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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Narrator
  • Michael (Clerk)
  • Pete Nickals
  • Pregnant Woman
  • Mr. Hankey
  • Ziplining Staff Member
  • Various Horseback Riding Staff
  • Various Ziplining Students

Script

I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining
The opening shots this week parody those of "I Shouldn't Be Alive", with dramatic zooms and pans. Then a shot of Stan running in zipline gear
Stan
Kyle! [his voice echoes as he looks around frantically]
The opening shots again
Narrator
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [A shot of Kyle going down the zip line]
Kyle
AAAAAAAH! I can't take it! [a shot of Cartman moving down the zip line helplessly]
Cartman
Somebody help us! [motion blur back to opening shots]
Narrator
Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with no way out. [a shot each of Kyle, Kenny, and Stan screaming, then of a bloodied Stan on the zip line, then of Cartman, then of Kyle] The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Kyle
[being interviewed] We were stuck. We were completely stuck. [cut to Cartman running]
Cartman
Kyle, hurry! [a shot of Stan with Kyle]
Stan
Kyle, wake up! You've gotta wake up, Kyle! [a shot each of Kyle, Kenny, Stan, and Cartman screaming, then of the four boys on a wooden platform at the top of a zip line, then of Cartman, then of a trip through the esophagus, then of Cartman, and back to the first shot]
Narrator
For four elementary school boys. an ordinary day becomes a descent into madness on tonight's episode of "I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining".
Cartman
[inside a van, in a window seat] Oh God!
Stan
[running towards the camera] No!
"The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies"
Stan
Help! We're trapped! [A shot of all four boys bloodied and woozy] We've gotta get out of here!
"This is a true story."
A bright sun rises over the town of South Park
Narrator
It's the last day of Spring break, [a shot of the school] and all over the small mountain town of South Park, [back at the park, kids play on the basketball court or go down a slide, or fly kites.] students are trying to have as much fun as possible. [a girl shows off her dog to two friends, a boy aims his water gun at another boy and runs after him, two other boys toss a football between them. The camera stops at a table with four boys. Tow of them sit at the bench, two others stand. Kenny plays with a twig] For ten year old Stan Marsh and his friends Kyle, Eric, and Kenny, the last day has come too soon.
Stan
[being interviewed] We really had spent the whole spring break watching TV and playing Xbox, you know, so, we, we wanted to go out and do something really adventurous.
Kyle
We could go to the city pool. They have a water slide
Cartman
Noo nono, I'm not getting in a pool with Kenny. He has herpes.
Kenny
[offended] (What?!)
Cartman
Look at his lip. [to Kenny] You've got herpes, dude.
Kenny
[throws the twig away] (This is not herpes, it's a cold sore!)
Cartman
No- cold sore is what girls call it, Kenny. It's actually herpes.
Stan
Come on guys, the day is wasting away. What would be something really cool we could do?
Kyle
[being interviewed] And then like, out of nowhere, somebody came up with the idea of ziplining.
Cartman
Hey yeah, ziplining! That could be really cool!
Kyle
We've definitely not done that before!
Stan
I think there's a place just outside of town. I'll see if my uncle Jimbo will drop us off.
Kyle
Cool! Ziplining.
Cartman
Ziplining. Hell yeah.
Narrator
Within thirty minutes, the boys are getting a ride to the ziplining outfitters from Stan's uncle Jimbo. [a shot of the boys chattering in the back]
Cartman
[being interviewed] We were in a good mood, just jokin' around, you know, mostly making fun of Kenny's herpes.
Cartman
Hey Kenny! You got herpes, dude! Ah I almost touched him. [leans over to see how close his finger can reach without touching] Zi- [Kenny puts his right mitten over his mouth and Cartman pulls his left hand back playfully] Oh, sick Kenny! No! Gross.
Kenny
(Dude, it's just a fever blister!)
Cartman
Heh, did you hear that guys? Kenny said it's just a fever blister. [laughs] You sound like a chick, Kenny. That's herpes, dude. You got that shit till you die.
Narrator
It's the idyllic spring break getaway with friends and laughter. [a shot of the boys cheering as they approach Backcountry Adventures]
Inside Backcountry Adventures, day
Clerk
Hey, you guys here for the 2 o'clock zipline tour?
Stan
Yeah.
Clerk
All right, let me get you some helmet and some gear and we'll get up there and hit that fresh nar nar.
Kyle
[being interviewed] And so they put us in these harnesses and helmets. I th-I think that's when we started realizing, "Oh wow, this is actually pretty dangerous."
Clerk
[he's got the boys dressed up] All right, you guys look ready to zipline!
Cartman
Alright!
Clerk
Okay, just follow me over to the waiting room and we'll have you take a seat with the others.
Stan
[being interviewed] And we were like, "Other? We have to do this with other people?" [a shot of the boys entering the waiting room, where there are seven other people waiting]
Woman 1
Hi there.
Man 1
Hello.
Woman 2
Hi
Narrator
The boys have just made a sobering discovery. [a shot of Stan's internal organs and spine] For ten year old Stan Marsh, the realization that he will be with a tour group has caused his adrenal glands to slow down. [this is shown] The average human acts a certain way when surrounded by friends and family. [Stan's brain and skull are shown] But, in a tour group, the brain has to work overtime, acting nice and pretending to care about people on the tour.
Woman 2
[quite pregnant] Hey, how are you?
Stan
[mimicking] Good. How are you?
Kyle
[being interviewed] So then we sit there for like, thirty minutes, because we had to wait for this couple who was running late. [the couple arrives]
Clerk
Alright, our last zipliners are here. [Kyle and Cartman are visibly angry]
Man 2
Sorry we made you wait, everybody. [A shot of Kyle's mouth interior is shown]
Narrator
Inside Kyle's mouth, the muscles contract to force a smile, even though in his brain, Kyle is thinking, "Dude, fuck you!"
Kyle
We don't mind.
Cartman
[being interviewed] Now everyone was there. We thought things would start getting fun, but... that's when we had to watch the safety video. [the benches are rearranged so the zipliners can watch a TV screen above them]
Clerk
Welcome to Backcountry Adventures! Well hey there Michael!
Michael
[who's just the clerk, naturally] Hey there Michael. [Everyone behind the boys laughs.]
Stan
[being interviewed] It was... I don't know, ten, maybe fifteen minutes of pure hell. [return to the tour]
Michael
Oh, and don't forget... to take in the nar. Back to you, Michael.
Michael
Thanks Michael. [turns off the TV] Anybody have any questions?
Cartman
...No.
Man 2
I have a question: Can we review the best ways to hold a rope again? [the boys are stunned that this needs to be done]
Stan
[being interviewed] "Really? You're gonna make us all listen to it again 'cause you couldn't understand? Really?"
Michael
Let's get out there and get zippin'! [everyone rises and heads out of the waiting room]
Kyle
Jesus Christ!
Cartman
Finally!
Narrator
The boys think their ordeal is over, but what they don't realize is that things are about to go from bad to worse.
Outside Backcountry Adventures
Michael
Here we go guys! Zipliniiin'! [goes into an open-leg stance, makes a fist with his left hand, holding out the thumb and pinkie]
Guide 1
[a woman, waiting by a van that has been out earlier in the day] Everyone just step on in the shuttle. [opens the van's sliding door. The zipliners head for it]
Stan
...Shuttle?
Kyle
How, how long do we have to take the shuttle?
Michael
It's about forty-five minutes.
Narrator
It's a devastating blow. For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear. [a look at Kyle's brain] His brain is already lacking excitement, and now just the word "shuttle" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons [this is shown] that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be. [two images of overloaded shuttle buses appear, then footage of the Space Shuttle Challenger going up and exploding, and Kyle is scared]
Cartman
Well, come on, we don't have a choice. [leads the others to the shuttle van.]
The shuttle ride, later. It sure is bumpy.
Michael
Alright guys, should be about forty five minutes to the freshest nar nar. Why don't we go around the van and get to know each other a little bit?
Stan
Uh that's okay.
Man 3
Well my name's Pete Nichols and this is my wife Donna, and uh... make a long story short, we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab. They uhhh been livin' there about twenty years now, and uh, long story short, they told us that as long as we were in the Rockies we should try ziplining, so, long story short, we looked around in the newspapers and on the Internet and... on billboooards, and... you know, make a long story short, we found this company and thought we'd give 'er a try, so then we called and, we made a reservation, and that's when, you know, long story short, we just thought- [Cartman begins to mutter angrily]
Narrator
[hour 2] It's almost three o'clock, and the boys are still on the shuttle.
Michael
We're gettin' close. Are you guys gettin' psyched?!
Adults
Wooo!
Narrator
But what the boys don't realize is that a massie storm is brewing. [Cartman is drinking some Mountain Dew from a can. The camera looks around the van] Last night, Eric Cartman had kung pao spaghetti from California Pizza Kitchen. [the camera goes down Eric's esophagus] Inside Eric's stomach, the kung pao has just met with the Del Taco he ate for breakfast. It has already started to tear down the layers of barbeque BK toppers that have been building up for months. [the camera comes back up the esophagus and out Cartman's mouth] And now, to compensate for all the annoying tourists, Eric is ingesting massive amounts of Mountain Dew. [the camera goes back down Cartman's throat] The caffeine and sugar turn the soupy fast-food liquid in his stomach into a toxic gas. [a quick journey through the intestines is shown] When the gas is released, it carries with it tiny particles of Eric's fecal matter. [the sphincter is shown] Fecal matter which floats up and into Kyle's nasal passage. [this is shown, along with Kyle's reaction]
Kyle
Dude, did you fart?!
Cartman
Mmmm, no?
Michael
Alright buys, we're here! [The van pulls up to the first entrace to Zipline Adventures. Both Stan and Kenny look sleepy]
Stan
Thank God. [everyone is out of the van as Guide 1 goes up to the launch pad two stories up. The pad is attached to a pine tree]
Michael
Alright, here we are. Looks like we got some good nar to zipline through today. Uh, but before we climb up and start ziplining, does anyone care to know about these trees' biology?
Cartman
The trees' biology?
Michael
We are running a little late, but if anyone really wants to know, we could take a few minutes.
Stan
I think we're good.
Man 2
[raises his left hand] I'd like to know about the biology of the trees.
Michael
Okay, well, this is a Ponderosa pine. It covers a more extensive area than other Ameri-
Stan
[being interviewed] So after Asshole gets his biology lesson, we finally get to go ziplining! [Cartman is hooked up]
Michael
Alright, remember to keep your clear of the cable and just let your equipment do the work. [a shot of the tour group] Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline, the camera's gonna take your picture, so when I call out "Shockabra!", look up and give the camera a nice "shockabra" [two fists with thumbs and pinkies extended]. Alright, you ready?
Cartman
Yeah. [Michael shortens the strap between Cartman and the zipline, and holds him up]
Michael
Ready to do some ZIPPIN'?
Cartman
Yeah.
Michael
Alright, let's hear you say "Zipliiine!"
Cartman
Zipliiine. [Michael sends him on his way]
Michael
[voice-over] Shockabra! [Cartman holds out his fists as indicated above and the camera takes his picture]
Guide 1
Woohoo! Alright, nice zip!
Kyle
Well? How was it, Cartman?
Cartman
Totally fuckin' stupid, dude!
Stan
[as Kyle is prepped] Oh, really??
Cartman
Yeah dude, it's fuckin' boring as shit!
Michael
Alright Kyle, give me a "Zipliiine!"
Kyle
Zipline. [Michael sends him on his way]
Michael
Shockabra! [does the fists. Kyle does the fists too and the camera takes his picture, but he's mad]
Kyle
[being interviewed] It was like having the life sucked out of you. That' all it is, sliding down a cable. Maybe without a tour group it'd be ...kind of fun. Maybe. But, this was just... a complete disaster.
Narrator
After a grueling twenty minutes, waiting for everyone else to ride the zipline, the boys relaize they have just wasted hours of their time. And that, is when the unthinkable happens.
Michael
Alright guys, let's get movin'! Only ten minutes till our next zipliiine! [the others cheer, but the boys are worried.]
Cartman
[being interviewed] "The next zipline? What are you talking about?"
Kyle
E-excuse me, w-we aren't going back now? Aren't we done?
Michael
This is Zipline Tours. We got sixteen more to go.
Stan
[being interviewed] And it was like WHAM. [makes a fist with his right hand and punches his left handn with it.]
Kyle
STOP!
Cartman
NOOOO!
Guide
Everyone back in the shuttle!
Kyle, Cartman
NOOOO! [the adults and a fifth kid get back into the van]
Narrator
The boys realize that their ziplining nightmare has only just begun. [the boys scream and some scens of the next ziplines flash by: Michael sends someone down the zipline, he plays guitar during a break "led me through that"]
Guide
Anyone have any questions about the creek we're about to cross?
Man 2
Yes.
Boys
AAAA! [shots of Kyle, Kenny, and Stan]
Adults
"Ack" went the little frog one day. "Ack" went the little green frog...
Cartman
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [opening shots return]
Michael
Let 'er rip! [sends Man 2 on his way]
Man 4
Zipliiine!
Narrator
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
Michael
Next zipline's up here, we call it the Terminator.
Kyle
Wugh!
Narrator
Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with a tour group.
Pete
But, you know, to make a long story short, I woke up this morning and- [Woman 1 is shown going down, then man 1, then]
Man 2
[with his wife] Could you get another picture of us? [hands Kyle the camera]
Kyle
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [a shot of the whole group is shown]
Narrator
The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Cartman
[on his way down a zipline.] I'm so fucking bored! [Hour 3 arrives. Michael sends the next zipliner on down. The others cheer her on]
Michael
Alright, you going next, Ricky? [hooks Ricky up and sends him down]
The Boys
[on the ground] Help! Somebody! Help us! [the adults on the launch pad cheer the next zipliner down]
Kyle
It's no use. There's nobody around for miles.
Stan
There could be a helicopter. Maybe one will fly overhead.
Kyle
[grabs Stan's arms] Face it Stan! Nobody's coming for us! [another zipliner goes down]
Zipliner
Zipline!
Adults
Woohoo!
Cartman
We should have never listened to you, Kyle.
Kyle
Me?!
Cartman
Yeah you! In the park this morning?! "I know, let's all go ziplining! We've never done that before!"
Kyle
Oh no, don't try to pin this on me! You're the one who brought it up!
Cartman
I brought it up because you already brought it up!
Stan
[being interviewed] That's when I realized nobody remembered. Nobody remembered it was me who came up with the idea to go ziplining. Me.
Kyle
You fat piece of shit!
Cartman
Fuck you Kyle!
Stan
Guys, guys, does it really matter whose idea it was?!
Cartman, Kyle
Yes!
Stan
Alright, look, we can make it, you guys. We can't panic. If the four of us don't zipline the tour will move faster. We are gonna make it out of here, okay?
Narrator
But what the boys don't realize is that Eric's body is already shutting down from stage 4 diarrhea. [the camera goes down Cartman's throat.] Inside his stomach, bile has just dislodged an Arby's Ultimate Angus. In the average human, this would only cause mild diarrhea. [the camera goes back up his throat and out his mouth] But Eric Cartman is now drinking Double Dew, a Mountain Dew product with twice the sugar and caffeine of regular Mountain Dew. [the camera goes back in] His rancid feces is now rapidly converting to a thick paste. [a quick trip through Cartman's intestines, as before] The diarrhea shoots out of Eric's anus and into his underwear. [this is shown, and the smell wafts up into Kyle's nose] Eric Cartman is a ticking time bomb.
Kyle
DUDE! Did you just shit your pants?!
Cartman
Nnnn-mo...
Stan
[being interviewed] So, I just tried to keep the tour group moving, as fast as possible.
Michael
All right guys, this is where we're going to break for lunch.
Guide
[standing in a covered lunch area] Come in by the waterfall, gang! [it's a small waterfall]
Stan
Oh no, could, could we skip lunch and keep going?
Man 2
Skip a free lunch? Not me! [runs to the lunch area. The other zipliners follow]
Guide
Wo wants sandwiches? [pulls out sealed sandwiches from a portable ice box] We got ...turkey. [Man 2 takes that one] Ham. [another zipliner takes that one] Turkey ham. [another zipliner takes that one...]
Pete
[in the background] Long story short, we picked up our bags and went to our hotel. [in the foreground the boys are sitting on their own log with the word HELP on the ground before them made with twigs and branches]
Cartman
Oogh! Ugh! You guys, seriously! Something's wrong in my tummy! [keeps sipping the Double Dew]
Kyle
The stop drinking Double Dew, fatass!
Cartman
This is Diet Double Dew Kyle! It only has half the caffeine and sugar of Double Dew. [at the bottom of the can is a blurb saying "DEW THE MATH!"] Oh man, you guys, I gotta get to a bathroom fast.
Kyle
You're in a forest! Go take a crap!
Cartman
If I crap in the woods, the blood will attract beavers, Kyle!
Stan
[runs up to the tour guides] Hey ah, I'm so sorry, but we have an emergency. Our friend is really really sick.
Michael
Oh, you mean the little kid with the herpes?
Stan
...Yyyeah.
Guide
That's not herpes, it's a cold sore.
Michael
Right, sorry.
Stan
Yeah, his, his cold sore is really bad, and uhh he's losing blood, so we've gotta go.
Michael
Jesus, sorry dude, but we're at the summit. The only way down is to zip down.
Some adults
Zipline! Wooo!
Guide
What about the stables?
Michael
Oh yeah, the stables. There's, there's a ranch right past that hill that rents out horses. I, I bet they can get you back.
Kyle
[being interviewed] Suddenly, Stan says he knows about some horse stables. Ih it seemed too good to be true.
Rancher
Now let me get this straight: You want four horses, one for each of ya?
Stan
Yea, please!
Rancher
Well I think we can set ya up.
Kyle
Oh, thank God!
Stan
You see guys? This is gonna be sweet after all.
Rancher
Step right out here, we'll get you going. [leads the boys out to a horseback riding tour] Got four more for you, Duncan. [All the riders wave and say hello, and a few take pictures]
Cartman
NOOO! [opening shots return]
Narrator
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
Kyle
AAAAH! [the boys are now shown on horseback in this order: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny]
Cartman
[still aching] Eeeeugh.
Narrator
Trapped in a tour group on horsback that is only allowed to travel four miles an hour. [the camera tries some dramatic moves]
Kyle
Can we please go faster?!
Kenny
(I can't take it!)
Duncan
We got some lunch set up for ya up ahead. Some turkey sandwiches and Diet Double Dew.
Kyle
AAAAAAAAAAH!
Cartman
Uh oh. [lets out a wet fart]
Rider 1
[to Kyle] So anyway, long story short, I was born in 1953 at six in the morning.
Narrator
An attempt to make a bad day better becomes a descent into madness on... "I Should Have Never Thought Horseback Riding Would Be Any Better Than Ziplining"
The lunch site, moments later.
Duncan
This here waterfall is called Heartbreak Falls. Would you all like to know why it's called Heartbreak Falls?
Rider 2
Well I certainly would! [Other riders do too. Nearby, Kyle has collapsed]
Stan
Kyle. Kyle? Kyle, come on, wake up!
Kyle
Just go. Go without me.
Stan
No, we're not leaving you here, Kyle!
Kyle
I can't take it anymore. [his voice gets weaker] Why do people say "long story short"? They're not making it short, Stan.
Stan
[being interviewed] I just sat there, watching Kyle die and... I wanted to tell him the truth right then and there. But then this... fire rose up inside of me, I... I thought "I can find us a way out!" I ran off and went searching for, I don't know how long. Twelve minutes? And that's when I found it.
Stan
[returns from his search quite excited] You guys, you guys! Get up! Listen to me! There's a lake a hundred yards down that way! They've got a marina with boats just sitting there!
Cartman
A marina?
Stan
We can take a boat, you guys! We can probably take it all the way back to Fairplay!
Kyle
What's the point?
Stan
Come on you guys! A boat all to ourselves? It'll be fun! What could possibly go wrong?! [an announcer says the following lines]
"The following program contains graphic re-enactments that may be disturbing to some audience members." The marina. This is the live-action segment of the episode
Narrator
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [shots of the boys screaming on various parts of the boat] Trapped on a 42-foot powerboat [named Puffin] which is only allowed to go five miles an hour. [some footage is dropped to speed up the boat in time-lapse form]
Kyle
Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea!
Cartman
Well it's not my diarrhea's fault that you took us all ziplining, you fuckin' Jew!
Kyle
Ziplining was your idea, you fatass!
Narrator
The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Cartman
Kenny, whose idea was it to go ziplining? Mine, or Kyle's?
Kenny
[slurring his speech] I don't know. I really don't give a shit.
Narrator
For four elementary school boys, an alrady tragic day becomes a descent into madness on... "I Should Have Never Got On A Goddamn Boat" [more shots of the boys on the Puffin]
Kyle
Oh no. [Cartman lowers a 20-oz. bottle of Mountain Dew] You're not stinking up the entire boat! You're taking a crap off the side into the water!
"The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies." Cartman is shitting over the side of the boat, Stan screams, Kyle and Kenny vomit over other sides, Cartman continues to shit
Kenny
Beavers! [a beaver is swimming in the water]
"This is a true story."
The boys are resting on a bench on the boat now
Narrator
After cleaning Cartman's diarrhea and fighting off beavers, the boys have made a terrifying discovery: that boating is just as boring as ziplining.
Stan
[being interviewed] The boat went really slow and it just went round and round.
Cartman
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Narrator
If the boys fall asleep now, from the lack of excitement, they could die. [Stan looks ready to sleep. Cartman takes a swig of Mountain Dew]
Kyle
Here! [takes Cartman's bottle] Everyone drink some Mountain Dew!
Kyle
[being interviewed] I don't know, I-I just thought if we all drank the Mountain Dew, the caffeine and the sugar would help us stay awake. I told Cartman he has to share it.
Cartman
I'm not sharing with Kenny. He has herpes!
Kenny
Hey. [tugs on Cartman, who turns to look at him] Fuck you, Cartman.
The Puffin, some time later
Narrator
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [individual shots of the boys. They all have oral herpes now] And just when it seems it can't get any worse... [the boys are nodding off again]
Stan
...Kenny? Kenny! [Kenny has slid down on the seat, but his eyes are open]
Narrator
Kenny McCormick has died of boredom.
Kyle
Oh my God, they killed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS!
Cartman
No, not they, YOU! Look what your ziplining idea has done! You killed Kenny, YOU're the bastard!
Kyle
IT WASN'T MY IDEA, IT WAS YOURS! YOU KILLED KENNY, YOU BASTARD!
Stan
[being interviewed] And finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I said "Stop it!"
Stan
[rises and walks a bit] Stop it! It was me! My idea.
Cartman
You?!
Stan
Four days ago, I came across a brochure for ziplining. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out the brochure for Backcountry Adventures, then looks at it for a few seconds] I thought it would be fun. I only acted like it was an idea we all came up with together. [Kyle and Cartman look at each other]
Kyle
So you intended for us to go ziplining all along? Why, Stan?!
Stan
[turns to face them] If you signed up three friends, you got a free iPod Nano. [the camera pans down and sure enough, the offer is on the brochure cover: Sign up 3 friends and get an iPod NANO!!!]
Kyle
You sold us out?! For an iPod Nano?!
Stan
I had no idea ziplining would be so boring.
Cartman
[points at Stan] You... You killed Kenny! [Stan begins to weep]
Kyle
You BAStard! You BAStard, Stan! [a shot of Kenny, then a shot of the three surviving boys crying. Kyle cries on Cartman's shoulder and Cartman comforts him]
Kyle
[being interviewed] How many iPod Nanos is friendship worth? I guess, one.
Stan
[being interviewed, crying] The hardest part about it is knowing you can't take it back. [wipes away the flowing tears] I mean, it was the fifth-generation Nano, so I can't trade it in anywhere.
Narrator
But then, miraculously, the boys' prayers are finally answered. [the boys look around, startled]
Cartman
[being interviewed] It was a miracle. He came to save us and take us back home.
Cartman
You came for us!
Kyle
Mr. Hankey!
Stan
Thank you. [whispers] Mr. Hankey. [Mr. Hankey has landed on the boat, at the top of an armrest]
Mr. Hankey
[without the falsetto voice] Howdy ho, boys? Let's get you back home. [the boys are overjoyed at their good fortune]
Cartman
[being interviewed] We were saved. It was over.
Narrator
After nearly four hours in the Colorado wilderness, the boys are finally going home. From the boat, the boys were airlifted aboard Mr. Hankey's magical helicrapter. [shown, the images are back to the cartoon form] In the four hours since they had left home, the boys had traveled so far that Mr. Hankey then had to fly them on his Seven Turdy Seven. [a jet plane made of poo] From there, it was only an hour ride back home on the Poochoo Express. [The ziplining Shockabra pictures are shown] Four friends, turn apart by tragedy [Kenny's image vanishes, leaving the forest background in place], would now start the long journey back to forgiveness. Kenny McCormick's remains were finally brought home to his parents. [Mr. Hankey delivers them personally. The parents are distraught] And the boys received treatment for their herpes. [two paramedics treat Stan and Cartman as Mr. Hankey looks on from above. Stan and Cartman focus on Mr. Hankey.]
Cartman
[being interviewed] No, I didn't get herpes, I just had a cold sore.
Narrator
[shots of the scenes being described are shown] Kyle Broflovski spent twenty seven days in the hospital having fecal matter removed from his nasal passages. Stan Marsh dedicated himself to raising awareness about the boredom risks of ziplining. [a lecture tour. Stan is shown on stage with a "No on Ziplining" logo] His awareness videos became so popular that Stan once again ended up jacking it in San Diego. As for Eric Cartman, [shown as a mountaineer] he refused to let the tragedy stop him from doing what he loves most. In just two weeks, he was back to drinking Diet Double Dew, defiant to dew the math.
Cartman
[being interviewed] It's diet, dude. Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea. [takes a long sip]
End of I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining
  1606: "I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining" edit
Story Elements

MichaelBackcountry Adventures • "Little Green Frog" • Michael ZazarinoBrandon HardestyEli BildnerJosh BerenEric Meyers

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Sixteenth Season