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The official script for "It Hits the Fan" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Stan Marsh
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Timmy Burch
  • Filmore
  • Ike Broflovski
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Sam, a colleague
  • HBC President and his staff
  • The Knights of the Royal Order of Standards and Practices
  • The Geldon
  • Drew Carey and Mimi
  • Excalibur barker, waitress, and sorcerer
  • Frank and Mitchell (voices only), two cops on Cop Drama
  • Chef
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Ms. Choksondik
  • Principal Victoria
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Various announcers
  • Old folks
  • Rick Watts and Anchorman Tom
  • Peter and friend
  • Townsfolk
  • Librarian
  • Plane Captain (voice only)

Script

[Morning, bus stop. Stan and Kenny wait for the bus, and Kyle arrives]
Kyle: [joining the two other boys] Hey you guys! Look what I have!
Stan: What?
Kyle: Four tickets to The Lion King on stage!
Stan and Kenny: [pause] ...Oh.
Kyle: Aww, come on, you guys! It's supposed to be really cool.
Stan: Yeah - no - I'd, it, it sounds really cool.
Cartman: [off-screen, but rushes in] You guys!!! Hey you guys!!! Oh my God!! Oh my God, you guys!!
Kyle: What, doughboy?
Cartman: I was just- [looks stung, then flashes an angry look at Kyle] I was just watching the TV! They had this commercial.
Stan: So?
Cartman: So, guess what they're gonna say tonight on that show, Cop Drama.
Kyle: What?
Cartman No, come on! Guess! They're gonna say something that's never been said on television.
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: You'll never guess.
Stan: What?!
Cartman: Guess.
Kyle: Goddamnit, Cartman! What are they gonna say on Cop Drama?
Cartman: You ready? [focus on Cartman] Tonight, on Cop Drama, on TV, they're gonna say, [looks both ways] "Shit."
Kyle: [gasps] They're gonna say "shit" on television?
Stan: They can't say "shit" on television!
Cartman: It was just on the news! People are freaking out, dude.
Stan: Holy fucking shit!
Kenny: (Dude! We've gotta watch!)
Cartman: Yeah. I'm gonna have people over to my house to see it.
Kyle: Bu- but I got these tickets to see Lion King on stage.
Cartman: Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle: I said "shit" on television!
Kyle: It's just a marketing ploy by the network. Like that time they had the first male-to-male kiss with Terrance and Phillip?
Stan: Aw, come, on dude! This is history.
Kyle: It's stupid!
Cartman: Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter? You got some sand in your vagina?
Kyle: No, I don't have sand in my vagina! I just think it's a little immature for us to be standing around talking about one dumb word being on TV!
[Day, South Park Center for Seismic Activity, water cooler. Randy Marsh and three others shoot the breeze there]
Randy: Hey, uh, Sam, did you hear the news?
Sam: Yeah, they're gonna say "shit" on television.
Colleague 1: [balding man] Hey, we should all get together and watch it at the bar.
Colleague 2: [with light brown hair] Yeaaahhh!
Sam: Yeah.
Randy: Yeah.
Colleague 2: Are you guys gonna let your kids watch?
Randy: Oh, sure, I mean, you know, Cop Drama is a very artsy, dramatic show.
Sam: And they're gonna say "shit"!
[Day, sidewalk. Butters is tagging TELE's as Kyle walks up to him]
Kyle: Hey, Butters! [Butters turns to see Kyle, and the tag is shown: "Butters"] I got tickets to go see Lion King tonight, and I decided to invite [points] YOU before anybody else.
Butters: Oh, sorry, I can't. [Kyle is disappointed] They're gonna say "shit" on Cop Drama, and my mom and dad say I have to watch it with them so that I don't take it the wrong way.
Kyle: How many ways are there to take it?! It's just a stupid word!
Mr. Garrison: [walks by] Hey everybody, it's on in thirty minutes! [people get in their cars and peel out of there, while those on the sidewalks quickly disperse. Only Kyle is left, bewildered]
[Night, the town bar. Many of the town's men, including Randy and his coworkers, are inside watching "Cop Drama." The officers in the show speak in hushed tones]
Cop: [voice-over] Listen, Mitchell, I put my life on the line every day. How dare you accuse me!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I bet this is it! Here it comes.
Mitchell: I'm doing my job, Frank! We have to know where that evidence was shipped!
Jimbo: Oh, was that it? Was that it?!
Randy: [annoyed] Shipped. He said "shipped".
Frank: I told you, we don't have a record of that. And besides, -
[Cut to Cartman's house, night. Cartman sits on the sofa with Stan, Kyle and Kenny, and he's eating from a box of Cheesy Poofs]
Frank:
Cartman: Goddamn it! When are they gonna say "shit"?!
Stan: Sh!
Mitchell: Maybe... maybe protect them from you?
[Cut to Chef's house, bedroom. He and Principal Victoria watch the show together in bed]
Frank: Maybe you're forgetting who you're talking to!
Mitchell: And maybe you're forgetting I used to be a cop, too!
[Cut to the Broflovski house, living room. Sheila and Sharon are enjoying some popcorn as they view the show. Sheila is in the arnchair]
Frank: Yeah? You used to be a lot of things.
Sheila: Oh, he doesn't know that Mitchell slept with his wife, does he?
[Cut to the old folks home.]
Mitchell: That's it, I've had enough of this.
Frank: Don't you turn your back on me, you!
[Cut to New York's Times Square, in which a large crowd watches the show from behind a N.Y.P.D. police line]
Mitchell: I said, enough!
Frank: Is it?
[Cut back to Cartman's house.]
Frank: Will it... ever be enough?
Announcer: Cop Drama will return after these messages.
Stan: Jesus Christ! Another commercial? Are they ever gonna say "shit?"
Cartman: I'm sure they're just holding it 'til the very last scene.
Stan and Kyle: Uh! [Kyle drops from the sofa and heads away]
Stan: Where are you going, Kyle?
Kyle: [stops and looks back] I'm going to the kitchen! This is stupid!
Stan: But you're gonna miss it! They're gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss it!
Kyle: I don't really give a fuck! [turns and walks away]
Stan: Oh.
[The bar, later.]
Mitchell: Just understand that it's my job. I still think you're a good cop.
Frank: Well, Mitchell. I guess you're goin'ta do what you're gonna do. Let's just try and stay friends no matter what.
Mitchell: You're right. Maybe I'll see you around.
Frank: Goodbye. Oh, and Mitchell? [voice lowers to a whisper] You've got some shit on the side of your mouth right there.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah, thanks, thanks.
Bar Patrons: Wow!!!
[Cartman's house...]
The Boys: Whoa!!!
[Chef's bedroom...]
Chef and Principle Victoria: Oh!!
[The old folks home...]
Old Folks: Whoa!
[Times Square... the crowd there cheers]
[The bar...]
Jimbo: [awed] They did it!
[Cartman's house...]
Stan: I can't believe they actually said it. [Kyle returns with some food]
Cartman: Dude! You missed it, Kyle! It was so awesome!
Kyle: Well! I hope it lived up to all the hype! You must feel so much better now!
Cartman: Kyle, we've gotta get that sand out of your vagina. It's making you cranky. Does it itch?
Kyle: Do you really think anything's gonna be any different now?! [moves from one end of the sofa to the other] Do you really think that this will have the tiniest, smallest effect on the world? [moves towards the front door] It's still the same old world out there. Look. [opens the door to find frogs raining down on the neighborhood. The other boys soon join him] What the hell?
Cartman: Whoa, dude, it's raining frogs.
Kyle: Oh, whatever. [steps back inside]
[Channel 4 News]
Anchor Tom: Last night, the daring and bold show, Cop Drama [title screen pops up], broke new ground by saying "Shit!" on television, making "shit" officially okay to say around the country. [poll picture pops up, and is filled in as the announcer continues] A recent poll shows that 24% of Americans think the show has pushed the envelope too far, while a whopping 76% say they don't really give a shit. [A Medical Alert pops up] In other news, a strange virus which causes victims to vomit up their intestines is making life shitty for a small farming community. [a field reporter stands before an ambulance and a barn] Rick Watts has the story.
Rick Watts: Thanks, Tom. Shit is certainly going down here in the small town- [begins to vomit strenuously, then falls over dead]
Tom: Whoa, shit!
[South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings]
Ms. Choksondik: Alright, children, in lieu of the common usage, I'm s'posed to clarify the school's position on the word, "shit".
Stan: Wow! We can say "shit" in school now?!
Kyle: This is ridiculous! Just because they say it on TV it's alright.
Ms. Choksondik: Yes, but only in the figurative noun form or the adjective form
Cartman: [quizzically] Huh?
Ms. Choksondik: You can only use it in the non-literal sense. For instance, [turns and writes on the board] "That's a shitty picture of me." is now fine. Hoever, the literal noun form of [writes] "This is a picture of shit." is still naughty. [crosses out the sentence]
Cartman: I don't get it.
Stan: Me neither.
Ms. Choksondik: The adjective form is now also acceptable. For example: [writes] "The weather outside is shitty." However, the literal adjective is not appropriate. For example: [writes] "My bad diarrhea made the inside of the toilet bowl shitty, and I had to clean it with a rag, which then also became shitty." [crosses it out] That's right out!
Timmy: Sss...sss...[draws it out] shit. [grins]
Ms. Choksondik: Very good, Timmy.
Butters: [raises his hand] Uh, Ms. Choksondik, eh, can we say it in the expletive? Like, "Oh, shit," or, "shit on a shingle"?
Ms. Choksondik: Yes, that's now fine.
Cartman: Wow, this is gonna be great! A whole new word!
Kyle: [angrily] It's not new!! I'm gonna look "shit" up in the encyclopedia and prove it!!
Cartman: Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina.
Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!!!
Ms. Choksondik: [pointing] Boys, watch your language! Shit!
[Kindergarten, day]
Mr. Garrison: And so, children, instead of saying "Hand in your papers," I may now say, "Hand in your shit." Any questions?
Filmore: What about, "I have to take a shit"?
Mr. Garrison: No! No, Filmore! You can say "I have to poop and shit," or "Oh, shit, I have to poop," but not "I have to shit." Are we all clear?
Kindergartners: No.
Mr. Garrison: Look, it's all about context. Well, for example, recently, I have come out and admitted that I was a homosexual. I'm gay. That means that now I can say the word, "fag". On television they usually don't allow "fag". But because I'm gay, it's alright. And with the new approval of the word, "shit," that means that finally I am free to say,
Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,
Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?
Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,
Shitty shitty fag fag,
how do you do?
[pleased] Oh this is great!
[South Park, some days later. The town has taken to using the S word, with Shit-themed stores and products all over the place. People proudly sport the word on their shirts. An elderly couple walks out of Shit 'n Things and stop just outside the door]
Elderly Woman: Why that store has such lovely shit.
Elderly Man: Yeah. [they walk forth] Too bad I don't have shit for cash right now. [camera pans to the right and shows Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey.]
Principal Victoria: Oh, looks like the weather might turn shitty.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, I don't really give a shit. I've done enough shit outside today and shit.
Man: Shit, Peter, you look like shit.
Peter: No, shit, I feel like shit. I think I-[begins to vomit strenuously, then falls over dead as people gather to see what's the matter]
Woman 1: Holy shit!
Woman 2: Did you see that shit? [Officer Barbrady arrives]
Barbardy: What kind of shit is this?
Man 1: That is some weird shit. [camera pans up into the sky. Voice-overs from here on]
Woman 3: Susan, your shit's ready!
Man 2: Do you know where this shit goes? [cut to a shot of the U.S. with Colorado highlighted. Smoke pours up from cities everywhere]
Man 3: Shit if I know.
Woman 4: Nice going, shit-for-brains.
[a high mountain is shown]
Man 4: ''Old McDonald took a shit, E I E I O
Man 5: No shit!
[seven knights are shown encased in ice. The smoke reaches them and thaws them out. Music swells. They step forth and walk to the edge of a cliff, looking out over all those towns and cities spewing forth the filthy word. They draw their swords and raise them high, and lightning strikes each of the swords]
[South Park, another day. Mr. Garrisn is walking down the street, singing.]
Mr. Garrison: ''Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,
Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?
Hey, there,-
Man 6: [bumps into Garrison] Oh, shit, 'scuse me. [walks away]
Mr. Garrison: Hey, watch it, fag.
Man 6: [stops and backs up] What did you call me?
Mr. Garrison: I called you a fag. Because I'm gay, and that means I'm free to use the word "fag". So piss off, you fag-shitter! [laughs and walks away]
Heh, so hey there, shity shitty fag fag
Shitty shitty fag fag, ba doop a doop doo [walks past Stan and Cartman. Cartman is sucking on a Popsicle]
Stan: This sucks. Now that "shit"'s out, it isn't fun to say it anymore.
Cartman: Yeah, they've taken all the fun out of "shit". We're gonna have to start saying other bad words, like cock and fuck and... meecrob. [licks his Popsicle]
Stan: What's meecrob?
Cartman: You know, that stuff you get as an appetizer at Thai food restaurants. Meecrob, dude, is way grosser than "shit", dude. I'd scarf down a whole wet bucket full of shit before I ate another plate of meecrob. [Kyle rushes in with Kenny behind him]
Kyle: You guys! You guys! I've looked up the word, "shit"! I think it might have something to do with people dying!
Stan: What?
Kyle: Haven't you noticed everyone getting sick? It all started when they said "shit" on television.
Cartman: [dismissive] Oh, Kyle, you are so full of meecrob.
Kyle: I am not full of meecro- what? Look, the word "shit" first showed up in English in the 1340s, the same time as something called, "The Black Death".
Stan: What's that?
Cartman: Kyle, do you still have sand in your vagina about us not going to The Lion King with you?! I mean, shit, dude, let it go.
Kyle: Look! It might be a coincidence, but I think we'd better ask someone. Come on! [They walk past Shit Shack, and one of the knights steps out of the store as they leave. He sniffs a teal shirt with the word "shit" in his right hand.]
[Hollywood, day, the HBC building. The network president talks to his staff in a boardroom. They're all smiling]
HBC President: ...Seventy-five share. My God, I never thought it was possible.
Director 1: [brown hair and tie] Sir, your "shit" idea has turned the entire network around. We're proud to work for you. [all clap]
Director 2: [a blond] Sir, I'd just like to take this opportunity: And, I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say, you are the most creative genius in Hollywood, and... well... I'd let you have me if you wanted.
HBC President: Thanks, Roger, but I've only just started. You see, I've already figured out our new marketing scheme technique for the next run of shows.
Director 3: Whoa!
Director 4: He's unstoppable!
Director 1: What's the new idea?
Director 3: I can hardly wait.
Director 5: I'm about to piss myself!
HBC President: [dramatic. Music swells] This Saturday... on HBC... we're going to say... [music stops] "shit" ...twice.
Director 3: [pauses] Twice!
Director 4: Brilliant!
Director 6: Think of the repetition!
Director 3: It's like saying it once... but double!
HBC President: Well gentlemen, let's get on it!
All: Ho! [they raise their arms up in salute]
[South Park Elementary, day. Chef is singing away in the kitchen, serving up lunch for the kids.]
Chef: Baby you are so fine, and shit!
The shit you do, the shit you say; I'd jump on your shit any day!
[the boys walk in]
Oh, hello there, children.
The Boys: Hey Chef.
Kyle: Chef, do you know where "shit" comes from?
Chef: Uh, from your ass, children.
Kyle: [holds his left palm out] No no! The word, "shit".
Chef: Oh.
Cartman: [points to Kyle] Detective Sandy Vagina here [Kyle looks angrily at Cartman] thinks that "shit" might have something to do with everyone getting sick.
Kyle: Ungh, it said in my book that the word, "shit", started exactly the same time as something called, "The Black Death".
Chef: The Black Death? Are you sure?
Stan: What's the Black Death, Chef?
Chef: LaToya Jackson, children.
The Boys: Oh.
Chef: But I think back in those days it meant something else: the plague!
[The Library, later. Chef reads from a large book on a large table on the ground floor. To his left sit Stan and Kenny, to his right Kyle and Cartman]
Chef: It says here the word, "shit" has been around for over 600 years. It comes from the Anglo-Saxon word, "skite".
Kyle: Right. But in the 1340s people in England stopped calling it "skite" and started calling it "shit." The same year as the Black Plague.
Librarian: [walks up with a cart of books] This is the oldest book in the library. [stops and holds up the book] A priceless original of England's history. Just about everything you could want to know about the plague is in this great tome. [blows the dust off the book, and the book disappears in the dust] Oh, shit. Well, this other book has some good information, too. [hands Chef the book and Chef cracks it open. Music starts]
Chef: The Black Plague. Over half of Europe was killed by it.
Stan: Look, they're puking out their intestines, just like the people here. [points]
Chef: Look at this, children. [the boys look closer] It says that the people in England believed that the plague was a curse, a dark magic infliction brought on by a mass utterance of a word of curse.
Stan: Word of curse?
Kyle: A... curse word.
Chef: Of course! I've never even thought about why we use the term "curse word" before.
Stan: Because it brings a curse? Like the Black Death.
Cartman: You guys, look here. [the others move over to see] In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe. This could explain how Kyle got it in his vagina.
Kyle: Cartman, this is serious!!!
Cartman: So am I, Kyle. If that sand in your vagina doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb. [laughs]
Librarian: [returns] If you don't mind, I'll have to close up now. They're going to say "shit" seven times on HBC and I- [begins to vomit strenuously, then falls over dead]
Stan: Holy shit!
Cartman: Oh-Ho, gross!
Kyle: Dude, this plague is spreading like wildfire! [Kenny goes under the weather and coughs. The others look]
Stan: Uh oh.
Kenny: (Uh oh.)
Cartman: Kenny's got it. heh heh.
Kyle: We've gotta do something, Chef. If we don't we don't stop that network, [the lead knight looks into the library from the bushes] "shit" will become an even more acceptable word!
Chef: Children, we've got to warn those producers in Hollywood that the plague, and "shit", could be linked!
[An airplane, day. Chef and the boys are headed for Hollywood]
Captain: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out the right side of the aircraft you can see some interesting shit. [all look right, except Chef and Kenny] And over on the left side, there's some interesting shit, too. [all look left, except Chef and Kenny] Well, we should be arriving in Los Angeles in about two hours. Until then we invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy our shitty service. [Kenny coughs at Cartman]
Cartman: [brushes himself off] Goddamn it, Kenny! Don't get your plague germs on me!
Kyle: Cartman, stop being an asshole! [camera pans left to the lead knight sitting between two men, reading from THE WORLD NEWS. The knight lowers the paper and looks over at the boys, then sips from his coffee cup]
[HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, boardroom.]
Director 5: Tha ratings are in, sir. We broke another record last night with the show that said "shit" seven times! [applause]
Director 1: Where is the roof on this thing? I mean, I mean, how can we top ourselves now? [the president walks behind him en route to the head of the table, then sits down]
HBC President: Gentlemen, I have it. The end-all greatest marketing ploy of all time. [applause] Tonight, on HBC, we will air all our sitcoms... LIVE. And have everyone say "shit" in place of their written lines. And we'll call it "Must Shit TV".
Director 1: Bravo!
Director 2: "Night Of A Million Shits!"
HBC President: Now, doing this live will be difficult, so we must- [Chef and the boys burst through the doors]
Chef: Hold on a minute, Mr. Producer!
HBC President: Who are you?
Chef: My name is Chef, and these are the children! We've come to warn you about "shit".
HBC President: [wearily] Oh brother, another Christian protest group.
Director 1: Who wants to take this one?
Director 2: I'll get it. [rises and walks over to the guests, with a box of complimentary gifts] Gentlemen, we appreciate your concern. [starts speaking quickly as he hands out beanie turtles, caps, American flags, and T-shirts. Kenny's eyes are bloodshot now] Here at HBC the general goal is providing the highest and most thought-provoking netertainment. How great it is that we live in a country where an artist can express himself freely. That's not only the American spirit, it's the HBC spirit. Which allows us to make great family programs like Halo The Turtle, and of course, everyone's favorite show, Cop Drama. We can't thank you enough for bringing your concerns to our network, for it is you, the loyal HBC viewer, who makes this great network, and indeed, the great country that it is. [finishes his speech with some confetti, then returns to his chair]
HBC President: Alright, now, as I was saying-
Chef: Hey! Hold on a minute!
HBC President: Aw, are they stil here?
Chef: Haven't you people noticed all the strange things going on?
Kyle: We think that you might have could it by helping make "shit" an everyday word. [the executives just stare back at him]
Director 4: Hm, right, right.
Kyle: It's true. We think that word might be plaguing our friend, Kenny.
HBC President: Do you have any proof of this?
Kyle: ...No.
HBC President: Then [rises] get out of here before we have you thrown out!
Cartman: But... we can keep the Halo the Turtle dolls, right?
[HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, outside. Chef and the boys exit the building.]
Chef: [defiant] Damn cracker-ass producers!
Stan: Now what are we gonna do, Chef?
Chef: I don't know, children. I guess we've got to get the word out to people some other way.
Lead Knight: [arrives, and brandishes his sword] Aaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.
Stan: Oh shit!
Lead Knight: Stand aside! [the boys make way for him, and he rushes into the building]
[HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, boardroom.]
HBC President: Alright, now, we have to get all our biggest names to say "shit", and then we're gonna- [the knight bursts into the room]
Lead Knight: Halt your evil plans!
Executives: Huh?
Lead Knight: I possess the Rune Stone of Undoing! Who is in charge here? [all the directors point to the president]
HBC President: Oh... [buries his face in his hands, believing his staff did something special for him] No, you guys didn't hire me a stripper for my birthday- oh, tell me you guys didn't.
Lead Knight: Show your true form, Geldon, lest you be afraid! Your short time in this world is at an end! [aims the Rune Stone at the president, but nothing happens. The directors just look at him.] Ach. The Rune Stone has no effect! You are not Geldon!
HBC President: I never said I was.
Lead Knight: [wields his sword and rushes towards the president] You will die anyway, for you have spread the word of curse! [decapitates a director]
HBC President: Security! [two officers come in with guns drawn andn fire away at the knight]
Lead Knight: Ach! [the gunfire forces him out a window, and he falls to the ground five floors below] oh.
[HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, outside. Chef and the boys approach the fallen knight.]
Chef: Who are you?
Lead Knight: Take this. [reaches out, and gives Stan the stone.]
Stan: What are we supposed to do with it?
Lead Knight: Eeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. [expires]
Kyle: Now what?
Chef: We've got to find people who would know what the hell this is all about. Children, we're goin' to have to go to the land of castles, knights, and kings!
[Las Vegas, sunset, a view of the Strip, showing many of the attractions that can be found there.]
Announcer: [as Chef and the boys take a people-mover in] Lords and Ladies, we bid you welcome to the grandest casino in the land, Excalibur! [a shot of the casino inside, with craps table, one-armed bandits, etc.]
Barker: Take a free spin. Double your odds. [Chef and the boys approach]
Chef: 'Scuse me. Do you work here?
Barker: How can I help you, noble sir?
Kyle: We need some help identifying an ancient English stone.
Barker: A what?
Stan: It might hold the key to a curse.
Barker: Uh... I can help get you some credit or a comp meal, perhaps.
Stan: Dude, we need help from the British!
Barker: Look kid, This is just a casino. I can't help you. You know, not every British person knows about wizards [begins chuckling] and dragons and curses.
Chef: We just need help identifying this. [holds up the stone]
Barker: [suddenly concerned, with hushed tones] The Rune Stome of Gaelic! Where did you get this?
Stan: You know what it is?
Barker: The Skire once spoke of such a stone! Come, we must see the sorcerer! [leads Chef and the boys off]
[South Park, bar, night. The men are gathered there once again]
Announcer: Get ready for "Must Shit TV"! Starting now, four straight hours of pure shit! It's all live!
[On the set of the Drew Carey show. Drew and Mimi are onstage, with Drew sitting at his desk]
Drew: Hey! Heh, shit! Heh. [studio audience laughs] Ya ain't shit.
Mimi: Yeah. Dude, ya ain't shit! [more laughs]
HBC President: This is it. My greatest work.
[Excalibur, inside. The barker leads Chef and the boys down a hall and run into a waitress dressed as a damsel]
Waitress: Cocktails. Cocktails.
Barker: These Americans wish to see the Skire!
Waitress: Let us make haste to the inner sanctum!
[Excalibur, the hallway to the Inner Sanctum. The barker and waitress lead Chef and the boys through]
Barker: How could you foolish Americans bring the wrath of scorn by mass-chanting the word of wretchedness?!
Chef: Uh, yeah. We didn't mean to.
Barker: Didn't you realize "shit" is a curse word?!
Stan: Well, yeah, but I don't think that we knew "curse word" meant... curse word.
Barker: Ha! Leave it to Americans to think that "no" means yes, "pissed" means angry, and "curse word" means something other than a word that's cursed!!
[The Inner Sanctum. The group enters and walks towards the sorcerer]
Sorcerer: Let me see the stone. [takes it and walks off to his right]
Chef: But I don't get it. People use curse words all the time.
Barker: Saying a word of curse once in a while does nothing. It's only when spoken repeatedly and en masse that the curse takes place.
Sorcerer: [now seated at a table with a book of runes open] I've seen this before. Stones that were used by the Knights of Standards and Practices.
Chef: Knights of Standards and Practices?
Sorcerer: A legion of men sworn to do whatever necessary to keep the words at bay. But... they were just a myth.
[South Park, bar, night. The men watch the Drew Carey Show]
Mimi: You know what? You're dumb as shit!
Drew: Oh yeah?! Well, I don't really give a shit!
Randy: Ya know, that word's kind of getting old. It's not really... funny anymore.
Man 7: Yeah, they're gonna have to come up with a new swear word soon.
Mr. Garrison: Well, they can't use "fag". Because you can't say "fag" unless you're a homosexual.
Randy: Really? So we can't say ***?
Mr. Garrison: No. See, you got beeped.
Man 7: You mean you have to be a *** to say ***?
Mr. Garrison: That's right.
Jimbo: Well, that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag". [realizes he wasn't beeped]
Randy: ...Hey, you didn't get beeped.
Jimbo: Uh oh.
Mr. Garrison: Well, well, well! Guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag! You wanna make out or something?
Drew: [shown] Oh, man, I am up shit creek.
[On the set of the Drew Carey show. The door to stage C opens and in gallop the knights with swords drawn]
Mimi: Serves you right, shit-for-brains!
Drew: Yeah, how could I be such a dumb sh-
Lead Knight: Say not the word of curse! [throws his sword at Drew. The sword enters through Drew's mouth and out the left side of his head. The handle forces him off his chair and onto a cubicle wall]
HBC President: What the?
Mimi: [rushing in] Holy shit! [another knight chops Mimi's head off from behind]
[South Park, bar, night. The men watch the Drew Carey Show]
Mr. Garrison: Oh boy, this show is really reaching for plot now!
[Excalibur, the Inner Sanctum. The Sorcerer continues with the mythology of the knights.]
Sorcerer: The knights were formed to keep curse words to a minimum. Should a curse word ever be let out, they would return. A rune for each word of curse was made, representing each of the eight words that so offended God...
Stan: Look, there's the F-word.
Kyle: And asshole.
Cartman: I knew it! Meecrob! [the word is shown in close-up] Meecrob is a curse word! God must hate it as much as I do!
Sorcerer: Look at this: The writing here claims this stone can defeat the evil Geldon [the page he reads from show a dragon], who will rise when the word of curse has been said enough times to give him power. Then all the world will be destroyed.
Stan: All the world destroyed?
Cartman: My house, too?
Chef: Oh no!
Sorcerer: What?
Chef: Tonight is the "Night of a Million Shits" on HBC! It's gonna be said over and over!
Sorcerer: Then we haven't much time. We must go!
[On the set of the Drew Carey show. The blond knight approaches the cameraman]
Blond Knight: Turn off those devices of broadcast!
HBC President: What is going on here?! Stop this shit!
Blond Knight: We are the Royal Order of Standards and Practices! [a bald knight joins him]
Bald Knight: We command you to stop saying the curse word!
HBC President: Listen, Mr. Shinypants, I am the head of this network, and I will say "shit" all I want! Shit, shit, shit shit shit, shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit, [gasp. A rumble is heard], shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit! [stops. The rumble gets very loud and the ground begins to heave, as if an earthquake is occuring. The ground splits open and the Geldon rises from it. The audience screams as the Geldon breathes real fire out at them.]
Oh, shit!
[South Park, bar, night. The TV screen is show, with the HBC logo.]
Announcer: And now, back to Must Shit TV, here on HBC.
[On the set of the Drew Carey show. The terror continues - the knights fight the geldon valiantly.]
Lead Knight: He is too strong! We cannot fight him without the rune stone!
Director 1: My, my GOD, sir! What have you unleashed upon the world?!
HBC President: I didn't know. [begins to weep into his hands] I didn't know!!!
[South Park, bar, night. The men watch in increasing disbelief]
Randy: I, I can't follow this shitty storyline at all.
[On the set of the Drew Carey show. The terror continues, but Chef and the boys arrive]
Kyle: Wait! [the Geldon lets loose another blast of fire]
Cartman: [as the geldon sets more fires] Oh boy, that thing has really got sand in it's vagina! [one knight's horse's tail is on fire.]
Lead Knight: The rune stone! Point it towards Geldon! [Kyle does as ordered, and a flash of light emanates from the rune stone, stunning the Geldon]
Geldon: Agh. Dude, lame. Lame! [the ground opens up again and the geldon drops down into the hole] Bummer, dudes. [the ground closes up again]
Cartman: What a stupid voice.
Kyle: It's okay. The curse has been lifted. [the audience falls silent. Kyle and Stan are on stage.]
Stan: Yeah. We all gotta make sure it doesn't come back.
Kyle: You see, we've learned something today. Swearing can be fun, but doing it all the time causes a lot of problems.
[Cut to Kyle's home, where he's on TV]
Kyle: We're all saying the S-word too much! [Ike hops in]
Ike: Kyle.
Sheila: [on the sofa with Gerald] Look, Gerald. Kyle's on television! [she's sewing as he reads the paper]
Gerald: [doesn't look up] Uh huh.
[Cut to the old folks' home]
Kyle: The knights of Standards and Practices were created to make sure that bad words were kept to a minimum. "Curse words" They're called that because they are a curse. We have to go back to only using curse words in rare, extreme circumstances.
Stan: And besides, too much use of a dirty word takes away from its... impact. We believe in free speech and all that, but... keeping a few words taboo just adds to the fun of English.
Cartman: [camera cuts to him] So please, everyone, From now on you've got to try and watch your language. [murmurs and a smattering of applause come from the audience.]
[South Park, bar, night. The men think over the boys' message]
The men: [one by one] Yeah.
Randy: That makes sense.
Colleague 1: Ain't that right?
Mr. Garrison: Is this still part of the show?
[On the set of the Drew Carey show. The place is calm now.]
HBC President: We're sorry, noble knights of Standards and Practices. [the knights and the executives approach each other] From now on, we will obey your laws.
Blond Knight: See that you do!
Chef: I'm very proud of you, children. Let's all go home and find a nice white woman to make love to.
Stan: Yeah! And Kenny didn't die!
Kenny: (Yeah, I didn't- [he kneels over, his intestines pouring out over the sound stage]
Stan: Holy shi- [quickly taps his mouth with his hands and releases] poop.
Cartman: Hah, I love you guys.
[End of It Hits The Fan.]



  502: "It Hits the Fan" edit
Story Elements

Cop DramaHBC Network • "Shitty Shitty Fag Fag" • Drew CareyThe Knights of Standards and PracticesGeldonBubonic Plague

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Fifth Season

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