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Jewpacabra/Script

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< Jewpacabra


Cast

  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Craig Tucker
  • Butters Stotch
  • Token Black
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • The Easter Egg Hunt Attendant
  • Mr. Billings (President)
  • Peters and Other Sooper Foods Employees
  • Bobo
  • Cliff
  • Matt
  • Pharaoh
  • Various Kids and Adults

Script

[The Broflovski house, morning. Kyle, who has just woken up, comes out of his room yawning. He walks to the kitchen and begins to prepare cereal for himself.]
Sheila: [talking to someone] Yes, yes, this whole coming week is the Jewish holiday of Passover. Yes, it's all about how Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt. Very good! So on Friday, all Jewish people will celebrate Passover with a seder dinner. [Kyle takes his bowl and heads to the dining table] Because God commanded the Jews to only eat bread that hasn't been given yeast to rise.[he walks past the living room, where Cartman and Sheila are shown talking]
Cartman: Wow, that's so cool. And so then Passover lasts seven days?
Sheila: Yes, yes, one week from seder dinner on Friday to the next Friday.
Cartman: Interesting, and why is it called Passover again? [Kyle stops and starts listening]
Sheila: Well, because in ancient Egypt, God passed over the houses marked with the blood of a lamb. [Kyle rushes to the entrance]
Cartman: So interesting, wow. [he and Sheila are drinking tea]
Kyle: [to Cartman, angrily] Get out of here.
Cartman: Oh, hey, Kyle.
Kyle: Get. Outta here! [points his finger to the left]
Cartman: Well, I better be going. Thanks so much Ms. Broflovski, I learned a ton.
Sheila: Well, you're very welcome.
Kyle: [walks to him] What are you gonna do?
Cartman: Isn't it possible I just want to learn more about the Jewish faith?
Kyle: No?
Cartman: Alright, Kyle, listen. [comes forward with Kyle, then sighs] Legends tell of a horrific four legged creature from Mexico that sucks the blood of goats, and it might have just spotted in South Park.
Kyle: What does that have to do with Passover?
Cartman: All I can promise you is that this is going to be the most memorable Passover ever. [Cartman announces the special within the episode] "Cartman's Passover Holiday Special", starring, THE JEWPACABRA! [creepy music plays]
[A large green park in a sunny day. People are decorating the park for Easter while children are on the line for Kids' Egg Hunt Signup]
Attendant: Alright, next please. Signing up for the Easter egg hunt? [Stan is in the front of the line]
Butters: [at the middle of the line] Hoh da lolly! This is gonna be so much fun!
Craig: Yeah, I can't wait for Sunday.
Kenny: (Me, too.)
Cartman: [anxious] Yeah, yeah, it should be a real blast, heh. I just hope Jewpacabra doesn't show up, that's all.
Craig: Jewpa what?
Cartman: Jewpaca- look, it's nothing. Forget I said anything.
Craig: Okay. [to Token and Kenny] So anyways, are they saying what time the event starts?
Cartman: Okay, look: A lot of people claim that on Passover, a blood sucking creature called the Jewpacabra comes out and preys on children. This year passover happens to be the same week as Easter.
Butters: You mean it's like, like a monster?
Cartman: It's just a legend, alright?! But people all over town have started reported strange things. Knocked over trash cans, weird howls...
Token: Nuh-uh!
Cartman: [angrily points at him] Yeah-uh, Token! Don't think it won't come after you just because you're black!
Clyde: [offscreen] You guys, check this out! [Butters, Kenny, Craig and Token go there to take a look. On the ground lies a dead bird.]
Cartman: [keeps the boys away] Alright, alright, stay back. Stay back! It definitely looks like a Jewpacabra attack, but it's hard to tell.
Butters: AAAAAAHHH! [scared as hell, flees]
Cartman: Alright guys, we're gonna need some video cameras. We gotta go out at night and try to get proof of this thing.
Kyle: Alright, alright! Knock it off! Stop spreading lies.
Cartman: I'm trying to protect people. And why are you so quick to try and cover up Jewpacabra's existence?
Kyle: I looked on the known species webpage. There's no animal called a 'Jewpacabra' mentioned anywhere.
Cartman: Well, neither is Bigfoot, Kyle, but there are a lot of people who say they have spotted a Sasquatch.
Kyle: [sighs] If someone says they saw a Sasquatch, they are either lying or they are stupid. Now stop lying about a Jewpacabra before stupid people start believing you!
[Butters in his bedroom, night. There is thunder and he is indeed scared a lot.]
Butters: Lu lu lu, lu... N-no such thing as J-Jewpacabra. People made it up. [a loud peal of thunder] It's -- that's okay. Even if there was a J-Jewpacabra it couldn't get in my r-room anyways.
Cartman: [standing on his bed with camera kit attached to him] Butters.
Butters: AAAAAHHH!
Cartman: Come on, Butters, you and me are gonna try to catch Jewpacabra on camera.
Butters: No, it's a school night!
Cartman: Butters, do you know how many times Jewpacabra has been shot on video? Zee-ro! [Butters stammers a bit] I can't do this alone, please. Help me prove to the rest of the world Jewpacabra is real.
[A camera recording with a green filter. Butters and Cartman, both equipped as cameramen now, are hunting for a Jewpacabra in the forest. Their faces appear distorted in close-up shots.]
Cartman: Look at these dense trees and brush. Oh yeah, this is exactly the kind of forest Jewpacabra likes to hide in.
Butters: You think Jewpacabra is here?
Cartman: Pretty sure Jewpacabra was here.
Butters: Oh good. Maybe we scared it off?
Cartman: You can't scare a Jewpacabra, Butters. Don't forget we're dealing with a creature that drinks blood, hides in the night and has absolutely no belief in the divinity of Christ. [a rustle comes through the bush] Did you hear that? I'm going to try a Jewpacabra mating call now. NO CHRIST! NO CHRIST! I'M REALLY NOT BUYING THIS WHOLE CHRIST THING! [to Butters] He's here somewhere.
Butters: Oh God, I'm scared.
Cartman: JESUS IS A LIE!
Butters: Eric, stop it!
Cartman: Shh! Help me call it out, Butters.
Butters: I'm not saying Jesus is a lie!
Cartman: Butters, do you wanna catch Jewpacabra on camera or not?! [Butters thinks] THERE IS NO CHRIST!
Butters: Jesus is a lie?
Cartman: No way Jesus was son of God, huh, Butters?
Butters: Nope. I don't think... Christ has any basis in reality.
Cartman: Sh! You hear that?
Butters: Oh, hamburgers.
[Sooper Foods, day. The president is speaking to someone while three of his employees stand behind him.]
President: We started Sooper Foods to give people a place to buy groceries that was fun and safe. We are not canceling our Easter Egg hunt because of some wild story!
Cartman: I didn't think you would believe me. And that why last night I took it upon myself to go out and try to capture it on video. [connects his video camera to the TV] What I'm about to show you is the first video ever shot of a Jewpacabra. [moves away a bit] And you're the first to see it. [the video shot of Butters and Cartman from last night is played on the TV] This is just after 8 p.m. First we heard rustling in the bushes. Then a strange, animal-like scurrying sound. That's when we saw, this. [pauses] 'Kay wait for it, wait for it, wait for it... wait for it... wait for... [an abrupt rustle] right there! Did you see the Jewpacabra? I know, it's so shocking it takes a minute for your brain to process what it's seeing. Watch again. [plays that moment again] Wait for it... wait... there! [pauses to show the motion blurred animal that moves between bushes] Jewpacabra. There's a Jewpacabra in South Park. God help us.
Employee 1: That wasn't a dog?
Cartman: It was no dog. I was there, I'm telling you this thing had no idea that Jesus Christ had died for our sins.
Employee 2: What?
Cartman: I can try to catch it, but I'm going to need all the resources you've got. If this thing isn't contained, your Easter Egg hunt is going to be a bloodbath. [the president walks to the window. Employee 1 follows him]
Employee 1: Mr. Billings?
Mr. Billings: [sighs] There's two things that separate Sooper Foods from all the other grocery stores: Fun and safety. What do you think, Peters? What are the chances that this 'Jewpacabra' is real?
Peters: I'm estimating somewhere around .000000001%.
Mr. Billings: [deep sigh] We can't afford to take that chance. Get this kid whatever he needs.
[Three helicopters of Sooper Foods are flying. Cartman, Mr. Billings and the third employee from the previous scene are in one of them. Cartman has a map in his hands.]
Mr. Billings: So where are we heading first?
Cartman: We need to get to the city of Nassau in the Bahamas, here. [points on the map]
Mr. Billings: The Bahamas?
Cartman: That's right. There's a resort near there called 'The Atlantis Hotel and Casino'. They have a water slide there that goes through a shark tank.
[Cartman is slinding through a temple-shaped water slide, going through a shark tank.]
Cartman: Weeeeeee! Oh yes! Oolll! Check it out! Heheyeahehe! [drops in a pool, then comes out]
[The three helicopters are heading for somewhere else. Cartman has a towel around his neck and is drying himself with a handkerchief as well as holding the map.]
Mr. Billings: Where to now?
Cartman: Now we head back to Colorado, here. [points on the map] We need to get my video of the Jewpacabra into the hands of professionals who can analyze it.
[Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization. Cartman leads Mr. Billings and his two employees to the building but is confronted by a pissed off Kyle.]
Kyle: Would you stop scaring everyone with your dumb ass myth!
Cartman: People thought Atlantis was a myth, Kyle, but I was just there. I've explored the depths of Atlantis, and now I'm about to prove a new species exists. I'm a little James Cameron.
Kyle: These people aren't going to prove anything. To believe any of this you either have to be a liar, or stupid.
Cartman: These are professional people who go around tracking Sasquatches, Kyle! They aren't liars, and they aren't stupid!
[Four dumb looking cryptozoologists are examining Cartman's video in their laboratory]
Matt: Look at its trajectory. It heads directly to the right. [highlights the blurred image of the supposed Jewpacabra]
Cliff: It can't be human it's too low to the ground. What do you think, Bobo?
Bobo: Bobo thinks scary!
Matt: It's definitely something. I'm thinking a Sasquatch.
Cliff: It's not big enough to be a Squatch.
Matt: So it's a baby Squatch?
Cliff: That's what I'm thinking.
Cartman: I've already done my research boys. What you're looking at there is a Jewpacabra.
Matt: Jewpacabra?
Cartman: It's like a Sasquatch, only more elusive, more ferocious and a little more greedy.
Bobo: Oh, Jewpacabra, that sounds scary!
Cliff: But it makes total sense. If we rule out a human and a baby Sasquatch, Jewpacabra is all we really have left.
Cartman: Well, I guess that's it. You're going to have to only allow me into the Easter Egg hunt, sir. I'm the only one qualified.
Mr. Billings: All the kids will be so disappointed.
Bobo: Whoa, look at this! I just did the heatie thermal thingie to the video! It's all orangie! [the image of Jewpacabra is colored in orange]
Cliff: But it's supposed to be all yellow-y. My God! This really is proof of a Jewpacabra!
Cartman: Heh. What do you mean? [he is stunned]
Cliff: We've never seen this before! It really is true!
Cartman: Well, I mean it could have just been a dog?
Matt: No it's impossible. Look at the zoomy in. If I drop image of a dog next to it... [drops an cut-out image of a dog] That thing is way to big to be a dog. And check out the thermals coming off of it.
Bobo: That's the thermals. They make a proof and the thermals!
Matt: That's right, Bobo. Whatever this thing is it's mean and angry as hell.
Cartman: Well, come on guys, it's probably a Jewpacabra but this isn't definitive.
Matt: I'll tell you one thing, kid, you're pretty brave.
Cartman: Why?
Cliff: 'Cause you took the video of this thing. It's not gonna like that.
Matt: If it is a Jewpacabra, he's gonna be coming after you. [Cartman is scared a lot. Creepy music plays]
[Cartman's room, night. He is in his bed, frightened a lot, mimicing Butters' scene.]
Cartman: There's... no way. No way Jewpacabra is real. [loud thunder] Those, those cryptozoologists don't know what they're talking about. They just... they just gave me a case of the Hebrew jeebies that's all... Eh, eaah. [quickly makes a call with his cellphone] Hey. Jewpacabra can't be real, right? Tell me again why it can't be real? [Kyle is listening to him in his bed with his eyes half-closed] I mean, it's impossible that something I made up could turn out to actually exist, huh, Kyle?
Kyle: What are you doing?
Cartman: Okay, okay. Even if there was a Jewpacabra, it wouldn't know I was the one who got video of it, huh? How could it know that? It couldn't know that, right? Kyle? [Kyle hangs up and goes back to sleep. His phone rings again, causing him so throw it to the wall.]
[South Park Church, night. The church is decorated for Easter. Cartman is alone there, sitting on one of the pews. He is singing with a shaky voice as well as holding a rosary.]
Cartman:

Jesus loves me this I know
'Cause Republicans tell me so
Little ones God will protect
'Cause letting kids be harmed is child neglect

[speaks on his radio] Everything still clear out there?
[Butters, Craig and Token are guarding the church. They have a rifle, a bat and a flashlight respectively.]
Cartman: [voice only] Guys?!
Butters: It's all quiet out front, Eric.
Cartman: Well, check everywhere! I'm not paying you guys each twenty bucks to scratch your buttholes!
Butters: He says he's not payin' us to scratch our buttholes. [a boom breaks out. The three boys take to their heels, screaming]
Cartman: [in the church] What? What was that? Butters? Token?! [the door is forced] Oh Jesus Christ! You guys?! Aghgh! [quickly hides between the candle stands] You guys?! GUYS!
Butters: [though the radio] Hey, Eric.
Cartman: It's trying to get in! Where the hell are you guys?
Butters: Well, we got scared so we're next door at Wingstreet. [he is definitely at Wingstreet, and Craig and Token are buying some meal]
Cartman: Wingstreet?!
Butters: Yeah, well it was the closest place to hide.
Cartman: Dude, I want wings! [there is some knocking on another door] Ahghgh!!! [it turns out to be Mr. Billings and his two employees.] Oh Jesus, it's only you!
Mr. Billings: Alright, grab him.
Cartman: HUH?!
Employee 3: You say the Jewpacabra hunts for anything Easter, and now it's looking for you. [the two employees take him away]
[Cartman, in his Easter bunny costume, is chained to a rock in the park, holding a basket.]
Cartman: Get me outta here! PLEASE! HEELP!
Mr. Billings: Look, we're sorry. But if it's you that Jewpacabra wants, we don't have a choice.
Cartman: OH GOD, IT'S GONNA KILL ME! [Employee 3 brushes his face with the blood of a chicken which is in the bucket he holds] What the-?
Mr. Billings: Just a little blood to try and draw it out. We just can't risk the creature showing up tomorrow. Our entire business is based on fun and safety.
Cartman: This isn't safe or fun!
Mr. Billings Maybe it won't even show up. Maybe we'll all make it out of this okay? [a howl is heard] Oh fuck, we better get out of here. [Mr. Billings and his employees flee away]
Cartman: NO! COME BACK! Come back please, this isn't right!
[The Broflovski house, night. The doorbell rings, Kyle gets the door. It it Mr. Billings and his employees.]
Mr. Billings: Hello young man. Let me start off by saying Sooper Foods is absolutely not an anti-semitic company. [Kyle just looks] But... if your people do have a monster creature that feeds on Easter children, we just wanted to let you know there is a sacrifice for it in the park that is totally fun and safe to eat. Thank you. [the three walk away. Kyle looks behind them]
[It is surely cold out there and snowing. Cartman is despairingly weeping and collecting the Easter eggs he can find. Kyle shows up, Cartman notices.]
Cartman: [smiles] Kyle! Hey, Kyle! [Kyle looks at him with his eyes half-closed] I know what you're thinking, Kyle. That, like, this is some kind of fitting comeuppance.
Kyle: Admit you're lying, and I'll let you go.
Cartman: Oh, of course I was lying, Kyle. There's no Jewpacabra. Now, please, Kyle, it's Easter Eve! And if Jewpacabra smells this blood, I am in a heap of trouble! [Kyle frowns and walks away] No Kyle! No, wait! I'm sorry I couldn't help it! Kyle?! Please I'll give you money! I have lots of money! [softly] Oh God, what am I doing? [shouts] I mean, I mean, I don't have any money! I'm totally broke! [softly] Oh God, I am in a heap of trouble.
[It's fullmoon and the snow has stopped. Cartman is still in the park, now sitting on the ground.]
Cartman: It's so cool that even though I'm Christian I celebrate Passover too! Yup. I think both holidays are awesome. [he is peeked by a pair of red slanted eyes with a snoring effect.] I really sympathize with those Jews in Ancient Egypt! I really do! [the pair of eyes turn out to be binoculars used by Bobo.]
Cliff: What'dya think, Bobo?
Bobo: No doubt about it! It's a three foot tall bunny-man!
Matt: I told you! Bunny people must be a throwback to paleotardic times! Shoot it Bobo!
Bobo: Bobo shoot it! [he comes forward to aim, Cartman notices]
Cartman: Bobo?! Bobo, no! [Bobo fires a dart] Wha- [falls over]
Bobo: [dances cheerfully] Bobo got it! Bobo got the bunnymaaan!
Matt: Good shot, Bobo!
Cliff: Now what do we do?
Matt: I know. Let's go get a show about it on Animal Planet.
Cliff: Good idea. [they start walking] Wait wait wait wait. We're gonna need to take the evidence.
Bobo: Alright. [takes the dart gun] I got the evidence right here. The dart gun I shot the bunnyman with.
Matt: Alright! Come on, let's go!
Cartman: [seems to be having a dream] Ugh... what... where...
[Cartman is shown in Ancient Egypt, dressed as a prince. A huge fly lands in front of him. He turns out to be in the middle of the biblical plagues.]
Cartman: Ugh... what? [stands up] What's going on?
Man 1: The plagues! The plagues are upon us! Run!
[It starts to rain frogs. Cartman runs away]
Cartman: It's raining frogggggsss! [finds Kyle, who is clinbing to the roof of his house on a ladder] Kyle! Kyle, my Hebrew friend! Did you see that it's raining frogs?
Kyle: [bangs a nail into a piece of wood] Yes. It's because the Pharaoh won't give the Hebrews what we want! God is angry.
Cartman: So God makes it rain frogs? That just seems kind of mean to frogs, Kyle.
Kyle: That's how God is! And if Pharaoh doesn't give us what we want, next he's gonna kill all Egyptian first born boys!
Cartman: Wha- Okay, look, I'll talk to the Pharaoh and see if he'll change his mind.
Kyle: It doesn't matter. Because God is going to harden the Pharaoh's heart!
Cartman: What does that mean?
Kyle: It means Jehovah is going to use his powers to keep the Pharaoh from letting us go.
Cartman: Well that doesn't seem very fair, Kyle. I mean, if God is going to make Pharaoh say no, then why would he punish him for saying no?
Kyle: That's just how God is.
Cartman: You're wrong, Kyle! God is not a dick! [Kyle gets angry]
[The Pharaoh is sitting in his balcony, seemingly in deep thought. Cartman approaches, then sits next to him.]
Cartman: Daaad, when's it gonna stop raining frogs?
Pharaoh: It'll be okay, my son. The weather will clear.
Cartman: But my friend Kyle, he says that the reason we've had all these plagues and stuff because you won't let all the Jews leave.
Pharaoh: [sighs] It's a complicated political issue, my son. An economic social issue that needs time. We can't let them leave, but is it really all that different from when the north didn't let the confederate states leave the USA?
Cartman: Wow, that makes sense. Don't think anyone can deny that. [a bloody frog lands over the edge]
Pharaoh: Poor frogs. I feel so badly for them.
Cartman: But dad, my friend Kyle says that if we don't do whatever the Hebrews want us to do, God is gonna kill little Egyptian boys.
Pharaoh: Hah, I don't think God would do such a thing, little one. No matter what happens, we can't let ourselves believe in the Hebrew version of God. We believe in a just Lord who would never murder innocent children.
Cartman: I love you, dad.
Pharaoh: And I love you son. And our love grows.
Cartman: And our love grows
Both:

And our love grows
Like the mighty river of the Nileriver of the Nile
See it flow
We'll never be apart

Cartman:

Have no fear, for God is near
And God loves all his children

[he pats a lamb, but it is taken away by Gerald] Huh? [Sheila slices the lamb's head] Nooooooo! [Sheila and Gerald apply the lamb's blood to their door. Kyle watches them] Kyle, why? What are you doing?
Kyle: This is what God told us to do!
Cartman: No, Kyle! I don't believe you!
Kyle: You'll see! [Cartman runs away but realizes other families are also doing it. He runs though the corpses of lambs]
Cartman: Noooo! [goes inside somewhere, but sees two kids with bloody eyes]
Kid 1: What's happening to us? [both of the kids puke blood and fall over]
Cartman: Noooooo! [runs past a mom and her child]
Child: Mom! Don't let God kill me! [his head explodes and his mom screams]
Cartman: Noooo! [he is confronted by a man]
Man 2: [holds out a flat sandwich] Care for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?!
Cartman: No! The bread's all flat! No! [shoves the bread down and keeps running] Aaaaahhhh! [the Pharaoh has kneeled down. All children around him have their heads explode. Screaming and shouting can be heard in the background]
Pharaoh: Son! We were wrong! I WAS WRONG!
Cartman: We were wrong! I'm sorry God I'll be Jewish I promise! Please don't kill me! Don't kill me! Doooo...! [his head explodes, and the Pharaoh crys in despair]
[Cartman is shown in reality again. He is in the park, unconscious.]
Cartman: [sleeptalking] No! No! The bread is all flat! No!
[The Broflovski house, night. Kyle is uncomfortable in his bed. He ultimately gets up and heads to the park with a blanket and bolt cutters. He frowns when he finds Cartman who is shaking and slowly saying to himself "Nooo... Nooo...". He puts the blanket on him and breaks the chains with the bolt cutters. He takes Cartman to his house, putting him in his bed and taking his shoes off. Touching music plays during these events.]
[South Park Easter Egg Hunt, morning. The audience applauds while Mr. Billings is giving his speech]
Mr. Billings: There are two things people think about when they are grocery shopping: Fun and Safety. On this beautiful Easter morning, we are thrilled to give back to he people of South Park who for the third year in a row have made our grocery store number... [looks on his paper] 4 in fun and number 6 in safety. Let the hunt begin. [The woman employee cuts the ribbon to allow chilren to the hunt. They excitedly run all over the place looking for eggs. Some of them attack and fight each other.]
Cartman: [offscreen] I'm alive! [everyone stops. Cartman runs in, gasping for air.] I'm alive, you guys. [holds a blond girl though her shoulders] I don't know how, but I'm alive! [lets go and keeps running] Can you believe it? It's a miracle. [runs to the stage] Listen everybody, last night I almost died. But then a Passover miracle happened. The Jewpacabra passed me over, and by the power of Jehovah I somehow woke up safely in my bed. I learnt a big lesson. It's wrong, guys. Christ didn't die for our sins and God is angry. It's time for us all to stop this Easter ridiculousness, accept Jehovah as our God and deny Christ.
Butters: [angrily] Oh, stop trying to ruin Easter, you! You heathen! [the crowd agrees, then resumes their hunting]
Cartman: Hey guys, listen! [nobody cares. He finds Kyle standing there, approaches him, and lets out a deep sigh.] I finally know how you feel, Kyle. Know your religion is right but being laughed at by everyone else. It's so hard for us Jews. But I guess we just have to let stupid people believe what they are gonna believe.
Kyle: Yeah.
Cartman: I-I know what you're thinking Kyle. But I really do believe in Judaism now. I'm not lying.
Kyle: [puts his arm around him] I know, you're not.
Cartman: Kewl, thanks Kyle. Oh, and Kyle... Happy Passover!
Kyle: [flatly] Happy Passover, Cartman. [the camera moves up to the sun, which now has a Star of David at the center of it.]
[End of Jewpacabra]
  1604: "Jewpacabra" edit
Story Elements

Pharaoh of EgyptMr. BillingsBigfoot Field Researchers OrganizationEaster Egg HuntAncient EgyptSooper FoodsAtlantis Hotel and Casino • "Maniac" • "Our Love Grows"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Sixteenth Season

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