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Ike's Wee Wee/Script

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The official script for "Ike's Wee Wee" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Ike's Wee Wee
South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, let's take our seats. This morning we're going to have a special lecture by your school counselor, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey passes in front of Garrison and gets ready to speak.
Stan
[Imitating the counselor.] Booooo!
Mr. Mackey
Nuh-now, who was that?
No one speaks.
Mr. Mackey
That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?
Stan
[Mimicking] I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?
Mr. Mackey
Uh... That's okay, just don't let it happen again.
Kyle
[Following Stan's lead.] We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?
The others laugh.
Mr. Mackey
Uh, okay, okay, that's fine.
Cartman
Okay?
Mr. Mackey
Okay. [More laughs.] Now, uh, as your counselor, I'm here to tell you about drugs and alcohol and why they're bad, m'kay? Uh, so, first of all, uh, smokin's bad.
Writes "smoking" on the board.
Mr. Mackey
You shouldn't smoke. And-uh, alcohol is bad.
Writes "alcohol" on the board.
Mr. Mackey
You shouldn't drink alcohol. And-uh, as for drugs, well, drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. Okay, that about wraps up my introduction, now uh, are there any questions?
Stan's hand is up.
Mr. Mackey
Yes, Stan?
Stan
Why do dogs have cold noses?
Mr. Mackey
Uhhh, well, I'm not sure.
Stan
Oh.
Mr. Mackey
Now-uh, let's focus our discussion first on marijawana.
Writes "marijuana" on the board.
Mr. Mackey
Marijawana's bad, and it also has a very distinct smell, okay? I'm gonna pass around just a little tiny bit. Now, I want you all to take a smell,
Pip takes the Petri dish with the marijuana leaf in it and just looks at it. The others look at him.
Mr. Mackey
...so you know when someone is smoking marijawana near you. M'kay, just take a smell, pass it on,
Pip sniffs at it, then passes it back to Bill.
Mr. Mackey
...and when it gets back up to me,
Bill sniffs at it.
Mr. Mackey
...we'll finish talking about it. In the meantime, I want to get into alcohol a little, okay? Uh, alcohol is bad. Uh, if you drink alcohol you...
Kyle
Hey, are you guys gonna come to Ike's party this weekend?
Stan
Your little brother's having a party? Why, is it his birthday?
Kyle
No, it's his bris.
Cartman
What the hell is a "bris"?
Kyle
I don't know. But there's gonna be lots of food, and a band.
Cartman
Oh, kick ass! I wanna have a bris!
Mr. Mackey
...and so uh, that's why alcohol is bad. Uh, ha-has that marijawana made it back up here yet?
No answer from the class.
Mr. Mackey
No? O-okay. Let's talk about LSD.
Mr. Mackey writes "LSD" on the board.
Mr. Mackey
Uh, children, LSD i-is bad. It's a drug made famous by John Lennon and Paul McCartney...
Stan
Hey, are we supposed to get your little brother presents for a bris?
Kyle
Uhhh... I'm not sure.
Stan
Well, dude, you better find out!
Mr. Mackey
Boys, are you paying attention?
Stan
Sorry, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?
Mr. Mackey
Okay. Now, children, has that marijawana made it around yet?
No response.
Mr. Mackey
Uhh, who-who has the marijawana now?
Stan blinks.
Mr. Mackey
Ummm okay, whoe-whoever has the marijawana, just pass it up to the front row, m'kay?
Not a thing.
Mr. Mackey
Uh-oh.
Principal Victoria's office.
Principal Victoria
I am very disappointed in you, young man. You should be ashamed of yourself. What could have possessed you to be so stupid? [Thumps the desk.]
Mr. Mackey
I'm sorry, Prinshipal Victoria.
Principal Victoria
We-hell, "sorry" isn't going to cut the cheese this time, mister! I'm afraid I'm going to have to suspend you from school.
Mr. Mackey
You mean I'm fired?
Principal Victoria
Well, I guess that's the grown-up way to put it, yes.
Mr. Mackey
But-but it was an honest error of judgment, m'kay? I-I really thought it was important for the kids to know the smell of marijawana--
Principal Victoria
It was an error of judgment, Mr. Mackey, but I'm afraid I have to let you go for it. We searched each one of those kids, but came up empty.
Mr. Mackey
But--
Principal Victoria
We had to let them go home, and one of them now has half a lid of Jamaican grass because of you!
Mr. Mackey
Huh, how am I going to make ends meet...m-[Sniff.]m'kay? Wha-what will I do for money??
Principal Victoria
There, there, now. Maybe this will all blow over someday and we can give you a job as a janitor cleaning up vomit with that pink sawdust stuff.
Mr. Mackey
[Sobbing.] No-uho-uho-uho! [Sniff.] Not o-uho-uhokay!
Bus stop. The kids leave the bus and Mrs. Crabtree peels away screaming.
Stan
Man! That sucked, getting searched.
They walk off together.
Cartman
Yeah, my ass is killing me.
Kyle
Why did they search us? That marijawana never even made it to us.
Cartman
I wonder who took it.
Mr. Garrison's house. He's looking drowsy watching Teletubbies'
Announcer
And now it's almost time for BoBo's.
The Teletubbies move around whirring all the while. Garrison laughs softly.
The boys are walking home when Chef drives up to them.
Chef
Hello there, children.
Boys
Hey, Chef.
Kyle
How's it going?
Chef
Bad.
Kyle
Why bad?
Chef
Children, I heard about what happened at school today. Now, none of you took that nasty marijuana, did you?
Stan
No, dude, we never even saw it!
Chef
Okay. Because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad!
Stan
We know, we know, that's what everybody says.
Chef
Right. But do you know why they're bad?
Kyle
Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind with consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits.
Chef
And do you have any idea what that means?
Kyle
No.
Cartman
I know. Drugs are bad because if you do drugs, you're a hippie, and hippies suck.
Chef
Look, children. This is all I'm goin' to say about drugs: stay away from them. There's a time and place for everything, and it's called college. Do you understand?
Boys
Dude!
Chef
Okay. [Starts to move.]
Kyle
Hey, are you going to come to Ike's bris this weekend?
Chef
[Stops.] Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!
Stan
What do ya mean?
Chef
Don't you boys know what a bris is? They're going to circumcise him.
Cartman
Wo-what's that?
Chef
Oh boy. Here we go again.
The boys wait.
Chef
Children... Uhh... What's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
Stan
Ahhh, bicycles?
Cartman
Ham?
Kyle
No, not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman
Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?
Chef
No, no, no, children, I'm talkin' about the most important part of a man's body.
Kyle
Your heart?
Stan
Your eyes?
Chef slaps his hand to his forehead in disbelief.
Kenny
(Ooh, the penis!)
Chef
That's right.
Cartman
Hey! My mom says you're not supposed to call it a penis, Kenny! You're supposed to call it a fireman.
Chef
A "fireman"?
Cartman
That's the proper way to say it, or else you get a spanking.
Chef
Dammit, children! Why do I always have to be the one to explain all this stuff to you?
Chef starts up his car. The radio comes on.
Chef
Ask your parents for once!
Kyle
Hey, wait!
Chef drives away.
Stan
Dude, something tells me this bris thing isn't good.
Mr. Mackey is walking the streets of South Park, quite depressed. A car pulls up and the driver honks twice. Mr. Mackey looks to see who it is.
Female passenger
Hey, Mackey, you got any more pot? My four-year-old needs a fix! Yehahahahaha!
They drive off. A small truck pulls up.
Driver 1
[Looks like Bill.] Hey, Mackey! Now we see what you and Homer Simpson have in common, d'oh-pe! [Peels away.] Ha ha ha ha!
Mr. Mackey resumes his sorrowful walk. A blue car pulls up.
Driver 2
Heeey, Mackey!
Driver 3
Hey, Mackey! Why did the drug user cross the road?
Driver 3's Passenger
Who do you think you are, you stupid drug-taking hippie?! You damn hippies are all alike!
Driver 4
Won't you leave the guy alone?
Traffic is building up. Horns blow.
Driver 5
Hey, hippie, are you gonna do some drugs?
Mr. Mackey
Uuuuuugh!
Quickly drops into a bar and takes a seat.
Bartender
Hey, I don't think I've seen you around here before.
Mr. Mackey
Naw, I just-- I had to get away, m-m'kay? I just lost my job.
Bartender
Oh that's weak, man. You know what you need? You need a good, stiff drink.
Mr. Mackey
Oh-uh-uh, I don't drink, m'kay?
Bartender
Trust me, man! It'll make you feel better.
Places the mug before him.
Mr. Mackey
Ughuh... [To himself.] Drinkin's bad.
Devil
[Poof.] Go ahead. Drink the beer. It'll calm you down.
Angel
[Poof.] Yeah, why the hell not? It's just a beer. Don't be such a pussy, m'kay?
Mackey takes the beer and drinks most of it.
Poof. The angel and devil are gone.
Bartender
So how do you feel?
Mr. Mackey
[Burp] Woah, about the same.
Bartender
Oh, you just need something a little stronger.
Serves up some Scotch whiskey.
The boys minus Stan are at the curb working on an ice sculpture of South Park.
Stan
[Rushing up.] Kyle! You have to stop them!
Kyle
Stop who?
Stan
Dude! I found out what a bris is! I found out what they're gonna do to Ike!
Kyle
What?
Stan
They're gonna chop off his wee wee!
Kyle's jaw drops. For a moment he's dumbstruck.
Kyle
Chop off his wee wee?! Are you sure?!
Stan
Yeah, dude! It's a Jewish tradition! It's called a circumstision!
Cartman
Dude! That is not cool! Choppin' off wee wees is not cool!
Kyle
That can't be true! My parents wouldn't do that!
Stan
Dude, I asked five different people. They said all Jewish boys have circumstisions, an-and they make it into a party called a bris.
Cartman
Dude, yuh-eh-you just don't...chop off somebody's fireman!
Kyle
I won't believe it! I won't! I have to ask my mom and dad!
He leaves for home. The others follow.
Mr. Mackey is walking down the street, drunk, singing Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield"
Mr Mackey

We are young, m'kay?
Heartache to heartache we stand, m'kay?
No promises, no demands, m-m'kay..?

Mr. Mackey approaches front door of his house; he places his key into the lock but fails to fit.
Mr. Mackey
Whoa... Is this my house?
Landlord
[Smoking a cigar.] Your key ain't gonna work, Mackey! I changed the locks!
Mr. Mackey
Why, Mr. Freely?
Mr. Freely
I'm not rentin' to you anymore! I heard that you got fired from your job for selling drugs to children!
Mr. Mackey
No, no, no, m'kay? I-it wasn't like that.
Mr. Freely
Drugs are an illegal narcotic! And having never taken drugs, I can say that they have nothing to offer!
Mr. Mackey
But I've never taken drugs either.
Mr. Freely
I've never taken drugs, and look at me! I'm totally fine! Now get off my property before I lose control and kill you!
Mr. Freely takes out his cigar and throws it away.
Mr. Mackey
Huuhh?
Freeley throws a rock at Mackey, which strikes him on the left side of the head, and Mackey falls.
Mr. Mackey
Ow, m'kay?!
Mr. Freely
Drug user! Druuug user!
Mr. Mackey
[Struggles to get up.] Uh, uh--
Mr. Mackey tries to dodge the rocks Freeley is chucking at him.
Mr. Freely
Come back here, dammit!
Mr. Mackey
Whoa, wait!
Mr. Mackey ends up running away, meanwhile at Kyle's home. Decorations for the bris are going up.
Sheila
Just a little higher.
The boys arrive.
Kyle
Mom! Dad!
Sheila
Oh, hi, bubele. I'm glad you're here; you can help decorate for the party.
Gerald
Your mother's made gahekgafuga.
Cartman
What the hell is gahekgafuga?
Kyle
Mom, Dad, what exactly are this party for?
Sheila
To celebrate your little brother's [Ike claps.] passage into life.
Kyle
Meaning what?
Gerald
Meaning we're going to circumcise him. [Kyle gasps.]
Cartman
They are gonna cut off his fireman!
Sheila
It's Jewish tradition, bubbe.
Gerald
Normally, we do it right after the baby is born, but we had to do it later for Ike because he's a--
Kyle
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Kyle rushes into his room. The boys stare at Kyle's parents agape with their jaws dropped for a moment.
Gerald
Oh, now what's gotten into him? Stan, will you go talk to him?
Stan is stiff. In his vision, the parents become dæmons with Gerald holding shears.
Sheila, Gerald
Let us cut off you pee pee, Stan!
Stan, Cartman
AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!! Aaagg-that's the sickest friggin' thing-run, ruuun!
Kenny pulls his hood closed.
Kenny
(Run, dude!)
All three run into Kyle's room.
Sheila
Oy, what is the matter with them?
Kyle's bedroom.
Kyle
I can't believe my parents are cannibals!
Stan
What are you goin' to do, dude?
Kyle
I have to save my little brother! I have to send him away until my parents come to their senses!
He jumps out the window.
Kyle
Come on, Ike!
Ike jumps off and into Kyle's arms.
Kyle
Cover me for a while. I'll find a place to hide him and come back.
Cartman
No way, dude! We're not staying alone in your house with your wee-wee-choppin' parents!
Kyle
Just give me 30 minutes. Come on, Ike!
Cartman and Stan look at each other, scared.
A dark alley. Mr. Mackey is sleeping under some pages from a newspaper.
Mr. Mackey
Hoh! I can't sleep; it's too cold, m'kay?
Hobo
Hey, you want somethin' to warm you up?
Mr. Mackey
[Startled.] Oh, I didn't know this dark alley was taken.
Hobo
[Holds out a joint.] Here, try this; it'll warm you up.
Mr. Mackey
Marijuwana's bad.
Hobo
What?
Mr. Mackey
Ma-marijuwana makes you feel depressed and low, m'kay?
Hobo
And you don't fell that way now?
Mr. Mackey
Oh, good point.
Mr. Mackey takes the joint and inhales it deeply, then holds his breath a bit, then relaxes.
Mr. Mackey
No, I don't feel any d-oooohh...
Psychedelic music plays in the background.
Mr. Mackey
Oh, baby, get down, m'kay?
Hobo
Uh-huh.
The alley brightens up and takes on neon hues.
Mr. Mackey
Man, this alley is cool! It's so alive and beautiful! [He drops the joint.]
Hobo
Ohh, boy.
Meanwhile, at the South Park Train Station.
Kyle
Come on, Ike, hurry up! [Ike babbles.] Where is the next train going?
Clerk
Lincoln, Nebraska; train leaves in five minutes.
Kyle
You wanna go to Nebraska, Ike?
Ike
No!
Kyle
I need one ticket for my little brother.
Clerk
That's a little brother? I thought it was a trash can or something. What's wrong with his head?
Kyle
Huh?
Clerk
I'm sorry, but we just can't throw Caucasian babies on an outbound train.
Kyle
But my parents are gonna cut off his ding-dong!
Clerk
What?! Why the hell would they do that?
Kyle
They've just gone crazy for a while. Please, mister, I have to hide my brother until they come to their senses.
Clerk
No can do, sonny.
Kyle
Dammit!
Kyle walks away with Ike to the train and spots an open door from a freight car. The departing bells sound.
Kyle
Ike, if you wanna keep your penis, you have to get on this train.
The train whistle blow and starts to pull away.
Kyle
Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike
Don't kick the--
Kyle kick him into the car.
Kyle
Goodbye, Ike! Be safe! I'll come find you in Nebraska when Mom and Dad are back to normal!
Ike
Bye-bye.
Some woods near the town, daytime. Mr. Mackey is dazed and confused. A Seinfeld-esque riff plays.
Mr. Mackey
Oh, man, where am I?
Teen 1
Hey, wow, it's that counselor from elementary school, Mr. Mackey.
Teen 2
Wow, dude.
Mr. Mackey
Uh, hi, boys, how are you today?
Teen 1
Pretty good, man. How are you?
Mr. Mackey
Oh, I've been better. I've been kicked out of town for doing drugs.
Teen 1
Hey! Us, too!
Teen 2
Yeah, remember? You caught us smoking weed in the bathroom and got us suspended.
Mr. Mackey
Oh. O Fortune, how you mock me?
Teen 1
Oh, cheer up, bro; all you need is some clear liquid to get your head straight.
Mr. Mackey
Uh-uh, boys, LSD is bad. Hmmm...
He opens the bottle and lets a drop go into his mouth. The boys watch. Mackey's voice becomes distorted.
Mr. Mackey
Man, who put all this cotton in my mouth?
Psychedelic music begins to play as his head inflates.
Mr. Mackey
Yeah, baby... The world is so small.
His head pops off his body and floats away.
Mr. Mackey
I'm free... I'm free...
Teen 2
Sweet dude, totally killer.
Teen 1
That guy's totally trippin'.
Mr. Mackey's head floats on, smiling.
Bus Stop. Kyle has met the boys there and is working on a doll.
Kyle
There, what do you think?
Cartman
What the hell is that supposed to be?
Kyle
I'm making a dummy Ike doll. My parents think he's out with me right now, and I have to bring him back for dinner.
Stan
Dude, I think you mom's gonna notice that isn't Ike.
Kyle
Not when if I say he's sick and put him to bed right away.
Sylvester runs up, having smelled the doll's contents.
Kyle
No, go away! Bad dog!
Stan
Dude, what did you make that doll out of?
Kyle
I used a bunch of bones from the butcher shop.
Cartman
Is that why it stinks so bad?
Mackey's head flies past.
Mr. Mackey
Hi, boys.
Boys
Hi, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey
Are you boys stayin' out of trouble?
Boys
Yes.
Mr. Mackey
Okay, I-I'm just gonna go over here for a while.
Mr. Mackey's head floats away.
Kyle
Anyways, I need you guys to help me so that my parents don't realize Ike is gone.
Sylvester returns, growling as he sniffs the doll.
Kyle
Knock it off, asshole!
Cartman
No way! I'm never going back to your parents' house!
Stan
Come on, dude. If it were your little brother, we'd help you.
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny leave.
Cartman
Eech.
Starts to walk, but then stops.
Cartman
Wait a minute! No, you wouldn't!
Train Station. The train comes to a stop. A door opens, and Ike is booted out.
Ike
Oh.
Ike lands on his head, then flips upright.
Ike
Oooh.
A couple stops by.
Woman
Oh, would you look at that, honey? Somebody dropped off a perfectly good trash can. [The couple leaves.]
Ike
Yeah. No more walbolching!
Ike skips away into the corn fields nearby.
Kyle's house. The boys return from the bus stop.
Sheila
Bubbe, where have you been? Dinner's been ready for five minutes.
Kyle
Sorry, Mom. I just had to deal with Ike. He-he's been cranky.
Kyle rustles the doll a bit.
Sheila
How is my little jellybean?
Kyle
[Doing Ike.] Bye-bye seeme mama. [As himself.] Ah, I'm gonna take him up to the bathroom to get washed up.
Sylvester has found the house, and is seen looking from behind two pine trees.
Sheila
Okay, but first let Mommy give you a kiss.
The boys flinch.
Kyle
No, Mom-uh, he, he doesn't want you kissing him.
Sheila withdraws as Sylvester leaps in and eats the doll from Kyle's hands.
Sheila
Aaaaargh! Omigod, make him stop!
Gerald
AAAGGGHH!!!
Kyle
Put him down, you stupid dog!
Sheila
My baby! Oh, God, the horror!
Sylvester is chewing the doll's head to pieces.
Gerald
Get out of here, you mutt! Let him go!
He moves to chase Sylvester away. Sylvester bites into the doll and runs off with it. The boys can only stand with jaws dropped.
Sheila
[Frantically.] Ooooohhhhhhooh-ho! Oooh, my baby! Bubbeleh mine!
All of them gather at the front porch. Sylvester is munching away on the doll in the middle of the street.
Shiela
Waagghh!!
A truck driver is sleepily driving down the road, but he does see Sylvester.
Shiela
My baby!!
Driver
Huuh?
Steps on the brakes, but hits the dog.
Gerald, Sheila
Aaaggghhh! Aaagh aaagghh!
The gas tank behind the cab cracks open like an egg, then explodes, killing the driver and Sylvester.
Sheila
[Tearful.] Oh, he's dead, he's dead! My little bubbeleh's dead!
Gerald
There, there, Shei-hla. There's nothing we can do.
Stan and Cartman look at Kyle, who puts his hands behind his back. Cartman's mad at him.
Cemetery. Ike's casket is being lowered into the plot. Present at the funeral are the Marshes and the Broflovskis, Jimbo, Ned, Barbrady, a piper, and the priest, with a kippah on his head and a scarf on his shoulders.
Father Maxi
"Yea, usher us unto the Lord", sayeth some Jewish guy once. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
He throws some ashes into the grave. As the piper plays Hava Nagila, everyone covers their ears. They go their separate ways.
Kyle
Hey, wait a minute. How come Ike's tombstone has the Canadian flag on it?
Headstone reads: "Ike Moisha Broflovski 1996-1998, Born a Canadian, died an American".
Sheila
Well, bubbe, there's something you have to know. Ike wasn't really your brother, he was adopted.
Kyle
What??
Gerald
He was not really a Broflovski, he was Canadian. But we loved him all the same. [He starts to sob]
Kyle
You mean to tell me that all this time I've been trying to protect Ike from having his fireman cut off, and he's not even my real brother?!
Sheila
What are you talking about?
Kyle
Dude, Ike isn't dead. He's in Nebraska!
The boys turn right and walk away.
Sheila
What-what-whaaat?!
Stan
Dude, you shouldn't have told them that. Now they're gonna find him and cut off his penis!
Cartman
Fireman!
Kyle
Ooh, who the hell cares? He's not even my responsibility.
Kenny falls into an open grave.
Kenny
(Hey!)
The spiked tombstone falls in.
Kenny
(Hey, you guys! I'm dy--)
The tombstone hits its mark. The grave is deep. Stan hears the impact and turns.
Stan
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle
[Flatly] You bastards!
Kyle keeps walking. The crowds reconvenes, this time for Kenny's funeral.
Father Maxi
[Removes kippah and scarf.] "Yea, let us ponder the Lord's mercy. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
The piper plays Hava Nagila again.
Somewhere in South Park, after the funeral. Jimbo and Ned pass Mackey on the sidewalk. Mackey's eyes are bloodshot. Jimbo and Mackey bump shoulders.
Jimbo
Get outta the way, you damn hippie!
Mr. Mackey
[Annoyed] I don't need to take you right-wing authoritative bullshit!
Jimbo
What?
Mr. Mackey
Aw, you're just like the government, man! Trying to prosecute outta one side of your mouth, m'kay, while supporting guns outta the other, m'kay?
Jimbo
Aw, why don't you go to a Grateful Dead concert? [He and Ned leave]
Mr. Mackey
I can't, man. Jerry Bear's dead, m'kay?
Blonde
He-e-ey, man, I overheard what you said; that was coool!
Mr. Mackey
What? Oh, thanks, man.
Blonde
Would you like to come over to my place and finger-paint?
Mr. Mackey
[Getting mellow.] Sure, man. Finger-paintin's cool, m'kay?
They walk off together. Lincoln, Nebraska, train station. The Broflovskis get off the train, Kyle first.
Sheila
Now, where did you leave him, young man?
Kyle
Aw, how the hell should I know?
Sheila
Gerald! Do something about your smart-ass son!
Gerald
Uhhh... Mind your... mother, smart-ass.
Sheila
If we don't find him, so help me, you're gonna be grounded for a month!
Gerald peeks into a trashcan.
Shiela
Ike, love?
Kyle
[Grousing.] All the time: "Look out for your little brother, Kyle!", "Take care of your little brother, Kyle", and he wasn't even really my little brother.
Gerald
Kyle, just because Ike is adopted doesn't make him any less your brother.
Kyle
Yeah, right.
Sheila puts down a bench she was looking under as a clerk approaches.
Sheila
Excuse me, we're looking for a two-year-old Canadian boy.
Clerk
Two-year-old Canadian boy, two-year-old Canadian boy... Oh, I think they might have one of those down at Haps Bar.
Sheila
[Gasps.] Come on!
Haps Bar. The Broflovskis enter and scan the room, Ike is being used as a base at one table. The camera pans back to him. Sheila rushes over to him and throws the table top off to get him.
Sheila
Ike!
Ike
Mamatoedoe.
Barkeep
Hey, lady, that's my table post! You can't have that!
Mr. Mackey and the blonde are in bed admiring the finger-painting they have done all over the room, including the ceiling.
Mackey
Wow, man. You know, it's like… You go through life thinking that you're an individual, m'kay? And then you realize that you're more than that, m'kay. We're all just one big individual, m'kay?
Blonde
Let's get married and have a honeymoon in India.
Mackey
[Gives it some thought.] M'kay.
Mr. Mackey removes his tie and his head deflates to a normal state.
Kyle's house.
Gerald
Now you march to your room, and you think about what you've done!
Sheila
But first, apologize to your brother!
Kyle
[Pointing at Ike.] He's not my brother!
Gerald
Apologize to him!
Kyle
[Angrily.] I'm sorry, Ike.
Kyle turns around and walks off.
Ike
Uh oh, stufid.
Kyle goes into his room and closes the door. Ike is saddened.
Somewhere in India, Mackey and the blonde are hiking. Elephants bathe in the river below them.
Blonde
Wooow, this is sooo beautiful!
Mackey
[A dove alights on his right arm.] I am one with the animals. And the trees.
Blonde
And I am one with you. [They reach for each other.]
Mr. Mackey

At long last I have found
A true reason to be
Now I feel I can start anew--

Mr. T flies onto him and pins him. Hannibal and Face come and pick him up, then all three rough him up.
Mr. Mackey
Woo, whoa! Ow! Hey!
They carry him away.
Mr. Mackey
Uh oh hel-m. Hey!
Blonde
[Subdued.] Whoa...
Mackey
[As Mr. T tosses him into the A-Team van.] Yeah I got, m'kay?
Inside the van. Jimbo is driving, with Ned sitting next to him. Mr. Mackey sits between Mr, T and Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Mackey
Uh-- What the hell is going on?!
Jimbo
Tough love, Mr. Mackey. We're taking you to rehab.
Mr. Mackey
I don't want to go to rehab! I haven't even done drugs in weeks!
Principal Victoria
We were wrong for shunning you, Mr. Mackey, and we apologize. We should have realized that you needed help.
Mr. Garrison
Yeah, and now we're gonna make sure you get the help you need.
Mr. Mackey
I don't want help!
Principal Victoria
You'll thank us later.
They drive off into the distance. Meanwhile at Kyle's House, the big day is here. Guests are arriving.
Sheila
Hello, Tom. Hello, Patty. Thanks for coming to Ike's bris.
Ike
Uh oh.
Sheila
Look Ike, It's Uncle Murray!
Uncle Murray
Hello, Ike! Say, where's little Kyle?
Sheila
He's been sent to his room for being a bastard. He's decided that Ike isn't his brother, since he's adopted.
Uncle Murray moves off.
Guest
Hi there!
Sheila
Hello. Do I know you?
Guest
Uh-no, but I never miss a bris. Here, I brought some dip. [Gives it to her.]
Sheila
Ohhh, thanks.
Kyle's room. The boys are gathered there.
Cartman
Well, I guess the chopping is about to commence.
Ike enters the room with a photo album.
Ike
Oh deh family nrr.
Kyle
What do you want?!
Ike
I wumuh trecompr. Com. Tebruhnerr.
He opens the album, which reveals pictures of Kyle and Ike. Tender music plays. Kyle looks. The first one has Kyle holding Ike, while the second one has Ike riding on Kyle's elephant.
Kyle
Ohhh, no you don't. That isn't gonna work on me, Canadian!
Stan
Maybe you're being too hard on him, dude.
Kyle
No way! There's no real connection between us. It was all a big lie.
Ike pulls the album down a bit.
Ike
Cookie Monster, [flips some pages] two, three, four, five.
The third one: Kyle and Ike tossing a football. The fourth one: a family portrait. The fifth one: Kyle, with Ike in his walker. The sixth one: Kyle giving Ike a bath.
Kyle
Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through getting in trouble for you!
Ike
[Now sporting one of Kyle's caps.] Baraterndr nfard fy. [Kyle looks. Pause.]
Betty Ford Clinic. Inside...
Social Worker
You have to admit you have a problem before anyone can help you.
Mr. Mackey
But I don't think I really have a problem.
Social Worker
Nonsense! You did drugs! I suppose you forgot all about your family.
Mr. Mackey
I don't really have a family.
Social Worker
And you lost your job.
Mr. Mackey
No, I lost my job before that.
Social Worker
Mr. Mackey, you're supposed to be an adult.
Nearby, the two teens are on a sofa watching the Teletubbies.
Social Worker
The problem with drugs is that people forget to stop doing them. There's a time and a place for everything, Mr. Mackey, and it's called college! Now, I want you to repeat after me: Drugs are bad.
Mr. Mackey
Drugs are baad.
Social Worker
Drugs are bad.
Mr. Mackey
Uhh... Dru-drugs are baad.
More guests arrive for Ike's bris. Ding-dong.
Sheila
Hello, Dr. Schwartz! Thank you so much for coming all this way to perform Ike's bris.
Dr. Schwartz
Oh, my pleasure, Sheila. I brought the normal cutting device, but then I remembered that Ike was Canadian, so I brought the right one.
The incisive hole is maple leaf-shaped.
Where is the little rug rat?
Dialog
Sheila
Right over here.
She takes him over to Ike.
Dr. Schwartz
Come 'ere, you.
Ike
Oowwww!
Ike skips away into Kyle's room.
Ike
Oh deh faminrr.
Ike hops over to Kyle. They look at each other as the doctor calls.
Dr. Schwartz
Ike? Ike?
Ike jumps up and hugs Kyle.
Ike
Heh cohcoh mondefern menurr.
Ike hugs him tighter, and Kyle is moved.
Dr. Schwartz
There you are. Come on Ike, it's time.
Kyle recovers and gets angry.
Kyle
You stay away from my little brother!
Dr. Schwartz
[Stammers.] Bu-bu-but, son, I just--
Kyle
You aren't gonna cut off his wee wee. Not today, you sick-ass weirdo!
Sheila
[Now in the room.] Kyle, what are you talking about?
Kyle
And you! You should be ashamed of yourself! Don't you understand that us males are defined by our firemen?!
Cartman
[A bit solemnly.] Yes. The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye. [Stan draws a blank.]
Dr. Schwartz
Kyle... a-a circumcision is a very common thing for Ike to have. His father had it, his grandfather had it, and...
Dr. Schwartz points at Kyle.
Dr. Schwartsz
...his brother had it.
Cartman and Stan gape.
Kyle
No! No, it isn't true!
Dr. Schwartz
We're not going to cut it off! We're just goin' to snip it, so it looks bigger.
Stan and Cartman wonder.
Dialog
Stan
Oh, hey, that doesn't sound like a bad idea!
Cartman
Heyeah, I want to get a circumstision, too. [Kyle looks up.]
Betty Ford Clinic. Mr. Mackey and the social worker exit the main building.
Social Worker
Congratulations, Mr. Mackey. You are fully recovered.
Mr. Mackey
I can't thank you enough for everything, m'kay? I feel like my old self again.
Social Worker
Just one more thing.
She sets his tie in place, and his head inflates to its original state.
Social Worker
Remember that you can stay sober.
Mr. Mackey
I will, Ms. Social Worker. I will. [They embrace one last time.] M'kay?
Kyle's house. Everyone is gathered for the bris.
Kyle
It's okay, Ike. I'm here.
Dr. Schwartz
And-a one and-a two and-a... bris. [Snip.]
Ike
Ouch. Amuhbuhbuhbuh.
The boys faint. The adults clap. He skips over to Kyle.
Ike
Cookie Monster.
Kyle
[Gets up.] Ike, you're okay. [Cartman and Stan get up.]
Stan
Whoa, dude, I guess having a bris isn't all that bad.
Kyle
Yeah. You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.
Stan
Yeah.
Kyle
And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. [Tugs on Ike and moves away.] Except for Cartman.
Stan
[Follows.] Naturally.
Cartman
Eah, screw you guys! I don't wanna be in your penis-choppin' family anyway!
Monday morning, Mr. Garrison's class.
Mr. Garrison
And so now, children, your school counselor is back, to tell you firsthand about his nasty experience with drugs and alcohol.
Mr. Garrison makes way for Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey
Okay, kids? Uh, you shouldn't do drugs, m'kay? Drugs are bad. You see, I was at the bottom of the barrel. I was a wreck; why, I didn't even care about money. I was-I was wasting my life...
Mr. Garrison slowly shakes his head.
Cartman
Hey, you guys wanna come to my bris tomorrow?
Stan
You can't have your bris tomorrow, Cartman, that's when I'm having mine.
Cartman
No way, I set up mine first, hippie!
Mr. Mackey
Now boys, you need to listen up, m'kay? Wha-what I'm talkin' about might save your life someday, m'kay?
Stan
[Mimicking.] Okay, Mr. Mackey, okay?
Mr. Mackey
M'kay.
Kyle
M'kay?
Mr. Mackey
M'kay.
Cartman
Okay?
Mr. Mackey
Okay.
The camera slowly pulls away.
Mr. Mackey
Now, as I was sayin, uh... drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. Eh, uh if you do them, you're bad. Because drugs are bad, m'kay? It's a bad thing to do drugs. So-uh so don't be bad, by doing drugs, unkay? That'd be bad, 'cause drugs are bad. M'kay?
End of Ike's Wee Wee


  204: "Ike's Wee Wee" edit
Story Elements

Ike BroflovskiDr. SchwartzMr. Mackey • "Hava Nagila"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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