday season in India, I've heard. [pulls down a chart showing India's demerits.]
They don't hang up their stockings, and that is just absurd. [Stan and Kyle look at each other and shrug]
They've never read a Christmas story, they don't know what Rudolph is about.[holds up a book: "The Night Before Christmas"]
And that is why in December I'll go to India and shout,

[In India, next to a swami sitting on a bed of nails]
Hey there, Mr. Hinduist, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Drink eggnog and eat some beef, and pass it to the Missus. [gives beef to one man, pours eggnog on another]
In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus' birthday. [wraps a few people in Christmas lights]
So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fuckin' celebrate. [passes out wreaths]

Now, I heard that in Japan everyone just lives in sin.
They pray to several gods and put needles in their skin.
On December 25th all they do is eat a cake.
And that is why I go to Japan and walk around and say,

Hey there, Mr. Shintoist!, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
God is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum.
In case you haven't noticed, there's festive things to do. [throws some straw on the musicians]
So let's all rejoice for Jesus, and Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you. [knocks down the Shintoist and dumps gifts on him, and wraps others in lights]

[dressed as Santa, dances around the class]
On Christmas Day, I travel 'round the world and say,
"Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists, too!
Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you." [Mr. Hat claps]
Uh, thank you, Mr. Hat.

The anchorman reappears
Anchor
Frizzies, at 11.
Star Wars lettering: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"
Kids
Howdy-ho!
A happy Shelly Marsh plays piano, but...
Shelly

I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships come sailing in [Stan sticks out his tongue and wiggles his hands on his ears]
On Christmas Day, in the morning. [Kyle pulls the ends of his lips apart and goes cock-eyed]

And what was in those ships, all three? [Stan starts to slurp on his fingers, then the boys chuckle]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
And what- [turns and points at them]
Shut up, turds! [silence]
-was in those ships all three
On Christmas Day, in the morning?

The Virgin Mary and Christ were there [Stan mimics Shelly with exaggerated expression, Kyle stifles a laugh]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day [Kyle cracks up]
The Virgin Mary and-
Shut up, TUUUURDS! [The boys cover their mouths. Kyle stifles his laughing]
-Christ were there
On Christmas Day, in the morning.

Let us all rejoice, amain, [Stan pulls his cap over his face, Kyle flaps his ear flaps]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day [the boys burst our laughing]
And let- [walks to the boys]
I told you to shut up! [Stan stifles his laugh]
[back at the piano] -us all rejoice, amain,
On Christmas Day, in the morning. [the boys make faces again]

Shelly is starting to get pissed [the boys begin to chuckle]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day [the chuckle get louder]
Shelly got up and killed the turds [the laughs roll out]
On Christmas Day, in the MORNING! [picks up the piano...]

Stan
AAAA! [...and slams it down on the boys. She walks away.]
Back at the armchair...
Mr. Hankey
Golly, that sure was swell. I'd say my Christmas special is going super-fantastic. Well, now it's time to hear from perhaps the two most important people of the whole season.
McKemick's Night Club. Tonight: Jesus and Saint Nick. A man goes towards the club.
Emcee
Hello, everyone, and welcome to McKemick's. Now, please put your hands together and welcome... Saint Nicholas and Jesus Christ. [Jesus and Santa enter on stage, and the audience claps]
Santa
Hello, everybody!
Jesus
[waves] How are y'all doing tonight?
Santa
You know, Jesus, there've been so many songs written about us over the years.
Jesus
That's right, Santa, and we love each and every one of them. Like this one.

Joy to the world, for I have come.
Let earth receive Me!
Let every heart prepare Me room. [gets some applause]

Santa

And heaven and nature sing...

Jesus

And heaven and nature sing...

Santa

And heaven and nature sing...

Jesus

And heaven and na-

Both

And heaven and heaven and nature sing.

Santa

You know, Jesus, that is a nice song, but I like... this one:
Up on the housetop reindeer pause
Out jumps good old... me. [get some applause]
Down through the chimney with lots of toys
All for the little ones' Christmas joys

Both

[sway together]
Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go?
Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go?

Santa

Up on the housetop, click click click.
Down through the chimney with good old... me.

Jesus
He he hoo, get away! [pushes him away]
Santa
Go away??
Jesus
Get away.
Santa
Where away?
Jesus

[gets some applause]
Away in the manger, no crib for My bed
That's where cute little old Me lay down My sweet head.
The stars in the sky (Santa: Ooooo)

Both

Looked down where I lay.

Jesus

Cute little eight-pound me (Santa: Oo-oo)

Both

asleep in (Santa: on) the hay.

Jesus

[gets some applause and sings upbeat]
O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant
O come ye to Bethlehem to see-ee Me...

Santa
Here's one,

Jol-

Jesus

Hark, the herald angels sing, Glory-

Santa
Hey, it's my turn.
Jesus

-to Me!
Silent Night,

Santa
Uh.
Jesus

Holy Night

Santa

Santa Cl- em

Jesus

All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin, Mother and Me.

Santa

Saint Nicholas... can't think of one.

Jesus

Holy Me, so tender and mild.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
[slowing] Sleep in heavenly peace.

Santa
Okay, Jesus. Here's one you might remember:

Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand
Just like that river twistin' through the dusty land.

Jesus
Uh. Santa, Santa, Santa, that's not a Christmas song, bud. Ah... that's-
Santa
I know, but there's, like, three-hundred Jesus Christmas songs and only four fucking Santa ones! It's not fair! Just do it yourself! I'm leaving. [walks off the stage]
Jesus
Aw, come on, Santa. You can't leave.
Santa
Aw, fuck you, Jesus!
Jesus
But Santa... The weather outside is frightful
Santa
[offscreen] Aw.
Jesus

But the fire so delightful

Santa

[returns to the stage] Well, since I've no place to go.

Both

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. [more applause]

Jesus

It doesn't show signs of stoppin'.

Santa

But I brought some corn for poopity-poppin'.

Jesus

The lights are turned way down low, so
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
[Santa: Snow... snow... snow.]

Both

The fire is slowly dyin',

Santa

And, my dear, we're still good-bop-be-byein',

Jesus

But as long as you love me so,

Both

[they dance and hold hands, then Jesus twirls him. Santa spins off the stage]
Let it snow, let it snow,

Jesus

let it snow!

Santa

[slides back on stage on his knees]
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand!
[the club claps enthusiastically. The pianist winks at the duo and points at them. Jesus points back, and Santa holds up a thumb]

The anchorman reappears
Anchor
Fighting frizzies, at 11.
Star Wars lettering: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"
Kids
Howdy-ho!
A toilet bowl. Mr. Hankey is floating on the water there.
Mr. Hankey
Well, I guess that's about the end of my Christmas album. Gosh! It was sure nice hangin' out with y'all again. Well, I guess if there's just... one thing I have left to say, it would be this:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
May your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay. [hops out of the bowl]
From now on, our troubles will be miles away.
[hops onto a ham as a family of four looks on happily, leaves his mark,then hops onto his armchair]

With boys

[In the next scene Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny join him. Clips of Wendy, Sheila, the Mayor, Ms. Crabtree, and Liane follow.]
Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days, of yore.
[The females join Stan and Kyle: Wendy, Shelly, Sheila, Liane, Mrs. McCormick, Nurse Gollum, Principal Victoria, the Mayor, Sharon, and Ms. Crabtree.]
Faithful friends who are dear to us
[Cartman strokes Mr. Kitty. Stan and Kyle decorate the chandelier]
Gather near to us once more.
[Mr. Hankey hops onto Santa's shoulder as Jesus looks on]

The Boys

Through the years we all will be together
[the boys embrace shoulders and stand united]
If the Fates allow.
[the chandelier drops on Kenny and the others back away, shocked]

Mr. Hankey

Hang a shining star upon the highest bough. [Kyle lifts Mr. Hankey up to do this. Sharon hugs and kisses Stan, JFK and Hitler approach the fireplace and embrace]

With Boys

And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

[Some of the characters in the other songs come in and smile: Sheila, Gerald, Ike, Mr. Mackey in a bell, Satan, Jimmy the mailman, Jesus, Santa, Hitler, Mr. Garrison in Santa outfit, and Shelly. Kyle climbs down from the ladder with Mr. Hankey in hand and stands with Stan and Cartman, and rats rush in to chew on Kenny.]
Cartman
[takes Mr. Hankey from Kyle] Time to go, Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey
Goodbye, everybody, [Cartman flushes him down] and Meeeeerry Christmas! [Stan and Kyle join Cartman to see Mr. Hankey be flushed away.]
Kyle
[into the toilet bowl] Bye, Mr. Hankey. See you next year.
The camera zooms back from a pink house not seen before.
The anchorman reappears
Anchor
And now, fighting the frizzies. [begins to box what looks like a frizzy monster.]
"Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" plays as the anchor and the frizzy monster continue to box and the credits roll.
Anchor
Come on! Kick my ass! [he and the monster continue boxing]
End of Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics


  315: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" edit
Story Elements

Mr. HankeyMailman • "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo" • "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" • "O Tannenbaum" • "Christmas Time in Hell" • "O Holy Night" • "Merry Fucking Christmas" • "I Saw Three Ships" • "Christmas Medley" • "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" • "Carol of the Bells" • Anchorman

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Third Season