FANDOM



Leftarrow "It's Christmas in Canada/Script" "Good Times with Weapons/Script" "Up the Down Steroid/Script" Rightarrow

Cast

  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Butters Stotch
  • Craig Tucker
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Token Black
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Jerome "Chef" McElroy
  • Linda Stotch
  • Herbert Garrison
  • Auction barker
  • Randy Marsh
  • Gerald Brofloski
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Roger
  • Skeeter
  • Announcer/Singer
  • Townspeople
  • Dr. Doctor
  • Nurse
  • Veterinarian
  • Assistant

Script

Good Times with Weapons
[Park County Fair, day. South Park is more spread out these days. Looking like a small city now. People mill around. The boys walk along a fairway. Cartman pulls out a small firecracker and tosses it on the ground before Kyle and cackles softly.
Kyle
[stops so he doesn't get hurt and glares] Stop it, Cartman!
Cartman
Pfaha, so funny. [pulls out another firecracker, tosses it before Kyle, and cackles]
Kyle
[stops] Goddammit Cartman, stop throwin' those stupid poppy-things at me! [Cartman cackles some more. The boys approach a booth: Roger's Edge]
Roger
Come on and take a look, folks. We've got a lot of knives for sale here. [Stan stops before a table, "Weapons of Asia," and marvels at the weapons displayed there.]
Stan
Oh my God, look! [the other boys turn and walk up] Martial arts weapons from the Far East. [the sign reads "Martial arts weapons of the Far East"]
Kyle
[softly] Wow, cool.
Stan
Dude! We should each buy a weapon, and then we'll be like ninjas.
Cartman
Yeah. We won't have to take crap from anybody.
Kyle
[turns away] Our parents won't let us have weapons, dude. [the others turn as well]
Cartman
Who's gonna tell them, dumbass?!
Stan
Yeah, dude, our parents are gonna be at the stupid fair all day long. They'll never know what we bought. [the boys turn back to face the table] I'll get the tonfas. [they look like the nightsticks police use, but made of wood] Those are so sweet.
Cartman
I'm gonna get those killer sai. [swords with horns at the hilt are in there. Cartman notices a weapon off to the right] Look Kenny! There's something even you can afford! A ninja shuriken [ninja star] for a dollar ninety nine.
Kenny
(Shuriken. Awesome!)
Roger
[approaches] Can I help you boys? [the boys step back from the table to see him.]
Stan
Yeah. We wanna get one of each of these ninja weapons.
Roger
Okay, uh, you need to have your parents here when you buy them, though. I, I can't sell to anyone under eighteen without parents' permission. [the boys look at each other]
Cartman
Parents? Parents?! [fakes a sob] Oh God! [starts sobbing loudly and turns away.]
Roger
Wha- wha- what's the matter? [Cartman continues sobbing]
Stan
We, we're brothers, see, and our parents... died in a car accident last year.
Cartman
Why?! [Stan cries, then covers his eyes. Cartman turns around, still sobbing] Why?! Why did you have to take them both?! Why?! [Kenny begins to sob] Why?! [Kyle observes his friends, then joins them in the sobbing]
Kyle
Why do people have to keep reminding us of what we don't have?!
Roger
[tries to soothe them] It's all right, it's all right boys. Don't cry, I'll... I'll just... go pack these up for you, okay? [takes a few weapons and leaves. The boys cry a bit more, then stop]
Stan
Goddamn, that's like the twelfth time that's worked.
Cartman's house, moments later. The boys are in his basement mastering their new weapons. Each boy gets the weapon he wanted. Kyle gets the yellow-ended nunchucks.
Stan
[with his tonfa] Kiya! Kiya!
Kyle
Kaii yo! [one end of his nunchaku hits his hat a few times]
Cartman
Giya! Shut up, hippies! I'll kill you! [lunges] Iya!
Stan
[sweeps one of his tonfa around and transforms] With my tonfa of Takanawa, I become the great and powerful ninja Shadowhachi, born to fight evil and people I don't like.
Kyle
Yeah. And my powerful nunchakus make me into Bunroku [he transforms], a deadly but compassionate ninja who protects those in trouble.
Stan
What's your ninja name, Kenny?
Kenny
[already transformed] (unintelligible)
Cartman
[already transformed] Yes. And I... am Bulrog. Tough brute ninja who has dedicated his life to eradicating the world of hippies.
Stan
All right, ninjas! Let's go protect the world!
Cartman
Kick ass! [the boys head out]
Outside, the neighborhood. The boys walk out onto a new, more-detailed landscape.
Cartman
Hey, you guys, you know what we should do? We should go show our weapons to Craig and those guys. They'll be so jealous.
Kenny
(Yeah, that'd be awesome!)
Kyle
[cautions] No dude, we can't go around showing our weapons to people. Our parents'll find out we have them.
Cartman
Ech! You see, guys? This is why Jews can't be ninjas! They've got no spine!
Kyle
[the background is a motion blur] You don't know anything about Jews, fatass!
Cartman
Oh yeah?! My mom took me to see Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel Gibson says you are sneaks and you are liars. And if the Road Warrior says it, it must be true.
Stan
Don't worry, Kyle. Craig's not gonna tell on us. Come, ninjas, let's go. [they walk off and approach Craig's house, which is done up in Japanese style. Stan stops and whispers] All right, this is it.
Cartman
Yes. The residence of the one called... Craig. [the boys approach quickly]
Kyle
I still say this is a bad idea.
Craig's house. Stan pounds on the door.
Stan
Ninja positions! [the boys get into their first positions and Craig opens the door] Hello, Craig!
Cartman
[shows off his sai] Look what we got.
Craig
Where'd you get those?
Stan
We can't tell you where we got 'em! It's secret ninja stuff.
Cartman
[moves past Stan] Ooo, is that jealousy I see in your eyes, Craig? Mmm, yes, drown me in the sweet water of your envy.
Craig
Uh-uh, they're not that cool.
Stan
Hyeah, "they're not that cool." These are real authentic weapons from the Far East.
Kyle
But don't tell anybody we have them.
Cartman
Ugh.
Token
[appears with Clyde, behind Craig] Whoa! Where'd you get those?!
Clyde
Let me see.
Stan
Uh, we'd love to hang out guys, but we have important secret work to do. [turns and walks away]
Cartman
Yes. The life of a ninja is complex and full of peril. [he and the other two turn and walk away as well] Come on, ninjas!
All
Ho! [they trot off. Craig closes the door]
On the road.
Cartman
Aw man, did you see the look on Craig's face?! That was awesome!
Stan
Dude, we're like the coolest kids in the whole state! [Butters shows up before them]
Butters
Hey fellas. What's happenin'?
Cartman
We're playing Ninjas, Butters.
Butters
Wowee! Hey, can I play, ninjas with you?
Cartman
No, Butters. We are a very select elite fighting team sent to protect the world from evil, and you can't play with us.
Stan
Yeah, Butters. You wouldn't make a very good ninja. Come on, guys. [the boys turn and walk off] We have a lot of work to do.
Cartman
Yes, and no time to do it. No time... [Butters stands in the open alone]
Butters
I think I'd make a really good ninja. [turns right and walks off towards home, rejected] Jeez, those guys never let me play with them. Uh, they just shun me all the time. [opens the front door and enters]
Stotch Residence. He walks past behind the couch, where his mom reads a book unaware of the emotion in his voice.
Butters
I'm a lost soul. A dark lonely shadow of a person-
Linda
Hi Butters.
Butters
Hi Mom. [walks upstairs] -a castaway, forced to live his life out in solitude. [enters his room and heads for the closet] And it's because of times like these I was forced to a life of evil. [enters the closet] Society cast me out, and so I vowed to make them all pay! And pay they did! Nobody knows that beneath this sweet eight-year-old little boy lies the most evil, the most destructive super-villain of all time! [one swoosh of his cape and he transforms] Professor Chaos! [he holds his hands some distance apart and a ball of energy appears. This electrifies his whole body] Let's see how you like dealing with me, ninjas! [cackles. Now transformed, he makes his way downstairs. The stairs crack under his weight. He smashes his left fist into the wall, leaving a small crater in it. His mom looks on from the couch]
Linda
Ooo, Butters, are you going out to play again?
Butters
[in a gravelly voice] Yeah Mom, I'm just goin' outside for a little while.
Linda
Well, could you be a sweetie and take that pie over there to the Thomsons. I made it to thank them for babysitting you last week.
Butters
Well, o- okay Mom. [sees the pie on the small end table by the foot of the stairs and carries it off] Bah! Gah! [in his mind, he's big and powerful. Every step he takes affects the house. The first dislodges the family portrait, the second dislodges it more, the third knocks it to the ground. He opens the front door, goes out and slams it shot, knocking it off its hinges]
On the road. The boys are shown in their anime forms.
Stan
Hm, this doesn't seem to be the right way. My ninja sense is telling me we might be heading in the wrong direction.
Kyle
Okay, hang on guys. I'll use my special power to see into the future and find out where we should head next.
Cartman
Hold on you guys. I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle. Let me try it.
Kyle
God dammit, Cartman! You can't keep making up new powers!
Stan
Yeah dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with!
Cartman
I am Bulrog and I have lots and lots of powers.
Kyle
No asshole! From now on you only get to have one power! So what is it?!
Cartman
I have the power to have all the powers I want.
Kyle
That doesn't count, fatass!
Stan
Yeah, that it, Cartman! You don't get to have any powers!
Cartman
[protests] C'mon!
Butters
Haaa ha ha ha ha! [he appears with energy bristling all around him] Well well well! If it isn't the four ninjas!
Kyle
Who the hell is that?
Stan
I dunno. Craig, is that you?
Butters
[strikes a ground pose] Fools! [jumps into the air and more energy surges from him. A fireball appears between his hands] I am Professor Chaos! Bringer of Destruction and Doom! [closeup] Your feeble ninja powers are no match for me!
Kyle
Whoa.
Cartman
Looks like we have a sworn enemy, you guys.
Kenny
(Yeah.)
Stan
[steps forth] Very well, Professor Chaos! We'll play along. Now, fell the fiery sting of my tonfa of Takanawa! [Stan strikes a battle pose and unleashes the energy from the tonfa tips. Butters shields himself with his cape, and the tonfa energy dissipates. Butters cackles] Hey kid, that knocks you down.
Butters
Nuh uh!
Stan
Yeah, huh, I got you!
Butters
Nuh uh! Because my cloak is made of a... titanium alloy that shields me from heat!
Cartman
That's bullcrap! Titanium alloy my ass!
Kyle
Well, let's see how he likes the icy blasts from my nunchucks of Sokuromoto! [whips them around a few times and unleashes an icy stream of energy towards Butters. The blasts knock Butters out of the air and he hits the ground with a thud.]
Butters
Huh nice attempt, ninja! But now both of you shall feel the power of my Web of Holding! [leaps up into the air and jumps back down, strikes the ground with his right fist, and the ground cracks towards the boys, ending with them being tossed into the air. The boys land on the ground again and look up at Butters] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You are both trapped in spiderwebs! [two spiderwebs drop down and trap Stan and Kyle]
Cartman
All right, dickhole! Time for you to pay! [Cartman attempts to unleash energy with his hands, but nothing happens.] Oh no! I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain!
Kyle
Okay, okay, you can have your powers back.
Cartman
All right! And now I will use my power to... [faces the other boys] turn Kyle into a chicken! Bleh! [in an instant Kyle becomes a chicken]
Kyle
God dammit Cartman!
Cartman
Ha, ha, ha, ha, haaa, ha! Now you are a chicken! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!
Butters
Enough! I grow weary of your foolishness. Professor Chaos cannot be stopped!
Stan
Oh yeah?! Kenny! Use your ninja star!
Kenny
(Yeah! Take this, Professor Chaos!) [shows off an eight-pointed shuriken] (Feel my wrath!) [unleashes the shuriken, and it strikes Butters in the eye. Butters' helmet flies off, revealing his puff-ball hair and the shuriken embedded in the bloody left eye. The music abruptly stops and the boys are shown in regular form. Butters looks at the boys and sobs loudly]
Cartman
Oh, shit, dude!
Stan
[he and Kyle rush over to Butters] Butters! Oh my God! [the boys gather around Butters] Oh, dude! It's stuck in his eye!
Kyle
What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!
Kenny
(I just threw my ninja star at him.)
Butters
It hurts! It hurts! [continues to sob]
Kyle
Oh man! We are in serious trouble!
Stan
[tries to soothe Butters] Shhh. It's okay, Butters. Calm down. It's not that bad, really.
Butters
[trying to catch his breath] But I... But I... But I can't see nothin'. I gotta go to the hospital! [Butters continues to shriek in agonizing pain while Stan looks around nervously, with gritted teeth]
Stan
Okay okay, calm down, Butters! It'll be okay! [Butters composes himself and sobs softly, looking around from time to time for any sign of help]
Cartman
Guys, meeting over here for a second? [the boys move off and huddle] All right you guys, we need to stay calm and just do the right thing. We have to kill Butters and bury him in Kyle's backyard.
Stan
Dude, shut up!
Kyle
I agree with Cartman!
Stan
What?!
Kyle
You don't understand what my mom will do to me if she finds out I was playing with weapons!
A closeup of the shuriken lodged in Butters' left eye, moments later. Some pliers clamp on to it and the camera pulls back. Stan is holding the pliers and he tugs gently at the shuriken. Butters sits on a tree stump.
Stan
Just stay still, Butters.
Butters
[Stan tugs again] Ah. [Stan tugs harder] Hwa! [Stan tugs even harder] Hwaaaaa!
Kyle
Stop dude! You're gonna scramble his brain!
Cartman
Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't remember it was us.
Butters
You guys can't fix my eyeball! You have to take me to the hospital! [whimpers]
Kyle
If we take him to the hospital, they're gonna find out what happened.
Stan
God dammit!
Kyle
[moves off] God? Please, if you get me out of this, I swear, I will never play with weapons ever again.
Cartman
[approaches] Don't be so quick to throw off your ninja responsibility, Kyle. [to the huddle] Now, come on guys, sure, it's easy to be a ninja when everything's going your way, but it's times like these, when the chips are down, that a ninja shows his true character.
Butters
Whoa, I'm getting woozy.
Cartman
Shut up, Butters. [to the other boys] Now, there's a way out of this. We just have to use our... ninja reasoning. [puts his fingertips to his temples. Kenny touches his right temple, Stan, his chin]
Stan
We... need a doctor... But we can't go to the hospital. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. What about the veterinarian?
Cartman
Dr. Shafley?
Stan
He's really old and going blind.
Cartman
So if we make Butters up to look like a dog...
Kyle
Oh no.
Stan
We might pass him off as our pet.
Butters
[sniffling] But, but fellas, if I, if I dress up like a dog with a star in my eye, I- I'm gonna get grounded.
Stan, Kyle, Cartman
Shut up, Butters!
Kyle
That is the dumbest idea you guys have ever come up with! I'd expect this stupidity out of Cartman, but you, Stan?! Butters needs medical attention right now!
Stan
All right, then you take him to the hospital, Kyle. You take him to the hospital and let your mom find out what happened.
Moments later. Butters is made up to look like a dog. He sobs in resignation. Kyle holds a bottle of glue.
Cartman
Hand me the modeling glue. We need more fur over here. [Kyle hands him the glue]
Butters
[between whimpers] Uh, that modeling glue is making me dizzy.
Cartman
Butters! We're trying to help you, Goddamnit! Now, stop being such an asshole!
Kyle
We need some more fur. [Stan walks over to Sparky and shaves off fur from areas of his body still unshaved, then walks back to Kyle and hands him the fur. Kyle places the fur on Butters' left leg] I think that's good.
Cartman
Okay, let's hear your bark, Butters.
Butters
Uh. Wuff, wu-wuff.
Stan
All right. Now we just gotta sneak him into town.
South Park, in what looks like Skid Row. Stan appears and walks into a clearing.
Stan
[looks off to his left] Okay, it's clear. [turns right and walks on. Cartman and Kyle escort Butters between them]
Cartman
Now remember, Butters, when you get to the vet's office, you need to stay down on all fours and- Butters, listen! At the vet's office, you need to stay down on all fours and bark a lot.
Butters
[practices his bark unprompted] Wuhuff, woof, woof.
Kyle
We've gotta hurry, it's getting late! [some trash bin noises are heard and the boys face the source of the noises]
Stan
Oh shit, somebody's coming!
Kyle
Quick, hide Butters! [Cartman drags Butters to an oven]
Cartman
In here! [opens its door and shoves Butters in]
Butters
bu- but fellas, I gotta- [Cartman closes the door. Craig and his boys appear]
Craig
Aha! [the three remaining boys quickly face Craig's crew] There you are! You guys thought you were so cool, didn't you?! Well look at what we got! [Craig and his boys present their weapons]
Cartman
No way, you got weapons too?!
Stan
Where'd you get those?
Jimmy
From the n-n- from the nn-, from the nn-
Clyde
From the nice guy at the county fair.
Craig
At first we needed our parents' permission, but then we told him our parents were dead.
Cartman
Aw man, now every douchebag in town has a weapon!
Craig
So, [unsheathes his sword] how would you ninjas like to do battle?
Stan
Uh, not now, Craig, we have to be going.
Craig
You can't pass through this area until you defend your honor! [Clyde crosses his kamas against each other]
Kyle
He said, not now, Craig!
Craig
I am not Craig, [twirls his sword] I am Ginza, [transforms] with the powerful blade of the kitana. Iya!
Token
And I am Black Chaku, [twirls his nunchakus and transforms] with the power of perfect spelling!
Stan
Guys, we're really not playing, okay? [Jimmy has already transformed and leaps into the air, twirling his kali sticks around, and lands in a powerful pose]
Jimmy
Wha, what, what's the m-matter, f-fellas? Are you ... nnnninjas or p-p-p-pussies?
Cartman
[the boys are back in anime form] We're twice the ninjas you fags are!
Clyde
Then fight us!
Cartman
Very well, Clyde. Kiyaaaa!
Kyle
I swore to never fight again.
Stan
We don't have a choice, Kyle. Just humor them. Hyaaaaah! [He begins his attack. The other boys move forth and the fight begins, as a song reminiscent of Japanese anime theme songs, mostly Japanese with occasional English words, starts playing; its lyrics appear as a sing-along along the bottom of the screen.]
Singer

 Subarashii chinchin mono
Kintama no kame aru
Sore no oto ha "saru bobo" Iie!
Ninja ga imasu
Hey Hey Let's Go! kenka suru
Taisetsu no mono protect my balls
Boku ga warui so let's fighting
Let's fighting love...Let's fighting love... Kono uta chotto baka
Wake ga wakaranai
Eigo ga mechakucha
Daijobu? We do it all the time!
Hey hey let's go kenka suru...

The fight as the song progresses: Jimmy twirls his kali sticks around and aims them at Stan, unleasing two beams of energy. Stan blocks them with his tonfa. Kenny watches Craig be tossed through the air. Token sweeps his nunchucks around and unleases energy towards Kenny, who jumps clear and lets Cartman take the blow. Cartman shatters it with his sai swords. The nunchucks sweep back. Kenny falls to the ground on his ass, behind Cartman. Token attacks Cartman with his nunchucks, but Cartman counters them with his sais, sending Token flying back a few yards. Token rubs his right shoulder. Clyde whips out his kamas and whips them around, and Kyle responds by whipping his nunchucks around. Clyde focuses on Kyle and unleashes a large amount of energy from his kamas. Craig and his crew are shown, then Craig and Kenny fly at each other. Stan takes a stand. Two silhouettes fight. A car rolls by the scene slowly, and the driver simply observes. He sees them are they are, then drives off. The scene reverts to anime letterbox and the boys continue fighting
Stan
Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait! [the song ends, and he looks around] Wait. [steps forward] Hold on a second. Where's Butters? [sees the open oven door, and no one in the oven]
Kyle
Oh no. Butters!
Cartman
Butters!
Stan
[turns and faces Craig's boys] Oh, nice going, you assholes! You made us lose him!
Craig
Lose who?
Kyle
[approaches Craig] Butters! He got a ninja star stuck in his eye, and we were taking him to the vet when you fucked it all up! Butters!
Craig
Stuck in his eye? Was he bleeding?
Cartman
Ye-yeah, a little- Butters! Get back here right now!
Craig
Oh shit, you guys are in trouble. We're outta here!
Stan
No dude, you gotta help us find him!
Craig
To hell with that!
Cartman
We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're gonna tell on you! That's the ninja code!
The road, sunset. Butters walks along the side still sobbing, looking for help.
Butters
Hello? Anybody-eh. [the driver appears again and slows down to observe Butters. His right eyebrow rises] Woof. Woof. Woofwoof. [his voice softens] Eh. Woof, eh. Woof. [the drives speeds up and drives off. Butters turns and continues his lonely walk. Back near Skid Row the eight boys walk along searching for Butters.]
Stan
Butters!
Kyle
Butters!
Cartman
Here, Butters!
Kenny
(Butters!)
Craig
Butters!
Clyde
Butters!
Token
Butters!
Jimmy
Bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- Butters!
Cartman
Butter- Butters!
Kyle
Hey Butters!
Stan
Butters!
Kyle
Dude, look! [a black man walks up in anime form, stops, and looks around]
Chef
Hello there, children!
The Boys
Hey, Chef.
Chef
How's it goin'?
Stan
Bad.
Chef
Why bad?
Kyle
Uh, Chef, you haven't seen Butters around, have you?
Chef
No, can't say that I have. Hey, what are you children doin' with those weapons?
Stan
Nothing, just... playing.
Chef
Well, you children should be careful with those. You could put somebody's eye out.
Kyle
Yeah, we know.
Chef
Well, I've gotta get to the fairgrounds. They're about to start the big auction. So long, children! [turns and walks away]
Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Butters closes in on it, babbling incoherently and stumbling along. He enters the emergency area, moves in a few feet, and falls flat on his back.
Nurse
[behind the counter] Oh my God! [leaves her station and kneels down next to Butters] What the-?! Doctor? Doctor?!
Dr. Doctor
[approaches and kneels down next to Butters] Jesus Christ. [Butters shakes his head and babbles] What kind of sick bastard would do this to a dog?! Poor little pup.
Butters
[moans, then opens his eyes] Woof woof.
Nurse
Can you help him, Doctor?
Dr. Doctor
I'm afraid I wouldn't know how. Unfortunately for this little fella, I'm a people doctor. Best we call the animal shelter.
Nurse
[rises and leaves] Right away.
Announcer
[with recaps from the episode] In our last episode the four ninjas did battle with Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and doom. It was during that great battle that ninja master Kenny threw his star into Professor Chaos' eye. Now the ninjas were in serious trouble, because their parents might find out they had weapons, if Professor Chaos told on them. While trying to get Professor Chaos some aid at the veterinarian's office, the four ninjas ran into Craig and his three friends. They challenged the four ninjas to fight, and the legendary battle of Tokutawa began. It was during this battle that Professor Chaos escaped, and so the four ninjas were forced to join forces with Craig and his friends to find Professor Chaos, or else they would all be grounded.
Stan
Butters!
Kyle
Butters!
Cartman
Here, Butters!
Kenny
(Butters!)
Craig
Butters!
Clyde
Butters!
Token
Butters!
Craig
Butters! Where the hell are you?!
Kyle
It's hopeless, dude! Butters must have made it to the hospital. By now our parents probably know we were playing with weapons! We have to get rid of the evidence! [moves off]
Stan
What?
Kyle
[reaches a well and holds his nunchucks over it] Dude, we have to get rid of our weapons so at least we can try to deny everything.
Cartman
[with his sais] Screw that, dude, I paid twenty bucks for these things!
Stan
Yeah, let's just go return them and get our money back.
Kyle
We don't have time for that, dude! We just have to ditch them! Now!
Cartman
Okay. Go ahead, Kyle. Throw your nunchucks away. If you can. But you know damn well that your Jewish blood won't let you. You can't throw away something you paid fifteen bucks for. Go ahead and try.
Kyle
Screw you, fatass! [struggles to loosen his grip on the nunchucks]
Cartman
Mel Gibson was right, Kyle. Right now the Jew in you is screaming "NO! Those cost money! Get your money back!" You know this to be true. [Kyle continues struggling and begins to grunt] Go ahead. Prove Mel Gibson wrong, Kyle. [closeup of Cartman's lips] Do it. [Kyle struggles even harder, but eventually gives in]
Kyle
[walks up next to Stan] I- I can't do it... I can't do it. I...
Stan
It's all right, Kyle. We'll go back to the fair and return them.
South Park Animal Shelter, day. Dogs and cats are heard. Inside, an elderly veterinarian pulls something along on a leash.
Vet
Come on. Come on, little fella. 'Atta boy. [Butters appears at the other end of the leash, crawling in]
Butters
[in a gravelly voice] Woof woof. [babbles incoherently. The veterinarian leads him towards a cell]
Vet
Right over here. [opens the gate] Good dog. Come on. [guides Butters in] There you go, right in there. [closes the gate and locks it, then leaves] Goooood dog. [Butters babbles some more as a dog approaches from his left and sniffs. The dog pisses on him and walks away. Butters' voice rises in protest. Another dog approaches from his right, sniffs him, and pisses on him. Butters' voice rises a bit more in protest. A third dog approaches from his left, turns around, and craps on him. Butters stands up]
Butters
Gaaaah!
Assistant
Somebody threw a ninja star in that poor puppy's eye?
Vet
It just makes me sick how some people can treat animals. [pulls out a large syringe, quickly] Well, nothing we can do for it; let's put it to sleep, shall we? [they move back into Butters' cell] Here you go, pup. I've got a sweet dose of murder for you. What the? Blasted! He's escaped! ...Oh well, let's murder one of these other dogs.
The county fair, anime form, sunset.
Stan
All right, the county fair's still open! [they spot Roger, shown in anime form, and approach his booth.]
Roger
Can I help you boys?
Stan
We have come to return the weapons we purchased.
Roger
Uh, sorry kids, ah I don't give refunds.
Kyle
Listen, douche! Our parents are gonna kill us, and you, if they found out that we bought these!
Roger
I thought you told me your parents were dead.
Craig
[approaches with his boys] You guys! [the other boys turn around] You guys!
Stan
What is it, Craig?
Craig
It's Butters! We saw him!
Kyle
Where?!
Craig
Right on the other side of the fairgrounds. He's just wandering around aimlessly.
Kyle
Then it's not too late!
Stan
Come on, Ninjas! [the boys make their way across the fairgrounds, but freeze in their tracks upon seeing the auction]
Barker
[in anime form] All right, folks, our next item up for bids is this lovely 19th Century lamp.
Stan
Aw dude, crap. All our parents are there.
Craig
Butters is right on the other side.
Kyle
We have to get past them!
Cartman
All right. Looks like I have to use my power of invisibility to get by.
Kyle
You have that power too?
Cartman
I told you, Bulrog has lots and lots of powers. Behold. [steps aside and holds his arms up. He sweeps them down and disappears. He them removes his clothes and gathers them into a pile] This way, I can move about the crowd of people undetected. [walks over to Stan and hands his clothes over] Here, hold this stuff for me.
Stan
[softly] Good luck, Bulrog. [Cartman leaves, with only his footsteps indicating where he's going]
Barker
Now, this lamp comes from the estate of Edna and James Hollinger, who lived in upstate Wyoming. [Cartman, in normal form, appears, tip-toeing across the stage sideways. His penis can be seen.] It has a bronze finish and actual gold leaf along the base. This is a rare opportunity to own a classic antique. [Cartman changes his gait and tip-toes forward. The bidders look on] The lamp has been appraised by our auction staff at well over two thousand dollars.
Barker
[Cartman changes his gait and tip-toes along sideways. One of the staffers notices Cartman and taps his colleague. The colleague looks and gasps] So we're gonna start the bidding at three hundred and seventy five. Do I, do I hear three hundred and seventy five? [Cartman continues tip-toeing along and the bidders sit motionless. Eight seconds pass before Cartman stops, realizing that the crowd can indeed see him.] Kid, what the hell do you think you're doin'? [Cartman looks around, knowing he's stuck.]
Butters
[wanders on stage] Haba, haba! Habahoaha! [babbles some more, then falls flat on his back again]
Linda
[rises with her hands on her chest] Butters! [the auction staff encircles the boy]
Randy
What happened to him?
Sheila
Oh my God!
Stan
Oh, Jesus.
Kyle
Oh dude, we are gonna get it now.
Park County Community Center, Emergency Town Meeting, day. The chatter among the adults present is heated.
Mayor McDaniels
All right, people, we are all extremely upset over what's happened. [the boys' parents are present, with angry faces on] But let's try to speak one at a time.
Man 1
Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked and appalled at what happened! I don't know if the parents are to blame or if it's the times we're living in, but something has to change!
Townsfolk
[amid chatter] Yeah! I agree!
Gerald
This is the worst thing that's happened in this town! [Butters is shown with a patch over his left eye and a long gauze wrapped around his head to keep the patch in place] The worst thing!
Man 2
Yeah! I mean, there were children watching that auction! And when that little eight-year-old boy walked up and flashed his... penis! It was an outrage! [the adults go into an uproar again]
Stan
What?
Cartman
What?
Skeeter
Not only that, the auction was televised on public access, so my little daughter watchin' at home saw the... penis! How am I supposed to explain that to her?!
Sheila
This is what happens when the moral fabric of society breaks down! [the adults go into an uproar again]
Mr. Garrison
[next to Mr. Mackey] You see the damage you've caused, Eric Cartman?! What were you thinking?!
Cartman
I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction. [the adults go into an uproar again]
Kyle
Dude, they don't care we knocked Butters' eye out with weapons?
Stan
Just run with it, dude.
Kyle
[looks around, then stands on his chair] Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh- my fragile little eight-year-old mind didn't know how to deal with what I was seeing. Cartman should be punished!
Man
Yeah! [the adults go into an uproar again]
Cartman
Hey, fuck you, Kyle!
Park County Community Center, outside. The doors open and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny exit onto the parking lot.
Kyle
Yeah, I c- I can't believe it.
Stan
Yeah. I guess parents don't give a crap about violence if there's sex things to worry about.
Kyle
[pulls out his nunchucks] So I guess this means we get to keep our weapons.
Stan
[he and Kenny pull out their weapons] Yeah. Come on, ninjas. [they transform into their anime forms] We've got some more work to do.
The Boys
[leap into a pose, and the image is frozen] Hya!
End of Good Times with Weapons


  801: "Good Times with Weapons" edit
Story Elements

"Let's Fighting Love" • Professor Chaos

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Eighth Season

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.