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Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics/Script

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The official script for "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo
  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Eric Cartman
  • Angels
  • Bradley Biggle
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Hat
  • Mailman
  • Satan
  • Adolf Hitler
  • Demons
  • Bailey
  • John F. Kennedy
  • John F. Kennedy Jr.
  • Jesus Christ
  • Santa Claus
  • Various Kids
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Shelly Marsh
  • News Anchor
  • Man on Porto Potty
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Ike Broflovski

Script

[A WSPK Channel 2 news anchorman appears]
Anchor: Fighting the frizzies, at 11.
[Intro. Mailman, tall and lanky with a very long cheek, walks into view]
Mailman :

We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose
And we all know Frosty who's made out of snow
But all of those stories seem kind of... gay
Cuz we all know who brightens up our holiday!

[Robert T. Pooner Presents. Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. A Collection of 10 Holiday Songs]
Mailman and Kids: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Mailman: Small and brown, he comes from you.
Mailman and Kids: Sit on the toilet; here he comes!
Mailman:

Squeeze in 'tween your festive buns. [A boy dances on his ass on the toilet]
A present from down below, [Timmy dances with some kids]
Spreading joy with a

Mailman and Kids: [the kids wave] Howdy Ho!
Mailman: [a kid holds up a Hankey X-ray] He's seen the love inside of you, 'cause
Mailman and Kids: [Mailman leads them] He's a piece of poo!
Mailman:

Sometimes he's nutty [a girl holds a drawing],
sometimes he's corny [she shows the next drawing].
He can be brown or greenish brown [Mailman holds two sheets of construction paper].

Kids: Mmm-mmm.
Mailman: But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve,

He might come to your town. [a boy has made a Hankeyman and added smudges of real poo]

Mailman and Kids: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Mailman: He loves me, I love you.

Therefore, vicariously he loves you

Bradley Biggle: [has pants pulled down behind a bush] I can make a Mr. Hankey, too! [craps]
Mr. Hankey:

[pops out from behind the bushes]
HOWDY HO!
I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
Season's greetings to all of you.
Let's sing songs and dance and play [moves in between two kids and holds hands with them]
Now, before I melt away [throws himself onto the Mailman's head]
Here's a game I like to play:
[skips onto every open mouth]
Stick me in your mouth and try to say,

All: "Howdy ho ho, yum yum yum."
Mr. Hankey: Christmastime has come!
Girl 1: Sometimes he's runny.
Boy 1: Sometimes he's firm.
Girl 2: Sometimes he's practically water.
Man on Porto Potty:

[opens the door] Sometimes he hangs off the end of your ass
And won't fall in the toilet
Cuz he's just clinging to your sphincter
And he won't drop off and so you ...shake your ass around
And try to get it to drop into the toilet
And finally it does.. [Timmy closes the door and clears his throat]

Mailman and Kids: [Mr. Hankey now leads them] Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Mailman: When Christmas leaves; he must leave too. [Santa lands with reindeer]
Mailman and Kids:

[Mr. Hankey hops on and waves good-bye. They wave good-bye back]
Flush him down, but he's ne-ver gone!
[normal. Santa takes off] His smell and his spirit ling-ers on!

Kids: Howdy Ho!
[Mr. Hankey is now shown seated on an armchair next to the crackling fireplace. Next to him is a small table with a gifts on it. Behind him is a Christmas tree with gifts at its base]
Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho, folks. We're gonna do somethin' a little bit different tonight. Instead of our normal thing, we're just gonna sit back and enjoy some holiday songs. And if ya don't like it, well, I guess you can suck my tiny little balls. So let's start off with a festive Hanukkah song, sung by my favorite Jewish person in the whole world.
[The Broflovski house, decorated for Channukah. A dreidel spins on the living room rug. Kyle and Ike watch it spin and fall]
Kyle:

Okay, Ike. You're my little brother, so I have to show you how to celebrate Hanukkah. [picks it up] This is called a dreidel. You spin it and see where it lands. And you sing this song:
[begins to dance]
I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.
And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall play. Oh,
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
[gives the dreidel to Ike. Cartman walks in]

Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you doing?!
Kyle: Oh! Hey Cartman. We're playing dreidel; you wanna try?
Cartman:

Sure. [takes it and walks up to the camera. Kyle sways to the song]
Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay.
But I'm not gonna play with it, 'cause dreidel's freakin' gay.

Kyle: [stops] Hey, shut your mouth, fatass!
Cartman:

[moves to block Kyle from view. Kyle moves to the other side of the screen to be seen. They go back and forth like this for a while]
Jews.. ...play stupid games
Jews... that's why they're lame.

Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Cartman: that's why they're lame.
Stan: [Enters] What's going on? ...Oh, it's that Hanukkah thing.
Cartman: It's sooo amazing! [shows the dreidel to Stan] You spin this thing on the ground and it goes 'round and 'round. I could watch it aaall day!
Stan:

Let me try. [takes it and spins it on the rug]
I'll try to make it spin.
It fell; I'll try again.

[together. Cartman remains still between Stan and Kyle as Ike dances on the sofa behind them]
Kyle: Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Stan: I'll try to make it spin.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: It fell; I'll try again.
[together, alternate with Cartman. Cartman walks behind the sofa, then pops up from the back. Above him is a string of Stars of David. Stan keeps trying...]
Kyle: Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: I'll try
Cartman: Jews..
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
Stan: to make it spin.
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: It fell;
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: I'll try again.
Cartman: that's why they're lame.
Kyle: Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: I'll try
[Cartman takes a Star of David down from the string and carries it out front]
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
Stan: to make it spin.
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: It fell;
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: I'll try again.
Cartman: that's why they're lame.
Sheila: Hello, boys!
Kyle: Hi, Mom!
Sheila: Oh, how precious! You boys are all playing dreidel. Now, you know that dreidel is a time-honored tradition for the Hebrew people.
Cartman: Yes, we know, Ms. Broflovski. It's so very interesting.
Sheila:

Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin
[spins herself]
You'll know our people always win.
Keep spinning:
Learn

Cartman: Jews...
Sheila: to make the dreidel spin [spins herself]
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Sheila: You'll know [high kick]
Cartman: Jews...
Sheila: our people always win.
Cartman: [hushed]] that's why they're lame. [Gerald enters]
Kyle: Oh, hi Dad.
Gerald: Hello, everybody. Say, can I join in?
Kyle:

Sure!
I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.
And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall- everybody!

[together, alternate with Cartman. All five break into song and dance. The boys dance in figure-8 form]
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: I'll try
Sheila: Now when you learn
Gerald: Courtney Cox,
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
Stan: to make it spin.
Sheila: to make the dreidel spin [spins herself]
Gerald: I love you.
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: It fell;
Sheila: You'll know [high kick. Gerald holds her]
Gerald: You're so hot
Cartman: Jews…
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: I'll try again.
Sheila: our people always win.
Gerald: on that show.
Cartman: that's why they're lame.
[All now dance in place]
Kyle: Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: I'll try
Sheila: Keep spinning: learn
Gerald: Courtney Cox,
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
Stan: to make it spin.
Sheila: to make the dreidel spin
Gerald: I love you.
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: It fell;
Sheila: You'll know
Gerald: You're so hot
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: I'll try again.
Sheila: our people always win.
Gerald: on that show.
[The others stop singing, but continue dancing]
Gerald: Courtney Cox, I love you. [Kyle stops and stares at Gerald]

You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.

Kyle: Dad? [Cartman stops]
Gerald: Courtney Cox,
Kyle: Dad.
Gerald: I- huh? [stops singing]
Kyle: We're singing about a dreidel.
Gerald: [stops dancing] ...Oh, sorry.
Sheila: We'll talk about this later, Gerald!
[together, alternate with Cartman, resume song and dance. Kyle is up front. Left: Cartman, Ike, and Gerald. Right: Stan and Sheila]
Kyle: Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: I'll try
Sheila: Now when you learn
Gerald: Courtney Cox,
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
Stan: to make it spin.
Sheila: to make the dreidel spin
Gerald: I love you.
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
[Front: Sheila. Left: Stan and Kyle. Right: Cartman, Ike, and Gerald]
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: It fell;
Sheila: You'll know
Gerald: You're so hot
Cartman: Jews...
[Front: Cartman. Left: Ike and Gerald. Right: Kyle and Sheila. Center: Stan]
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: I'll try again.
Sheila: our people always win.
Gerald: on that show.
Cartman: that's why they're lame.
[Front: Gerald. Left: Stan and Sheila. Right: Cartman, Ike, and Kyle.]
Kyle: Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: I'll try
Sheila: Keep spinning: learn
Gerald: Courtney Cox,
Cartman: Jews...
[Front: Stan. Left: Cartman and Gerald. Right: Ike, Kyle, and Sheila]
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
Stan: to make it spin.
Sheila: to make the dreidel spin
Gerald: I love you.
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
[Front: Ike. Left: Kyle and Stan. Right: Gerald and Cartman. Center: Sheila]
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: It fell;
Sheila: You'll know
Gerald: You're so hot
Cartman: Jews...
[big finish. Kyle steps forward. Left: Stan and Sheila. Right: Cartman and Gerald. On the sofa back: Ike. Some more dancing ensues]
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: I'll try again.
Sheila: our people- know our people always win.
Gerald: on that show.
Cartman: that's why they're lame.
[Ike releases the dreidel, which spins successfully. The camera zooms in, only to see it fall.]
[Back at the armchair...]
Mr. Hankey: Woohoo! Golly, that sure was fun. But now, for our next song, hold on to your bootstraps, 'cause we're gonna descend down into Hell!
[Hell. Flames abound here, but an ashen plain is seen with a little campfire on it. Hitler, shown in shades of gray, is on his knees in front of the fire, crying. Before him is a tree stand, but there's no tree in it.]
Adolf:

O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
wie treu sind deine Blätter.
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
[little Hitler is lifted up to put a star atop the Christmas tree]
wie treu sind deine Blätter.
De grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,
[little Hitler beans a Jewish boy down with a snowball]
Nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.
[Little Hitler looks at trees, and has visions of marching soldiers. He salutes.]
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
wie treu sind deine Blätter.
[live Nazi footage is superimposed on the fire. Hitler breaks down]

Satan: [walks up] Hey, Hitler. [turns to face him] What's the matter, little guy?
Adolf: Oh, oh Satan, der tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter.
Satan: Awww, you don't have a Christmas tree?
Adolf: …nur zur Sommerzeit, nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.
Satan:

[the damned appear around him] Well, I tell you what: Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas, right here! Come on, everyone, gather 'round!

String up the lights and light up the tree.
We're gonna make some revelry!
Spirits are high, so I can tell,
[two of the damned stand up and dance]
It's Christmastime in Hell.

Demons are nicer as you pass them by.
[passes them in front of Azrael's Toys]
There's lots of demon toys to buy.
The snow is falling, and all is well.
[a volcano behind the store erupts]
It's

With Demons: Christmastime in Hell!
Satan: There goes Jeffrey Dahmer with a festive Christmas ham.

[Dahmer walks out of a meat store and into the house next door] After he has sex with it, he'll eat up all he can. And there goes John F. Kennedy, caroling with his son. [they stop by to sing with him] </poem>

With the Kennedys: Reunited for the holidays, God bless us, everyone!
With the Damned: Everybody has a happy glow!

Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow.

Satan: Even Mao Tse Tung is under the spell [Mao is making a snow angel]
With Choir: It's Christmastime in Hell!
Satan: Adolf, here's a present for you! [hands him a present]
Adolf: Oh? [opens the gift, it's the Christmas tree he wanted] Ein tannenbaum! [hugs it]
Satan: Yes, ein tannenbaum.
Females: Aaa-aaa!
Satan:

God cast me down from heaven's door
[hops into a mining car and moves. Two demons man the front car]
To rule in Hell forevermore.
But now I'm kinda glad that I fell,

With Choir: 'Cause it's Christmastime in Hell!
With Males: Here's a rack to hang the stockings on [...the type of rack with a man stretched out on it]
With Females: We still have to shop for Genghis Khan [seen]
Satan: Michael Landon's hair looks swell.
With Choir: It's Christmastime in Hell!
Satan:

There's Princess Diana holding burning mistletoe
Over poor Gene Siskel's head; just watch his weenie grow.
[She does hold the mistletoe; Gene goes down on her]

With Choir:

For one day we all stop burning, and the flames are not so thick. [a demon turns down the flames]
All the screaming and the torture stops as we wait for Ol' Saint Nick!
So, [Satan sets some cookies on a small table; a demon brings him an armchair]
String up the lights and light up the tree.
[with him are Mao, Gene, Diana, JFK Sr. and Jr., and Dahmer]
We're damned for all eternity.
But for just one day all is well.
It's Christmastime in Hell!!!

Satan: Gather close together and make it quick!

We gotta make room for Andy Dick.[shows the picture]

With Choir: [slowing, takes away the set] Wake his mother and ring the bell. It's... [three demons dress Satan in a green cape and Santa cap]
Satan and Males: [normal, on an altar] Christmastime...
Females: Christmastime... [demons carry Christmas ornaments]
Males: Christmastime... [other fly up with angel wings]
Females: Christmastime... [others dance around a burning tree]
Satan and Males: Christmastime... [Satan on the stage. In front of him...]
Females: Christmastime... [one demon flies up and left]
Males: It's Christmastime... [one flies up and right]
Females: Christmastime... [one flies straight up]
All: It's Christ-mas-time in Hell!!!![the damned form circles around two trees. Demons hover around Satan]
Bailey: [walking by] Merry Christmas, movie house!
Satan: Brrrrrrroom! [Demons fly away]
[The anchorman reappears]
Anchor: Fighting the frizzies, at 11.
[Star Wars lettering: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"]
Kids: Howdy-ho!
[Mr. Mackey's house. He really decorated for the holidays. He comes out dressed as a bell]
Alone:

Uh.
Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.
All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay."

[a floating Mackey head appears to the upper right]
Center: Christmas is here, bringing good cheer

To young and old, meek and the bold

Right: Ding Dong

Ding Dong

[a second Mackey head appears on the lower left]
Center: Ding dong ding-dong, that is their song

With joyful ring, all caroling

Left: Ding Dong

Ding Dong

Right: Ding Dong

Ding M'kay

[three Mackeys appear in split-screen]
All: One seems to hear words of good cheer

From everywhere filling the air.

[a fourth Mackey, playing Scrabble, joins the other three, but sings his own part]
Centers and Right: O, how they pound raising their sound

O, here and there telling their tale

Left: O, wail

Telling their tale (daily now)

[all four, dressed as bells, are in front of the house]
All: Gaily they ring while people sing

Songs of good cheer. Christmas is here.!

[the four Mackeys are now small bells on a Christmas tree.]
Center 1: Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas

Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas

Center 2: Ding dong ding-dong, that is their song

With joyful ring, all caroling

Right: Ding Dong

Ding Dong ding-

Left: Ding- Can you hear them?

Ding- Can you hear them?

[the four appear normal in front of the house, then at the Scrabble table]
Left: On, on they send, on without end,

Their joyful tone to every home

Right: Ding Dong

Di-ing m'kay.

Centers: Ding Dong

Di-ing!

[one Mackey bell is alone in front of the house]
Center: Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.

All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay."

Right: Dong_____________
__________
Left: Dong_____________
____m'kay.
[all four Mackey bells appear, then Mr. Mackey is alone]
Left: On, on they send, on without end,

Their joyful tone to every home

Right: M'kay M'kay___________
Center: M'kay_________________
[the small Mackey bells appear one by one on the tree, then the four appear in front of the house]
All: Ding dong ding-dong, m'kay___
[one Mackey bell remains]
Center: M'kay.
[Back at the armchair...]
Mr. Hankey: Well, that was a nice little song, wasn't it? But let's not forget that for some people Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. So now, here's a more serious Christmas song, sung by Eric Cartman.
[The town of Bethlehem. Cartman is superimposed on it. He's in formal wear.]
Cartman:

And...
''O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shi-ning
[The Star of the Nativity appears, then the Three Wise Men]
It is the night of our dear Savior's b-b-b-birth
[The Nativity and Cartman are seen in the background, Formal Cartman vanishes]
O Holy Night, the- something, something, dis-- aah.
[Formal Cartman before a starry sky]
It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie.
[Present-day Cartman finishes decorating the tree, helps himself to a pie]
Jesus was born, and so I get presents.
[Little Drummer Cartman stands before the manger scene, Present-day Cartman is seen tearing into his gifts back at home.]
Thank you, Jesus, for being born. (Wo-o-o-o-o)
[back at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman turns to look at Baby Jesus.]
Fall (Fall) [four angels appear behind Formal Cartman]
On your knees (On your knees) [Cartman falls on his knees]
And hear (Can't you hear)
The angels'.. something (Voices)
O night (O night)
[Present-day Cartman tosses in bed, which is covered in candy canes]
Divine (Divine)
[Formal Cartman] The night
When I get presents (O-o)
[at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman takes the gifts meant for Jesus]
O night (O o-night) [loads them up on his camel, with other presents]
Di-viiine! [Present-day Cartman rips into more presents at home]
[Formal Cartman] O night (Ooo-ooo)
O night, di-vine! [Little Drummer Cartman leads the gift-laden camels away]
Oh. Ah. Ch.

[Back at the armchair..]
Mr. Hankey: Well, oh boy, that was a super song! And now, let's hear from the school teacher, Mr. Garrison.
[South Park Elementary. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison has drawn a world map on the board.]
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. Today we're going to learn how different cultures around the world celebrate the holiday season.
Class: [flatly] Awww.
Kenny: (What?!)
Mr. Garrison:

Now, pay attention. Ahem...
I heard there is no Christmas in the silly Middle East [points it out]
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus; They have different religious beliefs
They believe in Muhammad, and not in our holiday.[shows some Arabic writing]
And so, every December I go to the Middle East and say, [tosses the picture away]

[In the Middle East]
Hey there, Mr. Muslim, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Put down that book, the Koran, and hear some holiday wishes [rips the Koran out of the Muslim's hand and dresses him up as a tree]
In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus' birthday [removes the veils of two women]
So get off your heathen Muslim ass and fuckin' celebrate. [sticks a candy cane in the man's house]

There is no holiday season in India, I've heard. [pulls down a chart showing India's demerits.]
They don't hang up their stockings, and that is just absurd. [Stan and Kyle look at each other and shrug]
They've never read a Christmas story, they don't know what Rudolph is about.[holds up a book: "The Night Before Christmas"]
And that is why in December I'll go to India and shout,

[In India, next to a swami sitting on a bed of nails]
Hey there, Mr. Hinduist, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Drink eggnog and eat some beef, and pass it to the Missus. [gives beef to one man, pours eggnog on another]
In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus' birthday. [wraps a few people in Christmas lights]
So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fuckin' celebrate. [passes out wreaths]

Now, I heard that in Japan everyone just lives in sin.
They pray to several gods and put needles in their skin.
On December 25th all they do is eat a cake.
And that is why I go to Japan and walk around and say,

Hey there, Mr. Shintoist!, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
God is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum.
In case you haven't noticed, there's festive things to do. [throws some straw on the musicians]
So let's all rejoice for Jesus, and Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you. [knocks down the Shintoist and dumps gifts on him, and wraps others in lights]

[dressed as Santa, dances around the class]
On Christmas Day, I travel 'round the world and say,
"Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists, too!
Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you." [Mr. Hat claps]
Uh, thank you, Mr. Hat.

[The anchorman reappears]
Anchor: Frizzies, at 11.
[Star Wars lettering: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"]
Kids: Howdy-ho!
[A happy Shelly Marsh plays piano, but...]
Shelly:

I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships come sailing in [Stan sticks out his tongue and wiggles his hands on his ears]
On Christmas Day, in the morning. [Kyle pulls the ends of his lips apart and goes cock-eyed]

And what was in those ships, all three? [Stan starts to slurp on his fingers, then the boys chuckle]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
And what- [turns and points at them]
Shut up, turds! [silence]
-was in those ships all three
On Christmas Day, in the morning?

The Virgin Mary and Christ were there [Stan mimics Shelly with exaggerated expression, Kyle stifles a laugh]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day [Kyle cracks up]
The Virgin Mary and-
Shut up, TUUUURDS! [The boys cover their mouths. Kyle stifles his laughing]
-Christ were there
On Christmas Day, in the morning.

Let us all rejoice, amain, [Stan pulls his cap over his face, Kyle flaps his ear flaps]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day [the boys burst our laughing]
And let- [walks to the boys]
I told you to shut up! [Stan stifles his laugh]
[back at the piano] -us all rejoice, amain,
On Christmas Day, in the morning. [the boys make faces again]

Shelly is starting to get pissed [the boys begin to chuckle]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day [the chuckle get louder]
Shelly got up and killed the turds [the laughs roll out]
On Christmas Day, in the MORNING! [picks up the piano...]

Stan: AAAA! [...and slams it down on the boys. She walks away.]
[Back at the armchair...]
Mr. Hankey: Golly, that sure was swell. I'd say my Christmas special is going super-fantastic. Well, now it's time to hear from perhaps the two most important people of the whole season.
[McKemick's Night Club. Tonight: Jesus and Saint Nick. A man goes towards the club. ]
Emcee: Hello, everyone, and welcome to McKemick's. Now, please put your hands together and welcome... Saint Nicholas and Jesus Christ. [Jesus and Santa enter on stage, and the audience claps]
Santa: Hello, everybody!
Jesus: [waves] How are y'all doing tonight?
Santa: You know, Jesus, there've been so many songs written about us over the years.
Jesus:

That's right, Santa, and we love each and every one of them. Like this one.
Joy to the world, for I have come.
Let earth receive Me!
Let every heart prepare Me room. [gets some applause]

Santa: And heaven and nature sing...
Jesus: And heaven and nature sing...
Santa: And heaven and nature sing...
Jesus: And heaven and na-
Both: And heaven and heaven and nature sing.
Santa:

You know, Jesus, that is a nice song, but I like... this one:
Up on the housetop reindeer pause
Out jumps good old... me. [get some applause]
Down through the chimney with lots of toys
All for the little ones' Christmas joys

Both:

[sway together]
Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go?
Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go?

Santa: Up on the housetop, click click click.

Down through the chimney with good old... me.

Jesus: He he hoo, get away! [pushes him away]
Santa: Go away??
Jesus: Get away.
Santa: Where away?
Jesus:

[gets some applause]
Away in the manger, no crib for My bed
That's where cute little old Me lay down My sweet head.
The stars in the sky (Santa: Ooooo)

Both: Looked down where I lay.
Jesus: Cute little eight-pound me (Santa: Oo-oo)
Both: asleep in (Santa: on) the hay.
Jesus:

[gets some applause and sings upbeat]
O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant
O come ye to Bethlehem to see-ee Me...

Santa: Here's one, Jol-
Jesus: Hark, the herald angels sing, Glory-
Santa: Hey, it's my turn.
Jesus: -to Me!

Silent Night,

Santa: Uh.
Jesus: Holy Night
Santa: Santa Cl- em
Jesus: All is calm, all is bright

'Round yon Virgin, Mother and Me.

Santa: Saint Nicholas... can't think of one.
Jesus:

Holy Me, so tender and mild.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
[slowing] Sleep in heavenly peace.

Santa:

Okay, Jesus. Here's one you might remember:
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand
Just like that river twistin' through the dusty land.

Jesus: Uh. Santa, Santa, Santa, that's not a Christmas song, bud. Ah... that's-
Santa: I know, but there's, like, three-hundred Jesus Christmas songs and only four fucking Santa ones! It's not fair! Just do it yourself! I'm leaving. [walks off the stage]
Jesus: Aw, come on, Santa. You can't leave.
Santa: Aw, fuck you, Jesus!
Jesus: But Santa... The weather outside is frightful
Santa: [offscreen] Aw.
Jesus: But the fire so delightful
Santa: [returns to the stage] Well, since I've no place to go.
Both: Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. [more applause]
Jesus: It doesn't show signs of stoppin'.
Santa: But I brought some corn for poopity-poppin'.
Jesus:

The lights are turned way down low, so
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
[Santa: Snow... snow... snow.]

Both: The fire is slowly dyin',
Santa: And, my dear, we're still good-bop-be-byein',
Jesus: But as long as you love me so,
Both: [they dance and hold hands, then Jesus twirls him. Santa spins off the stage]

Let it snow, let it snow,

Jesus: let it snow!
Santa:

[slides back on stage on his knees]
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand!
[the club claps enthusiastically. The pianist winks at the duo and points at them. Jesus points back, and Santa holds up a thumb]

[The anchorman reappears]
Anchor: Fighting frizzies, at 11.
[Star Wars lettering: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"]
Kids: Howdy-ho!
[A toilet bowl. Mr. Hankey is floating on the water there.]
Mr. Hankey:

Well, I guess that's about the end of my Christmas album. Gosh! It was sure nice hangin' out with y'all again. Well, I guess if there's just... one thing I have left to say, it would be this:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
May your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay. [hops out of the bowl]
From now on, our troubles will be miles away.
[hops onto a ham as a family of four looks on happily, leaves his mark,then hops onto his armchair]

With boys:

[In the next scene Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny join him. Clips of Wendy, Sheila, the Mayor, Ms. Crabtree, and Liane follow.]
Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days, of yore.
[The females join Stan and Kyle: Wendy, Shelly, Sheila, Liane, Mrs. McCormick, Nurse Gollum, Principal Victoria, the Mayor, Sharon, and Ms. Crabtree.]
Faithful friends who are dear to us
[Cartman strokes Mr. Kitty. Stan and Kyle decorate the chandelier]
Gather near to us once more.
[Mr. Hankey hops onto Santa's shoulder as Jesus looks on]

The Boys:

Through the years we all will be together
[the boys embrace shoulders and stand united]
If the Fates allow.
[the chandelier drops on Kenny and the others back away, shocked]

Mr. Hankey: Hang a shining star upon the highest bough. [Kyle lifts Mr. Hankey up to do this. Sharon hugs and kisses Stan, JFK and Hitler approach the fireplace and embrace]
With Boys: And have yourself a merry little Christmas now. [Some of the characters in the other songs come in and smile: Sheila, Gerald, Ike, Mr. Mackey in a bell, Satan, Jimmy the mailman, Jesus, Santa, Hitler, Mr. Garrison in Santa outfit, and Shelly. Kyle climbs down from the ladder with Mr. Hankey in hand and stands with Stan and Cartman, and rats rush in to chew on Kenny.]
Cartman: [takes Mr. Hankey from Kyle] Time to go, Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey: Goodbye, everybody, [Cartman flushes him down] and Meeeeerry Christmas! [Stan and Kyle join Cartman to see Mr. Hankey be flushed away.]
Kyle: [into the toilet bowl] Bye, Mr. Hankey. See you next year.
[The camera zooms back from a pink house not seen before.]
[The anchorman reappears]
Anchor: And now, fighting the frizzies. [begins to box what looks like a frizzy monster.]
[End of Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" plays as the anchor and the frizzy monster continue to box and the credits roll.]
Anchor: Come on! Kick my ass! [he and the monster continue boxing]



  315: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" edit
Story Elements

Mr. HankeyMailman • "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo" • "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" • "O Tannenbaum" • "Christmas Time in Hell" • "O Holy Night" • "Merry Fucking Christmas" • "I Saw Three Ships" • "Christmas Medley" • "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" • "Carol of the Bells" • Anchorman

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Third Season

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