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Informative Murder Porn/Script

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Butters Stotch
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Craig Tucker
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Red
  • Tweek Tweak
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Mrs. Tweak
  • Stephen Stotch
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Aaron Hagen and his dad
  • Corey Lanskin
  • Peter Mullen
  • Cable Guy, David, and Mitch
  • Capt. Yates and his officers
  • Your Local Cable Company President
  • Narrators and announcers

Script

[South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Wendy is presenting her oral report.]
Wendy: [reading from her yellow index cards] Unless we come together as a country and realize that refugees from Syria should be considered in need-
Cartman: Boooo! [Wendy looks up and gets angry] Boo, Wendy! Boo, Wendy Testaburger, Boo!
Wendy: [returns to her report] Refugees from Syria should be considered in need of international protection.
Cartman: Boo, Wendy, Boooooo! Boo Wendy.
Wendy: [returns to her report, with her voice clearly getting more annoyed and explicit] The vast majority of refugees from Syria are likely to meet refugee status criteria and issued benefits from-
Cartman: Boooo, Wendy Testaburger, Boooooo! [Wendy lowers her report down to her sidee-] Boo Wendy! Liar!
Wendy: Instead of booing my opinion, why don't you make a constructive argument?!
Cartman: I'm not booing your opinion, I'm booing your report topic. No one even knows what a refewgee is. Boo, booben, boo.
Wendy: Mr. Garrison, can you do something about this, please? [no reaction - he's rather engrossed in the book he's reading] Mr. Garrison?!
Mr. Garrison: [startled] Huh? Oh, oh, Wendy, uhhh, very nicely done. Thank you. Okay, next report, [Wendy looks betrayed] let's have uh, Peter Mullen.
Wendy: [extremely annoyed, goes to her seat] Ugh, Jesus! [Peter walks up and takes her place]
Peter: My report is on the vile and despicable trash that our parents are watching on television. Fellow students: there is a plague of smut on our cable boxes! [whips out a remote control box and presses a button. A projector screen comes down behind him] Shows that feature reenactments of unsolved crimes and spousal homicide! [the screen stops] I'm talking of course about [presses another button and the first image comes up. It's an Investigation Discovery screenshot] murder porn!
Butters: Murder porn?
Cartman: That's more like it.
Peter: According to the Nielsen ratings, viewership in shows like "Cold Case Files," "Dateline: Murder," and "Deadly Affairs" is skyrocketing amongst married couples. The increased viewership has brought about a whole new slew of shows that use graphic sex, and innuendo, to make spousal murder more titillating. Shows like "Southern Fried Homicide," "Sinful Secrets," "On The Case with Paula Zahn." And it's all smut and it's garbage and it's [throws down his index cards] trash! [a few seconds later he clears his throat and gathers up his index cards] Your parents are watching this stuff! Go home and ask them! And as we ask them we must also ask ourselves, "If they're obsessed with this stuff, then how long? How long before one of our daddies dresses up in lingerie and bashes Mommy's head in with a brick?" [the class is speechless with mouths open. Only Cartman claps]
[Stan's house, day. Stan comes home from school and walks up the stairs to his room when he hears noises coming out of his parents' room. Sharon is surely enjoying it. Stan, still wearing his backpack, walks up to the bedroom door and listens in. He knocks on the door]
Randy: Oh crap, who could that be-?! Oh it's, it's, probably fuckin' Stan! Ah, hang on a second bud. [some low rumbles are heard] Come on it. [Stan goes in. Randy is in his most relaxed pose in bed] Oh hey Stan, what's up? [Stan looks at the TV screen to his right]
[TV screen.]
Narrator: His wife is having sex with the neighbor. [a couple going at it in bed] And when her husband comes home, [the husband opens the bedroom door, the couple notices and stops.] he wants more than just a divorce. [the husband raises his gun and kills the boyfriend, than the wife. Sharon picks up the remote and switches channels]
Stan: You guys are watchin' murder porn?
Randy: ...Murder porn? Stan, this is just an investigative crime show.
Sharon: Uh adults like documentaries.
Randy: Yes Stan, these are based on real things. This is like news. It's informative. Parents like informative stuff.
Stan: Okaaay. [turns around and walks out. Sharon switches back to the show]
Randy: Oh we missed the murder! Did he cut them up?!
[Later that night, in his room, Stan is sleeping. His phone rings and he picks up.]
Stan: What's up dude?
Cartman: Dude, do you know Aaron Hagen?
Stan: Yhh, yeah, the first grader?
Cartman: You should come down to his house. His dad just killed his mom.
Stan: ...What?!
[Aaron's house crime scene. Police and ambulance are there, along with a news crew. Aaron is on the front lawn crying, and Stan shows up. The dead mom, who has a large knife jabbed into her head through her right eye, is wheeled out by the paramedics. As they pass by Aaron, he sees his mom's dead body and screams in sheer terror.]
Sergeant Yates: Hey that kid should not be seeing this! [Aaron is still crying in despair, while an officer drops a blanket over him so he can't see]
Stan: What happened?
Dad: You're making a mistake! [he is naked and covered with blood, two officers haul him towards a police cruiser, while he struggles] Let me go! It wasn't me, I tell ya! A burglar broke in! He was black! He's the one who stabbed that nagging bitch in her fat face! He was blaaack! [the officers put him in and close the back door. The boys don't believe what they've just seen]
[Park County Community Center, day. A bunch of bicycles cover the parking area and kids can be heard inside. Kyle tries to hold court]
Kyle: Guys, guys, I know we're all concerned, but we have to work together!
Red: How is this stuff allowed to stay on the air?!
Clyde: The police found hours and hours of murder porn on the Hagens' DVR. What more proof do we need?!
Butters: I called the networks that are putting this smut out there, and you know what they told me?! They told me if I didn't want my parents watchin', then I should spend more time with them! Like it's my fault!
Wendy: This is the result of a broken society in which profits come before morals!
Cartman: Boooooooooo. Boooo Wendy Testaburger! Boo!
Kyle: Look everybody, I know we all feel our hands are tied, but the fact is, we can do something about this. There's an app which can actually allow kids to block things that their parents watch on television. And it is password-protected with a security code that only a child would know.
[The Marsh house, night. The Marshes are in bed watching ID.]
Narrator: Tonight at 10, it's a tale of lust, seduction, and murder, on Sexy Betrayals. [a man and woman kiss. He holds a wedding ring in one hand, and a knife in the other] Then at 7, some like their murder with a side of sexy biscuits, [a couple kisses on the front porch, then the girlfriend shots her man point blank in the forehead, smiling] on Southern Fried Homicide. But now, get ready for lust, betrayal and murder, [another couple. The girl stabs the guy through the left eye] on Hot Load Case Files. [a woman is ready to unload on her man and the two other women he's in bed with]
Randy: Oh yeah! [he and Sharon strip down] Three of the best shows in a row!
Sharon: Is the lube over there?
Randy: Yeah, I got lube right here.
Sharon: Well get over here, big guy.
Randy: Yeah-hah! [he moves over to her and they start making out. He leaves the lube near the edge of the bed. A three-tone chime is heard. Randy looks over and reads the screen]
[The screen reads: "CONTENT BLOCKED. To unlock, answer the security question: 'How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?'"
Randy: What the? [sits up. The lube falls off the bed] What the hell? [tries to change channels, but they all say the same thing. Moments later he's on the phone with his cable service.] Yeah, hi, uhh, we aren't getting our informative murder porn. No, no, none of our channels that have informative murder porn appear to be working. Yeah, the screen just says "How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?" Uhhh yes, we do have children. A what? A parental lock?
[Stan's room, night. His door is open. Randy walks into view, wearing only slippers, but stays in the hallway. Because he's naked, he's covering his privates]
Randy: Stan. Stan! [Stan wakes up, his eyes half-closed] How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?
Stan: [miffed] What?
Randy: What is Minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it?!
Stan: You guys don't need to be watching that stuff. [closes his eyes]
Randy: Oh come on! You can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn! What? You, you think if we watch shows about married people killing each other all the time we're gonna go out and do it?! That's stupid! [thinking a bit. Stan opens his eyes] I'm not gonna go out and kill your mom just because I watch Investigate Discovery, Stan! It'd be impossible to clear away all the DNA evidence anyway! Even if I hired someone else to kill her, I'd have to kill that person too, because 96% of the time that person eventually tells the truth! I thought this through a lot! [Stan closes his eyes again] Stan? [Stan opens his eyes] You're a lousy kid! I wish Jaden Smith was my son! [goes back to his room. Stan rolls his eyes and goes back to sleep]
[Get Cable offices, day. Inside, in the waiting area, is a group of angry, locked-out adults, including Gerald, Stuart, Stephen and Linda, and Mrs. Tweak.]
Stephen: Who do out children think they are?! Blocking our TV content?!
Mrs. Tweak: How are they able to do this with their smartphones?
Randy: It's all right. Our kids think they've outsmarted us, but we're the ones who pay the cable company! [Stuart returns from a meeting with the cable company] What'd they say? Can they remove the parental lock?
Stuart: No, they just did their usual cable-company runaround.
Randy: What?! We'll see about this! [storms into the office] Excuse me, our content is being blocked and we need it now!
Cable Guy: I'm sorry sir. If you need it now, perhaps you should switch to another cable company. [tauntingly] Ohhh there's not another cable company, is there? [begins to rub his nipples in circles] Ohhh, that's right, we're the only one in town.
Randy: Look, if our kids can block content, then you must be able to block them!
Cable Guy: As we told the others, sir, we can fix it. We just need to send a technician out to your house to change out your cable box.
Randy: [relieved somewhat] Oh. Well okay, great.
Cable Guy: [begins to process the request on his computer] We'll just need to find a window of time you can be home... How about between the hours of 6 am and 3 pm all of November?
Randy: NO, I can't wait around my house from 6 am to 3 pm all of November!
Cable Guy: [begins to taunt again] Oh, you can't? [begins rubbing his nipples through his shirt] Jeez that's too bad. You need to be home for the technician. Have you thought of switching to DirecTV?
Randy: I can't afford DirecTV.
Cable Guy: Oh, you can't? [rips off some patches covering his nipples off his shirt and begins rubbing his nipples directly] Jeez, that's terrible. Then I guess you just have to work within our time windows. [squeezes his nipples. Randy just glares at him and walks out]
Stephen: Well? Any luck?
Randy: No, just the usual cable-company stuff.
Mrs. Tweak: Oh well, guess we'll just have to live without our informative crime drama.
Stephen: No, screw that! Can't we just learn this Minecraft game so we can get around our kids' parental lock?
Randy: I've tried! It's not like other video games. I really don't get it. It was all retro and like Legos, but, then a bunch of kids online called me a griefer and kicked me off.
Stephen: We can learn, Randy. There's talk of a child. Word is he will teach Minecraft to anybody for the right price.
[In front of a kid's house, day. Randy knocks on the door. A boy holding a lollipop answers the door.]
Boy: Hello?
Randy: Hi. Corey Lanskin?
Corey: Yes?
Randy: We heard that... you're willing to teach Minecraft to adults?
Corey: Fuck off! [shuts the door on Randy. The adults are stunned and look at each other. Randy knocks on the door again, twice. Corey answers the door again, still suspicious]
Randy: Look, we were told that you were available for hire and we're desperate!
Corey: You was told wrong, mistuh! I'm just a simple kid with a simple passion for simple things!
Randy: We have a hundred ounces of silver. [Stuart leans to his left a bit and shows off a box]
Corey: [looks right, then left, and talks in a serious British accent] Wipe your feet and turn off your cell phones. [goes inside. Randy looks back at the other adults, then wipes his shoes off on the welcome mat and goes in. The other adults wipe their shoes off and go on in.]
[Corey's basement, moments later. He's got two long tables in there, with three computers on each table, all loaded up and ready for Minecraft training.]
Corey: [pacing back and forth between the tables explaining the game] Next we're going to select an empty world. Selecting an empty world will begin with you being dropped onto a beach. Now you're free to roam around and start punching trees!
Gerald: Punching trees?
Randy: Why, why would we punch trees?
Corey: Just use your fucking brain! How do you get wood? [Randy isn't sure] 'Ow do you get wood?!
Randy: [nervously] Watching informative murder porn?
Corey: NOO NOO, in this Minecraft forest, how do you get wood?!
Randy: Puh, punching trees?
Corey: Riiight. You punch the trees to get the wood, you get the wood to build a cabin.
Randy: Oh, I see. So when does the game start?
Corey: You are playing the game; this is the game!
Randy: ...I don't get it.
Corey: That's because you're thinkin' like a dad. Minecraft, it don't got no winner. It don't got no objective. You just fuckin' build an' shit. And seein' if other things can come and knock it down. Now, let's click on the inventory, and let's filter through the skin!
Randy: Yes ah, I'm getting it now.
Gerald: You are?
Randy: No.
[The Marsh house, night. Sharon is in bed looking bored.]
Sharon: Randy, it's getting late. Let's just go to sleep.
Randy: [at his computer playing away] I almost got it, Sharon. I found out where the horse is; now I just gotta figure out how to tame one.
Sharon: I'm really not in the mood now anyway.
Randy: Sharon, I miss being intimate with you! Everything was so passionate and then it just... dropped off. I feel like we're losing our bond.
Sharon: We don't have to have sex for our relationship to be good.
Randy: No, I know, but it's like we're just good friends. A marriage has to be more than that! A marriage has to include fulfillment of fantasy and desire sometimes. Magma cube? What the hell is a magma cube?
Sharon: [settling in] Well I'm going to sleep, Randy.
Randy: Okay, I'll wake you up if we get our murder porn back.
[South Park Elementary, hallways, day. Stan and Kyle walk down the hall]
Jimmy: There he is. Hey Kyle! [arrives with Craig and Tweek] The parental lock isn't working. Our parents are still watching murder porn.
Kyle: What? How do you know?
Tweek: I caught my parents over at Bebe's house watching Sunsets of Homicide. But Bebe got the lock from the cable company!
Craig: It's true. I walked in on my parents watching Marital Murder Mayhem. They broke the parental lock somehow.
Stan: That's impossible. Are you guys sure you set it up right?
Cartman: You guys? [Stan and Kyle turn to face him. He's at the end of the hall] You guys, you'd better get over here.
Stan: What?
Cartman: Butters' dad killed his mom. [Stan and Kyle look at each other in disbelief]
[Around the corner, down another hall. Butters is sitting on the floor crying. Around him are Bebe, Wendy, Kenny consoling him, and Cartman. Stan, Kyle, Craig, Tweek, and Jimmy arrive and a few other kids gather around]
Stan: Butters, what happened?
Butters: [through his tears] I was out by the lake last night and I saw my dad out in this field. He was harvesting sugarcane. It didn't make any sense because he was trying to harvest the sugarcane with a hammer. I saw him take my mom up to the top of this big... thing he had built, and he yelled "Hey, watch out for the Creepers!" but she fell!
Stan: Wait... wait, you mean in Minecraft?
Butters: Yeah. And then my dad just went berserk and came over and picked me up and threw me down a well! [Mr. Mackey happens along] I was trapped down there all night!
Mr. Mackey: Butters, your dad threw you down a well?
Stan: In Minecraft.
Mr. Mackey: Well what the hell is that?
Butters: I finally found a ladder and I was able to hoist myself out and there was my dad... frozen in the lake! It was like he had no idea how to swim out of it! Oh God it was so terrible! It was so terrible!
Kyle: [turns left] That's it. [walks a bit] That's how our parents broke the passcode. I never thought anyone would stoop so low!
Stan: Whattaya mean?
Kyle: Someone is teaching our parents Minecraft. [dramatic flourish]
[The Marsh house, dawn. Two officers knock on his door. He answers it in his bathrobe]
Randy: Yes?
Officer 1: Hello sir, had a little incident last night, wondering if you saw or heard anything?
Randy: No, what happened?
Officer 1: Well, someone broke into your next door neighbor's back yard and they... dug up a bunch of holes and punched his trees.
Randy: Punched his trees, huh?
Officer 1: Yes sir. Then we got a house across the street where someone dug up the yard and... built a cabin.
Randy: Huh. [puts his hands on his hips] That's weird.
Officer 1: What were you doing last night?
Randy: I was just playing Mi- mmmmuh... my banjo.
Officer 2: I play the banjo too.
Officer 1: Well, thanks for your time sir. You might wanna keep the lights on in your yard tonight in case someone tries to build a cabin on it as well.
Randy: Will do, officer. Will... do... [the officers turn and leave]
[Park County Community Center, day. The kidds are back inside, clamoring. Kyle is at the podium, and Stan stands next to him]
Kyle: Alright, alright, let's calm down! I know we're all concerned here!
Cartman: Concerned?! Thanks to you and your stupid app, parents are still watching murder porn, and now they're screwing up Minecraft too! [the kids clamor for a few seconds]
Craig: I spent three hours last night trying to get Tweek's parents to stop griefing my castle! When I finally got away from them, I found they had taken all my dandelions!
Clyde Why did we agree to that stupid app?!
Kyle: You know why! Because we're trying to keep our parents from watching murder porn!
Cartman: And why was that?! Because one kid's dad actually went and killed his mom! For all we know, that kid's parents have been doing drugs and cheating on each other for years! Maybe watching murder porn had nothin' to do with it!
Wendy: I have to agree with Cartman. Maybe we overreacted when our parents-
Cartman: Boooooo! Boo Wendy, boooo.
Stan: It's true, dude. Maybe we just need to trust that our parents won't act out what they see. [police sirens are heard]
Officer 3: All right, that's enough. Come on out and there won't be any trouble. [the kids pour out of the rec center and into some bright spotlights.] Give it up, Stotch. You've nowhere to run.
Butters: Huh?
Stephen: I'll never give up! [the kids look up, and the next camera shows a makeshift castle built over the rec center, made of blocks of wood with pictures all over them] I don't even remember doing this! Just leave me alone!
Randy: [steps forward carrying a large hammer] Huhuh. Oh nice one, Stotch! Your castle fuckin' sucks!
Stephen: Aw, go to hell, you griefer!
Cartman: Alright, we've gotta do something.
[Corey's house, day. Kyle knocks on Corey's door. Stan, Cartman and Kenny are with him.]
Corey: [in a trembling voice] Hello?
Kyle: Corey Lanskin?
Corey: Eh yes?
Kyle: We heard that you might be teaching Minecraft to adults.
Corey: [sucks on his lollipop] Whaaa? What's a, what's a "Minequaf"?
Stan: Look dude, we're trying to keep our parents away from graphic television shows! This could be a matter of life and death!
Corey: Oh no, please don't be angry. My mommy's always angry. "Get back in the meat locker!" "Ouchie ouchie Mommy raped my nono!" But she loves me, right? Mommy loves me?
Kyle: Uh alright, sorry kid. Gue- guess we have the wrong house.
Corey: Ohhhkay. [goes back inside] Bye. [closes the door. The boys turn around and leave, but Cartman stops on the walkway. A few seconds later the other three boys return]
Stan: What, dude?
Cartman: Something he said. Did you hear him? He said "Ouchie ouchie Mommy raped my nono!"
Stan: So?
Cartman: You know, if I'd been caught lying about something, that's exactly what I would have said.
[Meanwhile, in Corey's basement, new players at the the computers. Only four of them this time, including Craig's parents and Clyde's father.]
Corey: Now that you've built a workbench it's time to build somethin' that will take care of all those fuckin' sheep! [the boys have found the basement and come down the stairs] Just stop thinkin' with your grown-up brains and start usin' your-
Stan: Aha! [the boys reach the floor]
Corey: Oh shit! [the adults quickly leave]
Kenny: (I knew you're up to something!)
Cartman: Son of a bitch! [grabs Corey by the collar] Don't you think there are enough griefers in the world without our parents being shown this stuff?!
Corey: Kids gotta find some way to make a livin', don't 'e?
Stan: You have no idea what this is about, do you?! We were using Minecraft to block our parents from watching spousal homicide shows!
Corey: What? You mean like Investigation Discovery?
Kyle: So you know it.
Corey: Yeah, I've seen that stuff. [Cartman releases him] "'Oo The Bleep Did I Marry?", "True Crime with Aphrodite Jones". Real sick shit. Your parents watch that stuff?
Kyle: We put a stop to it, until YOU taught them Minecraft.
Corey: Your problem ain't with me, mates. Sure, one or two people might act out what they see in video games, but cable television? [takes out a cigarette and lighter and lights up the cigarette, then starts smoking.] People copy everything they see people do on cable. You're goin' about this all wrong. You wanna protect your family? You're gonna have to go fight the cable company.
[The cable company, day. The boys walk up to the cable guy]
Cable Guy: Hey guys, can I help you?
Kyle: Hello. There are certain networks that we see as harmful to our families, and we want them removed, please.
Cable Guy: [taunting] Ohhh, you don't want cable anymore?
Stan: No no, [whips out a list and reads it] just ID Network, A&E, Oxygen, and Oprah's network. All the ones with murder porn.
Cable Guy: You don't like paying for all the channels? [begins rubbing his nipples through his shirt] Ohh, our company actually packages channels together.
Stan: Look, can you unpackage them so we only get the channels we want?
Cable Guy: Oh I'm sorry. Our company doesn't work that way. [lowers his hands as if to look up something] You want me to give you the number of a different cable company that can- [goes back to rubbing his nipples] Oh wait, we're it, aren't we? [rips off the patches and rubs his nipples again] Dangit, I guess you have to deal with our packages.
Kyle: Can we talk to your supervisor please?!
Cable Guy: Oh, sure. Hey David?
David: [arrives] Hi, is there a problem here? [rips off the patches on his shirt and prepares to rub]
Stan: We want specific networks dropped from our cable.
David: [taunting. Both me are now rubbing their nipples] Ohhh you have to pay for the bundle. You can't just pay for what you wanna watch. Darn it.
Kyle: You mean that we're forced to pay for the Oprah channel?
Cable Guy: I guess if you don't wanna be [lowers his left hand from his nipple so that David starts rubbing it with his right hand. He in turn begins to rub David's right nipple with his left hand]forced to pay for Oprah, you're gonna have to shut off your cable altogether.
Kyle: Fine, [folds his arms over his chest] then we'll shut our cable off altogether!
David: Hey Mitch? When can you get out to shut off some cable boxes?
Mitch: [at his office rubbing his nipples] Oh man, it's gonna be like three weeks. There's a whole plug I have to pull out; it's like four inches long.
David: [now rubbing both of the cable guy's nipples, while the cable guy rubs his left nipple now] Three weeks, huh? Okay, is three weeks from now okay with you guys?
Stan: No, that's way too long!
Cable Guy: Oh it is?
David: Oh Jeez, that's terrible.
Stan: Goddammit, I just don't want my parents to murder each other! [the men stop rubbing] Can't you see that all we're trying to do is keep our families safe? Look, ah I don't know if seeing couples murder each other on television is gonna make my parents do it, and we probably won't be able to stop them from watching what they wanna watch. All we're trying to do is make it a little more difficult for them. Because cable makes is so convenient. Sure, if they didn't have easy access to their murder porn channels, they'd be bummed out, but it's not just our responsibility to give them what they want. Is it?
David: Say... say that last part again?
Stan: What?
David: Well what was the last part you said?
Stan: I said it's not our responsibility to give them what they want.
David: Nono, the part about your parents not getting the channels easily?
Stan: I... said it would really bum them out.
David: How... [he and the cable guy being to rub their nipples again] How much would it bum them out?
[A screen read "PLEASE STAND BY FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE"]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand by for an important message from the president of your local cable company.
President: Hello. In an effort to comfort the anguished cries or children everywhere, your local cable company has decided to drop all networks that sexualize spousal homicides from regular programming. Customers still wishing to view true-crime networks will now need to purchase a separate package [pulls back his coat and rips some patches off his dress shirt] which will require a technician to service your cable box every night from 2 to 3 am. and must include the purchase of 300 channels in Portuguese. We realize this may be an inconvenience to you, and we hope you will voice ALL your concerns to us, because at your local cable company the customer is always... our bitch.
[The Marsh breakfast nook, morning. Stan is doing some homework at the table. Randy is mad and isn't talking to anyone, and he has his arms crossed over his chest. Sharon is washing dishes]
Randy: Jaden Smith lets his parents do whatever they want. You know what? The guys at work, they took a bet on who would win in a fight, you or Jaden Smith, and they all said Jaden Smith could kick your ass! He does movies and he can sing, and he's totally cool to his parents!
Stan: Well then maybe you should go live with Jaden Smith, Dad.
Randy: [gets up angrily from his chair] I wish I could! I wish I could live with Jaden Smith so I could be rich and I wouldn't have to live in a boring sexless marriage where all your mom and I do piss each other off! [Sharon stops washing the dishes and leaves the kitchen. Randy notices and follows her with his eyes] Oh crap.
[In the living room. Randy appears at the kitchen doorway]
Randy: Sharon, I'm I'm sorry. [approaches her]
Sharon: No, you'r right, Randy. Without any sex we just seem to get madder and madder at each other.
Randy: [puts his arms on her shoulders] No, no, you're right, Sharon. We don't need informative murder porn to find passion in our marriage. We just have to get the spark back. Let's go away somewhere, me and you! Somewhere exciting and beautiful where we can just focus on us.
[The world of Minecraft. A high cliff is shown, with a waterfall and mountain goats. At the foot of this cliff is a lake and a park. A fire pit is nearby, lit and roaring. Randy's Minecraft avatar shows up]
Randy: Sharon? Heh, hey Sharon, are you here?
Sharon: I'm here, Randy.
Randy: It's beautiful, isn't it? Come on ever here, I built us a fire. Look what I got you. [presents a gem]
Sharon: Diamonds. [takes them] They're beautiful
Randy: Just thought I'd surprise you. And there's more where that came from.
Sharon: I've got a surprise for you too, Randy.
Randy: Oh yeah? What's that? [Sharon whips out an axe and jams it into Randy's forehead] AAAGH! [Randy falls on his side and dies. In real life...] Sharon, what the effing fuck was that?![Sharon is smiling]
Sharon: Sorry. I couldn't resist.
Randy: Jesus, you stuck a pick axe right in my skull!
Sharon: Oh I did! That felt really great.
Randy: Felt great?
Sharon: [getting sensuous] Yeah...
Randy: Well, hold on, stay by the lake. I wanna kill you now.
Sharon: Okay. [hours later, Stan comes home from school. He comes up the stairs wearing his backpack and hears his parents having a good time in their room. He walks over and goes in without knocking] Oh my God, you put that sword right through my face!
Randy: That felt so good!
Sharon: My turn again.
Randy: Okay, hang on.
Sharon: I've always thought about murdering you in your sleep. Can you go to the cabin and get in bed?
Randy: Yeah, okay, I'm headin' there now.
Sharon: You lazy jerk! You never do anything around the house! [CHUNK!]
Randy: OH! Ohoho, you bitch! [Stan looks down, then turns around and walks out] Ohohunh.
Sharon: Oh I love you, Randy.
Randy: I love you too babe. [CHUNK! She got him again] OH!
[End of Informative Murder Porn.]


  1702: "Informative Murder Porn" edit
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Get Cable CompanyInvestigation DiscoveryCorey LanskinAaron Hagen

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South Park: The Complete Seventeenth Season

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