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HUMANCENTiPAD/Script

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< HUMANCENTiPAD


Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Craig Tucker
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Replacement Friend
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Liane Cartman
  • The Geniuses, including Frothgar and Leslie
  • Announcers
  • Field Reporter
  • Best Buy President
  • Crowd
  • Dr. Phil
  • Audience
  • Steve Jobs
  • Apple Men, Tech, Staffers
  • Doctor
  • Guard
  • Junichi Takiyama
  • Woman
  • Reporter 1
  • Rescuer 1
  • Townsmen

Script

[South Park Elementary School Playground, day. The kids are out for recess. Bill and another boy are tossing a ball at each other. Scott Malkinson and Red are chatting nearby. On the merry-go-round the four main boys as well as Clyde and Butters are gathered, each of them holding an iPad]
Cartman: Oh my God, isn't it awesome having an iPad, you guys? [Bebe walks by, and Cartman jumps up to approach her] Hey Bebe, where's your iPad? Oh right, you're not cool enough! [laughs at her, and she walks off disgusted. Token walks by] Hey, hey, did you see my iPad, Token? Funny, you don't seem to have one! I thought your family was rich! [Token walks on, but is puzzled by Cartman's behavior. Cartman sees four kids playing four-square and jeers at them] Haha! You dumbasses have to play four-square 'cause you don't have iPads! [checks his iPad and starts pacing] Oh, what should I do on my iPad next? Think I'll email some of my friends. Oh no, wait! Maybe I'll download some more cool apps! [smiles. Craig comes up behind him] This is so awesome! [Craig taps him on the shoulder and Cartman turns around]
Craig: Tom Saltzman says you don't really have an iPad.
Cartman: [stares at him for a second] What?
Craig: Tom Saltzman says you just glued a piece of glass to an iPad cover and you're faking it. [Cartman looks at him, then looks around to see if anyone is within earshot]
Cartman: Tom Saltzman's dad is an alcoholic who drinks and drives! [looks around again]
Stan: Let me see your iPad, Cartman.
Cartman: Seriously you guys! Tom Saltzman's dad is a drunk driver. He's the one who ran over Joey Potts's dog because Joey Potts doesn't know how to take care of his animals, which is why he gets beat by his mom! [Craig looks off into the distance, surprised]
Kyle: Just let us see your iPad, Cartman.
Cartman: No, because the battery is dead; it just ran out of power!
Kyle: So, plug it in.
Cartman: I left my charger at home! [the boys are still waiting] Fine! I'm gonna go home and charge my iPad and bring it tomorrow, and you guys are gonna feel really stupid! [walks away angrily]
[Cartman's house, after school. Cartman enters, still pissed off, and closes the door behind him]
Cartman: Well good going, Mom! You completely screwed me over!
Liane: [reading a real book on the sofa, with her legs tucked under] What happened, Eric?
Cartman: YOU said I had to wait till my birthday to get an iPad! So the one I rubbed in everyone's faces today isn't real and tomorrow everyone's gonna call me a liar. Would you mind loaning me some of your lipstick, Mom? Because I wanna at least look pretty the next time you decide to fuck me!
[A Sizzler restaurant. Kyle is demonstrating his iPad to a man]
Kyle: You see? And then I can take all my homework on my iPad, and swipe it over to my iPhone.
Man: Oh. Yeah, Apple's stuff is pretty neat alright. I just don't want any big company tracking where I am at all times. [walks off with his tray]
Kyle: Aw, that's just a rumor. They don't really track y- [the doors fly open and three men rush in]
Apple Man 1: There he is! [The men approach him] Hello Kyle, we're from Apple. We're all ready for you now. [a second man pulls out a scale and sets it on the floor]
Kyle: What? Ready for what?
Apple Man 1: To fulfill the agreement. Can we get a weight please? [the third man lifts Kyle up and puts him on the scale]
Apple Man 2: 83 pounds, sir.
Kyle: What "agreement"?!
Apple Man 1: 83 pounds, good. Let's get the bloodwork.
Kyle: Hey! You can't do that! [the second man pulls out a tape measure to measure the circumference of Kyle's head, the third man prepares to take Kyle's blood]
Apple Man 1: You agreed we could take all the blood we needed.
Kyle: What are you talking about?!
Apple Man 1: When you downloaded the last iTunes update a window on your screen popped up and asked you if you agreed to our terms and conditions. You clicked "Agree." Alright, let's get him to the water tank.
Kyle: The water tank? [gets off the scale and away from the men] Hey I'm not going with you!
Apple Man 1: You've agreed to all of this! [Kyle runs out of the restaurant] Hey!
[Someone is listening to an iListenToMusic, a sound system dock for the iPhone. The camera pulls back to reveal Kenny, Butters, Stan, Clyde, and Jimmy playing basketball at the local park.]
Kyle: [off-camera] You guys! [runs onto the basketball court] You gotta help me. These business casual G-men are trying to kidnap me!
Stan: What?
Kyle: It's crazy, dude! They're saying it's because I agreed to the latest terms and conditions on iTunes!
Stan: Why? What did the terms and conditions for the last update say?
Kyle: I don't know, I didn't read them!
Butters: You didn't read them?
Kyle: Who the hell reads that entire thing every time it pops up?
Stan: [earnestly] I do.
Clyde: Me too.
Kyle: You're telling me that every time you guys download an update for iTunes, you read the entire terms and conditions?
Jimmy: Of course.
Butters: Well, how do you know if you agree to something if you don't read it?
Kyle: Well, I turned off all my Apple stuff. They can't locate you if you don't have your stuff on, right? [at that moment two limousines pull up and men begin pouring out of them]
Apple Man 1: There he is. Hey you!
Kyle: Gahhh! [runs away]
[Gerald's law firm, day. He is at his desk typing away on his keyboard. Kyle runs in and closes the door]
Kyle: Dad! Dad, I need a lawyer!
Gerald: Kyle? What are you doing here?
Kyle: Dad, if you agree to something but you didn't mean to agree to it, what do you do?!
Gerald: Well, Kyle, it's always the agreeing party's responsibility to know what they are signing.
Kyle: But it's like eight pages long and they send me a new one like every three weeks! How can they know if I-
Gerald: Calm down, Kyle! It's okay. You're safe with Daddy. [the office window slides up and one of the Apple G-Men looks in]
Apple Man 1: Here he is!
Kyle: AAHH!
Apple Man 1: Come on you!
Gerald: Hey, what the heck is going on?
Apple Man 1: Your son has made a binding and legal agreement with Apple, sir.
Gerald: An agreement to do what?!
Apple Man 1: Apple's inner workings are top secret to all users. You know how it is.
Gerald: No, I don't know how it is. I use a PC.
Apple Man 1: [chuckles] You what?
Apple Man 4: Come on, let's go!
Gerald: Hey now, let him go! [Apple Man 1 tasers him and he goes down in pain]
Kyle: Dad! You tasered my dad!
Apple Man 1: You said we could.
[Best Buy, day. Cartman runs in with glee as his mom lags behind]
Cartman: Okay, WiFi+3G, 64 gigs. This one, this one!
Liane: Oh, sweetie, $900?
Cartman: I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's stupid face when he sees my iPad has more memory than his!
Liane: Eric, we can't afford that one.
Cartman: Well you don't expect me to get the WiFi-only 16-gig version, do you?
Liane: I think we need to get you a different brand, hon. They're a little cheaper.
Cartman: Mom, everyone knows that everything but Apple is stupid!
Liane: [sees something interesting] Here, look at this one. A Toshiba Handibook.
Cartman: Toshiba Handibook??
Liane: This says it does everything the iPad does, at half the price.
Cartman: Mom, do not screw me over again! If I take that thing to school, everyone is gonna think I'm a poverty-stricken asshole!
Liane: Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat! You can either have the Toshiba Handibook or you can have nothing at all!
Cartman: [looks at her for a second] Oh, I've got a better idea! Why don't you go across the street and buy some condoms?! Because we should at least be safe if you're gonna fuck me, Mom!
Liane: Eric!
Cartman: You might as well go buy some cigarettes too, because I like to have a smoke after I get good and fucked! Do you wanna fuck me Mom?! [everyone is now staring at the two of them] Just say so! Go ahead! Here! [pulls down his pants to moon his mom, who puts her hands over her mouth] Huh?! Go ahead, Mom! Fuck me! Fuck me right here in the Best Buy! You wanna fuck your son so bad?! Go on Mom! Fuck me! Fuck me!
[Liane's car, night. Liane is driving and Cartman is crying]
Liane: Stop crying, Eric! I told you if you kept acting up, you weren't getting anything!
Cartman: But I told you I was sorry.
Liane: You made me look like some sort of child molester in front of all those people!
Cartman: I wasn't trying to get you in trouble.
Liane: Then why did you go outside to a police officer and say "Help! Help! My mommy is trying to fuck me!"?
Cartman: [looks around for something to come back with] Oh wait, I get it now! The F-word is a no-no word, and I shouldn't say it around other people. I'm sorry Momma.
Liane: If you're really sorry, then you'll understand why you aren't getting anything!
Cartman: Well, now that doesn't really have any logical sense, Mommy, because I'm already being punished by not getting the iPad. Mama. Please, can we just go back and get the Toshiba Handibook?
Liane: No!
Cartman: Well then can we at least pull up here and get some dinner? 'Cause I like to be wined and dined after I've been FUCKED! [bangs at the dashboard with his fists]
[A holding cell. The cell door opens and Kyle is tossed into it. Kyle quickly gets up and tries to open the door, futilely. He bangs at the door, then turns around to see who else is in there. A woman cowers in one corner, Junichi Takiyama sits in another]
Woman: What are you going to do to us??
Kyle: What is this? What's going on?
Woman: You... You agreed to the iTunes terms and conditions too??
Kyle: ...What?
Woman: I just clicked "Agree." I didn't read it! I was in a hurry, you see, and I, I, I didn't know what I was agreeing to!
Junichi: I can't even read Engrish!
Guard: [a small window slides open above Kyle and the guard looks in] Hey, shut up in there! You all agreed to stay quiet!
Kyle: Hey! Hey, let me out of here! This is a mistake! I agreed by accident!
Guard: You can't agree by accident. There's a fail-safe built in. Even if you click on "Agree" another little window pops up that says "Are you sure you agree?" and you have to click on "Agree" again.
Woman: Uh, what are you going to do to us??
Guard: Everything that you agreed to in the iTunes conditions.
Kyle: We didn't read them!
Guard: Heh! Riiight. Who just agrees to something they don't read? [slides the steel window closed]
[The Big Event for the new iPad. The lights go down on a barren stage with the Apple logo in the background. A podium with an Apple computer is nearby]
Announcer: And now, the president of Apple, Steve Jobs! [Jobs walks onstage as the audience applauds, waves, and stops on his mark]
Steve Jobs: Hello everyone, I'm here to announce a new product that will once again revolutionize the way we use our phones and tablet devices. Let's hear it for our volunteers! [Klieg lights focus on another part of the stage. The curtains there open and the volunteers are shown: Junichi, Kyle, and the woman, all in hospital beds. The platform they're on rolls forward as Jobs approaches it] These three people have agreed to be brought here, handcuffed to these beds, and become the prototype of our first truly-interfaced device.
Kyle: The first what?
Steve Jobs: [walks back to his starting position] They have actually agreed to be surgically altered. [a projection appears on a huge white board] Their lips will be removed and they will be sewn together mouth to anus.
Woman: What??
Steve Jobs: [looks at and tells the woman] You agreed to this! [back to the projection] Mouth to anus so that the feces so that the gastral tract from one will enter the mouth of the little boy - [looks over at Kyle] and he agreed this was okay - enter the mouth of the little boy, leading through his anus to the mouth of the female - who completely agreed; they all agreed - which will then go to a tablet device, making a product that is part human, and part centipede, and part Web browser, and part emailing device! I give you... the HumancentiPad!
Junichi: Oho... I should habu never appudeitedo iTunes!
[Kyle's bedroom. Butters is at the computer reading the monitor]
Butters: "You agree that Apple may charge your credit card or Paypal account for any products purchased in the iTunes store."
Gerald: Can somebody please explain to me what is going on?!
Stan: We're trying to find out exactly what Kyle agreed to.
Gerald: There can't be anything in that agreement that allows a company to do what they're talking about to Kyle!
Butters: Hold up. Here it is right here: "by clicking Agree, you are also acknowledging that Apple may sew your mouth to the butthole of another iTunes user"
Stan: Oh boy.
Butters: "Apple and its subsidiaries may also, if necessary, sew yet another person's mouth onto your butthole, making you a being that shares one gastral tract." Hmmm, I'm gonna click onnn... "Decline."
Gerald: Well that does it! I'm going to the police!
Stan: For what?
Gerald: To find out where Apple is keeping my son!
Stan: Dude, when the police wanna know where somebody is, they ask Apple! The only way we can fix all this is by going to the highest authority on the planet! Yo guys, we're gonna have to ask help from... the Geniuses.
Butters: The Geniuses...
Kenny: (The Geniuses...)
[Apple Headquarters, day. Steve Jobs looks over the new prototype, even getting on his knees to check out the underside of the thing]
Steve Jobs: Alright. Good. Looks good, guys. Great work. [the camera lowers enough to reveal the volunteers sewn in place whimpering]
Junichi: Nanda... Nanda kore?! ["What... what is this?!"]
Steve Jobs: Really nice, guys. [stands up] I remember when the first version of the iPad came out. People couldn't believe how easy it was to take their videos, music, and photos, and all their shit, [walks towards a massive LCD screen on which is a map of the world and the words "WHERE EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD IS RIGHT NOW" above it] and share it, with other people, who could do the same with all their shit. The only thing the iPad couldn't do was walk or read. Until now.
Kyle: [with his mouth sewn onto Junichi's ass and bandages bound around them to make sure it stays that way] (I need some help! I can't take it!)
Steve Jobs: [walks up to Kyle and leans down to hear him better] What, what what's that? What's that you're saying?
Kyle: (I can't take it! I want out right now!)
Steve Jobs: Yeah you want out? Are you saying you want out?
Kyle: (Yes! Please! Let me go!)
Steve Jobs: Fine. You don't want to be part of this? Then just sign right here. [whips out another contract. Kyle looks at the contract, then just signs it] Nooo! You didn't read it! This says we don't ever have to let you out and that we can do whatever we want! [walks up to his staff, frustrated] Dammit, why won't it read?!
Apple Tech: It's probably low on power. We should feed it.
Steve Jobs: [carries a bag to the head of the centipede, Junichi] Alright. Here you go, come on.
Junichi: Nooo! [enunciating slowly] I will not eat if they are forced to iito my poo!
Steve Jobs: Perhaps I didn't mention... [pulls out something from the bag] it's a bean and cheese burrito from Paco's.
Junichi: [gasps] Sori, Kairu. I tried to resist but burrito isu too dericious! [takes it and wolfs it down. Jobs goes back to his staff]
Steve Jobs: We have to unveil this thing tomorrow. It better be reading by then!
Junichi: Oh, oh no... feel sick...
Kyle: (You're fine!)
Junichi: Oooho, oooh! [poops into Kyle's mouth violently]
Kyle: (Yaaaaah!) [poops into the woman's mouth violently]
Woman: (Aaaaaah!)
[Dr. Phil. Graphics move around]
Announcer: Today, on Dr. Phil. The tragic story of a little boy whose mother constantly tries to fuck him.
Dr. Phil: I want you all to meet Eric Cartman, who's a very special boy with a very hard life. Eric, you say that your mom fucks you?
Cartman: Yes! She fucks me so hard!
Dr. Phil: Does this happen often? Does she- does she fuck you a lot?
Cartman: Dude, Filipino hookers don't get fucked the way I do!
Audience: Ohhh...
Dr. Phil: Now, I know this is very difficult for you to talk about, but... where was the last time your mother fucked you?
Cartman: At Best Buy.
Audience: Ahhh...
Dr. Phil: Your mother fucked you at Best Buy?
Cartman: Uh huh.
Dr. Phil: And people saw her doing this?
Cartman: Yes!
Dr. Phil: And they didn't do anything?
Cartman: No!
Liane: [making her way to the stage] Eric, stop it!
Cartman: Oh there she is! There's my mom right now! [Dr. Phil crosses his arms]
Audience: Booooooo!
Cartman: Booooooo!
Liane: Eric, you come home, right now!
Audience: Booooooo!
Dr. Phil: Ma'am, why do you think it's okay to fuck your son?
Liane: I DON'T!
Cartman: She does! She does it all the time! She fucked me on Christmas, she fucked me on my birthday...
Audience: [shocked] Awwwwww!
Cartman: You know, Mom, the least you could do is kiss me first. 'Cause I liked to be kissed before I get fucked!
Man 1: You fuck your son and you won't even give him a kiss? Booooooo!
Man 2: [seated with his arm around a boy] If I was gonna fuck my son, I'd kiss him first! [kisses the boy on the forehead slowly]
Dr. Phil: Well Eric, we have a very special gift we wanna give you.
Cartman: [suddenly bright with hope] An iPad??? [dances in his chair]
[The Apple store, day. Stan, Gerald, Butters, and Kenny wait to speak to a Genius]
Announcer: Gerald Broflovski.
Stan: Okay, the Geniuses will see us now. [the group leaves their seats and head to the Genius bar, but Stan stops them midway] Now remember: when you speak to the Geniuses keep your questions short and to the point. The Geniuses do not like those who waste their time. [Stan leads the group forward]
[The Genius Bar. A fat Genius is at his station as the group arrives]
Leslie: Hi, my name is Leslie. I'll be your Genius.
Stan: Genius Leslie, we have a problem and we seek your wisdom.
Leslie: What problems are you experiencing?
Gerald: My son was kidnapped by Apple and they are holding him against his will!!
Leslie: Oh-kay, well I'm sorry you're having trouble with that today. Could I have his Apple ID?
Stan: 69ingchipmunks@me.com [Gerald is surprised]
Leslie: Okay. [types away on his laptop, pauses to read a reply, resumes typing...]
Gerald: [loses his cool] Well what the heck does this w-! [Stan shushes him]
Leslie: Oh okay. I see. Hmm. Hmm, I might need to bring another Genius in on this. [turns to his left] Frothgar?
Frothgar: [walks up] Uh huh?
Leslie: This guy's son was abducted by us? [Frothgar takes over and starts typing into the laptop] Should I run a stop-check or just give him store credit?
Gerald: No I don't want store credit, I want my son back!
Frothgar: 'Kay, this says he agreed to be taken and made part of any experiments Apple wants to perform.
Stan: Yeah, but it's all a mistake. He actually didn't read the agreement.
Frothgar: [scratches his head] He didn't read it?
Butters: We know. It's preposterous.
Frothgar: Hrrrrgh. [resumes typing]
Leslie: Sooo, just give them store credit?
[Apple Headquarters, night. The HumancentiPad is in a cage in the darkness. Junichi grabs the cage's bars]
Junichi: Aarrrgh. Dame kore! ["This can't be!" He then says something else, and then...] So sori Kairu, but I am starving! Which would you rather I eat? Should I iito cuttlefish and asparagus, or the vanilla peisuto?
Kyle: (Vanilla paste! Vanilla paste!)
Junichi: Cuttlefish and asparagus?
Kyle: (No! That's not what I said! Vanilla paste!)
Junichi: Very well I will iito the cuttlefish. [begins to gobble that down]
Kyle: (Nooo!) [a door flies open and a group of men rush in]
Rescuer 1: Go, go! Come on guys, come on! Go! [reaches the cage and genuflects next to it] Don't worry. We're here to help you. [cuts the lock open with some bolt cutters and opens the cage door]
Junichi: Oh! Oh, thank you! Thank you! [the rescuer shushes him]
Rescuer 1: Come on, hurry! We have an ambulance waiting outside.
[The ambulance. The rescuer is restless and the sirens are on, the lights are flashing...]
Rescuer 1: Just try to stay calm. We're gonna have to try and get you separated right away!
Junichi: Yes, please hurry! That cuttlefish and asparagus is noto sitting well.
[The hospital. The rescuers rush the HumancentiPad into the ER]
Rescuer 1: We got it! We got it! Doctor, can you take this thing apart?!
Doctor: If I'm going to perform surgery, I need permission. [shows Kyle a new agreement] Sign this release so we can operate.
Kyle: (Yes. Yes, hurry up.) [a buzzer sounds and the ER splits in two, revealing that it was all a setup to see if Kyle would finally read an agreement before signing it. The whole grouped just went around the headquarters and back in. Steve Jobs appears and walks up to the HumancentiPad]
Steve Jobs: No, dammit! It didn't read it! End of simulation, end of simulation! [the 'medical staff' splits up and walks off, while the doctor walks away from the corporation building] What is wrong with you people?! Why can't you get the HumancentiPad to read?!
Rescuer: We're sorry, sir. We really thought we'd get it to read this time.
Junichi: Oh no! Cuttlefish is about to come out ofu asshole!
Kyle: (Oh, shit!)
Junichi: Here it comes! Oh, it's going to be arot! Hold on, Kairu! I believe in youuuuuu!!! [craps into Kyle's mouth violently. A second later, Kyle craps into the woman's mouth violently. A second later the woman craps onto the iPad's back, and the iPad lights up with a soft bell sound]
[The Apple Store, day. Gerald, Stan, Butters, and Kenny are still waiting for more information from the Geniuses. Frothgar supervises Leslie as Leslie types on the laptop]
Frothgar: Yeap. A-and then you should be able to do a customer check, uh huh.
Leslie: Okay, that should do it. Sorry Apple kidnapped your friend, guys. But I believe we have it all cleared up.
Gerald: You do??
Leslie: Yeah, we got you a replacement friend. You should be all good to go.
Replacement Friend: Hi guys.
Stan: [looks at the boy] No, we don't want a replacement friend, we want our friend.
Frothgar: [sighs] We're gonna have to bring more Geniuses in on this.
Leslie: Yeah, I think we should have a quickening, with all the Geniuses.
Frothgar: I'll summon the council.
Leslie: Okay, if you guys just wait here a sec we're gonna have a quickening with the Council of Geniuses. See what we can do for you.
[A clearing in the store. Six Geniuses gather around and begin to communicate with light beams. Leslie opens her mouth and a beam of light goes to Frothgar, who opens his mouth and lets out two other beams, which enter the mouths of the two Geniuses on either side of him. Those two Geniuses open their mouths and two beams go from their mouths to the mouths of the two other Geniuses to their other sides. Those two Geniuses open their mouths and two beams go from their mouths back to Leslie's. All of them seem to be gargling. Gerald shields his eyes from the light. Soon the meeting ends and Leslie goes back to the bar]
Leslie: Do you know if your friend has a Verizon or AT&T mobile number associated with his dot-me account?
Stan: I think Verizon.
Leslie: Okay. [goes back to the council and the meeting resumes...]
[A live report from the Best Buy in town]
Field Reporter: Tom, it's a big exciting day for Mac Apple users: the unveiling of the first HumancentiPad. As part of a clear PR stunt, Apple has joined up with Best Buy and Dr. Phil to donate the first centiPad to a needy boy who was raped by his mother.
Dr. Phil: [Cartman stands next to him waving at the camera and blowing kisses] In all my years I've never heard a more tragic story than that of Eric Cartman, [Cartman begins to cheer for himself] and I wanna thank the Apple company for helping us make today a very special day for him.
Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaay!
Best Buy President: As as president of Best Buy, Eric, [Cartman puts his arms down to his sides] I want to assure you that a child will never get fucked in one of our stores again.
Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaay! [Cartman resumes cheering for himself, then goes back to blowing kisses at the crowd]
Steve Jobs: When Dr. Phil contacted us at Apple with Eric's story, we knew we had to get aboard. [Cartman lowers his arms] And so, Eric, here is your very own HumancentiPad. [The prototype crawls into view, unaltered]
Cartman: Whoa! Cooool! [struts over to it, then presses some icons on the iPhone on Junichi's forehead.] Oh wooow! No waaay! [walks to the iPad on the woman's ass and presses some icons there.] It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth?? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!!
Reporter 1: Yes but, can it read?
Steve Jobs: Don't worry. It took a while, but I'm pretty sure it has finally learned to read, hasn't it?! [glares at Kyle]
Kyle: (Yes. I promise I'll read.)
Crowd: Hooraaaaaaaaay!
[Gerald, Kenny, Stan, and Butters are still at the Genius bar, looking at the Geniuses play with musical bubbles. The Geniuses match the notes with their own vocalizations]
Gerald: What the hell are they doing now?!
Butters: The Geniuses are performing the Toran Ra. It's future stuff.
Gerald: Alright, that's it! I've had about enough with iCrap, and me clouds, and a council of Geniuses, with all their future-
Leslie: It's okay, sir. The Toran Ra has revealed the answer to your problem. We can retroactively make your son's agreement invalid.
Gerald: Okay! Finally! How do we do that?
Leslie: It's very easy. You will simply need to join Apple.
Gerald: Nooo! I don't wanna join Apple, I like my PC!
Leslie: But if you join we can make your son's account into a family account, and then you have to iApprove all his agreements.
Stan: Come on, it's not that big a deal. Will you just stop resisting and join the rest of us in the future?
Gerald: Ugh... Alright, fine! I'll sign up with Apple.
Leslie: [gives a thumbs-up] Kali fi!
[An isolated, open temple under a red sky. The Geniuses and Gerald are all wearing tin-foul hats, and the initiation begins]
Leslie: Gerald Broflovski, do you agree to let Apple track your location at all times?
Gerald: [sighs] I agree.
Leslie: Do you agree to give Apple access to all your personal information, including but not limited to your favorite movies, songs, and books?
Gerald: I agree.
Leslie: Do you agree to care about your membership, and prove that you care by purchasing AppleCare?
[Best Buy, day. Cartman is having fun testing out the HumancentiPad. Junichi craps into Kyle's mouth, and Kyle craps into the woman's mouth]
Cartman: Hehe heh, heh heh heh. Dude, HumancentiPad is awesome!
Staffer: [running up to Steve Jobs] Sir! Sir, we have a problem! [whispers into Jobs' ear] What? What do you mean we have to take it apart?! The boy's agreement isn't valid?
Staffer 2: Sorry, we have to recall this.
Cartman: What?! Hey, that's mine!
Steve Jobs: I don't care what the Geniuses say! Dammit, I'm trying to create the future here!
Gerald: We are all trying to create the future! [appears still wearing the getup he wore in the initiation] I'm part of the future now too. I have sat with the Council of Geniuses, performed the Toran Ra, and I've even been to me. Mr. Jobs, you have done so much for the world. You have helped connect everyone to each other. [stands next to the HumancentiPad] Clearly, this is the future. But... but can't we just slow down and enjoy the present... a little longer?
Steve Jobs: You know something? I agree.
Crowd: Awww. [The father and son from the Dr. Phil audience are there, and the father kisses the son on the top of his head again]
Steve Jobs: [stops by the HumancentiPad as it crawls offstage] Come on. We'll get you separated, little boy. [leans down and says] Guess you won't be eating Japanese food for a while, huh? [Kyle doesn't want to hear about it, so he squeezes his eyes shut and then gets an angry face. The crowd disperses]
Cartman: Hey! Hey, what is this?! Some sort of sick prank?! I get the greatest thing ever just to have it taken away?! Why did you do this to me, God? Next time you're gonna get my hopes up, could you please take me to a grease monkey? 'Cause I like to get lubed before I get FUCKED! Huh?! Some lube would be nice! Or at least a courtesy lick, God! How about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to FUCK me! [a bolt of lightning strikes Cartman and the power goes out]
[A hospital room, day. Liane is reading a book as she looks after Cartman, who's laid up in bed. his right leg in a sling. He's got burn marks all over his body, and he's crying. End of HumancentiPad.]

Reference

"Episode 1501 - HumancentiPad". spscriptorium.com (2011-05-01).


  1501: "HUMANCENTiPAD" edit
Story Elements

Apple Inc.Steve JobsiPadTerms & ConditionsJunichi Takiyama

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Fifteenth Season

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