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Script

Jared Has Aides
Cartman's house, living room, day. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle are on the sofa laughing as Cartman does some prank calls.
Cartman
[dialing] Shu- shut up you guys, shut up you guys. [the boys quiet down and cover their mouths as the call goes through to City Wok, a Chinese restaurant.]
Tuong Lu Kim
Herro, Shitty Wok, take your order prease.
Cartman
[the boys giggle] Hello, is this City Wok?
Tuong Lu Kim
Yes, this Shitty Wok
Cartman
[the boys giggle harder] Uh, yes, we'd like one order of the City Beef.
Tuong Lu Kim
[writing] Shitty Beef...
Kyle
Aha, and I'll have the City Chicken.
Tuong Lu Kim
[writing] Shitty Chicken... [the boys roar with laughter. Cartman rolls back on the sofa]
Stan
Oh, dude, look! [the others look up and the phone falls off Cartman's lap to the floor] It's that commercial with the guy that lost 400 pounds eating at Subway Sandwiches!
Commercial. The first thing on the screen is a submarine sandwich. It pans across the screen.
Singer

He's still lookin' good!
[a man appears eating a footlong subway sandwich. The name "JARED FOGLE" appears on the screen near the bottom]
His name is Jared
[he struts down a sidewalk. "LOST 262 LBS." appears on the screen]
His name is Jared and he likes to eat the sandwiches...
[a side shot of Jared walking smoothly behind a white picket fence in Downtown, then of slices of a party sub, then of the first sandwich]

Cartman living room. Butters walks in.
Butters
Uh, hey, fellas.
Stan
Hey Kenny.
Butters
[upset] Now gosh darnit, my name's not Kenny! Kenny's dead, and you're all gonna have to learn to deal with it!
Kyle
Okay, Not-Kenny.
Commercial continues.
Announcer
Hey South Park! [camera switches to the TV. Jared is shown munching away on a sub sandwich behind splash bubbles saying "JARED LIVE" "FREE SUBS" and "LOSE WEIGHT" and "MEET JARED" "SOUTH PARK, COLORADO"] You can meet Jared IN PERSON March 6 at the Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square!
Butters
[excited] Woh, boy! Jared's comin' to town!
Kyle
Dude! That's today!
Stan
We've gotta get down there! Come on, Not-Kenny! [Stan and Kyle hop off the sofa and head for the front door]
Butters
[angered] Now gosh darnit, my name's not Not-Kenny!
Cartman
[hops off and follows Stan and Kyle] Okay, come on, Not-Not-Kenny.
Butters
Wo-ah I'm getting steamed now. [follows the other three. The phone remains on the floor]
Tuong Lu Kim
[the receiver rattles with his voice] Hello! City Wok! City Wok, I take your order prease!
Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square, moments later. A crowd is in front of the stage waiting for Jared, with people holding up signs saying "We Love Jared" "We Love You Jared!!" "Jared for President", etc. The boys walk up to Herbert Garrison. Kyle taps him.
Kyle
Excuse me? Could we get through here?
Herbert Garrison
[turns around] Hell no! I've been savin' this spot for six hours! [begins to dance]

His name is Garrison, Mr. Garrison. He lost ten pounds takin' Jared's lead-

Randy
Here he comes! [the crowd turns left as one and starts clamoring. Jared struts towards the crowd as his theme song comes up]
Singer
He's still lookin' good, with all those... sub sandwiches... [Jared walks up on stage and takes the podium]
Jared
Thank you all so much. You know what? After a year of eating delicious sub sandwiches, I've proven weight loss is easy! [the crowd cheers] And I promise you, I will always be your faithful leader in easy weight loss!
Some men
Alright! [more cheering]
Cartman
That guy ate all the sandwiches he wanted and lost weight. He is so cool.
South Park, later. A knock is heard and a door opens. Jared is seen eating a sub at a desk. A worker peaks in.
Worker
Mr. Fogle, some fans wanted to see if you'd sign their sandwich?
Jared
Sure, let 'em in. [the worker lets the boys in and Jared spins around to face them] Hi kids. [the room Jared is in is a dressing room]
Butters
Wow, Jared!
Kyle
Dude! Did you really lose all that weight eating nothing but sub sandwiches?
Jared
I sure did! And- Well- Well I, I also had a little help on the side.
Stan
What kind of help?
Jared
Well, eating sub sandwiches was a big part of it. But the way that I lost so much weight was that I got aides.
Cartman
A- AIDS?
Jared
That's right. I got aides about two years ago and I've been losing weight ever since. It's amazing how slim you can get with aides.
Stan
I'll bet you can.
Jared
Would you like to meet them?
Kyle
[steps backwards] Them?
Jared
My aides. Scott! Tyler! [moves to the door. The two aides come in and Jared stands behind them. Then he looks at the blond to his left] Scott is my personal trainer [looks at the light brunet to his right] and Tyler is my dietitian.
Scott, Tyler
Hello.
Kyle
Oh, "A I D E S," aides.
Jared
Yep. Hooray for aides!
Kyle
Well, that's not really what you say in the commercial.
Jared
I know. You kinda have to read the fine print at the bottom of the screen. It says I only ate a half-sized lean turkey sandwich with no mustard or mayo or anything like that and then had proper diet and exercise aides.
Kyle
But you're lying to people. If they knew that you didn't eat just all the sandwiches you want, you might not be so popular.
Jared
Y- you think so. Well, why... should it matter?
Kyle
It matters, dude. [Jared begins to think...]
Jared
Hmmm.
Main Street, moments later. The boys walk along...
Kyle
That penisbutt didn't lose weight eating sub sandwiches. He lost weight because he ate less of them and exercised.
Stan
Yeah, it's only in America that somebody can become famous just because they go from being a big fatass to not being a big fatass.
Cartman
Oh-my-god! [turns around] You guys! I think I'm having a genius moment. Yes. Yes! Its coming to me now.
Kyle
Tha- that's diarrhea.
Cartman
Noo. Don't you see what this all means? Anybody could do what he did. What's to stop someone else from going to say, City Wok, and cutting a deal with them? Say they'll eat nothing but their Chinese food, but then eat only a little tiny bit of it and exercise.
Stan
[following] Then City Wok could say their food makes them lose weight.
Cartman
[softly] That's right Stan. [bolder] It's a cash cow, I tell you.
Kyle
That's a great idea!
Cartman
Lose weight and make money... I tell you this is gonna be the greatest thing that Butters has ever done.
Butters
[surprised, steps backwards] Me?!
Cartman
Weh- who do you think I'm talkin' about, Butters? Joyce de Witt?
Butters
Oh, no, I thought you meant you. Eh, you're the fat one.
Cartman
I can't lose weight, Butters, 'cause I'm not fat. I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!
Kyle
But Butters isn't fat.
Cartman
That's my whole point. First we fatten him up, then we make the deal with City Wok, then take the weight back off.
Stan
He's right. If Butters is naturally skinny, he'll be able to take the weight off faster.
Butters
But fellas, if I get fat my parents will ground me.
Cartman
Oh, come on! Just think about how famous you'll be!
Butters
You mean like Jared?
Kyle
Yeah dude! You'll be just like Jared!
Butters
[angrily] Well the heck with that! You said Jared was a penis-butt!
Stan
You wouldn't be a penis-butt, Butters, you'd be famous. Just think about all those people following you around, singing songs to you just because you lost some weight...

His name is Butters, it's Butters. [the boys begin to sway for each line]

Cartman
He used to be fat but not no more [Butters brightens up]
Kyle
City Wok brought him down to a size 4.
Stan
Now, he's got lots of moneys and girls.
Cartman
[slowing] and a lifetime of free food at City Wok.
Butters
[beaming] Wow.
Le Place Restaurant, night. Jared is dining with a woman inside.
Jared
Christine, you know I love you very much, and I, I can't wait for the wedding.
Christine

I love you too, Jared. You've changed my whole life.
Her name is Jonez, Christine Jonez
She lost forty pounds when she met Jared-

Jared
Yeh, I know I know, I know. But uh... some young boys were talkin' to me earlier, and... it made me think that people might not be so proud of my weight loss if they knew something.
Christine
Jared, what's this all about?
Jared
Uh, Christine, this isn't probably gonna matter to you at all, but... I have aides.
Christine
What?!
Jared
Yeah, I have aides. I've had aides since before we were together. [Christine's jaw drops] What, what are you thinking? Are you bummed?
Christine
Am I bummed?! [moves her chair away from Jared and faces him] You've had AIDS all this time and you knew it?!
Jared
Well of course I knew it.
Christine
Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?!
Jared
I didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Christine
Not that big of a deal?! I slept with you!
Jared
Aren't you overreacting a little bit?
Christine
Well, Jesus Christ! We're supposed to get married!
Jared
We can still get married Christine, I mean, sure, they're my aides now, but after we get married... they'll be our aides [Christine sobs] You'll love having aides, Christine, you really will. And when we have children, they'll have aides. It'll make things so simple! [Christine throws up her arms, rises from her chair, and runs out of the restaurant sobbing] Christine! [rises and moves to follow Christine, but stops to think] Jeez, those boys were right. People really don't like aides. I'd better tell everyone the truth.
South Park Elementary, next day. The boys enter the kitchen to get their meals.
Chef
Hello there, children.
Kyle
Chef, we need Butters to gain about fifty pounds fast.
Chef
Fifty pounds? Why?
Cartman
Uuuh, school project.
Chef
Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him.
Stan
Marry him?
Chef
It definitely worked for every woman I ever met.
Butters
Oh, no, no, no! I ain't gettin' married; my parents will ground me!
Kyle
Yeah, none of us wanna marry Butters.
Butters
[self-conscious] Well, uh, how come? What's wrong with me?
Chef
Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way. Come on back, children. [all of them move away from the counter and towards the back]
The kitchen, food preparation area. The camera pans across the table showing pots, pans, and dishes with food all over the place. It rests on Butters trying to finish off a plate, but struggling.
Butters
Ugh. [sets his plate down] Wuh, wuh, I can't eat no more.
Kyle
You have to! Here, have some more mayonnaise. [scoops out a tablespoon and hands it to Butters, but Butters doesn't take it. Chef enters and Butters begins to throw up]
Stan
[notices] Chef, we need more food.
Chef
I'm runnin' out, children. [leaves. Butters vomits some more]
Cartman
Damnit Butters! Keep eating or I'll kick you till you're deader than Kenny!
Stan
[soberly] Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.
Cartman
So how long until we can joke about it?
Kyle
Twenty-two point three years. That's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny.
Cartman
Wugh, that's a long time to wait.
Butters
Wull I can't eat no more. I-I just keep pukin' it up.
Cartman
Then eat your puke.
Butters
No!
Cartman
Oh, come on! Japanese girls do it. [Butters looks at Cartman, then at his puke. Reluctantly he scoops it up and eats it.]
Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square, later.
Subway Representative
Ladies and gentlemen, we at Subway are happy to inform you that Jared has elected to stay in South Park in order to speak to you once again! [the crowd oohs and aaha]
Man 1
He's going to speak with us once again!
Subway Representative
So, here he is, Jared! [the crowd cheers, and Jared is again walking towards them, grinning]
Singer
He's still lookin' good, eatin' them sandwiches all the time...[Jared walks up on stage and takes the podium]
Jared
Thank you-hoo, thank you all. Subway is a healthy way to eat fast food and lose weight!
Subway Representative
All right! [pumps his arm as the crowd reacts]
Jared
But, [the crowd quiets down] I feel like I need to come a little clean about something, uh-... it wasn't just Subway sandwiches that made me thin.
Subway Representative
...Huh?
Jared
The reason I was able to lose so much weight so quickly was that I got aides. [grins with relief. The rep's jaw drops.]
Man 2
Huh?
Man 3
What?
Man 4
Did he say AIDS?
Jared
But I still wanna be the leader in a fitter America, and so I'm here to tell you, that you should ALL go out and get aides! [the crowd immediately begins to disperse]
Man 2
Oh my God!
A woman
Is he serious?
Jared
Having aides - is - awesome! With aides you can literally watch the fat melt away! And with the proper mix of aides and Subway sandwiches, anything is possible! [the rep, looking on in dismay, has had enough and pushes Jared out of the way to take the mic]
Subway Representative
Uh, the opinions expressed by Mr. Fogle are not necessarily those of the Subway Company. [Jared soothes his left arm a bit]
Cartman's living room, some days later. Stan is measuring Butters' girth and grins at the result. Camera zooms out.
Kyle
Wow! He looks great!
Stan
How do you feel, Butters?
Butters
W-well, k-kinda like Cartman. [Cartman slaps Butters and shakes him] Aw!
Cartman
Get a hold of yourself, man!
Stan
Alright, now it's time for phase 2.
City Wok, moments later. The boys walk towards it and enter. The owner greets them.
Tuong Lu Kim
Welcome to Shitty Wok. You rike to try Shitty Chicken today?
Cartman
Sir, we have come to offer you the business deal of a lifetime.
Tuong Lu Kim
You want the Shitty Beef?
Kyle
Nope. We wanna show the world how healthy your food is. Our fat friend here is going to lose forty pounds eating at Shitty Wok.
Tuong Lu Kim
Which one? I see two fat friends.
Cartman
[pointing to Butters] The fat one!
Stan
We're gonna take before and after photos, and then, when he gets skinny from eating your food, we'll show the world.
Tuong Lu Kim
...Why?
Kyle
Because then you can pay us to use our friend in commercials.
Tuong Lu Kim
Oh! You mean like-a Jared?!
Cartman
Just like Jared.
Tuong Lu Kim
His name is Jared, he lose some weight. Shitty Wok food sure is great. Yeah, okay. That sound good. Saw if he lose weight eating Shitty Wok, I pay use to use him in commercial.
The Boys
All right!
Cartman
Sir, we are in business!
Subway company boardroom, day. Jared has been called in to see the board.
Subway Representative
[second from left] Jared, first of all we want to say that all of us here at Subway appreciate everything you've done for our company.
Jared
[happily] Well, I appreciate your company doing everything it's done for me.
Subway Rep 2
[second from right] Yes, well, it is now the opinion of all of us that perhaps it would be best for you to take your... strange theories on weight loss elsewhere.
Jared
[crestfallen] ...'Scuse me... am I being fired?
Subway Rep 3
[center] Jared, it's just that your new take on weight loss is contrary to our commitment to good health.
Jared
How so?
Subway Representative
Well, your new slogan, for instance. [clears his throat] "When it comes to fitness, Subway goes hand in hand with aides."
Jared
[softly] Ah-hah. [he rises and leaves the "SANDWICH MARKETING" building with hands in pockets. He closes the door and walks away dejectedly. He passes a basketball court where a few people are shooting baskets. He looks at them as he passes by. Then he stops, looks at the camera, sighs, and]
Singer
His name is Jared. Jared lost weight eating Subway, now he's cold and alone and with no place to call his home. He liked sandwiches with Philadelphia cream cheese.
Flex Gym Fitness Club, day.
Cartman
[heard from the outside] Come on, Butters, you gotta get skinny again! [the camera goes inside. People are exercising on all sorts of equipment. A woman runs by on a track on the second floor. Butters is pulling at a rowing machine as Cartman spots him. Cartman is eating Cheesy Poofs and barking orders] You are such a flabby hunk of crap! Look at those jelly rolls! Jelly rolls I tell ya!! You still got seven chins, boah! You'll never be thin!! Nobody loves you!
Butters
[looks at Cartman] Wuh hey now, they do too! Uh, my mom and dad - love me even if I am fat.
Cartman
[normal] Butters, I'm just trying to offer some motivational help here.
Butters
Well alright then.
Cartman
[barking] Row you fat bitch! Look at those jelly rolls! Nobody loves you! You're not even a person!
Jared's dressing room, day. Jared paces the room eating a sub sandwich.
Jared
I never asked to be famous; now everyone hates me! I almost wish I had never gotten aides! [his aides come in]
Tyler
Hey now, come on. What kind of talk is that?
Jared
I'm sorry, guys, but I...I think I wanna be aides-free for a while.
Scott
Come on, Jared, lighten up! People don't hate you.
Tyler
Yeah. Maybe they're all just jealous that they can't afford to hire their own aides.
Jared
[brightening] Wait a minute... you're right! [moves towards the camera] Yeah! I think I know how to be a celebrity again! [heads for the door]
City Wok, outside, later. Cartman and Kyle wait on Stan as he arrives.
Stan
Did you bring the camera?
Kyle
Yeah, we're all set.
Cartman
[steps in between them] Guys, I think this might be a good time to discuss some business.
Kyle
Well, what do you mean?
Cartman
Well, when City Wok sees how skinny Butters is, they're not gonna want him to just make one commercial, they're gonna want several.
Stan
That's true. Jared did like a hundred for Subway Sandwiches.
Cartman
I think we're looking at a non-exclusive two-year fifty-picture deal here. My calculations put that at about four million dollars.
Kyle
Wow! [he and Stan are awed]
Cartman
Now, I think the four million should be split evenly among the three of us, except that I should get a twenty percent per negation fee off the gross for having come up with the idea.
Butters
[arrives as Cartman speaks] Hey fellas.
Stan
Butters?! What the hell are you doing?!
Kyle
Yeah, you're still fat!
Butters
Well, I know, ah I can't seem to lose it.
Cartman
Well we're supposed to shoot your commercial today, you fat piece of crap!
Butters
Well ah I don't know what to tell ya. Losin' weight is harder than puttin' it on.
Cartman
No it isn't, stupid blubberbutt!
Stan
[Kyle finally produces the camera] Did you eat only one ounce of City Wok like we told you?!
Butters
Well uh yeah, but ah, I don't know...
Kyle
Why are you doing this to us?!
Butters' house, later. The boys have prepared a makeshift operating table on the coffee table in the living room. Kyle reads from a medical book, Cartman has a suction tube and pail, and Stan is overseeing the operation.
Stan
All prepared for liposuction surgery?
Cartman
Check.
Butters
Uh, I don't know about this, fellas.
Stan
[shoots back] Hey, you're the one who screwed us by not losing weight, Butters. [Cartman makes sure the scalpel is sharp]
Kyle
[faces Stan] Okay, it says here the operation begins with a one-inch incision in the ab-do-men on the left side just above the hip.
Cartman
That should blah [babbles a bit] ah- here. [cuts into Butters' abdomen]
Butters
[reacts] Woahhh!
Cartman
Oh stop your bitchin' Butters! Kenny woulda took it like a man!
Kyle
Okay, now put one end of the tube a half an inch into the incision. [Cartman picks up one end of the tube and inserts it into the incision]
Cartman
Alrighty.
Butters
Whoa. I think this is a bad idea, fellas. I feel woozy.
Cartman
Alright, I think it's in. [turns around]
Kyle
The liposuction is a process of siphoning out the excess fat. [Cartman stalls, then picks up the other end and starts sucking the fat out]
Cartman
[spits out the hose as soon as the fat hits his lips] Bohogh, egh. [puts the hose into the pail for the fat to collect]
Butters
Waaaahh!
Cartman
There it goes.
Kyle
Alright, it's working!
Cartman
[wipes away a bit of fat remaining on his lips] Aw man, it tastes like that, um, you know that cream-chipped-beef stuff that Chef makes sometimes.
Butters
Aahh heh ahh, I don't feel very good.
Stan
Shut up, Butters, it's your own damned fault.
Butters
Everything's getting dark...
Stan
We've gotta hurry this up. [moves behind the coffee table to Butter's belly and starts pounding on it. The fat begins flowing out faster]
Cartman
[looks at the fat flowing out] Oh yeah, keep doing that. That's working good.
Stan
He's losing weight. [Kyle smiles]
Cartman
Oh, whoa. Whoa! [the fat rushes out so quickly the tube begins to buck, splattering fat and blood all over the place]
Kyle
It's out of control! [Stan has stopped pounding, but the fat is pulsing out and Cartman can't control it.. Butters gets thinner by the second and headed for shock]
Butters
Whoa, everything's getting sparkly. [the sound of a car pulling up is heard]
Stan
Oh no, dude, Butters' parents are home.
Cartman
Oh, crap!
Stan
Dude, bail! [the three boys rush out the back door, then the front door opens and Butter's parents walk in. The living room is a mess]
Linda
Butters? Butters?!
Butters
[listlessly] Mom. Dad.
Stephen
Butters. Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!
Butters
Yes sir.
Linda
This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you not to have self-perform liposuction surgery in our house?!
Butters
Four times, mom.
Stephen
Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!
Butters
Yes, sir. [rises and... struggles. He falls off the coffee table to the floor. Stephen isn't fazed, but Linda is affected]
Stephen
Oh, huh- Don't you give us that look young man! You're gonna get it!
News 4 News, day. A field reporter stands in front of the Mayor's office. The mayor and her aides are present.
Reporter
Tom, I'm standing out in front of the Mayor's office, where the big liar, Jared, is once again about to speak. Apparently, Jared hopes to regain his celebrity hero status, which was lost when he announced that it was AIDS, not sub sandwiches, that caused him to lose weight. Let's listen in.
The podium. Jared stands behind it.
Jared
Ladies and gentlemen, a-at first I didn't understand why you felt betrayed by the fact that my aides helped me to lose weight, but now I understand that it isn't fair that- I had aides and most of you don't. And so, with all the money I've made from commercials, I have decided to start the Aides for Everyone Foundation!
Jimbo
What?!
Jared
I am going to personally see to it that each and every one of you gets aides! [a long silence follows as the audience just looks at Jared]
Mayor McDaniels
This guy's insane.
Jared
But I won't stop there. I'm gonna seek out all the underprivileged and hungry children of the world, and I'm going to give them aides myself!
Chef
You're gonna give children AIDS?!
Jared
Yes, it is my hope that every beautiful child on this earth has aides by next month! Aides for everyone! [another long silence]
Skeeter
Get him! [the crowd begins to move forward angrily and Jared leaves the podium]
Butters' house, some days later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman show up at the front door, and Cartman rings the bell.
Stan
Come on, Butters. Time to go.
Butters
Uh- go where?
Kyle
To City Wok so we can make our money. God!
Butters
I can't go anywhere, fellas. I've been grounded for havin' liposuction... surgery. [lifts his shorts to show the bandage over the scar]
Stan
What?
Butters
Wuh well I told you my parents would be sore, and they said for... havin' liposuction surgery, I can't play outside for five days.
Cartman
Dude, we just need you to come down to City Wok real quick so they can see how skinny you are!
Butters
[counts off] Well you guys have already got me in Dutch for gettin' fat, and then I got in double-Dutch for... havin' liposuction, and now you're askin' me to be in triple Dutch?! [moves his hands palms down to wash his hands of any more trouble] Huh-uh! I'll never be that Dutch!
Stan
...Kenny would have done it.
Kyle
Yep.
Cartman
Do you guys remember what a cool friend Kenny was? [whispers] God. [normally] He was always up for helpin' us out; man, he was the best friend ever.
Butters
Look, fellas, I can't do it! My mom and dad call in every hour from work to make sure I am here. If I don't answer the ph-phone, it'll know I'm- I'm up to no good!
Cartman
Alright alright, I'll stay here and answer the phone for you.
Butters
No- but you don't sound like me.
Cartman
[begins sounding something like Butters. Kyle looks on] Well, you don't sound like me. My name is Butters and I'm a little pussy who won't help his friends make money.
Kyle
Wow, that was pretty good.
Stan
Alright, it's settled. Come on, Butters. [pulls Butters out the door. Cartman enters the house]
Cartman
Don't forget, a third of that four million dollars is mine! [the others leave and he closes the door]
Stotch living room, inside. Cartman moves to the sofa.
Cartman
Eh. [makes himself comfortable on the sofa and turns on the TV. He grunts a bit] Eh. Yeah. [the phone rings; he answers] Well hello?
Stephen
[at an office full of cubicles] I'm just checking in on you, Butters. [a woman walks down the aisle behind him] Heh- Do I hear the television? We told you no television while you're grounded!
Cartman
Oh, gee whiz, I'm not.. uh watchin' television, Dad, I'm just... layin' around jackin' it.
Stephen
Jacking it? Jacking what?
Cartman
Well my hot spicy boner, of course, Dad.
Stephen
WHAT?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?!
Cartman
Well ah, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.
Stephen
OH YOU'RE GONNA GET IT MISTER! Just wait until I get home!
Cartman
Bring it on, queer bait. [hangs up] Aaaahhhh, yes! [puts his arms behind his head, quite satisfied with himself]
Day, somewhere. Jared has a bat and is beating the hell out of something...
Jared
...I tell my [paf] girlfriend I have aides and she leaves, I tell the [paf] world to get aides and they think I'm crazy, I offer to give aides to kids and everyone wants me [paf] dead! [the camera pulls back and the thing Jared is beating is a dead horse. Literally] What's wrong with [paf] aides?! Why doesn't anyone want me to give them [paf] aides?! [the crowd arrives with torches, charging noisily]
Herbert Garrison
There he is, beatin' that dead horse!
Man in Crowd
Alright!
Jimbo
Let's get him! [the crowd charges forward and Jared runs away again]
Jared
Aahhh!
City Wok. Stan, Kyle, and Butters arrive and enter.
Tuong Lu Kim
Welcome ta Shitty Wok. Take your order prease.
Kyle
We have great news! Our friend has lost forty pounds eating your City Wok food. Here's the before and after photos.
Tuong Lu Kim
He lose weight eating Shitty Wok?
Stan
That's right! So now you can pay us to use him in your commercials and you'll have your very own Jared!
Tuong Lu Kim
Oh no, no way! I not putting no Jared in my Shitty Wok commercial!
Kyle
Uh, why not?
Tuong Lu Kim
Don't you know? Everybody hate Jared. He want everyone in world to have AIDS. He sick in the head.
Stan
What?!
Tuong Lu Kim
I don't want Shitty Wok have nothing to do with Jared land his AIDS.
Stan
Wait. Everyone hates Jared now?
Tuong Lu Kim
Yah they, they gonna kill him. They gonna kill Jared downtown right now.
Stan
Ugh, come on guys, we gotta sort this out. [the boys exit the store]
Butters' house, living room. Cartman has eaten quite a bit of food (soda, milk, candy, Cheesy Poofs) and is watching TV - a Terrance & Phillip episode. Only their voices are heard.
Phillip
Here's a man's fart for ya. [farts, laughs]
Terrance
God no! [laughs again, and Cartman joins in. The phone rings] Oh, Phillip, your anthrax has given me colon cancer!
Cartman
[answering] Hello?
Linda
[calling in from her office] Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset!
Cartman
Yeah, well, Dad's being a little pussy, Mom.
Linda
[stunned, then] Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?!
Cartman
Uh not from you dumbasses, that's for sure.
Linda
OH YOU JUST WAIT until I get home MISTER!
Cartman
Oh, I'll be waiting with horse bells on, you old... horse-bangin' skank. [hangs up] Eh. [resumes eating]
Terrance
Ey! There's some anthrax over there! [farts, then roars with laughter]
Phillip
Oh no, hahahahahahaha.
Downtown, Mayor's office, outside, day. The crowd has captured Jared and taken him back downtown. A gallows is set up and Jared has had the noose placed around his neck. Two men finish and walk off. The Mayor stands off to one side with her aides.
Jared
Why did I ever do those stupid commercials?
Mayor McDaniels
Alright, Jared, you sick pervert! Do you have anything to say before you die?!
Kyle
[offscreen] Wait! [the boys run up to the gallows platform] You're all making a mistake!
Chef
Stand back, children! Jared wants to give you AIDS!
Stan
No, you don't understand. Jared doesn't have "AIDS," AIDS, he has assistants. Two guys that help him lose weight that he calls his aides.
People in Crowd
[softly] Oh.
Mayor McDaniels
You mean, Jared's aides are like my aides?
Jared
Yes. ...Y-you mean you all thought...? Oh my Gosh!
Skeeter
Oh boy, do I feel stupid.
Gerald
Oh we're so sorry, Jared.
Jared
No no, hey it was my fault. I can't believe I- I, I didn't think of what I was saying! [giggles]
Chef
Eh so he was saying, children should have help like he had! [laughs]
Randy
Yeah! That has got to be about the biggest misunderstanding ever! [several people laugh]
Jared
[laughing] Oh my God! I told my girlfriend I wanted her to share my aides - oh, no wonder she left!
Herbert Garrison
[laughing] Cuh-can you imagine what we thought when you said, "Aides for Everyone Foundation?"
Jared
Oh, brother!
Skeeter
Aha- [stops and realizes something] ...Hey. We're all laughing. [everyone stops and listens]
Mr. Mackey
Uh hey, yeah. We, we woulda never laughed about this before.
Randy
Well don't you see what this means? It's been 22.3 years, so... AIDS is finally funny!
People in Crowd
Ooo.
Mayor McDaniels
He's right. It happened!
Jimbo
Hey everybody! AIDS is finally funny!
People in Crowd
Alright! Yay! Woohoo! [fireworks come up out of nowhere] Hooray!
Mr. Mackey
I knew it would be funny someday! [laughs] AIDS!
Herbert Garrison
Then it's time... We can undo the banner! [fanfare comes up, and a man pulls a curtain away to reveal a huge golden plaque reading "AIDS IS FINALLY FUNNY" Ooohs and aaahs follow.]
Cut to Times Square, where the crawl reads "3-06-02 AIDS HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY DECLARED FUNNY"
New Yorker
Hooray!
Cut to Mayor's office, outside. Everyone now has party hats on and are celebrating. The field reporter resumes reporting.
Reporter
Tom, I'm standing in the town square where just moments ago it was declared that AIDS... can finally be joked about. What a great day for humanity.
Herbert Garrison
[laughs, then] "AIDS quilt" [resumes laughing. The crowd disperses and Tuong Lu Kim finds the boys]
Tuong Lu Kim
Oh boy, this is fantastic! I so grad AIDS is funny now.
Stan
Okay, so now, do you wanna use our friend in your commercials?
Tuong Lu Kim
Sure 'kay. I pay you fifteen dowlars.
Stan
Fifteen dowlar? But... Jared got millions!
Tuong Lu Kim
Hey, I'm not a-Subway, I Shitty Wok. Shitty Wok don't have... million dollars.
Stan
[takes off his hat and throws it on the ground] Oh God-damnit!
Kyle
Aw, just forget the whole thing then!
Tuong Lu Kim
Okay. [walks off, returns] Hey, you kids know why chicken cross the road?
Stan
Why?
Tuong Lu Kim
'Cause it has AIDS. [laughs. The boys just look at him oddly] AIDS so funny! [walks away laughing]
Stan
Well, so much for our money.
Kyle
Yeah, but you know, I've learned something today. It would have been wrong to exploit Butters' weight loss. Because then lots of fat people would have believed it. And then gone and eaten a ton of Chinese food instead of dieting properly. They'd still be fat and, we'd be responsible for their shattered dreams.
Butters
Yeah, I don't like shattering fat peoples' dreams. Besides, I'd get grounded. [gasps] Oh, Jesus! I'm supposed to be grounded! [rushes away]
Butters' house, minutes later. Butters rushes to the front door.
Butters
Huh. Huh, uh, uh.
Cartman
[opens the door in anticipation] There you are, Butters!
Butters
[nervous] Wuh-are my... mom and dad back home yet?
Cartman
No, but they're due home any minute. Come on, you're just in time!
Butters
Hoh boy! Mom and Dad didn't... find out I... left the house, did they?
Cartman
No, I totally covered for you. They completely believed I was you on the phone!
Butters
Hu-oh! Goody!
Cartman
Here you go. [hands Butters some drawings] I drew some pictures with crayons so it looks like you were here all day. And I ate a little food so it looks like you ate, and I fed your cat.
Butters
Uh- perfect.
Cartman
Alright I'd better get out of here before they get back. [makes his way to the door]
Butters
Uh hey, uh Eric? [Cartman turns around] Uh- thanks for coverin' for me. You're a real pal.
Cartman
Butters, it was my pleasure. [pulls out his mittens and opens the door, then puts them on. He heads for the sidewalk humming a late night theme song, then turns around to frame the house with his fingers, then walks away]
Butters' house, outside. Cartman, still humming, returns with a beach chair, some popcorn, and soda, and sets them up on the front lawn. Then he sits down to look at the coming show. Two cars pull up: it's Butters' parents rushing home. They exit their cars and head for the door angrily. They enter...
Butters
Hi, Mom and Dad!
Stephen
DON'T YOU HI MOM AND DAD US YOU LITTLE PUNK!!! "(Punch)"
Butters
Ow! Dad?
Linda
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN MISTER! "(Punch)"
Butters
Ah! What did I do?! What did I do?!
Stephen
YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH NOW?! ANSWER ME!!! [a belt is heard coming off and whipping Butters]
Butters
Aaaa!! [the beating continues]
Cartman
Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.
End of Jared Has Aides


  602: "Jared Has Aides" edit
Story Elements

Jared FogleAIDSCity Wok • "Jared's Theme"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Sixth Season