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The official script for "Mecha-Streisand" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Mecha-Streisand
Southwest Colorado, Site B. The kids are on a field trip
Anthropologist
...And so, these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the earth's crust. We dig them up, polish them off, and find over twelve new arrowheads every month.
Cartman
Boooriing.
The class laughs.
Mr. Garrison
Eric, keep quiet. I'm trying to sleep.
Under the morning edition of the ROCKY MTN. NEWS, with Mr. Hankey as the lead story.
Anthropologist
Now, can anybody tell me, who left these arrowheads here?
Stan
Isn't that your job?
Anthropologist
Well... yes, but I want to see if you're learning anything.
Stan
Oooh.
Anthropologist
Okay, I tell you what. Why don't we all grab our little anthropology pickaxes - that were handed out and we wuh dig for our very own Indian arrowheads.
The class cheers, scatters, get some pickaxes and start picking away at the site.
Cartman

Day is never finished,
Massa got me working
Someday Massa set me free...

Stan
Dude. Shut up, Cartman.
Pip
Oh! Oh I think I found one!
Reaching down for an arrowhead.
Cartman takes notice.
Cartman
No, I found it.
Pip
Oh. I do believe I found it first.
Cartman
No, I did, Pip.
Pip
Oh dear.
Cartman
Well, I guess we'll have to ro-sham-bo for it.
Pip
What do you mean?
Cartman
Well. First I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can, and we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. The last one standing gets the arrowhead.
Pip
Oh. By, weh. I suppose if I must.
Cartman
Okay, ready? I'll go first.
Cartman back up, then runs at Pip, and kicks him in the nuts. Pip goes down in pain. The other kids laugh.
Pip
Well-uh I, I guess you win.
Cartman
Huh I don't care. You can have this stupid arrowhead, I don't want it.
Tosses it back to Pip. The kids resume digging.
Cartman

Day is never finished,
Massa got me working...

Oh, look, I found another one.

He looks it over.
Cartman
Ooh, this is just a stupid triangle!
He tosses this one away, as well. It lands before Kyle.
Kyle
Whoa. Check it out, dude.
Kyle picks up the triangle.
Kyle
It's got little drawings on it.
Stan comes over to check it out.
Stan
What is it?
Kyle
I don't know.
The triangle flickers, then glows for a moment.
Stan
Whoa!
Kyle
That was cool!
Cartman rushes over.
Cartman
Eeyy! Give me that back!
Kyle
You threw it away, Cartman! It's mine now.
Cartman
We'll ro-sham-bo for it!
Kyle
No way, fatty, it's mine!
Cartman
ANTHROPOLOGIST!
Anthropologist
[Strolling over.] How's it going, boys?
Cartman
I found a magic triangle, and this greedy son of a bitch took it from me!
Kyle
You threw it away, fatso!
Anthropologist
Hm, let me see that. [Examines it.] Why, this is Anasazi writing! My God, this must be thousands of years old!
Cartman
[To Kyle.] Come on, let me kick you in the nuts for it!
Kyle takes the triangle from the anthropologist and walks away.
News 4, Special Report.
Anchor
...and finally tonight, a young boy from South Park, Colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. Here with a special report is a quadriplegic Swiss man on a pony.
Quadriplegic Swiss man
Thanks, Tom, the little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object.
Kyle
Well, I was just digging around, and I was all like, 'dude, I found this triangle' and my friends were like, 'dude' and I was all like 'dude.'
Cartman
...and I told him. I said, 'Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts.' But he didn't give it back to me. So I kicked him square - in the nuts, and he cried - like Nancy Kerrigan!
Kyle
[Off camera,] You liar, Cartman!
Cartman
Screw you, triangle thief!
Quadriplegic Swiss man
And so, the little boy will take his discovery home and perhaps donate it to science... mwell a little later. Back to you, Dave.
Dave
Thanks Tom. Those are some cute, cute kids, except for that last one-he's a little tubby.
Cartman pops up before the camera.
Cartman
Eeyy!
Kyle's house. The boys have returned from their trip.
Stan
What are you going to do with it, dude?
Kyle
I'm going to put it in my room, where Cartman can't find it.
Cartman
Oh I'll find it, don't worry!
Kyle enters his room and closes the door. Cartman rushes up to it and jumps on the door knob.
Cartman
God - dammit, give me my triangle, Kyle, seriously.
Stan
You did throw it away, Cartman.
Cartman
I was just setting it aside.
Stan
Well, you might as well let it go.
Cartman
Never! I'll get that triangle if it's the last thing I do!
School cafeteria. Chef is preparing a dish.
Chef

Give me a little bit of that pepper
Give me a little bit of that salt
Put it in the skillet and cook it...

Leonard Maltin
Excuse me, sir...
Chef
Can I help-ey, you're that movie critic - guy on TV.
Leonard Maltin
Leonard Maltin, yes.
Chef
Well, I'll be a teenage girl backstage at am Aerosmith concert. Leonard Maltin in my cafeteria. I'm Chef.
Leonard Maltin
I know who you are. You must listen to me, Chef. We have precious little time. Have you seen Barbra Streisand recently?
Chef
Barbra Streisand? You mean like, the Barbra Streisand?
Leonard Maltin
Have you seen her?!
Chef
No. Not since Yentl.
Leonard Maltin
Thank God. Then I'm not too late.
Chef
Too late for what?
Leonard Maltin
Chef, it is of the utmost importance that you tell me where those little boys from the news report on TV are.
Chef
Why do you care?
The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are working on a snowman as Cartman and Kenny watch.
Stan
I have a button we can use for his nose.
Kenny
(Yeah, and I got this nice marble sack to go with this carrot stick, see?)
Kyle
What would we use a marble sack for?
Cartman
Be careful where you put that carrot. Kyle might steal it.
Kyle
I didn't steal anything.
Cartman looks away so as to not see Kyle.
Cartman
Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm not speaking with him?
Kyle
Good!
Kyle looks back as helicopter blades are heard.
Cartman
What's that noise?
A pink helicopter descends.
Kyle
Whoa!
Cartman
Aaah! Aliens!
Cartman covers his butt. The helicopter lands, the door opens, and Barbra Streisand appears.
Barbra Streisand
Who is the boy I saw on the news report tonight?
Stan and Kenny point at Kyle.
Barbra Streisand
Hello there, little boy. Do you know who I am?
Kyle
No.
Barbra Streisand

Ugh. I bet you do.}}
I'm going-

Kyle
Aagh! Stop that!
Barbra Streisand

-where there's lucky clovers in the f-

Stan
Ow, that sucks, dude!
Barbra Streisand
I'm Barbra Streisand!
Stan
...so?
Barbra Streisand
So?! Uh muh, so I'm a very famous and very important individual.
Stan
Like John Elway important?
Barbra Streisand
What?!
Stan
D'you know John Elway?
Barbra Streisand
No!
Stan
Oh, so you're really famous and important but you don't know John Elway!
Barbra Streisand
Ugh. Look. Little boy, I understand that you found a neat little triangle near here, you know what I'm talking about?
Kyle
Yyeeaahh.
Cartman
No! I found it, he stole it!
Kyle
You threw it away, Cartman!
Cartman
I'm not talking to him, because he's a dirty thief.
Barbra Streisand
Well, little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle?
Kyle
Yeah. How'd you know?
Barbra Streisand
Okay, now this is very important. Where is the triangle of Zinthar now?
Kyle
Triangle of Zinthar?
Stan
Why do you wanta know, lady?!
Barbra Streisand
I'm not talking to you, you piss-ant little hick!
Stan
Whoa, dude!
Barbra Streisand
Where is the triangle, dammit?!
She picks up Kyle by the throat.
Kyle
AAAAAA!
Barbra drops Kyle as Officer Barbrady approaches.
Officer Barbrady
What seems to be the problemo here?
Barbra Streisand
Problemo? Huh, There's no problemo, Officer. I was just introducing myself to these charming little boys.
Cartman
Na-ah! She's being a total bitch!
Officer Barbrady
Boys, shouldn't you be in school?
Stan
It's Saturday.
Officer Barbrady
No excuses, move along, you little troublemakers!
The boys leave. Kyle lucked out.
Barbra faces Officer Barbrady.
Barbra Streisand
...Well?!
Officer Barbrady
Well what?
Barbra Streisand
You know who I am, don't you?
Officer Barbrady
Well, you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass!
Barbra Streisand
Waaaaaaah!
She leaves in a huff.
Officer Barbrady
Hoh, what a bitch!
Kyle's house. Chef and Leonard Maltin are at the door
Chef rings the bell and knocks.
Chef
I guess he's not home, Leonard Maltin.
Leonard Maltin
Damn! Then we must look for them elsewhere.
Chef
Come on, man. What is this all about?
Leonard Maltin
If Barbra Streisand saw the same report I did, then those boys are in grave danger. If you were Barbra Streisand, where would you be right now?
Chef
Hmmm.
A picture of Tom's Rhinoplasty pops into his head.
Leonard Maltin
Nono! I mean, where would she be staying?
Chef
Oh. Uh, well, I always heard that Ms. Streisand had her own $4 million condominium - up near the ski slope.
Leonard Maltin
Where?
Chef
Uh I don't know. Ih-ih it was just a rumor.
Leonard Maltin
Dammit man, where's your car?!
Barbra Streisand's four million dollar condo in the mountains.
Barbra Streisand
He has it, Milo. That little bastard has the triangle.
Milo
Are you sure?
Barbra Streisand
I'm sure! He knew about the symbol of Krewluck!
Milo
Then why don't we go get it?
Barbra Streisand
A cop showed up - he's a clever one - I can't blow everything now that I'm this close. Everything must be handled very carefully.
She goes to some bookshelves and pulls on a book, on the top of which is a secret button. She presses the button and the shelf rotates to reveal a pedestal with two holders. One triangle is already in one holder, the other one is still alone.
Barbra Streisand
How many years has it been, Milo? Thirty? Forty? For so long I have waited to find the other triangle, and now I am so close. The Dawn of Zinthar is close at hand!
She laughs rather hysterically.
Kyle's bedroom. He's asleep. A model of the solar system, a picture of him and his elephant, and the Triangle of Zinthar can be seen on his dresser. The camera pans up to see a saw cutting through the ceiling. The hole is made and the cut piece is pushed unto the floor. Kyle flinches and turns around, now facing the wall. A rope comes down and footfalls are heard. Kyle adjusts himself. A pair of eyes looks around and sees the triangle, then Kyle, then back to the triangle. The eyes approach and two hands reach out to grab the triangle.
Ike
Cokeshen.
Cartman is distracted, knocking down the picture, waking up Kyle.
Kyle
Cartman?
Cartman
[Revealing himself.] You scared the crap out of me, Ike!
Kyle
What the hell are you doing?!
Cartman
I'm trying to get my tri- wait a minute, I'm not talking to you. Ike, will you tell Kyle that I was trying to get my triangle back?
Ike
Rear trohtru badt.
Kyle
Well, Ike. You can tell Cartman that it's my triangle!
Ike
Cookeh monter.
Cartman
Well, you can tell Kyle that he's a dirty goddamn son of a bitch!!
Ike
Ahtoahtahneurah.
Kyle gets out of bed.
Kyle
Alright, alright! If it means that much to you, take the stupid triangle!
Cartman
Huh?!
Kyle
If it'll make you leave me alone, then just take the damned thing! Here!
Kyle hands him the triangle.
Kyle
There. Now, get out of my house! And I hope you feel really, really good about yourself!
Cartman looks at the triangle.
Cartman
Hell, yeah I do, I got the triangle.

I got the triangle,
I got the triangle,
dee dun dee dun

He backs up and goes out the door. Kyle goes back to sleep. Meanwhile, in Chef's Town and Country, He and Maltin are driving around.
Leonard Maltin
Are you sure Barbra Streisand has a condo up here?
Chef
It was just a rumor. A lot of big celebrities have mountain condos.
Leonard Maltin
Then we've got to keep looking.
Chef
[Braking hard.] Alright. Leonard Maltin, this has gone far enough! I ain't drivin' another mile until you tell me what this is all about!
Leonard Maltin
Haven't you ever been curious about the insanity Barbra Streisand exhibits?
Chef
Well, I always heard she was kind of a bitch, but-.
Leonard Maltin
More than a bitch! She's a calculating, self-centered egotistical bitch! She was born in a small town, her mother was a jackal, and her father was an insurance salesman.
Chef
Woohoohoohoo. An insurance salesman?
Leonard Maltin
When she was five, she knew that she wanted to be a famous singer, but by the time she was six, her ambitions became to rule the universe. She learned of an ancient diamond, the Diamond of Pantheos.
Chef
Okay. You know what? Never mind, I don't need to know all this!
Starts up the station wagon.
Chef
Forget I asked!
Leonard Maltin
Before she was seven the keepers of Pantheos learned of this insane little girl's wish. The diamond was split up, and buried at opposite ends of the world. But then, during the shooting of My Fair Lady, Barbra Streisand found one of the triangles.
Chef
And the other triangle is the one that little Kyle has?
Leonard Maltin
Yes, Mr. Chef. If Babs gets a hold of that other triangle, she will fulfill her prophecy, and become the most threatening thing ever known to mankind. Mecha-Streisand!
Chef
Mega-Streisand? Oh, man, I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound good.
The bus stop, Monday.
Stan
Man, the bus sure is late.
Cartman
Hmmm. I wonder what I should do with my triangle, now that it is mmyy triangle.
Kyle
Dammit Cartman! I gave it to you so you would shut... up.
Barbra Streisand pulls up in her car wearing a Groucho Marx face mask, and steps out.
Barbra Streisand
Oh, hello there, little boys. How are you today?
Stan
Fine.
Barbra Streisand
That is great. My name is Mrs. Jones, and I am a very friendly, nice person.
The four boys stand silent.
Barbra Streisand
I hear that one of you found my triangle.
Kyle
Your triangle?
Barbra Streisand
Yes. You see, that triangle is part of my kidney dialysis machine. I'm so glad you found it, because without it I was sure to die within hours.
Cartman
Oh no you don't! Finders Keepers!
Barbra Streisand
But I'll die.
Cartman
Well, I guess we'll have to ro-sham-bo for it. I'll kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me square in the nuts as hard as you can...
Barbra Streisand
I want to give you a big cash reward for finding it. It's worth a lot of money to me.
Cartman
It is?
Stan
Hey, no wonder that Barbra Streisand lady wanted it.
Barbra Streisand
Oooh, hahahah. Who is that?
Kyle
Oh, just this really really old lady who wishes she was still only 45.
The boys laugh and Barbra seethes.
Stan
Yeah, and you should have seen her nose. It was big enough to land stealth bombers on.
The boys laugh again and Barbra gets angrier.
Cartman
Yeeh, stealth bombers.
The boys laughs some more.
CartmanYeah, and talk about a bitch, I haven't seen-
Dialog
Barbra Streisand
ENOUGH!!
The boys are suddenly horrified.
Barbra Streisand
Oh, Haa-ha. Anyway, if you'll come with me in my car, I'll take you up to my condo where I'll kill you - I I mean-uh, uh give you - money - for the triangle.
Cartman
Sweet! I'm gonna be rich. Bet you wish you hadn't given me that triangle back now, huh, Kyle? Dumbass!
Heads for the car.
Kyle
Wait. Isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?
Cartman
No, not when money is involved, stupid!
The kids climb into her car and Barbra revs it up.
Fanfare. Hollywood, at Direct to Video Studios.
Director
And. Action!
Sidney Poitier
[To Sally Struthers.] Rebecca, I'm a man. A man like any other with dreams and emotions. And that's why I'll never put a foreign object up my ass.
Director
Cut, great, print that. Excellent work, Sid. Take five, guys, let's set up for the next shot.
Sidney heads for his dressing room, enters, and heads for the mirror.
A clam shell opens up revealing two tiny princesses.
Princesses
Hello.
Sidney Poitier
Huh?
Princesses
You must hurry! A young man has found the Triangle of Zinthar.
Sidney Poitier
Where?
Princesses
At a small piss-ant white-bread mountain town in Colorado called South Park.
Sidney Poitier
Excellent!
Back at Barbra's condo.
Barbra Streisand
Eh. Soon, the triangle of Zinthar will be mine, and I will be the biggest, most famous person ever!
Cartman is strapped to a rack, the others hang from chains.
Cartman
Ugh. Let me go! Seriously!
Stan
Yeah, let us go!
Barbra Streisand
You fools have no idea the powers that you are meddling with! I'll teach you to meddle with my triangle!
Pulls the lever next to her.
The ropes start to tighten on the rack.
Cartman
Eey! It's not my triangle, it's Kyle's!
Kyle
Hey! Don't try to pass it back on me, fat-ass!
Cartman
Eechh! Screw you, hippie! Eeeh-eh.
Barbra Streisand
Wheeere is the triangle of Zinthar?!
Cartman
I don't remember.
Kyle
Goddammit tell her! I wanna go home!
Barbra Streisand
[Slowly.] Maybe this will help jar your memory...
Cartman
No! Don't!
She starts singing again and the kids scream with pain.
Cartman
AAAAAA! AAAAADUH!
Barbra Streisand
NOOOW do you remember?!
Cartman
WAAAGH! Damn your black heart, Barbra Streisand!
Stan
Ugh. I don't know how much more I can take, dude.
Barbra Streisand
Alright. You asked for it!

I'm gonna tell you now...

The boys resume their screaming.
Chef's Town and Country. Still looking...
Chef
Eeeeh-I don't know, man. Maybe Barbra Streisand doesn't have a place up here after all.
Leonard Maltin
Well, looks like we'll have to go to plan B.
Chef
There's a plan B? Why the hell have we been driving around all night and day for, when there's a plan B.
Leonard Maltin
Have you ever heard of the band called, The Cure?
Chef
Ooh, come oonn! Don't tell me The Cure has something to do with this too!
Leonard Maltin
No, no. Just the lead singer. [He starts convulsing.] Oh! Ah!
Chef
Who-o-oa! What's the matter, Leonard Maltin?
Leonard Maltin
She's close! She's very close-I can feel her.
Chef
Where?
Leonard Maltin
Sh-She has the boys! The, they're in trouble!
Chef
Ooh, fudge!
Leonard Maltin
Keep going this way! Hurry!
They round a bend and disappear.
The condo.
Barbra Streisand

Happiness with you is like happiness...

The boys are still screaming.
Cartman
Okay, okay. I'll tell where the triangle is, it's inside my shoe.
Milo approaches and removes Cartman's right shoe.
Kyle
Aagh! For Christ's sake, Cartman, when was the last time you changed your socks?
Cartman
I suppose your socks smell like the Botanical Gardens!
Milo hands the triangle to Barbra.
Barbra Streisand
Finally, the triangle is mine! After centuries of waiting, I finally have the triangle of Zinthar! Now, the Diamond of Pantheos is complete.
Barbra joins the triangles and the resulting diamond begins to spin and glow.
Barbra Streisand
Sugoi! Kono ima... atarashii hajimari da! Ima kara... atashi no na mae wa... (Wow! This is... a new beginning! From now on... my name will be...)
A strobe flash goes off when the diamond reaches the height of its brilliance, and the pedestal the diamonds were on shines very brightly thereafter.
Stan
Whoa, dude!
Flashes of light continue to escape the diamond, and Barbra beings to transform.
Barbra Streisand
...Mecha... Barbura... Sutoraisando!
She grows as she transforms, breaking through the roof, then lets out a roar and leaves her condo as a giant mechanical lizard.
Stan
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
South Park. Mecha Streisand arrives.
Jimbo
Holy crap, Ned! That's the biggest Goddamned deer I have ever seen!
Reporter
...and so, just weeks after the devastating attack of mutant genetic creatures, zombies, and Thanksgiving turkeys, the town of South Park has managed to rebuild itself, once again be-
Mecha Streisand appears behind him, holding a car, and lets out a roar as she devours it.
Reporter
Oh, Goddammit, not again!
She rips the roof off the new Sushi Bar.
Singer

Bar-bura, Bar-bura...
[she crushes the sushi bar with her foot]
...kirai no hito. (you are so hateful)
[She steps off the sushi bar. The Mayor is watching from her window across the street]
Bar-bura, Bar-bura...
[Mecha Streisand throws the roof away, then rips the roof off the building next to it, grabs two people, but drops one of them]
...anata no hi. (today is your day)
[The Mayor looks on, mortified. Her door opens]

Assistant
Mayor! Barbra Streisand is-
Mayor
I noticed! Call the National Guard!
Her assistant leaves as Mecha Streisand roars again.
Mayor
Ohohohoh, we'll get you, you bitch.
Mecha Streisand grabs the building and shakes the people out of it.
Mayor
And to think I actually watched your HBO special.
The condo. Chef and Leonard Maltin arrive.
Chef
Children!
The boys
Chef!
Leonard Maltin notices the gaping hole in the ceiling.
Leonard Maltin
Oh no! No! She has joined the two triangles?
Cartman
Yes! She stole my triangle!
Stan
Get us down from here!
Chef tries to remove the chains from Stan's wrists.
Chef
I can't - break these - locks!
Leonard Maltin
Stand back, Chef!
Chef stands back as Leonard Maltin does a few martial arts moves.
Leonard Maltin
Marutam Re!
His eyes send out laser beams. He first frees Stan and Kyle, then Cartman and Kenny.
Kyle
Whoa, that was cool!
Leonard Maltin
I've got to go after Mecha Streisand! Chef, I need you to call Robert Smith of The Cure at this number!
Stan
Robert Smith? Sweet!
A studio. Robert Smith picks up the phone.
Robert Smith
Hello?
Chef
Uuuh, yes. Is this Robert Smith of the Cure?
Robert Smith
Yes i' is.
Chef
This may sound kind of strange, but... Leonard Maltin asked me to call you.
Robert Smith
Ooooooh so Barbra Streisand's found the other triangle, eh?
Chef is stunned.
South Park. Looks pretty devastated. The National Guard is pulling in.
Sergeant
All right, men, give 'er everything you've got!
Mecha Streisand roars down at them, and they fire rockets at her from all around, to no effect. Helicopters surround her and fire away. Jimbo and Ned are in one of them, with Ned piloting.
Jimbo
Get around th' side there, Ned. I can't get a shot in from here.
Ned circles around to her face.
Ned
Okay. Aah! aah! I'm scaared!
Jimbo fires a shoulder rocket, but it just bounces off her shoulder. She rears back and swats Their helicopter out of the sky. The other helicopters scatter.
Singer

Bar-bura, Bar-bura, ugoina chichi da.
(Barbra, Barbra, those tits are wonderful)

Sergeant
[To his commander.] It's no use! Our firepower has no effect!
Sheila
Oh my God, it is you! Oh, I an such a huge fan, Ms. Streisand. I never thought I'd live to see you in person!
Mecha Streisand roars back.
Sheila
I hate to ask this, but could I get an autograph? My sister would die.
Mecha Streisand roars assent and stoops to sign the autograph book.
Sheila
Oh thank you, Ms. Streisand!
Mecha Streisand roars in triumph and rounds a corner. Everybody runs.
Citizen
Oh my Goooodd! [Amid screams.]
Mr. Garrison
We're doomed! Good-bye, Mr. Hat.
Singer

Bar-bura, Bar-bura!

She stops before Leonard Maltin.
Leonard Maltin
Barbra!
She steps back surprised, then roars.
Leonard Maltin
Kitte, Kitte. Churipu. (Come, come. Tulip!)
Leonard Maltin begins to transform.
Singer

Ultura Lenardu Marutin!

Lenardu Marutin shows off some moves. Mecha Streisand respnds by kicking away the ushi bar. Chef and the boys arrive just after that. Lenardu Marutin grabs the building next to the bar and hits her with it, causing her to fall back.
Chef
Look out, children!
Townspeople run by, then the boys scream and scatter. Jimbo's Guns lands where they were standing. Mecha Streisand kicks Lenardu Marutin in the groin and he lands on his back, but Chef and the boys have to scatter again before he does. Stan and Kyle regroup and look at the scene, but Kyle turns around for some reason. Kenny is seen running towards a tetherball. He hits it with his left hand. It swings around and swoops him up.
Kenny
(Oh no! I have got to stay away fro-aaagh!)
Kenny dies strangled by the tether-ball.
Kenny
(Ugh!)
Stan
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastard!
Sidney Poitier flies in like Superman and lands next to Chef.
Sidney Poitier
What's going on here?
Chef
Sidney Poitier?
Sidney Poitier
That's right. I'm Sidney Poitier.
Chef
Damn, man, it's nice to meet you! Seein' Sidney Poitier in my hometown!
Sidney Poitier
Barbra Streisand has found the triangle of Zinthar?
Chef
Yeup! She's made the Diamond of Pantheos alright.
Sidney Poitier
Kolooh kulatchki!
Sidney Poitier begins transforming.
Singer

Megara Poatia,
Megara Poatia,
sokuroi da ne.
(Megara Poatia Megara Poatia. Look, how black you are.)
[Megara Poatia takes off and spins towards Mecha Streisand.]
Megara Poatia, Megara Poatia-

Chef
[Annoyed.] Is that really necessary?
Mecha Streisand fends off Lenardu Marutin, then picks up Megara Poatia and twirls him around in an airplane move and throws him onto a mountain. He bounces over the top and away. The boys are shocked. Lenardu Marutin fixes his gaze on her, but she blocks it with her right hand. She then breathes a plasma blast at him, which lands hard and knocks him onto his back.
Chef
It's over. She's too strong for them, children. We'll have to leave town.
Cartman
Make it go away! I hate Barbra Streisand! I hate her!
Cartman covers his eyes.
Stan
My mom always said there were no monsters, but there are, aren't there, Chef?
Chef
We have to say good-bye... to South Park.
Woman
Oh my Goooood, help meeee!
Mecha Streisand is tearing up the town, ripping apart some buildings, stomping on others...
Robert Smith
Am I too late?
Chef
[Irritated.] Who are you?
Stan
Dude! Robert Smith of the Cure!
Cartman
Sweet!
Robert Smith
Here, you boys hold this walkie, you can help me fight her.
Chef
You can try, Robert Smith, but that thing just beat the crap out of Leonard Maltin and Sidney Poitier.
Robert Smith
I have to try. I can't let Barbra Streisand do this to the entire world.
Robert Smith begins transformation into a giant moth.
Singer

Rabartu Smitu,
Rabartu Smitu,
tashiwa daisuki Rabartu Smitu.
(Robert Smith, Robert Smith, I like you a lot, Robert Smith)

Mecha Streisand heads for a gas station with a dinosaur for its symbol, but Rabartu Smitu comes up fast behind her. She notices. He shrieks at her, she covers her ears, and skyscrapers all around lose their windows. She responds with her own shrieks, and he covers his ears. More skyscrapers lose their windows.
Leonard Maltin
[Back to normal.] We must tell him that her weak point is the nose.
Stan
[Into the walkie.] Robert Smith, hit her nose. Use Robot Punch.
Rabartu Smitu looks at him and acknowledges the command by lefting the right-hand index and pinky fingers. Mecha Streisand tears apart some power lines and prepares to electrocute him, but he launches his fist. It hits her square on the nose and a diamond falls out, which lands in fron of Kyle.
Kyle
The Diamond of Pantheos. [Looks at Stan.] She must be powerless now.
Stan
[Into the walkie.] Quickly, Robert Smith! She's powerless!
Singer

Rabartu Smitu,
Rabartu Smitu!

Chef looks at him more annoyed than before. Rabartu Smitu maneuvers Mecha Streisand around and grabs her by the tail. After some airplane spins he launches her into outer space. An electrical overload occurs and she blows up into millions of pieces. The fireworks can be seen from the town and the townspeople cheer up and down.
Stan
He did it!
Kyle
No more Barbra Streisand, everrrrr!
Stan
Wow! Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!
Jesus
Our Savior!
Robert Smith transforms back to normal.
Robert Smith
Can I have my walkie-talkie back now, please?
Cartman
No way! You gave it to us-it's mine now!
Robert Smith
Alright, I'll ro-sham-bo you for it. Ready?
Cartman
Huh?
Cartman gets a kick in the groin and falls. Robert Smith moves aside.
Cartman
Eh. Aaah-ah! Aaah!
Robert Smith walks towards the sunset as Japanese music plays, apparently without the walkie-talkie.
Chef
Hey! Where's he goin'?
Stan
Good-bye, Robert Smith!
Cartman
Thanks for your help! Visit us again!
Kyle
Disintegration is the best album everrr!
Kyle's house.
Stan
Well, what should we do with the two triangles now?
Kyle
We've got to get rid of them.
Kyle heads for a small trash can next to the coffee table.
Kyle
Nobody should have the kind of power Barbra Streisand wanted!
He tosses the triangles in.
Stan
Well, at least I have this sweet walkie-talkie Robert Smith gave me.
Cartman reaches over.
Cartman
No! That's my walkie-talkie, he gave it to me!
Kyle
Dammit Cartman, don't you ever learn anything?!
Stan turns left and walks to the door.
Cartman
Come on, Stan, it's mine! I'll ro-sham-bo you for it!
Ike, seeing what Kyle had thrown in, reaches the trash can and jumps in.
Stan
Go to hell, Cartman!
In front of the house.
Kyle
Well, that whole experience sure did suck.
Stan
Yeah. I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle
But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always... end up dead.
Stan
Yeah.
Cartman
Yeah, and I've learned something, too. Robert Smith kicks ass!
The steps of a giant are heard and the kids grow fearful] Oh no! She's back!
Stan
Oh my God! Look!
The camera reveals a giant Ike coming out from behind the house.
All three
AAAAA! MECHA IKE!
End of Mecha-Streisand


  112: "Mecha-Streisand" edit
Story Elements

Barbra StreisandLeonard MaltinSidney PoitierRobert SmithDiamond of Pantheos • "Rabartu Smitu, Rabartu Smitu" • "Bar-bura, Bar-bura" • Barbara Streisand's House • Straight To Video Studios

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete First Season

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