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The official script for "Jakovasaurs" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!


  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Eric Cartman
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Randy Marsh
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Liane Cartman
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Ned Gerblansky
  • French people
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Dr. Mephesto
  • Jakov
  • Hope (Junjun)
  • Agents from the Department of Interior
  • Chef


[The boys are camping near Stark's Pond. They've set up a campfire and are roasting marshmallows. Cartman plays a harmonica]

You guys, listen to this song I just wrote. It's called, "I Hate You Guys":
[plays four notes before each line]
I hate you guys.
You guys are assholes.
Specially Kenny.
[the other three glare at him] I hate him the most.

Okay now, let's try one all together:
I hate you guys. Come on, you guys know the words.
Specially Kenny.

Kyle: This is sweet, being rugged outdoorsmen. ["Hey you guys, sing the song!"] Facing the wilderness, not having to be home until 8:30,... [Cartman gets up and walks away]
Stan: Where are you going?
Cartman: I'm going home for a minute. I have to go to the bathroom.
Kyle: Just go behind a tree.
Cartman: I have to go number two.
Stan: So? You can poo in the wilderness.
Cartman: No way, dude! What would I wipe with?
Kyle: Cartman, don't be such a baby! We're supposed to be rugged outdoorsmen!
Cartman: Well what do I sit on?
Kyle: You just squat, stupid! [Cartman begins to lower his pants...]
Stan: Not here! Go further away!
Cartman: [moves away] God, I'm glad you guys know all these "pooping outside" rules! [he squats some distance away and begins] Urgh. Come on, now.
Kyle: Watch out for ground eels! [he, Stan and Kenny begin to laugh]
Cartman: Stop, you guys! I can't think!
Kyle: What do you have to think about?
Cartman: I have to think about... planes dropping bombs, and dump trucks, and self-serve ice cream... [a dump is heard] Oh, that did it.
Stan: Sick, dude!
[In the lake, the water becomes agitated, and a bubble comes up. Cartman pulls out his harmonica and plays again]

Poopin' outside,
[a rear shot] Makin' self-serve ice cream
For my friends
Specially Kenny.
Hey, Kenny, Can I borrow one of your gloves?
[a yellow creature peeks out between the trees. It is the one looking at Cartman's rear.]

Kenny: (Here you go.) [begins to walk to Cartman, but realizes what it's to be used for] (No way!) [goes back to roasting his marshmallow]
Cartman: [hears some rustling and zips up immediately] What the?
Creature: [running through the trees] Oohma poota!
Cartman: Oh my God! Come on, you guys, come look at this!
Stan: [thinking of poo] We don't wanna look at it, Cartman!
Cartman: [urging] You guys, get over here!
Kyle: No way, dude!
Cartman: I'm serious now! [the boys walk over to the spot] Look. Over by those bushes.
Kyle: What?
Creature: Meesa scared!
Stan: I see it!
Cartman: Come on! Let's kill it! [the boys move forward]
Kyle: [steps in the poo and looks at his shoe] Aw, Cartman! You're supposed to bury it!
[Jimbo's lodge. This is where Huntin' and Killin' is shot. Inside, Jimbo is watching TV and Ned, in a short kimono, looks for something.]
Announcer: Look at this sword. Only on House Shopping Network. It has a dragon on the blade. [close-up of the samurai sword] It's got a dragon painted right on the blade! You should buy the samurai sw-
Jimbo: Ned, how the hell could you lose your voice box?! [Ned tries to speak] I can't hear you, Ned. You don't have a trachea. You smoked too much and you had it removed. And then you drank too much and you lost your god-damned voice box, Ned!
Ned: [eructing] Shut... up... Jimbo.
Jimbo: Aw, Ned, don't burp-talk. That just sicks me out.
Stan: [outside] I saw it this way!
Kyle: Over here!
Cartman: [trying to keep up] Come on, you guys!
[the boys reach the lodge]
Jimbo: [opens the door] What the hell's goin' on?!
Stan: Uncle Jimbo, Cartman found a big animal creature and it ran over that way!
Jimbo: Hold on, I'll get my shotgun! Ned! Ned, come on! [goes in, and reappears with his gun. Ned follows him out the door] Where did it go?
Kyle: It just ran by here a second ago. [rustling is heard]
Jimbo: [cocks the shotgun] Sounds like it ran into the ostrich trap! [all move slowly around a corner] Sshh. Now keep quiet. All right. I'm gonna turn my flashlight on. It may get startled, so be ready. [turns it on and flashes it into the trap]
Creature: Ooba jaaga!
Jimbo: Holy Crow! I've never seen anything like it!
Creature: Meesa gonna die? Wooo-wowoop!
Cartman: Heheh. Hey-heh, that thing's funny.
Kyle: [annoyed] It's stupid.
Jimbo: Well, let's kill it.
Cartman: [intervening] No! No. Don't.
Jimbo: Huh?
Cartman: I like it.
Kyle: You don't like anything, Cartman! [the creature is shaking from fright, and Cartman looks at it affectionately]
Jimbo: Well, all right. Ned, get the Mayor on the phone, tell her that we... hoh yeah, he can't talk. All right, never mind, I'll do it.
[South Park, the next day]
Jimbo: Yeah, it was like wrestling a Louisiana alligator, this thing. Put up one hell of a fight. [the crowd murmurs and the creature just stares out of the cage. His view is that of a fish lens]
Sheila: [walks up to it] Hello there. Who's the cute baby? Who's the fuzzy, huh? Yes, that's a cutie. [three men with briefcases walk up]
Fed: Mayor, we're from the Department of Interior.
Mayor: Ooh, yes. How are you?
DOI 1: [the one with black hair] Fine, just fine.
DOI 2: [the one with red hair] Fine, just fine.
DOI 3: [the one with brown hair] Fine.
Mayor: Right over here. [she shows them the creature and they stare in awe]
DOI 2: My God, McClanahan, do you believe it? [DOI 3 is just stunned]
Creature: Meesa needa Jakov. [raises its arms] Dwooooooo!
DOI 1: Mm-it's amazing.
Mayor: What?
DOI 1: Mayor, this is a jakovasaur. A live one has never been seen.
Mayor: Oh, neato.
DOI 2: Incredible. [turns to look at the Mayor] We know of this creature only from remains frozen in snow.
DOI 1: Do you realize what this means? We could use its DNA and have a chance of bringing the entire jakovasaur species back from extinction.
Cartman: Wow! Cool!
Ned: [eructing] Is... there... re... ward... money? [the DOI agents look at him]
Jimbo: Huh, cut it out, Ned! That's just disgusting!
DOI 2: This one jakovasaur can mother an entire population of the animals.
Woman: Well, in that case, I think we should name it... Hope.
Woman 2: Hope.
Man: Yes, Hope.
"Hope": Meesa name Junjun.
Stan: I think his name is Junjun.
Mayor: Hope. Why, that's a perfectly beautiful name!
DOI 1: Now we must find a safe place for it.
Mr. Garrison: I'll keep it at my house.
Mayor: No, Garrison, you'll just try to have sex with it!
Junjun: Uuh?!
Mr. Garrison: What?! How dare you say that?!
Mayor: Garrison, you remember what happened to the wounded pigeon you were supposed to take care of?!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, come on! You all know that pigeon was a total slut.
Rancher: Oh, I got a barn it can stay in. It ain't much, but it's heated.
DOI 1: Well, that sounds fine, just fine.
DOI 3: Fine, just fine.
DOI 2: Fine.
Mr. Garrison: Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everyone around him raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever!
[That night, something mysterious is happening at Stark's Pond. The water is agitated again, and another jakovasaur rises out of the water. It sees a pup tent and rushes to it. It finds a backpack next to it and searches it. The following address shows up: E. Cartman, 21208 E. Bonaza Cir., South Park, CO. But Cartman is at home looking at the House Shopping Network on TV]
Announcer: It's got a dragon painted on the blade. This is the Sumatomi sword-
Cartman: [wondering] Wow, a dragon right on the blade. Mom, can I get a Sumatomi sword used by the ancient Tokugawa soldiers??
Liane: [from somewhere else] I'll think about it, hon.
Cartman: Sweet. [someone knocks on the front door] Mom, somebody's at the door.
Liane: Mommy's busy, boopie-kins.
Cartman: Should I get it?
Liane: [in bed, with torch and bong in hand] Go ahead, snookums. It's probably one of your little friends.
Cartman: Okay.
Liane: [inhales, with a manly voice] Hmmm. [two men are in bed with her. One of them is her congressman, O'Reilly]
[the knocking continues]
Cartman: Okay, okay, hold your horses! God! [opens the door and screams. An angry jakovasaur glares at him. Cartman backs into the living room] Mom, it's another Stark's Pond creature!
Liane: That's nice, muffin.
Jakovasaur: Please help me. Whoa-oh-oh-oh. [falls on his face and gets up] Please help me find Junjun. She has been gone since last night, and I'm worried sick.
Cartman: You mean the other jakovasaur?
Jakovasaur: What means a jakovasaur?
Cartman: You're a jakovasaur; that's what they call you.
Jakovasaur: Oh. Cool beans.
Cartman: But the other jakovasaur talked different.
Jakovasaur: That's 'cause Junjun's a girl. Girls talk different.
Cartman: I have to call my friends over; they're never gonna believe it.
Jakovasaur: Please take me to Junjun. We're the last of our kind. There are only two of us left.
[Cartman's room. He's telling his friends what he learned]
Cartman: He's the last of his kind, you guys. There's only two of them left. [the others stay silent, looking at him]
Kyle: Did you smoke some of your mom's crack?
Cartman: Will you stop with the whole "mom smoking crack" thing?! It's a old joke!
Jakovasaur: [hidden] Eric, do you have any more cookies? [Cartman turns his head aside and grins]
Stan: Who's that? One of your mom's boyfriends?
Cartman: No, that was a jakovasaur. It's okay to come in. [the closet door opens and the jakovasaur comes out]
Stan: Wow!
Cartman: Jakov, I want you to meet my friends.
Jakov: Huhello, guys. I love new friends. [trips and flies across the room, then clears his head. A rattling noise is heard]
Cartman: Hahahahaheh, isn't he funny?
Stan: [put off] No, he's annoying.
Kyle: What are we supposed to do with him?
Cartman: We have to take him to that rancher's barn to see his girlfriend.
Stan: Why don't we just tell our parents?
Cartman: No! Why don't you wanna to understand? We have to do this ourselves.
[The rancher's barn, that same night. The boys break into the barn with Jakov]
Stan: [softly] Sshh! Be quit. We could get in big trouble for being here.
Jakov: [sees his mate and can't help it] Junjun!
Stan: [softly, curtly] Sh! Keep quiet, stupid!
Jakov: [rushes up to her] Oh, Junjun, I'm so glad you're okay! [she's sitting on some hay]
Kyle: [softly, curtly] Dude, have you ever heard of whispering?!
Jakov: [turns around] I am whispering! [steps on a rake, whose handle smacks him on the head] Yyeow!
Cartman: [laughing] Haaahahahah. You're so funny, Jakov.
Jakov: [soothing his head] I am?
Stan: Okay, uh, Jakov, why don't you just take bunga here and go back to Stark's Pond?
Jakov: Oh, I don't know. This place is kinda nicer than Stark's Pond. [the barn doors open to show the Mayor, the rancher, and the DOI agents looking quite angry.]
Junjun: Aw, we's in big doodoo now.
Jakov: Uh oh.
[Jimbo's lodge, daytime. Ned is on the phone]
Operator: Hello, and welcome to Voice Box Express, your #1 source for voice boxes. I'm Amanda. How may I help you?
Ned: [eructing] Yes... Hello..., um..., I... lost... my... voice... box...
Amanda: Excuse me?
Ned: I... lost... my... voice... box...
Amanda: [after a long pause] Excuse me?
Ned: [faster, after a pause] I... lost... my... voice... box... [Jimbo enters the room and Ned hangs up]
Jimbo: Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box! [Ned reaches for it, but Jimbo keeps it out of reach, teasing Ned] You want it? You want it? Yeah! Do you? Yeah! You want it? All right, here you go. [hands him the box] Well, try it out!
Ned: [crisply] Mmm. Aw, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. Gmmm, now, what in the devil is this thing?
Jimbo: Oh, no, I must have picked up the Irish model by mistake.
Ned: Mmm-aw, what a bloody pickle this is! Did you keep the receipt, then?
Man: [barges in] You guys come quick! I've only just heard!
Jimbo: What? What is it?
Man: They've found another one! They've found another jakovasaur! [silence]
Ned: Gmmm, blimey.
[South Park Square. The Mayor stands on stage with the DOI agents and the two jakovasaurs as the townsfolk filter in. The boys stand in front of the steps on the left side of the stage]
Mayor: [on the mic] Here with more on the status of the jakovasaurs is Department of Interior guy.
DOI 1: Thank you, Mayor. [takes over] The noble jakovasaur is on the brink of extinction. And now, you, as a community, have a chance to bring them back.
Cartman: [reading his acceptance speech] "Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor..."
Kyle: What are you doing, fatass?!
Cartman: I'm preparing my speech for when they call me up to congratulate on me on my discovery. "Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor..."
DOI 1: ...Hope and Jakov are the last of their kind. But with the help of the Mayor, we have implemented a plan to help them breed. We will give them a home and a fighting chance at survival.
Man: [amid much chatter] Yea for us!
Jakov: Thank you!
Mayor: And now, the little boy who first discovered the jakovasaurs, Eric Cartman!
Cartman: [walks to the podium and speaks] Thank you, Mayor, for this honorable distinction.
Man 2: Well, that's about it. Let's go.
Man 3: Yeah. [the crowd begins to disperse]
Cartman: You know, there's really only two seasons here in South Park: Winter, and July, heh heh heh. But, but um, seriously, South Park has always been a place of discovery for me... [finds himself all alone in the square] Ey, you sons of bitches! Get back here! I'm having a god-damned distinctive honor!
[The jakovasaurs' new home. Everyone involved in finding and caring for the jakovasaurs is there]
Jakov: Wow!! It's so pretty!
DOI 1: Well, Jakov, we hope this new home "inspires" you and Hope to uh, hm, you know... [the room falls silent]
Jakov: What?
DOI 2: Well, we'd love to see more jakovasaurs, so, maybe you two should uuh...
Jakov: What?
DOI 3: Get to some business. [make a ring with the thumb and index finger of one hand and sticks the other index finger through the ring]
Jakov: [scratches his head] What??
Kyle: They want you to have sex, God-damnit!!
Jakov: Ooohh.
Mayor: [as the rest leave the house] We'll just leave you two lovebirds alone.
Jakov: Well, all right, then. [the Mayor closes the door]
[The jakovasaurs have no idea what to do, so they don't do anything. Outside, the boys, the agents, the Mayor, the rancher, and Jimbo wait for something to happen. Sure enough, things are heard falling inside. Jakov is heard moaning and yelling as he stumbles around. Junjun runs out of the house and Jakov stands at the entrance]
Junjun: Meesa just don't wanna!
Jakov: [walking out] I don't know what to do!
DOI 1: Jakov, to have sex, all you need to do is, well, you know, put your... [sees there's nothing where something should be] Hmmm. [stroke his chin] I guess we don't know exactly how jakovasaurs mate.
DOI 2: [holds his index finger up] There is... another option.
[Mephesto's ranch. The boys, the agents, and the Mayor are present with the jakovasaurs. Jakov and Junjun are on the examination table.]
Mephesto: I've managed to artificially inseminate Hope with your semen.
Jakov: I have seamen? Where's their boat? [imitates a fog horn] Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr! [Cartman laughs]
Mephesto: Yes, yes, that's... very funny, Jakov. [Jakov stops] I... will need to examine Hope once more to see if the process worked. [sticks a syringe into Junjun's arm and draws a blood sample. Junjun reacts immediately as Mephesto goes to his microscope]
Junjun: Oh-wwoooooop! Oh-wwoooooop!
Jakov: [adds his reaction] Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr!
Stan: God-damn!
Kyle: Shut up!!
Mephesto: Yes! Yes, I think it worked! [Jakov and Junjun stop as Mephesto turns to face the group] You are going to be parents!
DOI 3: Yeah!
DOI 2: We did it!
Jakov: Now I can be like all the other guys in South Park!
Stan: [to Kyle] Dude, do we really want another one of these things hanging around?
[The Marsh house. A football game is heard inside. Next, several men are behind or sitting on the sofa. Seated are Randy, Gerald, and Stuart, and behind are Chef, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Garrison. Jakov is seated next to them on a folding chair. Jakov will now know what it is to be one of the guys.]
Commentator: ...and Bubby Brister is having a great first quarter! Let's see what trickery he uses here. Here's the snap, and he's down-
Jakov: Thanks for inviting me to watch the game, guys!
Randy: No problem, Jakov.
Commentator: To the 40-yard line!
Men: Yea!
Jakov: Go Niners! Ni-ners!
Gerald: We're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov!
Jakov: Oooops!
Commentator: Terrell Davis! He's at the 50, the 40, the 30,... [the men are happy]
Jakov: You guys know what? [they angrily snap their heads in his directions] This one time, I was watching this rabbit, a brown rabbit-
Commentator: He breaks another tackle, and the ball is loose!
Jakov: You guys know what... happened? It touched Junjun right in front of me.
Randy: Hey Jakov. Uh, could you run down to the store and get some more... pretzels?
Jakov: Sure. You got money?
Gerald: [hands him some bills] Here- here you go. And and don't go to the store down the block. The one four miles away in Fairplay has better pretzels.
Jakov: [gets up] Cool beans. [trips over the plug, knocking down the TV] Oopsie. I'll be right back. [closes the door]
Mr. Mackey: Jakovasaurs kinda piss me off, mkay.
The others: Yup.
[The house of the jakovasaurs. The boys, the agents, Jimbo, Mephesto, the Mayor, and Sheila are all present]
DOI 1: Amazing! The gestation period was only four days.
DOI 2: At that rate, we could repopulate the jakovasaurs in just a few years.
Junjun: Doe-wooop!
DOI 1: Don't worry, Hope. Everything's gonna be fine, just fine.
DOI 3: Just fine.
DOI 2: Fine.
Kyle: Dude, I don't wanna watch this thing have a baby.
Cartman: If Jakov and Hope don't have kids, their race will become extinct.
Kyle: Maybe their baby will be still-born, like Cartman was. [he and Stan laugh]
Cartman: Hey! I might have been still-born, but at least I got better!
DOI 2: Here we go.
Junjun: Doe-woooop!
Sheila: [gushing] Behold, the miracle of childbirth!
Junjun: Dowoop! [her water breaks and lands on everyone]
Kyle: Gross!
Junjun: Dowoop! [a baby jakovasaur is shot out and strikes the wall. It whimpers as it drops]
All: Hooray!
DOI 3: This is the first step in bringing the species back from the brink of extinction! [the baby jakovasaur gets up and moves around, growling]
Junjun: Dowoooop! Dowoop!
DOI 2: Looks like there might be a second one.
DOI 1: Wow! That would be a great start for them. [close-up of the second baby flying out of the vagina]
All: Hooray! [Junjun starts pumping babies out in all directions. The adults crouch behind the sofa for cover]
Mayor: She's a cannon! [seventeen babies end up in front of the wall. The lead agent walks up to them]
DOI 1: Well. Ap-parently, they breed in litters.
Cartman: [picks up a baby and says sweetly] Aren't they cute, you guys?
Stan: [to Kyle] Huh-I'm not so sure this is a good thing.
Junjun: Huh-owhoa-o-woop! [pumps out a second set of jakovasaurs]
DOI 1: Huh?! [getting out of the way] Whoa-o-whoa!
[South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. Class is now in session.]
Mr. Garrison: Ho-okay, children, we have some new students joining us today. Let's all be warm and welcome them to our class. [the class is full of jakovasaur children]
Stan: Dude, it's crowded in here.
Jakovasaur Boy: [sitting in front of Pip] I like school!
Jakovasaur Girl: Bo-woop!
Mr. Garrison: O-kay, so, we're just gonna stick to our normal lesson plan and start the day with history. [starts writing on the board] Now, does anyone know why Chubby Checker left the Beatles in 1972? [a jakovasaur kid in the front row raises his hand and waves it] Yes?
Jakovasaur Boy: I don't know.
Jakovasaur Girl: Bo-woop!
Mr. Garrison: O-kay, is there anyone who can answer the question?
Jakovasaur Kid 1: [in front of Wendy] I can't.
Jakovasaur Kid 2: Me neither.
Mr. Garrison: [angrily] Damnit, you don't raise your hand if you don't know!
Jakovasaur Kid 2: Oh.
Jakovasaur Kid 3: O-wowo-oop! O-woo-oop!
Jakovasaur Kid 4: Ooo! Fight! Fight! [he and another jakovasaur start to fight]
Jakovasaur Kid 5: School, school! I like school! [the fighting escalates]
Jakovasaurs: School, school! I like school!

School, school! I like school!

Kyle: Dude, this sucks ass!
Cartman: ["School, school! I like school!"] I like going to school now. Jakovasaurs are so cool. ["School, school! I like school!"]
Mr. Hat: This is insane, Mr. Garrison. ["School, school! I like school!"]
Mr. Garrison: [looking defeated] It sure is, Mr. Hat. ["School, school! I like-!"]
[The bar, that night. Many of the town's adults are inside chatting away, including the Mayor]
Mayor: Now, folks, I know we're all a little worried about the jakovasaurs, and I want to hear you all out!
Mr. Garrison: Mayor, the little jakovasaurs are ruining my classroom. I can't teach our kids anything!
All: Yeah!
Chef: And those jakovasaur eat three times as much as normal children! I can't keep up!
All: Yeah!
Man: Totally!
Trashman: And they're creating more trash than we can handle, too!
Man: Totally!
All: Yeah!
Man: Listen to her!
Man 2: And what about little Laura, the Williams' kid? If she doesn't get that heart-valve operation, she could die. [no one responds, so he supports himself] Yeah! Yeah, that's right!
Mayor: All right, all right. It's obvious we have to do something, but we can't just make them leave.
Jimbo: We just encourage them to find someplace better.
Mayor: But where? Jakovasaurs are big, loud, annoying, and stupid. Where would they fit in?
[The house of the jakovasaurs, next day. The Mayor and others are talking to Jakov and Junjun]
Jakov: Memphis?
Mayor: Yes, Memphis. [shows him a brochure of the city] You jakovasaurs would love it there.
Jakov: I don't know. I like South Park a lot. What do you think, honey?
Junjun: G'ooh-woo-ooop!
Jakov: Yeah.
Mayor: But everyone in South Park wishes they could live in Memphis. Right? [several people respond with "Yeah" and "Memphis"]
Jakov: Okay, we'll move to Memphis!
Some men: Yea!
Others: Hooray! [the door opens, and the boys appear with Liane]
Cartman: [cheerfully] Hey, Jakov, how's it going?
Jakov: Great, Eric! We're moving.
Cartman: [gasps] Moving?
Jakov: Me, Jun and the family are heading to the Promised Land of Memphis.
Cartman: You... can't leave. You're my friend.
Liane: Oh, Eric dear. It's what's best.
Jimbo: Yeah. Let's get that luggage packed!
Cartman: [softly] Jakov, please don't go. [music] You make everything in South Park fun. [Jakov is touched] You brought life to this whole town. It would suck without you.
Jakov: It would?
Cartman: Yes. These people, Jakov, these people need you. I need you. Please, Jakov. Stay?
Jakov: O-kay. I like South Park best of all. We're staying!
Cartman: [exulting] Hoo-ray! Jakov is staying, you guys! [everyone else is pissed at him]
[Outside. Everyone leaves the house disappointed]
Mayor: Now what do we do?
DOI 1: Don't worry, We've come up with a plan.
Mayor: You have?
DOI 1: Yes. We're leaving.
All: What??
DOI 1: We're getting the hell out of here and away from those God-damned things.
Mayor: You can't leave.
Cartman: Yes. Who would take care of them?
DOI 2: Little boy, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. [gives him a DOI badge] So now, you are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.
Cartman: [a bit humbly] I have authoriteh?
DOI 2: That's right. And people must respect it.
Cartman: [fitting into the role] Well, that should be fine, just fine. [the agents climb into their van]
DOI 2: Fine, just fine.
Cartman: Fine.
Stan: Oh, no! Nothing's worse than Cartman with authoritah!
DOI 2: Bye-bye, now. [closes the door, and the van speeds away. Stan and Kyle just look at each other.]
[The Jakovasaurs' house, later that week.]
Announcer: And now back to... Jakovasaurs! on Comedy Central. ["Jakovasaurs" appears on screen. Then, Junjun appears in the living room with some of her children.]
Jakov: [enters wearing a fedora and carrying a briefcase] Hi, honey! I'm home! [trips over the welcome mat and crashes into the sofa. Canned laughter is heard] Wooooo! [gets up, rubbing his head] Boy, it was rough at work today. I've never seen so much coffee.
Junjun: Booo-wooop?
Jakov: No, in the boss's lap. [more laughter]
Boy: Hello, dad.
Jakov: Hello, son. How was your day?
Boy: Oh, not so good. Something really strange happened.
Jakov: What? You mean MTV played a video that wasn't Will Smith? [more laughter]
Boy: Noho, dad. A man in a blue suit and a bag came to the door. He just left this li'l piece of paper with a stamp on it. [brings out the letter]
Jakov: That's called a mailman. He takes care of mail.
Boy: Oh! He took care of mom, too. [more laughter]
Jakov: You're a nut! Let me see that letter. [opens it and reads the letter] It's from a game show. The Mayor has invited me to compete. [the front door opens]
Cartman: Hi, Jakov. [applause] What the hell is that? [laughter] Who's laughing?
Jakov: Eric! The Mayor has invited us to compete on a game show in South Park! Big prizes, an all-expense paid vacation-
Cartman: Wow, that's cool. I can help you get ready. [he and Jakov start walking]
Jakov: Woo, woo! [trips over one of his kids and falls on his back. Cartman stops. Jakov gets up. He and Cartman face the camera as laughter and applause are heard, and grin.]
[While Cartman visits Jakov, the other boys are in the Mayor's office with several townsfolk. Liane is there, too]
Mayor: [anxious] Come onn, come on! [the phone rings and she snatches the receiver] Hello!
Jakov: Mayor? This is Jakov. I'm the tall fellow down the block from-
Mayor: Yes. Yes, Jakov. You're calling about the game show. Congratulations! Will you do it?!
Jakov: Sure! If a free trip is involved, can my whole family go?
Mayor: [rushing] Of course! That's the point! Just be ready this afternoon at the public access building, and good luck! Hope you win!! [thrusts the receiver to arm's length]
Jakov: Cool beans!! [the Mayor hangs up]
Mayor: We've got 'em! All right. The boys here will keep little Eric Cartman distracted. Meanwhile, we get rid of the jakovasaurs and bring some normalcy back to this town! Ready?
All: Break!
[South Park Public Access. The Mayor is hosting her own game show this afternoon. To her right is Jakov, to her left Officer Barbrady. Jakovasaurs cheer in the first two rows in the studio audience. Jimbo approaches Ned]
Jimbo: Hey, Ned! A package came for you today from Voice Box Express.
Ned: [eructing] Oh... boy..., oh... boy.
Mayor: [whispering in Barbrady's ear] Now remember, Barbrady, all you have to do is lose!
Barbrady: Right.
Mayor: [goes back to her mark] Okay. Let's quiet down, people and jakovasaurs! [turns on the mic] Now, as you know, the winner of this little game will get an all-expense paid trip for himself and fifty of his closest relatives to lovely France! [the jakovasaurs hoot and holler] And, all one of you lucky constetants has to do is answer only one of these questions! Are you ready, players?
Barbrady: Ready.
Jakov: Ready.
Mayor: Okay. Hands on your buzzers.
Jakov: [bzt] Forty-seven! [his kids cheer wildly]
Mayor: [correcting Jakov] You have to wait until I ask the question first.
Jakov: Sor-ry!
Mayor: That's okay. Hands on buzzers.
Jakov: [bzt] Turkey sandwich!
Barbrady: Damn, he's quick!
Jakov: [bzt] Oh. Sor-ry! [bzt]
Barbrady: No, I'm sorry. [bzzzt]
Jakov: [Bzzzzzzzzt] No, it's my fault. I'm sorry.
Barbrady: [Bzzzzzzzzt] No, it's all me. Uh, my bad.
Jakov: Sorry.
Barbrady: Sorry. [both buzzers stay on]
Mayor: Will somebody please unplug the God-damned buzzers?! [the buzzers stop]
Stagehand: [off camera] Got it!
Mayor: Now, can we get on with this? First question: What color is blue? [drumroll]
Barbrady: Blue? [ping. Barbrady gets the first point]
Mayor: What?
Barbrady: Uh. Blue is blue?
Jakov: Awww, did I lose?
Mayor: What? Blue is-? Nono. Hang on. [whispers to Barbrady] You're supposed to lose, you idiot!
Barbrady: Where am I?
Mayor: Just don't answer any more questions, got it?
Barbrady: Okie-dokie.
Mayor: Sorry, folks, a little mix-up. We're playing best out of three!
[The woods. Stan and Kyle lead Cartman along. Cartman is in uniform.]
Cartman: What are we doing out here, you guys? I wanna see if Jakov wins that game show.
Stan: Oh, he'll win. Don't worry.
Kyle: We just have to show you this new species because you're the Department of Interior guy now. Soon, they'll all be eaten by bears.
Cartman: Oh. Let me get out my notepad so I can classify this new species. [brings it out] Well, this should be fine, just fine. Just fine, fine.
Kyle: [pointing] There it is! [a shot of Kenny wearing twigs] That must be of the antelope family.
Cartman: [after some study] That's Kenny with branches on his head. [looks again] Why did you bring me all the out here, you guys?
Stan: [huffs] Cartman, jakovasaurs are making South Park suck. You have to understand that.
Cartman: Well, what does that have to do with me being all the way out...? Wait a minute. You're distracting me! That game show is a fix! [drops his notepad and rushes back to town]
Kyle: Cartman! Wait!
Kenny: (Hey you guys, wait up for me!) [a black bear rushes down the hill, growling] (Waaah!) [the bear mauls him and tumbles away]
[South Park Public Access. The game show continues. Barbrady is ahead 7-0]
Mayor: What's two plus two, Jakov?
Jakov: I don't know!
Barbrady: Four? [ping. 8-0]
Mayor: Jakov, what is your name? [drumroll. The studio audience looks at him quite annoyed]
Barbrady: Jakov [ping. 9-0]
Mayor: Oh, screw it. Jakov wins! [raises his hand in victory]
Jakov: I do? [his kids rejoice]
Mayor: You and your entire family are going to wonderful and exotic France!
Jakov: Hooray!
Mayor: All right, everybody. Let's get them to the airport! [members of the studio audience start carrying out little jakovasaurs] Let's go, people! There's no time to lose! [two people carry Jakov out]
[South Park Airport. The jakovasaurs are being whisked into the plane as quickly as possible]
Jakov: [looking at Randy and Gerald] But what about our clothes? Shouldn't we pack first?
Randy: Jakovasaurs don't wear clothes, Jakov.
Jakov: Oh yeah. Well, good-bye everybody! We'll send stuff from France!
Crowd: Good-bye!
Jakov: [almost trips as he turns to enter the plane] Werrr. [the crowd laughs weakly]
Cartman: [arriving and running up the stairs] Jakov!
Jimbo: Close the door! [an attendant closes the door on Cartman's face]
Cartman: [pounding] Open this door!
Liane: Eric, this is for the best.
Cartman: [facing the crowd angrily] I am Department of Interior guy, and I have authoritah! [the plane backs into the runway, then moves forward. Cartman rushes down the steps and runs alongside the plane] No! Jakov, don't go!
Jakov: [from his window] Hi, Eric! Okay, bye, then! [the plane takes off. Cartman can only watch as the plane disappears in the horizon]
Cartman: [resigned] Come... back. [the crowd begins to surround him.]
Liane: [reaching out] Eric, it's important for you to understand-.
Cartman: Don't, mother! Just, don't.
Mayor: [on one knee] I know it's hard, Eric, but I've learned something today. You see, animal species come and go. It's all a part of natural evolution.
Jimbo: The jakovasaurs would have gone extinct if we hadn't interfered. Because their particular form of life simply wasn't practical.
Ned: [with a much better voice box] We can't go around saving every form of life, any more than we can kill them all. We have to let nature run its course. [silence]
Jimbo: Mhmm Ned, that voice box sucks!
Ned: I know. I'm still trying to find my old one.
Mayor: Well, then. What say we all go get some ice cream!
Crowd: Hooray!
Cartman: No. That's okay. I'll see you guys. [slowly walks away]
Kyle: Dude! I've never seen Cartman care so much about something.
Stan: Yeah. I guess he finally found something that's as annoying as he is.
[The Café Grenouille in Paris, France. The Eiffel Tower in in the background. An accordionist plays]
Waiter: Bonjour.
Woman: [blonde wearing stylish shades] Bonjour.
Waiter: Café?
Woman: Oui. [a bus pulls up and drops off passengers, then pulls away]
Jakov: [with his family] Come on, kids! Let's go find some pyramids! [crashes into a table and ends up in its umbrella on the ground] Woops! Aaaah! [The accordionist stops and everyone stares at Jakov. Then they start laughing]
Man: [one of two in suits] C'est drôle et amusant (That was SO FUNNY!!) [chuckles]
Accordionist: (I love its antics!!!)
Blonde: Il est si comme Jerry Lewis!!! (He's just like Jerry Lewis!!!) [the laughter continues]
[End of Jakovasaurs.]

  305: "Jakovasaurs" edit
Story Elements

Stark's PondJakovasaurFrance • "I Hate You Guys"


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South Park: The Complete Third Season

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